my son is still struggling.....this is long, but I need your help....

[ProudGrandma]

many of you might have read my posts over the last year or so about my 19 (now nearly 20) year old son.   He did go back to the private college this fall as a sophomore....taking basic general ed courses because he didn't have a sense of direction.   Because Covid really screwed up his Freshman year, this fall was almost like his freshman year (socially) that he never had the previous year.  He made a few friends, and one friend in particular who was very fun to hang with, but was a total goof ball and my son just didn't bother to turn in assignments early on because he was having too much fun playing.  After he realized his error, it was too late.  He withdrew from a couple classes at the last minute....but his GPA is still quite low.   At Christmas time he was pretty sad....depressed and very lost.  

We asked him if he wanted to go back to school....and he decided to go back.   We helped him set his schedule to be one for success.  And so far school wise, he is doing really well,..so we know he can do it if he puts his mind to it.  He dropped this one friend...but now he is more lonely...which doesn't help with the depression.  

But this is not why I am asking for help. 

He is lost....very lost.  Doesn't know what he wants to major in and because he is in the 2nd semester of his sophomore year, the college (and rightly so) is pressuring him to no longer be "undecided".   He started out as a church music major (he is very musical) but he realized that he didn't want to do that for a job. 

He also really loves sports.  As a homeschooler in a small town with no opportunities for homeschooled kids, the only organized sport he played was spring soccer in an AYSO organization.  He loved that.  But he is athletic.  But not so good of a player to make playing a sport a profession (not that many people can really do that anyway).   And he knows that, but doesn't like that fact....because right now playing sports is something he does well and enjoys much.  He told us on the phone last night that he is torn as to what he wants to do....including does he want to quit and come home.  (the problem with home is that we live in a tiny, rural area with little to no opportunities for him to "find himself" here....so he would end up with a job like working at Dollar General or some place, which I don't see helping him).  

More about my son....he has VERY mild undiagnosed Aspergers, not very academic..he can do it, he just doesn't like to, quite, shy in most situations (unless it revolves around playing sports), he is competitive (in sports), natural leader (although he doesn't see it), he is sensitive and caring about others.  He lacks confidence and isn't very secure in his own skin (unless, again, he is playing sports). He is fun loving young man.  The Aspergers doesn't effect him too much...except in area of some black and white thinking, strong focusing on certain things (it's sports and music for him), some social interactions are tough, but not a lot.  So, it's not like it's a big thing..but it's there enough to not be ignored either. 

He has thought about coaching.....but that is rarely a full time job, right?  Usually where I have seen coaches are in a school or town setting where they are also teachers or have other full time jobs and then coach on the side, as a volunteer or as part time.   I am hoping I am wrong with that...but I just don't know. The college our son is currently attending doesn't have a "coaching major"....they do have it as a minor, but that still means he needs to major in something. 

We have talked to him about being a school PE teacher, but he didn't seem overly interested in that and I know that there are some downsides to that too...although we (his dad and I) think he would be good at that.  He doesn't like talking in front of people, although, we have seen him do that when it came to sports topics and he does well...he just doesn't believe us or something.   But we also found out that the college wouldn't allow him to just study to be a PE teacher, he would also have to get a degree in another subject like math, science or history....and none of those interest him.

So, I am beginning to wonder if we are looking at this the wrong way....right now we keep looking at programs from the view point of what kind of jobs that program will lead our son to....and I am wondering if we need to find a program that he will love being involved in and see where it leads him.  I feel like that is the less responsible route...but right now we are just spinning our wheels...and getting no where. 

One more thing, he really isn't interested in going to a different college....for a variety of reasons...so although that might be an option, he would have to have a really good opportunity before he would consider it.   We believe he really wouldn't do well in a large (or even smaller) state school...his faith is VERY important to him and right now that is one thing that is helping him through this time...being in an environment where the majority of the student body (about 1200 students) share our faith.   So although, there might be other secular options "out there"....like I said, unless there is something we have no idea exists, going to a different school would be super hard for him....but not impossible if there is a good program for him to consider....like a coaching major for example.  That might be worth exploring.  Not to mention that right now his GPA is very low...and he may not even be able to transfer to a different school.   

What would you guys do if he were your son?  Thanks for your thoughts, opinions and any out of the box ideas. 

 

[YaelAldrich]

I don't have any suggestions but you are a very good mom for being there for him and trying to look for ways your son can be successful.

[Harriet Vane]

Briefly—

I wonder about athletic training? To do something like that, I would strongly recommend a business degree as most trainers freelance in addition to any regular job.

[mommyoffive]

Gap year? 

It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants to do and needs some more time and experiences to figure that out. 

[wintermom]

Has he had any experience coaching or officiating youth? Does he enjoy this? 

It sounds like he needs more work or volunteering experience to find out what he enjoys doing in the work world rather than the academic or school world. Enjoying sports and music is a good start, but he probably needs to branch out into other aspects of these or even something completely different. 

