Are you still waiting for your life to start?

[Garga]

I’m 49 years old and catch myself thinking things like, “Well, when my life begins, then I’ll do X,” the way a high school senior might think ahead to their life beginning when they’re done with school.  Or I will catch myself thinking, “When I live alone, I’ll do Y.”

I have no intention of leaving my dh, and I will cry like a baby when the kids finally leave the nest. So why do I catch myself thinking about how I’ll live life a certain way when I’m alone? I don’t want to be alone!

Overall, I have realized lately that there’s a part of me still waiting for my life to start. But at 49…it started a long, long time ago.

Why do I feel like I don’t own my own life? Does everyone feel this way? Are we all waiting for our lives to begin?  Is it simple selfishness, and I just want to do what I want to do without having to think about anyone else? Or maybe a lot of wives/mothers feel this way?

[Slache]

No. I've only been a mom for 10 years though. Most of the things that are important to me I'm doing now. What do you want?

[Arcadia]

I turned 49 last month. I have been thinking whether I wanted to rejoin the workforce for years but I won’t consider that restarting. I do want to do more traveling but its more of the pandemic holding us back than having to take care of kids.  Once my oldest was middle school age, I could plan my days around me so I didn’t really feel tied down as a SAHM. My kids classes have always been outsourced so I didn’t have the responsibility of teaching them. 

[Loowit]

I will be 49 in a few months.  I have been feeling that way, sort of.  I only have one kid left to homeschool, and he will graduate in a couple years.  I find myself thinking, what do I want to do with the rest of my life.

I am feeling like a chapter in my life in coming to a close.  Maybe a book series would be a better metaphor.  The book on my childhood and teen years.  The book of my college and young adulthood.  The book of motherhood.  My problem is that I have no idea what the next book in the series will be because I never thought much past having kids.

I have always planned to be a stay at home mom, which looking back was probably very short sighted of me.  Now I feel like I still have years left to live and no idea what to do with them.  I do not want, nor have I ever wanted a career.  So I am trying figure out what to do when my new life as an empty nester starts.  What do I do?

I am not really the same person I was when my oldest was born.  I had volunteer work and hobbies.  None of that stuff really interests me anymore.  I feel a bit lost really.  For the last almost 21 years my life revolved around my kids.  I got heavily involved in their activities like dance, soccer, and most especially scouts.  Now I feel like I have to reinvent in a way who I am, or maybe not reinvent, but figure out who I have become?  It is hard to think about what is it I want to do myself, not for kids, not for DH, but for me and that is hard.

I am not sure if this is helpful to you or not.

[BlsdMama]

Hmmm. I’m not sure how others feel and I know it’s cliche but I’ve felt like my life has seasons - like a tv show and episodes within the season. Breaks and then a new season, often with new characters. It may be because we moved and had to start new support bases in those areas? 
 

But I also felt like we did so much - the military thing, the West coast stint, time  in our hometown, time now where we’re really settled in our homeschool community, and they were widely varied and I loved each chunk of time. 
 

i feel bittersweet about things I’d hoped to do… but also don’t feel like I missed something I was MEANT to do, save one, and I’m remedying that. 
 

My favorite quote for a long while, even before the diagnosis, is from CS Lewis and I very much feel it rescued me from Someday Syndrome to a degree? I think everyone thinks about their someday and future possibilities. The only tragedy is if it becomes such that it keeps you from being in (and enjoying) the here and now. 
 

“The great thing, if one can, is to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions of one's 'own,' or 'real' life. The truth is of course that what one calls the interruptions are precisely one's real life -- the life God is sending one day by day.” ~CS Lewis

Edited January 30, 2022 by BlsdMama

[Kassia]

never mind...

Edited January 30, 2022 by Kassia

[Pawz4me]

Yes, I have thoughts like that. I've had them on and off for most of my adult life and still do (I'm 59, FWIW). I've found them to occur most strongly when life was on the cusp of an impending known, or at least reasonably assumed, change. Like before the boys went off to college, while caring for elders in failing health, before a planned move, etc. They've still occurred, but much less frequently, when life was humming along routinely and all was well.

