Jump to content

Menu
Giving You and Your Child a Road Map to the Best Possible Education
The Well-Trained Mind Community

So if you've ever permanently separated/divorced a spouse, what did you do in those first days?

Julie in CA

By Julie in CA,
in The Chat Board

 Share

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 169
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Rosie_0801

Rosie_0801

Posted
Posted

I cried, made the important, official phone calls about child support and stuff, cried some more, packed the house and moved out, ranted to my brother, listened to him rant back, got my tarot cards read, then felt a whole lot better. After a while, you find yourself thinking "that was ages ago" whenever anyone brings up the topic and "well, when it's the right person and the right time..."

 

But today is Christmas. Eat too many cookies and watch Christmas movies.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Isabella

Isabella

Posted
Posted

Oh, Julie! You've been on my mind so much lately - wondering how you were going. I am at a similar place right now...I haven't left, but I'm grieving that I'll never have a normal relationship with my husband - he has OCPD, and it's all gotten too much right now.

 

My family have gone to grandparents for Christmas, but I can't cope, so I'm staying home alone.

 

I don't know if this will help, but I read the other day (not sure if I have it all right..) 3 days to even come to terms with it, and accept that it's over, 3 weeks to process it, 3 months to grieve and feel there is light at the end of the tunnel, and then one month for every year of your marriage before you feel that you are able to move on properly.

 

Hugs to you, and to all those out there in the same circumstances. :grouphug: :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites
elfgivas

elfgivas

Posted
Posted

it was christmas eve for me, all those years ago. what i did was go to church. then, i came home, and followed tradition.... we read the night before christmas, we hung up stockings, i tucked kids into bed, and then i went downstairs and wrapped presents with christmas carols playing, and cried my eyes out.

 

then i decided it was now my life, and that i loved christmas, and he didn't get to take that away from me too. that carried me thru the next day.

 

you can do this.

 

:grouphug:

ann

Link to comment
Share on other sites
ladyinthegarden

ladyinthegarden

Posted
Posted

I hope your emotional state has improved since you posted. I don't know the story, but tensions seem to run higher around all holidays, especially when there is ongoing conflict. This could be temporary. You need to get the kids rounded up and let them help with cooking and cleaning, so you can have a good meal tomorrow and a tidy home. You will feel better once you work of some of the stress. It sounds crazy, but take deep breaths and release them when you start to feel overwhelmed. I'll keep your family in my prayers. :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Joanne

Joanne

Posted
Posted

{{{hugs}}} to the OP and ALL the pain represented in this thread.

 

Me? By the time I told my xh to go, I was OVER IT. I had mourned and ended the marriage while the marriage was still, ostensibly, intact. So, his exit didn't mark the beginning of the end, but the end of the end.

 

The first weekend he was gone - and had the kids - I danced naked to 1970's and 1980's rock.

 

In time, I developed a new normal. I found that establishing a routine and ritual for the kids around visitation helped.

 

For you, now, remember that you can't tell your kids *enough* that it is not their fault. That there is nothing they can do to change it, and nothing they did caused it.

 

{{{more hugs}}}

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Halftime Hope

Halftime Hope

Posted
Posted

{{{hugs}}} to the OP and ALL the pain represented in this thread.

 

Me? By the time I told my xh to go, I was OVER IT. I had mourned and ended the marriage while the marriage was still, ostensibly, intact. So, his exit didn't mark the beginning of the end, but the end of the end.

 

The first weekend he was gone - and had the kids - I danced naked to 1970's and 1980's rock.

 

In time, I developed a new normal. I found that establishing a routine and ritual for the kids around visitation helped.

 

For you, now, remember that you can't tell your kids *enough* that it is not their fault. That there is nothing they can do to change it, and nothing they did caused it.

 

{{{more hugs}}}

 

 

I have a friend in exactly this situation, Joanne. Her counselor told her that in reality she had been divorced for years.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Elizabeth in MN

Elizabeth in MN

Posted
Posted

First off *HUGS*, then secondly - advice. When I kicked my husband out it took a while for him to actually get out. I was numb for a while, but I had a preschooler who needed me. I pulled myself together as best as I could and went on with my routine. It helped my daughter to know that though some things fall apart some things stayed the same. So, stick to the routine and kinda follow the lead of the kids.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Night Elf

Night Elf

Posted
Posted

:grouphug: I was the one who moved out and I moved in with my mom so I had someone taking care of me and my dd who was 18 months old at the time. Hopefully you will have some support. I kept my normal routine of working and getting dd to and from daycare. But I spent my evenings online talking to people and playing games. I tried not to think too much or I would cry. I don't know how long it took me to feel in control again, but my mom was great while I was down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Joanne

Joanne

Posted
Posted

OK, back.

