Mothers during and after birth

[Frances]

18 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

But see that is not every one’s experience.  I was 35 years old and I welcomed every visitor with open arms because I wanted my son to be loved and feel love.  

I don’t think this is what makes a newborn be loved and feel loved. Bonding time with the parents is what does that.

[Ting Tang]

With my first, my in laws happened to come when they needed to re-insert my catheter since I couldn’t urinate after giving birth. That tends to leave a memory… lol.  In all seriousness, maybe the mother feels too much pressure knowing family is there, even if they are not permitted in the birth or recovery rooms? She could offer ways to help support the family in other ways. Maybe the hospital time is just too stressful to even think about extended family. It’s nothing personal.  Hopefully in due time, all will be well. 

[Tap]

I Hate, with a huge capital H, having visitors when I am in the hospital......and even more so, when I was having my babies/c-sections.

The blood, goo, constant nurses, nausea, anesthesia recovery, hormones, exhaustion, hunger, thirst, still exhausted because the visitors just woke you from your first nap, pain from body shifting back from pregnant, headaches from medications/dehydration etc

The hourly personal jhealth care questions by the nurses:

'have you peed yet?" "how much? when? et"

"Pooped? Are you feeling constipated" "gassy"

"Here, is the baby lets see if they will  nurse" 

"we need to massage your uterus" 

"lets look at your incision"

And if you have any other personal issues that affect delivery, they may ask about those as well.

Anesthesia makes me itch really bad and leaves me very nauseous (full vomiting nauseous). I don't want visitors. I just wanted to rest and get to meet my new baby.

I was very, very private, very modest person when I was young. I didn't want Anyone other than myself and dh in the room after delivery. My mom and his were upset, and I didn't care. It was my very short recovery time, I was not going to curtsey to them......when all it mattered was them seeing the baby a few hours earlier.  I value my mental health, more than other's curiosity. They are not offering me support, they are making me feel worse by having to be social and polite.

 

[Tap]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

So vulnerable she can’t allow her Dh to show off the baby through the nursery glass?

What nursery glass? There wasn't a nursery viewable to the outside in either hospital I gave birth in. My birthing rooms had solid wood doors. It was a fully locked birthing wing of the hospital. People couldn't stand or linger in the hallways, they would have been escorted out of the wing for safety. Visitors were allowed in the room and while they were walking in/out, not standing at the nurses station or wandering around.   My daughter was in the incubator or with me, not in a general baby nursery.  The nursery, was inside the birthing wing. No outside access (presumably to reduce infant abduction risk.)

[popmom]

@Scarlett I want to add… I am so grateful that you put this out there knowing it would be contentious. It’s a really important topic. I understand that it is hard to comprehend all the changes and different preferences. I have given my thoughts, but I hope it didn’t feel like an attack. 
 

This is really a good and productive discussion IMO. 

[popmom]

1 hour ago, Tap said:

I Hate, with a huge capital H, having visitors when I am in the hospital......and even more so, when I was having my babies/c-sections.

The blood, goo, constant nurses, nausea, anesthesia recovery, hormones, exhaustion, hunger, thirst, still exhausted because the visitors just woke you from your first nap, pain from body shifting back from pregnant, headaches from medications/dehydration etc

The hourly personal jhealth care questions by the nurses:

'have you peed yet?" "how much? when? et"

"Pooped? Are you feeling constipated" "gassy"

"Here, is the baby lets see if they will  nurse" 

"we need to massage your uterus" 

"lets look at your incision"

And if you have any other personal issues that affect delivery, they may ask about those as well.

Anesthesia makes me itch really bad and leaves me very nauseous (full vomiting nauseous). I don't want visitors. I just wanted to rest and get to meet my new baby.

I was very, very private, very modest person when I was young. I didn't want Anyone other than myself and dh in the room after delivery. My mom and his were upset, and I didn't care. It was my very short recovery time, I was not going to curtsey to them......when all it mattered was them seeing the baby a few hours earlier.  I value my mental health, more than other's curiosity. They are not offering me support, they are making me feel worse by having to be social and polite.

 

I had a lot of misery due to the anesthesia with my c-sections. Like I literally had trouble breathing due to the spinal anesthesia affecting my diaphragm. So every time I dozed off after my first C-section, I would set off alarms. It was terrifying to me, and no one seemed to think that I might need to be reassured that I wasn’t going to die if I drifted off to sleep. Meanwhile, my husband was entertaining visitors who wanted to see the “twins”. I was absolutely ALONE. And terrified. I needed my husband to be with ME. Not showing off our babies while I thought I was dying in recovery. 

With subsequent C-sections, due to massive loss of blood, my blood pressure was always really low. And I would have violent shakes. Again…I was alone because family wanted to see the baby. Overhearing the nurse whisper about my low bp to the anesthesiologist. He’s like …let her be. I was so messed up, they didn’t even know I could hear them talking about me. God knows I have really traumatic memories from each of my C-sections. I’d need a whole other thread for that, so I’ll try to shut up.

What really pisses me off is that no one prepared us at all for this. All the f’ing childbirth classes were about natural delivery and how to AVOID the dreaded C-section. And us new moms are reading all the books, taking the classes, reading the articles that set us up to NEED the perfect “birth experience”. I really wanted that perfect experience. And you go into labor…and the second you arrive at the hospital, you realize it’s all BS. You have no say in any of it. 
 

If my DDs decide to have children, I will be prepared to help them have realistic expectations. And I will make damn sure their needs and wants are the priority. 
 