[Clarita]

24 minutes ago, Garga said:

Why do I feel like I don’t own my own life? Does everyone feel this way? Are we all waiting for our lives to begin?  Is it simple selfishness, and I just want to do what I want to do without having to think about anyone else? Or maybe a lot of wives/mothers feel this way?

You do own your life. I mean I'll think and say things like when this then I'll do this, but mostly that pertains to seasons of my life versus actual life things that I want and haven't accomplished. So, just start your life and let everyone else figure out how they will deal with it. You and your family will figure it out together.

My mom is my inspiration for this when she got her BA in Accounting when I was 11, started when I was 8 I believe. Life would have been easier for all of us had she continued to be a stay at home mom, but we figured it out. If I could go back I would still tell her to do it. 

[Rosie_0801]

Yes. I need a new life. I may have an opportunity to mend some ptsd, but I don't know what I am capable of or what I am going to be capable of if that opportunity comes to fruition, or even if that change will make any difference. *shrug* I have very low expectations of life. I can't have what I need to thrive and that's that.

Probably your brain is conducting thought experiments to prepare you for the future. Being prepared, and all that.

[wintermom]

16 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

Yes, I have thoughts like that. I've had them on and off for most of my adult life and still do (I'm 59, FWIW). I've found them to occur most strongly when life was on the cusp of an impending known, or at least reasonably assumed, change. Like before the boys went off to college, while caring for elders in failing health, before a planned move, etc. They've still occurred, but much less frequently, when life was humming along routinely and all was well.

This is the same for me. I'm nearing the time of empty nest, and I'd love to make a big move (new location). Have to wait a few more years, though. In the meantime, while I'm waiting for that I'm trying to find new fun things to do here. Kayaking and canoeing were my latest new things. I'd been waiting a long time to finally get them, and I'm so thrilled to have them now! The best thing is that many of my friends got kayaks last year, too, so we've been able to explore the waterways together. 

[Ali in OR]

I had a down time as our homeschooling years were ending. I remember thinking things like "we should clean out the attic so the kids don't have to face that when we die"--like it was time to prepare for death! I worked to get back into education, worked as an Educational Assistant for 3 years, and this year I was able to get a teaching job. I feel very lucky to have this second episode of a working life. And I like making some money. We're definitely in a different season now, but it's a much more hopeful season than I thought it was going to be.

[fairfarmhand]

Yes, I feel that way very much.

[regentrude]

I can very much relate to the feeling. During the active mothering and homeschooling years, so much of my identity was wrapped up in that, even though I was always working in my job. No, as a mother you don't really "own" your life. Thinking about what would be possible when that phase is over and one can uncover one's own identity and desires strikes me as a very normal thing. I loved raising my kids and homeschooling (and I struggled very much when my oldest was leaving for college). But I also enjoy this completely new phase in my life as an empty nester. While I am still working the same job (that has ceased to be fulfilling), I have opened up my life to completely new creative pursuits and built a new identity as an artist. You may be nearing the end of a season in your life, and are dreaming and planning for the next season. Nothing wrong with that. 

Edited January 30, 2022 by regentrude

[marbel]

10 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Probably your brain is conducting thought experiments to prepare you for the future. Being prepared, and all that.

I agree with this.

I'm turning 66 in a few months, but I still find myself thinking about "when I can do this" or "when I'll do that." Some of it I know is a thought experiment. It's fairly unlikely I will be widowed (my husband is 8 years younger than I) but then who knows... anyway, I'll sometimes find myself pondering a life alone. Or suddenly being able to travel, or having lots of time and space for the home things I'd like to do. I am not looking at new careers at this point, lol. 

And I do sometimes get the feeling that I don't own my own life. Well, I don't think most people who are married and have families do own their own life, completely. It's just the nature of being in a partnership/family. My husband doesn't own his own life either. But for the most part, I have the life I have chosen; whether I would make all those choices again knowing how things turned out is another matter. 

[Melissa Louise]

I know of what you speak. 

[Rosie_0801]

54 minutes ago, marbel said:

And I do sometimes get the feeling that I don't own my own life. Well, I don't think most people who are married and have families do own their own life, completely. It's just the nature of being in a partnership/family. 

