Are you still waiting for your life to start?

[SKL]

And oddly, I sometimes still think "when I have kids I will do ___ with them."  But I already have two 15yos, and I've missed a lot of those windows.  Weird brain stuff.

[DawnM]

My "used to be youngest" is graduating in June from high school and I thought we would be close to empty nesters now and could downsize and travel more, etc....and maybe just stop working.

Sigh.....then I collected people......elderly father, 2.5 year old boy (just turned 4), and we will never "have a life" but then I have to wonder, what does "have a life" look like?   Why do we even say that?

I have a life, with people who love me and who I love.....that *is* life.

we still have plans for things like "when dad doesn't need to live with us anymore" and stuff, but overall.....this is it.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Pawz4me said:

LOL. I think my "when I . . . " thoughts are a LOT different than what many on here are referring to.

Mine are things like --

When I live alone I'm never going to cook a big meal (or a meal with meat in it) again

When I live alone I'll only need to do a load of towels every other week

When I live alone I might get ten dogs and six cats. Or goats. Maybe I'll get some pygmy goats for the back yard, I could take the doors off the storage shed and it would make a nice little barn

Like I posted earlier, these thoughts come to me most often when I'm in stressful or transitional chapters of life, so I suppose thinking about a simpler (or more controlled) life isn't unusual during such times. And I posted in a thread a week or so ago that I'm a simple person who mostly enjoys the wonderfulness of the ordinary. So my "when I . . " thoughts very much fit that. I have no desire to do grand things. I think mine is exactly what @Rosie_0801said--thought experiments to prepare for the future.

I do think things like this, even though I have no reason to think dh is going anywhere. But I will think, “I’m getting a dog in the future…I’m going to have a bakery and my art will be on the walls and people will buy them…I’m going to live on a lake…” Stuff like that. 

[TexasProud]

21 hours ago, Garga said:

Why do I feel like I don’t own my own life? Does everyone feel this way? Are we all waiting for our lives to begin?  Is it simple selfishness, and I just want to do what I want to do without having to think about anyone else? Or maybe a lot of wives/mothers feel this way?

Yep, I TOTALLY get this. I think when I was 18-20 I was sold a bill of goods that it was a new time for women: we could pursue our own dreams, have a fabulous family, etc. You know, the whole bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan kind of thing ( Maybe I'm the only one old enough to remember those ads.) The truth is you cannot.  But I cannot have a fulfilling life without both, which is impossible. 

I was going to be a singer/songwriter and tour around, but that doesn't work with a doctor...not unless you want a nanny to raise your children.  Then of course there is the whole are you really talented enough to do that thing...nope. Not really.  I am just ordinary.  So many of my dreams were my doing extraordinary fabulous things. Very, very, very few people actually get to ever do those things and mostly they are lucky.

6 hours ago, elegantlion said:

 I was enjoying this new unexpected journey until 2020. It took me years to get to the point I felt like I was together and living and wham, now it's all on hold again. I feel like I'm holding my breath and I'm tired. 

 

Yep, I dared to dream. There was no one to take care of. Hubby was actively helping me figure out who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do and I was so incredibly happy. Then Covid took away everything I enjoyed about my new life. Now my mom's diagnosis.  And the timing for when Covid ends seems to stretch out. So maybe 5 more years...but then I am hoping for mom to die?? How incredibly twisted is that?  But  I have hours of just sitting in the room while she reads on her ipad or watches MSNBC. 

4 hours ago, MissLemon said:

For heavens sake, DONT WAIT. 

This week alone, I have had 2 deaths of people close to my age. One was 52, the other 41. Neither related to Covid, for whatever that is worth. 

Don't wait.  Figure out what it is that you want and Go DO IT.  

I have been trying and I keep telling myself I need to figure it out and I am hyperventilating because I am out of time. Really, it is too late. 

3 hours ago, Granny_Weatherwax said:

Yes, I have and currently do feel that way. I know why though. I set aside my dreams and aspirations and allowed circumstances and other people to dictate what I did. Then I played the "as soon as.. I will..." game. Unfortunately, time didn't play the game like I wanted and now I'm of an age where what I wanted to do can no longer be done. I just don't have the years left to become established. There will be no 25 or 30 year dedication awards or retirement parties after 35 years of service. As such, I have had to alter my expectations.
 

Yeah, but I am so tired of having to adjust and adjust and adjust.

The thought of having absolutely no one to take care of sounds heavenly to me, but I doubt it will ever happen. 

[Rosie_0801]

15 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but I am so tired of having to adjust and adjust and adjust.

Every time I think I'm afraid of something, it turns out I just can't be bothered to readjust.

[Ting Tang]

I thought I commented on this, but I know just how you feel.  I turned 41 two days ago, and I have four children ranging in age from 5-10.  I've always felt time moved too quickly, and I didn't get married until I was 30.  My plan was never to have four children, but after each one, I didn't feel "done."  I married someone whose job is literally tied to our location (agriculture), and I always have this feeling of hoping to go back "home," despite this being where I married and am raising a family. It is also impossible for that to ever happen. It's not that I'd go without them, it's just I came from an area where people aspire to go and now live in an area where some people want to escape.  But time is also limited with four children, and I have been going on my husband's annual vacation for 12 years, and I just keep...waiting!  But I know time is slipping away and life happens when you are busy making plans.  Also, I do not feel 41 in my mind. I still feel like the same person I was 20 years ago.  Anyway, you only live once, and I know I should live up to those words. I know I should cherish these times.  Nobody is particularly happy right now with this darn pandemic, so that doesn't help. 