I won’t clog up this thread anymore with my stuff. I only shared because so many women (thankfully) have uncomplicated deliveries and feel fine afterwards…and then there are those like me. And it’s traumatic and no one even considers what we’re going through. It’s all about the baby(babies). There needs to be some balance. I hope it has gotten better since my last C-section in 2005. 

Edited September 20, 2023 by popmom

[TravelingChris]

4 hours ago, Heartstrings said:

Breastfeeding was also not typically done a few generations ago.  My mother and grandmother both said the doctors discouraged it, I was something only very poor people did. Bottles were in fashion, so a lot of women weren’t trying to figure out breastfeeding.  That’s probably a big disconnect between todays mothers and past mothers.  

I couldn't be breastfed.  I had a cleft palate and the doctor never examined my mouth and sent me home.  A few days later, when my mom noticed I wasn;t eating, I was back at the hospital and thy figured out that I had the cleft palate and needed a special bottle.  Then they figured out I needed soy milk instead of regular  formula.  With my own kids, I never nreastfed because of my chronic diseases and needing to take medications for the giant autoimmune crash that came shortly after giving birth.  Child one started on normal formula and needed soy. Same with child two.  By the time I had child three., I just requested soy formula from the get go.  Oh and my dh had to have soy formula too when he was born.

[Heartstrings]

8 minutes ago, TravelingChris said:

I couldn't be breastfed.  I had a cleft palate and the doctor never examined my mouth and sent me home.  A few days later, when my mom noticed I wasn;t eating, I was back at the hospital and thy figured out that I had the cleft palate and needed a special bottle.  Then they figured out I needed soy milk instead of regular  formula.  With my own kids, I never nreastfed because of my chronic diseases and needing to take medications for the giant autoimmune crash that came shortly after giving birth.  Child one started on normal formula and needed soy. Same with child two.  By the time I had child three., I just requested soy formula from the get go.  Oh and my dh had to have soy formula too when he was born.

That must have been so scary for your mom, trying to nurse a baby that can’t and not knowing why.  That must have been a rough few days.  
 

I only breastfed 2 of my 3.  I was too young and didn’t have any support with my first.  

[sweet2ndchance]

I have never understood having 20+ people waiting in the waiting room for one person in surgery. The waiting room is only so big and having a crowd for each and every person makes for chaos in my experience. Especially today when details can be dispersed to family instantly by text or phone call.

When my husband had brain surgery in 2019, we insisted that I was the only one who needed to be at the hospital. Not only because the waiting room was crowded to begin with but because neither I nor dh wanted a bunch of people there. Dh was recovering from having a hole drilled in his skull and I needed to focus on him. Dh's grandma was given the role of watching our then 6yo son for us while all this was going on but she insisted she could do so while being at the hospital in case I needed support. Seriously though, if something had gone wrong, I would have wanted some time to process it first by myself before having to deal with family and friends.

Anyways, since I couldn't actually ban her from the hospital in this case, I just avoided the huge crowded waiting room. They text updates now to your phone when someone is in surgery (or at least they have for all the surgeries dh has had) so I found a nice quiet sitting area in a deserted hallway to wait in. When they texted me that he was now in the PACU, I went back to the surgery area nurses station and they took me right to him. When he got to his room, Grandma did bring ds into to see him but you could tell it wasn't ds who wanted to be there, it was grandma. Luckily, the nurses shooed her away after about 15 minutes.

Grandma still doesn't understand how just watching ds for us IS helping and being supportive. I think it's just a generational thing that she will never understand. For my grown kids, if they want me at the hospital, I will be there. If not, I will offer my support from afar however they want to be supported. I will never assume one way or the other though. That's just rude.

I never had an issue with visitors when I was in the hospital having kids. I was a military wife for the first 5 so we didn't live near enough to family for them to come to the hospital which suited me just fine. For #6, it was flu season when he was born so no visitors were allowed. and for my stillbirth/late miscarriage (we lost the baby at 18 weeks so the medical community calls it a late miscarriage but I had to be induced, push and give birth so to me, it was a stillbirth), we had not announced the pregnancy yet so we didn't have visitors which, again, suited me just fine.

[Melanie32]

As someone who is probably not too far from being a grandma, the idea of not being able to see my grand baby as soon as possible is a hard one. My feelings will probably be hurt if my son and DIL don’t want me at the hospital.
 

But looking back at my own childbirth experiences, I would have been glad to feel like I had the choice of privacy. My pastor’s wife wanted to be in the room and I didn’t know how to tell her no so I ended up with my MIL, my mom, my sister and my pastor’s wife in the room with me.  
 

Other than that, I was glad to have the visitors and I wanted my MIL to feel included and to be able to see her grand baby right away. 
 

I guess, the more I think about it, I wouldn’t change anything except for allowing my pastor’s wife in the room while I gave birth. Both mine and my husband’s families came to the hospital with both of my childbirths and I’m glad they did. 
 

However I also understand a mom’s need for privacy. My DIL and my daughter are both very different from myself so I won’t be surprised if they want more privacy and I will certainly honor and respect that even though I will also be sad about it. 
 

I’ve grown much more introverted with age so I would probably want more privacy if I were to have a baby today so I do understand where they might be coming from. 
 

I see both sides Scarlett. 

