s/o Text/other communication between parents of dating couple

[marbel]

Convoluted subject line, I know. This is a spin-off of the thread about texts between the mothers of a dating couple.  It got me curious. 

One of my kids has been dating someone for 7 years. I've met the parents several times, but we have never communicated outside those meetings. For that matter, I have never communicated with my kid's SO except in person. I like them (a lot, I hope they get married) but... it's just never come up that we text or communicate except in person. My other kid dated someone for 3 years, same thing, except in that case I never met the parents at all.

I don't think there's anything right or wrong either way, but I'm curious now; do most people have a phone/texting/social media relationship with the parents of their kids' significant others? How does that even begin? (That last sentence may have sounded hostile; if so, it's not meant to. I'm genuinely curious about this.)

ETA: My experience has been college age and above. I'm sure that changes things. Thanks @teachermom2834 for making me think of that. I wasn't thinking about high school at all! (Even though one of mine started in high school, they met up in public places via train for 2 years so there was no need.)

Edited November 27, 2023 by marbel

[teachermom2834]

I have with my high school kids. Some more than others but I try to keep it as distant as possible because so far all my high schoolers have eventually broken up. It’s easier if you aren’t besties with the mom. But I have had reasons to want to at least have a contact number in some cases. Another time I had the other mom text me a pic before a dance or something like that or I’ve texted a thank you for a ride or something extra. Things have come up with my high schoolers that have warranted a quick exchange. We got roped into more sometimes (dinner, etc) and I always regretted that.

Once my kids have gone to college I have not had any communication unless we incidentally were in the same place at the same time. Then we visited but then parted ways without contact info. 

[rebcoola]

My oldest is 17 her boyfriend is 19 and we have met his parents.  We don't text like even when they extended an invitation to their large Halloween party it came through the kids. We do have their number because boyfriend went on a roadtrip with us and it just seemed smart to have emergency contact info.

[Pam in CT]

I had mom contact numbers for the (few) high school relationships that added up. I initiated cheerfully around some small logistic matter that amounted to a ruse (hi {E's date's mom}, this Pam, E's mom- just letting you know that I'll be picking the kids up from the movies at 10:30, should have your kid back before 11, will LYK if anything comes up).  Just so we had each other's contacts. No contact unless there was, in fact, some logistic reason to communicate.

Not for casual college relationships.  Once a relationship has gelled enough for us to include the date on family vacations and etc, I do sort of seek out / create an opportunity to meet the parents.  That's only happened a handful of times thus far, and the best of the parent sets ended up being the parents of the young man my eldest recently married.

[cjzimmer1]

I have to say I was surprised by that as well.  I only have one child who had dated (and is now married) but I have no contact info for the IL's parents.  It actually was an issue during one of DS's visits to IL when DS's flight home was changed to several hours earlier and he wasn't answering his phone. But even after that, I still don't have the numbers.  I know my mom and MIL have never spoken outside of events involving both sides.  I'm not even sure my mom could tell you my MIL's last name since she has a different one than DH so even in an emergency, I don't think my parents could contact her.

I think it would be so weird to be contacted by the mother of someone my kid was dating especially about such casual things.

[freesia]

Well…my ds has a “best friend “ at college and for reasons I don’t know, he started texting her mom and brother and then she asked for his sister and then last week my number and she texted me. So that’s how it started in my house just recently. But they aren’t officially dating even though they clearly like each other a lot. I have no idea the story there and I am staying out if it. 
 

My bff is all in on contacting the mothers of the kids her kids date. It’s like a matter of principle for her and she feels it’s important. It wouldn’t occur to me to do that until there was an engagement. 

Edited November 27, 2023 by freesia

[Shelydon]

I have an engaged DD.  I have both her SO contact info and his parents.  I text his parents weekly about wedding stuff right now. It would be weird not to have their contact info at all.

[Kassia]

I don't have a relationship with the parents of anyone my adult kids are involved with.  I have been in contact with a couple of them, though.  For example, I asked one mom for her daughter's ring size when she finished grad school because I wanted to give her a ring as a gift and I also asked for her dd's favorite scents at Bath and Body Works.   Another mom sends us Christmas treats every year when ds and her dd come to visit so I always send a thank you email.  But other than that, no contact and these girls have been with our sons for many years.  Oh, we did have dinner with one set of parents when we went to their dd's graduation - we all went together with both sets of parents, their dd and our ds.  

So I do have contact info, but not any kind of relationship if that makes sense.  

