dirty ethel rackham Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Update at the end of this post. M. was one of the first people I met 17 years ago when we started this home learning experiment. She had started a non-sectarian homeschool group in our area and built it on an egalitarian model - that we all know what is best for our kids. There was no hierarchy. There was no boss. She embraced the "if you build it, they will come" model ... that if you wanted something for your kids and you could not find it, you created it and invited people to join you. Our calendars were filled with field trips for every age imaginable. Our park days were well attended. It was like one big happy family. She had some quirky kids and she embraced all of our quirkiness. One of M.'s greatest qualities is that she always looked for the best in people. When I had a difficult toddler, she would always tell me that I was doing a great job ... that I would never regret the time I gave my kids, even when it feel like things were going down the tubes. M. has had it hard these last 6 years. Her loving husband died of a brain tumor. Her oldest daughter left home to "find herself" and found drugs instead. She picked herself up, dusted herself off, went back to school, mastered the math she feared to get her RN. She took comfort that her son was seemingly doing well and had moved back into the area after graduation. I should have known something was up when she asked a friend and me to witness her will that she just got around to updating. She looked tired and shaky, and her trademark cheerfulness seemed a little brittle. Most of us didn't want to look at it as a sign of something ominous, but that she was taking care of business since she was to be embarking on a new adventure ... studying to get her BSN. But, what we feared and didn't want to see has come to light. Today, we found out that she has terminal cancer. And she may not make it through the night. Her friends who have been with her through thick and thin are gathering with her tonight. Please keep us in your prayers. Please keep A, her lost daughter, in your prayers. We do not know where she is or how to contact her. Please keep her son T in your prayers as well. He will be alone, without his dad, his sister, and now his mother. UPDATE in post #45. I really didn't want to put it here as these reflect dichotomous, coexisting thoughts on this situation. UPDATE #2 in post #55. UPDATE #3: Our dear friend went to be with our risen Lord Easter Sunday. While this last month has been difficult, it was a blessing that all of her friends from different aspects of her life got to spend this time with her. We had a long list of people who stepped up to take time with M and give her son time to take care of business, cull things in the house and pack to move in with relatives in another state. M had many friends who are nurses from the hospitals she worked in and they were very helpful. We had several women who were able to take turns staying with her overnight, a time when she was seemed to have the most needs. I was fortunate to be able to take several 2 hour shifts each week. I can't say enough about hospice. They were very responsive to her needs and helped us help her. Since there were so many people coming and going, we kept a notebook by M's bedside to jot down a few things: observations, what we did for her, prayers for her and for all of us, etc. We also had a large email loop for updates to those who could not be there but wanted to help in other ways. Since they had no income coming in and were in danger of losing the house and had no money for burial expenses, many people stepped up to assist financially. They do have a buyer for the house - a contractor who has worked on several homes in the area. It is in the historic district so this had to be a special kind of buyer, one who could do the updates so desperately needed and still respect the character of the house. My heart aches though. I miss her. I pray for her son, who, at only 25, moves forward with his life without either parent. I pray for her estranged daughter, wherever she may be. I pray for all her friends that we not lose the community we rekindled in sharing her care. Thank you to all of you who prayed for M and her family. They are on a new journey now. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I'm so sorry, Ellen. :( I will pray for your friend and her family. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Oh, ((((Ellen)))). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunflowerlady Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I am so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I am sorry. Praying for her children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Liking to show I read it, but definitely the only thing to actually like is the wonderful friendship and mentorship you had with M. I will pray that her passing is peaceful and healing for all and for her son. I'm so sorry. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmtzc2009 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I'm so sorry. Praying for all you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pegs Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 She is obviously very much loved by her communities. I hope that her passing is as peaceful as possible, and that her loved ones are well supported at this difficult time. Thank you for telling us about your friend M. She sounds like a wonderful person, who has blessed the lives of many. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ScoutTN Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Praying now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 how terribly sad. praying Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Sending :grouphug: for all of you and prayers for M and her family. Thank you for sharing her story and what she accomplished. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Praying for all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammi K Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Your community is in my thoughts. What a loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 So sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Candles lit for her. (((Hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2myboys Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I am so very sorry. :( She sounds like an amazing person who will be missed by many. I will keep her, her family and your whole community in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I'm so very sorry ((hugs)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RootAnn Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I will pray for your friend & her remaining family members tonight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 So very sorry. :( Prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry. :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I'm really sorry. What a lovely testimony to your friendship and her life's work. She sounds like a remarkable person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Kate Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I'm so sorry. Praying for your friend now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 So sorry to read this. Prayers. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melmichigan Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kiara.I Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Praying for A, that she'll be reached by somebody to let her know. Praying for T, that he'll experience the family of other people in his community where he is losing his blood family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 So sorry. She sounds like a wonderful woman. Praying for all of you. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom@shiloh Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 What an inspiring legacy she has -- always looking for the best in others. I'm sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 ((Ellen)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