Edited September 20, 2023 by Melanie32

[LauraClark]

We don't have family near so have never had any issue with too many visitors. I definitely don't want any visitors a few hours after the birth: trying to figure out b feeding, all the yuck from post birth, etc-I barely want my husband there. But, after that time, I would welcome short visits from some people. I guess it depends on how much family is around- having visitors all the time is exhausting and especially when you're trying to figure out a new baby. But if they could all be short visits and not too many it wouldn't be a problem.

[teachermom2834]

Some of the people that want to be at the hospital during a surgery for support just make me more anxious. My dad paces and sighs and overreacts to everything. When dh or ds had surgery the last thing I wanted was his “support” at the hospital. He means well. He thinks he is being supportive. But he is not. He just amps up the anxiety in any situation. 100 questions and running commentary is not how I feel supported. Others may take comfort in that. 
 

I did want company after my deliveries but only the closest people. My mom, sister, a best friend. I always wanted my mom to bring my older kids to see me. But I was rough after my deliveries. I only had one c-section (which was awful) but 2 of the 3 other deliveries were complicated and difficult. I had trouble walking, needed a catheter, my blood pressure kept dropping, I had to keep a bed pan handy for vomiting. It was not pretty. But we didn’t really share all that info. So people wouldn’t have known why we were declining visitors. 

[Pawz4me]

9 hours ago, Scarlett said:

But it is a sharp deviation from my childhood and up until Covid……..hospital stays and births involved a lot people.  My moms breast cancer surgery had 20 people in the waiting room.  My dads prostate surgery has as many or more. 

Scarlett, I'm old and I remember when surgeries and hospitalizations were like that for my family. But for us those days are long gone, and were long gone long before Covid. I think it was due to lots of factors--many surgeries and procedures became much less invasive (and therefore much less chance of something going wrong), hospital times started reducing greatly, the advent of smart phones and instant communication and pictures, and to some extent the older folks who expected tons of family around dying off. Times have changed with circumstances, and I think that's a good thing.

As someone who had two c-sections and was still in/out of the hospital very quickly (a lot of it by choice) I am so glad our family and friends were kind enough to not bombard us with visits until we were home and had a few days to settle in.

[Soror]

We've always wanted privacy. My first 2 births I had my Mom and husband and the last 2 just husband and midwife. My sister in law had her whole huge family there and it blew my mind. I could have went in but felt it was an invasion of privacy, even if she didn't. We had some visitors after our first but only when I was ready. The rest were homebirths and the only visitors were my in-laws and we didn't tell them until well afterwards. Even during my husband's surgeries we didn't have any family present except myself. 

I think all of this is a combination of - family culture, individual preferences (and changing social norms that allow the expression of those preferences), and awareness of germs and their effects on newborns. Norms change. As others mentioned it used to be that dads weren't allowed in the rooms and all moms were knocked out, thank goodness for change.

[lauraw4321]

There were four grandparents parked in the waiting room with all 3 of my births. With the first one, I think it really impacted me because I felt like everyone was waiting on me, and it was a LOOONG day. I was induced at 6:00 in the morning and didn't deliver until 11:30 p.m. I know my MIL left to get her nails done at one point and my mom was so offended by that. I let them in to say hello when I was in early labor, and then not again until about half an hour after the baby was born. 

The next morning, all of the aunts, uncles and friends came. It was stressful because I was so worried about my milk leaking or them coming when I was trying to go to the bathroom with the weird mesh panties and giant pad. 

I won't do that to my daughters, unless they ask me to be there.

Scarlett - one thing about the "through the nursery window" thing. They don't allow parents into the nursery here. Too many babies stolen that way. So the only way is to come into the hospital room. Which is definitely fraught. 

[Acorn]

I’ve had two csections in a hospital where babies room with the mother. I cannot imagine having visitors other than I did invite my sister-in-law who was watching my son to bring him to see me and meet sibling.

Any surgery is tough on one’s body, then add labor, childbirth and trying to establish nursing. I had one entire arm immobilized for ivs, a catheter and a much hated pain ball. Seriously I was begging with the nurses to get that out telling them I would rather have incision pain than deal with it strapped to me and tugging my incision. I had serious complications during both births (hemorrhage with one, uterine rupture with the other). 
I didn’t invite guests until babies were close to a month. It was start of flu season but mostly I needed to be able to walk and wear clothes. 

[alysee]

Living across the country from relatives for 4/5 births has its advantages. I typically don't like anyone see me sick or in pain. My mom tried to insist on being their for the birth of my first child but I told her, I wanted her to help with the kid, not see me in hospital so luckily she didn't try and be sneaky. She flew in the same day we were discharged from hospital with my first. After that she got the message. 

[Katy]

Whatever the hospital guidelines are, I’d explain to mom that because of Covid the hospital won’t let them have extra visitors. 

Lie or not, it’s polite pretense. 

[Carrie12345]

I have had babies with hospital visitors and I have had babies without hospital visitors. Without is a million times less stressful.

My grandparents did come to see my firstborn and that wasn’t too difficult… because it was almost 24hr after he was born, I wasn’t breastfeeding, and he slept in the nursery.

The next 4 stayed in my room and were breastfed. It was better for us, but not great for trying to entertain guests.

And I didn’t have major surgery.

There is nothing wrong with parents cocooning and putting their family’s needs first. Extended family can get over themselves or not.

[SKL]

Again, I've never given birth, but it all sounds so stressful with the modern practice of discharging so soon after birth.  It seems you barely have time to catch a breath even if there are no visitors other than the husband.