Edited November 27, 2023 by Kassia

[Pam in CT]

Actual in laws are to my mind quite different. THEN, yeah, direct communications (unless they're wackadoodle or otherwise difficult).  I speak or text to my husband's sister several times a week -- probably more frequently than he does. For decades (before my father and my husband's mother both died), my parents and my husband's parents would see / visit each other without our being there (mine lived in the town where my FIL went to college, so they'd go up for various events; my in laws lived in NYC so mine would stay there when down to visit us or my brother).  We had several "summits" with the parents of my now-son-in-law throughout the wedding planning process; we texted them Thanksgiving Day wishes.  And the SIL himself is on the Family Group Chat.  I've been texting to him directly throughout the day today working up logistics to mark my daughter's birthday.

[Frances]

While we met the parents of both individuals my son seriously dated and had occasional meals with them and the couple because our children wanted it to happen, we never texted until my son was engaged and we were trying to help with some wedding stuff. The wedding was at the other parent’s property, so we sort of needed to know some things. We’ve very occasionally text to invite them to something, but mainly my son and his spouse just act as the go between and relay invites between the parents because they are always included also. We don’t do things socially with just the parents and don’t text casually with them.

We are going to be joining our SIL’s family at a winter resort for a four day vacation over the new year, but all of the plans have been handled through our children. There’s basically just an understanding that the other set of parents is always welcome at any family event, but our children are the ones that let us know the details of day, time, etc. And thankfully, they are also the ones that let us know which events are really important for us to try and attend. My SIL has a very large, very social family while we have no family here except him and our son. So honestly almost our entire social calendar could be filled if we went to every family event for his family. It’s nice to be able to discuss the invites and then respond accordingly.

So I would say all of our contact with the parents of our son’s SOs has been because it has been what he and the people he was seriously dating wanted and initiated. They wanted us to meet and get to know each other once they became serious, just as they each wanted to get to know the other set of parents.

Now our SIL is a different story. We text, chat, FaceTime, etc just as much with him as with our son. We have numerous text threads going on all of the time between each grouping of two, three, and all four of us.

Edited November 27, 2023 by Frances

[kathyl]

nm

Edited Thursday at 12:27 AM by kathyl

[TexasProud]

This has been the ONLY relationship it has ever happened.  This relationship is 5 months old.  

My daughter dated several people in high school.  None.

Oldest dated one girl seriously...now that mom is my best friend, but the relationship didn't work out. Long time ago. He has been dating this girl for a year now and it is super serious. He is 26, so that is appropriate. His girlfriend and I occasionally message each other about a Facebook or Instagram post. Very light. Very casual. I've met her parents, but we don't text.

That was part of the reason I posted.  I didn't know if I was just behind the times or not.  This situation has felt very strange to me. 

[whitestavern]

I communicate via text with both my daughter’s bf and his mother. We all met at a dinner halfway between where we live (about 3 hours apart) a few years ago. D is 23 and has been dating him for 4 years. They spent the past two Thanksgiving’s with us (they stayed at a hotel but joined us for dinner and breakfast the following am). I think circumstances might be different if it were my son and gf. 

Edited November 27, 2023 by whitestavern

[alisoncooks]

My dd(17) has a long-distance significant other. When he  recently stayed with us for a week, I communicated with his mother via text and social media. Mostly travel info (flight times, etc) but I also sent some pictures of the kids and other little updates about the visit. 

[footballmom]

Oldest in college - yes, I have the other mom’s number and we text with purpose like if they are tailgating with us and what can they bring etc. Otherwise, the couple handles logistics and communication between the families. FWIW, we like the parents and my child’s SO is very happy we get along bc they have seen some doozies for couple parent dynamics.

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, alisoncooks said:

I communicated with his mother via text and social media. Mostly travel info (flight times, etc) but I also sent some pictures of the kids and other little updates about the visit. 

 I would LOVE this if I were on the receiving end.  What a thoughtful thing to do.  

[JennyD]

DS18 is dating -- long distance -- the daughter of people we've known for years.   (The kids played together as toddlers and then reconnected as teens.)  The mom and I communicate over texts about visits, mostly, but DH is also in occasional professional contact with the dad.

 

53 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

Actual in laws are to my mind quite different. THEN, yeah, direct communications (unless they're wackadoodle or otherwise difficult).  .....For decades (before my father and my husband's mother both died), my parents and my husband's parents would see / visit each other without our being there

My parents and ILs also used to get together without us after we moved away and they  were all still within driving distance.  Now that my parents have moved to be close to us, my mom and MIL talk on the phone several times a week.  

 

Edited November 27, 2023 by JennyD

[SKL]

My kid who is dating, and her boyfriend, are still minors in high school.  They started dating before they could drive, and they live in different states, so it has never been a question whether or not I am in contact with his mom.

