Remudamom Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Let's talk about this. I just admitted in another post that my world revolves around my kids. I fully intend for it to do so until they don't need me anymore. I don't smother, I don't give them anything they want anytime, I've got my own thing/hobby. It's just that I don't have a problem being obsessed with raising my kids. Oldest is in college, and I let go of him. I don't weep daily that he isn't here, or refuse to function when he's gone. When he marries I'm not going to try to tell his wife how to cook/clean/work/play/breathe. I don't get it when people make comments like "you need your own life" or "it's not healthy for you to be so involved with your children". Phfft. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I think I'm much like you. My life absolutely revolves around my children and dh. I'm happy, content and at peace with it. I have my own interests, but my family is my no. 1 focus. But I don't smother them, either. When my oldest dd moved out, I helped her, never shed a tear, and wished her well. It's her life now. I don't interfere - much ;) - she's paying her own way. My other dd is getting married this summer and will be living in another state. Again, it's her life. I'm not planning her wedding for her (something I always promised myself not to do since my mom wanted to plan mine). She makes the choices, and I help where she wants my help. I think I'm a well balanced person. I never get it either when someone says I need my own life or I'm too involved with my kids. I'm fine, my kids are fine, thank you very much. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristusG Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I dont get it either. I love my kids, I devote majority of my time to them. I actually ENJOY being around them LOL....that's one reason why I homeschool. If this is what makes me happy, then I'm going to do it. In the grand scheme of things, these years fly by so quickly. I want to do it right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Punkinelly Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 My aim is to be that way, too. My life revolves around my kids, as it should. But as they get more and more independent, well, isn't that what they *should* be doing, becoming more independent? Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Way to go! You sound grounded as a person and like a committed mom. Sometimes I am the one telling my children, "I have my own life!" It's a joke... because I am here for them all the time. I want them to develop skills and be independent and capable, yet I am here, for the most part to tote them around and listen and be involved in each of their activities. It is exhausting, but they will grow up and I have these years just once. It's not like my kids are my whole life... but they are by far the biggest piece of the pie. I have slivers of pie that are my own... like sewing and photography. I think about a "job" outside of the home once in a while and I try to rest until the thought goes away. JK. I pretty much agree with your sentiments. Perhaps others with comments that we shouldn't be so involved... well, maybe they weren't able to be... My cousin said those things, but then when it came to raising her dd, even though she had a job she juggled with all her might to be at her own dd's activities. Yet, she would say about me that I couldn't be my own person because I didn't have an identity outside of home/raising my children because I didn't have a job. Even now she considers sahm's to not "have their own identity". I don't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Let's talk about this. I just admitted in another post that my world revolves around my kids. I fully intend for it to do so until they don't need me anymore. I don't smother, I don't give them anything they want anytime, I've got my own thing/hobby. It's just that I don't have a problem being obsessed with raising my kids. Oldest is in college, and I let go of him. I don't weep daily that he isn't here, or refuse to function when he's gone. When he marries I'm not going to try to tell his wife how to cook/clean/work/play/breathe. I don't get it when people make comments like "you need your own life" or "it's not healthy for you to be so involved with your children". Phfft. Isn't that the way it is supposed to be? I don't get it either. :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gretchen in NJ Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Let's talk about this. I just admitted in another post that my world revolves around my kids. I fully intend for it to do so until they don't need me anymore. I don't smother, I don't give them anything they want anytime, I've got my own thing/hobby. It's just that I don't have a problem being obsessed with raising my kids. Oldest is in college, and I let go of him. I don't weep daily that he isn't here, or refuse to function when he's gone. When he marries I'm not going to try to tell his wife how to cook/clean/work/play/breathe. I don't get it when people make comments like "you need your own life" or "it's not healthy for you to be so involved with your children". Phfft. Isn't that the way it is supposed to be? I don't get it either. :confused: :iagree: Isn't that why you have children? They are my life and I wouldn't have it anyother way.