Scarlett, your family tradition sounds like it would mean numerous people in and out.  It isn't just great grandma, it's her and all the generations in between from both sides of the family.  All those in-laws and out-laws seeing a young woman (whom many of them barely know) in her most vulnerable time, gathering "memories" that could be used to judge her for the rest of her life.  Not stressful at all.

Well now the in-laws can judge her for not letting them in.  What a world.

Edited September 20, 2023 by SKL

[Scarlett]

One thing is for sure everyone has their own feelings and preferences on this.  I think my mom was surprisingly thoughtful to ask my nephew what they wanted but she apparently still did not quite get it if she told a cousin to go on up there after baby arrived. 
 

I went to the hospital to sit with my son when my DIL had surgery a few weeks ago.  I did not expect for her to have me go into the preop room with her but she did. Her flakey mother showed up late just as they were taking her to surgery and left twice while we waited and wasn’t there when they brought DIL out after surgery. My DIL was very sad her mom was gone, so I was glad I was there.

I also recently sat with a friends husband during her surgery.  4 other people showed up for part of the time.  She was very glad we were there.  But I am her medical advocate so I really needed to be there.  
 

My DIL has told me she wants me in the delivery room if she has a baby.  But I will be sure to ask if she still feels the same if the time comes.

Also our own experiences shape how we feel about things and we forget that not everyone feels the same. My poor mother gave birth to me when she was 20 with no one there at all.  She was dropped off at the hospital.  SHe was terrified and thought she was dying. Then 2 years later gave birth to my brother who never left the hospital. Her parents never came to the hospital to see the baby and they did not go to the funeral.  So she always wants people to know she cares and to her that means showing up.  
 

She even said ‘<my nephew> for sure would want me there’.  She is just remembering how close they were when he was a kid….it is hard for her to imagine life changes.  

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, SKL said:

Again, I've never given birth, but it all sounds so stressful with the modern practice of discharging so soon after birth.  It seems you barely have time to catch a breath even if there are no visitors other than the husband.

Scarlett, your family tradition sounds like it would mean numerous people in and out.  It isn't just great grandma, it's her and all the generations in between from both sides of the family.  All those in-laws and out-laws seeing a young women (whom many of them barely know) in her most vulnerable time, gathering "memories" that could be used to judge her for the rest of her life.  Not stressful at all.

Well now the in-laws can judge her for not letting them in.  What a world.

I agree if the mom doesn’t want visitors that should be how it is.  

[SKL]

You are right - your mom did the right thing by asking the nephew's preference and by not going there herself.

If the couple had wanted visitors, there would of course be nothing wrong with visiting.

[Scarlett]

When my moms sister was in the hospital near death for 2 months  I took my parents several times and we stayed for days at a time.  I was happy to do that and my aunts husband thanked them several times for being there and giving him a chance to leave and handle other business.  I did NOT like going in to see my aunt at all, but my mom said I should.  My aunt squeezed my hand and smiled weekly at one point so I assume she was ok with visitors.

[Scarlett]

10 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I definately think it’s a family culture thing, especially with older family members.  When my mom had a super premature baby in the early 90s there had to be at least a dozen family members at the hospital by the second day.  My great grandmother used to get all made up and dressed to the nines to go visit every great nephew and niece and new babies even though she had 11 siblings and her husband had 10 so there had to be literally hundreds of babies born over the years, and she always went to visit every new baby in the hospital. So did everyone. 

My husband’s family culture is wildly different and I was shocked not to have all his extended family show up at the hospital shortly after birth.  My family turned out in droves, but it was what I expected and was not bothered by it.

It sounds like this new mom’s family culture and personal preference is no hospital visitors.  That is 100% okay too.   Your mom will adjust and needs to respect boundaries, but I think it’s probably more personal preference than just all “young people.”  I do plenty of NICU transfers from the hospital the baby is born in to the hospital with the NICU where the mom’s room is crowded with family.  I think it’s just what your preference and family culture is.

I think this a good point…..naturally the ‘no visitors’ voice is much louder than the ones who are fine with visitors.   

[Scarlett]

6 hours ago, popmom said:

Meanwhile, my husband was entertaining visitors who wanted to see the “twins”. I was absolutely ALONE. And terrified. I needed my husband to be with ME. Not showing off our babies while I thought I was dying in recovery. 

 

 

That sounds terrible.  I am so sorry you experienced that.  Did you not feel you could ask the nurse to get your husband? 

Edited September 20, 2023 by Scarlett

[kirstenhill]

28 minutes ago, SKL said:

Again, I've never given birth, but it all sounds so stressful with the modern practice of discharging so soon after birth.  It seems you barely have time to catch a breath even if there are no visitors other than the husband.

 

I was glad I wasn't rushed out too fast with my first birth - breastfeeding was difficult and DD had trouble latching properly.  I needed help and support from the nurses and lactation consultant.  

But with my other three I couldn't wait to leave.  I knew what I was doing, and just wanted to be home and comfortable.  I didn't have any C-sections though!  We asked to leave ASAP with #'s 2-4.   (Compounding my desire to leave early with #2 was that my room was super hot and the hospital staff couldn't do anything about it.  It was unseasonably warm in the upper midwest in March, and apparently the whole old building was set to a "heat" setting that couldn't be fully adjusted in each room.  It was miserable.).

