Struggling with being left out

[PrincessMommy]

A friend of our family's daughter is getting married next week and I'm struggling with not being invited. At Thanksgiving my girls were talking about the wedding & invitation.  Both of my daughters are bridesmaids and I realized I wasn't invited.  It truly surprised me.  So I figured maybe I was on the B list (we had one of those too).  But the wedding is now 2 weeks away so I guess I'm not even B material.  Sigh.  

Normally, I would brush this off.  Sometimes it hurts a bit, but I brush it off and realize that weddings are expensive and I'm not usually as close to most of those people anyway.    

But this one bothers me.  I really thought I would have gotten an invitation.  Because I *thought* we were close. 

Backstory:  We became friends when the moved to the area and started attending our parish.  They have 2 daughter that were roughly the same ages as 2 of my daughters.  They've been to my house numerous times for dinner, for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Pascha.   We've carpooled the kids to camp together.  Mom is in a wheelchair and completely dependent on dh.  She and I have done stuff together.. gone to the movies, out for coffee or dinner together.  I've taken her on "Pokemon" rides because she loves Pokemon and I have a weird enjoyment of cemeteries (and visit my relatives there).   When her dh was sick with double pneumonia and thrombosis in the leg and nearly died, 3 of us from the church took turns caring for our friend  (getting her out of bed, toilet, clothed, food, meds, etc.) so that her adult daughters didn't have to drop everything and come back home.   We had renewed respect for him and all he does... it was a very hard job.

I didn't do any of that stuff because I wanted something back.  So that does leave me feeling guilty that I feel hurt.

I think I would have understood more if it were a small, simple wedding, but my understanding is that it's a big thing and costing them (bride and groom) quite a bit of money.  I keep hearing all this stuff from my daughters so it kind of cuts to the heart every time.  I'm dreading the FB photos... I just don't want to see my other friends there but somehow we didn't count.  

I'm trying to get over myself and not let this cloud my relationship with my friend.  

This isn't exactly a JAWM, but please be gentle.  I'm sure I do need some perspective.

 

Edited January 1, 2019 by PrincessMommy

[moonflower]

are you as close to the daughter as to the mom?  Is it possible the guest list was made by daughter instead, who doesn't feel as close to you just for generational reasons?  Or could she have thought her mother was going to include you somehow but the mother thought the daughter would take care of it and so you've sort of been unintentionally overlooked and they'll be surprised when you're not there?

[gardenmom5]

are you sure there wasn't a miscommunication somewhere?

[Ausmumof3]

I’m a bit surprised.  I wonder if an invite got lost somehow?

[PrincessMommy]

23 minutes ago, moonflower said:

are you as close to the daughter as to the mom?  Is it possible the guest list was made by daughter instead, who doesn't feel as close to you just for generational reasons?  Or could she have thought her mother was going to include you somehow but the mother thought the daughter would take care of it and so you've sort of been unintentionally overlooked and they'll be surprised when you're not there?

well, no, we're not as close I am with the parents.. because she is the daughter.  But, OTOH, she and her fiance have been to my home along with her parents on those occasions I mentioned.  I've always felt a bit close to her - like a niece to me... but not like we're friends.. If that makes sense.

edited to add:  My understanding is that the parents didn't have a lot of say... which is what I keep telling myself too.

Edited January 1, 2019 by PrincessMommy

[PrincessMommy]

as for it being a miscommunication.  It is certainly possible.  I have mentioned to both my daughters my feelings at being left out.   I'm sure they've not said anything to the bride though.  Although, I would definitely expect the bride to say something like, "Could you find out why your mom hasn't RSVPd yet??"  We do have that kind of relationship and she would not be shy about bringing it up. 

[Selkie]

Hugs. That does sound odd and I understand why you're feeling hurt. So the bride and groom are paying for the wedding? If so, maybe the guest list is mostly made up of their friends and they didn't invite many or any people from their parents' generation.

[Selkie]

Could one of your daughters find a way to subtly bring it up to the bride? Because if it is a mistake that you didn't receive an invitation, I would hate for you to miss the wedding.

[AbcdeDooDah]

My oldest recently got married and I left the guest list up to her and her husband. When I got married my mom and dh's mom had long lists of people we had to invite that we didn't even know. I told dd I was not going to do that to her. Maybe it's a similar situation?

I'm sorry you're feeling left out. That stings.