I was similar to your ds in my youth. I enjoyed sports/phys ed and music. I had done a fair amount of coaching and instructing, and almost no music performance or teaching. I went the phys ed route and it was a great starting point for me.

[cbollin]

maybe he can be the person who starts more homeschool PE and sports opportunities in your town. The guy who runs that kind of thing in my area has some common points with your son about college and sports and coaching.  The guy eventually got his bachelors much much  later in life. I don't remember what it was, but I think he eventually figured out a Bible degree or something.  It wasn't when he was in his 20s.  After 6 six years he started PE organization first as a small business with just a handful of students. It grew. One of the big tutorials hired him too.  It was a big need and no one else was meeting it.

maybe he could take a page from Larry Byrd's (the nba legend) life and work garbage truck too.

college wise? who knows? if he has to do one of those non traditional places like Charter Oak or Thomas Edison or U of Maine Presque Isle, that's ok too.

not really any answer for you.  Just mentioning that if sports weren't available in homeschool area, and he likes that, maybe he can start a business with it. it worked out in my area for that family later in life.

ps: my middle dd did not have much clue on major either.  She ended up with BA in interdisciplinary (liberal studies no concentration).  combined bunch of stuff out there in alternative credit to build degree and graduate through Thomas Edison. She wants to be a cat kennel assistant at humane society.  she is not in debt from the degree

Edited February 2, 2022 by cbollin

[BlsdMama]

Sports physical therapy?

[Farrar]

I think you're probably right that at this point, he should see what his options are at the college where he is and should work from there rather than looking at a career at this point. He's young and not going to settle on anything yet. Like, I like the ideas people are throwing out, but I'm guessing that most of the training paths for these aren't at the school where he's finally finding his footing. I'd start with the college majors catalog and go from there instead of trying to envision the perfect job for an unsure, still a teenager, college student whose life has been delayed and upended by Covid and who is probably on the Spectrum and therefore going to be a bit slower to fully launch anyway.

ETA: Adding that I totally understand why this is the "less responsible" path in some ways. But trying to pin a proper career on a kid who isn't ready doesn't somehow make that path more responsible. And from a practical (responsible!) perspective, he's not a good candidate to transfer easily, so if you think he can get the degree there and potentially find his social niche and get comfortable, then just getting "a degree" could be the best route here.

Edited February 2, 2022 by Farrar

[plaidpants]

What about coming home to a community college and the local faith community? If there's one nearby, they might have some kind of "athletic tech" or music program that along with some gen eds and business classes, would give him a foundation to move forward? If he wants a helping profession, something like occupational or physical therapy assistant or child life might be good, arts therapy too.

[Clemsondana]

I second the idea of getting volunteer experience.  At the high school level, coaching isn't full time - most are teachers.  He might also consider whether what he loves needs to be his full-time job.  Like, would he be happy if he got a job (maybe one that requires college, maybe earning a certificate in something so that it was skilled but didn't take years of college) and then he volunteered with coaching?  Rec leagues, church-based/Upward sports leagues, YMCA, etc, all need volunteer/minimally paid coaches.  Some churches have 'sports ministry' as a thing, and bigger ones pay somebody to manage that - they organize leagues, schedules, do set-up - I think it's probably similar to managing a program at the YMCA.  I will say that those jobs can be competitive - I have a relative with 15 years of work in college athletics applying for a job at a large YMCA for a change of pace (and a break from the crazy long hours that are required for college athletics work).  But, places like that often promote from within so getting a start with volunteer/entry-level coaching could be a good start.  Those sorts of jobs also requre a lot of work at non-standard hours - the programs are for kids after-school, so you may be working from 2-9 pm or on Saturdays rather than during the day.  Just something to consider in terms of lifestyle - that could be awesome, or it could turn out that working 9-5 and then volunteering 2 nights a week is a better fit.  

[Junie]

5 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I think you're probably right that at this point, he should see what his options are at the college where he is and should work from there rather than looking at a career at this point. He's young and not going to settle on anything yet. Like, I like the ideas people are throwing out, but I'm guessing that most of the training paths for these aren't at the school where he's finally finding his footing. I'd start with the college majors catalog and go from there instead of trying to envision the perfect job for an unsure, still a teenager, college student whose life has been delayed and upended by Covid and who is probably on the Spectrum and therefore going to be a bit slower to fully launch anyway.

ETA: Adding that I totally understand why this is the "less responsible" path in some ways. But trying to pin a proper career on a kid who isn't ready doesn't somehow make that path more responsible. And from a practical (responsible!) perspective, he's not a good candidate to transfer easily, so if you think he can get the degree there and potentially find his social niche and get comfortable, then just getting "a degree" could be the best route here.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest.  Look at the college catalog and find the major that he is most interested in.

[City Mouse]

both of my adult kids are in a similar situation and we also live in a rural, very small town.