I welcomed lots of visitors with my first because I was in the hospital longer and we lived closer to DH's family at the time.  We had no visitors other than my mom with the other three - again, partly because I was there a much shorter time but also because we then lived closer to my family, which has a much different dynamic.  I had short times (a couple hours) where I was alone in the room with the baby, and I would have loved visitors as I hated being alone with no one to talk to.  At the time I thought there really wasn't anyone who would be willing to come (other than when my mom brought younger sibs to see new baby).  In retrospect maybe I could have asked a friend to come, even though the fact that my friends were mostly other moms with young kids made me hold back from asking because I thought they would be too busy.

[lovinmyboys]

I naively let the whole family visit the day my oldest was born. I started feeling unwell and I don’t think my husband got the hint and it wasn’t fun. This was 17 years ago and we were quite young. With my subsequent kids it was just the grandparents (and honestly I would have liked for it to be just the grandmothers). And with my last we lived far away and it was just us, which was a little boring and sad or have no one to show him off to.

Although I had relatively easy births, I still was not really up for visitors in the 24-48 hours after giving birth. I know everyone wants to see the new baby and I am sure I will want to be there when my grandbabies are born, but I think it is nice that the women who just went through childbirth are feeling ok to say no.

[Bambam]

It seems to me my dad's advice, "Never expect anything and you won't be disappointed" applies here as well - to all the relatives who might be expecting to be able to go see new baby immediately/quickly after birth. If you don't expect that, you won't get your feelings hurt if you can't. 

When they were taking me to my room after my first C-Section, I ran into our preacher, his wife, and their daughter (preacher and his wife were probably in their 70s, daughter (driver) in her late 30s/early 40s) in the elevator. They happened to be at the hospital that day for an appointment for him, and got to see my dh and the baby as they were taking the baby to wherever they do a thorough check before returning baby to the mother. So, I spoke to them for maybe 2 minutes in th elevator, but it was pretty wild running into them there.  That was more than enough visitors for me. 

I hope the new parents and baby get to go home soon and start getting adjusted so they can deal with welcoming guests when they are ready. 

[fairfarmhand]

For years I’ve told my daughters how to advocate for themselves in medical situations. And they’re allowed to say what they want when it concerns their own bodies. I wonder if some of this is coming at a time when women feel more comfortable wi th that.

Also, I wonder if the fact that women are typically older when they have their babies helps too. I didn’t find my voice and feel comfortable saying what I needed till I was over 30. When I had babies I was so intimidated by everything. Maybe in. Past generations the very young women truly needed their moms and others more. Especially because the fathers were not expected to be much help. 

[Jaybee]

10 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Plus the baby's immune system isn't working properly yet. Enough tiny infants have died after a relative kissing them shortly after birth with a cold sore. 

Now what I'm about to say usually happens a few days later than these concerns, but one thing I don't see mentioned is that the tendency to pass newborns around from one person to another isn't necessarily good for them in another way, either. Newborns' muscles are still pretty soft, and when they get passed around, it tends to make them sore, which makes them fussy, because they are uncomfortable, possibly in pain. I'm not talking about simply holding your baby, but constant picking up and moving from one person to another is a lot more than what happens when just the mom and dad soothe the baby. Their muscles start toughening up quickly, and within a few weeks, it is a different story. But at first...

[Murphy101]

9 hours ago, Frances said:

I don’t think this is what makes a newborn be loved and feel loved. Bonding time with the parents is what does that.

Bonding with parents isn’t the only bonding babies need to feel loved.  Bonding with their children isn’t the only bonding parents need to feel loved either.

That said, I think it’s fine for the recently birthed mom to decide she isn’t up to visitors.  With most of mine I didn’t tell anyone until after baby was born  except for my 4 closest friends, 2 of which were present at several births.  But that was later in life when I’d built those bonds.  Many moms don’t have those bonds and actively do things that make it hard for them to have such relationships  

I think grandmother and other close attachments shouldn’t be considered visitors but I do understand that’s the sad state of things for many people, it certainly was for me too.

I do think that anyone visiting should not be asking anything of the mother or the father. Contribute to making their healing and transition into parenting easier or don’t come.  Take a minute to hold the new baby and 20 minutes to helps with something. Bring outside food. Run an errand so dad doesn’t have to leave mom and baby. Clean something. Don’t stay more than 30 minutes. 

Women under 40 tend to not value those outside connections as deeply as they often will later in life.  Usually with regret at how they ended up isolating themselves and then feeling they were alone in their struggles.

[Ausmumof3]

For me in Aus in the delivery room would mean during birth. There’s not really a waiting area or anything and you don’t get a ward till after the baby is born. So if you say “in the delivery room” that would mean at the birth. If you’re in a public hospital in a big city at that point you’ll likely be sharing a ward with two to four other women with set visiting hours after the birth. There’s limited space and you’ll be lucky to get a chair to sit in if you visit.

In my family culture and most people I know the only people likely to know the birth is taking place is babysitters for older kids, and possibly grandparents. Visiting would be 100pc at discretion of the mum. I typically don’t visit till later, not because I don’t love or care for people but because I remember how hard those early days were.

In my Mum’s generation no one was allowed in for seven days, even dad only got to look through the nursery window.

[catz]

I had 2 scheduled c sections.   I asked no one be at the hospital and after we let people know what we were up for. Never the first day.  I was in 5 full days with both.   We did allow a few visitors.   My first c section didn’t go well and required a couple blood transfusions.  my oldest will be 23 next month so this isn’t recent history.  
 

i don’t stand the entitlement at all.  Everyone has different preferences.  Birth and nursing can be difficult and stressful and exhausting.  Pulling a new dad from his new little family who maybe helping isn’t necessarily easy.  It’s not personal.  
 