 

[PrincessMommy]

23 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

I don't understand it at all.  With VERY few exceptions, everyone in the parish is invited to ANY sacrament.  I have heard of TWO situations where this was not the case:  in one case, It was a small building, and two priests' children married so lots of clergy came from other parishes with their families.  The other case was a high-profile funeral (murder victim) so the police were there to guard and it was invitation-only to prevent gawking.

I *have* seen it where the *reception* was too expensive to host everyone, but usually in this case, there was at least a mini-reception in the parish hall--cookies, punch, cut the cake sort of thing, and then the invitation-only reception for the off-site sit-down dinner and dancing was delayed by an hour or so to allow for transportation and so on.  Nobody minded that...we can't all be everyone's best friends and everyone knows these things cost a ton of money.

So I don't get the first part at all.  And I think it is OK that you have a little pout.  It's a surprise, especially with two daughters involved and the people having been in your home.  (((PrincessMommy)))

The wedding is not local.  It's 2hrs away.  I would def. go to the ceremony if it were local.  That is true that anyone can attend an Orthodox wedding ceremony.  

22 minutes ago, seemesew said:

Are you close enough to ask the mom? Or maybe Something like "I'm so excited for your daughter and to see the invitations but I haven't gotten mine yet" or just ask her "I haven't gotten mine yet do you think it lost in the mail?" I think it would be fine to say either in this situation.

 

20 minutes ago, seemesew said:

Also could they just assume you're coming and don't need an invite since your daughters are bridesmaids?

I am close enough to maybe say something... but it's 2 weeks away. I think it's too late.    I don't think they would assume I'm coming.   I haven't seen mom in a while (she doesn't come to church much).  She tends to be reclusive and I'm one of the few people who keeps in contact with her.  The last time we tried to get together for coffee I had to cancel for being sick.  I don't think i'll be able to see her until after the wedding. 

[PrincessMommy]

8 minutes ago, Selkie said:

Could one of your daughters find a way to subtly bring it up to the bride? Because if it is a mistake that you didn't receive an invitation, I would hate for you to miss the wedding.

I agree... but I don't think they will.  One of my daughter's is not sympathetic at all... sorry, it's the truth.  The other wouldn't be comfortable possibly putting the bride on the spot.  

[lmrich]

That does seem odd. I would have one of your daughters bring it up. I can't imagine how bad they will feel when they find out you did not receive your invitation. 

Perspective - our neighbor's daughter was getting married. We were once very close (holidays, vacations, etc..) but life has gotten in the way. We live two doors from them. They did not put our proper address on the invitation. They had never mailed anything to us and just figured we were two numbers from them... thank goodness the mail came back to them, but we got the invitation two weeks before the wedding. (and then I was too sick with the flu to go)

[Carol in Cal.]

I'm sorry.  I think that is odd, and hard, too.

 

[QueenCat]

HUgs, I'd be very hurt in this situation. And that's why I do think parents should have some input, to make sure the bride/groom didn't miss someone so important. 

[Alicia64]

Once this happened to me: my parents were invited to a family friend's wedding. But I never received my own invitation (I was about 25).

Turns out my mother was supposed to include me -- the wedding parents just assumed my parents would bring me too. But my mom was seriously into excluding me. (Long story and I don't see her anymore.)

My point: the parents putting on the wedding might be assuming that your daughters issued the invite.

Just a thought.

If not, just assume that weddings make people funny. There's so much money involved that it clouds good judgement.

Hang in there,

Alley

[homemommy83]

I just want to give you a hug🤗.

[Acorn]

I did not invite most of my friends’ parents to my wedding. I appreciate everything they had done to include me with various events throughout my life. We were already over the size of the church and reception hall with family. It was hard but space and money had limits. I know one bridesmaid made a comment that I had invited another bridesmaid’s parents and not hers. Another’s parents surprised us for just the ceremony but I do know that is acceptable in her own religion. 

[Garga]

I’d bet the bride and groom made the guest lists and invited their own peers and did not choose to invite their parent’s friends, even if they had also tagged along places with the parent’s friends.

I cringe at this because it’s exactly what I did at my own wedding.  I’m sure I hurt a lot of people.  At the time, though, it seemed perfectly logical to me to invite only my own personal friends.  I’m very embarrassed by it now.

I could be wrong and I could be looking at this through the lens of my own youth, but it’s a very real possiblility that the bride and groom are too immature to understand that you’d want to be there.  I know that when I was young, I would never have understood older people even wanting to come to my wedding.  They weren’t *my* friends, so why would they possibly want to come?  I wouldn’t invite my parent’s friends to come hang out with me on a Friday night at Chi-chi’s and play Uno like I did with my friends, so why in the world would they want to come hang out at my wedding with me?  That was my logic. I was clueless.