I don't think we are meant to either. I have an acquaintance who thinks the cure to their depression is to be completely free of obligation and responsibility. It's not making them any healthier or happier than the last time they tried it. Destroying relationships seems a funny way to cure loneliness, but they persist.

I think we are supposed to have shares in each others lives.

[chocolate-chip chooky]

I can absolutely relate, and I thought it was likely quite normal for women at our stage of life. I'm 48.

Between having the 'kids' growing up and needing us less, and our hormones in a state of flux, surely (hopefully?) it's quite normal to feel unsettled and a bit wonky in the self-identity department.

I certainly catch myself wondering who I'll be in 5 years or 10 years or 20 years. It's like there's a rebirthing that's imminent.

I don't regret being a mother and homeschooling. Not at all. But my identity is pretty tightly entwined in that. I need to unravel it a bit.

[mom2scouts]

2 hours ago, Loowit said:

I will be 49 in a few months.  I have been feeling that way, sort of.  I only have one kid left to homeschool, and he will graduate in a couple years.  I find myself thinking, what do I want to do with the rest of my life.

I am feeling like a chapter in my life in coming to a close.  Maybe a book series would be a better metaphor.  The book on my childhood and teen years.  The book of my college and young adulthood.  The book of motherhood.  My problem is that I have no idea what the next book in the series will be because I never thought much past having kids.

I have always planned to be a stay at home mom, which looking back was probably very short sighted of me.  Now I feel like I still have years left to live and no idea what to do with them.  I do not want, nor have I ever wanted a career.  So I am trying figure out what to do when my new life as an empty nester starts.  What do I do?

I am not really the same person I was when my oldest was born.  I had volunteer work and hobbies.  None of that stuff really interests me anymore.  I feel a bit lost really.  For the last almost 21 years my life revolved around my kids.  I got heavily involved in their activities like dance, soccer, and most especially scouts.  Now I feel like I have to reinvent in a way who I am, or maybe not reinvent, but figure out who I have become?  It is hard to think about what is it I want to do myself, not for kids, not for DH, but for me and that is hard.

I am not sure if this is helpful to you or not.

I'm almost 9 years older than you and I've been a mother much longer than you, but I could have written almost every other word in this post. I only have one kid left to homeschool for a few more years and then what? My life, my activities, my relationships have all revolved around being a mother and kids' activities and I have no idea what's next.

[KungFuPanda]

If we were men we’d just buy a motorcycle instead of trying to talk through these feelings. 🤣

[1234]

Dh and I both have had these feelings the past few years. We thought we had a plan but quickly realized our aspie kiddo is nowhere near ready to launch. It’s been tough but we’re reorganizing and have a plan. The plan looks different than we thought but we’re figuring it out. Right now we do feel like we’re in a holding pattern because we’re waiting to move until oldest graduates from college. We move this summer so it’ll be here before we know it and the planning has been good for us. At this point though, I don’t think my life will ever be “my own” and I don’t think I want it to be. I would like it to look differently in a few years but not entirely mine.

[Frances]

Nope. After a few life altering events hit our family simultaneously almost twenty years ago, my husband and I made a conscious decision together to not live for the future or wish away any of the time we had, but rather to fully embrace and live our lives in the present to the degree possible. @BlsdMama’s CS Lewis quote is basically the approach we purposefully adopted.

[Tap]

I feel like I completely skipped over the "me" part of my life. I got pregnant at 22. I devoted myself to my kids and family, putting my own college and dreams on hold till they went to school. I thought "I had kids young, but I will also be done raising them young". Living my personal dreams will happen then.  Then I started homeschooling, so I planned on going to college when they got older and were fairly independent. At 36, I agreed to take on my 5 months old great -niece (she was supposed to be with me for a 'couple of months'). She is now 15. I was quickly trapped by her special needs, working and getting my kids through the busy middle school/high school/college years. My older kids left home, I divorced dh, and retain full custody of dd15. She may never leave home, so I won't ever be 'done' taking care of kids.  My older kids go and live thier lives, my xh lives his....I am still here, same house, same job, same responsibilities. The things I planned and dreamed of, are in the past. Retirement will be about 68-70 which is in 20 years. Not much left to start. My life started and passed by. I tell my older kids to wait to have kids and to plan thier lives. To follow passions, even if they change on a regular basis. To make career decisions and to find a way to make it happen, even if it is one step at a time. To live thier years with intention and joy!

