Do you enforce rules Dh makes for kids?

[lovinmyboys]

I work full time and my kids all go to school. Dh made this rule that they have to have homework done before they can go play outside. I think he thinks that is something good parents do. I think it makes no sense because 1) it still gets dark before 6pm and  2) some of my kids need help with homework and I don’t get home from work until about an hour after they get home from school. So today Dh is not happy because one of them (who needs help with homework) was outside playing when Dh got home and his homework wasn’t done. I am very tired today so I was like yeah I am not going to enforce rules I don’t agree with. 
 

So any thoughts? Do you enforce rules you don’t agree with? Also are you a work before play family? Honestly, I typically don’t make rules I can’t enforce unless I think it is really important and have buy in from the kids.

[Catwoman]

Honestly, I think you and your DH should be making rules together before you present them to the kids, particularly in this case, where the rule affects both of you.

[Slache]

Exactly what cat said. You need to be a united front. I would talk to DH about changing this rule.

[kristin0713]

My DH used to do this all the time. It was more along the lines of giving the kids chores or a job or something that he wanted done by a certain time. The job in and of itself wasn't unreasonable, but it was one more thing that I had to manage on top of educating them and it often interfered with their school work. I started saying, "I need to talk to you about this privately." And then I would explain my opinion on the matter and ask him to please wait until it is not during school hours and he is home to manage it. Now all I have to say is, "We need to talk about this" and he will say, "Ok, never mind" 🤣 because he knows that he has not thought through all the details. The "no playing until homework is done" rule sounds very old-school and I'm sure he thinks it is reasonable, but when put in the perspective of a full day and how important physical activity is for kids and how much BETTER they are able to focus when they have that activity (plus the limited daylight like you mentioned) I would hope that he could see that the rule really is not in their best interest. Another thing I said recently (regarding a more serious issue) was, "I know we both want the best for our kids. Let's please talk about this and try to understand each other's perspectives so we can come to a decision together." Hopefully your DH would be open to that kind of conversation. 

[kbutton]

34 minutes ago, lovinmyboys said:

Honestly, I typically don’t make rules I can’t enforce

I think this is the crux. It's difficult for you to make this work, then it's not fair to ask it of you.

OTOH, I think it's okay for Mom and Dad to have different ways of doing things that work for them as long as it's not seen as a competition, undermining the other by being the "fun" parent, etc. 

My parents were a united front, but when Dad was home with us one summer when he was laid off, it was very different from having my mom home or having a babysitter home, and that is okay. They just did things differently.

[fraidycat]

I would talk to DH about changing the rule for all the reasons mentioned above + they've been in school all day already and just need a break. However, if HE still wanted to enforce the rule, I would put it on him to take care of because I would not need another thing on my plate. If he's not home to enforce the rule, then I would tell him it ain't happening.

[Lecka]

Honestly I would enforce a rule just for the sake of consistency.

But at the same time I would be wanting to agree about rules ahead of time and to change the rule. 
 

If it was a long-standing issue I would want to try to deal with it.  We went to marriage counseling years ago and this was an issue that was coming up for us.  
 

We cannot afford to undermine each other.  It causes too many problems.  
 

I think where it’s not as much of an issue it’s not as big of a deal, though!

 

Edit:  for us, it’s not like we would disagree about one thing here and one thing there.  We would disagree All The Time.  We either make a commitment to be consistent and not undermine each other, and come to agreement about rules.  OR we are going to have constant issues.  I do not think it is like this for everyone!

Edited February 10, 2022 by Lecka

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would not undermine a dad in front of his kids. And I would be very upset if he undermined me. 
 

But privately I would talk with him about why the rule isn’t the best. 

[maize]

Nope.

I'm not much of a rule person. I don't like to make rules, I don't like to enforce rules.

I'm only up to enforcing if I am 100% on board with the rule and consider it important.

In this case, I think outdoor time during daylight hours should take precedence over homework. Kids need to do something physical after being in school all day.

[Tap]

What happened that made dad put this rule into effect? Is there a nightly battle to get work done by a certain time? Are the kids not getting enough sleep because homework is keeping them up at night?

This seems like a family issue....not a marriage issue....not a parenting issue. You both need to look at the entire problem. How it has worked in the past, what were the failures and how you can help the family be successful. 

