Do you require "Yes, ma'am" or "Yes, sir"?

[Prairie Dawn]

Do you teach your children that this is the only proper, respectful reply to an adult, or is it another phrase like "Ok, Mom" or just a plain yes or no sufficient? I very rarely hear it where I live, so when I do it sounds contrived or overly formal, but in another thread it sounds like others feel strongly in favor of adding ma'am and sir. I'm assuming it's a geographical or cultural difference?

[hornblower]

I don't think those words have ever passed my kids' lips  - except maybe when they're cosplaying something....  

[Joker]

My dds usually answer that way to others but never to us parents. It seems too formal.

 

ETA: I wanted to add that dh and I also use it when answering others so it's not just our dds. Dh was born and raised in CA and I in TX. We've lived and traveled all over and no one has ever had any negative reaction to it. I always find these threads interesting when others say they find it rude or are bothered by it since I've never encountered that anywhere.

[Garga]

I think it depends on where one lives. I don't hear it around here ever. But I think they do this in the South? Maybe? I live in PA.

[Above The Rowan]

Yes ma'am and no sir are just generally not heard much where I live. Maybe a regional thing? It would be very oddball to hear anyone, child or otherwise, say something like that to anyone.

[wapiti]

A couple of old threads (I think there may be more though I can't find them):

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/264647-deciding-to-require-ds-to-respond-yes-maamsir/

http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/207528-the-yes-maam-no-maam-issuewhats-your-stance/

 

Having never lived in a place where this was common practice, it sounds quite odd to me.  (Disclaimer:  I have lived in six cities in the East, Midwest, mountain west, and West Coast, but never in the Southeast.)

 

[regentrude]

We never taught our kids to say that. And I cringe when somebody calls me "ma'am". Hate it.

 

ETA: one can, in fact, be quite insolent using the term "ma'am"... all a matter of tone.

[Rachel]

I live on the edge of the south. We encourage yes mam/sir when giving instructions to acknowledge we were heard. However if the child responds with another appropriate response, that's ok too. My husband grew up using those terms, I didn't. We want our kids to be able to address other adults the way the community around us and their grandparents generally expect kids to address adults. However we aren't super strict.

[Guest]

Definitely a regional thing.  I grew up in Nebraska and it wasn't said here. Mine would say yes please, no thank you, etc. When we moved to farm town FL, it was Yes Ma'am, Sir, Miss or Mister First name.  While I don't ask it to be said here, I do ask for respectful talk, such as I mentioned above. 

[Laurie4b]

In the Southeast, it is considered the most polite form of address. Dh and I both grew up in the NE, where it is not used. In fact, I recall a girl who moved to our school in middle school from the South. She used it to a teacher, who thought she was being smart-mouthed because that is the only way a kid native to our area would have used it.

 

I did try to teach my kids it was polite around here, but I wasn't strict about it.

[UncleEJ]

I do. I am not super strict with it, but I live in Texas and it is very much the norm here. Neither DH or I were raised with it. It is expected here so I have at least exposed them to. I do like when I get a "yes ma'am" back. At least for my kids, if they say that, then they have heard me.

[sassenach]

We did a lot of "yes, Mom/Dad" when the kids were little to train them to acknowledge instruction. It naturally faded out over the years.

 

I will say that my youngest is extremely socially intelligent (and very much likes to be on the good side of any adult in her life). About 6 months ago, she told me she has figured out that the adults in her life (coaches, group leaders, teachers) all respond extremely positively to "Yes sir/ma'am" so she decided to make it her standard response. We're in California, so it's really not something you usually hear around here.

[MeAndTheBoys]

We live in the south and many, many parents teach their kids to ma'am and sir everyone.  I wasn't raised that way, and honestly, it kind of makes me sick when some horribly rude and disrespectful kids say, oh so sweetly, 'yes ma'am' or "yes sir", then go off on their merry way and do whatever.

 

My children say "yes" or "no" and we try to help them learn to act right and act politely, not just say the "magic polite words".

 

It doesn't bother me when people ma'am and sir, just when it's complete hypocrisy.  Or they try to get on to my kids when they have politely answered, but not said ma'am or sir. 