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I don't understand people who have kids if they don't want to raise them, or treat them as if they're accessories. When you have kids, they ARE your life until they're adults. Not that you can't have a hobby or outside interests, but really, when the kids come, selfishness has to go out the window for a good 18-20 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I am this way, fully focused on my kids, I don't have much in the way of hobbies right now, but that is not because I am excluding them for the kids, it is simply a matter of time right now, but I am happy with that. Many in my family however are different, they think focusing on your children rather than yourself is unhealthy. My sister for example, started leaving my nephew with babysitters at only 2 weeks old because she couldn't stand to be home with him all the time or take him with her, basically she wanted "me time". He just turned 8 months old this weekend, and all I have heard since he was born is how she can't wait to go back to work and how it will be good to have him in daycare where he will learn that she has her own life yada yada yada. It is a stance I simply do not understand. WHen I had to ut my kids in daycare out of neccesity, the guilt of it caused me a lot of physical health issues. I don't smother the kids, and mostly like being around them(I say mostly because when one of them is having a melt down etc I don't like it so much then), but I give them independence as they get bigger and while I am sure I will cry when they move out (I cried when ds scored the winning run in a baseball tournie too, I am just a crier), I will let them have that life without clinging to them kwim. I am of the belief that if you can't put your focus on your chldren more than yourself for the short time they are children then you shouldn't be having kids. I have 3/4 of my life time to focus on me, and such a short window of time to focus on my kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 We have found a happy balance between revolving around them and having our own lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Right now, while they are here, I'm focusing on my kids. I am secure in the knowledge that I will have opportunities to "live my own life" when they are done with me. In the meantime, I plan to be present for an enjoy this season of my life. On the other hand, I sent my daughter off to a residential early college program at age 12, and it didn't destroy me. I'm perfectly content for my kids to develop their own interests and lives. They are their own people, not extensions of me, and I'm proud of how coping and independent they are becoming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mo2 Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Let's talk about this. I just admitted in another post that my world revolves around my kids. I fully intend for it to do so until they don't need me anymore. I don't smother, I don't give them anything they want anytime, I've got my own thing/hobby. It's just that I don't have a problem being obsessed with raising my kids. Oldest is in college, and I let go of him. I don't weep daily that he isn't here, or refuse to function when he's gone. When he marries I'm not going to try to tell his wife how to cook/clean/work/play/breathe. I don't get it when people make comments like "you need your own life" or "it's not healthy for you to be so involved with your children". Phfft. I didn't read all the replies, but I'm with you. I will have plenty of time to pursue other interests when my kids are grown. Right now, my main interest is my children. And, to be perfectly honest, I think many parents these days have too much of their "own life," and the kids are getting shortchanged. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnetteB Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Me, too! My response to the early inquiries of, "What will you do when they are all grown-up?" I had five more dc and extended my job security :D My dmil says that I am "Cocooning" and that meets her need to label everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 My life has always revolved around my kids/family and I love it that way. My two oldest and grown and make their own decision without any advice from me or dh unless they ask for it. Having two grown, I realize how fast the time flies and I am so glad we had so much time together. All of my children are close to each other and I think it is because we spend so much time together as a family. My oldest ds moved out to live with friends at 20, and was back in 2 months - he missed the family. He is engaged and I don't expect him to move out until he marries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I don't get it either. the same people say I should have my "own life" from dh too.:confused: I do have a life. A life with kids and a husband and I'm quite happy with it, tyvm.:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I don't understand people who have kids if they don't want to raise them, or treat them as if they're accessories. When you have kids, they ARE your life until they're adults. Not that you can't have a hobby or outside interests, but really, when the kids come, selfishness has to go out the window for a good 18-20 years. This is perfectly stated. Kids are NOT an accessory although you would not know it if you watched many modern parents. The Bible says in John 15;13, "Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." Christ makes it clear that the ultimate expression of love is denial of self. I have no problem denying my own wants, desires and even needs, for my children. It is an honor and a privilege. The only thing I focus nearly as much attention on is my relationship with my husband and since my children NEED a healthy happy home and the example of a loving marriage relationship, it is for them also. As far as "finding myself" or having my own agenda in life, Christ also says in Mathew 16:35, ""For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CLHCO Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Ditto. Nothing more to say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Katia Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Let's talk about this. I just admitted in another post that my world revolves around my kids. I fully intend for it to do so until they don't need me anymore. I don't smother, I don't give them anything they want