Edited January 30, 2022 by Tap

[Laura Corin]

I didn't feel that way until my kids were close to 18. I was satisfied with and proud of my childrearing years, but I was looking forward to a new stage.

[Carrie12345]

I turn 45 in a few months. I’ve been a parent since I was 21 and, somewhere along the line, decided to make that “my life” for 20+ years. I wouldn’t say my life hasn’t begun, but I do feel like I need to start writing the next chapter, but I’m having writer’s block.

For me, there’s a lot of guilt with that because I do still have two more kids, and I feel like I’m shortchanging them by splitting my mental focus, compared to their siblings. I know that’s not actually the case, but… mom guilt.

[JustEm]

Well, I'm over a decade younger than you and my kids are no where near being adults but here is my perspective. I've never felt like I'm waiting for my life to start but 3 years ago I was struggling with 'if this is my life, I want out' (not in a suicide way.) It was more of a Groundhog Day type feeling and that I was constantly waiting for something else to start that never did.

After about a year of that feeling I realized nothing would change unless I took action, so I did. I don't quite want to share what action I took(nothing immoral just private) but it certainly ended the groundhog day feeling and l since then my life has felt like it's moving forward again.

Unlike many of the posters above, I don't feel like my life revolves around my kids and homeschooling. They are a major focus of my every day activities but my identity isn't wrapped up in being a home schooling mom. 

Maybe in a decade or so I'll have the feelings you're having. Although I have a pretty clear view of what life could look like once the kids are adults. It might not pan out that way but I don't have a hard time envisioning my life and anything I want to do then, I aim to do sooner.

Edited January 30, 2022 by hjffkj

[BlsdMama]

9 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

If we were men we’d just buy a motorcycle instead of trying to talk through these feelings. 🤣

I say we do both. TWTM biker gang - I vote yes. Leather jackets with a beehive on the back. Ya’all in?

[Murphy101]

I have never been one to have that mentality and I still realized I had fallen into it 4 years ago. And so 4 years ago I had a wake the hell up period and decided not to do that anymore. Now, if I can do it now then I do it now. And I agree it has nothing to with how much I love my family. It’s a common and easy rut to slide into, especially for mothers. 

[City Mouse]

When I think about it,  I have similar feeling, but I just frame  differently. I’ve always looked forward to what ever happens next. I get through the tough times by thinking that eventually this stage will be over, and I will be able to …

When that time comes, My thoughts and plans might have changed, but that is okay. For years I looked forward to when my last kid graduated from high school. Now, I am thinking about what I could do to the house once my adult kids move out for good and I have extra space. I also spend time planning for what we will do when DH retires in 6 yrs. On the other hand I also have ideas in my head of what I might do if something happens to DH before, or early into, retirement and I might need to relocate and keep working for a few extra years.

[elegantlion]

I was there, then I wasn't, now I am again. I'm 54. My marriage to ex was getting crappy, then it ended, then I started college thinking I'd just do a BA then get a job. I discovered I liked school and was good at it, started grad school, found a new guy with a steady job. It felt like I'd found me and someone to be with me for the journey. Then circumstances beyond our control left us in economic fallout - not Covid related but happened at the same time. This left me wondering if it was the right thing to continue in my program because before the awful grad stipends were manageable. We were thinking of buying a house before this all happened. Now, we're on hold.   I'm still in school because I'm so close and have great mentors who go above and beyond for me. Half of my stuff is still at my mom's because we have a small apartment. SO's mom really needs to be in an assited living facility but we can't move on that until we know which town we're going to live in. We won't know that until summer or fall at the earliest. It's all so frustrating because we're having to start over again at this age. 

Before all this I was not at peace with who I was. I hoped ds would go off to college, I would gain some of my own life back - whatever that was going to be. I hoped to work part time and write part time. That didn't happen. I was enjoying this new unexpected journey until 2020. It took me years to get to the point I felt like I was together and living and wham, now it's all on hold again. I feel like I'm holding my breath and I'm tired. 