 

B

[Pawz4me]

To me and DH?  Absolutely not.  The very idea of it is repulsive to me.  It is way, way too "legalistic" (I'm drawing a blank on a better word than that right now) for close family use IMHO.

 

We live in the southeast, so ma'am/sir are commonly used here and I do appreciate it when the boys use those terms when addressing strangers, older people, business/professional acquaintances, etc.  It's not something we've ever forced or even stressed, but they know it's considered good manners and so generally they do use those terms when appropriate..

[FloridaLisa]

I said *yes* but its qualified.  We do teach our kids to say "Yes mam" and "Yes sir" to parents and adults, but it's not required every single time they respond. Goodness, they'd sound like robots!  So, many times my kids will just say Yes or Okay or whatever the response is.  But, I usually correct if their response is "Yeah" or I'm giving a serious instruction/correction that I want them to respect. 

 

So, yes we teach it and yes we use it, but interspersed with other appropriate and polite responses to adults.

 

Lisa

[1bassoon]

Interesting - we moved from CT to AL 9 years ago.

 

I never required that my kids say yes ma'am or no ma'am/sir - maybe I should have? It's a BIG DEAL here in the 'Ham. Sometimes my kids say it, sometimes they don't. We're not consistent. I had a recalcitrant child of mine "Yes, ma'am" me for a while when I was scolding her, and it made me CRAZY.

 

I had a friend who was from New York and I babysat her son 1 day a week (here in AL). From the get-go, she said that she NEVER wanted him to say ma'am or sir. She said she had it used too many times on her, insincerely, and she refused to have it come from her son's lips. Didn't bother me any.

 

Bless her heart. . . . . . :leaving: :lol:

[ScoutTN]

We live in the South so these are the most common polite replies here. My son will use these fairly often, my daughter not so much. Different kids, different styles.

 

We don't require ma'am or sir, but we do require

1) speak when spoken to

2) please and thank you

3) respectful tone and words

 

 

We are trying to teach our kids to reply according to the situation. E.g. "Yeah" is an acceptable response to a friend in casual conversation, but not when replying in the affirmative to a teacher or in a formal situation.

 

P.S. I have noticed that narrating and frequently doing other schoolwork that requires my children to answer in complete sentences trains them to answer in complete sentences! Side benefit of WWE and FLL! ;)

[ebrindam]

No definitely not. I tell all kids to call me by my first name. Likewise, my kids call most adults by first name.

[SparklyUnicorn]

No.  I find it insulting.

 

 

[Ottakee]

Just a funny story...........I was born in SC so was taught ma'am and sir from the time I uttered my first words.........so I tend to use them frequently in restaurants and settings like that.

 

When my girls were young they almost had a "twin" language and had a lot of words that I understood but most others would not.  One day one of them said they wanted to grow up to be a "ma'amer".............hmm, trying to think here what they meant.

 

It came out she wanted to be a waitress............as I would address them as ma'am.

[marbel]

We never required it of our kids, though we did encourage it when speaking to older people and to the relatives who live in the South (USA).   I grew up in New York and California and if I recall correctly it was typical to use "sir" and "ma'am."  I will use it sometimes, either in a lighthearted or serious way, depending on the person and/or situation.  

 

My husband tried for a while to get our kids to address us as ma'am and sir, because of his own upbringing, but it didn't stick.  I couldn't enforce it and he found he didn't care to be consistent with it. 

 

I can't imagine finding it offensive but most likely that is because it was commonly used where and when I was growing up.  Well, I guess it would be offensive if it was being used sarcastically.

 

 

[Amira]

The only time I've ever heard it is when we lived in Virginia. I certainly didn't require it from my children there. I can be polite when a child says it to me because I assume they're doing what they've been taught to be polite. I prefer that children use my first name (and just my first name, not Miss First Name).

[creekland]

I'm another who finds it repulsive.  Hubby was raised using the terms and his folks consider those the only correct responses.

 

Hubby and I argued about discussed the matter when we had our first youngster.  I won.

 

We did, however, bring them up to use the words at my ILs since I believe in politeness where it is warranted.  I even use it - for them - there.  I never say it to hubby (nor him to me) nor do our kids use it with us anywhere even at the ILs.

