Help me navigate this...

[bodiesmom]

Edited for privacy

Thank you everyone ❤️

 

Edited August 31, 2022 by bodiesmom

[Katy]

No advice, but lots of hugs. I’m so sorry. 

[Ali in OR]

I have no experience but I have the same gut reaction you're having. You need to protect yourself. If I could figure out how to get half of any savings immediately into an account in my name only I would be doing that. And yeah, I would lawyer up and expect an ugly battle just to protect what is rightfully mine and also to protect my kids as much as possible. I'm so sorry. Peace and strength to you.

[Soror]

So many hugs. Just bumping this for the ladies who have btdt experience and can give you some wise words of advice.

[Danae]

Lawyer.  Lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer.  Don’t agree to anything, including meditation, without getting advice from your lawyer.  

[Soror]

1 minute ago, Ali in OR said:

I have no experience but I have the same gut reaction you're having. You need to protect yourself. If I could figure out how to get half of any savings immediately into an account in my name only I would be doing that. And yeah, I would lawyer up and expect an ugly battle just to protect what is rightfully mine and also to protect my kids as much as possible. I'm so sorry. Peace and strength to you.

I was thinking the same but hesitant to say that without experience to back that up.

[itsheresomewhere]

Do not move out.  Talk to a lawyer.  And treat yourself to something you haven’t done in a while ( fine chocolate, rare meal at a place, etc). You need that whatever it is now. 
 

 

[KSera]

I am so sorry. I have no advice but agree with the don’t move out and definitely lawyer. I’m concerned about how you can protect enough assets in case he makes horrible money decisions right now, but have no idea what is and isn’t legal, so will leave that for the lawyers. I’m sorry you and your kids are going through this. 

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, KSera said:

I am so sorry. I have no advice but agree with the don’t move out and definitely lawyer. I’m concerned about how you can protect enough assets in case he makes horrible money decisions right now, but have no idea what is and isn’t legal, so will leave that for the lawyers. I’m sorry you and your kids are going through this. 

This is what I wanted to say.  I'm so sorry.  

[Kanin]

Sending you a million hugs. I can't even imagine this level of stress and sadness.

Also, I have no experience with lawyers, but... I would totally call the closest attorney and get in there ASAP. You need someone who understands all of these legalities inside and out. 

When DH and I bought our house, I had to call a lawyer for something totally trivial related to the purchase. I was really nervous because I thought "attorneys" were just scary for some reason. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that attorneys are just normal nice people (at least the two I talked to were). 

[whitestavern]

30 minutes ago, Danae said:

Lawyer.  Lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer.  Don’t agree to anything, including meditation, without getting advice from your lawyer.  

I work for a law firm. Try to get your attorney on the phone prior to your meeting. Tell him what’s going on and try to get some advice. 

[fairfarmhand]

Lawyer.

Be open to two or three friends and a few close family members, You will will need strong support systems. 

It looks like this is completely over. As brutal as this is, accept that. Do not fall into the trap of "let's talk," etc. He's told you what he wants. Do not play nice. He's not going to reward you for it, you will get screwed. Don't turn into a witch. But yes, you do need to start being a bit "sneaky" Don't agree to anything, but don't put all of your cards on the table either. Don't tell him what you are thinking. Don't tell him what you plan. 

If you can start squirrelling away cash even in small amounts, do that. Take $30 cash out of debit card transactions at the grocery and deposit it with a trusted friend. If you sell used curriculum or used clothing on Craigslist, put that cash into your private bank, 

Gather together everything your ds will need for school in the next few years. If theres a possibility he will have to go to school, go ahead and put together his portfolios, test reports, etc. Having that organized will give you peace of mind. If you think he will still be able to be homeschooled but it will just have to look different, research your options for co-ops, open and go curricula, DVD or online schools, etc. 

[Jaybee]

4 minutes ago, whitestavern said:

I work for a law firm. Try to get your attorney on the phone prior to your meeting. Tell him what’s going on and try to get some advice. 

