lollie010 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 We lost my father yesterday after a short and intense battle with lung cancer. There was so much trauma and suffering involved. We will make it. I know we will. But, this is hard. I am so heartbroken I feel like curling up in bed, but there is so much to do. I am trying to keep it together for the kids. But, I am stunned by how hard they are taking this. Their needs have become paramount to any other. I have a 9 year old, 7 year old, 4 year old, and 3 month old. I thought we had prepared them, but they are distraught. Two of them turned completely blue and began vomiting. The four year old has complete understanding of the finality and has cried sobbing tears for hours. I was unprepared for the level of their grief. I knew they would be sad, but I had no idea how intensely they would react. People told me as long as the kids knew that I would be ok, they would be ok. But, it goes much beyond that...they are not worried about me...they simply "miss HIM" and so do I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm very sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: Take some time to grieve. It's ok and it's ok for your kids. I'm so sorry. May you all find comfort in each other. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry. :crying: Lost my mother the same way. :crying: Cancer totally sucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Laurel, I have no words that seem helpful. I'm so sorry for your loss. Fathers/grandfathers are very precious, and are missed deeply when they leave us. You know it *will* be ok, but right now is just so hard. Please lean on any IRL support you have. And if you're a Christian, lean on the Lord. He is there. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I am so sorry for your loss. Hang tight. It does get more managable. I have less moments of crushing sorrow than I did at first. It'll be 7months tomorrow since we lost my dad. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparrow Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm so sorry for your loss :grouphug: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I think it's been about 4 or 5 years for us and we can finally mention the person now and then. I still avoid it, obviously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm so sorry. It's been almost 18 years since I lost my father and I miss him every day. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: Even though I had a rocky relationship with my dad, it is still hard sometimes. He passed away when I was in college, and I now have feelings of my dd will never know him. He really liked little kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-bex Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. :( I lost my mother when I was 23, and it was also very quick and a very stressful event in itself. Everything just stopped for me. I did not have children, though, so the only grief I had to manage was mine and my older sister's. My best advice is that the grief will come in waves. You are in grief/shock right now, so it is at it's most extreme. It will begin to level off, and then at some times you/they will seem to feel OK, and then it will, *wham*, hit you right in the face again. You must be exhausted, dealing with your own grief and managing your kids' as well. Don't worry about any of the other stuff. Be together and express it and try to eat nourishing food. Biiiiiig hugs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Big love, big grief, I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm so sorry. Grief is hard work and it can take a very long time. Everyone is different in the path they need to take. Be gently with yourself and family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 (((Hugs))) The suddenness makes it more difficult. So sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: It is hard. Just give yourself - and your kids - permission to grieve, and try to ride it out. Like others have said, the grief seems to level off a bit with time - level off in the sense that it is not a constant presence in your life, but rather comes in waves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I am so sorry. Yes, it will hurt you to a stunning degree and will hurt your children. My Grandfather died when I was 11. It is still vivid to me how much that hurt. He was such an exemplary and loving Granddad. I still believe he shaped my beliefs about what a good man is - even much more than my father. Give yourselves time to process and cry and remember. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shinyhappypeople Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: Cancer's a bitch. I'm so sorry for your loss. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to cancer last year, my mom 10 years ago. My mom fought a hard battle for 4 1/2 years. Dad it was less than a year, and not supposed to be the bad kind. Yeah, right. It helps to talk to about him, and remember funny stories, look at pictures... maybe even have the littles draw pictures of their memories, or pictures to "give to grandpa". As others have said, Cancer Sucks! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so, so sorry. :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 {{{many hugs}}} You are in the raw, early stages of unexpected grief. Of course you feel the way you do. I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to cancer a few years ago. It doesn't matter how old you are when parents die; it is still a humbling, scary, and profound loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PentecostalMom Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 (((hugs))) Cannot imagine your pain or your dc's. Praying for all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
caroljenn Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I am so sorry for you and your family. I lost my sister suddenly last year, and my parents both died over 10 years ago. I will be praying for you and your family. =( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I"m so sorry. I remember a friend of mine describing once, after she lost her husband, how her heart seemed to actually physically hurt after he died. I know it's not the same thing, but when my husband suffered a stroke and our lives changed so suddenly, I grieved. It still physically hurts. :( I'm sorry your children are so affected too. They must have really loved him! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I am so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I am so sorry. :grouphug: Give yourself and your kids time. Be kind to yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