 

 

[IsabelC]

I actually think it sounds cute from American kids, but it would be way too formal in Australia. It would sound as formal as "Yes your Majesty" or "No my Lord" might to you! The kids are allowed to call me Isabel, or Mum, Mummy, Mother ( or any variation thereof). If I ask them to do something, they can say "Yes Mummy" or "OK" or "Sure" or whatever they want, really, as long as it isn't rude or disrespectful (this includes eye rolling and other face pulling!). They are also allowed to respectfully negotiate or object within reason as long as it isn't something that I have indicated is non-negotiable. So "Sure Mummy, but would you mind if I do it after I have finished X?" is OK, but "UGH! I am in the middle of X!" is not OK.

 

[SeaConquest]

No. My kids also call adults by the names we call them.

[wapiti]

I want to qualify my previous response.  There are moments in life when a well-placed "yes, sir" would be useful and it's helpful to know what such moments might look like (though still I might prefer "yes, Mr. Smith" if the name is known).  Ma'am, not so much.  

 

However, the part that sounds odd to my ear is using such terms toward one's own parents.

[Tammi K]

I don't like 'Yeah" and usually correct that but as long as they are polite I don't require anything specific beyond acknowledgement.

[MeAndTheBoys]

The only time I've ever heard it is when we lived in Virginia. I certainly didn't require it from my children there. I can be polite when a child says it to me because I assume they're doing what they've been taught to be polite. I prefer that children use my first name (and just my first name, not Miss First Name).

 

Oh my goodness, I HATE "Miss First Name" after they reach the age of 5 or so.  For one, I'm not a "Miss" (and "Mrs. First Name" sounds even dumber), and two, I'm not your preschool teacher.  Well, if I'm teaching Sunday School to 3 year olds, it's okay if they call me Miss First Name.  But when a 9 or 10 year old calls me that, I want to poke my eyeballs out.

 

We are in a co-op, and everyone acted like I had the plague when I told the class my name was Mrs. Last Name.  "But our other teachers let us call them Miss First Name."  HOWVER, that was 2 years ago; I've noticed that more teachers go by Mrs. Last Name in the 7 yrs and up classes, thank goodness.

 

B

[Ivey]

No. My kids occasionally say "yes, ma'am" sarcastically when they finally succumb to my (or Dh's) nagging and agree to do something. 

 

I have heard my older boys call other men "sir", but they would never use it for Dh or anyone else we know well. 

[EndOfOrdinary]

My husband is from the rural, deep South. It is an absolute when we visit family down there. Ds shifts right into it, accent and all. Up where we live in the North, many women seem taken aback and thought to be called old when Ma'am is used. As a result, Ds uses Miss. So Yes, Miss. Down South that is seen as being snotty; he'd get smacked for it and then I would have to go postal on someone for touching my kid. So Ds has to use one or the other everywhere, but it shifts culturally.

[LucyStoner]

Um, yeah. No. No way.

 

That's not the space my kids are living in. Where we are it would more likely sound insolent and sarcastic than respectful.

[musicianmom]

*

Edited May 22, 2022 by musicianmom

[SKL]

I believe it is regional.  It would sound ridiculous where I live.  I'm more likely to call my kids ma'am than the other way around.

[SKL]

We are supposed to say "sir" at TKD but that's about it.

[albeto.]

Calling me "ma'am" is like the exact opposite of asking for my ID when ordering a drink. As thrilled as I feel with the latter, I feel deflated with the former.

[Firefly]

No.  It doesn't offend me, but it is not the norm here and would sound oddly formal.

[Katy]

If we are in the southeast, or someone has a southern accent, yes.

 

In other parts of the USA I've been known to apologize if someone winces at a ma'am.

 

Treat people the way they want to be treated.

[kitten18]

Calling me "ma'am" is like the exact opposite of asking for my ID when ordering a drink. As thrilled as I feel with the latter, I feel deflated with the former.

Me too.

 

"Excuse me miss" :)

"Excuse me ma'am" :(

[elegantlion]

I did not require it. It's rarely used where I live. We did live in the south and I never made ds say it, I'm sure my quiet and shy kid was considered rude by some. 