I don't know a lot about these things, but this definitely sounds wise. ASAP. I am so so sorry about all this.

[TechWife]

No personal experience here, just an idea. Can you call the attorney’s office where you have the appointment and ask to talk to someone about immediate steps you can take to protect assets as he is already talking about accessing them for his convenience and benefit? 

[Heartstrings]

48 minutes ago, Ali in OR said:

I have no experience but I have the same gut reaction you're having. You need to protect yourself. If I could figure out how to get half of any savings immediately into an account in my name only I would be doing that. And yeah, I would lawyer up and expect an ugly battle just to protect what is rightfully mine and also to protect my kids as much as possible. I'm so sorry. Peace and strength to you.

This.  You have as much right to that money as he does.  Go TODAY and move half of the savings and checking into brand new accounts with your name only.  Keep records, don’t try to hide it, but DO IT.   
 

Also gather records showing the balance to any and all investments and debts, including 401k and that HELOC.  
 

Retain the communications where he says he’s just going to take all of it.  Stop talking to him about this stuff, text or email ONLY so you have records.  
 

Edited August 25, 2022 by Heartstrings

[Lecka]

Can you call the bank about the HELOC?  I have no idea but wondered about that, since your name is on it, too?  
 

I’m so sorry.  

[TechWife]

5 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Can you call the bank about the HELOC?  I have no idea but wondered about that, since your name is on it, too?  
 

I’m so sorry.  

Excellent idea. I know HELOCs can be frozen.  I’m not sure if all parties are required to agree to the freeze. It’s definitely worth the phone call. You may have to go to the bank in person to sign a form. 

[Heartstrings]

2 minutes ago, TechWife said:

Excellent idea. I know HELOCs can be frozen.  I’m not sure if all parties are required to agree to the freeze. It’s definitely worth the phone call. You may have to go to the bank in person to sign a form. 

If it can’t be frozen I would be tempted to take all or half of the available amount out and just stick it in a savings account.  That’s not legal advice, just what I would do.  If he can access it to fund his new single lifestyle, so can the wife.  

[Arcadia]

4 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Can you call the bank about the HELOC?  I have no idea but wondered about that, since your name is on it, too?  
 

She could probably inform the bank about the situation but it is up to the bank whether they freeze the HELOC.

Also, her name may not be on the HELOC. My name is on the property deed but only my husband’s name was on the mortgage and HELOC because I am a SAHM with no income. 
 

As for OP, a lawyer would be essential and don’t agree to mediate. My uncle had a wonderfully amiable divorce and his ex-wife remains friendly with us. That kind of divorce doesn’t need a lawyer. My cousin on the other hand had to deal with not only a conniving ex-wife  but also the ex-MIL. My aunts found him an experienced divorce lawyer. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

(((Hugs)))  I’m so sorry 

He doesn’t sound like he’s open to true mediation. He’s hopeful that he can do whatever the heck he wants and you’ll have no one to protect you. Don’t fall for it. I agree with what others have said about keeping records, saving communication, and limiting what you tell him. It’s all half yours so def open another savings and move half of it all there. If you can’t freeze the HELOC then consider drawing half and putting into your savings, the one you create where he has no access. 

Edited August 26, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Tiberia]

I agree with all those who say protect yourself, get a lawyer, and start securing your future now. He's going to bleed everything dry as he tries to figure things out. He doesn't care about you and the kids. He told you that; believe him.

He may have a new honey on the side, or he may just have tipped to the non-covert narcissistic traits, or both. Protect yourself and your children. Take action now.

[Corraleno]

As freaked out and angry as I'm sure you are, you need to "be the duck" — look like you're just floating along as calm as can be, while paddling furiously below the surface where he can't see. 

Lawyer up ASAP, but don't tell him. Borrow money from a friend or relative for the initial consultation so he doesn't see it come out of the checking account. Let him think you're considering mediation, you just need time to think about it. Stall as much as you can while you get your ducks in a row.