 

[Jenny in Florida]

Oh, not to be a total downer (as usual), but I'm on the other side of the end-of-homeschooling transition. And what I realized was that, during all of those years when I was looking forward in an abstract way to what I might do when I "got my life back," I was actually busy having my life. And now it's over and there's really nothing else I want very much to do.

[Dmmetler]

I'm really feeling it. With L graduating and going away to college, thismyear was going to be very different, and I kind of mentally assumed that it would be a time when I could focus on me and DH. But COVID has kept us from doing much of the stuff outside the house we used to do before kids, and now I'm spending just as much or more time dealing with the aftermath of the car accident and my parents' health-shich is a lot less fun than homeschooling. 

[Shoeless]

For heavens sake, DONT WAIT. 

This week alone, I have had 2 deaths of people close to my age. One was 52, the other 41. Neither related to Covid, for whatever that is worth. 

Don't wait.  Figure out what it is that you want and Go DO IT.  

[edelweiss]

1 hour ago, Jenny in Florida said:

Oh, not to be a total downer (as usual), but I'm on the other side of the end-of-homeschooling transition. And what I realized was that, during all of those years when I was looking forward in an abstract way to what I might do when I "got my life back," I was actually busy having my life. And now it's over and there's really nothing else I want very much to do.

I'm in a similar situation. However, I did realize that I was living the best years of my life at the time and that it was all downhill from there. Now that both of my kids are in college, I have the time (and fortunately the money) to pursue anything that I want, but there is nothing that I want to do. It's too late to pursue paths that were on the table beforehand. I truly have nothing at all that I'm looking forward to or want to do. Several years ago I dealt with major depression/anxiety/panic attacks, etc. It was really rough. But at some point, apathy took over. Obviously, I recognize that apathy isn't healthy, but I much prefer it to the depression/anxiety that I felt before! In some ways, I feel more at peace. I don't have any expectations of things that I want to accomplish before I die, don't have anything to put on a bucket list, etc. It takes pressure off, I guess. 

Even though I am apathetic, I do work hard to be outwardly positive for my family.  For example, even though I no longer care about traveling, I do it because my family wants to.  I hide my apathy in order not to bring other people down. 

I know you have been really struggling with depression, and I feel for you. I hope that you will find someway to deal with it. I know how all-encompassing and debilitating it can be. I'm so sorry!

 

 

[Frances]

22 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

For heavens sake, DONT WAIT. 

This week alone, I have had 2 deaths of people close to my age. One was 52, the other 41. Neither related to Covid, for whatever that is worth. 

Don't wait.  Figure out what it is that you want and Go DO IT.  

My husband lives by this mantra everyday. He lost his dad to cancer way too young. Although he wants to live for several more decades (and outside of his dad’s melanoma, family genetics could have him living a healthy life close to 100), already in his mid-50s he feels no regrets for lost time because he very consciously makes the most of each day.

[Pawz4me]

LOL. I think my "when I . . . " thoughts are a LOT different than what many on here are referring to.

Mine are things like --

When I live alone I'm never going to cook a big meal (or a meal with meat in it) again

When I live alone I'll only need to do a load of towels every other week

When I live alone I might get ten dogs and six cats. Or goats. Maybe I'll get some pygmy goats for the back yard, I could take the doors off the storage shed and it would make a nice little barn

Like I posted earlier, these thoughts come to me most often when I'm in stressful or transitional chapters of life, so I suppose thinking about a simpler (or more controlled) life isn't unusual during such times. And I posted in a thread a week or so ago that I'm a simple person who mostly enjoys the wonderfulness of the ordinary. So my "when I . . " thoughts very much fit that. I have no desire to do grand things. I think mine is exactly what @Rosie_0801said--thought experiments to prepare for the future.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Yes, I have and currently do feel that way. I know why though. I set aside my dreams and aspirations and allowed circumstances and other people to dictate what I did. Then I played the "as soon as.. I will..." game. Unfortunately, time didn't play the game like I wanted and now I'm of an age where what I wanted to do can no longer be done. I just don't have the years left to become established. There will be no 25 or 30 year dedication awards or retirement parties after 35 years of service. As such, I have had to alter my expectations.