The older one is on the spectrum somewhere. Once she realized her intended major wouldn’t work for her, she pretty much shut down in college. She ended up leaving after 3 1/2 years without any degree and has had a series of service industry jobs since. She sees now that if she had gotten a degree -any degree- she would have more options for jobs, but she doesn’t seem to want to go back to school even though she is old enough to be a non-traditional student and get lots of financial aid. I don’t know how to help her get any further. She is seeing a therapist and that does seem to be helping some. She is more hopeful at least. Honestly, what I am doing to help her now is get her started navigating the system of social services support. She is back to living with us while she is on the waiting list for our local public housing. Once she is in public housing, I will feel better. Then at least she will have her own place to live that she can support with the kinds of jobs she gets. I forgot to add that although she can drive and has her own car, she doesn’t like to drive, so working in one of the surrounding small towns isn’t an option for her.

My younger one is just 19. He graduated HS at the start of the pandemic. He had a difficult time at school and was not planning a traditional college experience. He took classes to become an EMT, but his experiences during the pandemic as a health care worker in training ruined that plan, and now he is lost. He had a seasonal job with UPS which he liked, but he had to be 21 before he can even start trying to get a full-time job with UPS. He doesn’t mind the hard, dirty, physical jobs, and long-term UPS is a great job in our area for people without other education. On top of that, he got Covid right after his seasonal job ended. He is just now starting to apply for jobs. He is willing to drive which gives him more options, but we are mostly in a holding pattern until he turns 21. Oh, He is volunteering at his old high school as a coach for the school’s e-sports team. This is his second year, and his team made it to the state finals last year. 

So, really I have no advice. I just want to sympathize and let you know that you are not alone.

 

Edited February 2, 2022 by City Mouse

[Faith-manor]

What about physical therapy assistant and working for a sport's therapist to see if he would like it enough to pursue the full degree? So many teams have them on staff, even some high schools. The best p.t. I had after my car accident was the sport:s physical therapist for the local high school. He was awesome, and it was something he kind of fell into. He had been a star football player, offered a scholarship to play for MSU, got injured, and bam...end of sports scholarship. He had really great p.t. and trainer post-injury, and it got him to thinking about he could contribute within the field of sports without playing sports, and would be a very satisfying field. He said it was a huge motivation for him to hunker down and get good grades since he really wanted to do it so much, and being a medical field, the requirements were stout. He never looked back, and told me what he really loves about his job is that while most of his friends tend to be very ho hum about going to work, he is excited and looks forward to it.

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I think you're probably right that at this point, he should see what his options are at the college where he is and should work from there rather than looking at a career at this point. He's young and not going to settle on anything yet. Like, I like the ideas people are throwing out, but I'm guessing that most of the training paths for these aren't at the school where he's finally finding his footing. I'd start with the college majors catalog and go from there instead of trying to envision the perfect job for an unsure, still a teenager, college student whose life has been delayed and upended by Covid and who is probably on the Spectrum and therefore going to be a bit slower to fully launch anyway.

ETA: Adding that I totally understand why this is the "less responsible" path in some ways. But trying to pin a proper career on a kid who isn't ready doesn't somehow make that path more responsible. And from a practical (responsible!) perspective, he's not a good candidate to transfer easily, so if you think he can get the degree there and potentially find his social niche and get comfortable, then just getting "a degree" could be the best route here.

I don't think it is the 'less responsible' path. I agree with your suggestion completely.

I think many young people are not served well by a society who tells them 'you can be anything you want!'  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

Remember that people on the spectrum are often emotionally/mentally younger than their chronological age. Coming home and working at Dollar General or a local home for disabled adults may be the best thing for a couple years.  

[regentrude]

First, he should make an appointment with his academic advisor and discuss the possible options his school offers.
If transferring is not an option, then he needs to pick some major at his current school and pursue that for right now. That does not mean he has to work in this field for the next forty years. He might even change his major in a year. But this way, he would be working towards a tangible goal. But it means he needs to want to be in college. There is absolutely no point in making a student whose heart is not in it go through the motions.
Alternatively, he could take a gap year, get a job, and work. That does not mean he has to come home; he could live in the college town, or in any other locale. That too can be a good option to figure out what he wants to do.
Whichever he chooses, he should get involved in life - volunteer, train in a sports club, do something besides just college.

Somebody above suggested athletic training. Be aware that this is a medical field which requires rigorous bio, chem, anatomy and physiology, tons of memorization, and a graduate degree. He needs to be very motivated to go for that and this kind of learning needs to fit his learning style. (My athlete DS started out in that major and switched because he did not like the kinds of classes before clinicals). It is likely that his very small school does not offer an adequate program.

ETA: One thing I would emphasize over and over is that it is okay if he does not know what he wants to do! The notion that 20 year old guys need to have a life plan is not doing the kids any service. 
 