 

I have forgotten your "story", so forgive me. I would also add into the mix something in support of the reasons the marriage has ended. If it was addiction, go to Al Anon (unless the addiction is yours, then go somewhere else ;)). If it was religion, either go to church or stop (depending on what you wish). If it was an affair, get some mental health support for your feelings. There is a pattern that often follows that one, so let me know.

 

Get your legal ducks in a row - and don't, don't, don't assume he'll be nice and it will be cheap and easy. That is VERY unlikely.

 

Select 2, 3 max people to talk to, and give superficial, cursory answers to the rest. This respects your need to have wholehearted support but limits the drama, the gossip, and shows respect to you and integrity.

 

Get help. Try churches. Although I don't identify as Christian anymore, I'd still go to and recommend a church based divorce support, probably because my experience at one was so helpful.

 

Here is an option:

 

http://www.divorcecare.org/

 

Know if you are introverted or extroverted, and try to stay centered using that information. Get the book

 

http://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Making-Homes/dp/0684830787/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1356450766&sr=8-1&keywords=mommy%27s+house+daddy%27s+house

 

I may have more later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
saraha

saraha

Posted
Posted

Oh Julie, I have been praying for you for a while now. I wish there was something I could do for you. Support, support, support. You are an amazing woman, doing many jobs for years, and raising great kids. You will get through this and come out on the other side much relieved. I hope your day is bearable and that the next few weeks get easier and easier.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Seasider

Seasider

Posted
Posted

Whatever you do, do not sit around blaming yourself. Or mentally listing woulda, coulda, shoulda's.

 

From what you have posted on this forum over the last year or so, you have revealed yourself as a loving, forgiving woman who has gone to great lengths to do whatever it would take to make things work. You have persevered beyond the point where many of us (heck, likely most of us) would have thrown in the towel. So, no guilt heaping allowed!

 

You have also shown yourself to be a very bright and resourceful gal who will no doubt pull through this. But in the interim, while things still hurt deeply, I offer you many hugs. I will keep you and your kids in my prayers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
jujsky

jujsky

Posted
Posted

It depends on whether or not you're a "keep busy" person or a "crumple up and cry" person (and it's okay to be both!). This will probably be hard on your kids. My dad left us the day after Christmas when I was 16. It was extremely difficult and my view of the holidays has been tainted by this. That being said, don't be fake about Christmas. I think that's what got me most about that last Christmas -- looking back at it and knowing it was all fake. I felt such a sense of family that year and to be slammed the next day that all of it was a front so Christmas wouldn't be ruined for my brother and me ended up completely ruining my memory of Christmas. Love on your kids, but if they're older, don't hide all your pain either. Acknowledge their pain. Divorce is hard even if your kids are adults or close to it. Don't bash their dad -- that's the worst thing you can do (my dad is now deceased and my mom STILL hates him and won't let her hatred for him go, which in some ways has negatively impacted my relationship with her). Be real. Make whatever effort you can. Where tradition is completely broken this year anyway, maybe do something out of the ordinary. If you don't normally go anywhere Christmas evening, go to a movie or see if there is a bowling alley open and take the kids if they're up for it -- they may not be.

 

Do what you need to do. If you need to sit in a bathtub and crumple up and cry for awhile to get through it, do it. If you need to keep busy and have frustration and nervous energy to burn, start cleaning. Set a timer or pick a small job and tackle it. When that is done take a break or do another. If your life is chaotic, the clutter and mess may add to that. If you can clean a bit and see the results of your work, that might make your mind feel a bit more organized. You may also want to find a counselor for you or for you and your children. This is a lot to process and you will all be doing it differently.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself. Eat. Exercise, even if it's a short walk by yourself every day. You need to do what you can to counteract the stress this will have on your body and mind.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
fantasma

fantasma

Posted
Posted

I left my husband last year on December 10th, bringing my 4 y.o. and 6 y.o. with me - I now have full custody, as there was some neglect involved.