To be honest, my xh did not parent the older kids. He refused to be the 'bad guy' as he described it. He wouldn't enforce rules I made, because he wanted to always be the fun guy. 😞 

[Annie G]

I’d talk to dh privately.  Is he the kind who gets home from work and just tackles the next task, instead of taking a bit of a breather to transition from work to home?  Well, your kids and you might prefer a breather to transition.  But with his rule, if your kids need homework help from you and they also want to play outside, you have to arrive home from work and pretty much start homework help right away. Which means the kid has wasted an hour that he could have played outside. And gives you no time to take a break before dinner prep, homework help, and whatever other evening chores you do.  Maybe he’ll see it from your point of view. And if he’s the kind to get home from work but not take a break, he needs to hear that not everyone is like that. And that’s ok. The goal is to get homework done.  

Edited February 10, 2022 by Annie G

[Tap]

3 minutes ago, maize said:

Nope.

I'm not much of a rule person. I don't like to make rules, I don't like to enforce rules.

I'm only up to enforcing if I am 100% on board with the rule and consider it important.

In this case, I think outdoor time during daylight hours should take precedence over homework. Kids need to do something physical after being in school all day.

I am the same way. I have very, very few rules in my house. My older kids really didn't need them. Natural consequences were pretty easy guidance for them. For dd15, I think my lack of rules is not easy. She needs more structure, so I try to have it, but is really unnatural for me. DD23 was telling me recently, that there was a time when she went to public high school, that she wished I had pushed her harder in homeschool (k-4th grade and private 5-8th) and that would have required more structure and rules.  But now as a college student, she is very happy I didn't. She has always truly loved to learn and has never felt confined by being good only to follow rules, or  learning only for performance measures.  

[Harriet Vane]

As an aside, my mother had that rule for us and we all hated it with the fire of a thousand suns. It was agonizing doing homework the minute we got home. Neighbor kids were out playing and we were zapped from a full day at school. It was a daily difficulty. I would seriously talk to your dh about a different system.

[DreamerGirl]

1. We do not have a lot of rules. But whatever we have, DH and I agree upon after discussing. We are a team always, we never pit against each other in any situation and parenting is one of those. If we disagree and we do plenty, we always talk it out. but it is always presented as a united front.

2. DS goes to PS.  I work PT, DH full time at home. But even when we worked outside we followed this routine. We always wash hands and face, change clothes, have something warm or cold to drink depending on weather, something to eat, decompress . Then do home work or cook or whatever. This is something I followed right from my childhood. Currently DS takes a shower and changes before he comes fully inside but same routine.

[Katy]

I think DH has said stuff like that, but I just announced I said otherwise because of such and such and he shrugged. He almost always just lets me make parenting decisions. Except for when a kid hit me once. He handed that. 

[Tanaqui]

If you are the one who does the bulk of the immediate after-school childcare, and the other parent is making arbitrary rules that specifically affect that time of day, then the other parent is the one undermining you, and they are in the wrong.

[wendyroo]

Sometimes when my husband impulsively makes rules that are not actually going to work well, I try to talk him into "modifying" them to make them more tenable while letting him save face.

Maybe "have to have homework done before they can go play outside" could be modified to have to unpack their backpacks and have homework laid out and ready to work on before going outside.

[Lecka]

For us this really was a marriage issue because it requires us to compromise.  
 

We have to actually compromise to a point where we agree enough that we are both willing to enforce rules consistently.

 

This means sometimes I enforce a rule I don’t like, but sometimes so does my husband.  And some things I care about are not done the way I want, and the same is true for my husband.  
 

For is it is just one of the things we have to compromise on, like what to spend money on, where to live, what pet to get, should I get a job, etc.  

 

Almost everything that came up at marriage counseling was about parenting decisions but then it was the same stuff going on in other areas, and once we were able to compromise with parenting we were able to compromise in other areas.

 

To me it doesn’t sound like something where the mom agrees with the rule in general but just fell down in consistency on one day.  
 

It sounds like the mom knew she disagreed and knew she wouldn’t enforce it, but her husband still made the rule and assumed she was on the same page.  
 

Why couldn’t there be this “we’re not on the same page” conversation before the point where it was an expectation that got ignored?  
 