Edited February 2, 2022 by regentrude

[teachermom2834]

I think I would just try to encourage him to just get a degree there. Any degree he can get. Choose the path of least resistance and get a degree. Notch that as a success and go from there. General studies. Whatever is easiest. Get the degree. 
 

Then that opens up all those jobs that we all complain shouldn’t really require a degree to check a box but do. Some of those might be things like organizing sports programs at a church or Y or rec department. Or it gives him time to mature and then he can go for more training or school in what he has figured out he wants to do. 

It isn’t ideal. It costs more time and money than if he went straight into whatever he ultimately ended up doing. But most people really don’t. Life is long and the road is curvy for most people and that is okay. This is the kid you have and the circumstance he is in. I had one in kind of similar circumstance too. My advice to him was to get the degree and we would figure out the next step then. Tough love or pulling your support isn’t really going to put him on a better path so don’t listen to the people telling you it isn’t responsible to keep supporting him. 
 

So I would take one semester at a time. I would look at the credits he has and what he likes and can be successful at and map a path of least resistance towards a degree. Any degree. I’d support him and encourage him and help him find volunteer experiences and help him build his confidence while he works that path. Then re-evaluate and help him with the next steps. 
 

Hang in there! It is just harder for some to get their footing and no one wants to talk about it. But you are not alone.

[bolt.]

In addition to all of the help above, I wanted to add that it might help if you release the pressure of finding a perfect solution. It might be that he's going to have to work a job that he doesn't like, and that isn't a wonderful fit for his hobbies and interests. What if he looks at a job as a way to make ends meet. It might as well be a good job (that needs an education and pays well) that he can tolerate spending hours at. Once he's solidly employable, he can look at sports, music and faith activities as the enriching parts of his life that he does in his spare time.

The vast majority of people work moderately unsatisfying jobs (for the money) and get their satisfaction from outside activities. The idea of, "Find a job you love, and you will never 'work' a day in your life." -- is kind of a pipe dream. It's possible that you need to help him separate his money-making future from his things-I-like-doing future in order to enable making this decision.

[Moonhawk]

It sounds like he is putting a lot of pressure onto himself that he has to commit to something he has to do for the rest of his life and that's why this is such a hard decision.

Maybe focusing on the most general degrees available would help? Just because he gets a business degree, or a communications degree, doesn't mean that he has to go into business management or into PR, but it will get him graduated and no matter where he lands some of the knowledge/skills would be helpful. 

 

[plansrme]

Has he ever taken something like Youscience? I am sure there are others, but Youscience is an online skills and aptitude evaluation that spits out a bunch of different potential careers that fit your interests and aptitudes. It was incredibly accurate for my 2 who took it. For $35 or so, it could give you both some ideas.

As for the multiple suggestions for athletic training, PT and OT, all of those require graduate degrees now (OT assistant and maybe PT assistants do not), and admission to PT and OT (I don't know about AT) programs is very competitive. PT and OT are both three more years of school, even if he can get into a program with a low GPA. I don't know that I would suggest one of these routes for someone who doesn't like school.

 

[prairiewindmomma]

Has he ever worked a job before? Even something basic like a store clerk? 
 

My .02 would be for him to cut back on his hours at school (but keep going!) and to work a bit. I think he needs some time for his brain to develop and for him to learn to manage demands on his time. Have him take classes in areas where he is strong academically and build back his GPA. I think as he builds confidence and independent living skills he will better be able to move forward.
 

As much as we as parents may want to drive the bus and help push him towards a path, I think lasting success is going to come from him building confidence and figuring out life. 

[ProudGrandma]

oh my...wow...I posted, went to take a shower, came back expecting 1 or 2 responses....and wow...so many more.  

I will try to address some of the things you guys so graciously suggested. 

Yes, I think he is putting a lot of pressure on himself to find the "perfect" program.  His sister did and so did her husband, as well as several good friends he has.  So...yeah....

I like the idea of getting a degree using the "path of least resistance"....I think getting a degree, any degree is way better than no degree. 

We have thought about the physical therapy and similar careers, but yeah, the whole medical, biology, etc isn't a fit for him.  But neither is a business degree. 

The idea of volunteering seems appealing....the town the college is in, is small but has several schools...a private and public.  maybe instead of playing inter-murals he could volunteer coaching....

He doesn't have an advisor because he hasn't declared a major.... his previous advisor (in the music department) helped him through registering for this semester, but then dropped him.  That is another reason he needs to declare something so he can register for next semester. 

We have looked through the majors in the catalog, nothing really jumps out at us....outside of the sports ones....so I want him to look at those more closely. 

We have offered and talked about a gap year...but if he thinks he is lonely now, at school, here at home would be worse....so...

We have looked at other aptitude quizzes....but not that one.  I will do that. 

He had a job as a store clerk his senior year of high school and hated it.  He stuck it out, but he did not like it at all.  Last summer he helped our town maintenance person...he mowed, weed wacked, painted a little bit, trimmed trees etc.  He didn't hate that job, but he didn't like it and doesn't want to do it again this summer.  There is a YMCA about an hour from us, he is considering applying there for a summer job.  Which I think will be good for him, if he gets something.  But that doesn't solve our problem today of needing to pick a major...but maybe we are closer than we think. 