Is your one daughter unsympathetic to you about this because she also cannot understand why you’d want to go to the wedding?  Is she like how I was?  “Why would older people even *want* to hang out with younger people?  It’s not like we’re friends!”  Could it be that the bride is like your daughter and just doesn’t get it?

Edited January 2, 2019 by Garga

[NorthwestMom]

I also understand why you are hurt, but I don't think there's anything to be done. I'd send a nice gift and do my best to let it go. 

Hugs to you!!

 

[Rachel]

I’ve had a couple situations recently where I was aquatintances with the daughter/son and good friends with the parents but not invited to the wedding. I had previously been involved in the lives of the children, but haven’t been in recent years. In both cases the mom apologized sincerely. With the daughter it was a very small wedding. The parents were willing to pay for as big of a wedding as the daughter wanted, but she wanted it small. With the son, he didn’t get to invite a ton of people as the bride’s family was paying. He even had to turn down some extended family. The mom (my friend) was embarrassed but I appreciated her being open and honest with me. 

I get why your feelings are hurt! It seems odd that your daughters are in the wedding and that you are family friends. Whether it was an intentional or unintentional reason for you not to be invited, I think you would feel better if you talk to your friend. I really hope for your sake it is an unintentional mistake. 

[HS Mom in NC]

It might just be a cultural thing.  Not everyone is from a subculture where they're expected to invite all the parents' friends.  I'm sorry you didn't get invited to a wedding you wanted to attend.

[May]

When our daughter got married, she and her hubby made out the guest list. I did suggest a few names but if she said “no,” I didn’t mention it again. DH and I did give a monetary gift toward wedding cost. I feel couples should invite people who are important to them, not the parents. I’m sorry you are hurting😔

[KungFuPanda]

If the mother isn’t well enough to play an active role in planning then there’s probably nobody giving the bride wise advice. Kids just don’t think about things that are obvious to us. 

[goldberry]

I would ask.  We are planning DD's wedding right now and the guest list is very tight, because fiance has a big family. We are giving priority to friends of the bride and groom, then family.  Friends of parents are at the bottom of the list, even if they know the couple. I feel bad, but we don't have funds for a crazy big wedding reception.

I would ask, because it's possible you are being missed, and if not, I would not be offended if someone asked me.  It would give me a chance to apologize and say I'm so sorry but we just had to make some brutal choices with the guest list because of our budget, I hope you understand.

Edited January 2, 2019 by goldberry

[HS Mom in NC]

18 minutes ago, goldberry said:

I would ask.  We are planning DD's wedding right now and the guest list is very tight, because fiance has a big family. We are giving priority to friends of the bride and groom, then family.  Friends of parents are at the bottom of the list, even if they know the couple. I feel bad, but we don't have funds for a crazy big wedding reception.

I would ask, because it's possible you are being missed, and if not, I would not be offended if someone asked me.  It would give me a chance to apologize and say I'm so sorry but we just had to make some brutal choices with the guest list because of our budget, I hope you understand.

Yep, that's a very common reason people having big weddings don't invite every friend of the parents.  It happens for small weddings too, but when there are multiple branches of the family on one or both sides, or many siblings that are each their own branch, and all those remarriage situations that cause extra branching, even long guest lists can fill up very quickly. Some weddings include remarriage situations for multiple generations in attendance.

And that's just for subcultures that view weddings as social reciprocation/community centered events.  For those who see it as the bride and groom's day where they only invite those they're emotionally close to to share in their special day, what makes a person eligible to be a guest is more exclusive in the neutral sense of word. This seems to me to be the norm these days. 

[Farrar]

I think it's not knowing they probably should have invited you if possible. In retrospect, I should have invited the parents of the person who stood with me for my wedding. I don't know what the heck I was thinking that I didn't. And I realized later their mom definitely wanted to be invited. In general, I think several parents of friends would have liked to have attended. But I just didn't get it. And I was so, so stressed. And so young. And dh fell off the wagon as they say right before the wedding. And while hopefully that particular drama isn't happening... there's always drama backstage. Even innocuous drama feel so BIG when you're getting married. I mean, it was a lot for being as young as I was.

Anyway, all of this is just to say, hugs, but try not to take it too personally.

