if your teen was a bad driver

[kristin0713]

Please give me some hope that this kid will learn to drive. I did not think anything could be worse than potty training, but this is worse. She cannot steer very well. She's not teachable. She's nervous. And I think she doesn't really care one way or another about getting her license. I am SO READY for this next phase of life when my kids can drive themselves and I will no longer be their chauffer! I do have her in driving lessons, but at this point I think she will need a lot more than the six lessons before I can even trust her to drive in our neighborhood. 

[Ottakee]

I hired a private instructor at $80/ hour for my daughter.   Super expensive but worth it.  We do a lesson every other week or so.

[Starr]

If I were doing it over I would have had dd drive some every day and scrape up the money for as many lessons as I could manage. 

[kristin0713]

7 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

I hired a private instructor at $80/ hour for my daughter.   Super expensive but worth it.  We do a lesson every other week or so.

Yeah I think I’m going to have to do this when the first six lessons are done. 
 

 

1 minute ago, Starr said:

If I were doing it over I would have had dd drive some every day and scrape up the money for as many lessons as I could manage. 

This is (was? Lol) my plan but it’s so hard when she’s … just not doing great. 

[teachermom2834]

I had a couple bad drivers. They are now competent. Six lessons wouldn’t have touched it even by a professional.

Sorry to be a downer but I did have a kid total a car without leaving our neighborhood and this was after he had been driving a year. It was bad. He is 20 now though and drives long distance trips and around urban areas and never had another accident or ticket. But it was a long time getting there. So there is hope but it might be a long time. Sorry. Hopefully she learns faster!

[Katy]

Can someone else drive with her? My mom was so tense I could NOT learn with her in the car. And the more she gasped and shrieked and freaked out at NOTHING the worse I drove. I had to get other family members to help. 

[Rosie_0801]

6 lessons? People are allowed to get their licence with only 6 lessons?

My kid has 75 hours and she's nowhere near ready to be driving without a supervisor! (In our state she has to have a minimum of 120 hours over two years, so she has 22 months to go anyway.)

[Ting Tang]

So, this was me as a teen learning to drive.  My dad had to grab the wheel once.  6 lessons is not enough.  She will need lots of practice, and don't rush her to get her license.  I ended up getting mine four months or so after my driver's ed class ended in high school.  Even then, I really wasn't ready to be driving locally.  I think one of my first trips was to the neighboring subdivision.  Maybe take her to an empty parking lot, too, to practice.

It takes years to be able to anticipate all the things that can happen on the road and truly drive defensively.  Driving carries more risk than having a potty training accident, so patience, my friend!

[marbel]

We had this issue with one of ours. The driving schools here focus on passing the licensing test, not safe/defensive/confident driving. I forced a lot of driving practice but it was so stressful. I think there is an ADHD/executive function element with this kid. It is just overwhelming for them in a way I can't understand, but I've been driving for 50 years. They still won't drive on the turnpike/highway, use GPS whereever they go, and will get someone else to drive whenever possible. More practice has not helped alleviate the anxiety. It takes time, so much time! 

[Jean in Newcastle]

We drove for months in a vacant parking lot until they were comfortable and competent enough to go on the road. I can’t imagine forcing someone to only have six lessons. 

[Dmmetler]

 

I bought a driving simulator for my high anxiety kid to get a ton of practice before ever getting behind the wheel of a real car, and then a lot of parking lot and neighborhood driving. We actually did driver's Ed and the official sessions only after my kid was about 99% ready.

 

 

[Bambam]

I had my kids drive in a vacant parking lot - first the local theater before they opened, and then once I felt comfortable, we moved to the mall parking lot (much bigger, more obstacles, turns, etc) and practiced there before they opened.  One kid spent longer at these places than the other. There were times I wondered if they would ever become good drivers. Their father, after the first ride with them, refused to get in a car with them again. 

They both are young adults now. One is a better driver than the other, but both are decent. But it took so much time to get them there. Time well spent though. 

[kathyl]

nm

Edited July 8, 2023 by kathyl

[ScoutTN]

What they said. There is no rush. Not every kid is ready at 16. Mine were not.
Lots and lots and lots of low key practice. My Dh spent at least 15 hours driving in parking lots with Dd before they did any road driving. Here they need 100 hours of driving (10 at night)  over at least six months in order to take the road test for a license. 