Ask the lawyer exactly what your rights are and what kind of settlement you're likely to get in your specific area with the judges he or she normally deals with. For example, in my previous state, additional rights kicked in after being married for 20 years and the lawyer said I would likely have been awarded alimony as well as child support if I wanted it, but I chose a lump-sum settlement instead. I also could have kept the house until the kids were older, but the kids and I really wanted to move to another state by that point.

Move half of any savings or investments to a separate account in your name only, and continue to pay regular family expenses out of the joint account. Every time you go grocery shopping, throw in a prepaid VISA or store card and keep it somewhere safe, so you can still buy food and essentials in case he suddenly cleans out the joint checking account.

Make sure you have dated copies of the balances in all accounts, including any retirement accounts, and monitor them like a hawk. 

Is your name on the HELOC? If so, talk to the bank and see what your options are. If you can freeze it, do that; if not, consider taking out half and putting it aside. 

Sending lots of hugs and "you can do this" encouragement, from someone who's BTDT.

[bodiesmom]

Thank you EVERYONE for your hugs, shared experiences, and words of wisdom. My apologies for posting and ditching...I've been out securing a separate checking account with extra funds in in it. I also contacted several more attorneys as well as therapists. 

My name is indeed on the HELOC. 

Thank you for the reminder to stash cash away during grocery trips and curriculum selling. It seems so obvious but...my mind is very scattered at the moment. Also, good reminder on keeping all future communication regarding the impending divorce in writing, especially given his NPD traits concerning communication. 

My heart is full of love and gratitude towards you all, but my mind is short on words. Please know how much each and every post means to me at this...insane period of time. ❤️

[fairfarmhand]

58 minutes ago, bodiesmom said:

Thank you EVERYONE for your hugs, shared experiences, and words of wisdom. My apologies for posting and ditching...I've been out securing a separate checking account with extra funds in in it. I also contacted several more attorneys as well as therapists. 

My name is indeed on the HELOC. 

Thank you for the reminder to stash cash away during grocery trips and curriculum selling. It seems so obvious but...my mind is very scattered at the moment. Also, good reminder on keeping all future communication regarding the impending divorce in writing, especially given his NPD traits concerning communication. 

My heart is full of love and gratitude towards you all, but my mind is short on words. Please know how much each and every post means to me at this...insane period of time. ❤️

Goodness you owe us nothing, and I’m sure we all understand that you’re in a whirlwind of activity to protect yourself and your kids not to mention the emotions of All this. We understand if you can’t update as often as you’d like.

[Melissa in Australia]

Huge hugs

[kbutton]

6 hours ago, whitestavern said:

I work for a law firm. Try to get your attorney on the phone prior to your meeting. Tell him what’s going on and try to get some advice. 

Yes! Most give a free consultation and are super nice. 

1 hour ago, Corraleno said:

Make sure you have dated copies of the balances in all accounts, including any retirement accounts, and monitor them like a hawk. 

Our bank allows us to set up alerts through online banking. The mobile app has more settings that the regular site. Some accounts I set a really low threshold because I use my debit card a lot and want to know my balance daily without having to login.

Hugs!

[Alicia64]

8 hours ago, Danae said:

Lawyer.  Lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer lawyer.  Don’t agree to anything, including meditation, without getting advice from your lawyer.  

Exactly. Of course he wants mediation. . . and funny how everything would turn out in his favor. That's not a no, that's a H**l-no!! (I mean, think it. Don't say it.) Being a duck -- looking smooth on top while kicking furiously -- is awesome advice.)

I'm so angry on your behalf. I don't have experience in this, but I did see a friend go through it. She was instructed not to leave the family home. I can't remember what could happen, but leaving the family home -- in CA -- was a big no. So let him go to his house.

I don't think he's allowed to just empty money accounts. But I could be wrong. He sounds like he's accustomed to pushing you around.

Be cordial, calm and business-like with him.

I'm so mad for you and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Dealing with a covert narcissist is no little thing.

Edited August 26, 2022 by Alicia64
spelling

[Alicia64]

My husband seems to think that you can close or at least freeze the HELOC. If he does take money out of the HELOC, he'd eventually have to pay you back but that could take a lot of time to get the money back.