I don't think it's selfish. I think it shows that we are still growing and interested in things. That we have dreams and possibilities and something to give and desire. That we realize there are things out there to achieve and discover. That we have willing and brave hearts. That we aren't finished but still yearning for life.

[Shoeless]

26 minutes ago, Frances said:

My husband lives by this mantra everyday. He lost his dad to cancer way too young. Although he wants to live for several more decades (and outside of his dad’s melanoma, family genetics could have him living a healthy life close to 100), already in his mid-50s he feels no regrets for lost time because he very consciously makes the most of each day.

My BIL died today. He was 41 and leaves my distraught sister and 6 year old niece behind. 

A few days ago, my friends ex died. He was 52-ish. Leaves 2 kids under 10 behind. 

Both died suddenly and unexpectedly. Tomorrow is NOT guaranteed. It is never, ever guaranteed.

[Kassia]

@MissLemonI'm so sorry about your BIL and your friend's ex.  I'll be thinking of you and your family through this very difficult time.  😞  

Thank you for the important reminder that tomorrow is not guaranteed.  

[ShepCarlin]

I hear you. I'm 46 with a graduating HS senior and a HS freshman. I keep saying that I see the light at the end of the tunnel but I don't know what that light is! I have loved, loved, loved homeschooling my boys. I've been a SAHM since my firstborn with a couple of part time jobs thrown in when times were tight. I've loved being home with them but when they are both gone, then what? I'm a planner and I feel the "need" to know what is next. I have no clue. I feel like I have one foot out the door and one foot in...Bilbo leaving for his great adventure yet just not leaving yet, going to put a kettle on instead. Happily married and husband keeps saying do what you want. Sure wish I could figure that out. I like what was said earlier in this thread, I feel like a book series. Time to write the next book...

[Grace Hopper]

In a word, yes!

Seeking to change that this year when youngest flies the coop. 
 

The only thing I am really sorry about is that my list of possible selves is shorter at this stage of the game. 

[marbel]

53 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

LOL. I think my "when I . . . " thoughts are a LOT different than what many on here are referring to.

Mine are things like --

When I live alone I'm never going to cook a big meal (or a meal with meat in it) again

When I live alone I'll only need to do a load of towels every other week

Yep, this is about how I am. I reread my earlier post in this thread and said "travel" but I am not even sure that's something I am craving. More like "when I can get up and go for a nice hike and then out for breakfast and read, without taking anyone else into consideration." Or even something as simple as "when no one puts stuff on my desk but me." 😎 And honestly some of those things I could do without it troubling anyone if I wanted to badly enough. 

I don't regret having people in my life to take into consideration, to be clear. I don't regret that I focused on my kids and home while my husband worked long hours to supply us with all our needs and many of our wants, rather than focusing on myself. And my perspective is probably a bit different than many, as I worked for 20+ years before marrying and having kids. 

Sometimes when I am upset about something I want to do and can't, I ponder what I would think about that at the end of my life.  Will I be happy thinking of the family I cared for, or sad that I didn't accomplish more for myself? (Same for things, fwiw. In the end, will it matter if my kitchen never gets remodeled?) But I'm sure some of that is also a function of age where it is getting easier to let go. 

Edited January 30, 2022 by marbel

[Rosie_0801]

What is life anyway? Eating, sleeping and knowing enough to grow up, reproduce and raise those kids. Trying to be bored as little as possible because boredom feels bad. Helping other people out so they can get their kids raised and be bored as little as possible, and trying to ensure we all still have a functioning planet to raise them on. It's not very glamorous, really.

Glamour is probably a cultural construct that has to be forced into existence by sheer willpower and that sounds like a lot of work. If I had that much willpower, I don't think I'd want to use it for that anyway. 