If it was totally predictable this day would come, or will happen over and over, then why can’t there be a compromise before it gets to this point?  
 

For us there was no such thing as having a conversation in which we compromised, before we went to marriage counseling.  We did not have any way to do that, and we didn’t even know it was something we ought to do. 
 

But it was a huge problem for us.  It was not really about the outcome of any one decision, for us.  
 

Edit:  basically, if there are a lot of times that there is a lack of compromise or one person railroading the other person, or just each person doing what they want at odds with the other — then I think it’s a bigger issue.

 

If that is not the case and there is just this one thing — I do think that is different.

 

For me, I do go along with (and enforce, follow through) on things I wouldn’t choose, but don’t really strongly dislike…. Because that is how my husband will go along with things that are important to me, but he doesn’t care about.  For some things we compromise, for some one of us gets our way — but that needs to have balance or we are just not going to feel things are working for both of us.  

Edited February 10, 2022 by Lecka

[Lecka]

The marriage counselor told us, for our parenting issues, that nothing either of us wanted would be worse than us undermining each other.  
 

So if I have a choice between a rule I don’t like or undermining my husband, I will choose not undermining my husband.

 

But at the same time, we really need to be on the same page with some level of compromise that both of us can live with.  

[Bootsie]

DH and I would approach something like this as a procedure rather than a rule.  While children do best with consistent, expected boundaries and rules, I think children can understand that there are different procedures that are followed when each parent is the one home overseeing childcare responsibilities.  I would have no problem with DH telling the children that homework needed to be done before outside play on days when he is the one home to oversee homework if that is what works best for him.  In that instance undermining him would be if I told the kids I thought it was an unreasonable rule, that I didn't like it, that they really shouldn't have to do that.  If the children complained to me that they didn't like the way dad handled things I would encourage them to talk to him about it and see if they could negotiate a different approach with him.  (I might express my thoughts to DH in private.) 

On days that I am home and in charge of overseeing homework, I would make the schedule that worked best for me.  DH would not decide on a rule and then expect me to enforce it. If one of use noticed that a child seemed to do better under one scenario, or the child was not getting homework done at all, or was not getting enough sleep because they were up too late finishing homework, then we would discuss the situation, trying to problem solve.  

Any house rules that both parents were expected to enforce would be rules that we agreed to and provided a unified front to the children.  

[vonfirmath]

3 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I would not undermine a dad in front of his kids. And I would be very upset if he undermined me. 
 

But privately I would talk with him about why the rule isn’t the best. 

This.

I would think about how I would want my husband to address it if he did not agree with a rule I made. I would not blatantly go against his expressed wishes with the kids because I don't want my husband treating me taht way either. Rather I'd want to talk about it privately and if someone is going to "take back" the rule -- it needs to be Dad since he set it in the first place.

 

[Danae]

The parent who is there makes the call, and either of us can authorize exceptions to general rules based on our own discretion.  
 

The kids know, however, that if parent A said they must do something and they are looking for an exception from parent B when Parent A is unavailable they’d better lead with “Parent A said X, but here is the reason I think I should be allowed to do something different.” If they just say, “Can I do Y?” without specifying that they are looking for a rule change they will be in trouble with both parents.

[JustEm]

We generally don't make parenting decisions separately, especially ones that both parents have to enforce. The exception being rules during school hours. I make those because I'm the one doing the educating. But if dh needs to take over for a day or days then he doesn't need to stick to my rules, shoot he doesn't even know my school hour rules 

If something like the situation you describe did happen I would not have let a single occurrence of the rule happen before addressing it with dh. If I heard about the rule and didn't agree with it we would talk about it before I was put in a situation to have to enforce it or not. If somehow we didn't talk beforehand I'd say something along the lines of, ' dad and I need to figure clear expectations for this rule before enforcement starts.' 

[Clarita]

My husband and I do not undermine each other's rules. If he or I find a rule that the other made is unreasonable we talk to each other about it. After an agreement has been made then (together) tell the kids about the change in rule. 

Although I'm the main care-taker of the children and I do allow the grandparents and my husband to be more laxed when they are doing the care-taking. Mostly because I feel like I see them all day I get a bunch of good times so I don't feel as bad being the meanie bad guy. I do think it's much harder for the parent who don't get as much opportunity for good times to be the bad guy. My kids are young so perhaps ask me again in a few years.  

