gingersmom Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I cried, made the important, official phone calls about child support and stuff, cried some more, packed the house and moved out, ranted to my brother, listened to him rant back, got my tarot cards read, then felt a whole lot better. After a while, you find yourself thinking "that was ages ago" whenever anyone brings up the topic and "well, when it's the right person and the right time..." Â But today is Christmas. Eat too many cookies and watch Christmas movies. Â :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I am sorry, Julie. No advice, just :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isabella Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Oh, Julie! You've been on my mind so much lately - wondering how you were going. I am at a similar place right now...I haven't left, but I'm grieving that I'll never have a normal relationship with my husband - he has OCPD, and it's all gotten too much right now. Â My family have gone to grandparents for Christmas, but I can't cope, so I'm staying home alone. Â I don't know if this will help, but I read the other day (not sure if I have it all right..) 3 days to even come to terms with it, and accept that it's over, 3 weeks to process it, 3 months to grieve and feel there is light at the end of the tunnel, and then one month for every year of your marriage before you feel that you are able to move on properly. Â Hugs to you, and to all those out there in the same circumstances. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 No advice and haven't BTDT, just :grouphug: and I'm so sorry. I know you have had some hard times. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 it was christmas eve for me, all those years ago. what i did was go to church. then, i came home, and followed tradition.... we read the night before christmas, we hung up stockings, i tucked kids into bed, and then i went downstairs and wrapped presents with christmas carols playing, and cried my eyes out. Â then i decided it was now my life, and that i loved christmas, and he didn't get to take that away from me too. that carried me thru the next day. Â you can do this. Â :grouphug: ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyinthegarden Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I hope your emotional state has improved since you posted. I don't know the story, but tensions seem to run higher around all holidays, especially when there is ongoing conflict. This could be temporary. You need to get the kids rounded up and let them help with cooking and cleaning, so you can have a good meal tomorrow and a tidy home. You will feel better once you work of some of the stress. It sounds crazy, but take deep breaths and release them when you start to feel overwhelmed. I'll keep your family in my prayers. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I'm so sorry Julie. So very, very sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 :grouphug: I'm very sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Im so sorry Julie. Thinking of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 {{{hugs}}} to the OP and ALL the pain represented in this thread. Â Me? By the time I told my xh to go, I was OVER IT. I had mourned and ended the marriage while the marriage was still, ostensibly, intact. So, his exit didn't mark the beginning of the end, but the end of the end. Â The first weekend he was gone - and had the kids - I danced naked to 1970's and 1980's rock. Â In time, I developed a new normal. I found that establishing a routine and ritual for the kids around visitation helped. Â For you, now, remember that you can't tell your kids *enough* that it is not their fault. That there is nothing they can do to change it, and nothing they did caused it. Â {{{more hugs}}} Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Oh Julie! I wish I could give you a big hug right now. You are a smart, beautiful woman. This situation absolutely stinks, but you will find the strength within you to eventually move on. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 no advice, just virtual hugs. :grouphug: So sorry you're going through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 {{{hugs}}} to the OP and ALL the pain represented in this thread. Â Me? By the time I told my xh to go, I was OVER IT. I had mourned and ended the marriage while the marriage was still, ostensibly, intact. So, his exit didn't mark the beginning of the end, but the end of the end. Â The first weekend he was gone - and had the kids - I danced naked to 1970's and 1980's rock. Â In time, I developed a new normal. I found that establishing a routine and ritual for the kids around visitation helped. Â For you, now, remember that you can't tell your kids *enough* that it is not their fault. That there is nothing they can do to change it, and nothing they did caused it. Â {{{more hugs}}} Â Â I have a friend in exactly this situation, Joanne. Her counselor told her that in reality she had been divorced for years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Julie, like the others, I'm praying and sending virtual hugs. I'm so sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 No advice. I have never been there just lots of hugs :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 First off *HUGS*, then secondly - advice. When I kicked my husband out it took a while for him to actually get out. I was numb for a while, but I had a preschooler who needed me. I pulled myself together as best as I could and went on with my routine. It helped my daughter to know that though some things fall apart some things stayed the same. So, stick to the routine and kinda follow the lead of the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 :grouphug: I was the one who moved out and I moved in with my mom so I had someone taking care of me and my dd who was 18 months old at the time. Hopefully you will have some support. I kept my normal routine of working and getting dd to and from daycare. But I spent my evenings online talking to people and playing games. I tried not to think too much or I would cry. I don't know how long it took me to feel in control again, but my mom was great while I was down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 OK, back.  I have forgotten your "story", so forgive me. I would also add into the mix something in support of the reasons the marriage has ended. If it was addiction, go to Al Anon (unless the addiction is yours, then go somewhere else ;)). If it was religion, either go to church or stop (depending on what you wish). If it was an affair, get some mental health support for your feelings. There is a pattern that often follows that one, so let me know.  