That said, I do try to let the youngsters handle all communications between each other and their respective parents, except that there will be some brief texting to confirm final travel plans.  This was needed because once, my kid used poor communication to manipulate me, and boyfriend's mom found out I was ticked.  Hopefully lessons were learned.

I like the boyfriend's mom.  She has very different opinions from me, at least in some ways, but I personally don't have a problem with that.  If she has a problem with my opinions, she has been diplomatic about it.  😛  Wouldn't say we are best friends or anything.  We haven't done much together.  But if the kids decide to get married someday, I think we'll get along well enough.

[Garga]

My guys haven’t dated anyone yet, but I sure hope I don’t have to text their date’s parents. I wouldn’t like that.

Edited November 27, 2023 by Garga

[SKL]

FTR I never even met the parents of most of the guys I dated.  😛

[Faith-manor]

None of my kids dated in high school. So they developed relationships later as adults, and I respected boundaries. If someone wanted me to have contact info, they gave it to me. I never asked.

I have a son in law whom I have a warm relationship with, but we don't really text, and I have no contact information for them. We met at the rehearsal dinner, wedding next day, and have not seen each other since. Same for daughter in law whom I am very close with.

My in laws had no relationship with my folks. They did not exchange phone numbers. But, when mother in law became a widow and moved here about 16 years ago, she and my mom did become friends.

[Wheres Toto]

My mother and MIL only ever had direct contact with each other through Facebook.   They would never text or call each other directly.

I haven't met the parents of any of my oldest dd's boyfriends.   Not in high school and not since.   I've met all her boyfriends and a sibling or two, but not the parents.   I expect if she were to marry one of them, I would have some contact around wedding planning but wouldn't expect anything more than that. 

[BusyMom5]

I can hardly believe I have a kid old enough to apply this question to!  My college DD has a BF.  I do have his mom's phone number and we do occasionally text.  She's been sending me pics from TG week ;)  I don't have his number, but he has mine.  I don't intend to text either of them a lot,  but it's nice to have their contact info!  I also have contact info for some of her roommates, one I text occasionally.   

[katilac]

I knew the mom of everyone my oldest dated in high school, and we were already on a texting basis. 

My youngest, I didn't know the mom and never exchanged info. 

College, didn't know any of the parents for either one of them, and didn't speak to them or exchange info. 

I will confess to looking up one set of parents on social media, just to see if I could figure out how deep the crazy ran. 

[SHP]

I don't believe my children exist to expand my social circle so I don't ask for it. And yes, this is a thing among some people I know. I find the mentality unsettling. 

For those I have been given, I don't communicate socially with them. I am not against a friendly conversation and of course if an emergency happens, l will respond as appropriate, but I do not look at them as people I expect to be my new BFF. If, after time and natural encounters, a friendship naturally emerges then I am OK with it. 

I have been invited to join the discord group and play online games with one's special friend. I don't play often, just when invited. I don't view the invite as an open invitation to be there all the time. 

[theelfqueen]

I have texted my DIL's parents a handful of times when scheduling events where both of us are expected. Also i texted her parents once when she was stung by a bee and was being transported to the ER, because DS asked me to. I exchange Christmas cards with them. Um that's it. 

My brother has like Thanksgiving dinner with his son's fiancee's parents. I find that totally weird.

I am friendly with ILs when we find ourselves at shared events but we're not like friends. 

I actually had a conversation with my youngest about the thing with my brother and concluded - like if you started dating my best friend's daughter (who he has known like his whole life and who he was horrified at the suggestion that this was possible) then we'd still be best friends and spend time together but that is the only way I can imagine having that kind of relationship.  But I'm a sort of antisocial introvert. 

Edited November 27, 2023 by theelfqueen

[Bootsie]

My kids are in their 20s (and not married), and I have never texted the parents of anyone they have dated.  Oh, I take that back--DD had a BFF in high school and then during the first year of college the BFF dated DS for a period of time.  I had texted the mom a few times regarding school activities while our daughters were in high school; I don't recall ever texting her while her daughter was dating my son.  

 

[TravelingChris]

I have three married kids.  I do not have texting with any of their in laws.  Not Facebook friends either.  Don;t know much about ddil's family except parts are in Louisiana nd parts in FL.  DD1 has been married the longest.  I have met a number of members of her family..  But I am not in contact with any.  DD2 has in-laws in AL but not near us.  In a small town near the GA border. I haven't met any of them.