Hugs. ♥♥♥

[fraidycat]

I'm sorry.

I have no experience, but just want to reiterate the advice already given. Protect your cash and assets. Lawyer up NOW, and stay in the house until a judge tells you differently. All communication in writing - ignore his calls and text or email him back to find out what he wants.

Big hugs.

[footballmom]

Hugs, hugs, hugs.  Next, set up as many lawyer consults as you can - he can’t retain anyone you’ve consulted with.  Think back on if anyone feels like they got taken to the cleaners by an ex’s attorney - and hire that person.  Third, know all of your accounts, gain access to them, document balances and transaction histories for the last several months and run credit reports.  You may want to find out if you can request his cell phone call history too…

[Hen]

OP,  {{{hugs}}}.  I am so sorry, and he sounds stinky, the situation he is putting you in is stinky.  Take care of you and the kids, and be the duck....that was really good advice. 

 

 

[Ellie]

I am so terribly sorry. 😞

I also have no personal experience; I'm sad to say, however, that I have many friends who do, and they would all tell you to get an attorney right now. Protect yourself, because I promise that your soon-to-be ex is no longer looking out for your interests, and not even for the children's. I would also be pretty sure there's Another Woman involved, and not only will she not be looking out for you but she will be pushing him to look out for her, and he will.

[Laura Corin]

Hugs to you. 

[katilac]

3 hours ago, Ellie said:

I would also be pretty sure there's Another Woman involved, and not only will she not be looking out for you but she will be pushing him to look out for her, and he will.

Yes. The speed at which this is occurring points to that very strongly. Remember this when he wants you to play nice. If you're in a state where this could work in your favor, it's worth investigating (ask your lawyer). 

I would also doubt he really wants to plow through savings and HELOC to pay rent. He's setting something up to hide money. 

Absolute no to mediation. It only works if both parties are, at a minimum, cooperative and truthful. He is being neither. I wouldn't tell him this right away, though. It's in your best interests to let him think it's a possibility until the very last minute. 

Do not move out on his say-so. That is something for the lawyers to deal with. 

Definitely listen to @whitestavernand call your lawyer's office, let them know dh is trying to move fast and spend fast. 

Also agree with trying to borrow money or otherwise make the first consultations with the lawyer invisible to dh. 

Ask your lawyer if you can put a freeze on any joint credit cards with a high limit. 

He is not even being marginally kind to your kids, so I think it's safe to say he's going to be a complete jerk about the divorce overall. 

It will be a very difficult time, but at least the kids are all close to age (so you won't have to co-parent for long) and you will come out better for it in the end. 

 

[Lecka]

I have seen several situations where the husband just disdains the kids, but then turns it around that the wife turned the kids against him, and then that is just a reason to be bitter towards the wife, and then that doesn’t do anything for the kids’ opinion, but it ends with the man thinking that all the things not going how he wants are the wife’s fault.  
 

Even if the man initiated the divorce!  It can be turned around to be the wife’s fault.

 

When I have seen it not be this way, even when the man initiated the divorce and was cheating, he did think about his kids and he didn’t do the things people do when they just think their wife is horrible and the kids are spoiled brats.  
 

This sounds like he is already turned against the kids.  
 

 

And then if it “can’t” be that he is acting in a selfish, thoughtless way, it must be that the kids are spoiled brats and need some “hard life lessons” and it must be his wife is horrible.

 

He is not acting how men act very early, who are still wanting to do the things they can to maintain their relationship with their kids and leave the divorce with some degree of honor and dignity.  
 

What I have seen too, the one I have seen where the man cheated but still was decent to his wife through the divorce and thinks about the effect on his kids and feels bad about it…. Now did it stop him from cheating and leaving his wife, no, it did not…… but his wife was a difficult person.

 

The ones where I have seen the husband just turn on his family — the wives were so nice, and not difficult at all, and made a nice home for everyone.  
 