Get your legal ducks in a row - and don't, don't, don't assume he'll be nice and it will be cheap and easy. That is VERY unlikely.  Select 2, 3 max people to talk to, and give superficial, cursory answers to the rest. This respects your need to have wholehearted support but limits the drama, the gossip, and shows respect to you and integrity.  Get help. Try churches. Although I don't identify as Christian anymore, I'd still go to and recommend a church based divorce support, probably because my experience at one was so helpful.  Here is an option:  http://www.divorcecare.org/  Know if you are introverted or extroverted, and try to stay centered using that information. Get the book  http://www.amazon.com/Moms-House-Dads-Making-Homes/dp/0684830787/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1356450766&sr=8-1&keywords=mommy%27s+house+daddy%27s+house  I may have more later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 :grouphug: BTDT. Love and peace to you. Take one minute at a time. Do the next thing that needs to be done. It's okay to cry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Oh Julie, I have been praying for you for a while now. I wish there was something I could do for you. Support, support, support. You are an amazing woman, doing many jobs for years, and raising great kids. You will get through this and come out on the other side much relieved. I hope your day is bearable and that the next few weeks get easier and easier. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvnlattes Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm thinking of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 Whatever you do, do not sit around blaming yourself. Or mentally listing woulda, coulda, shoulda's. Â From what you have posted on this forum over the last year or so, you have revealed yourself as a loving, forgiving woman who has gone to great lengths to do whatever it would take to make things work. You have persevered beyond the point where many of us (heck, likely most of us) would have thrown in the towel. So, no guilt heaping allowed! Â You have also shown yourself to be a very bright and resourceful gal who will no doubt pull through this. But in the interim, while things still hurt deeply, I offer you many hugs. I will keep you and your kids in my prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 It depends on whether or not you're a "keep busy" person or a "crumple up and cry" person (and it's okay to be both!). This will probably be hard on your kids. My dad left us the day after Christmas when I was 16. It was extremely difficult and my view of the holidays has been tainted by this. That being said, don't be fake about Christmas. I think that's what got me most about that last Christmas -- looking back at it and knowing it was all fake. I felt such a sense of family that year and to be slammed the next day that all of it was a front so Christmas wouldn't be ruined for my brother and me ended up completely ruining my memory of Christmas. Love on your kids, but if they're older, don't hide all your pain either. Acknowledge their pain. Divorce is hard even if your kids are adults or close to it. Don't bash their dad -- that's the worst thing you can do (my dad is now deceased and my mom STILL hates him and won't let her hatred for him go, which in some ways has negatively impacted my relationship with her). Be real. Make whatever effort you can. Where tradition is completely broken this year anyway, maybe do something out of the ordinary. If you don't normally go anywhere Christmas evening, go to a movie or see if there is a bowling alley open and take the kids if they're up for it -- they may not be. Â Do what you need to do. If you need to sit in a bathtub and crumple up and cry for awhile to get through it, do it. If you need to keep busy and have frustration and nervous energy to burn, start cleaning. Set a timer or pick a small job and tackle it. When that is done take a break or do another. If your life is chaotic, the clutter and mess may add to that. If you can clean a bit and see the results of your work, that might make your mind feel a bit more organized. You may also want to find a counselor for you or for you and your children. This is a lot to process and you will all be doing it differently. Â :grouphug: I'm so sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself. Eat. Exercise, even if it's a short walk by yourself every day. You need to do what you can to counteract the stress this will have on your body and mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I am so, so sorry, Julie. I don't have advice, but I have lots of :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I'm so terribly sorry. I have nothing of value to offer, but I would like to give you lot of virtual :grouphug: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 :grouphug: i came by to wish you a merry christmas! :grouphug: Â it is at night, in the darkest times, that the stars shine most brightly...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I'm sorry, Julie. Wish I had some wisdom for you, but others do. If you were my irl friend, I'd hug you while you cried, if you wanted. Death of dreams is a hard death. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perry Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I'm so sorry, Julie. Â :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blueridge Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Julie, how are you doing today? Thinking of you and praying for your peace! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiniBlondes Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Julie, I can't add much more than what you've already been told here but I did want to give you a hug. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fantasma Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I left my husband last year on December 10th, bringing my 4 y.o. and 6 y.o. with me - I now have full custody, as there was some neglect involved. Â Cry when you need to. If you don't want the kids to see you, cry in the shower or lock yourself in the bathroom and run the water. Make time every day to reassure the kids that it isn't because of them. And try to keep yourself busy with normal-ish things -- laundry, cooking, vacuuming, etc. "Normal" routine activities helped me to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep things happening, so that they weren't too alarmed by the changes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Hope you are well today, Julie. Just checking in with more :grouphug: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Just thinking of you today....wondering how you are doing... and praying for healing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalypso Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Thinking of you... Â :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Durriyyah Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Â Be patient with yourself. You will all need time to grieve. Model what you want for your kids right now. It's okay to say, "I'm feeling really sad right now," and take some time to be sad, then get on with the routine. If the kids feel sad or off-balance, allow them the same. Â I remember that feeling, that everything was so off-kilter that it was hard to know what to do next. I'll add my voice to the chorus: It will get better, so much better. It just takes time. I look back at my old life (so long ago!) and it feels like another life altogether. This new life I've built feels so much more authentic. Someone mentioned eventually finding the light at the end of the tunnel...you can just follow our virtual voices through that tunnel until you see that light at the end. You can do this, and life will be better. Â Â I wholeheartedly agree with this. Show your kids the healthy way to express their emotions, and cry when you need. Let yourself have some alone time, but not too much. Â It does get better, and it really does just take time. There's no quick fix for the emotional aspect of it all. DD1's dad left me to move in with his new girlfriend when DD1 was about 18 months old and I turned to absolute putty. I wasn't moving towards my goals (finishing school) as fast as I was before him leaving, but I wasn't going to let him take my goal away from me, and I did end up finishing in the time I wanted. Keeping focused on the important goals in life and maintaining those can keep you moving forward. I would say the more you know this is the best decision, the easier it is. Write down your reasons, and the goals to maintain, for those weak moments. Don't give in to drinking or other ways to artificially mask the emotions - it may create new problems. Â I pray you are doing as well as can be expected. Please update us. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 I hope your emotional state has improved since you posted. I don't know the story, but tensions seem to run higher around all holidays, especially when there is ongoing conflict. This could be temporary. You need to get the kids rounded up and let them help with cooking and cleaning, so you can have a good meal tomorrow and a tidy home. You will feel better once you work of some of the stress. It sounds crazy, but take deep breaths and release them when you start to feel overwhelmed. I'll keep your family in my prayers. :grouphug: Â It has been a long hard road for them. Julie has tried for a long time to hold it all together. In the end, no matter how hard it is now, this might be for the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 :grouphug: I hope you are doing okay this morning. Check in when you get a chance. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Julie, I'm thinking of you today, and praying for you and your children. Â :grouphug: Â Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DianeW88 Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 You've been on my mind today, Julie. I hope you're feeling a little better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted December 26, 2012 Author Share Posted December 26, 2012 Umm...still breathing in and out. Â Turns out that my dh's brothers suspected that something was going on with him, and planted gps on his pickup truck. They ended up finding him at "her" place. They also have seen a second cell phone hidden in various locations. They confronted him and told him to come clean with me and give up the other woman. After a length of time where it was apparent that he would not, they went to our pastor. From there, it snowballed without me ever knowing what was going on, and dh is before our spiritual council at church this very moment, answering to charges of knowingly and unrepentantly indulging in sin. He is still incomplete denial that there's anything more to confess. He is very repentant for seeing her, but is sticking with his explanation that he went there just that one time to apologize for his part in their inappropriate friendship. Completely denies a physical relationship, completely denies a secret cell phone, and denies being at her house at any other time than the time his brothers found him there. I found all of this out on Sunday. FWIW, I made dh show me where she lives, and took the opportunity to talk to both of them, giving her ample opportunity to crush me by admitting the affair, but she too adamantly denies any romantic involvement. Â This is not husband-bashing, I don't think, and it's not even a private matter, since once it reaches disciplinary action in our church, it becomes public. I just thought it would be fair to explain to all of you, who have been so kind and supportive of me, what had happened to cause such a change with me. Â I am numb, and what's really disgusting to me is how much I want to toss aside the evidence and believe him still. There really is no way that he could be telling the truth, and at the same time, he's got to be the absolute best liar I've ever seen. I can't discern any motive for him to continue the claims of innocence. His reputation is already not salvageable, and he's already lost pretty much everything else he's based his life upon. Even though I've tried to reassure him that whatever the truth is, we can try to work it out for the best of everyone involved (and that includes whatever path he'd like to take that would bring him happiness too), he's sticking with a path that will lose him everything, including communion in a church that I know he loves. I can't figure out what can be gained through the denial. Â Anyway, I hope this doesn't get the entire thread deleted, because I know the update can only be a good thing. I'm sick, and sorrowful, but still breathing in and out for now. Â Thanks, Julie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted December 26, 2012 Share Posted December 26, 2012 Julie, have you gotten the money secured? Do you have access and does he not? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in CA Posted December 26, 2012 Author Share Posted December 26, 2012 Julie, have you gotten the money secured? Do you have access and does he not? Because of the collapse of our business, there really isn't anything to secure. I do have a bit of cash put away on my own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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