So if you've ever permanently separated/divorced a spouse, what did you do in those first days?

[Julie in CA]

I asked my husband to leave our home yesterday. I have no idea how to get through the next couple of days, or what I should be doing this minute other than staring at the wall and rocking back and forth.

 

Umm...what am I supposed to do today? Clean up a little? Try to gather the remnants of Christmas for my dc? Think of something for dinner? What? I'm looking around thinking that it's no wonder all of this happened. My house is untidy (though not a disaster), and I look...(and feel) ill, and I don't know what to do about Christmas.

[Random]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I have no idea. I'd guess it's different for everyone.

 

:grouphug:

[Chelle in MO]

Oh, Julie. I am so, so sorry. I don't have any advice, just hugs. I wish we were friends in real life.

[Caroline]

I don't know the answer to your question. I just wanted to give you gentle hugs and let you know I will be thinking of you and your family.

[Myra]

"Still Mom to a pack of young adults who, by their daily presence, remind me that life is still worth living"

 

I'm quoting from your signature line. Just keep remembering your own words! Hang in there and muddle through the holidays - your children and you will figure it out together.

 

Thinking of you,

 

Myra

[Chelli]

No words just :grouphug: and prayers.

[Rose in BC]

I'm so sorry you are going through this painful experience. Honestly, I don't know what you should do except yes, plan to eat. You need to take care of yourself. Again, I'm so sorry.

[Sophia]

I don't know, but I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am so sorry. I wish I had words of advice for you.

[BugsMama]

Do you have friends or family near by?

 

For me, I needed to stay on a routine. We started movie night Friday where the kids and I all piled in the living room. I scheduled something every day, from going to the grocery store, a park playdate, anything really, as long as there was something every day to keep me from laying in my pajamas and crying.

 

I cried after the kids were in bed. It helps to have a friend to call.

 

I'm going to message you my email address- if you need an ear who's been there. :)

[Jen in PA]

Julie, :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: . I left a husband many years ago, but there were no kids involved...... Breathe, eat something, take care of yourself. If you feel up to doing something for the holiday today or tomorrow, go for it -- if not, don't let that add any stress to your life right now.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I haven't BTDT but I would (if possible) go to see Mom and Dad (if that wasn't stressful). It would provide some distraction for the kids as well as myself.

[Kathryn]

I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

[Blueridge]

I agree that, if it were me, I would probably try to go somewhere, preferable where my extended family was. They could fill the gap a little at least. I am so very sorry, Julie. I know you've struggled for so long and I am brokenhearted for you. :grouphug:

[SunnyDays]

Julie, I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Yes, eat, take care of yourself, focus on the kids, tackle a project that will keep your mind and hands busy. Do you have family or friends you could go see this evening? Thinking of you...

[Cinder]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I am so sorry you're going through this difficult time.

[*********]

Julie, you continue to be on my heart and in my prayers.

 

If there's someone you can call, then do that. Reach out to whoever you feel comfortable with. Just don't try to do it all by yourself.

 

Many prayers.

[elegantlion]

Julie :grouphug: I'm sorry.

 

Don't worry about Christmas, it's just a day. It will still happen even if you don't "celebrate" it.

 

 

I was divorced when I was 22. I drank too much, ate a lot of ice cream, and moved back in with my parents. I don't really recommend any of them, except maybe the ice cream.

[Julie in CA]

. I drank too much, ate a lot of ice cream, and moved back in with my parents. I don't really recommend any of them, except maybe the ice cream.

Can't keep anything down, so ice cream and alcohol are, unfortunately, out.

My mom would drive me crazy with both her sympathy, and her hard-line approach to dealing with men.

[I.Dup.]

:grouphug:

 

Movies, start a project, lose yourself in something as much as you can. I'm so sorry.

[Danestress]

I am not divorced or separated, but I wanted to give you a virtual hug. ((((Julie)))). My nature would be to do what you are doing - cry, rock, vomit.

 

My advice would be to go to the nearest barnes and noble and find something really good to read. Something transportive and absorbing.

 

Are your kids around? I would try to let them comfort me, even though I imagine you are inconsolable.

[Heatherwith4]

Oh Julie, I'm so sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Kari C in SC]

First I want to give you a virtual hug. Then I want to tell you that you need to get up and DO whatever Christmas is for your kids. I know I sound harsh - trust me - I am not trying to say it that way. While I have not been through a divorce, I have been through the death of my son. They are both losses - gigantic, horrible losses. There is no sugar coating it. This morning I got up and it took everything in me to change my attitude and make this Christmas. I spent some time looking at videos and pictures, then I went and had a full on cry with God sitting on the floor of my closet. Then I came out of my closet and I began making Christmas cookies and mashed potatoes and I sang with my kids and I LIVED because that is what I must do! And - you must do that too. Don't let this be the Christmas your children remember as the worst Christmas ever. Pray, Cry, Scream and then look into your babies faces and make this Christmas happy. Hugs and hugs and more hugs!