anytime, I've got my own thing/hobby. It's just that I don't have a problem being obsessed with raising my kids. Oldest is in college, and I let go of him. I don't weep daily that he isn't here, or refuse to function when he's gone. When he marries I'm not going to try to tell his wife how to cook/clean/work/play/breathe. I don't get it when people make comments like "you need your own life" or "it's not healthy for you to be so involved with your children". Phfft. Ahhh, it's so nice being in like-company. Refreshing. Yep, I feel the same way. I'm totally obsessive about raising and teaching my dc, but I was SO happy when ds went off to college....got his degree....moved into his own house....It was exactly what I'd been working toward! My family *is* my life. If they are happy, I am happy, no matter whether they are right by my side or not...they are always close in my heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 My husband and my daughters are my life, and I wouldn't change it for anything. That said, I do enjoy an occasional girls' night out. However, I would not enjoy a two week vacation without my kids! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Let's talk about this. I just admitted in another post that my world revolves around my kids. I fully intend for it to do so until they don't need me anymore. I don't smother, I don't give them anything they want anytime, I've got my own thing/hobby. It's just that I don't have a problem being obsessed with raising my kids. Oldest is in college, and I let go of him. I don't weep daily that he isn't here, or refuse to function when he's gone. When he marries I'm not going to try to tell his wife how to cook/clean/work/play/breathe. I don't get it when people make comments like "you need your own life" or "it's not healthy for you to be so involved with your children". Phfft. I think it comes from a fear of being one dimentional, that is, if you are devoted to your kids than you must be a bore, an empty shell of who you used to be. The only topic you can contribute to is nappy changing or something. There are enough women who fit this stereotype that give this "you need your own life" comment legs. Judging from your posts you do have your own life. If someone is saying that stuff to you, then they are just stupid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Yes, it IS possible to be totally devoted to their discipleship, apprenticeship, growing, learning, and loving--to consider this the focus of my existence right now--without it being unhealthy, grasping, co-dependent, or smothering. Yes, I have my hobbies. Yes, I even have dreams for when they are adults and are responsible for themselves. For now, though, YES, I lay down my life every day for my children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dayle in Guatemala Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I agree! You only get one chance at this parenting thing with each child. I enjoy it and plan on enjoying it for some time to come! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Life has many seasons. I wish time would slow down and I could keep my kids this age for a little while longer. I've learned so much being a mom. I've been in positions to teach not just my kids but other kids. Public speaking is more natural for me now due to all the leadership roles I've taken reluctantly because no one else wanted to step up. At times, this has been the hardest job I ever had. I admit I'll miss it and I don't want it to zoom past. Seeing who my kids are becoming has made it so very worth it and I have made sacrifices, but those sacrifices grew me. I don't think staying home and homeschooling has to be limiting to a mom's personality. I think when my kids are adults I'll be that much stronger and smarter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anewday Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Let's talk about this. I just admitted in another post that my world revolves around my kids. I fully intend for it to do so until they don't need me anymore. I don't smother, I don't give them anything they want anytime, I've got my own thing/hobby. It's just that I don't have a problem being obsessed with raising my kids. Oldest is in college, and I let go of him. I don't weep daily that he isn't here, or refuse to function when he's gone. When he marries I'm not going to try to tell his wife how to cook/clean/work/play/breathe. I don't get it when people make comments like "you need your own life" or "it's not healthy for you to be so involved with your children". Phfft. :thumbup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mekanamom Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Let's talk about this. I just admitted in another post that my world revolves around my kids. I fully intend for it to do so until they don't need me anymore. I don't smother, I don't give them anything they want anytime, I've got my own thing/hobby. It's just that I don't have a problem being obsessed with raising my kids. Oldest is in college, and I let go of him. I don't weep daily that he isn't here, or refuse to function when he's gone. When he marries I'm not going to try to tell his wife how to cook/clean/work/play/breathe. I don't get it when people make comments like "you need your own life" or "it's not healthy for you to be so involved with your children". Phfft. The only person who's actually said that to me was a person who was also constantly bemoaning the fact that she didn't spend enough time with her kids as they grew up. RM, you strike me as a very balanced person! A mom can be VERY involved with her kids without being OVERinvolved. The point is that you are sensitive to your kids' needs! You're there when they need you and you let go when they need to be on their own. I don't get it either if someone else says that's somehow unhealthy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 This reminds me of when my youngest was a newborn. We were part of a church plant that was primarily singles and young families. 