Anyway — I hope there is some hope for you guys, but it just comes across like he has already mentally decided he is done, and that everyone is an impediment to him.  
 

I hope whatever can be salvaged will be, and relationships with children, etc, but if he is unilaterally going one way, I hope you can act for your interests and those of your children.  
 

Because if his shiny new life doesn’t go how he wants he sounds like the type to blame it all on his ex-wife, and think his kids are spoiled brats but it’s all his ex-wife’s fault, that she ruined them and sabotaged his relationship with the children.

 

When that is not the case at all.

 

My husband hears stuff like this at work.  
 

Many people have no self-reflection.   

[Home'scool]

Hugs to you. It sounds like he is being a real a**hat about things.

Get a lawyer asap. Not a mediator. He is not willing to meet you half way, so do not even waste your time on a mediator (ask me how I know!) It will just give him more time to make his plans.

I believe that a husband cannot force you out of the family home until your youngest has graduated high school. You may have to compensate him for that, but look into that aspect.

If he has narcissistic tendencies you need to STOP asking him for things and start making your own plans. Do not believe a word he says. From this point on he will try to manipulate, shame or coerce you into a position that is good for him. And narcissists just love when you ask them for things --- it allows them to punish you.

Can you take a chunk out of savings (maybe 50%?) and just hold it for you? I did that with my ex and it was the best decision I made. He had just shut down access to our joint money and without taking that chunk of money I would have had NO money.

He moved into a $4,000 a month condo while I had to move in with my sister. He did not want to pay me ANYTHING. Without my sister I would not have been able to afford an apartment. You may find yourself surprised how awful and how low he will go. It's best to prepare for this. It is like once they decide they are done with you, they literally want you to walk of the edge of the earth and not bother them anymore. 

I'm sorry to sound harsh but I just finished going thru a 5 year divorce with a narcissist (he is actually still fighting me on stuff!)

Fight for yourself and don't let your guard down. Eventually your heart will get over him but your living situation will go on. Make it the best you can.

My divorce is why I have the tattoo "She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom" - The Scarlet Letter

 

[Ellie]

46 minutes ago, Home'scool said:

Hugs to you. It sounds like he is being a real a**hat about things.

Get a lawyer asap. Not a mediator. He is not willing to meet you half way, so do not even waste your time on a mediator (ask me how I know!) It will just give him more time to make his plans.

I believe that a husband cannot force you out of the family home until your youngest has graduated high school. You may have to compensate him for that, but look into that aspect.

If he has narcissistic tendencies you need to STOP asking him for things and start making your own plans. Do not believe a word he says. From this point on he will try to manipulate, shame or coerce you into a position that is good for him. And narcissists just love when you ask them for things --- it allows them to punish you.

Can you take a chunk out of savings (maybe 50%?) and just hold it for you? I did that with my ex and it was the best decision I made. He had just shut down access to our joint money and without taking that chunk of money I would have had NO money.

He moved into a $4,000 a month condo while I had to move in with my sister. He did not want to pay me ANYTHING. Without my sister I would not have been able to afford an apartment. You may find yourself surprised how awful and how low he will go. It's best to prepare for this. It is like once they decide they are done with you, they literally want you to walk of the edge of the earth and not bother them anymore. 

I'm sorry to sound harsh but I just finished going thru a 5 year divorce with a narcissist (he is actually still fighting me on stuff!)

Fight for yourself and don't let your guard down. Eventually your heart will get over him but your living situation will go on. Make it the best you can.

My divorce is why I have the tattoo "She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom" - The Scarlet Letter

 

Sadly, I have heard the same kinds of things from almost all of my divorced friends. 😞

[Arcadia]

9 hours ago, katilac said:

I would also doubt he really wants to plow through savings and HELOC to pay rent. He's setting something up to hide money. 

“Rent” is an easy way to park/launder money if the landlord is his other woman. My cousin, who is a womanizer like his dad, use “pay” to his fancies as another means to “spend” money because he is the boss of his own manufacturing firm.