THANK YOU guys so so so much for your thoughts...I can't say enough how much I appreciate it. 

[catz]

One thing I would consider which you don't need to discuss or answer for of course is your finances with regards to paying for college.  Is it ok with you if he goes an extra year?  Suppose he gets a degree and needs additional training to get to a place where he is ready to earn?  If it is tight or involves student loans, it may be best to take a gap year to maybe get a menial job and do some volunteering or reaching out into the community.   If you have a local CC that would be easy, he could do a couple classes in just random interest areas.  It does sound like he could use a little time to reflect and mature.  

Other than that, I also think it is ok to pick a degree path that he can get through and maybe look for opportunities for him to possibly intern or volunteer over summer breaks that might spark his interest.  Plenty of people work in a variety of jobs from a variety of degrees.  Education or working PT/OT are very directed career paths that are often requiring masters degrees that may almost require a do over.  I wouldn't push him toward that as a parent but I would keep talking through options.  I feel like the fire to get through those types of programs would need to come from him.  

[ProudGrandma]

it is most certainly ok with us if he needs to go longer....so we are open to lots of options and possibilities.  Thanks for asking the question. 

[maize]

Does the school have a recreation management major (or similar)?

I think a gap year or semester wouldn't be a bad idea. Would going abroad interest him? I have heard great reviews from kids who did this program: 

https://ilp.org/

Edited February 2, 2022 by maize

[ProudGrandma]

it does have a sports management program...but it's a lot of business classes, which he didn't like...in fact so many that it's literally like 3-6 credits shy of a business major.  But that was a thought we had. 

[regentrude]

Op: You say he doesn't have an advisor because he hasn't declared major. Doesn't the college have special advisors for exactly these kinds of students? Look for Student Affairs, Academic Support, etc.

[marbel]

I agree that he should choose a degree at the school he's in now. He is not necessarily picking a forever career. Many, many people do not ever work in the major they completed. Or, some take years to get to actually work in their field. I can think of many many people who successfully change paths after college and it all worked out well. But, yes, it can take some time.  Not every major has a quick-and-easy school-to-work path anyway. And Covid has messed a lot of things up for a lot of people.

As far as I know, Business and English degrees can go in a lot of directions. Maybe my thinking is outdated so anyone should feel free to correct me. Maybe having the degree will boost his confidence and help him move forward? 

[ProudGrandma]

they do, but they are freshmen advisors.  But I am going to look into that further too...I think there HAS to be someone who can help him.  He can't be the only student in this situation. 

[gardenmom5]

Some kids-  especially ASD kids, take more time.   It made me a nervous wreck, but 1ds (ASD/ADD/CAPD) did badly at his first attempts at college.  Withdrew, and worked for a bit.  hung out in the basement too much (while I pulled my hair out) - but he finally got there.   He's finishing his thesis, and has a "real" job.

If you think he has ASD - it can still help him to be diagnosed *now*.  I would take him in and have him eval'd.   1ds was diagnosed only last year (the process took nearly a year.). He went to his dr for help with ADD and was referred out for ASD.  His advisor has commented he can see the difference in his performance since he's been getting help for the ASD/ADD.

[fairfarmhand]

33 minutes ago, bolt. said:

In addition to all of the help above, I wanted to add that it might help if you release the pressure of finding a perfect solution. It might be that he's going to have to work a job that he doesn't like, and that isn't a wonderful fit for his hobbies and interests. What if he looks at a job as a way to make ends meet. It might as well be a good job (that needs an education and pays well) that he can tolerate spending hours at. Once he's solidly employable, he can look at sports, music and faith activities as the enriching parts of his life that he does in his spare time.

The vast majority of people work moderately unsatisfying jobs (for the money) and get their satisfaction from outside activities. The idea of, "Find a job you love, and you will never 'work' a day in your life." -- is kind of a pipe dream. It's possible that you need to help him separate his money-making future from his things-I-like-doing future in order to enable making this decision.

This is so true. 

Has he considered trying to get on at like a public utility or some type of government job for a bit? Right now the major city water department will hire you, train you, and give you great benefits. It's a stable dependable job. Not the most exciting, and not the best paying, but it is a GOOD job with advancement opportunities. 

 

I've told my kids that the bar sometimes for people can be "a job I don't despise every day."

[prairiewindmomma]

If he is 3-6 credits shy of a business major, I would have him declare as a business major to register for spring. It doesn’t have to be his forever major or the area in which he works, but it will do for now.

The above advice about finding a therapist to help guide isn’t a bad one either. There are teletherapists who specialize in transition to adulthood issues. Anxiety about education/working/adulthood is super common.