Edited June 3, 2023 by ScoutTN

[iamonlyone]

I used something like the lessons at this site. Maybe they would be helpful as you practice together?

https://www.codot.gov/safety/colorado-teen-drivers/SafetyAdvocates/documents/InvolveParents/Teaching Your Teen To Drive HANDBOOK.pdf

[kristin0713]

59 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

6 lessons? People are allowed to get their licence with only 6 lessons?

My kid has 75 hours and she's nowhere near ready to be driving without a supervisor! (In our state she has to have a minimum of 120 hours over two years, so she has 22 months to go anyway.)

The lessons are not mandatory, actually. In PA, they can get their permit after passing a written test and then they can take the license test 6 months later with 60 hours of practice. In NJ, it was mandatory to do 6 hours of lessons to get a permit at 16 and then you could test for your license at 17. 

42 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

We drove for months in a vacant parking lot until they were comfortable and competent enough to go on the road. I can’t imagine forcing someone to only have six lessons. 

I'm not forcing her to only have six lessons. I am forcing her to take the lessons and practice in a parking lot. I haven't taken her on the road yet. She's had three lessons with an instructor so far. One in a parking lot, one in a neighborhood, and one in both a neighborhood and a remote country road. I was hoping that she would be ready to practice on roads after the six lessons, but I think she will need more time with an actual instructor. 

 

13 minutes ago, ScoutTN said:

What they said. There is no rush. Not every kid is ready at 16. Mine were not.

She 17.5. I guess the frustrating thing is that I can't tell if she is really trying, because I know she is nervous and she would rather not drive. I just don't want her to be 20yo and still not have her license. 

[kristin0713]

35 minutes ago, kathyl said:

ETA:  I doubt she's truly "not teachable" or a "bad driver".  She's just not ready.

I'm sure she would say that she is not ready, but I think if she were motivated, she would be. By not teachable I mean that she is not responsive to instruction, like she doesn't have a teachable attitude. Not that she isn't capable of learning. 

[Rosie_0801]

I've always thought that driving was a matter of developmental readiness just like potty training and reading.

I didn't get my licence until after I'd moved out of home.

[Clarita]

I was super nervous and probably a bad driver when I first started at 15. (My mom was super motivated for me to be able to drive myself around at 16.) Empty parking lots are great, not a lot to crash into but there are lines to practice driving within the lines. My mom and her anxiety were the worst at teaching/practicing with, so I'd only really be able to do it with my dad.

I was a super nervous driver and that made steering hard because I was constantly over steering (even when driving straight or especially when driving straight). It was a game changer for me when my dad taught me to loosely hold the steering wheel instead of gripping it. He made me open my hands while steering and with my thumbs on the spokes of the steering wheel to feel what the car would do on its own (in a empty parking lot).

In terms of self motivation I didn't really like actual driving except my mom was very clear with me that she was DONE driving me. She found every opportunity to complain about it. Plus she had always been late to pick me up and drop me off to things since I was little so that was motivating.

[Starr]

Every day in a parking lot sounds good to me. I didn’t get my drivers license until I was in college but not everyone has friends who will teach you. Options in life are decreased without a license. Most of the US does not have reliable public transportation. 

[Garga]

I get what you mean by “unteachable.” My son simply wouldn’t listen to what I said. He would simply ignore my instructions or get angry at them. 

He was also very anxious about driving. He was learning to drive from age 16 until age 18.5 when he had to be able to drive himself to college, so it was 2.5 years before he was driving on his own. We were in the parking lot for a full 5 months before he was ready to get on a road. 

It’s not what you want to hear, but I can commiserate. We were about at our wits ends and finally decided to pay the money for lessons and then covid hit and lessons were cancelled. If covid hadn’t have hit and I knew then what I know now, I’d have paid for many lessons with an instructor. 

