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Grief--so much harder than I expected

lollie010

By lollie010,
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lollie010

lollie010

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We lost my father yesterday after a short and intense battle with lung cancer. There was so much trauma and suffering involved. We will make it. I know we will. But, this is hard. I am so heartbroken I feel like curling up in bed, but there is so much to do. I am trying to keep it together for the kids. But, I am stunned by how hard they are taking this. Their needs have become paramount to any other. I have a 9 year old, 7 year old, 4 year old, and 3 month old. I thought we had prepared them, but they are distraught. Two of them turned completely blue and began vomiting. The four year old has complete understanding of the finality and has cried sobbing tears for hours. I was unprepared for the level of their grief. I knew they would be sad, but I had no idea how intensely they would react. People told me as long as the kids knew that I would be ok, they would be ok. But, it goes much beyond that...they are not worried about me...they simply "miss HIM" and so do I.

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*********

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Laurel, I have no words that seem helpful. I'm so sorry for your loss. Fathers/grandfathers are very precious, and are missed deeply when they leave us.

 

You know it *will* be ok, but right now is just so hard. Please lean on any IRL support you have. And if you're a Christian, lean on the Lord. He is there. :grouphug:

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tex-bex

tex-bex

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I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. :(

 

I lost my mother when I was 23, and it was also very quick and a very stressful event in itself. Everything just stopped for me. I did not have children, though, so the only grief I had to manage was mine and my older sister's.

 

My best advice is that the grief will come in waves. You are in grief/shock right now, so it is at it's most extreme. It will begin to level off, and then at some times you/they will seem to feel OK, and then it will, *wham*, hit you right in the face again.

 

You must be exhausted, dealing with your own grief and managing your kids' as well. Don't worry about any of the other stuff. Be together and express it and try to eat nourishing food.

 

Biiiiiig hugs!

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Spryte

Spryte

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I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

 

It is hard. Just give yourself - and your kids - permission to grieve, and try to ride it out.

 

Like others have said, the grief seems to level off a bit with time - level off in the sense that it is not a constant presence in your life, but rather comes in waves.

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Guest

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I am so sorry. Yes, it will hurt you to a stunning degree and will hurt your children. My Grandfather died when I was 11. It is still vivid to me how much that hurt. He was such an exemplary and loving Granddad. I still believe he shaped my beliefs about what a good man is - even much more than my father.

 

Give yourselves time to process and cry and remember.

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Unicorn.

Unicorn.

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I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to cancer last year, my mom 10 years ago. My mom fought a hard battle for 4 1/2 years. Dad it was less than a year, and not supposed to be the bad kind. Yeah, right. It helps to talk to about him, and remember funny stories, look at pictures... maybe even have the littles draw pictures of their memories, or pictures to "give to grandpa". As others have said, Cancer Sucks! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

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Joanne

Joanne

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{{{many hugs}}}

 

You are in the raw, early stages of unexpected grief. Of course you feel the way you do.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to cancer a few years ago. It doesn't matter how old you are when parents die; it is still a humbling, scary, and profound loss.

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J-rap

J-rap

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I"m so sorry. I remember a friend of mine describing once, after she lost her husband, how her heart seemed to actually physically hurt after he died.

 

I know it's not the same thing, but when my husband suffered a stroke and our lives changed so suddenly, I grieved. It still physically hurts. :(

 

I'm sorry your children are so affected too. They must have really loved him!

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PrincessMommy

PrincessMommy

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grief has so many different faces. It's only been a day... it's really hard. Plus, it sounds like it was very sudden. There was probably hardly any time for the kids to process it all. Be there for them. Let them know it's okay to cry and be sad. My mom died last week and my youngest (11) was much more distraught at her funeral than I thought he would be. She moved far away when he was 5 and he has only seen her a handful of times since then (and most of those she was already quite sick).

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Mommyfaithe

Mommyfaithe

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It is so hard. I am so sorry for your loss. Expressing grief is healthy. Express away! Hold onto each other...and know it will be ok. You will always miss your dad and they will always miss their grandfather. But day by day get through it together. And cancer does really suck. My mil died from lung cancer after a very short 6 week battle. It was awful.

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Bree

Bree

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Praying for your family. I lost my best friend suddenly about 5 months ago and she was pregnant with her first baby. My kids were very attached to her too and I think it took about a good month for us to be functioning, all of us. Take your time to grieve. So sorry for your loss :(

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Tokyomarie

Tokyomarie

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I am so sorry to hear that you, too, have joined the club of losing a parent to cancer. I lost my mom to lung cancer last October. Her battle was pretty short- 4.5 months from the first hint she had a tumor on the lung. It was pretty intense, too.

 

Like others have said, these first few days and weeks are hard. It is normal to sob, and the sobs come when they are least expected. It's far better to cry now and process the grief than to hold it way back and have it come out in unexpected ways later on.

 

Was your father involved in a hospice program? If so, contact hospice and ask to see a bereavement counselor. This person can help your children, too. I believe that even if your father was not in hospice that you can call a non-profit hospice facility and get short term bereavement counseling. My mom was in hospice at the end and after she died, I had a few sessions with a social worker who provided grief counseling at no cost to myself. It was helpful to have someone to listen to my story and help me understand what is normal in the grieving process. I still have some grief stuff to work through (in addition to other life transition matters) so I have decided to work with someone in the community to get additional help.

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PachiSusan

PachiSusan

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First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. 1.11.11 will forever be the day that changed me as my Father passed away with no warning whatsoever. I still feel that aching loss and the fear and the grief. It gets better then it hits you like a wave again.

 

Contact grief counselors for your family. It's really really beneficial; especially for the kids who don't have as many coping skills as an adult has.

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Sandsam

Sandsam

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I've very sorry for your loss. I lost my mom about a year ago. It was hard - hard for my kids too.

 

I think you have an opportunity here to teach them how to grieve. They seem to be taking the loss very hard. Perhaps you can spend time talking with them, sharing your beliefs, letting them express how they feel. Let them know it's ok to express feelings. Your older two are at a really challenging age.

 

<hugs> to you.

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ZooRho

ZooRho

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I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in July. I still can get all teared up about it.

 

Do ask for help with the many aspects of things. The funeral home or your church may have resources for helping your children understand grief.

 

There is no shelf life to grief. You grieve as long as you grieve. You grieve because you love.

 

Blessings to you and your family as you walk this path.

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LucyStoner

LucyStoner

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There is no such thing as pre-grieving. No matter how much you know it is coming, when it comes the loss of a close loved one is an emotional and physical process. It takes time. Lots of time.

 

Be gentle with yourselves. Accept any help offered and don't expect things to bounce back to normal right away.

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lollie010

lollie010

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Thank you all for your kind words and hugs. I gained strength for the day by reading and re-reading each. We have worked through some things today that I think will help the kids express their love for "pops" and honor his memory. My 9 year old has asked to sing "I can only imagine" at the funeral. He is prepared for this. He knows it is ok to change his mind at any time and be will have congregational support after the first verse. It will be beautiful. My 7 year old has asked to do a beautiful dance that she has learned as well as hang up all the the gorgeous pictures and cards that she has made him over the past few months my precious nephew (13 yo) is going to play Amazing Grace on the violin. They are excited about their offerings and each individually decided that they wanted to contribute. Praying for joy and strength on Sunday for the service and burial.

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