[Ting Tang]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

I do think things like this, even though I have no reason to think dh is going anywhere. But I will think, “I’m getting a dog in the future…I’m going to have a bakery and my art will be on the walls and people will buy them…I’m going to live on a lake…” Stuff like that. 

I can relate to the dog thing.  I have a dog, and she is a smooth collie. I adore her to pieces.  I also want the kind of dog I had before I got married, little and fluffy.  It's not my husband's type of dog, so the collie was a nice mix between our two dog styles. But there is a strong chance I am going to inherit my in-laws' dog, too, who is sweet, but is their style dog and not mine.  How dumb, but if you think about it, unless you have a zoo, you don't get to have that many dogs in your life! 

Edited January 30, 2022 by KrisTom

[Frances]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Yep, I TOTALLY get this. I think when I was 18-20 I was sold a bill of goods that it was a new time for women: we could pursue our own dreams, have a fabulous family, etc. You know, the whole bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan kind of thing ( Maybe I'm the only one old enough to remember those ads.) The truth is you cannot.  But I cannot have a fulfilling life without both, which is impossible. 

I was going to be a singer/songwriter and tour around, but that doesn't work with a doctor...not unless you want a nanny to raise your children.  Then of course there is the whole are you really talented enough to do that thing...nope. Not really.  I am just ordinary.  So many of my dreams were my doing extraordinary fabulous things. Very, very, very few people actually get to ever do those things and mostly they are lucky.

Yep, I dared to dream. There was no one to take care of. Hubby was actively helping me figure out who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do and I was so incredibly happy. Then Covid took away everything I enjoyed about my new life. Now my mom's diagnosis.  And the timing for when Covid ends seems to stretch out. So maybe 5 more years...but then I am hoping for mom to die?? How incredibly twisted is that?  But  I have hours of just sitting in the room while she reads on her ipad or watches MSNBC. 

I have been trying and I keep telling myself I need to figure it out and I am hyperventilating because I am out of time. Really, it is too late. 

Yeah, but I am so tired of having to adjust and adjust and adjust.

The thought of having absolutely no one to take care of sounds heavenly to me, but I doubt it will ever happen. 

It really isn’t too late. Many people are not in the financial and relationship position that you and your husband are. That alone makes many more dreams and goals possible.

[marbel]

2 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but I am so tired of having to adjust and adjust and adjust.

I get you but... everyone has to adjust and adjust. There is always change! 

Most people don't live wonderful, easy, fulfilled lives. I suppose there are some people who "have it all," whatever that means. I don't know any personally. Most people are struggling in one area or another, and not getting to do all the things they want to do. The happiest people I know are content with their circumstances, though there is nothing wrong with working toward more [free time, travel, whatever one is looking for], unless it turns into discontent and bitterness. (I'm not saying anyone here is expressing discontent or bitterness.)

Edited January 31, 2022 by marbel

[regentrude]

Re: out of time

I find it important not to conflate the consequences of our choices with the impossibility of a future. Sure, every choice we made in our past lives has closed some doors and precluded other paths. There is no point in regretting that because we can't change the past. But OTOH, there are thirty years between 50 and 80! That's as much time as between 20 and 50, and we are wiser. It may be too late for some things (becoming a professional athlete), but that's a lot of years to pursue something new. 

@TexasProud: there's no reason you can't be a singer-songwriter now. Maybe you won't go on national tours, but you can compose, write lyrics, record, perform locally. I bought myself a guitar when I was 51 and hadn't played since my early 20s. I dipped my toes into songwriting,  performed at local open mics. No, it won't ever be my career and I won't be famous - but that doesn't mean I can't have fun making music, even if right now I won't attend live events indoors.

Edited January 31, 2022 by regentrude

[Frances]

10 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Re: out of time

I find it important not to conflate the consequences of our choices with the impossibility of a future. Sure, every choice we made in our past lives has closed some doors and precluded other paths. There is no point in regretting that because we can't change the past. But OTOH, there are thirty years between 50 and 80! That's as much time as between 20 and 50, and we are wiser. It may be too late for some things (becoming a professional athlete), but that's a lot of years to pursue something new. 

@TexasProud: there's no reason you can't be a singer-songwriter now. Maybe you won't go on national tours, but you can compose, write lyrics, record, perform locally. I bought myself a guitar when I was 51 and hadn't played since my early 20s. I dipped my toes into songwriting,  performed at local open mics. No, it won't ever be my career and I won't be famous - but that doesn't mean I can't have fun making music, even if right now I won't attend live events indoors.