[fairfarmhand]

My slowest to learn driver is my safest. She just needed a ton of practice. Every day she drove somewhere. And finally she relaxed enough to learn. And she scored a perfect score on her drivers test. 
btw, there’s no rule that they have to drive at 16. Dd2 got her license at 16.75, dd3 didn’t get hers till she was 17.5

[fairfarmhand]

34 minutes ago, kristin0713 said:

I'm sure she would say that she is not ready, but I think if she were motivated, she would be. By not teachable I mean that she is not responsive to instruction, like she doesn't have a teachable attitude. Not that she isn't capable of learning. 

With my reluctant ones, I made them drive anywhere they needed/wanted to go. Friends house? You’re driving. Work? You’re driving. Music lessons? It’s on you babe! 

[LaughingCat]

Our drivers ed would not let them come to another lesson with instructor until after a certain # of hours practice (with the parent or whoever had agreed to be the primary adult) and anyways I can't imagine paying instructor for the many hours of practice time older needed.  

DH wouldn't drive with older at all either. Heading into it again next year (and feeling way more stressed since I didn't understand what I was getting into the first time). 

It was a lot of me sitting in the car with her (while freaking out and trying not to show it too much).  Starting by parking lot, and then going round and round in our small neighborhood. Then she would drive to end of our neighborhood every time we'd leave and same coming back in (switching drivers).  Then moving up to nearest place we regularly visit. It was all about lots of repeated practice on very simple streets, and only very slowly adding a little more.  Got her license at 18 (mostly due to COVID which set her way back since we didn't go anywhere for a long time).

[Mona]

My dd didn’t want to learn how to drive. She was nervous. I don’t think she ever had a desire to drive. She finally realized one day that she needed to be able to go places without having to rely on someone else to take her. That’s when she was ready to get serious about learning how to drive. I think she was 18. I talked her through many trips in the car starting in the parking lot, and we finally made it to the on/off ramps of the highway and checking her mirrors before changing lanes. It’s been a long journey. She’s 19! She is finally ready to take her road test. 

There’s hope! 

[elegantlion]

57 minutes ago, kristin0713 said:

 I just don't want her to be 20yo and still not have her license. 

My son did not get his license until he was 20 or nearly 20, I can't remember right now. It was inconvienent at times but not devastating. He simply had no desire to learn. He's now 25 and is a careful and cautious driver. I'm frankly glad he waited. It made insurance cheaper and he was more mature and less anxious. 

I would consider what your above statement really means. How will waiting inconvience you or her. Will she feel less mature if she doesn't get her license now? I mean, honestly, there is no harm in waiting because nervous and inexperienced drivers can be a hazard. If they're not ready, they're not ready. 

[Lecka]

Edit:  my 18yo son didn’t want to learn, and then now he does.  He takes his written test this Tuesday.  
 

I edited — but my son did suddenly decide he was ready to learn, after really dragging his feet on it.  
 

And, it will be inconvenient for him to not be able to drive, in the Fall.  It’s just going to be inconvenient, but he didn’t care until the time got closer.

 

 

 

Edited June 3, 2023 by Lecka

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 hour ago, kristin0713 said:

The lessons are not mandatory, actually. In PA, they can get their permit after passing a written test and then they can take the license test 6 months later with 60 hours of practice. In NJ, it was mandatory to do 6 hours of lessons to get a permit at 16 and then you could test for your license at 17. 

I'm not forcing her to only have six lessons. I am forcing her to take the lessons and practice in a parking lot. I haven't taken her on the road yet. She's had three lessons with an instructor so far. One in a parking lot, one in a neighborhood, and one in both a neighborhood and a remote country road. I was hoping that she would be ready to practice on roads after the six lessons, but I think she will need more time with an actual instructor. 

 

She 17.5. I guess the frustrating thing is that I can't tell if she is really trying, because I know she is nervous and she would rather not drive. I just don't want her to be 20yo and still not have her license. 

What people are trying to tell you is that if someone is nervous, taking your time is the way to go. You need to take the pressure off,   Even if it’s unspoken to her, she might still be picking up on your impatience and frustration.   
 

She had one lesson in a parking lot. People are pointing out that their young adults had months of lessons in parking lots. 

[barnwife]

Well, I think learning to drive takes a lot longer than many (most?) people think. 

And after reading the stories in this thread I laugh even more about my first experience driving. My dad took me to get my permit and stopped at the gas station on the way home to get milk. Then he said "you're driving home."