 

I don't like to be referred to as ma'am, but I'm too old to be Miss and I get that some employees are taught to use it. I do prefer ma'am over hon or honey, especially when I'm in a restaurant. Maybe in the Waffle House, I'll let it go  :lol: , but otherwise no. 

 

Several years ago we were going out of town and stopped to eat and the waitress messed up my order. She had the audacity to call me hon and then put her hand on my back. Exdh (not ex then) about burst out laughing from my expression. It felt patronizing and please don't touch me when you're my waitress. 

[AimeeM]

No.

My husband *hates* being called "sir".

I grew up doing it, but I was raised in the south. He's from the outskirts of Philadelphia, and he recalls it only being used in sarcasm as a child (other children using it sarcastically with adults, not meaningfully).

 

Occasionally I slip back into it, but I don't really want my kids using the terms. Almost everybody here (in the south) prefers the children call them by either their first name, or Mrs/Mr First Name.

[katilac]

I answered other, because I'd say it's the most respectful reply AND that other responses are fine. 

 

 

Most people in my corner of the southeast don't like yeah or nah or uh-huh. If someone asks if you want a drink, it's yes, please or no, thank you. Excuse me or come again instead of what, that type of thing.  

 

We don't require sir or ma'am at home, but my kids will use it more often outside the home or in more formal situations. 

 

Why are people insulted or infuriated by being called ma'am? If the person is being insolent, they're being insolent no matter what words are used. Is it strictly because it makes you feel old? That's not an issue around here, because it's very common for adults to address each other with ma'am and sir; it's not just a kid-to-adult thing. Plus, we are all adults, lol, why would I mind someone acknowledging that? 

 

So if the same-aged librarian waves me over and tells me my books are in, I might say, "Great! Thank you, sir." If I'm in the grocery and I ask the older-than-me lady in the scooter if she needs me to reach that jar, she might say, "Yes, ma'am, that would be a help." 

[Shellydon]

Yes, we use it.  I use it with people older than me as well.  I also use and have my kids use Mr./Mrs. Lastname. 

[amy g.]

Yes. I require it, and it is common in my area.

[kiwik]

People would think I was insane. In fact as a child growing up we thought those TV programmes where people said things like that were some sore of practical joke being played on gullible Kiwis. As an adult though there have been a couple of times when it would have been a useful response but I have only used it when waitressing or when addressing a complete stranger for some reason.

[regentrude]

 

Why are people insulted or infuriated by being called ma'am? If the person is being insolent, they're being insolent no matter what words are used. Is it strictly because it makes you feel old? 

 

At least to me, it carries the connotation of old  or of an asymmetry in status or power. It is something you say to a little old lady, or to a cop, or to a superior who insists on emphasizing hierarchy.

It does not convey a mutually respectful or warm relationship.

Coming from a child, it symbolizes an asymmetry that does not mesh with my views.

 

In a professional setting (I work in academia), if somebody wants to express special respect or hierarchy, they will use "Dr.".

 

[Aura]

I strongly encourage it, and sometimes, depending on the situation, require it. It depends on the attitude. But I don't always require it.

[Mergath]

God, no.  Where we live it would sound bizarre.  

[hornblower]

It sounds so old & fussy. I was a civil servant bc & I did use it with some clients but not often.

This reminded me of

  & the 3rd person style of talking where you never use "you". Would madam be so kind to step here? Would madam like anything else? Is madam quite finished? It's obsequious.

[FriedClams]

We (dh and I) use sir/ma'am with everyone older than us. Our kids do as well.

 

We live in the Deep South and my kids would be considered extremely ride if they didn't.

 

My kids are always well received and usually are complimented when they use sir/ma'am up north (we spend a lot of time in NY, Boston, etc).

 

It's my opinion that whether or not I like the way it's being communicated, if someone is trying to be polite and respectful I appreciate their effort.

[Guest]

After I responded to this, dh got home from a trip to the parts store. He said the guy (maybe early 30's) asked if there was anything else he needed after he got the parts dh needed.  Dh said, "No sir", and he said the guy really snotty said to him, "You don't need to Sir me, I work for a living." Wuhhhh? He just laughed it off, but couldn't quite understand that response.