So much this. I had a college friends who was not the least bit talented in music or theatre, but she loved to perform. And she was an evangelical Christian. So when her 30+ year marriage was falling apart and her kids were grown and gone, she connected with an old friend and during the summers they would travel around to different vacation Bible schools and perform songs and skits. It gave her great joy. Sadly, she ended up dying of cancer right around the time her divorce was final and got way too little time with her grandchildren, her ultimate joy. But the point is, her marriage was crumbling and they had always struggled financially because she never worked and her husband had only a high school diploma, but she still went out and made a performance dream come true. And got the added benefit of the close fellowship with her good friend.

So if she can do it, certainly someone fortunate enough to be in a solid marriage with good financial resources can also somehow make their dreams come true. Maybe not exactly as you, @TexasProudpictured them at 20, but that’s life. Most of us, for good or bad, don’t have lives that turn out exactly as we envisioned in our younger years.

Edited January 31, 2022 by Frances

[Ting Tang]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Yep, I TOTALLY get this. I think when I was 18-20 I was sold a bill of goods that it was a new time for women: we could pursue our own dreams, have a fabulous family, etc. You know, the whole bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan kind of thing ( Maybe I'm the only one old enough to remember those ads.) The truth is you cannot.  But I cannot have a fulfilling life without both, which is impossible. 

I was going to be a singer/songwriter and tour around, but that doesn't work with a doctor...not unless you want a nanny to raise your children.  Then of course there is the whole are you really talented enough to do that thing...nope. Not really.  I am just ordinary.  So many of my dreams were my doing extraordinary fabulous things. Very, very, very few people actually get to ever do those things and mostly they are lucky.

Yep, I dared to dream. There was no one to take care of. Hubby was actively helping me figure out who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do and I was so incredibly happy. Then Covid took away everything I enjoyed about my new life. Now my mom's diagnosis.  And the timing for when Covid ends seems to stretch out. So maybe 5 more years...but then I am hoping for mom to die?? How incredibly twisted is that?  But  I have hours of just sitting in the room while she reads on her ipad or watches MSNBC. 

I have been trying and I keep telling myself I need to figure it out and I am hyperventilating because I am out of time. Really, it is too late. 

Yeah, but I am so tired of having to adjust and adjust and adjust.

The thought of having absolutely no one to take care of sounds heavenly to me, but I doubt it will ever happen. 

My dad has been in/out of hospitals/LTC in his 60s, and I live nextdoor to my in-laws, and MIL is dealing with pancreatic cancer. We are in our 40s.  I wish sometimes I had children younger so I just wouldn't feel so tired between youngish children and aging parents.  And sadly, my kids may deal with the same.  

[Hilltopmom]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

My "used to be youngest" is graduating in June from high school and I thought we would be close to empty nesters now and could downsize and travel more, etc....and maybe just stop working.

Sigh.....then I collected people......elderly father, 2.5 year old boy (just turned 4), and we will never "have a life" but then I have to wonder, what does "have a life" look like?   Why do we even say that?

I have a life, with people who love me and who I love.....that *is* life.

we still have plans for things like "when dad doesn't need to live with us anymore" and stuff, but overall.....this is it.

I understand. We don’t have a parent living with us but the big kids are grown and the little ones are in early elementary school.. we’ll have kids living at home for a long, long time. THIS is what our life is like. We have adjusted some things to be more what we want (not doing kid sports, scouts, etc- covid made that easy), my parents bought a camp that we are all using to do more outside stuff (hike, canoe, etc). 

[HS Mom in NC]

I consider everything I've ever experienced my life. Some parts of it I've enjoyed more than others, but I count it all as my life.   Life happens in chapters.  Each chapter is different and each begins and ends.  It's not a bad idea to occasionally think about the next chapter sometimes and then more so the closer you get to the end of a chapter.

For example, many a homeschool mom, particularly long term homeschool moms, (I retire next year at 22 consecutive years homeschooling 3 kids K-12) feel adrift when they don't think ahead and then BAM! the kids are off doing their young adult thing.  Most people don't enjoy the adrift feeling.  So for the last 5 years or so (when youngest was 12ish) I've really been thinking about what I'll do after homeschooling.  I'm in the process of transitioning now. It feels better after having figured it out compared to when I first started seriously thinking about it. 

[footballmom]

I feel this so much.  I’m closer to 50 than 40, kids are getting older, DH has gone through two extended bouts of lay off / job hunting and I went back to work FT within the last few years.  I’m tired of being so darn responsible and asleep to myself.  I love my family, but it has been their oxygen masks first and while we have good income now and can do more savings and creature comforts, there are some big unknowns.  Layer in a pandemic where we can’t do a vacation we dreamed about.  Layer in our oldest deciding colleges and really deciding ours and DC for cost split and I feel a little stuck.

In my best life, I would have 2 hours to myself every morning for exercise and hobbies, time to get myself properly ready, and a fun vacation in the works (can you tell I’m itching to travel?). Instead, it’s taking care of big and little tasks and treading water between being a mom, wife and employee.  I do some things for myself, but I have a lot of responsibilities to my loves that I’ve put first.  My life is lovely and filled with joy and blessings, but I wish I could do a better job consistently making just ME a piece of the pie chart.