2 of the ladies were having their first babies in short time and they were very focussed on "not losing themselves.". There was much conversation between the single girls and the moms to be over this, most of which received eye rolls from the few of us moms who already had a couple. So they had their babies and I had ours. They bottle fed and I breastfed. This last child of mine happened to be the only one of my four that thoroughly regected taking any type of bottle. So for a year, where I went, she went. Oh, but she was my last baby and it didn't bother me a bit. I savored that time with her. But those new moms just didn't get it. Especially when I turned down a free concert that all the ladies were going to. They just couldn't imagine why I wouldn't leave the kids for the night. They thought I didn't have a life. All because my littlest just didn't want that bottle, and her mama didn't want her to starve for 6 hours. It's a good thing that the disapproval of others has never bothered me much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl in NM Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 My good friend's grandmother used to say that she only had about 20 years with her kids; that left 50 or 60 for her so she didn't mind that the 20 years revolved around her kids. This is a good thing to remember when I'm feeling stressed and impatient. This will all be gone so soon! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firefly Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Parenting involves sacrifice... which I am freely willing to give. The problem is many parents today feel "entitled" to do what comes first for them personally, and unfortunately kids suffer. Sure, I think it is absolutely possible to have time for yourself or hobbies and still have DC/family be top priority. But I see time and time again parents who put their hobbies first and subsequently unhappy children who sense they are not #1 in their parent's lives. Time goes so quickly. Now is my time to be Mom, and I know I will look back on these years as the best of my life. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicole M Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I think it comes from a fear of being one dimentional, that is, if you are devoted to your kids than you must be a bore, an empty shell of who you used to be. The only topic you can contribute to is nappy changing or something. There are enough women who fit this stereotype that give this "you need your own life" comment legs. Judging from your posts you do have your own life. If someone is saying that stuff to you, then they are just stupid. I completely agree. If people are saying this to you, they're idiots. On the other hand, there are women who are so fused with their children, their core, their center, is just off and they lose it when their kids go to college. I've witnessed it, and it isn't pretty. I'd be willing to wager that these women are in the minority, however. I think of these comments (you need a life) as somewhat like the socialization comments. People are talking out of their a@@es because it's something to say, not because they've actually thought about it and the words have, you know, meaning for them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 This reminds me of when my youngest was a newborn. We were part of a church plant that was primarily singles and young families. 2 of the ladies were having their first babies in short time and they were very focussed on "not losing themselves.". There was much conversation between the single girls and the moms to be over this, most of which received eye rolls from the few of us moms who already had a couple. So they had their babies and I had ours. They bottle fed and I breastfed. This last child of mine happened to be the only one of my four that thoroughly regected taking any type of bottle. So for a year, where I went, she went. Oh, but she was my last baby and it didn't bother me a bit. I savored that time with her. But those new moms just didn't get it. Especially when I turned down a free concert that all the ladies were going to. They just couldn't imagine why I wouldn't leave the kids for the night. They thought I didn't have a life. All because my littlest just didn't want that bottle, and her mama didn't want her to starve for 6 hours. It's a good thing that the disapproval of others has never bothered me much. You're a good mama. YOU get it. I have always said that mothers with the mindset you are describing simply don't know what they are missing - and because of their choices, they never will. The rewards for sacrificial, attachment mothering are far more wonderful then any "finding myself" or "keeping my independance" could ever be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I don't have time to read all of the replies because I'm supposed to be packing and cleaning the horse trailer. I just wanted to say that both Dh and I both have lives that revolve around the kids. When we were engaged, people would always tell us to "put our marriage first". We would tell them that we fully intended to put our kids first, and we have. Don't get me wrong, we love it when we have a tiny kid-free moment to watch a movie together or talk, but Dh says, "I don't regret one dime or one second I've spent on my kids, and I feel the exact same way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamagina7 Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I wonder what women would have said if you would have asked them this question 100, 200, or 1,000 ...shall I go on...years ago???It is only in our "new and progressive" society that we have become enlightened enough to realize we need "our own life"! And as I look around I see that as human beings we are slidding downward so quickly we can't stop ourselves from becoming complete savages...it appears easy to connect the dots. There is much more to it than what I have simply stated, but moms let us beware of what we are listening to, watching and reading. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 so I can't read all the replies now, someone else may have made a similar point already.... Anyway, I do agree with you that I am devoted to the kids, to raising and teaching them, and that I am tired of the numerous times I've been questioned about "me time" or what I do "for fun." I do what I do because it gives me peace, even if I don't get to chase down a bunch of extra hobbies or lunch with girlfriends. That said, as my kids (daughter, especially) have gotten older, it has been good for them to see that there are things that interest me aside from teaching them lessons and cleaning the house. My own forays into painting and fiction writing have spurred dd on to creativity. It has given a broader base for non-academic discussions at the dinner table. So I see a value in letting them know what I'm all about. But I find my own time to indulge in these interests only within the crevices of time that are left over from giving the kids my first and best. One day, when they are gone, I will be found on a breezy hillside with an easel and box of oil paints. But not til then. Also, I have a couple of old aprons, and a notebook I use for collecting recipes and notes about whose favorite they are. When dsons get married, one wedding gift to the bride will be a collection of that son's favorite eats (with the promise that I'll never interrogate her on whether or not she actually uses any of them), and the strings, cut from my old apron. I've made it a habit to wear these aprons in the kitchen so my sons will see them often, remember them, and understand the significance of that gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey in TX Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 that my world revolves around my kids. I fully intend for it to do so until they don't need me anymore. I don't get it when people make comments like "you need your own life" or "it's not healthy for you to be so involved with your children". Phfft. Wow, a mom who enjoys and embraces motherhood. Whodathunkit? I find this board refreshing for that very reason. It's full of moms who want to be with their children while they're still at home. This isn't the prevailing attitude any longer. Typically once tikes are ready for MDO, mom is supermom--shopping, lunching, working, pawning kids off to the nanny/day care provider. Y'all are bucking the system! :lol: And then you really ruin the bell curve by homeschooling your little cherubs. Sheesh! (jk, really) I wanted to be a mom more than anything. This is a short phase of life, just like the dating, engaged, newlywed stages that I so enjoyed. Eventually I will lead my "own life" (as if I'm held hostage now by my children??), and embrace being a grandparent. We're in such a ME society that it's baffling to those who watch others who don't focus solely on themselves. Good timing, RE-mom, as it's been 'one of those days' and I needed reminding of how much I love and enjoy my stinkpots. :banghead: Really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Right there with ya, lady. This is the one I like- "Well you're with your kids all day and night. You have to need a break. Call me if you need a break." or "I don't know how you do the shopping/cleaning/cooking with the boys around all day." I only have 2. I love being with them. They are part of my day and I like my life thank you very much. :o) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I've been think a lot about this lately I completely agree with you. I love MY life. My life include my wonderful dh and dc. I love teaching my kids. I love shuttling them to various practices. I enjoy watching these practices. I love cooking for them. I love reading to them. I love being a mom. I can't imagine my life any other way. Yes, I get tired and want 3 minutes when no one, including dh, is touching my or saying my name. I take my break and go on. Yes, I know that I have to take care of myself if I want to have any business taking care of my people, but me taking care of myself rarely included leaving my kids all day for days at a time. Someone mentioned she couldn't understand people having children if they didn't want to raise them. I wonder about that as well. I was still in the Navy when I had dd. I had to go back to work when she was 6 weeks old. I was completely miserable the whole time I had to work. I missed her so much. I always went straight home after work and spent as much time with her as possible. I just don't see how some women work all day, have outside activities, and raise a family. Something's gotta give, and often it is family time. So yes, I'm "just a mom", but I love it. It's ok to be just a mom. I have 16 years and 2 1/2 months left of being just a mom. I will enjoy every last moment of that time. But when they leave, it's party time for mommy and daddy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Like a breath of fresh air, this is... :001_smile: I'll just say, me too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 It's not a matter of not having our own lives, it's that we're currently travelling down the road of life with our family. At the moment, we need to be travelling within hand holding distance. Later when they've grown some more we can wander off a bit, just staying within earshot. When they're fully grown, we nick off altogether as long as we exchange contact numbers so we can find each other again. Maybe those people who criticise think we are staring at our kids every minute of every day, but we all know you can have hold of a kid's hand and still get other things done. They just get done slowly :D Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 I disagree. I think our culture (beyond