[marbel]

I can see where there are situations that call for communication among the sets of parents. I wasn't thinking of high schoolers. And I can imagine once engaged and married there might be more need/desire to communicate. And of course it can be nice if a friendship develops.

I have known families that blended together for holidays, which could be great if everyone gets along and it is convenient.

I'm not planning making any changes in my (lack of) communication with the current not-inlaws in my life. 🙂 

[Carrie12345]

At high school age, my kids mostly dated kids with parents I already knew, so that was nice.

One of my young adults hasn’t had any super long relationships yet, but we were starting to plan a get together with the other family just before one relationship ended. Current relationship is inching toward a year, and we’ll probably plan something after the holidays. My schedule is just too crazy right now.

If we really hit it off, I think it’d be great to communicate as friends in our own right. If not, that’s cool, too. But I don’t envision communicating JUST because our kids are together.

My parents’ parents got along fine at family gatherings, but they weren’t friends themselves. My parents and dh’s parents never communicated other than having a family dinner once and being at our wedding. They did see my high school boyfriend’s parents somewhat frequently, but we lived around the corner from each other.

Anyway, new friends are welcome, but I’m not actively searching. 

[regentrude]

My kids both have been in long (7 year) relationships.
I met the parents of DD's bf once, at the college graduation (they are from another state). I like them very much and we share a strong common interest. We have exchanged books for Christmas a few times. Beyond that, we do not communicate since it just doesn't come up.
I have met the parents of DS' gf once, casually. They live in the same town, but we have absolutely nothing in common. Her mom follows me on fb.

My parents met my inlaws for the first time at our wedding. We had been together for six years and lived in the same city, but the occasion never arose. After we got married, they got together once a year. 

Edited November 27, 2023 by regentrude

[kirstenhill]

I exchanged phone numbers with my DD's prom date's mom when she was a senior.   Mostly to exchange pictures and just as a contact "just in case." .   They weren't really dating though - just good friends.  I would probably be weirded out now that she's in college to exchange numbers with a boyfriend's parents unless they were engaged or close to it.  It feels like that would be odd, given they would be adults in the relationship. 

I guess the only time it might make sense is if we were doing something like coordinating travel plans...but even then I would expect my DD to coordinate.  (I was just thinking of Thanksgiving break where she got a ride home from a mom and her son who used to be our neighbors...the mom reached out to me to offer DD a ride home, as she was making the three-hour-each-way drive anyway, so we did some coordinating ahead before I passed along DDs number to the mom...but that situation arose more because the mom and I used to be somewhat close when we were neighbors...again, it is different if someone were a stranger to me!).

[stephanier.1765]

I have 3 sons and I text more often with their SO's than with them. LOL My guys aren't really the chatty text type. It's just to pass along information or to ask questions. The girls, on the other hand, will text for no reason, such as passing along something they thought was funny, stupid, or unbelievable. They send pictures and links to things they think I will like. I think this has helped me get to know them better and, surprisingly, it was all 3 of them that started the chatty texts with me. I'm more of a pass along information or ask questions texter like my sons, but, for the girls, I've became a chatty texter in return.

[EKS]

My older son has had two significant relationships.  I have never communicated with the parents of either woman, though for some reason I did have the contact information of the first one (I think it was because of a Europe trip).  I am/was Facebook friends with both women at their request, and I respond/responded appropriately to their posts on there.

[WildflowerMom]

I haven’t met ds22’s gf’s mom yet, but have met her dad and brother.  Obviously, I’m not texting them, lol.   They live 1.5 hrs away, so it’s kinda hard to meet and develop a friendship.   I think we’ll get along well though, from what I know about her mom. 
 

Ds’s first gf:  her dad spent holidays with us, so obviously we all became pretty close.  That relationship ended after two years though.  
 

Now, my mil and my mom are good friends now.   It took a while, but they text each other regularly, my mil has stayed with my mom, and they hang out together when they can.    

[Spryte]

We are on the far end of the contact spectrum: DS is married (2 years) and we have never met her parents, nor do we have contact info. DS and DIL eloped, so we did not meet at a wedding, and there won’t be any grandkids — unless we travel to the ILs’ state, I’m not sure we will meet.

[kbutton]

I read only about half the replies. I think a variety of levels of contact can be completely normal and healthy. For eons, people married and lived within groups and would have already known each other.

My parents and my in-laws exchange cards, and my parents have shown up for funerals (including out of state) when my DH’s parent died and when my siblings parent-in-law died to support my DH and my sibling’s spouse. They’ve done events together as well, usually stuff near one set of kids or the other. They would be cordial and go to common events if they lived near each other but probably not be besties, but that’s largely personalities, not a sense of it being weird.