[The Governess]

My eldest is a freshman at college out of state and my youngest decided she wanted to go the the local public school for high school. This year, for the first time, I feel like I am actually living life in a balanced way and spending a good portion of my energy on things that feed my soul rather than just support my family. I’ve worked part time on and off, but this year I am teaching full time, and my evenings are no longer spent driving my daughter to the dance studio and waiting for her to finish class (it was a long commute). My youngest is involved in theater at the high school which is right by our house, so transportation is simple. I have found unexpected kindred spirits in a couple of my work colleagues. I’m taking online classes here and there with the goal of slowly working towards a masters in English Lit. Both girls are very independent and don’t need as much from me anymore. I thought that would make me sad, but instead it has been wonderful to be able to let them take control of their own lives, not know every detail of their days, and just enjoy the parts they share with me, and of course be there for them in for them in those times that they still need my guidance and support. I feel like a whole person for the first time in a very long time; I didn’t realize how “unwhole” I had been feeling until now.
 

[Melissa Louise]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

What is life anyway? Eating, sleeping and knowing enough to grow up, reproduce and raise those kids. Trying to be bored as little as possible because boredom feels bad. Helping other people out so they can get their kids raised and be bored as little as possible, and trying to ensure we all still have a functioning planet to raise them on. It's not very glamorous, really.

Glamour is probably a cultural construct that has to be forced into existence by sheer willpower and that sounds like a lot of work. If I had that much willpower, I don't think I'd want to use it for that anyway. 

I do a lot better when I accept that this is basically as much intrinsic 'meaning' as there is in life. 

And then practice not being bored and not projecting into a future that doesn't exist by going out in nature, writing, meditating etc. 

 

[Melissa Louise]

I will hold on to my 'when the last kid leaves home, and I move out too, I will rarely cook a meal' plan for my future life, though. 

That's when life will really start! 🙂

Idk. I think reading too much fiction as a child really stuffed things up for me. I'm having trouble that my life narrative so far is very disjointed, and the over-arching narrative isn't (yet) emerging - but I think this is the difference between a novel and life. 

Life is poorly structured, imo. 

[Garga]

2 hours ago, Pawz4me said:

LOL. I think my "when I . . . " thoughts are a LOT different than what many on here are referring to.

Mine are things like --

When I live alone I'm never going to cook a big meal (or a meal with meat in it) again

When I live alone I'll only need to do a load of towels every other week

When I live alone I might get ten dogs and six cats. Or goats. Maybe I'll get some pygmy goats for the back yard, I could take the doors off the storage shed and it would make a nice little barn

Like I posted earlier, these thoughts come to me most often when I'm in stressful or transitional chapters of life, so I suppose thinking about a simpler (or more controlled) life isn't unusual during such times. And I posted in a thread a week or so ago that I'm a simple person who mostly enjoys the wonderfulness of the ordinary. So my "when I . . " thoughts very much fit that. I have no desire to do grand things. I think mine is exactly what @Rosie_0801said--thought experiments to prepare for the future.

 

1 hour ago, marbel said:

Yep, this is about how I am. I reread my earlier post in this thread and said "travel" but I am not even sure that's something I am craving. More like "when I can get up and go for a nice hike and then out for breakfast and read, without taking anyone else into consideration." Or even something as simple as "when no one puts stuff on my desk but me." 😎 And honestly some of those things I could do without it troubling anyone if I wanted to badly enough. 

I don't regret having people in my life to take into consideration, to be clear. I don't regret that I focused on my kids and home while my husband worked long hours to supply us with all our needs and many of our wants, rather than focusing on myself. And my perspective is probably a bit different than many, as I worked for 20+ years before marrying and having kids. 

Sometimes when I am upset about something I want to do and can't, I ponder what I would think about that at the end of my life.  Will I be happy thinking of the family I cared for, or sad that I didn't accomplish more for myself? (Same for things, fwiw. In the end, will it matter if my kitchen never gets remodeled?) But I'm sure some of that is also a function of age where it is getting easier to let go. 