[SKL]

On the other side of things, my mom is dreading the day when she can no longer "contribute" by doing laundry for other family members.

I really don't know where I'm going to come out once nobody needs me for anything.  Half of me looks forward to just being able to do what pleases me.  The other half feels like that will get old quick.

[Shoeless]

4 hours ago, mom2scouts said:

Yes, I've been thinking about this lately. A new friend, my age, is in the hospital fighting for her life (not Covid related). I just wish I knew what it is I should be doing.

Do anything. Seriously, just start something, anything. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't, but at least you will have found out and spent your time doing something. It's better than waiting for the stars to align for the perfect amount of time, money, motivation, location, job situation, whatever. 

Doing anything is better than nothing. 

My mother is 71 years old. She has been so paralyzed by shame and anxiety her entire life that she's done NOTHING her entire life. She fiddles around on the internet and goes grocery shopping. That's about it. She's not happy. She's terrified of failing at life, so she's done nothing instead. No hobbies, no friends, no family, no job, nothing. 

I'm not going out like that. No way. I may never achieve conventional "success", like a fancy degree and job, but I am not wasting one more day fretting that I am not enough and don't deserve to invest in my life. 

[Beth S]

I've loved this thread.  I'm 58yo, w/Empty Nest for 18 months. 
I had assumed I'd go back to work, but I haven't had the margin to do so.
All I can say is that I've surprisingly enjoyed discovering what this New Season of Life includes. 
It's not a vacation.
My To Do List is more manageable now . . . but still full each day.
It's a combination of helping others (parents, kids, community) , maintaining the house, and Hobby/Enrichment time.
Another big surprising pleasure has been sorting/preserving/enjoying my Sentimental items.

And I totally agree with the Be Content in your current season of life, b/c life is unpredictable!

ETA:  Clarifying = the Empty Nest has quite a few constraints, too, which were unanticipated.
 

Edited January 31, 2022 by Beth S

[Rosie_0801]

23 minutes ago, SKL said:

On the other side of things, my mom is dreading the day when she can no longer "contribute" by doing laundry for other family members.

I really don't know where I'm going to come out once nobody needs me for anything.  Half of me looks forward to just being able to do what pleases me.  The other half feels like that will get old quick.

It does.

[ScoutTN]

Not waiting for life to start. Just struggling in my current stage.

I married late and am an old mom at 56 with kids 14 and 16. I am doing the best I can to restart a career to help pay for college for Dd and private high school for Ds. Not lots of choices for me, with two useless degrees and little helpful work experience. Dh and I each made many unwise financial choices as young adults which mean that we will have to work FT until we cannot due to health/aging. We cannot afford to retire.

Meanwhile just trying to get kids launched and take care of my mom85. Thankfully, she has resources and lives in a nice AL, so I am not her primary caretaker. 

I have many regrets. Sometimes overwhelming. So many huge mistakes. I loved being home with my kids when they were little and homeschooling the younger years. It feels like those were the best years and everything since then is just really hard all the time. I love my teens, but they are challenging! 
 
I enjoy the PT work I have and am still a learner in many ways. I am purposefully putting thought, time, energy, and a little money into hobbies and things that I find fulfilling. 
 

@BlsdMama Love the CSL quote! 
 

 

 

[teachermom2834]

Not exactly the same but I am in a transition time and thinking about things.

I think I envisioned being a lot older when my kids were raised. Like raising my kids would be my life. I didn’t think much beyond that. Now I’m wrapping up and I’m 47. That’s not as old as I thought it would be. But it’s pretty old to start from scratch. 
 

I’m retiring from homeschooling and ready to retire to Florida. My husband informs me he has to work another twenty years. 
 

So while I am not waiting for my life to start I guess I’m kind of waiting for it to be over. I don’t mean that in a morbid sense. I just started this parenting thing when I was 23 yo and had zero perspective. I didn’t understand that I could devote my entire life to them and then still have a whole ‘nuther life to live. So here we are. 
 

I’m too young to be old but too old to be young. Must find a hobby quickly.

[TexasProud]

 

11 hours ago, regentrude said:

Re: out of time

I find it important not to conflate the consequences of our choices with the impossibility of a future. Sure, every choice we made in our past lives has closed some doors and precluded other paths. There is no point in regretting that because we can't change the past. But OTOH, there are thirty years between 50 and 80! That's as much time as between 20 and 50, and we are wiser. It may be too late for some things (becoming a professional athlete), but that's a lot of years to pursue something new. 

@TexasProud: there's no reason you can't be a singer-songwriter now. Maybe you won't go on national tours, but you can compose, write lyrics, record, perform locally. I bought myself a guitar when I was 51 and hadn't played since my early 20s. I dipped my toes into songwriting,  performed at local open mics. No, it won't ever be my career and I won't be famous - but that doesn't mean I can't have fun making music, even if right now I won't attend live events indoors.