Edited January 2, 2019 by Farrar

[PrincessMommy]

thanks everyone for your help in talking me through this... I appreciate the understanding as well as the different perspectives.

I do suspect it is cluelessness on the Bride's part.  And it is like Kung-fu asked, her mom isn't really in a position to be giving advice.  In addition, mom and her husband secretly eloped, so she's never even planned a wedding.  

I probably won't say anything, honestly.  The bride and her mom both have lots of issues with anxiety and I wouldn't want to add to that. 

[fairfarmhand]

Op, I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt. 

I wonder if such things are a result of our age segregated society? It annoys me when young people can’t see the contributions that older people have given to their Iives. 

[Bluegoat]

I think these decisions are difficult for couples.  Often, they have to draw a line that is kind of consistent, in order to avoid giving serious offence.  Like - we invite first cousins, but not the parent's first cousins.  I can easily see that drawing a line of parent's friends, or friend's parents, might be pretty logical.  The thing is, you can often go on inviting more and more people if there isn't some, often a little arbitrary, decision.

I remember having a hard time with extended family, and certain work invites.  I was close to some great uncles/aunts and second cousins, but others I barely knew.  And dh worked at the same place as me and invited his peers, which made me feel pressured to invite mine - it was really difficult not to include people I wanted without including people who either I barely knew, or a few who I actually did not want there.  And all with trying to keep the guest list to a reasonable number.

[teachermom2834]

Just another one who thoughtlessly neglected the parents of a bridesmaid. I knew them but they didn’t know my parents...we weren’t close but I did know them for several years and they would have definitely wanted to come and see their daughter stand up with me. 

Why didn’t I invite them??? I don’t know. The guest list was already too long. Two more wouldn’t have made a difference. Less important people got invited. I made a mistake. I think I realized it before the wedding but thought it was too late. But it wouldn’t have been. I was 21. That is really all I’ve got.

I’m sorry.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Garga said:

I’d bet the bride and groom made the guest lists and invited their own peers and did not choose to invite their parent’s friends, even if they had also tagged along places with the parent’s friends.

I cringe at this because it’s exactly what I did at my own wedding.  I’m sure I hurt a lot of people.  At the time, though, it seemed perfectly logical to me to invite only my own personal friends.  I’m very embarrassed by it now.

I could be wrong and I could be looking at this through the lens of my own youth, but it’s a very real possiblility that the bride and groom are too immature to understand that you’d want to be there.  I know that when I was young, I would never have understood older people even wanting to come to my wedding.  They weren’t *my* friends, so why would they possibly want to come?  I wouldn’t invite my parent’s friends to come hang out with me on a Friday night at Chi-chi’s and play Uno like I did with my friends, so why in the world would they want to come hang out at my wedding with me?  That was my logic. I was clueless.

Is your one daughter unsympathetic to you about this because she also cannot understand why you’d want to go to the wedding?  Is she like how I was?  “Why would older people even *want* to hang out with younger people?  It’s not like we’re friends!”  Could it be that the bride is like your daughter and just doesn’t get it?

Same here. I planned and almost entirely paid for my own wedding, my parents were barely involved at all and did not pay for a single thing. In my very inexperienced pea brain, I didn’t think the guest list had much to do with my parents at all. I don’t even think I invited my Aunt, Uncle and first cousin who actually lived in our house at one point; my cousin was practically a sibling for several years. 

When I think back on it, it is so embarassing! There were some guests whom I knew from work that I now realize were utterly expendable and should NOT have been invited. My cousin-sibling obviously should have been! But my mother - presumably feeling she could not meddle, since she was not paying or planning one iota - did not advise, recommend, point out or in any way mention I was choosing my guest list with at least some short-sightedness and immaturity. 

I hope, PrincessMommy, that the scenario is similar in your case, or a miscommunication happened along the way. I would feel hurt, too. 

[Bootsie]

4 hours ago, PrincessMommy said:

The wedding is not local.  It's 2hrs away.  I would def. go to the ceremony if it were local.  That is true that anyone can attend an Orthodox wedding ceremony.  

I remember my parents being in a similar situation once.  After the wedding occurred a member of the bride's family mentioned to me that the family had struggled over whether or not to invite my parents.  They were concerned that it would look like a request for a gift or that my parents would feel obliged to go a couple of hours out of their way to attend if they were invited.  It was not that they wanted to leave my parents out, it was that they did not want to appear presumptuous and self-centered.  In the same situation, I think I would invite someone and let them decide whether or not they wanted to attend, but some people may err the other way.  