 

Cry when you need to. If you don't want the kids to see you, cry in the shower or lock yourself in the bathroom and run the water. Make time every day to reassure the kids that it isn't because of them. And try to keep yourself busy with normal-ish things -- laundry, cooking, vacuuming, etc. "Normal" routine activities helped me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep things happening, so that they weren't too alarmed by the changes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Durriyyah

Durriyyah

Posted
Posted

 

Be patient with yourself. You will all need time to grieve. Model what you want for your kids right now. It's okay to say, "I'm feeling really sad right now," and take some time to be sad, then get on with the routine. If the kids feel sad or off-balance, allow them the same.

 

I remember that feeling, that everything was so off-kilter that it was hard to know what to do next. I'll add my voice to the chorus: It will get better, so much better. It just takes time. I look back at my old life (so long ago!) and it feels like another life altogether. This new life I've built feels so much more authentic. Someone mentioned eventually finding the light at the end of the tunnel...you can just follow our virtual voices through that tunnel until you see that light at the end. You can do this, and life will be better.

 

 

I wholeheartedly agree with this. Show your kids the healthy way to express their emotions, and cry when you need. Let yourself have some alone time, but not too much.

 

It does get better, and it really does just take time. There's no quick fix for the emotional aspect of it all. DD1's dad left me to move in with his new girlfriend when DD1 was about 18 months old and I turned to absolute putty. I wasn't moving towards my goals (finishing school) as fast as I was before him leaving, but I wasn't going to let him take my goal away from me, and I did end up finishing in the time I wanted. Keeping focused on the important goals in life and maintaining those can keep you moving forward. I would say the more you know this is the best decision, the easier it is. Write down your reasons, and the goals to maintain, for those weak moments. Don't give in to drinking or other ways to artificially mask the emotions - it may create new problems.

 

I pray you are doing as well as can be expected. Please update us. :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Parrothead

Parrothead

Posted
Posted

I hope your emotional state has improved since you posted. I don't know the story, but tensions seem to run higher around all holidays, especially when there is ongoing conflict. This could be temporary. You need to get the kids rounded up and let them help with cooking and cleaning, so you can have a good meal tomorrow and a tidy home. You will feel better once you work of some of the stress. It sounds crazy, but take deep breaths and release them when you start to feel overwhelmed. I'll keep your family in my prayers. :grouphug:

 

It has been a long hard road for them. Julie has tried for a long time to hold it all together. In the end, no matter how hard it is now, this might be for the best.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Julie in CA

Julie in CA

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Umm...still breathing in and out.

 

Turns out that my dh's brothers suspected that something was going on with him, and planted gps on his pickup truck. They ended up finding him at "her" place.

They also have seen a second cell phone hidden in various locations. They confronted him and told him to come clean with me and give up the other woman. After a length of time where it was apparent that he would not, they went to our pastor. From there, it snowballed without me ever knowing what was going on, and dh is before our spiritual council at church this very moment, answering to charges of knowingly and unrepentantly indulging in sin. He is still incomplete denial that there's anything more to confess. He is very repentant for seeing her, but is sticking with his explanation that he went there just that one time to apologize for his part in their inappropriate friendship. Completely denies a physical relationship, completely denies a secret cell phone, and denies being at her house at any other time than the time his brothers found him there. I found all of this out on Sunday. FWIW, I made dh show me where she lives, and took the opportunity to talk to both of them, giving her ample opportunity to crush me by admitting the affair, but she too adamantly denies any romantic involvement.

 

This is not husband-bashing, I don't think, and it's not even a private matter, since once it reaches disciplinary action in our church, it becomes public.

I just thought it would be fair to explain to all of you, who have been so kind and supportive of me, what had happened to cause such a change with me.

 

I am numb, and what's really disgusting to me is how much I want to toss aside the evidence and believe him still. There really is no way that he could be telling the truth, and at the same time, he's got to be the absolute best liar I've ever seen. I can't discern any motive for him to continue the claims of innocence. His reputation is already not salvageable, and he's already lost pretty much everything else he's based his life upon. Even though I've tried to reassure him that whatever the truth is, we can try to work it out for the best of everyone involved (and that includes whatever path he'd like to take that would bring him happiness too), he's sticking with a path that will lose him everything, including communion in a church that I know he loves. I can't figure out what can be gained through the denial.

 

Anyway, I hope this doesn't get the entire thread deleted, because I know the update can only be a good thing.

I'm sick, and sorrowful, but still breathing in and out for now.

 

Thanks,

Julie

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...