extendedforecast Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 grief has so many different faces. It's only been a day... it's really hard. Plus, it sounds like it was very sudden. There was probably hardly any time for the kids to process it all. Be there for them. Let them know it's okay to cry and be sad. My mom died last week and my youngest (11) was much more distraught at her funeral than I thought he would be. She moved far away when he was 5 and he has only seen her a handful of times since then (and most of those she was already quite sick). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlessedMom Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I am so sorry for your loss. You and your precious children will be in my prayers. May the Lord comfort you all during this time! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 It is so hard. I am so sorry for your loss. Expressing grief is healthy. Express away! Hold onto each other...and know it will be ok. You will always miss your dad and they will always miss their grandfather. But day by day get through it together. And cancer does really suck. My mil died from lung cancer after a very short 6 week battle. It was awful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PuddleJumper1 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bree Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 Praying for your family. I lost my best friend suddenly about 5 months ago and she was pregnant with her first baby. My kids were very attached to her too and I think it took about a good month for us to be functioning, all of us. Take your time to grieve. So sorry for your loss :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tokyomarie Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I am so sorry to hear that you, too, have joined the club of losing a parent to cancer. I lost my mom to lung cancer last October. Her battle was pretty short- 4.5 months from the first hint she had a tumor on the lung. It was pretty intense, too. Like others have said, these first few days and weeks are hard. It is normal to sob, and the sobs come when they are least expected. It's far better to cry now and process the grief than to hold it way back and have it come out in unexpected ways later on. Was your father involved in a hospice program? If so, contact hospice and ask to see a bereavement counselor. This person can help your children, too. I believe that even if your father was not in hospice that you can call a non-profit hospice facility and get short term bereavement counseling. My mom was in hospice at the end and after she died, I had a few sessions with a social worker who provided grief counseling at no cost to myself. It was helpful to have someone to listen to my story and help me understand what is normal in the grieving process. I still have some grief stuff to work through (in addition to other life transition matters) so I have decided to work with someone in the community to get additional help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamatohaleybug Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I am terribly sorry for your enormous loss. Just reading what you wrote was painful. My heart goes out to you and your sweet family. Hugs and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 :grouphug: Grief is human. Humanity is not something to apologise for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted April 5, 2013 Share Posted April 5, 2013 I am so sorry Laurel. (((Hugs))) My parents dies when I was a teenager. I know it is not easy to lose your parents. You and your family will be in my thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 I am so sorry! Grief is so difficult. My stepfather passed away last April and it has been much harder to work through than I ever could have imagined. God bless, Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 (((hugs))) I'm so, so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PachiSusan Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss. 1.11.11 will forever be the day that changed me as my Father passed away with no warning whatsoever. I still feel that aching loss and the fear and the grief. It gets better then it hits you like a wave again. Contact grief counselors for your family. It's really really beneficial; especially for the kids who don't have as many coping skills as an adult has. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandsam Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 I've very sorry for your loss. I lost my mom about a year ago. It was hard - hard for my kids too. I think you have an opportunity here to teach them how to grieve. They seem to be taking the loss very hard. Perhaps you can spend time talking with them, sharing your beliefs, letting them express how they feel. Let them know it's ok to express feelings. Your older two are at a really challenging age. <hugs> to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZooRho Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 I'm so very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in July. I still can get all teared up about it. Do ask for help with the many aspects of things. The funeral home or your church may have resources for helping your children understand grief. There is no shelf life to grief. You grieve as long as you grieve. You grieve because you love. Blessings to you and your family as you walk this path. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 There is no such thing as pre-grieving. No matter how much you know it is coming, when it comes the loss of a close loved one is an emotional and physical process. It takes time. Lots of time. Be gentle with yourselves. Accept any help offered and don't expect things to bounce back to normal right away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lollie010 Posted April 6, 2013 Author Share Posted April 6, 2013 Thank you all for your kind words and hugs. I gained strength for the day by reading and re-reading each. We have worked through some things today that I think will help the kids express their love for "pops" and honor his memory. My 9 year old has asked to sing "I can only imagine" at the funeral. He is prepared for this. He knows it is ok to change his mind at any time and be will have congregational support after the first verse. It will be beautiful. My 7 year old has asked to do a beautiful dance that she has learned as well as hang up all the the gorgeous pictures and cards that she has made him over the past few months my precious nephew (13 yo) is going to play Amazing Grace on the violin. They are excited about their offerings and each individually decided that they wanted to contribute. Praying for joy and strength on Sunday for the service and burial. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PachiSusan Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 We did "I Can Only Imagine" at my father's funeral and it's absolutely a perfect song to honor your Dad's life too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vida Winter Posted April 6, 2013 Share Posted April 6, 2013 I am so sorry for your loss. My father passed away suddenly about 18 years ago. I know it may not seem like it now but time will heal your broken hearts. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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