[happi duck]

(hugs)  

I'd ask the mom out for coffee.  She might need an ear at such a busy time.  Maybe it can come up then and you'll know for sure.

I'm an anxious person and I'd rather have someone say "I know this is awkward and I'm not hinting I'm just checking.  Was I invited to the wedding?" than later realize someone was forgotten.

[Scarlett]

50 minutes ago, happi duck said:

(hugs)  

I'd ask the mom out for coffee.  She might need an ear at such a busy time.  Maybe it can come up then and you'll know for sure.

I'm an anxious person and I'd rather have someone say "I know this is awkward and I'm not hinting I'm just checking.  Was I invited to the wedding?" than later realize someone was forgotten.

Yes I would do this.

And if I didn’t get an invitation I would buy a nicer gift than I normally would have and let myself be somehow secretly satisfied. 

[BlsdMama]

6 hours ago, Patty Joanna said:

I don't understand it at all.  With VERY few exceptions, everyone in the parish is invited to ANY sacrament.  

 

When I hear parish, I think Catholic. The situation you mentioned as two priests’ children, so not Catholic. But, Princess Mommy, in our parish inviting everyone was not the norm. 

I think one of two things -

either it was a mistake OR I suspect what is more likely -

 

our oldest daughter hot married, I didn’t think about who to invite.  We did the obvious family members and bride/groom friends. 

 

But honestly? It didn’t occur to me until the week before the wedding that I could have invited our friends. 🤦‍♀️ She was young, we are pretty young for planning everything, we were doing everything purselves, yada, yada. 

Honestly? Later I wondered if we had hurt peoples’ feelings. It wasn’t a personal thing. We were just very couple focused and had a lot going on outside of the wedding too. 

Id suggest that invite or no, This doesn’t say anything about your friendship. I suspect it says more about the planning (who did it, lack of thought, etc) than anything else. 

 

Eta- please excuse all the typos. My phone is being unforgiving. 

Edited January 2, 2019 by BlsdMama

[moonflower]

PrincessMommy I think is Orthodox, and afaik inviting everyone is the norm in Orthodox parishes.  But these friends are from a different parish, I think?

[Catwoman]

19 minutes ago, moonflower said:

PrincessMommy I think is Orthodox, and afaik inviting everyone is the norm in Orthodox parishes.  But these friends are from a different parish, I think?

 

I’m clueless about this, but wouldn’t the size of the parish make a difference as to whether or not everyone would be invited? Are all parishes small enough to make that a practical option? (I grew up Catholic and if people invited all of the parishioners to their weddings, they could end up with thousands of guests!)

[milovany]

PrincessMommy, I'm sorry.  While my hope is that there was some miscommunication and they really do want you there, my guess is that it was along the lines of the kids getting married inviting who they wanted and not understanding that their parents would want to invite some folks, too.  When our son and daughter in law got married a couple of years ago, they had tons more people they wanted to invite (just their own friends) than they could realistically fit in the church and had to slash their list a lot.  They didn't want our friends cutting out their friends, although they did give us a few spots for our extra special close friends. It was quite difficult -- these are the friends with whom I'd walked through their childhoods with while we all had kids together at the same time.  They were part of my kids' lives in that way.  But our church was small and we didn't have a ton of money for the reception, so everyone had to cut, cut, cut. 

To address the Orthodox perspective that has been mentioned a couple of times -- I admit we had to fight against that "everyone is invited" approach a little bit when my son got married.  We attend a small off-shoot parish of a parish three times the size about 45 minutes away.  They definitely have that approach where anyone can attend a sacramental wedding who wants to attend, but their building can accommodate that.  Ours can't.  When our son was getting married, this was a huge concern because if attendance was opened up widely to both our parish and that parish, our kids' closest friends and our extended families could have had a hard time fitting in the building (these would be people who attended other parishes -- or no parish -- altogether). So we DID put the word out that it was an "invitation only" wedding. All those in our own parish were invited, but not everyone at the parish nearby.  And it was packed to the gills on a hot June afternoon, in a building with no air conditioning. 

Edited January 2, 2019 by milovany

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

It sounds like an oversight.  It sounds like the mother-of-the-bride is not in a fit condition to be double-checking that "i"s are dotted and "t"s crossed, which is a common job for the MOTB.  So bride, bride's sister, dad, and groom have winged it as best they can.