[ProudGrandma]

he isn't 3-6 credits of a business major....what I meant was if he majored in the Sports Management program, THAT program would have so many business courses required that he would be shy 3-6 credits of a business major....and I know business is not for my son.   

Does that make sense?

[Matryoshka]

14 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I've told my kids that the bar sometimes for people can be "a job I don't despise every day."

I think this is the lived truth of many if not most adults.  Are most people really finding their jobs to be their passions?

My youngest (21) ended up in accounting - she doesn't love it, but it's a job she doesn't hate with a decent salary.  She's just a kid who doesn't have 'passions'.  She's good at math but doesn't love it for its own sake, doesn't much like science or the humanities either.  Her favorite class was economics - she considered a minor but Covid killed it.  But I don't see her being an 'economist' anyway.   She's definitiely a work to live, not live to work type of person.

One of my older ones has not one but two BA degrees in their passion subjects - none of which will pay a living wage without a $$$ PhD on top, and will likely not pay one even then.  They are retraining for PT.  They are taking the PreReq classes for PT school, which is now a doctorate (but pays well enough that there's hope of paying back student loans).  WTH - there's no way that needs to be a doctor-level degree.  Anyway, if they don't get in to PT school, they are thinking of just finishing the CC degree for PT assistant and doing that.  Has your son considered that?  It doesn't pay as well, but obviously much less coursework, not so much hard sciences.  From what my kid says, they pretty much do the same thing as the PT but just can't diagnose or set up the treatment plan.  They do the hands-on work with clients.

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

I think you're probably right that at this point, he should see what his options are at the college where he is and should work from there rather than looking at a career at this point. He's young and not going to settle on anything yet. Like, I like the ideas people are throwing out, but I'm guessing that most of the training paths for these aren't at the school where he's finally finding his footing. I'd start with the college majors catalog and go from there instead of trying to envision the perfect job for an unsure, still a teenager, college student whose life has been delayed and upended by Covid and who is probably on the Spectrum and therefore going to be a bit slower to fully launch anyway.

I also think this is excellent advice.  My accountant started at the CC and that's pretty much what she did - took classes but also figured out which programs fit with her.  She had a flirtation with graphic design till she realized she hated working with clients who wanted 'bad' designs.

[Danae]

As someone who was in a similar situation and made what I now see were bad choices, I want to say very loudly:  get ANY degree. If he was doing well in the church music program he could go back to that even though he doesn’t want to do it as a career.  ANY degree will open a lot of doors, and if he decides on a career track later he can start a Masters or certification program without having to go back and finish a bachelors first.  

[teachermom2834]

10 minutes ago, kfeusse said:

he isn't 3-6 credits of a business major....what I meant was if he majored in the Sports Management program, THAT program would have so many business courses required that he would be shy 3-6 credits of a business major....and I know business is not for my son.   

Does that make sense?

I understood. Sports management is often a minor with a business major so that makes sense. My son has that.

I know your son doesn't want to teach but is physical education a possible major for him? The classes would be more enjoyable even if he doesn't actually intend to teach? I took some of them back in the day and they were easy and fun. Then he could move into something else with it. Or is there a physical education major that is non-teaching? I feel like I remember something like that. Sports and recreation studies or something? There usually are a couple majors that serve as kind of "catch alls" for people that have a collection of credits that don't add up to something really specific. I think my college (25 years ago) had something in the school of Health,Phys Ed, and Recreation that was a degree that included alot of phys ed type classes short of the student teaching and certification. If he had some kind of phys ed major even if he didn't teach full time he could get into coaching, working at a rec program, a Y, community fitness program, etc. 

Anything like that is going to include some classes he doesn't like. Some science, some business, etc. Unfortunately. 😞 But not as much as doing a heavy major.

Edited February 2, 2022 by teachermom2834

[ProudGrandma]

there actually is a SPorts and rec program...and we are encouraging him to check it out.  I think he is scared to "fail" again...even though we have told him 1000 times he is not failing...he is exploring....like so many kids do.  But he just isn't seeing it that way.  But we are still working with him. 

 

[freesia]

I am in the any degree court.  One thing I think you should also focus on is this idea of "liking it."  Because this type of thinking will absolutely effect his job life.  I see this in families with an ASD child often--a focus on whether s/he "likes" the job, schoolwork, major, etc.  It's the black and white thinking part--if I don't like it, I shouldn't have to do it.  I know it's a dance to communicate that yes, he will have to work whether he likes it or not with still respecting his feelings.  His major can be in a gray area--not something he loves, not something he hates--and that is ok and just like his future job will be.  That is so important to learn.  I would encourage him to look at the coaching minor and combine it with a major that he can get done.  I would acknowledge his feelings, but be very matter of fact that it doesn't really matter whether he loves it or not, he'll need to provide for himself somehow and this is an opportunity he has for training that will open doors for him and, at a minimum, lead to a job that will allow him to pursue his passions in his own time.