Edited February 10, 2022 by Clarita
Forgot to say I agree though that I think DH's rule is silly.

[Melissa in Australia]

we both do to rules made by each other. and we sometimes make a rule that the other then privately explains wont work because of this or that. then publicly in front of the kids the person who made the rule explains to the children why the rule is being changed. that they hadn't thought about this or that.  We both feel very strongly that it is important for the children to learn that there are circumstances that a person might not have thought of and things sometimes need slight adjustment . ALSO both of us have at times enforced rules that the other has made even though we didn't quite agree with them 

 it is absolutely essential for parenting our twin boys that we remain a united front at all times. We always had this position with our bio children but it was reinforced time and time again in our training for parenting children from a trauma background.

[Melissa in Australia]

adding

 we also regularly check with each other when we think that one of the boys is trying to manipulate a situation by asking each of us individually. To make sure we have each others back and are making the same call.

 

though our situation is very different than most of you . We are dealing with 2 very traumatized children with multiple disabilities. it is so full on that Dh and I work in shifts, taking turns throughout the day to have a break or supervise.

[Ausmumof3]

I may have a completely different poster in mind and you might not necessarily want to answer this but for some reason I have a feeling your DH works away from home for a length of time? Feel free to ignore if not but if so I think that does change the dynamic. If you’re going to be solo parenting for a significant amount of time it’s really really important that you have rules that you can cope with enforcing and aren’t expending parenting energy for stuff you don’t agree with.

I am not as great as many here with enforcing whatever dh expects. In my FOO dad would make rules and mum would be left to enforce. I don’t want that situation. Dh will occasionally come out with something and expect me to enforce it even when he’s right there. Um, no. It’s not important to me. If it’s important to you and you’re right there deal with it. If you can’t be bothered it’s not that important. When he’s not there I do try to enforce/expect what he’d expect within reason as it seems fair that if he’s at work to earn money for us all I do the parenting. 

[HS Mom in NC]

We make rules together before announcing them and both enforce them.  We don't make many rules. We revisit anything anytime one of us sees it as a problem and figure out something works for both of us.

[QueenCat]

I would never undermine him unless it was a safety issue. I'd live with the rule until we had time to discuss it and then announce the change to the kids. This might mean a day or two, depending on "life" at the moment. 

Note that he would never undermine me either. He'd ask to have the same time to discuss. 

[Bootsie]

In this type of situation, I wonder how the rule was established.  Did dad announce to the family (mom and kids at the same time) that this was a rule (without talking to mom about it).  Or, did dad tell the kids it was a rule and mom found out about it later?  If this is the case, then I think dad is undermining mom's role as a parent if he thinks is a household rule that mom needs to enforce rather than a dad rule that he enforces when he is the at-home parent.  

Or, had mom and dad talked about it and decided it was a rule before it was presented to the kids?  If I went along with a rule, even though it wasn't my first choice, and it was presented to the kids as a household rule, I would feel a responsibility to enforce the rule.   The problem then is not that I am being told to enforce dad's rule, the problem is that I made an agreement to a family rule I did not like.  

[lovinmyboys]

Thanks everyone! It is always interesting to see how other families work.

Dh and I have very different parenting instincts and I know he feels like I get “my way” a lot. I was a SAHM/homeschooling mom for 15 years so I was the one with the kids most of the time. Dh has also spent long stretches away for work. Since covid though he has been home a lot more. 
 

Dh actually went to counseling to help him deal better with one of our kids. The counselor wanted us to come together and compromise, but we just think so differently. I probably parent similarly to Julie Bogart and I think that style drives him nuts-he is more do as I say, keep everything in order, work before you play, etc. I think if he were around more to help enforce this order, I would be more willing to compromise. But it isn’t my style and I still do the majority of the parenting-and I think the kids are turning out perfectly fine.
 

I am a big believer in the person doing the work should decide how it is done. I think Dh doesn’t think that is fair because just because he is at work doesn’t mean he shouldn’t get a say in how the kids are raised.

I mostly think it is almost moot because we have been doing things my way the whole time and the kids are now 10-15 so practically raised.