 

11 hours ago, Frances said:

So much this. I had a college friends who was not the least bit talented in music or theatre, but she loved to perform. And she was an evangelical Christian. So when her 30+ year marriage was falling apart and her kids were grown and gone, she connected with an old friend and during the summers they would travel around to different vacation Bible schools and perform songs and skits. It gave her great joy. Sadly, she ended up dying of cancer right around the time her divorce was final and got way too little time with her grandchildren, her ultimate joy. But the point is, her marriage was crumbling and they had always struggled financially because she never worked and her husband had only a high school diploma, but she still went out and made a performance dream come true. And got the added benefit of the close fellowship with her good friend.

So if she can do it, certainly someone fortunate enough to be in a solid marriage with good financial resources can also somehow make their dreams come true. Maybe not exactly as you, @TexasProudpictured them at 20, but that’s life. Most of us, for good or bad, don’t have lives that turn out exactly as we envisioned in our younger years.

Exactly, she FINALLY figured out what she wanted and she died. And I am not a good songwriter. I did try. It sucked. Performing in musical theater, that could be fun...  Oh yeah. Covid.  Really being out with anyone rather than trapped, but no, there is Covid. My good friends were all involved in a youth event this weekend. One, where I normally hosted a houseful of kids. One where I helped. They are all telling their stories about the wonderful things God did this weekend. I shouldn't feel envy. Good things happened.  While I sit alone in my home.  But I cannot expose myself when I have to take care of mom. 

9 hours ago, MissLemon said:

Do anything. Seriously, just start something, anything. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't, but at least you will have found out and spent your time doing something. It's better than waiting for the stars to align for the perfect amount of time, money, motivation, location, job situation, whatever. 

Doing anything is better than nothing. 

I guess. But it will never make me happy or carefree.   I was happy when I was 13, but then my boyfriend is killed by a drunk driver who plowed through a fence at a putt putt golf place and dragged him 50 feet. I work very hard the next few years to make sure his sister is ok, well as ok as she can be. ( She was my best friend.)  I got to be happy for awhile in college and early marriage. It was fun, exciting and adventuresome. My parents divorced, but I was no longer living with them, so did not have to take care of them anymore. They were not my responsibility. 

Then kids.  I wish I had realized how hard caring about them would be. I wouldn't have had them, but then I couldn't have married my husband as he LIVES for family. But homeschooling meant I was responsible for making sure they learned everything they needed to learn.  I needed to make sure I taught them the right lessons for life. I researched and did it to the best of my ability. But so much weight.  And in the end, I failed at a lot of that despite my best efforts. I could not have tried to do the right thing anymore than I did, but for what? I failed.

So much weight taking care of my dad and my husband's grandmother. That finally lifted.  My husband's stress and burnout caused him to be in intensive care for a week. But 2 weeks later he is back to doing what drove him to that. I lost it. 

It finally lifted. I got a job and was having a ball. I was so happy, until the phone call in the middle of class where your child is in a psychiatric hospital for suicide.  He is doing well now. But who knows. I mean I had absolutely no idea that time. So I can get a phone call at any time that he succeeded this time. No rest from that. 

Or my daughter. Won't get into it, but something happened that totally changed her. Will she be able to have a happy marriage? Who knows. She is getting counseling. But if she ever gets into a serious relationship,  I just don't see. 

But my husband retired. I am going to seminary because it is fun. Oh I have the practical answer about why I am doing it. But really, because it sounded fun. I went to class and interacted with people of different races and places from all over the world. I discovered a talent for writing. I loved being there. Classes were a ton of work, but so much fun! My husband and I are in a sweet place. We love serving in missions together. I am good at missions. Then Covid. I am here. Stuck.

But then Covid starts to lift. People get vaccinated. Mission work begins to open up. My husband and I are on a camping vacation and I am so incredibly happy. And the phone call... mom has cancer all over her body. Covid gets worse. And here I am again, alone, in my house. 

And I have no drive. Got some new caregivers set up, so I should be able to stay home for the next couple of weeks. So far, I have binge watched Scandal and done my minimum of seminary work. ( This semester is easy. Only taking 5 hours of easy media classes. Already finished the harder theology and Bible classes.) I graduate in May.  I don't know what I want to do.  Writing is fun, but I don't want to have to do the stuff you need to do to get published. Besides which I sit down to write these days and write nothing. I can't. I have been cleaning house, but who really cares. If people were coming over? 

Honestly, I have to have someone to perform for, to be accountable for. I have actually gained weight, not lost it. I have done NOTHING on that goal thread. If I am not doing it for anyone who cares. 

I was SO excited about empty nest.  I could lead Bible studies. I could go on mission trips. I could be in a community musical theater production. I could volunteer at the Boys and Girls club, maybe work with it for it to be more like our Honduran after school program that is so successful. I could work in the food pantry. And of course, keep singing in choir and praise team. But I cannot do any of that. I have to make sure mom is taken care of. No one at any of those places wears masks.  I cannot do that and then take care of my mother. 

But I know. A privileged white woman whining.  I mean really. I am not in Honduras digging through the dumpster to find something to eat. I don't live in the projects where a stray bullet could end my life, where I get followed in the street or shot for driving in the wrong neighborhood. The world is so incredibly screwed up. And I am worried about being happy. What a joke. Most people in the world only care about surviving. 