A. I wasn't expecting that. I was more expecting empty parking lot practice.
B. That meant I had to back out of where we were parked in a decently busy parking lot.
C. I was terrified to do it. But I was more terrified that if I didn't, my dad would refuse to give me another chance for a long time.
D. We were in a Chevy Astro van, not a small car.

So yes, my first driving experience was not ideal. But I did it. I was so relieved to get the van safely onto the road I wanted to cry.

And, remembering that, I plan to have ours practice in parking lots forever and ever amen. 
 

[SKL]

It was a while before I allowed my youngest out of my cul-de-sac.  I am still nowhere close to letting her drive on a freeway.  But she is improving.

Patience.

When I learned to drive, the behind-the-wheel requirements were near zero.  I don't think I had more than 15 minutes with an instructor (though I drove a lot with my brother before I passed the driving test).  Now, my state requires 50 hours with the parent + 8 hours with an instructor.  That's about right for some kids; others just need more.

I keep telling my kids that it's not a contest.  We simply have to make the time to practice.

My friend keeps saying I should sign her up for more instructor hours, but my kid gets so nervous with the instructors.  At least she can learn from me without freaking out.  (Whether I freak out is another question.  :P)

[LaughingCat]

🤣 I also got no instruction from my parents -- thrown right into drivers ed (which was through the school system & the first day, the instructor informed us was just a final check that our parents had taught us to drive correctly!) --then first time driving with her was on highway (small town with pretty much no other cars thankfully!). After she assigned me some hours and both parents refused to drive with me.  Only managed to drive with my older brother rarely so it took 2 years because I was too honest to lie about the hours (most places were only a 5-10 min drive away).

Drivers test was basically just driving around the block thankfully -- otherwise, I'm sure I would have failed it. 

Which is all why I just dealt with the hours of driving with older - especially after DH refused to drive with her.

[Scarlett]

I grew up in AR where you can get your permit at 14 and DL at 16.  I think the 2 years of supervision is great.  I don’t recall knowing anyone who was a reluctant driver like I see these days.  It is a very strange phenomenon IMO.  I got my permit the day I turned 14 and my license the day I turned 16.  That very day I drive myself to town and I still remember the thrill.  
 

I agree driving is a very serious undertaking, but I am still perplexed by the number of kids who just don’t care about it. 

[Lecka]

I was a little reluctant, but I hid it because I was embarrassed.  I also really did not have support from my family.  
 

It turns out there was some misunderstanding because the school’s drivers Ed program changed between my older sisters and I, and my family could not comprehend it had changed.  
 

The school changed to only offer drivers ed during the summer, and they prioritized enrollment by birth date.  This was during a transition to private driving lessons.  
 

I had a summer birthday and couldn’t get a spot in drivers ed until I had already turned 16.

 

Other classmates in this situation, mostly seemed to have their parents set up private lessons for them.  
 

Anyway, everyone in my family thought I just didn’t want to drive and couldn’t understand there was no longer drivers ed offered during the school year.  
 

I remember it as — I took care of all the details and my parents seemed pretty checked out.  But apparently they thought I was just choosing not to sign up for drivers Ed.  
 

Anyway, I cared!  I was late getting my license, though.  But I doubt any of my friends knew, I didn’t bring it up!!!!!!!  They just thought I didn’t have a car, or wasn’t able to borrow a car, which was no big deal.  

[Ausmumof3]

I want to encourage you to persist with it. I took a very long time to learn and eventually only got my license when pregnant with my second child out of necessity. It was quite life-limiting and even now I have trouble thinking I can just make plans to do something. 
 

What helped was driving a lot with my sis who was calm and competent and finding a calm competent driving instructor who explained things step by step.  I did a bit with my Dad who was panicky, and had lessons with a lady who basically chatted and didn’t teach, a couple of lessons with a man who just laughed and said I was dancing all over the road and lessons with a driving instructor from the UK who taught me some weird habits that it later turns out were based on UK driving rules not Australian ones… not so helpful.

The other thing that helped, not with learning to drive, but with driving more unfamiliar places was driving with GPS on. Turns out I get panicky about navigating and just knowing that  if I miss a turn I will get rerouted really helps.