[elegantlion]

In addition to retaining a lawyer now, I would encourage you to start putting together any documentation you might need. If he's been in therapy for naracisstic tendancies, there may be personal documentation you need to show that. My ex-dh had control issues and I used letters, personal memos, emails, etc to show that. 

I also bought a heavy duty punching bag for stress relief. 

Many hugs to you. 

 

[Murphy101]

LAWYER. Your lawyer can put things in place that will prevent your stbx from buying and selling and spending everything. Do NOT presume you have to do anything he says or accept anything he says.

LAWYER! Like this very day if at all possible.

And go to the bank today and get as much cash as you can and your own cellphone plan and new phone. 

And LAWYER.  Treat your x like a vindictive manipulative criminal stranger and smile at the beast while privately acting accordingly to safeguard yourself.

Sucks. But that’s the honest best smartest advice I can give after seeing this happen time and time again to so many women our ages.

And if some day you find out he isn’t a total POC? Well no harm no foul in protecting yourself and smiling at home while you do it. 
 

and yes gather every original scrap of paper you can and keep it somewhere else safe. For you and your kids. Birth cents, social security cards, passports, bank accounts. Taxes. Mortgage and bills. Titles and ownership papers to everything. 

Edited August 26, 2022 by Murphy101

[bodiesmom]

So here’s my concern over taking half of our savings and placing it into my separate account…

I am completely financially dependent on him at this time. If I move some of that cash, that would be seen as an aggressive move in his eyes and then what would stop him from completely cutting me off from those direct deposits from his paycheck? 

I have a lawyer consult on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. 

[bodiesmom]

Also, regarding documentation of his narcissistic tendencies, I have been keeping a journal that outlines behaviors and specific situations that date back to the start of our marriage. However, I don’t think that would mean anything since I live in a no fault state. 

[Heartstrings]

10 minutes ago, bodiesmom said:

So here’s my concern over taking half of our savings and placing it into my separate account…

I am completely financially dependent on him at this time. If I move some of that cash, that would be seen as an aggressive move in his eyes and then what would stop him from completely cutting me off from those direct deposits from his paycheck? 

I have a lawyer consult on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. 

There’s nothing stopping him from taking all of it now AND cutting you off from his deposits.  Literally nothing.  At least this way you have the money from the savings if he decides to cut you off from his paychecks.  It’s kind of a game of chicken at this point.  You can wait a bit until you’ve seen the lawyer, but during that waiting time he could move all of it into his name.  He could be doing that right now.  
 

First mover gains the advantage. 

Edited August 26, 2022 by Heartstrings

[Heartstrings]

At the very least take out enough to cover an initial  lawyer fee.  

[bodiesmom]

2 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

At the very least take out enough to cover an initial  lawyer fee.  

Thank you for this- I do have enough in my separate account that I just opened to cover the three consults I have next week. 

[Heartstrings]

1 minute ago, bodiesmom said:

Thank you for this- I do have enough in my separate account that I just opened to cover the three consults I have next week. 

That’s a good start.  Hopefully the consult will help you figure out the next steps.   

[Murphy101]

11 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

There’s nothing stopping him from taking all of it now AND cutting you off from his deposits.  Literally nothing.  At least this way you have the money from the savings if he decides to cut you off from his paychecks.  It’s kind of a game of chicken at this point.  You can wait a bit until you’ve seen the lawyer, but during that waiting time he could move all of it into his name.  He could be doing that right now.  
 

First mover gains the advantage. 

This. Literally you have zero protections. Nada.

Get that money asap and next week is too late for a lawyer.  First thing Monday you get a lawyer and you have them start proceedings to protect you. In most states there are legal separation laws that can be set in motion to prevent or slow him down on complete financial ruin of you. But you have to get a lawyer to get those protections started.

Get his name off of everything you possibly can. Like your cell phone plan and bank account. 

[Heartstrings]

4 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

. In most states there are legal separation laws that can be set in motion to prevent or slow him down on complete financial ruin of you. But you have to get a lawyer to get those protections started

This applies to his desire for her to move ASAP too.  The judge will likely let her stay throughout the divorce proceedings, which can take time.  STBX doesn’t just get to make unilateral calls here.  