Growing up, extended family from both sides mingled now and then in instances where they lived near each other, and they have always been supportive at times of grief in particular (people still show up big for funerals in their small town).

Shared parties for birthdays, graduations, showers were places in-laws would do stuff together also.

[Kassia]

The parents and in-laws of a friend of mine are close even though they are in different states because my friend is very family oriented and makes it a priority to spend time together as a whole family.  For example, at Thanksgiving every year they rent a cabin and get both families together.  Her parents and in-laws are really sweet and friendly, so it works out really well.  They have lots of fun together. Her parents are local, but in-laws are out of state and when they visit her parents are always welcome to join in on everything.  It's such a nice arrangement for everyone, but I think that's unusual.  

Edited November 27, 2023 by Kassia

[Heartstrings]

My grandparents on both sides were best friends long before my parents dated and married so that probably colors my perspective a bit.  I'm used to both sides getting together.  My husband's parents and mine were friendly, we definitely did holidays together, including Thanksgiving.  I hosted for years and both sides would come.  They weren't friends exactly, but friendly.  My dad went to both of my in-laws funerals.  With their other kids' in-laws my parents were friendly in a polite way but much more distant. 

So far I haven't met or even spoken to the parents of anyone my kids have dated but they are just now starting to date so we'll see.  I'd love to be on friendly terms with the parents of whoever they marry.   

[SKL]

On a related note ... I don't have any of my kids' friends in my contacts, even though I have some of the moms (long time friendships).  When I've thought about adding one of their friends for ease of follow-up, it just feels like a weird idea.  Like crossing a line of familiarity that adults really shouldn't cross with other people's kids, unless there is an unusual situation (example - chaperon on a travel trip without the parents).

So, my kid's boyfriend is not in my contacts, nor do I intend to add him unless there is a particular need.  I might change my mind if a person becomes family.  At that point, one hopes that will be more of an adult-adult relationship.

[marbel]

6 minutes ago, SKL said:

On a related note ... I don't have any of my kids' friends in my contacts, even though I have some of the moms (long time friendships).  When I've thought about adding one of their friends for ease of follow-up, it just feels like a weird idea.  Like crossing a line of familiarity that adults really shouldn't cross with other people's kids, unless there is an unusual situation (example - chaperon on a travel trip without the parents).

So, my kid's boyfriend is not in my contacts, nor do I intend to add him unless there is a particular need.  I might change my mind if a person becomes family.  At that point, one hopes that will be more of an adult-adult relationship.

I was given the phone number of one of my kid's friends and her (friend's) parents when they went to Europe together, just as a precaution in case of problems getting contact directly. It was on a piece of paper and when they got back I shredded it. I figured I didn't need to bother putting it in my phone.

I don't have my daughter's long-term boyfriend's number in my contacts, but I know I could find it easily in our cellphone records if I needed it. 

[teachermom2834]

I just recently had my dd give some of her friends my number just in case of emergency. I don’t have their numbers but they go to an activity together that is drop off and there aren’t any adults in charge. One time my dd took a fall. She was fine but I got to thinking I would like some way for one of them to call me if she was unable to herself. I know one of the kids’ moms so it would have been that kid having to get ahold of his mom to get ahold of me and it just made me feel better to have someone there have my number. I also am the most available for parent so it was just a “hey everyone here is my mom’s number in case I bust my head open and you know she is always around if anyone is in a jam and needs a ride you can call her.”

I would kind of like to have a number of her friends because sometimes you need to get ahold of a kid and they aren’t answering or their phone is dead or whatever. But I haven’t gone so far as to ask for a number yet. I can call their parent that I know or the place of business they are at. If they were going somewhere remote or something I would probably get another number. Places don’t have pay phones anymore and some businesses don’t even answer their phones so having a couple of ways to get ahold of someone isn’t ridiculous. But it is for emergencies, really. I’m not texting my dd’s friends. 

One thing I find awkward is the FB friending with parents of boyfriends/girlfriends. It’s awkward after a breakup. The last couple boys my dd has dated, even though I met the moms, they did not request me on FB, and after the breakups I was relieved by that. I always want to stay on good terms and be mature (because what is there to be petty about when teens break up?) but it is just weird. Do I like pictures of the person with someone else? That kind of thing seems damned if you do, damned if you don’t and I’ve decided is best avoided. Better to share pics via text because that’s easier to undo and just stop. 

[rebcoola]

I do have boyfriends number DD's phone was being fixed so she let him know using mine.  I did text him once to let him know he was being replaced by a 5week old puppy.