[Ausmumof3]

23 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I grew up in AR where you can get your permit at 14 and DL at 16.  I think the 2 years of supervision is great.  I don’t recall knowing anyone who was a reluctant driver like I see these days.  It is a very strange phenomenon IMO.  I got my permit the day I turned 14 and my license the day I turned 16.  That very day I drive myself to town and I still remember the thrill.  
 

I agree driving is a very serious undertaking, but I am still perplexed by the number of kids who just don’t care about it. 

I think in many places traffic is much busier and more stressful, the licensing process (here at least) is more rigorous, and awareness around fatalities is so much higher. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I think in many places traffic is much busier and more stressful, the licensing process (here at least) is more rigorous, and awareness around fatalities is so much higher. 

Yes, this is a good point.   I grew up in a town of 5000.  Lots of danger from curvy roads and forest cliffs but not a lot of traffic.  However, I am currently in a small town in OK with no curves and no mountains and I still see a lot of reluctant drivers.  There had been some sort of shift,  

[Mom_to3]

5 hours ago, Katy said:

Can someone else drive with her? My mom was so tense I could NOT learn with her in the car. And the more she gasped and shrieked and freaked out at NOTHING the worse I drove. I had to get other family members to help. 

I have to admit I laughed at your writing here - I can imagine it so well. And ahhh; no I am not finishing this thread - we still have a few years to go. 

[sweet2ndchance]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I grew up in AR where you can get your permit at 14 and DL at 16.  I think the 2 years of supervision is great.  I don’t recall knowing anyone who was a reluctant driver like I see these days.  It is a very strange phenomenon IMO.  I got my permit the day I turned 14 and my license the day I turned 16.  That very day I drive myself to town and I still remember the thrill.  
 

I agree driving is a very serious undertaking, but I am still perplexed by the number of kids who just don’t care about it. 

Arkansas law has changed a little bit. You can get a learner's permit at 14 still but you have to have a clean driving record (no serious tickets or at-fault accidents) for 6 months prior AND 16 years old to get your intermediate license which allows you to drive a non-commercial vehicle unaccompanied, so personal cars and trucks only. When you are 18 you can get an unrestricted license if you have a clean driving record for 1 year prior. The intermediate license is actually visually different from an unrestricted license. It is portrait format instead of landscape. While I'll agree AR is still pretty lax compared to many states, they did change their license system in 2009 to try and make it a little more stringent.

https://www.dfa.arkansas.gov/driver-services/license-id-and-permits/graduated-licenses/learners-and-intermediate-license

In the mid 90s when I was in high school, I was in AZ which at the time required driver's ed before you could get your permit. You took driver's ed as a one semester class in school when you turned 15. Most people took the class in high school but not all. If you didn't take driver's ed as a high school class, you had to take it as a paid class through a driving school.

I've actually known quite a few people who didn't have licenses for one reason or another as an adult. My ex-mil still doesn't have a license and she is in her 60s now. She was just always too nervous behind the wheel. Now she lives in a very walkable community as a result.

[Kuovonne]

Some learners need a scope-and-sequence that breaks things down into smaller incremental skills and goes at a slower pace with lots more repetition.

For my reluctant driver, I found that shorter lessons with less pressure were better. Some behind-the-wheel sessions were only 15 minutes, with the first several minutes spent on her psyching herself up. Most of our sessions were 30 minutes or less, at which point she was emotionally and mentally done. An hour long session would have been overwhelming for my DD.

I also started my DD out in the parking lot of a dead mall with faded markings. A side benefit was that there were no lane markers to deal with. DD could get the feel of starting, stopping, and turning without having to think about staying in a lane. We didn’t add in trying to stay in a lane until she felt she was ready (which was long after I thought she could, but I promised her that she didn’t have to attempt anything that she didn’t feel ready to try).

[Laura Corin]

One of mine persevered and got his licence but hasn't driven since. He rarely drove alone. The other one said she wanted to stop learning.  They both chose universities where they didn't need to drive and have chosen/will choose to live in walkable cities with public transport. They may learn/re-learn later, but many young British people are not learning. 

I think it's good to give your daughter lots of support to learn if she wants to, but it might be worth asking her if her future plans include driving.