And didn’t we just have a big pandemic?  Like the thought of a huge group breathing over my newborn without the ability to open windows, etc gives me hives.  Much better to meet baby in small groups, maybe on a porch or with open windows and the ability to send everyone to wash their hands.   
 

 

[Carrie12345]

31 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

Women under 40 tend to not value those outside connections as deeply as they often will later in life.  Usually with regret at how they ended up isolating themselves and then feeling they were alone in their struggles.

I don’t know how to phrase this politely, but your post gave me angry feelings.

Declining visitors postpartum isn’t isolating.

People know what to expect from those they’ve known all their lives. Many know they’re in for an audience rather than a support team.

Some people (and I’m over 40) have decided they aren’t for show. Not everyone over 40 is helpful and considerate just because they’re related.

[Arcadia]

11 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Delivery rooms and theaters at hospitals here don't even have waiting rooms.. I think the only waiting room In the hospital I am in is the emergancy waiting room 

Same here at the hospital where DS17 was born. The only place to wait were the emergency waiting room, the small cafeteria, and a small waiting area that is for family/friends of people in surgery.  
 

Where I am from, the private hospitals have lobbies looking like hotel lobbies to wait in. The government run hospitals would expect people to wait at the cafeteria. 

[popmom]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

That sounds terrible.  I am so sorry you experienced that.  Did you not feel you could ask the nurse to get your husband? 

I did, actually, but he didn’t understand how bad off I was, and the nursing staff knew I wasn’t actually dying, so… My husband was very much a people pleaser like I was at the time, so he felt obligated to entertain all the visitors. After the second c-sec, I was pretty angry about the whole situation of being left alone. Third C-section was scheduled and I told everyone to not come to the hospital—except my mental mother (which was its own disaster lol), and I still ended up alone and miserable in recovery for much longer than I should have been. But he did come in and stay with me and hold my hand. It was better. That wasn’t his fault—it was hospital policy. There is a point when they make the dad leave the OR while I’m being stitched up, and he had to wait for the okay to come into the recovery room. 
 

But then the next day my mental mother had a meltdown over something relatively trivial that the nurses did. She wanted ME to confront the nurses over this matter. She kept on and on about it until I had to just say calmly but firmly, “ I’m NOT DOING THAT, Mother.” She exploded on me and stormed out of my room in such a fury that 2 nurses immediately popped in the door to check on me. Narcissism. It was always something. 
 

I do think it is important for new moms to have some type of support available in those first days—as someone mentioned above and @Murphy101 mentioned below, I think…To run errands, watch the siblings, bring the siblings to visit, cook some meals… that’s entirely different. 

Edited September 20, 2023 by popmom

[Murphy101]

3 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

I don’t know how to phrase this politely, but your post gave me angry feelings.

okay. 🤷‍♀️

3 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Declining visitors postpartum isn’t isolating.

It can be. And if you read my post, I note that for most of mine I did not have visitors, I didn’t even tell anyone the baby until after baby was born.  

3 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

People know what to expect from those they’ve known all their lives. Many know they’re in for an audience rather than a support team.

and again, if you read my post, I mentioned multiple times that there should be support. So your angry feelings seem misplaced.

3 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Some people (and I’m over 40) have decided they aren’t for show. Not everyone over 40 is helpful and considerate just because they’re related.

Okay. Re-read my post after you set your emotional baggage down then? I said younger mothers tend to not value bonds outside of the mother/child, wife/husband as much as they will later in life. And many women later in life caution younger mothers, rightly, to be careful not to isolate themselves to those two bonds.  None of my support network has involved my FOO. Ever.  And that’s a good thing for many sad reasons I won’t get into.  In my younger mother years, that’s just the way it needed to be.

I would want that to be different for my children. If they don’t want that from me, then that’s okay by me too.  God knows, any parent who expects their grown children to agree with them on anything is in for some major life disappointment.

But I stand by my opinion that bonding with the baby is ideally not just for the parents.  Or even just for the grandparents either. Children are raised in communities. Moms get sick. Dads work long hours. Life happens.

I totally get that some people aren’t helpful and don’t have healthy relationships.

But for those that do? Let them in the circle.

I would be sad if my daughter didn’t want me around at all after a baby is born. But that’s her choice.

But I would be very concerned for them all if she had no one other than her Dh around.  Nothing against spouses at all.  But I remember the decade I was all alone or just me and Dh to care for my newborns and young children as very stressful and damned hard. We managed and even by miracle or miracles thrived in many ways. But I wouldn’t want that for my children if it could be done with better support.  And statistically, we were outliers and most do not thrive in that scenario.

[gardenmom5]

12 hours ago, Scarlett said:

If you don’t understand that I can’t explain it to you.  The person having surgery isnt t the only one who needs support.  I was always taught that we don’t leave a loved one alone during anothers surgery because we never know what might go wrong.  

You said his mother and her mother were there at their invitation.  They have the family there that they want.

The great-grandmother was the one invited to see the baby after they are settled at home. TBH: she's being petty because that's not good enough for her.

this isn't "just a delivery" - a c-section is MAJOR SURGERY.

Edited September 20, 2023 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

18 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

Same here at the hospital where DS17 was born. The only place to wait were the emergency waiting room, the small cafeteria, and a small waiting area that is for family/friends of people in surgery.  
 