homeschoolers) has become child *centric* to the point of absurdity and detriment. The amount of products, events, media focus and programs designed for children and consumed by families speak to children as a focus; and I don't believe that's the design. Mind you, before you read further, I was an attachment parent to my babies/toddlers. I homeschooled from the beginning. I've designed my post divorce and remarried life so I can still be with my kids homeschooling and have accepted WOH jobs that include my kids. I am not suggesting an arbitrary, scripted, contrived "get away from your kids" time or "couch time" or "date night" or "adult only" vacations. I *am* saying that I believe the uber focus on infants, toddlers, children and teens in terms of entertainment, supplies, actitivities, etc is not serving familes, individuals or those kids ultimately. I believe in *family centeredness*, not child centeredness. I've seen "being with my family" elevated to a idol status and a competition develop over who leaves their kids least, who loves being with them most. I believe, instead, in a lot of "parallel" time. That's how I see a lot of The Little House books. The girls were with Ma and Pa often, but they were rarely Ma and Pa's *focus*. They learned, were taught, were admonished, trained, disciplined. The children, however, were in a healthy role in the family. I'll say it; MY TIME is AS important as COUPLE TIME or FAMILY TIME. I believe that the younger the child, the greater physical need for mom. I believe it's obvious that young kids need constant supervision, even if it's simply peripheral as the parent does adult stuff. That's were this is a season of life comes in and I do not regret my choices to limit other care of my young children, to have helded, rocked, nursed on cue, slept with and been around my babies. I do not regret my decision to homeschool or the lengths I've gone to do it. I *do* regret that I did not develop couple and individual time. I don't think that served me, my former marriage or my kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonshine Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 mine were little. Well, actually, I still don't go. However, when they were little ( I have 8 close together so that stage lasted awhile) a certain lady at my church, who seemed to know what was best for a lot of people, would ask me every year to go on the ladies' retreat and tell me there was a scholarship available for me. I would tell her that I could afford to pay for the retreat if I wanted to go, but that I didn't want to be away from my children for that long. She always had this look on her face that she seemed to think something was wrong with me. I honestly wouldn't have missed my children that much, but I know a long weekend is a long time for a baby or toddler to cry for their mother. My husband would have gladly taken care of everyone, but at that age, my children preferred me. That was a season in life, and going away for a few days without kids, which I have recently done, isn't a problem now. I wasn't reluctant to be away from them because I couldn't live apart from them for a few days, but because I wanted to be a good mother to them. Sometimes people equate trying to be a good mother and putting out children first (I mean this is a very general way) as our being so emotionally needy that we don't have a life when we aren't focusing on them. I didn't worry about it and still enjoy a good laugh when I picture her face trying to take in my response. Of course, she never married or had childern so maybe she really wasn't able to get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 . I think our culture (beyond homeschoolers) has become child *centric* to the point of absurdity and detriment. The amount of products, events, media focus and programs designed for children and consumed by families speak to children as a focus; and I don't believe that's the design. I just don't agree with this. I think a lot of what you're talking about are things that give guilt ridden parents something to throw at their children to make themselves feel better about not having a real relationship with them. This may give our society the APEARANCE of "child-centric" ness, but I don't think it is a true reflection of that at all. In ALL walks of life and socio-economic levels, children are often the last priority, from the neglected / abused rural or inner city child, to the suburban teen w/ his own credit card, whose parents have no idea what is going on in his life. These aren't just stereotypes. This is real life and kids everywhere are NOT getting their spiritual or emotional needs met and often worse.... I just don't see a whole bunch of parents ACTUALLY giving up much of anything for their kids, let alone extra cars, big houses or high pressure jobs so that they can spend more time with them and really "parent" them. Now THAT would be "child-centric" and it would be fantastic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 I just don't agree with this. I think a lot of what you're talking about are things that give guilt ridden parents something to throw at their children to make themselves feel better about not having a real relationship with them. This may give our society the APEARANCE of "child-centric" ness, but I don't think it is a true reflection of that at all. In ALL walks of life and socio-economic levels, children are often the last priority, from the neglected / abused rural or inner city child, to the suburban teen w/ his own credit card, whose parents have no idea what is going on in his life. These aren't just stereotypes. This is real life and kids everywhere are NOT getting their spiritual or emotional needs met and often worse.... I just don't see a whole bunch of parents ACTUALLY giving up much of anything for their kids, let alone extra cars, big houses or high pressure jobs so that they can spend more time with them and really "parent" them. Now THAT would be "child-centric" and it would be fantastic. My experience in a suburb of Houston is different. In all settings I've experienced and observed: Church Owning a daycare Running a before/after school program at a local elementary school (twice) 18 years in AA..... I have found most parents to be adequate at minimum and in most cases, well beyond that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LilyK Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 Well, I come from a culture where once you have your first child, your friends and family no longer call you by your name. Instead, you are "Tommy's mom", or "Betty's mom". Therefore, I have no problem with your kids being the center of your life. More power to ya! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alpidarkomama Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 I'm giddy with happiness. There are others out there!!! Every moment of my life is about the kids and husband and house and I LOVE IT. I'm also pretty sure I'll be beaming when the test their own wings in the world out there. This life is rich and wonderful. I also really don't get it when friends say, "But don't you need a break from the kids? Or the husband? Don't you want a life of your own?" HUH? I do have a life of my own. Very much my own. :) I've definitely drifted from the friends who have an attitude more like this. What a life. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 We live in a society, a culture, that expects us to live for ourselves, to be selfish and self centred- it the "me" culture. It's all about fulfilling ourselves. Not that doing what you want to do is necessarily selfish, or that its wrong to fulfill oneself- but it is confrontative and just wierd for many people to think anyone could want to devote their lives to someone else's welfare. I mean, what sort of image does a SAH homeschooling mum present? It's a threat to the structure of our society, really. The reason I parent as I do, is because I dont want to look back with regret- or as little as possible. So what if I had a great career- if I neglected to be the absolute best mother I could be, I would feel regret. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 I love being with my family. I'm one of those "if I didn't want to raise them, and be with them, I wouldn't have had them" people. Someone gave me wonderful advice years ago to "raise your children to be the kind of kids you want to be with". It was wonderful advice and I do want to be with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 (edited) I don't get it when people make comments like "you need your own life" or "it's not healthy for you to be so involved with your children". Phfft. Don't know... I don't get that either. I have work outside the home, but I'm always thinking about ds. I still work from home for most of my work, and I'm always thinking about ds. Yeah.... pretty much everything I do, I do in thought of him. Obsessed? By whose definition? Not mine. To me, being a parent is not about what's in it for me, it's all about the child(ren). If I didn't agree to that, I wouldn't have ever had a child to begin with. When people say stuff like "you need your own life," my first thought is that they must need to get THEIR own life and get out of mine. I had my "me" time before I was married, and I presume I'll have more "me" time when ds is grown and gone. Right here, right now, I am his mom. That's my primary role. I'm fine with that. I even -- dare I say it? -- love it. If someone else doesn't like that, it's their problem, not mine. Edited March 3, 2009 by Audrey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 :iagree: I'm following in my mom's footsteps. We were her priority while we were kids and I love that she was such an awesome mom. She is and always was an amazing person;). Let's talk about this. I just admitted in another post that my world revolves around my kids. I fully intend for it to do so until they don't need me anymore. I don't smother, I don't give them anything they want anytime, I've got my own thing/hobby. It's just that I don't have a problem being obsessed with raising my kids. Oldest is in college, and I let go of him. I don't weep daily that he isn't here, or refuse to function when he's gone. When he marries I'm not going to try to tell his wife how to cook/clean/work/play/breathe. I don't get it when people make comments like "you need your own life" or "it's not healthy for you to be so involved with your children". Phfft. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 When people say stuff like "you need your own life," my first thought is that they must need to get THEIR own life and get out of mine. Lol, that's a good way of putting it. :) Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted March 3, 2009 Share Posted March 3, 2009 In the other thread, someone noted that the world doesn't revolve around her children. While my world does revolve around my children (though I wouldn't express it in those terms), I think it's important for them to understand that difference: "the world" versus "my world". And to further recognize that their import in my life, their centrality to my existence, doesn't negate my interest in or ability to pursue things that aren't directly related to my role as a mother. Like Joanne, I tend to think our culture is in some respects too child-centric, too youth-oriented. Case in point, imo, are all the parents chauffering kids to this, that, and the other activity while pursuing no activities of their own. Parents spending volumes of time and money for their children to play sports ~ who haven't done any sports or exercise since they were themselves in school. I actually see it as merely an extension of a self-centered society. As far as the comments, e.g. "You need to get your own life", I've never heard such a thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.