[heartlikealion]

Don’t rush it just because you’re ready. 

I was not interested in getting mine. I had a ton of anxiety (for me it was intersections where some had short light changes). 

I waited til my senior year of high school to take Driver’s Ed. It was one semester and we barely did any actual driving. We took turns with classmates. 

My dad gave up trying to teach me stick shift. He’d tell me I was scraping the gears. Now I have no way to learn as no access to a stick shift vehicle.

My mom was super nervous beside me in the car. 

Definitely see if there’s someone else that can practice with her. Maybe even postpone driving if she’s not ready. It’s like what I did with writing and ds. Every child is different. 

[Soror]

8 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

My slowest to learn driver is my safest. She just needed a ton of practice. Every day she drove somewhere. And finally she relaxed enough to learn. And she scored a perfect score on her drivers test. 
btw, there’s no rule that they have to drive at 16. Dd2 got her license at 16.75, dd3 didn’t get hers till she was 17.5

My dd1 was anxious about learning to drive and I thought she might delay it, considering the circumstances but she's ended up a very solid driver. She got her permit at 15 yr 3 months and her license the day she turned 16. She scored a 94 on her test- she took 2 tries to parallel park and forgot her blinker coming out of her parking on the hill. I did not rush her at all through the stages we waited until she was ready to move to the next one. Once she got close to permit age I started narrating when I drove--- what I was doing, what other drivers were doing, what to watch for etc. I never, ever screamed or yelled. Now, with her she was the one that had to be ready to move on from each step as she was anxious and cautious with my son I was the one that had to hold him back a bit as he was rearing to go. She is an extremely cautious driver. My son is a good driver too but he is not extremely cautious. He did have one wreck at nearly 17- playing Tokyo drift in the school parking lot and hit a light pole with the side of his car. No one was injured. However, he's also drove over 40,000 miles since he's got his license without no other incident.

I wouldn't judge her as a bad driver yet. She's barely had any experience. I agree with others too if you are too nervous to be with her it needs to be dad or someone else. My dad was horrible at teaching me to drive. I got my license at 17 but I was still crazy nervous, wrecked 2 weeks later in the bigger town and then only drove in our little town and the neighboring one for the next year. My husband taught me to drive a stick shift before we got married at 20.

My kids drive nearly every day when they get their permit- ds had his for a year and dd for 9 months. Most kids don't get near the practice they should driving. They have well over a hundred hours of practice before they get their license. 

[Ottakee]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, this is a good point.   I grew up in a town of 5000.  Lots of danger from curvy roads and forest cliffs but not a lot of traffic.  However, I am currently in a small town in OK with no curves and no mountains and I still see a lot of reluctant drivers.  There had been some sort of shift,  

I agree.   When I was getting my license, mid 80s everyone I knew took drivers training and got their license right away.   
 

Part of it might have been that parents did not drive us around.  We rode to school with juniors and seniors and other than that we were home or walking/biking to places.

I grew up rural poor and most of my friends had been working quite a bit since age 11/12 and had saved up money to buy their own car by 16….and pay their own Insurance and gas.

[ScoutTN]

Agreeing that if you are the more nervous parent, have your Dh be the instructor. My Dh is a much better driving teacher than I am, calm and super patient. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

Both of my DD’s struggled with driving and delayed until 18 getting a license.
 

For those who say “let her ride with DH”. 
With oldest DD, he kept saying “it can’t be that bad and making fun of me for saying it was awful” and he went with her once. Once. Then he said “I’m not doing that.” She eventually caught on. Sophomore year of college she really wanted the freedom to have a car on campus and come home. So she was 20 when she really started driving independently and she’s 24 now. She still doesn’t prefer to drive but she can. 

Youngest went into it more brave, then within the first week she was in an accident and wouldn’t get back behind the wheel. To make it worse, she became a personal injury paralegal, looking at accident cases all day long. It made her fears worse. She didn’t drive again until more recently. Her DH has pushed her more to drive. She’s also decided she’s tired of relying on him to get her places. She’s doing better. She’s 20.

So maybe 20 will be the magic age for your dd too lol. 

