Miss Peregrine Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I'm so sorry, Julie. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Aw Julie. I thought it would be something along those lines from what I remember of previous posts. I'm so very, very sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reya Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 So sorry, Julie. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I figured it was something like this because of the timing. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Oh, Julie, what a mess. I'm so sorry for all this. Thinking of you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I figured as much too. I have to say wow on the honor of his brothers. Just wow! I am always thrilled to see men standing up for what is right. I don't understand people who continue to deny in the face of overwhelming evidence but I've seen it quite often. My own best friend caught her now xh at a hotel with the other woman and even when he came out of the room where she was he denied he was in an affair. Claimed he was borrowing hair spray from her. Comical as it seems now 15 years down the road at the time it was maddening for everyone who just wanted him to come clean. She gave him chance after chance....every time he would get caught with her he would claim he was only there that 'one time' to break it off with her for good. (( Julie)) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFaerie Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Julie, this has been my first Christmas post-divorce, and I'm afraid I didn't handle it very well. I was depressed and mopey and didn't take much joy in the season. I feel better now that the holiday is over, and I am more committed now to moving forward with my life. I came across a quote sometime in the past few months that has helped to keep me going. It sounds trite and humorous, but it's the truth. "If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING." To me, it means that if you keep moving, you'll eventually come out on the other side, a stronger person for the experience. Whatever happens between you and your husband, you will be stronger inside than before. Hang in there, and keep going. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Gah. Only an idiot drives to a woman's house to apologize for his part in an inappropriate relationship. That alone would finish it for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 The denial in the face of absurdly real facts is a common, expected pattern. This author has some good insight, although I don't like all of what he says: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html It's worth reading. Expect a complete re-write of history in order to justify the behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Because of the collapse of our business, there really isn't anything to secure. I do have a bit of cash put away on my own. Good for you. You need to try to think of the practicalities as opposed to the emotional side of things. Do what keeps body and soul together, but retain a lawyer to look out for your best interests while you are sorting through your feelings. And right now, don't believe a word dh says. He (and your family) needs counseling soon. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted December 26, 2012 Author Share Posted December 26, 2012 I figured as much too. I have to say wow on the honor of his brothers. Just wow! I am always thrilled to see men standing up for what is right. Well...sort of. I have mixed feelings about this. Why, in the name of all that's merciful, did they wait more than four months to tell me... I don't blame them at all, nor am I bitter that they didn't show me the cell phone so I could have seen with my own eyes, but I am regretful that they waited to tell me until I have no chance at all now of seeing the proof with my own eyes. I'm sure that phone is long gone by now, but it would have cemented for me in a concrete way, the real facts. As would the gps, which they removed after catching him that one time. I believe them, it's not that. It just would have helped me to move on a little easier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I like a lot of marriage builders but the forums are officially whacked. I do agree that an affair is like an addiction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Well...sort of. I have mixed feelings about this. Why, in the name of all that's merciful, did they wait more than four months to tell me... I don't blame them at all, nor am I bitter that they didn't show me the cell phone so I could have seen with my own eyes, but I am regretful that they waited to tell me until I have no chance at all now of seeing the proof with my own eyes. I'm sure that phone is long gone by now, but it would have cemented for me in a concrete way, the real facts. As would the gps, which they removed after catching him that one time. I believe them, it's not that. It just would have helped me to move on a little easier. Oh I did not realize they knew for 4 months!!! Yes certainly they should have told you sooner and given you the proof. I got proof with a key logger and it absolutely helped me process the depth of the betrayal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I'm so sorry, Julie. :grouphug: Now that everything is out in the open (as painful as that is), I hope you find clarity and peace about your next steps. From your posts, it sounds like you're mostly sad and hurt right now, which is totally understandable. But I hope that the additional things you've found out in recent days help you channel your anger, because that can be a healthy and helpful emotion in situations like yours. Once I finally got angry about what had happened between my XH and me, I was able to move forward and do what needed to be done. You have every right to be angry about what has been done to you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I haven't personally separated or divorced, but both of my sisters have. 1. Talk to a friend. 2. Get an attorney. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Well...sort of. I have mixed feelings about this. Why, in the name of all that's merciful, did they wait more than four months to tell me... I don't blame them at all, nor am I bitter that they didn't show me the cell phone so I could have seen with my own eyes, but I am regretful that they waited to tell me until I have no chance at all now of seeing the proof with my own eyes. I'm sure that phone is long gone by now, but it would have cemented for me in a concrete way, the real facts. As would the gps, which they removed after catching him that one time. I believe them, it's not that. It just would have helped me to move on a little easier. Can you ask them to sit down and put in writing a detailed account or detailed list? It might help to have that in black and white. One further thought is that they may not have told you because they were working as a band of brothers. It can be hard to bring in another person--though they absolutely should have done so. It might just be a matter of their brother-culture group-think dynamic. I will reiterate, though, that they absolutely should have secured the cell phone (or taken pictures) for you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I can't figure out what can be gained through the denial. I don't know the chap involved, but previous experience has me thinking it works along these lines: Only nasty bastard persons have affairs. I am not a nasty bastard person therefore I can't have had an affair. He doesn't gain, but he gets to retain his own feelings of integrity. For what they are worth... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted December 26, 2012 Author Share Posted December 26, 2012 I don't know the chap involved, but previous experience has me thinking it works along these lines: Only nasty bastard persons have affairs. I am not a nasty bastard person therefore I can't have had an affair. He doesn't gain, but he gets to retain his own feelings of integrity. For what they are worth... That was my only guess about it too, but you put it so much more eloquently than I could. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KrissiK Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I'm so sorry, Julie. I hope you're feeling better today. Our church went through a situation like this several years ago with our former pastor. He stood before our congregation and categorically denied everything, but his house of cards eventually crumbled. Hugs to you, my friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Well, the both of them are obviously a pair of lying liars who lie. I'm so, so, sorry. But now, make up your mind to just leave them to their misery and try to focus on your future. I promise, it will be a very bright one. You are a compassionate, kind, talented woman with her whole life ahead of her. Keep that in mind right now while you're mired in the muck. Once you get past it....the world is your oyster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Well, the both of them are obviously a pair of lying liars who lie. My favorite quote of the day! Lying liars who lie! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Oh, Julie. I'm so sorry... :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I was thinking, "You know, maybe it's true that he only went so far with this and no further." I mean, it's possible. But then I thought that your BIL must have been very suspicious in the first place to go as far as to put a tracker on his car. Brothers tend to be loyal, and his must have had a very good reason to think that he should track that way. I would be pressing them for what made them so suspicious in the first place. I also would get ready for compounded lying. In my experience, men who cheat start lying to themselves and others, and the biggest lie is always, "My wife is crazy." Be strong, Julie. My heart goes out to you and your children. Dana Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in IN Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 :grouphug: Julie, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Others have given good advice, but I just want to say that I'm praying for you and will continue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Sorry Julie. That must have felt like a punch in the face. I know you had high hopes that things would work out. Give yourself time and space to grieve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candid Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I skimmed the first page and didn't see this kind of advice so I thought I would mention it if no one else has: Find an attorney Change the locks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I skimmed the first page and didn't see this kind of advice so I thought I would mention it if no one else has: Find an attorney Change the locks. Yep....Except the attorney will tell you that you can't change the locks. I wondered Julie how did you get him to leave? Where did he go? I couldn't get my then cheating husband to leave. He finally signed a seperation agreement less than an hour before we were suppose to appear in front of a judge for an emergency hearing. Even then it was a day or two before he was out.....I had to load all his clothes in my car and called him at work and told him to meet me at his new apartment...I had sneakily taken his key off his ring that morning while he was in the shower, so I never had to change the lock. And once I had the judge's signature on the seperation agreement I had 'right of residency'....so he couldn't just come back. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through. But I did it and so can you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I could totally see the brothers having to have time to try and 'fix' the problem first before telling the wife. They firstly confirmed their suspicions, then confronted him, then went to the church for disciplinary measures to be taken. this all takes time. I am guessing that the brothers had to deal with their own shock before they could tell the wife. I use to belong to a church that practiced shunning. I Had to report my brother to the church elders for having an affair with another mans wife. It was a extremely hard thing to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Was this perhaps an "emotional" affair and not a physical one? As shattering and inappropriate that is, could they be telling the truth about not having a physical relationship? Just something to consider. Of course, you may have other information that confirms what you suspected. I am so glad it sounds like his family is fully aware and not enabling him but standing by you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I would be pressing them for what made them so suspicious in the first place. I wouldn't. It's time for cutting the bonds, not doing things to strengthen them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Was this perhaps an "emotional" affair and not a physical one? As shattering and inappropriate that is, could they be telling the truth about not having a physical relationship? Just something to consider. Of course, you may have other information that confirms what you suspected. I am so glad it sounds like his family is fully aware and not enabling him but standing by you! I don't know about anyone else but this would make no difference to me. An affair is an affair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reya Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Well...sort of. I have mixed feelings about this. Why, in the name of all that's merciful, did they wait more than four months to tell me... I don't blame them at all, nor am I bitter that they didn't show me the cell phone so I could have seen with my own eyes, but I am regretful that they waited to tell me until I have no chance at all now of seeing the proof with my own eyes. I'm sure that phone is long gone by now, but it would have cemented for me in a concrete way, the real facts. As would the gps, which they removed after catching him that one time. I believe them, it's not that. It just would have helped me to move on a little easier. They probably were hoping he would regain his sanity and they wouldn't have to come to you because he would do the right thing and come clean. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I wouldn't. It's time for cutting the bonds, not doing things to strengthen them. You are probably right. I was just thinking that Julie might need a lot of reinforcement right now that she is being reasonable, her husband probably is lying, and she's not exaggerating things. Some men are very persuasive in their dishonesty, so I was thinking about her need to confirm that suspicion is reasonable, despite how much he protests. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Well...sort of. I have mixed feelings about this. Why, in the name of all that's merciful, did they wait more than four months to tell me... I don't blame them at all, nor am I bitter that they didn't show me the cell phone so I could have seen with my own eyes, but I am regretful that they waited to tell me until I have no chance at all now of seeing the proof with my own eyes. I'm sure that phone is long gone by now, but it would have cemented for me in a concrete way, the real facts. As would the gps, which they removed after catching him that one time. I believe them, it's not that. It just would have helped me to move on a little easier. He's lying. She's lying. They are both lying. Your dh's own brothers ratted him out to your church, and that's really saying something. Many brothers would cover up for each other, but your dh's brothers thoroughly investigated the situation and tried to convince him to make things right... but he wouldn't do it. There is no doubt in my mind that your dh is having an affair with the other woman -- and quite possibly more than just that one woman. What other possible reason would he have had for the secret second cell phone??? And let's face it, that's not something his brothers would make up. Julie, I'm so sorry things have turned out this way, but honestly, I think a lot of us saw it coming and were just hoping that we were wrong. Get an attorney. NOW. Do. Not. Wait. Another. Day. Do not look back. Do not think of the good times. Do not think that maybe, possibly he might be telling the truth. He's not. He's a liar and a cheat, and if he's worried about breaking up the marriage, it's probably because he knows he'll get hit up for financial support for you and your kids. Look toward the future. Imagine what it will be like, a few months from now, when you can spend your whole day not worrying about where your dh is, who he's with, or what he might be doing with her... because you won't care any more. You will have moved on. You will have realized that he was a weasel and that you deserve better... much, much better. You are a kind and decent person, and unfortunately, when you've got a lying, cheating spouse, you are your own worst enemy because you want so much to believe the best about him. You would never do something so awful to him, so it's hard to imagine that he could do it to you -- and then lie through his teeth about it. But you'll get through this. We're here for you and we're praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Julie :grouphug: I'm sorry. Don't worry about Christmas, it's just a day. It will still happen even if you don't "celebrate" it. I was divorced when I was 22. I drank too much, ate a lot of ice cream, and moved back in with my parents. I don't really recommend any of them, except maybe the ice cream. I was a few years older, but yeah..that's what I did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 You are probably right. I was just thinking that Julie might need a lot of reinforcement right now that she is being reasonable, her husband probably is lying, and she's not exaggerating things. Some men are very persuasive in their dishonesty, so I was thinking about her need to confirm that suspicion is reasonable, despite how much he protests. Sure, but the inlaws aren't the best place to go for that. They'll tell him what she said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pod's mum Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 It does get better. It does get less hard. This will not be quick. But you now aren't going around in circles thinking you are mad and imagining things. My ex had an unceasing affair with substance not another person. But again it was all "my issue", "imagined" and "all over" etc etc. Soooo much healthier and better not living with that. I am even learning to value myself, something that was absolutely NOT an option earlier. Hit your video store. Enjoy your kids. Remember to laugh at funny stuff when you don't feel like it. Stay busy. Constantly tell yourself to Breathe....Exhale. "My Peace I give to you", this passage helped me a lot. Others value you. You will learn to too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 To quote Maya Angelou, "When people show you who they are...believe them. The first time." He's shown you who he is...a liar. This may not even be the first woman he's cheated with, and it may not be the only woman he's cheating with now. Kick his sorry butt out the door and don't look back. He doesn't deserve you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I've watched both my sisters and my mother go through this. Don't look back. Get a kick @ss lawyer now. Don't talk to him, don't listen to him, don't believe him. Move it on. Things will get better and you will be happy again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Continuing to think of you during this difficult time... :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Another Jen Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Julie, I just wanted to add my prayers and remind you how strong you are. You will figure out what to do and be fine. I know it. Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Thinking of you. :grouphug: (I was thinking of you earlier but then the board went down. Where do the hugs go when that happens? :laugh: ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 You know, Julie, I also want to give you gentle hugs, as well as the cautious advice that this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. IF he fully admits to his sins. IF he fully repents. IF you feel that God is leading you to salvage the relationship. IF the extent of the wounding isn't unsalvageable. THEN, you two can make this work. With a lot of grace, counsel, prayers, and communication it can work. I don't say this to in any way minimize what you're dealing with, or to derail your progress for today. Just a little side note of hope that things can very well improve as time goes on. Without him, yes, as many on this board have attested to. But also WITH him, should that be the direction you're both led. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 You know, Julie, I also want to give you gentle hugs, as well as the cautious advice that this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. I think you haven't seen previous threads on this topic over the last year or so. Your post is not really helpful given the past. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 I think you haven't seen previous threads on this topic over the last year or so. Your post is not really helpful given the past. Gina, I have to agree with Betty on this one -- If you go back and read Julie's previous threads about her marriage, you'll see that this isn't a new issue, and that she has gone far above and beyond what anyone could have expected her to do to make her marriage work. I know your intentions are entirely well-intentioned, but in Julie's case, I can't imagine that there is any possible way for her problems with her dh to be repaired. There is just so incredibly much wrong that I can't even begin to explain. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 nm. I don't want to hurt anyone by saying anything further. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 nm. I don't want to hurt anyone by saying anything further. If you had read even her update you would know that she had tried your approach before he was found going to the other woman's house and still denied wrongdoing. There is no repentance or even acknowledgment of the problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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