[Harriet Vane]

2 hours ago, lovinmyboys said:

Thanks everyone! It is always interesting to see how other families work.

Dh and I have very different parenting instincts and I know he feels like I get “my way” a lot. I was a SAHM/homeschooling mom for 15 years so I was the one with the kids most of the time. Dh has also spent long stretches away for work. Since covid though he has been home a lot more. 
 

Dh actually went to counseling to help him deal better with one of our kids. The counselor wanted us to come together and compromise, but we just think so differently. I probably parent similarly to Julie Bogart and I think that style drives him nuts-he is more do as I say, keep everything in order, work before you play, etc. I think if he were around more to help enforce this order, I would be more willing to compromise. But it isn’t my style and I still do the majority of the parenting-and I think the kids are turning out perfectly fine.
 

I am a big believer in the person doing the work should decide how it is done. I think Dh doesn’t think that is fair because just because he is at work doesn’t mean he shouldn’t get a say in how the kids are raised.

I mostly think it is almost moot because we have been doing things my way the whole time and the kids are now 10-15 so practically raised.

At those ages, I would be inclined to have the kids actively involved in their scheduling. So homework time is not imposed by you; rather, you are the facilitator of their planning process and you provide accountability. By the time they're midway through high school, they should be super independent with accomplishing their tasks. That way they've trained and practiced independently under your watchful eye and are ready to do it all on their own in college.

[EKS]

I finally informed my husband that any rules he came up with needed to be enforced by him, and if he couldn't do that then he needed my buy in.  

[LucyStoner]

Neither my husband or I unilaterally makes rules.  It’s something we decide together.  

[katilac]

Why would ONE person make a rule that TWO people are expected to enforce? He's not Moses coming down with the tablets, these things should be discussed.  

If my spouse made a one-time decision in the moment, yes, I would back that up. Dad said no more candy today? Then no more candy today. But no playing outside before homework is a big, long-term rule. I'm not going along with that for 8 years until the 10-yr-old graduates, lol. 

I would tell dh we need to discuss it. Kids don't miraculously not help with their homework just bc you make a rule, and helping them with homework is not always the thing I want to do the minute I get home. Truly, I would be tempted to tell him the kids will start on their homework as soon as they get home when he starts taking home work to do as soon as he gets home. I wouldn't, probably, but I'd be tempted. 

So I'd ask him, what is the point of this rule? The homework simply needs to be done before they go to bed (and I was actually a master at doing much of on the morning bus, bc most hw is stupid, but we'll nix that as a possibility). They are going to be giving up some kind of pleasure to do their homework no matter when it is done. Would you prefer they give up playing outside in the afternoon, or would you prefer they give up tv and devices in the evening? What is the point of straight home from school to do schoolwork, specifically? If he argues 'work before pleasure,' then I'd argue that the 7 hours of SCHOOL was indeed the work before the pleasure of playing outside. Then homework can be the work before pleasure of relaxing in the evening. 

I would also point out that he needs to have more consideration for ME. Yeah, of course, wouldn't we all love to live in a dreamland where we came home from work and all the crappy stuff was already done, lol? 

I can't tell if you said that in front of the kids are not. It's ideal if you didn't, but honestly, if dh was all "not happy" about it and I was tired, I probably would have said it either way. 

I do really like wendyroo's idea of potentially having them unpack and set up all the homework before going outside. It's a nod toward work before pleasure, and it makes it more likely they will notice if they are missing anything or if they need something signed, etc. 

Disclaimer: my answer is colored by the fact that I am sick and also that I think most homework is stupid. 

[Clemsondana]