[Forget-Me-Not]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

I have no advice, but my heart hurts for you.

[Scarlett]

(((Julie)))

 

One foot in front of the other. I have been there, done that and would do a few things differently. The things I did that helped was to focus on my child, clean and organize like a mad woman and spend a lot of time with loved ones who totally supported me.

 

And in regards to dealing with my then husband I found the less contact I had with him the better I felt.

 

What I wish I had done differently: got more sleep ( even if I had to take something for it).

[TammyinTN]

No advice, but loads of hugs and prayers. :grouphug:

[NorthwestMom]

First I want to give you a virtual hug. Then I want to tell you that you need to get up and DO whatever Christmas is for your kids. I know I sound harsh - trust me - I am not trying to say it that way. While I have not been through a divorce, I have been through the death of my son. They are both losses - gigantic, horrible losses. There is no sugar coating it. This morning I got up and it took everything in me to change my attitude and make this Christmas. I spent some time looking at videos and pictures, then I went and had a full on cry with God sitting on the floor of my closet. Then I came out of my closet and I began making Christmas cookies and mashed potatoes and I sang with my kids and I LIVED because that is what I must do! And - you must do that too. Don't let this be the Christmas your children remember as the worst Christmas ever. Pray, Cry, Scream and then look into your babies faces and make this Christmas happy. Hugs and hugs and more hugs!

 

 

Kari's got it right.

 

((Julie))

 

I really hoped your story would have a better ending.

[Scarlett]

Julie :grouphug: I'm sorry.

 

Don't worry about Christmas, it's just a day. It will still happen even if you don't "celebrate" it.

 

 

I was divorced when I was 22. I drank too much, ate a lot of ice cream, and moved back in with my parents. I don't really recommend any of them, except maybe the ice cream.

 

 

Oh yeah, I drank too much wine too during those first days. Doesn't help. Makes it even harder to sleep well. I couldn't eat either Julie . I lost 25 pounds in a month and got down to 112 pounds. I had wonderful support....I will always remember my neighbor who practically spoon fed me in those first weeks.

 

The good news is it does get better.

[justamouse]

:grouphug: :grouphug: I have no advice, I can't even imagine what you're going though.

 

You're in my prayers.

[Twigs]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[mommybee]

So sorry Julie.

 

I am going through the same thing right now myself, just since Nov so it's very fresh for me.

 

I know how much it hurts at this moment and I am just trusting this board that it will get better because that's what all you wonderful people keep telling us.

 

I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel already......

[Scarlett]

So sorry Julie.

 

I am going through the same thing right now myself, just since Nov so it's very fresh for me.

 

I know how much it hurts at this moment and I am just trusting this board that it will get better because that's what all you wonderful people keep telling us.

 

I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel already......

 

 

It does get better. I promise. In my case my life now is 100 times better than in the days before the divorce.

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug:

 

These next couple days, make Christmas for your children, the ways you usually celebrate.

 

Be patient with yourself. You will all need time to grieve. Model what you want for your kids right now. It's okay to say, "I'm feeling really sad right now," and take some time to be sad, then get on with the routine. If the kids feel sad or off-balance, allow them the same.

 

I remember that feeling, that everything was so off-kilter that it was hard to know what to do next. I'll add my voice to the chorus: It will get better, so much better. It just takes time. I look back at my old life (so long ago!) and it feels like another life altogether. This new life I've built feels so much more authentic. Someone mentioned eventually finding the light at the end of the tunnel...you can just follow our virtual voices through that tunnel until you see that light at the end. You can do this, and life will be better.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Cat

[JennifersLost]

You do what you have to do. You do what you have to do for the kids. You keep them close when you can. TV is your friend. Read aloud to them if you can.

 

You leave the room and cry for ten minutes at a time if you need to. Wash your face, come back, do what you can, go cry again.

 

Try to get outside even for 10 minutes 2 or 3 times a day. Try to see the sun. Try to move - even just a walk around the block.

 

This part actually lasts a shorter time than you'd think at the moment. It's awful, but if you can get through it there will come a point where you hit the highest natural high you've ever felt in your life - it's kind of amazing. That happens when you've processed the initial tsunami of grief, realized the grief isn't going to kill you, and then realized you actually get to live a life that's true to your values and ideals. You'll feel like you were at death's door and got a last-minute reprieve and the relief, hope and crazy joy will blow you away.

 

I know it seems impossible now, but you'll get there.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this - I hope you have support irl.

[Liz CA]

I haven't BTDT but I would (if possible) go to see Mom and Dad (if that wasn't stressful). It would provide some distraction for the kids as well as myself.

 

 

This. But if this is not possible, just think of the next hour. What to do in the next hour. Then after that the next hour or 5 minutes. Doing the next thing because we cannot see beyond that.

I am so sorry, Julie. I was under the impression things were improving.

[QueenCat]

:grouphug: Julie :grouphug:

[Mommy22alyns]

Oh gosh, I am so very sorry. I would try to do Christmas as much as possible for the kids (even though they're older).