So that is what I will do. Survive. But I am really lonely. 

[Eos]

24 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Survive.

Sending you hugs and an hour glass.  This too shall pass. 

I hear PTSD in your timeline, I hope you can figure out how to have compassion for yourself and your past.  You truly did the best you could with the skills you had at the time. You shouldn't have been the one to maintain your teen bf's sister.  That wasn't your job, you were too young.  You didn't fail at homeschooling unless you held yourself to an impossible standard. 

My family has a saying that is: Not my fault, but my consequence.  Son's suicide attempt was not your fault.  Daughter's situation was not your fault.  Husband's burnout is not your fault. Mom's cancer is not your fault.  But all of these have consequences for you.  Your ability to live and help others through them is a testament to an inner strength you pretend not to have - maybe because it wasn't strong enough to prevent all these things in the first place?  Unrealistic.  Other peoples' tragedies are not ours to control but ours to lovingly witness with compassion, for them and for ourselves as we are grieving with them. 

Hang in there, strong @TexasProud.  Bypassing those events your friends are doing to care safely for your mother is part of this season of your life.  Your ministry skills will be deeper for others who have to go through the things you've witnessed and experienced.

[TexasProud]

24 minutes ago, Eos said:

 

Hang in there, strong @TexasProud.  Bypassing those events your friends are doing to care safely for your mother is part of this season of your life.  Your ministry skills will be deeper for others who have to go through the things you've witnessed and experienced.

But this “season” of life has gone on for 40 years, heck, really for 54. I was the one that could soothe the savage beast as a child. Heck, when I was 21, my uncles sent me in to calm my dad when he was uncontrollable. 

Yes, eventually my mom will pass, which once again how do I deal with the fact that I cannot live my life until she is gone.  I mean, really, how callous and horrible is that. 

But after that, I will get breast cancer, or my husband will have another incident, or a kid gets in a car crash. 

But again, people on this board have lost a child, care for severely disabled children, etc.  I am a weak wimp. 

[TravelingChris]

Absolutely not! Never have.  As it is, my life is a lot different than I thought it would be 15 years ago when my chronic autoimmune illnesses really started getting worse. 

[Eos]

6 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Heck, when I was 21, my uncles sent me in to calm my dad when he was uncontrollable. 

Again, not your job.  Summoning compassion for ourselves means realizing that sometimes we don't have adult skills because the actual adults in our lives didn't teach them to us.

[marbel]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

But again, people on this board have lost a child, care for severely disabled children, etc.  I am a weak wimp. 

No, you are not a weak wimp. Everyone is different and their loads and (to throw in some Christian-ese) trials are different.

I'd say you've dealt with a lot. You've also been given a lot. You have the gift of ministry and it seems a heart to use it (your seminary studies, etc). You have a strong marriage and have made no secret of the fact that you are financially secure. 

Take it easy on yourself, stop calling yourself negative names, and keep moving forward with your studies. At 54, you likely have a lot of years before you and as you know, things can and will change. Keep preparing yourself for the next thing you are called to do. 

[almondbutterandjelly]

I was thinking of how much free time I would have when dd finished high school.  Ha!  Elder care, supporting dd in a variety of ways during college, Pandemic.  No "scads of free time."  

I do a few hours of volunteering a week, getting Sunday school curriculum ready for the kids.  That's for me.  That's my time.  It meets my "curriculum junkie" needs since I'm no longer homeschooling.  I don't work with the kids, though, just do all the prep for the teachers and some bulletin boards.  I find that most kids annoy me now if I have to supervise them. Look from afar?  Adorable.  Work directly with them and they don't do what they're told?  No, thank you.

I do think that we got more hope when we downsized.  We never realized how much of owning a house is a money pit.  Every decade or so, another 10 thousand dollar expense.  And if dh died, how would I fix things and maintain the yard?  It was fearful living in a house these last couple of years. Now that we are in an apartment, it feels like we have more possibilities.  It's definitely cheaper than owning a house (no home maintenance budget, no exterminator bills, no big expenses like appliances or a/c or roof).  Plus we can be mobile if we want.  If in a year, we want to move, we can.  

I ponder working again.  Sometimes I think teaching, because I have a math degree, and any local private school would happily take me.  But kids tend to annoy me now (if they don't behave).  So then I think Administrative Assistant because I'm good at it and it's low stress.  But then I'd be tied down to a job, and I do still have responsibilities that sort of preclude that right now.  So maybe I will never go back to work.  Dh plans to retire in seven years.  

[KungFuPanda]

On 1/30/2022 at 9:22 AM, BlsdMama said:

I say we do both. TWTM biker gang - I vote yes. Leather jackets with a beehive on the back. Ya’all in?

Can I get a Vespa? I think I can pull it off. 🤣

[Rosie_0801]

4 hours ago, TexasProud said:

 I am a weak wimp. 

Sounds more like optimism to me. Grieving the loss of optimism.