After traveling 2 weeks a  month for most of our marriage, husband has mostly been home (and by home, I mean at home since when he wasn't traveling he usually worked from home) for 2 years.  It's been interesting.  As said above, we back each other up on things like 'no more TV today' or 'no more sweets today'.  But, for longer-term issues like 'you have to do X before doing Y' I've had to step in a couple of times and say 'How do you want me to enforce that?' or 'How do you envision that working, taking Z into account?...because there are lots of things that sound good in theory but don't work in reality.  In your example, I might say 'Since the kids can't complete their homework until I'm home to help, how do you envision them spending their time in the afternoon?' or 'Since we both want the kids to have outside time and it gets dark at 6, how do you see that fitting together with doing homework first since I'm not home to start with them until 4:30?' or 'Since it is dark when they finish their work, are you OK with rambunctious play inside/concerned about the lack of physical activitiy?'.  Those are just suggestions, because there have also been times when I've said 'I know that sounds like a good plan, but it's not working.  The kids are too energetic and need some outside time before they can settle down. If they play outside first, we can get the work done before/after dinner from 6-7.  If you want them to do something different, you need to help come up with a plan to make it happen because it's not reasonable to put the burden of enforcing your preferences on me'.  Things have settled a lot - I think in our case husband is came to see that while I'm not always right I've been at this a while and have usually thought through some sort of plan...it may or may not work, but I do have a big picture in mind.  

[KungFuPanda]

So your husband’s “rule” is to have homework done before HE gets home so that HE never has to deal with any of it thus insuring HE can relax right after work. Meanwhile, the kids and you are expected to do a second shift RIGHT after work/school to afford him this luxury. That’s a big NOPE. Can I ask who is making dinner and how division of labor works in the evening?  Does he not understand that EVERYONE wants down time when they get home?  What’s his argument against doing it after dinner? Surely the kids need outdoor playtime WAY more than anyone needs after dinner TV time. 

[wintermom]

I don't undermine dh, and he doesn't undermine me. If there is a rule that needs to be discussed, we do this in private.

More often than not it's me who made a crazy rule out of frustration and crankiness. He's usually the pre-planning level-headed one. I'm just thrilled that we're a team, because we're definitely outnumbered as parents. 😅

[Lecka]

What OP wrote is a lot like what we had, too.  Except we also fought a lot and our relationship had a lot of problems.  It was not only parenting and it was not only 1-2 things.

Okay, so here is what the counselor said.

WHILE my husband was unreasonable in some ways….. we were getting into digging in on our own sides instead of looking to compromise.  As we dug in that way, we got further and further dug in.  At the same time, we both saw the other person as being one way, and that way as the opposite.  It’s hard to explain, but if I was seen as the one who wanted to follow a routine, he saw me as SO rigid.  He wanted to bring a little flexibility in.  Then I saw him as SO flexible, that I had to be the one to stand up for the value of routines.  Because he was the one who didn’t like routines.  

But really if we were not so dug in against each other, we were both capable of saying, yeah a routine is good but it’s okay to be flexible.

But I thought I had to champion routines against him, and he thought he had to champion being flexible against me.  And the more I saw him that way, the more I responded with thinking “I am the one who has to make sure there is a routine.” And then he responded by thinking “I am the one who has to make sure my kids have some kind of fun in their life.”  So we pushed farther apart to farther extremes, in reaction to each other.

Then separately, the therapist thought I was both resentful about some things (like getting more help), and also gatekeeping.  With gatekeeping — that meant I just did not like how my husband did things and I did not really give him a chance.

And this was hard for me, because I had a good system that was working, and it felt very disrespectful and critical towards me, if he wanted to change things.  And he had some stupid ideas.  
 

The counselor talked us into giving each other a chance, and thought that if we saw we would both be backed up and not have to dig in on our sides, we would be likely to be more willing to compromise and see more ways to compromise.

 

And then — it worked out.

 

As for reasons to do it — the counselor definitely thought we were at a point that our conflict was a problem for our kids.  He also thought my gatekeeping was at a point that it was harming my husband’s relationship with a child — because I was looking for ways he messed up and this caused me to not look for ways to be supportive (but not bossy).  And I needed to give my husband a chance there.

 

The counselor also said he saw couples like us when the kids were teens, with the teens playing the parents off against each other, and he said it was something to avoid.

 

Another issue the counselor brought up, that might be an issue with you….. my husband was somewhat used to being bossy at work and expecting for people to do what he said.  He was like this at work and needed to act a different way at home.  So the work environment can make a difference, and it can be hard to make that transition.  For this, I understood this in a way where it didn’t make me as mad, after talking to the counselor.  It was still an issue but I didn’t take it personally, and it made it a lot easier to just point something out and not have it be a big deal.  
 

My husband also agreed he didn’t want that, but said it was hard to notice for him sometimes, so that worked out.  That went a long way.  