[TranquilMind]

I asked my husband to leave our home yesterday. I have no idea how to get through the next couple of days, or what I should be doing this minute other than staring at the wall and rocking back and forth.

 

Umm...what am I supposed to do today? Clean up a little? Try to gather the remnants of Christmas for my dc? Think of something for dinner? What? I'm looking around thinking that it's no wonder all of this happened. My house is untidy (though not a disaster), and I look...(and feel) ill, and I don't know what to do about Christmas.

 

I'm sorry.

 

If you can clean and try to get some semblance of Christmas together, you will probably feel better being busy. Less time to think.

 

I'm so sorry.

[Dandelion]

I'm so sorry, Julie :grouphug: . I've read many of your posts over the last year and know you've been through so much hurt already.

 

I divorced at 27, but we had only been married 4 years and didn't have kids. Very different situation from yours. However, I agree that the very best thing you can do right now is focus on your kids and keeping busy. Do what you would normally do for Christmas (as much as possible - but if you're just not feeling it, or it feels too contrived, let it go). Distraction works. It's ok (and very necessary) to cry and grieve. Just don't allow yourself to wallow in your grief to the exclusion of everything else. Because life goes on, the pain diminishes, things get better, and your kids need you more than ever right now.

 

Be gentle with yourself and take extra good care of yourself right now. You'll get through this. :grouphug:

[prairiegirl]

Julie, I am so sorry. I am hugging you in my heart. When it happened to me, the only thing I could do in the first few days was breathe. That was all that I had energy or the desire to do. After a few days, I was then able to just do things with the kids: read, take walks, play games. It was all I had in me to do just those little things.

[Dandelion]

So sorry Julie.

 

I am going through the same thing right now myself, just since Nov so it's very fresh for me.

 

I know how much it hurts at this moment and I am just trusting this board that it will get better because that's what all you wonderful people keep telling us.

 

I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel already......

 

I'm sorry, Shannon. :grouphug: I've been there - it does get better. Wishing you peace and strength as you go through this, and I hope you can still find moments of joy with your kids this Christmas despite the pain and sadness. :grouphug:

[lllll]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I am so sorry, Julie.

[Desert Rat]

Oh, Julie. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[StephanieZ]

I haven't been there in that particular and terrible situation, but in other traumatic circumstances, I generally find that keeping as busy as possible with fun, low stress things is helpful.

 

Since you have minor children, I'd focus on choosing easy fun things to do together. Go to the movies or rent a bunch on Amazon or similar. Make popcorn or cookies or other SIMPLE things that you all enjoy. Spend all of Christmas in your jammies eating sweet and wonderful tasting (even if very simple) foods, maybe getting dressed to take a walk if you'd enjoy it.

 

I'd clean your bedroom if I were you. I'd stuff all his crap in bags or in the back corner of a closet, and I'd try to make it visually pleasing to you. Dig out a different quilt if you have one to change the scenery. Declutter a bit. Put out something pretty that you like to look at, like maybe some greens from outside or something. Try to pamper YOURSELF just a little bit. If your budget permits, purchase new linens if that appeals to you.

 

((((hugs))))

 

Stay strong. You can do this.

[5 Hikers]

My divorce was finalized in October, he married a week later. The kids are with their dad today and tomorrow til 12pm.

 

I have cleaned the house and organized toy bins, making room for new toys. I Did a few loads of laundry, plus I went through and put some clothes in a give-away bin that no longer fit anyone. I baked a tray of brownies and ate some. I vacuumed, swept and mopped.

 

I played Youtube videos like Stronger and Mr. Know it All and sang real loud. :blush:

 

I cried for a few minutes when I got a nasty email from him telling me he's taking me back to court because his new wife's kids are smarter than mine and he wants them in school.

 

I avoided my mom calling because she too gets more emotional than me and keeps telling me she's not surprised because he always was a jerk. Thanks, but it doesn't help.

 

I may take a hot bath and read a good book.

 

 

If the kids were home I'd play games with them and watch Home Alone or Christmas Story.

 

Everyone says it gets better, but I'm still waiting. I joined a gym last month and that has been a good outlet.

So, my friends dragged me out last weekend for the first time. I got hit on by a Russian man. He called the next day and wanted to take me to the woods hiking. I told him he made me uncomfortable and not to call again. It was good for a laugh though.

My best advice is cry as much as you want now, just let it all out.

[*Inna*]

I'm so sorry, Julie. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

My divorce was finalized in October, he married a week later. The kids are with their dad today and tomorrow til 12pm.

 

My best advice is cry as much as you want now, just let it all out.

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug:

[dangermom]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Julie. :grouphug: I have no advice except to keep breathing.

[kalanamak]

I cleaned and decluttered the whole house, cleaned the windows, rearranged furniture to make it seem less like "our" home, all while listening the The Cure's greatest hits. I never listened to The Cure before or after this. They know about sorrow. I let him howl instead of me.

[jenL]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to you Julie. Prayers are with you as well. Take it one day at a time or even one moment at a time...