Where I am from, the private hospitals have lobbies looking like hotel lobbies to wait in. The government run hospitals would expect people to wait at the cafeteria. 

I delivered at two different hospitals.  The L&D units, connected to the Mom-baby units had a small waiting area, but for both they were outside the doors to the units.

 

[Arcadia]

My mom had caesarian in the 70s/80s. She took a long time to wake up from the anesthesia. The hospitals had an area for visitors to look into the nursery. However some of my relatives did insist that my parents get my brother out from the nursery so that they can hold him (I was an NICU baby). My mom was in a three bed room so relatives just pop in and pop out since there wasn’t much space to stand around. My mom did need nurse help so it would have been better if my dad was able to be with her instead of her hospital roommates pressing the nurse call button for her.

For DS18, my hospital room was a large one bedder in a private hospital in my country of origin. He was born in the evening and visiting hours were already over. So my parents meet my husband at the lobby to pass him food and my in-laws came the next day. My husband’s relatives mainly came to view the hospital room because the hospital is new and their maternity rooms are relatively large. So I didn’t have to really put up with visitors staying longer than a few minutes as they pop in to say hi and then went to tour the hospital.

The hospital here had very small maternity rooms so even my MIL did the customary pop in visit and left. DS17 was born after midnight and we left the hospital in the afternoon so it was a short stay of less than a day anyway. 

My relatives are the kind that if we say no visitors, some would still go to the house to drop off food and see the baby for a few minutes from the doorway. They take it to mean that the mom is too tired to entertain visitors and need dad to help. Some of my husband’s relatives took no visitors to mean mom needs to sleep so they “camp out” at the living room and expect the dad to serve them refreshments and snacks, as well as bring baby out of the bedroom for them to carry. DS18 won’t let other people carry him so when I needed help, my husband would have to come to the bedroom and then go back to the living room to a wailing newborn that needed me to pacify. It shocked his parents and aunts because they were used to babies that let anyone carry. DS17 let anyone including strangers carry him so my in-laws were actually scared he gets adducted from his stroller. 
 

My in-laws were nasty for both my pregnancies and postpartum so it just reinforced our decision to stop at two kids. Two of his aunts were great help while his other aunts didn’t help but didn’t give trouble as well. His two aunts are the kind that their son-in-laws are grateful for. 

[KungFuPanda]

1 hour ago, Murphy101 said:

Women under 40 tend to not value those outside connections as deeply as they often will later in life.  Usually with regret at how they ended up isolating themselves and then feeling they were alone in their struggles.

I don’t know if this is true or not, but I don’t see how it’s connected to the birth experience. I think it’s a dramatic stretch to describe declining visitors for a few days, or even weeks, as “isolating.”  Nobody is alone here; they’re taking care of each other and the baby and just aren’t up to entertaining extended family. No child is going to fail to bond with extended family and friends because they didn’t meet them the first week of life. The baby gets nothing out of these visits. Sometimes you have to focus on your immediate family’s needs and just let other people take a number. Childbirth is definitely one of these times. 

[fairfarmhand]

I think some of the disconnect is because we're not all using the same understanding of "support"

For me, I don't want people around when I don't feel well. Not even my dad and stepmom that I adore. Not my in laws. Not my preacher for sure. My dds can be around because they know the tells of "Mom is overstressed and worn out." and will tell me to go to bed. Then they are not annoyed that I am in bed and not chatting. In fact, they (particularly my two grown and out of the house dds) are likely to prepare food, clean the kitchen and leave. I have 2 friends who would ask "Do you need me to x?" and respect whatever I said. I would not find it supportive to have a person hang around that I don't know well enough that they don't see that I'm not up for company. 

But some people see support as showing up and chatting so mom won't be lonely. Telling mom how to breastfeed, eat, talk to the dr. whatever. Some moms are up for that, some are not.

Some people see support as going over to the person's house and doing their laundry or scrubbing their bathroom and then quietly slipping out so the person never knew they were there. 

Some people see support as sending a text and leaving a meal in a cooler on the front doorstep. 

When I had babies, I didn't need support at the hospital. I was fine, My dh was fine. Baby was fine. Uneventful pregnancy and delivery. The nurses took care of what we needed. I slept and nursed. My church ladies put food in my fridge while we were gone. That was the support I needed. 

My dh's parents came over in the first few days, stayed for a couple hours and then left. The end.  My kids have wonderful bonds with grandparents. In fact, the ones they are closest to, they didn't really see much until they were closer to school age because of distance. 

I think the whole "Baby has to bond with grandparents" is hooey. Baby bonds with mommy and daddy. That's all that's necessary in those first few weeks. Children can have wonderful bonds with grandparents without seeing them in the first few weeks. I think people who throw that out there are thinking more of themselves than the baby and the parents.

I have a lovely bond with my grandson. Didn't go to the hospital. Saw him when he was a few days old for a couple of hours because that was what was needed. Dd and SIL were fine. If my dd wanted me there more, I would have been there, but she was ok on her own.  In some families, being there for all the moments is crucial and people really feel disappointed and like they're missing out if it doesn't happen. In others, like mine, we make other special moments. I would venture to say that missing out on those big moments are secondary to being there day after day, consistently, lovingly, making the every day memories. Seriously, I remember more of my grandson learning to hold a kitten gently and hugging them close to his face at age 16 months than I do of our first glimpses of him. 

Those of us who have differing opinions on this need to be careful about taking offense or acting snotty about those who think differently. 