[teachermom2834]

4 minutes ago, kfeusse said:

there actually is a SPorts and rec program...and we are encouraging him to check it out.  I think he is scared to "fail" again...even though we have told him 1000 times he is not failing...he is exploring....like so many kids do.  But he just isn't seeing it that way.  But we are still working with him. 

 

Aw. This sounds like my ds. There was anxiety and fear of failure wrapped up in it all. I could not get him to seek any kind of help for it and I wish I could have. It was so hard!

Mine did get graduated and has a job. He said a few months after he graduated that being out of school was much better for his mental health. Dh and I almost fell over. “That goes for all of us, buddy!” 
 

Mine just hated school and it was not easy for him and he came right after a high achiever.

Hang in there mom. It is hard to help these kid-adult-kids help themselves sometimes!

[Innisfree]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

Some kids-  especially ASD kids, take more time. 

If you think he has ASD - it can still help him to be diagnosed *now*.  I would take him in and have him eval'd.   1ds was diagnosed only last year (the process took nearly a year.). He went to his dr for help with ADD and was referred out for ASD.  His advisor has commented he can see the difference in his performance since he's been getting help for the ASD/ADD.

I would also encourage an actual diagnosis. There may be avenues of help that you aren't aware of now, and focused therapy, with a diagnosis, can also be more productive.

22 minutes ago, freesia said:

One thing I think you should also focus on is this idea of "liking it."  Because this type of thinking will absolutely effect his job life.  I see this in families with an ASD child often--a focus on whether s/he "likes" the job, schoolwork, major, etc.  It's the black and white thinking part--if I don't like it, I shouldn't have to do it.  I know it's a dance to communicate that yes, he will have to work whether he likes it or not with still respecting his feelings

And this.

Basically, if there's ASD, I wouldn't proceed as if there *weren't* ASD. Diagnosis it, line up appropriate help, talk about how it can influence thinking, and expect everything to take longer. It sounds like you're already understanding about the time frame, which is good.

Aside from that, I'm also in the "finish any degree" camp.

[Loowit]

My DD started college with a fine arts major.  She had dreams of becoming an animator.  For her, art was the thing she knew she was good at.  She is a wonderful artist, but looking more into the field and the expectations she decided it wasn't what she wanted as a career.  Because of homeschooling she didn't have much exposure to other ideas or options to know what other things she might be good at.  The last quarter of her freshman year at college my DH encouraged her to take a speech class.  She didn't have any interest in it at all, but needed some credits so she took it grudgingly.  It turned out to be a life changer for her.  She loved the class, made a ton of friends, and the next year was on the speech and debate team for the college.  It led to her getting scholarships and changing her major to rhetoric and media studies.  She is still not sure what she will do with her degree, but she is now loving her classes.

All this to say, are there some clubs on campus or classes that he may not even think to explore?  I would encourage him to just pick a major for now, and then explore some classes as electives that are new things he hasn't done before or join a club that is new and sounds like it might be fun.  That might help him to expand his horizons and open up options that he had never considered before.

[Carol in Cal.]

I’m on team ‘get any degree’ but with the caveat that he needs to get GREAT grades from now on to position himself for another stint at college down the road; be it grad school or a second BS/BA.  That way he can explain his current GPA as an aberration due to Covid, which is possibly a mitigating circumstance that colleges might consider.

Also, when you’re thinking about that possible second college, consider ones that have fantastic campus ministries, like University of Iowa or University of Minnesota.  He can absolutely be in a huge secular school and still have a wonderful faith community that is like minded.

[Clemsondana]

One other thing about jobs in your passions...I know people who love their jobs (some of my engineer friends come to mind, as do choir director friends who just love music), but I've also known people who like working retail (for several years before my dad retired my mom did it for a bit of extra money but mostly for something to do).  But, the day in and day out work of a lot of jobs is really different from the experience of something similar as a hobby.  College athletics (I know now what you're are looking at, but due to relative I've heard a lot about it) attracts people who love sports and were often athletes themselves but has insanely high turnover, both in low-level coaching and in sports information, because the pay is bad and the hours long and the route to moving up is decades long.  Relative looking to change jobs is burned out, no longer likes most sports enough to watch them on TV, and is thinking that maybe a YMCA job or doing similar work with teens might rekindle the joy, but if it doesn't work out they may move to something outside the field completely.  This isn't to bash a particular field, just to say that even loving something is no guarantee that you'll like the jobs that go along with it.  A lot of people who work with kid and youth athletics have regular day jobs - we've known mechanics, postal workers, police officers, teachers, UPS drivers, landscapers, and people in a host of other jobs who were great coaches.  If a degree will open up options, then pick something and do it.  If he'll struggle to make himself work at something that isn't interesting, then maybe a gap year until he finds something interesting enough to work at would help.  If there's a certificate program that would be interesting (med tech things like ultrasound tech or phlebotomist, or electirican or construction training) then maybe pursue that.  I would be hesitant to focus on coaching as a career without some experience at least volunteering because the reality of working with kids and dealing with parents takes a different skill set than being an athlete.  But, there's nothing saying that he has to stick with any major beyond a semester, so he can always pick something so he has an advisor and then change again in a year if need be.  