Also, we did not have some things modeled for us as children, and we both want to try to model some things for our children.  That is very motivating for both of us and something we really have in common.  There are a lot of things where we are different, but since we both want this one thing, it is a reason for both of us to be willing to compromise.

 

I want to say the counselor also said both sides had to be willing to compromise.  I don’t quite remember, but I think he said that.  

[Lecka]

I think this “homework first” rule is stupid, too.  Totally stupid.  
 

But I don’t think it is crossing a line of “this is a bad thing to do.”

 

For us, when I have enforced a rule like this (aka something I think is stupid), one of two things happens.  
 

One, I see it has its positives and it grows on me.

 

Two, my husband sees it’s stupid and then he feels like we gave it a try and can move on to trying something else.

 

We haven’t turned out to have anything where — we stuck with something stupid for a long time.  
 

This takes my husband being willing to be reasonable, too, but it does also take me going along with some things I think are stupid.  
 

[Carrie12345]

Not the same thing, but in sort of a similar vein, dh and I do often disagree in front of the kids when “proclamations” are made. So, if someone is being super sassy and dh announces that all electronics have to be turned in, but I’ve already permitted a planned online event, we will hash it out right there.  It’s not an argument exactly, but it serves as (imo) a good example of listening to one another and coming up with a solution that is fair and suits the purpose.
What I wouldn’t do is tell the kids that they can ignore what their father said.
But I think it’s perfectly okay for them to know that we disagree and need to come up with something we can agree on.

[teachermom2834]

In theory- obviously it is not good to undermine each other as parents. In theory, parents would meet and discuss and come up with reasonable rules and plans of action and both would enforce.

That reality did not happen in my house because the reality is my dh shoots off at the mouth and makes declarations that he hasn’t thought out one bit. He just does. He isn’t a jerk but he is wildly inconsistent. He seriously has come out with some rules or commands that I have overruled him on the spot.

Yes, it undermines him. It is not ideal. Just being real here. He says some dumb stuff. Man is book smart. Not always high on the common sense. 
 

Not recommending my method. 

[NorthernBeth]

same!

 

[Clarita]

14 hours ago, Lecka said:

For us, when I have enforced a rule like this (aka something I think is stupid), one of two things happens.  

One, I see it has its positives and it grows on me.

Two, my husband sees it’s stupid and then he feels like we gave it a try and can move on to trying something else.

We haven’t turned out to have anything where — we stuck with something stupid for a long time.  

This is how we deal with it in our house, except we are more half and half on making stupid rules. or parenting fails.

[LMD]

15 hours ago, Lecka said:

I think this “homework first” rule is stupid, too.  Totally stupid.  
 

But I don’t think it is crossing a line of “this is a bad thing to do.”

 

For us, when I have enforced a rule like this (aka something I think is stupid), one of two things happens.  
 

One, I see it has its positives and it grows on me.

 

Two, my husband sees it’s stupid and then he feels like we gave it a try and can move on to trying something else.

 

We haven’t turned out to have anything where — we stuck with something stupid for a long time.  
 

This takes my husband being willing to be reasonable, too, but it does also take me going along with some things I think are stupid.  
 

I agree.

In situations like that I take a deep breath, pray to remember why I love this man lol, try to remind myself that he's a) a smart guy b) he loves us more than life c) is just as much their parent as I am d) mostly reasonable and is not trying to wreck their lives and e) this isn't a life or death/take a stand issue. And then... yes I'd like to think I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and enforce the stupid rule. He's a good guy, being loved, respected, trusted and taken seriously in this way helps build good rapport in our marriage and makes the possible later 'honey, this rule of yours...' conversation less fraught.

 

** of course, abusive situations are different. This is the ideal with both partners acting in good faith.

[katilac]

On 2/11/2022 at 7:56 AM, Lecka said:

 Two, my husband sees it’s stupid and then he feels like we gave it a try and can move on to trying something else.

I see that as not likely to happen here, because there are no negatives to this rule for her dh. He won't see the rule itself in action, he won't have to enforce it himself, he will only see that he comes home and, ahh, nice! all the scut work is done. It is a complete positive for him. 

[lynn]

I can see both sides.  It just needs a conversation.