[teachermom2834]

OP, I don’t think you are wrong for wanting your dd to drive even though she is reluctant. Sometimes our kids need a push to do things that are necessary or good and appropriate for them. You know the situation and it isn’t necessarily wrong to push her along if that is what you feel is right. But- it just takes as long as it takes. And it can be a long and frustrating experience. 
 

I do see alot of kids waiting to drive for various reasons. For some it isn’t a sign of immaturity - they are demonstrating maturity and initiative and responsibility in other areas and there are valid reasons not to drive or it just isn’t a need or priority. That doesn’t concern me. I see another group of kids though, primarily boys, that don’t drive and it is a set of kids that just aren’t really taking responsibility or initiative in much of anything and are struggling in general and driving their parents crazy because they aren’t doing the growing up things. I was a ball of stress with my teen boy drivers but if I had one in the latter category I probably would have forced the driving issue too. But again, they have to be safe ( or as safe as is reasonable for a newish driver) and it just takes as long as it takes. 

Edited June 3, 2023 by teachermom2834

[Terabith]

Both of my kids got their license shortly before 18.  Honestly, neither of them are what I consider a good driver. My oldest is willing to drive but is a weird combination of both aggressive and anxious that makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I told my husband he had to teach them to drive because I could not.  They do have a clean driving record and drove themselves to and from school most of senior year and drive on college break. 
 

I am much more confident in my youngest’s driving, but she herself hates it and feels incredibly stressed driving. She can’t really think about multiple things at once, and she thinks she really shouldn’t drive.  Her working memory is documented to be cripplingly low.  I think she does fine but I really should make her practice more.   
 

Honestly, I didn’t really get comfortable driving in anything other than small towns until I was 26 or so.  I learned to drive basically in small town South Dakota, where my parents rightfully didn’t let me drive much in winter.  Then I went to college where I didn’t have a car till senior year and even then rarely needed to drive.  We moved to Colorado, but my bad sense of direction and lack of gps meant I only drove to and from a few places most of the time.  It wasn’t till I moved to San Antonio and had to drive a ton that I got more confident.  I still don’t consider myself a great driver but I’m cautious enough that I do okay.  

[wintermom]

Maybe the pressure of being on a public road, with all the distractions and stress are impacting her ability to learn. Could you take her to a go-cart track and allow her to focus on steering and turning in an isolated, open-air vehicle, with far fewer distractions. The go carts are super fun, too. Driving should have elements of enjoyment or at least positive feelings. There are certainly enough negative factors when driving that will take away from the fun parts. 

[fairfarmhand]

11 minutes ago, wintermom said:

Maybe the pressure of being on a public road, with all the distractions and stress are impacting her ability to learn. Could you take her to a go-cart track and allow her to focus on steering and turning in an isolated, open-air vehicle, with far fewer distractions. The go carts are super fun, too. Driving should have elements of enjoyment or at least positive feelings. There are certainly enough negative factors when driving that will take away from the fun parts. 

Yeah I think just learning to handle a vehicle forwards and backwards is so helpful. My oldest 2 learned to cut grass on a traditional lawn mower so handling a vehicle wasn’t quite so nerve wracking for them. They had a knack for backing up and steering and all. But my dd3 only ever cut grass wi  th a zero turn mower and wow it seemed to make a big difference in how she perceived handling a car.

[athena1277]

My oldest is not a good driver.  She has always stayed away from anything she perceived she could get hurt.  She can barely ride a bike because she’s scared she’ll fall.  Even in her first 2 years of college, if she was home and I made her drive a little, she protested like I was doing something horrible to her.  
 

Two things have happened that have finally made her want to learn.  One is that she was diagnosed with anxiety and the doctor has worked with her the last several months to get her on the right medication.  This has made her calmer when driving.  The other thing is that my grandfather died and we inherited his car.  She wants to take it to college next year (which isn’t happening because now ds needs it to get to DE classes, but she thinks she can change my mind).  She is finally driving without complaining.  She still needs lots and lots of practice.  Just last week I finally let her drive to work by herself.  It’s less than 2 miles, only 45mph.  She isn’t allowed to drive anywhere else alone because she really doesn’t know what she’s doing.  But she is finally making progress.

 I had no idea what it would take to get her driving when we started out.  Maybe one of those will help someone else.