 

40 minutes ago, The Governess said:

My eldest is a freshman at college out of state and my youngest decided she wanted to go the the local public school for high school. This year, for the first time, I feel like I am actually living life in a balanced way and spending a good portion of my energy on things that feed my soul rather than just support my family. I’ve worked part time on and off, but this year I am teaching full time, and my evenings are no longer spent driving my daughter to the dance studio and waiting for her to finish class (it was a long commute). My youngest is involved in theater at the high school which is right by our house, so transportation is simple. I have found unexpected kindred spirits in a couple of my work colleagues. I’m taking online classes here and there with the goal of slowly working towards a masters in English Lit. Both girls are very independent and don’t need as much from me anymore. I thought that would make me sad, but instead it has been wonderful to be able to let them take control of their own lives, not know every detail of their days, and just enjoy the parts they share with me, and of course be there for them in for them in those times that they still need my guidance and support. I feel like a whole person for the first time in a very long time; I didn’t realize how “unwhole” I had been feeling until now.
 

OP here. After having read the replies, I’m realizing that for me, it’s these three posts that describe best what I’m feeling. It’s not necessarily the grand things that I catch myself fantasizing about. I just want a bit more control over my own little environment, like with what meals I eat and how I spend my days when I’m puttering around at home. It’s those little compromises all day long that wear me down, and I don’t see any way around them. 

And that’s when I catch myself thinking, “Well, one day when I live alone, I’m going to eat spaghetti three times a week and get rid of all those kitchen appliances I never use.” (My dh and ds use a lot of appliances that I never touch.)

I suppose I’m glad that I’m still managing to find meaning in my life overall, but I do fantasize about, “When I live alone….” though at the same time, I never actually want to live alone!

[Melissa Louise]

13 minutes ago, Garga said:

 

 

OP here. After having read the replies, I’m realizing that for me, it’s these three posts that describe best what I’m feeling. It’s not necessarily the grand things that I catch myself fantasizing about. I just want a bit more control over my own little environment, like with what meals I eat and how I spend my days when I’m puttering around at home. It’s those little compromises all day long that wear me down, and I don’t see any way around them. 

And that’s when I catch myself thinking, “Well, one day when I live alone, I’m going to eat spaghetti three times a week and get rid of all those kitchen appliances I never use.” (My dh and ds use a lot of appliances that I never touch.)

I suppose I’m glad that I’m still managing to find meaning in my life overall, but I do fantasize about, “When I live alone….” though at the same time, I never actually want to live alone!

You just want more autonomy, then. 

And it currently resides in a fantasy of future. 

Move it into the now!  

(I have almost stopped cooking - I do a lot of low-cook meals, and when I don't want to even do that, I just don't do it. I don't have small kids though). 

Assign yourself a no-cook day. Clear out a cupboard that's yours, and keep it looking kitchen-minimal. Put days on the calendar called 'Mum is doing what she wants day, don't ask me for anything, I'm pottering). 

[plaidpants]

Yes. I spent a lot of time when I was younger being a grown up and/or being subject to the very fragile personalities of the people who were supposed to be grown ups. And then when I was a grown up, nothing changed. I thought once I finished my degree, I'd get to "do more" for me-- not selfish but selfist, and then we all know what happened in 2020. So no exploring anything, no changing my life situation, no planning for the future, just reaching the end of the rope and tying a knot to hold on to. I somehow still have hope for this year, this season. I don't know if I changed or if I'm just picking up on something, but we'll see what happens.

[mom2scouts]

3 hours ago, MissLemon said:

For heavens sake, DONT WAIT. 

This week alone, I have had 2 deaths of people close to my age. One was 52, the other 41. Neither related to Covid, for whatever that is worth. 

Don't wait.  Figure out what it is that you want and Go DO IT.  

Yes, I've been thinking about this lately. A new friend, my age, is in the hospital fighting for her life (not Covid related). I just wish I knew what it is I should be doing.

[SKL]

I might have been in my 40s the last time I caught myself thinking "when I grow up ...."

Last night I told my mom that I hope I'll be able to do things (physically) when I'm retired.  My mom pointed out that I've been blessed to be able to do some things during my work life.  She and many others had very limited ability to pursue dreams IRL, and now she has so many physical problems.  (I'm glad I took her on a few trips back when that was possible for her.)

So no, I am not waiting for my life to start, but it hasn't been that long since I was.  And I kind of liked that better than now, when looking ahead means looking toward my declining years.