I asked my dd what she wanted when she got married and had babies. And I followed what she asked. And I know she loves me, so if I didn't get what *I* wanted, I chalked it up to, "Okay, that must be what she needs right now." and didn't get my feelings hurt. 

[Corraleno]

3 hours ago, SKL said:

All those in-laws and out-laws seeing a young woman (whom many of them barely know) in her most vulnerable time, gathering "memories" that could be used to judge her for the rest of her life.  Not stressful at all.

That's exactly what happened to my poor SIL (husband's brother's wife). MIL & FIL insisted on being at the hospital when she went into labor and within minutes of SIL being wheeled into her room they were in there — and FIL had a video camera! It was a long labor and SIL was totally exhausted and looked like hell, and they showed that video to everyone they knew. Then they continually brought up how terrible SIL looked and what a rough time she had, and told people the reason they didn't have more kids was because SIL couldn't handle the birth, which was not true. It was so invasive and awful and I felt so bad for her. 

[Idalou]

There's obviously a difference between hospitals in the US and Australia. In the several hospitals near me, there are both cafeteria and vending machine areas, and every floor has a designated waiting area with comfortable chairs, large screen tv, phone charging stations, and a coffee-tea table. In one, there's a piano on the main floor that has a person play relaxing classical music right before the daily quiet-time that is enforced. The waiting area near the surgery that is used on hearts has long couches for spending the night if needed. The chemo area for visitors is equally nice, and they give snacks and drinks to children who wait there for hours for their family member.

Edit- these are non-profit. Even the more rural ones nearby have lounges and waiting rooms.

As to the OP- times change. A nursery with a glass wall for viewing isn't the norm. So many babies are born via C section now, and that's major surgery, with many a mom not feeling like seeing anyone other than their spouse. The past thing I wanted was multiple people asking to hold my newborn. I'm not a germaphobe, but had no desire to take a chance on once of us catching anything! It's not like back in the days of your mother's time, when women spent almost a week in the hospital. If a person can't wait 48 to 72+ hours, then so be it. 

Edited September 20, 2023 by Idalou

[Catwoman]

13 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Culturaly to me the idea of having a heap of people in the actual delivery room gawking at at my privates while I give birth is increadably rude.. I couldn't even imagine people wanting to do that 

It's not the norm here, either.

The norm here is that the mom-to-be has the option of having other people in the delivery room, but she also has the option of just having her dh, or having a different person (or people,) or she can also choose to be alone in the delivery room with her doctor and nurses. It's up to the mom.

 

[Catwoman]

14 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Glad I am Not in that culture 

 Sounds awful

Seriously, please don't let threads like this give you a distorted impression of US culture. 🙂 

I know a few women who wanted a lot of visitors at the hospital after they had their babies, but most of the women I knew kept their visitor list quite limited. 

But the important thing here is that the mom gets to decide who (if anyone,) is allowed to visit. So if you lived here, you wouldn't have had to have anyone in the delivery room with you and you could have also refused visitors. If people wanted to wait in the waiting room just to be sure you and the baby were ok while the baby was being born, they could have done that, but there's no rule that you would have had to see them afterward.

 

[sweet2ndchance]

15 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

she can also choose to be alone in the delivery room with her doctor and nurses

That wasn't my experience. My husband was deployed when my first dd (third child) was born and I figured I would just go it alone. The hospital said I had to have someone there with me in case I became incapacitated and someone needed to make a medical decision for me. I had a friend come with since no family was nearby and I had to sign paperwork and everything that said she could make decisions on my behalf if I became unable to do so myself. She knew my birth plan and my preferences beforehand but luckily, it didn't come to that but that was the hospital's policy back in 2001.

ETA: This was in SC. I have no idea if this holds true in other places.

Edited September 20, 2023 by sweet2ndchance

[SKL]

33 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I don’t know if this is true or not, but I don’t see how it’s connected to the birth experience. I think it’s a dramatic stretch to describe declining visitors for a few days, or even weeks, as “isolating.”  Nobody is alone here; they’re taking care of each other and the baby and just aren’t up to entertaining extended family. No child is going to fail to bond with extended family and friends because they didn’t meet them the first week of life. The baby gets nothing out of these visits. Sometimes you have to focus on your immediate family’s needs and just let other people take a number. Childbirth is definitely one of these times. 

As an adoptive parent, I was advised to keep extended family away for a month in order to promote parent-child bonding.

Obviously a short visit isn't going to mess up a parent-infant bond, but neither is it going to make or break the extended family bond.  I mean if a relative is gonna fail to bond with my baby because they had to wait a few days or weeks to meet, then it seems to me the issue is with the relative.

[Catwoman]

12 hours ago, Scarlett said:

But see that is not every one’s experience.  I was 35 years old and I welcomed every visitor with open arms because I wanted my son to be loved and feel love.  

As long as you have a private room, I think it's fine to have as many visitors as you'd like, but if you are sharing a room with another new mom, it can be very awkward and if the babies are in the room, it can spread a LOT of germs to both babies.

But I don't see anything wrong with wanting a lot of visitors or with not wanting any visitors at all -- and I think visitors should be respectful if the mom looks like she's not feeling well enough to entertain them for more than a few minutes, even if she says they are welcome. I think every new mom should get to make her own choices about visitation, as well as who gets to meet the new baby in person vs who can just see them through the nursery viewing window.

I was always very concerned about new babies and germs, so I was very selective about who visited my ds when he was tiny.

I don't think there's a right or wrong here, though. 🙂