[YaelAldrich]

I've read so many of these situations here and I start to wonder if there's a online guidebook for scuzzy STBXs? 

[gardenmom5]

I've gathered this for "what to do to leave abuse" - but much of it works in divorce without abuse too.
first thing - get a lawyer and DO NOT leave the marital home.  That puts you into a very weak position where he can more easily screw you over.  It sounds like he has been planning this, and I would expect he's been hiding assets. 

 

This was shared to an abuse survivors page to which I belong.  Since the subject comes up, I thought I'd share this.  there are things I've never previously seen mentioned.  - I believe the poster is Canadian, and a few things will probably be Canada specific, but there might be something similar in other countries.
 

This is for anyone currently questioning if they should leave their abusive partner.

How to safely plan to leave an abusive relationship;

Banking;

- Open a new bank account with a new bank, ensure that statements are online only and to a new email address that isn't linked to your phone.

- Pick up the card from the bank and hide it well. Amongst the abusers things is usually safe, as they won't go looking there. Otherwise under the sole insert in a shoe, unused board game, at work, there are many places. But if you live with an abuser, I am sure you have a good hiding spot already.

- Do not download the banking app to your phone!

Start putting what you can in that account. Any birthday money from friends or family, an unnoticeable amount from your wage (talk to work/centrelink), don't transfer to this account yourself. And any change you find around the house - a 600ml bottle of coke full of 2 dollar coins will save $1000

- Cba will give you 1k to escape dv, but only if you are a customer. If you are not already, set up your account there.

- If you have debit/credit cards, report them stolen so the abuser can't access them once new numbers are provided.

- Finances to rely on are a must to ensure you don't break and run back to fake promises.

Phone;

Buy a cheap phone for under $50 and a spare sim, set that up and hide it, fully charged. You will need this when you turn your main one off to ensure he can't contact or track you.

Possessions;

- Start sending important things that won't be noticed missing to loved ones, work or storage. Things like photos, jewellery, ID, passport etc and not all at once, this is over time.

- For any clothes you can't carry in a bag, but you want to keep. Do a “clean out”, say you are donating them and get them somewhere safe.

- If you can, start selling things worth value that you don't need and will not be noticed as missing, put that money in your new account.

Work;

- If you work, tell your boss what is happening so that they can be understanding for when the time comes, and also so the abuser can't sweet talk information out of your colleagues.

- Some workplaces provide DV leave, or you could take it under compassionate leave.

- If you work for a corporation, ask for a transfer.

- If not, have your working hours randomized for a while to ensure you don't have a continuous or steady work schedule.

Centrelink;

Let centrelink know of your plans and fill out any necessary paperwork required for your future change of circumstances. If you are moving to single parent payments, get the ball rolling as it can take a few weeks to finalise on their end. And make sure all correspondence is sent to your new secret email address.

Family and friends;

You may have lost some by this point, but that doesn't mean that they won't try and help you. Reach out, help is necessary, especially if kids are involved.

Housing;

- If you are currently on a lease, talk to the agent privately as they can help you getting off it.

- Start looking for somewhere once you know you are almost ready, the first agent may be able to help with this.

- Find donation groups to help you set up. If you put it out to Facebook, have someone else act for you, otherwise it will be an easy way for the abuser to track you.

- Talk to churches, salvos, anyone that helps in this instance. If you have children, you will be fast tracked.

- Move in with family or friends

- Talk to a refuge if the above options won't work

DO NOT LOSE FOCUS, you are much closer to freedom than you think.

Police;

Let the police know of your plan in case something goes wrong. They can also help you get the remainder of your things at a later date.

Also file for a dvo but don't have it put in place until you are out and safe!

Kids;

- If you have kids, you either take them with you at the time, or have someone you trust to do it.

- If they are at school, you need to let the school know in advance so that the abuser can't collect them from there, ever.

- You also need to get them out of that school early and not keep to your normal routine.