[AroundtheCorner]

I love these kinds of threads. I’ve been here for over 20 years. Partly because there were other people here who understood what I was going through, whatever that may be. I’m in a much different place in my life now than I was while homeschooling littles, but it’s still so helpful to hear other’s experiences and feel like someone else gets it.  I’m in a better place now, but still struggling to figure out this post-raising kids part of my life. I can relate to so much that has been written, and my heart hurts for those who are having a difficult time. 

Many years ago there was a field that I was interested in pursuing. I was on track to make progress and reach personal goals related to this field. Then life happened and pretty much everything for me personally was put on the back burner. Now I’m returning, and it’s disheartening to see other’s progress through all of these years, because they were able to continue. We were peers so long ago, but now they’ve excelled and here I am back at square one. It’s frustrating. I wouldn’t/couldn’t have done things differently though, so it is what it is. I’m jumping back in and going after it full-speed ahead because I don’t want to waste any more time. 

Another related thing I’ve struggled with is if it was “worth it” to pursue these goals. I’m not even sure that I want to do it for money. It’s a lot to put into it if it’s just for my personal fulfillment. We are financially stable and I have a very supportive husband. He has encouraged me to pursue it if even if it is just for myself. My thinking has been much like what was said above. I still have a lot of years left and this is something that is fulfilling to me, so I’m going to just do it. I’ll figure out what exactly that means later. 

Thank you to everyone who shares their experiences-good and bad. It is so helpful to me. I feel less alone and more understood, and I’m grateful to each of you for that. 

 

Edited to add:  The field is genealogy. I feel silly being so vague when that’s all it is. I’m going to be a genealogist.  I have stalker family members, so I’m careful about what I post.  I hope I don’t regret it, but there it is. 

Edited January 31, 2022 by AroundtheCorner

[TexasProud]

43 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Sounds more like optimism to me. Grieving the loss of optimism.

Yeah, that is true. Until I was oh..45 or so, I saw the silver lining in everything. I was extremely bubbly and happy and optimistic. I think I might be an enneagram 7, though I might be a social nine or a self-preservation 3.  But if I am a 7, how do I live without optimism??? 

[Rosie_0801]

7 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, that is true. Until I was oh..45 or so, I saw the silver lining in everything. I was extremely bubbly and happy and optimistic. I think I might be an enneagram 7, though I might be a social nine or a self-preservation 3.  But if I am a 7, how do I live without optimism??? 

I don't have any answer you're going to like. I never do, do I? 🙂

It's one foot in front of the other, really, until your mind adjusts to the new normal. Then, eventually, something happens to let you feel something is achievable again.

I don't know. Life didn't train me to high expectations.

[Jenny in Florida]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, that is true. Until I was oh..45 or so, I saw the silver lining in everything. I was extremely bubbly and happy and optimistic. I think I might be an enneagram 7, though I might be a social nine or a self-preservation 3.  But if I am a 7, how do I live without optimism??? 

When I was in my 20s, my co-workers used to call me "Little Jenny Sunshine" (unironically). 

For the majority of my adult life, I was always the one who -- after the initial bout of tears or anger -- would tackle any obstacle or disappointment by rolling up my sleeves and figuring out how to get around or over it or compensate for it. My life philosophy was "things usually work out," which, to me, didn't mean that "things work out for the best" or "everything happens for a reason," but that, once the dust settled, I could see how everything in my life had led eventually to something positive. I used to say that, with a very few exceptions, I was happy/grateful for all of the crappy things that had happened to me because they had combined to make me who I was and land me where I was.

I used to sooth myself to sleep by fantasizing about the next steps, things I was looking forward to, what I could be working towards. I made little mental movies of the things I hoped life might have in store for me. I passed time by planning things -- curriculum, vacations, hobby projects, job hunts, etc. 

And then, as I posted recently in another thread, it just went away.

I ran out of steam to keep working at making things okay, for myself and for others. 

I woke up one day and realized that there wasn't one single thing I was looking forward to that I had any realistic hope might happen for me (or that I could make happen for myself). All of my goals had either been achieved or fallen by the wayside, and I no longer had the emotional energy to dream about or hope for things I didn't believe were likely or possible. Basically, I had nothing left to look forward to, and I don't know who I am or how to make it feel worth getting out of bed every day without that aspect of my personality.

All of which is to say . . . I think I can relate.

[TexasProud]

35 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

 

All of which is to say . . . I think I can relate.

I am sorry. I which you didn't. But yes, you summarized it quite well.

[Sneezyone]

3 hours ago, AroundtheCorner said:

I love these kinds of threads. I’ve been here for over 20 years. Partly because there were other people here who understood what I was going through, whatever that may be. I’m in a much different place in my life now than I was while homeschooling littles, but it’s still so helpful to hear other’s experiences and feel like someone else gets it.  I’m in a better place now, but still struggling to figure out this post-raising kids part of my life. I can relate to so much that has been written, and my heart hurts for those who are having a difficult time. 

Many years ago there was a field that I was interested in pursuing. I was on track to make progress and reach personal goals related to this field. Then life happened and pretty much everything for me personally was put on the back burner. Now I’m returning, and it’s disheartening to see other’s progress through all of these years, because they were able to continue. We were peers so long ago, but now they’ve excelled and here I am back at square one. It’s frustrating. I wouldn’t/couldn’t have done things differently though, so it is what it is. I’m jumping back in and going after it full-speed ahead because I don’t want to waste any more time. 