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, kfeusse said:

there actually is a SPorts and rec program...and we are encouraging him to check it out.  

One of my kids’ tennis coach is a full time employee of the city’s parks and recreation’s department. He does the group classes and the private classes every day. So he could be in the courts from 9am to 8pm some days.

If your son gets the YMCA summer job, it would be a good way to see if he likes that kind of job. When my kids went to YMCA summer camp, some of the camp counselors are permanent staff. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Does the college have any sports (not degrees, actual sports) that he could do?  Even intramural sports if they don't have actual teams.  It would be extra pressure in some ways but might also be a way for him to explore that side of things.  And it's a way to build friendships and other skills.  And of course physical activity is always good too.

Does the school have a general studies/ liberal arts type degree? 

Also - do they have a disabilities office?  I don't know if they will see him without an actual diagnosis (another good reason to pursue one) but they can be so helpful.   And they often provide specialized advising. 

[ProudGrandma]

5 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Does the college have any sports (not degrees, actual sports) that he could do?  Even intramural sports if they don't have actual teams.  It would be extra pressure in some ways but might also be a way for him to explore that side of things.  And it's a way to build friendships and other skills.  And of course physical activity is always good too.

Does the school have a general studies/ liberal arts type degree? 

Also - do they have a disabilities office?  I don't know if they will see him without an actual diagnosis (another good reason to pursue one) but they can be so helpful.   And they often provide specialized advising. 

yes, he plays some intramural sports and loves that. There really isn't a general studies or a liberal arts degree.   I know there is a disabilities office, but from what I have heard, they are not very useful.  

[ProudGrandma]

8 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

One of my kids’ tennis coach is a full time employee of the city’s parks and recreation’s department. He does the group classes and the private classes every day. So he could be in the courts from 9am to 8pm some days.

If your son gets the YMCA summer job, it would be a good way to see if he likes that kind of job. When my kids went to YMCA summer camp, some of the camp counselors are permanent staff. 

yeah, this is sort of what I am thinking too.  I thought about Parks and Recreation for him....so I guess we will see. 

[ProudGrandma]

1 hour ago, freesia said:

I am in the any degree court.  One thing I think you should also focus on is this idea of "liking it."  Because this type of thinking will absolutely effect his job life.  I see this in families with an ASD child often--a focus on whether s/he "likes" the job, schoolwork, major, etc.  It's the black and white thinking part--if I don't like it, I shouldn't have to do it.  I know it's a dance to communicate that yes, he will have to work whether he likes it or not with still respecting his feelings.  His major can be in a gray area--not something he loves, not something he hates--and that is ok and just like his future job will be.  That is so important to learn.  I would encourage him to look at the coaching minor and combine it with a major that he can get done.  I would acknowledge his feelings, but be very matter of fact that it doesn't really matter whether he loves it or not, he'll need to provide for himself somehow and this is an opportunity he has for training that will open doors for him and, at a minimum, lead to a job that will allow him to pursue his passions in his own time.

this was very useful.  I think my son falls into the camp of "if I don't like it I don't have to do it"....and so maybe we need to address this.  I also like the thought about not liking or hating your job or your major....but just doing it...and see what happens.  Thanks. 

 

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, kfeusse said:

this was very useful.  I think my son falls into the camp of "if I don't like it I don't have to do it"....and so maybe we need to address this.  I also like the thought about not liking or hating your job or your major....but just doing it...and see what happens.  Thanks. 

 

See...that is a red flag for a bit of mindset immaturity.  That's not to say hes a bad kid or anything at all. But it takes time for all of us to mature into "yeah I don't like this, but I'll do it anyway" The fact that he's not yet achieved that way of thinking is a hint that something is a bit off. 

It might be helpful for him to know that you and your dh have days or weeks when you dislike your job and what it entails. And because you have obligations, you do it anyway. 

When you go through the catalog, instead of asking, what do you like? maybe ask "what do you dislike the least?" and start from there.

[Pam in CT]

Another chant from the Team Any Degree section.

FWIW, my husband, my BIL, and any number of extended family members were all late bloomers. So too, now, is my 20-something son. Some people just don't KNOW what they "want" at age 20, or have the discipline to plug away and labor hard at difficult tasks that don't bring intrinsic rewards, or the frontal lobe to navigate through long term contingent planning.

Often: they get there eventually.

Always: they're the ones driving the bus.  However good the specific ideas about specific careers or interim job experiences that you or pp can offer up may be... it is not possible for anyone but him, to blunder through this stage of his life. 

(Speaking from weary experience here, le sigh.)

Keep on making sure he knows you're in his corner, loving him and believing in him and cheering him on.

And don't try to fix him. You can't. The only one who can, is him.