- Change schools if you need to.

- This advice includes preschool

Animals;

If you have pets talk to your local RSPCA or Re homing group as they will find a free foster carer to care for you animals until you are settled.

Planning your escape date;

Find a day that the abuser will be away for a few hours. Be nice leading up to the event, plan the weekend, dinner etc. This will keep the abusers paranoia low, they will think they have you right where they want you.

Packing;

Don't pack unnecessary crap!

You don't need more than one brush, you don't need your toiletries - they can all be replaced.

ESSENTIALS ONLY! Bags are heavy.

You want to be hours ahead before the abuser realises what's happened.

Do not linger, that home is not your happy place GTFO.

Leaving;

By now you should have money in your accounts and a new phone. Your kids and pets organised, your irreplaceable belongings should be safe elsewhere, and you should know exactly where you are headed once you close the door on this chapter of your life.

Once you are out;

- Change all internet banking passwords

- Change all social passwords

- Change all the email addresses linked to your social accounts to the secret one you set up

- Change PayPal passwords etc

- Block on all social media

- Block the abusers number

- Turn that phone off and turn on the spare phone

- Contact anyone you need to from the new phone and keep your number on private

- Change your name on social media along with your profile picture (something generic)

- Block anyone who is friends with both of you

- Get a PO Box and get your mail redirected

The abuser is the most dangerous when they realise they have lost control of their possession (you).

Changing all of your social media settings and names is a must, as it is too easy to find anyone these days. If the abuser still finds you, close down all accounts (even temporarily), you can start fresh ones.

The abuser will try anything and everything, even suicide threats to get your attention. Do not fall for the games as the abuser is just craving any information on your whereabouts to feel like they are gaining some control back.

It is vital that you cease all contact until you are strong enough to not believe the bullshit that the abuser will use to lure you back. And you know it is bullshit, do not sprinkle glitter on your feelings. You are worth more than that!

Feel free to copy and paste, this information could help someone you know or love one day 

 

 

Four more important things:

1. Don’t necessarily trust friends and family to not disclose your new location. I had more than one client get outed by people who didn’t believe partner was “as bad as he said he was” and it was “wrong to keep the kids from their dad”. In normal divorces—sure. Abuse? Follow legal advice, but different rules apply. 

2. Get your legal paperwork in order, particularly if you are leaving with children.

3. Get all of your identification documentation in order—in the US particularly your social security card and DL as it is a nightmare to reorder right now with covid.

4. set up a post office box to receive mail. One with a street address, like UPS, is preferred.

 

‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘

A few other things to keep in mind, even if you're not at the point of needing to flee, but especially if financial abuse is part of the picture.

1. pull your credit report - there are avenues to keep track of that, credit karma is one. 

2. know exactly what assets and debts are in the household. Know what is jointly owned and how your state laws view property. 

3. If you owe the IRS money jointly, understand your options. * 

4. try to change address on any mailings via the Internet, don't rely on USPS change of address forms - I've seen them mess up household vs individual addresses more than once. 

5. Document, document, document conversations and incidents of abuse

 Please don't quote this part, I may edit later. If you owe the IRS money jointly, like to the point of garnishment of pay/checking, be sure to talk to the IRS for yourself. When ex-dh and I separated, he owed the IRS a lot of money - self-employed - not a great money manager - some mental health issues at play. Since I had not worked during that era and could document his controlling behavior, I was able to get out of that debt. I went into an IRS office and they were really very easy to talk to in person.  It took over a year for all the paperwork to get processed, and I told the IRS more than I would feel comfortable telling a therapist. Until then, I couldn't have a bank account in my name. I used Walmart's Bluebird as a debit card since it wasn't tied to a SSN - not sure if that is still true. My parents let me put my college financial aid disbursements in their bank account, so the money I used to live on during the semester didn't just get garnished away. 

After that year, when I could go back to having my own financial accounts, things got better. I realized that my money skills were good and that ex-dh really caused a lot of the problems we both lived through.  

(the later part is only on this page)