Another related thing I’ve struggled with is if it was “worth it” to pursue these goals. I’m not even sure that I want to do it for money. It’s a lot to put into it if it’s just for my personal fulfillment. We are financially stable and I have a very supportive husband. He has encouraged me to pursue it if even if it is just for myself. My thinking has been much like what was said above. I still have a lot of years left and this is something that is fulfilling to me, so I’m going to just do it. I’ll figure out what exactly that means later. 

Thank you to everyone who shares their experiences-good and bad. It is so helpful to me. I feel less alone and more understood, and I’m grateful to each of you for that. 

 

Edited to add:  The field is genealogy. I feel silly being so vague when that’s all it is. I’m going to be a genealogist.  I have stalker family members, so I’m careful about what I post.  I hope I don’t regret it, but there it is. 

I could write the same story but not about genealogy. I’m 45. COVID and extended family issues put my personal plans on hold. My kids and DH are supportive too so I’m not letting things stop me anymore. Stalkers gonna stalk, even w/in your own family.

Edited January 31, 2022 by Sneezyone

[AroundtheCorner]

1 hour ago, Jenny in Florida said:

When I was in my 20s, my co-workers used to call me "Little Jenny Sunshine" (unironically). 

For the majority of my adult life, I was always the one who -- after the initial bout of tears or anger -- would tackle any obstacle or disappointment by rolling up my sleeves and figuring out how to get around or over it or compensate for it. My life philosophy was "things usually work out," which, to me, didn't mean that "things work out for the best" or "everything happens for a reason," but that, once the dust settled, I could see how everything in my life had led eventually to something positive. I used to say that, with a very few exceptions, I was happy/grateful for all of the crappy things that had happened to me because they had combined to make me who I was and land me where I was.

I used to sooth myself to sleep by fantasizing about the next steps, things I was looking forward to, what I could be working towards. I made little mental movies of the things I hoped life might have in store for me. I passed time by planning things -- curriculum, vacations, hobby projects, job hunts, etc. 

And then, as I posted recently in another thread, it just went away.

I ran out of steam to keep working at making things okay, for myself and for others. 

I woke up one day and realized that there wasn't one single thing I was looking forward to that I had any realistic hope might happen for me (or that I could make happen for myself). All of my goals had either been achieved or fallen by the wayside, and I no longer had the emotional energy to dream about or hope for things I didn't believe were likely or possible. Basically, I had nothing left to look forward to, and I don't know who I am or how to make it feel worth getting out of bed every day without that aspect of my personality.

All of which is to say . . . I think I can relate.

I haven’t been to the same depths, but have been in a similar place. For me it was complete and total burnout/depletion. Those years where my own needs and wants had to go to the back burner left me empty. There were some very traumatic and difficult situations and events during that time. I came out the other side just barely surviving. The constant doing for everyone else with not only no appreciation, but open hostility just about did me in. Throw in some trauma, and I wasn’t in a good place. 
 

I had a difficult time getting to the place that I felt like I could do more than survive. I feel like I’m still recovering from that burnout, but the fact that I actually feel like I *can* put energy into something is huge for me. I couldn’t even handle a routine of doing laundry. Everything just felt like too much. If I woke up and functioned through the day in any way, then it was a good day. Anything beyond that was gravy. 
 

I used to do the same thing of playing out in my mind how the future could be. When I was at my lowest everything felt pointless and hopeless. Hopeless was the main thing that I felt. I wasn’t suicidal, but I felt like like the future held nothing. My situation was what it was and wouldn’t improve. I also didn’t have any energy to do anything anyway. 
 

I have no answers. I just wanted you to know that I relate. I think when you’re depleted and not able to do things that are fulfilling to you, then it’s hard to find hope and happiness. The catch 22 there is finding things that are fulfilling. I know that’s not something that you can just make happen. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I always get so much out of your threads, and appreciate you taking the time to talk through your thoughts and feelings. I wish you the best. 

[BlsdMama]

7 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Can I get a Vespa? I think I can pull it off. 🤣

Heck yeah - I’m going side car with whomever will have me. 😉 

[Frances]

20 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

Heck yeah - I’m going side car with whomever will have me. 😉 

Your comment reminded of this article and the featured woman.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/02/travel/kihnu-estonia-women-unesco-folk-culture-tourism.html

[KungFuPanda]

2 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

Heck yeah - I’m going side car with whomever will have me. 😉 

We ride at dawn!

[TCB]

2 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

We ride at dawn!

This reminded me of the meme someone posted in the break room at the start of the pandemic

 

 

ETA sorry for the bad word

Edited February 1, 2022 by TCB

[rebcoola]

Yes absolutely.  I mean when I was young I though I would be an international soccer player.  That didn't work out and I never really figured out what I would do instead. I met dh and had babies became a stay at home mom by default and still and thinking about what I will do when I grow up. The accidental caboose baby has put it off a little but I am a fairly young smart woman and I should do something