school17777 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 So sorry. Praying as requested. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted March 7, 2015 Author Share Posted March 7, 2015 Thank you all for your support. I am hesitant to write this next part but I need some perspective here. I may delete it later so don't quote this. Some of her closest friends met with her last night. She was sure that she was going to die yesterday. I found out that she has known for some time that she had breast cancer, but it is self-diagnosed. She refused to get a diagnosis because she did not want treatment (and did not want to saddle her son with the debt that her husband's treatment left her in. Money has always been a great struggle for them, so much so that she has often gone without food and was too proud to ask for help.) She is a nurse and thinks that she knows everything, even down to how she will die. As we met with her yesterday, it became clear to me that she was not going to die last night ... but that she will probably linger. She thinks it will days at most, but I fear that it will be weeks. But she will not do what is necessary in order to get hospice to come in ... that is, get an official diagnosis. Despite all of our assurances that we would insure that they honor her wishes to die at home, she is afraid that if we take her to the hospital, they will intubate her or, worse, revive her if it comes down to it, despite her having a signed, witnessed statement refusing those measures. She has always sang the praises of hospice as they did so much for her and her son when her husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor 7 years ago. We are so frustrated with her. Not only is she making it harder on herself, she is making it profoundly difficult for her son and her friends. She more or less expects us to take turns standing vigil with her son. Yet none of us is experienced at taking care of an invalid. We had to have a friend pick up a bed pan, gloves and some chux pads. Her son needs to work, not only to buy food, but life-saving medicine to manage his chronic health condition. How are we going to manage all of her care for possibly weeks? It is painful to watch her struggling to breathe, knowing that we have no way to ease this suffering. The emotional toll is staggering. While this is frustrating for me, it is devastating to those closest to her. Since her youngest is older than my oldest, she is more like the close friend of an older sibling. I can be more detached. It hurts to see her closest friends feel so betrayed by her silence and now, by her unwillingness to help us help her. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I think if I were in this position I'd call community public health social workers, and/or just call an ambulance. If she's undiagnosed, this is crazy. She might have something completely different, something treatable.... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 This is really sad. I wish I knew what to say beyond I'm sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melmichigan Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 How do you self-diagnose end stage cancer?!? You have the right to refuse any and all treatment. I would somehow gently explain the situation to her as you typed it above. She is not thinking beyond this moment and sadly I have seen patients linger much longer than ever expected. Someone can live 2-3 months with difficulty breathing related to an end stage cancer diagnosis so that in and of itself isn't necessarily significant depending on the reason behind it. What an extremely sad situation for her son. He'd be guilty of leaving his mother, or guilty of not being able to provide for himself. This is pretty good end of life care sheet that might provide some insight. My Mom died at home 30+years ago, before the dawn of present day hospice. Having nurses there to help us care for her and to prepare us for what was to come eased the burden of our loss. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 That must be so frustrating. I always thought the whole point of hospice was so that you could die at home without any unnecessary interventions? Could you perhaps call your community's local hospice organization, talk to them, tell them her fears, and maybe get some answers that you can convey back? They may be able to tell you what needs to be done to get services, etc. They also usually have social workers that work with them that can alive fears regarding care costs. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted March 7, 2015 Author Share Posted March 7, 2015 We talked to hospice. You can't get hospice without a terminal diagnosis. And she is refusing to get that diagnosis. She is refusing to talk to a social worker. She did let her former pastor come talk to her, but since he is no longer with her church, he can only be there as a friend. He has an unrealistic idea of how this is going to play out as well. I am supposed to go over there in a few minutes, but I am dreading it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Wow. I would have such a hard time with that visit, because I would be so worried and sad, yet also trying not to let her see that I was incredibly angry that she knew she was ill but never sought any kind of treatment. I know it's her body, but I would be thinking of her poor son who has already been through so much. I'm so sorry, Ellen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 How could getting treatment saddle her son with debt? I did not think debts were inheritable. I guess it could count against any assets such as a house in her name. Is that what she is worrying about? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 How could getting treatment saddle her son with debt? I did not think debts were inheritable. I guess it could count against any assets such as a house in her name. Is that what she is worrying about? He would inherit the estate and have to pay all her debts out of that. Quite possibly there would be nothing left, and if he is fairly young and lives with her this would leave him with nothing. A good attorney could have walked her through a lot of this. I am assuming she at some point found a lump in her breast and never sought a diagnosis. I would consider calling in a local crisis or mental health team. It may be cancer; it could be many other things. If you called an ambulance and I showed up as the paramedic, I would assume she would refuse all treatment and transport, and I would call in a crisis intervention team to help hook her up with support. I absolutely respect a person's wish to refuse treatment and die how they want. This sounds though like it may be something else entirely. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Wow this is a tough one. Generally I'm of the mind that the dying person gets to choose the way they want to do things, but in reality that ideal is pretty thought on the follow through. Set aside your anger with her for your visit. Don't try to convince her to do something against her wishes, at least not yet. I think it's her son's call. He has to decide if he can handle her refusal to go or whether he calls an ambulance. Can you talk to the son and allow him to dump on you a little? Have you ever heard of "Dump out, comfort in?" You think of the person who is affected as the center of the circle. No dumping allowed, only comfort. Then the next ring of the circle is the immediate family, slide and children. They can dump on anyone but the sick person. No one but the sick person is allied to dump on that circle. Friends are next, etc. Here is the essay that explains it better: http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407 I think you all have the choice to help or not to help, but the ability to convince your friend or her son to do what you think is right for them lies outside your circle, no matter how hard that is. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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