Of course your feelings are hurt!  It seems crazy that your girls are IN THE WEDDING and you didn't get an invite!  But I hope it was an oversight and you can overlook the blunder for the sake of your friendship with the family.  

[PrincessMommy]

8 hours ago, moonflower said:

PrincessMommy I think is Orthodox, and afaik inviting everyone is the norm in Orthodox parishes.  But these friends are from a different parish, I think?

yes, this is an Orthodox wedding.  In sacramental churches anyone can attend a sacrament because it isn't a private event.  So weddings, baptisms, funerals are for all the faithful.  But, the reception is on a parish by parish basis.  Some are very small and they tend to have a "everyone is invited to the reception" attitude.  My parish is large and generally follows the Western tradition that you need an actual invitation to attend the reception. i.e "invited to the wedding".   But, additionally, the bride decided to get married in a different city (I'm not sure exactly why since our priest is performing the wedding - this is one clue that this is not well thought out). 

In my experience with 2 kids married at two different parishes, that every parish has their own culture about this.  My parish is probably what most people here would see as the norm in that you need an invitation in order to attend the reception. FWIW, I'm not a fan of the "everyone in the parish is invited" rule.  I think that puts a lot of stress on families.   I'm in our parish choir so I've attended a lot of wedding ceremonies without being invited to the wedding.  I'm fine with that.  Some brides think this through and they provide a small luncheon or appetizers down in the fellowship hall for choir members to enjoy as a thank you for singing in the wedding.  

My friends still loosely attend our parish.  Less and less in the last 12 months. I would see mom outside of church services and talk via text with her fairly regularly.  

Edited January 2, 2019 by PrincessMommy

[MaBelle]

That's hard, I know.  We've had a wedding every year for the past four years.  I'm so glad it's over.  At my dd's wedding she did not want to invite a friend of mine at all.  We were close enough that friend assumed their invitation was lost because they had just moved.  I was pretty stressed over it.  Dd's future mil didn't understand either, she is also friends with this person.  So that was fun.  Not.

Then one of my dils wanted a very small wedding so a lot of people were left out.

You can never tell what is going on with people.  Try to let it slide. 

[goldberry]

Further note.... I just got the list from DD's fiance, and he did not have the family of the best man on it.  This kid and his parents have been best friends with this whole family since the kids were small!  The family hosted a joint graduation party for the two boys!  I went back to him and said gently, you should invite the family, don't you think?  "Yeah, you're probably right..."  

This family would have been devastated not to be invited, they watched this guy grow up at their house for heaven's sake!  So yes, young people can be a bit clueless....

[hippiemamato3]

16 hours ago, Farrar said:

I think it's not knowing they probably should have invited you if possible. In retrospect, I should have invited the parents of the person who stood with me for my wedding. I don't know what the heck I was thinking that I didn't. And I realized later their mom definitely wanted to be invited. In general, I think several parents of friends would have liked to have attended. But I just didn't get it. And I was so, so stressed. And so young. And dh fell off the wagon as they say right before the wedding. And while hopefully that particular drama isn't happening... there's always drama backstage. Even innocuous drama feel so BIG when you're getting married. I mean, it was a lot for being as young as I was.

Anyway, all of this is just to say, hugs, but try not to take it too personally.

Does that mean he cheated or is an alcoholic? Either way, i'm so sorry your wedding was taken up with worries about either of those things. 😞

[ktgrok]

18 hours ago, Alicia64 said:

Once this happened to me: my parents were invited to a family friend's wedding. But I never received my own invitation (I was about 25).

Turns out my mother was supposed to include me -- the wedding parents just assumed my parents would bring me too. But my mom was seriously into excluding me. (Long story and I don't see her anymore.)

My point: the parents putting on the wedding might be assuming that your daughters issued the invite.

Just a thought.

If not, just assume that weddings make people funny. There's so much money involved that it clouds good judgement.

Hang in there,

Alley

Did your daughters get official invitations, or just word of mouth since they are actually in the wedding? Is it possible that they didn't get an official invitation and just as it was assumed they will be there since they are in the wedding it was assumed you'd come too? If they got actual invitations than that idea is toast, lol

17 hours ago, Garga said:

I’d bet the bride and groom made the guest lists and invited their own peers and did not choose to invite their parent’s friends, even if they had also tagged along places with the parent’s friends.

I cringe at this because it’s exactly what I did at my own wedding.  I’m sure I hurt a lot of people.  At the time, though, it seemed perfectly logical to me to invite only my own personal friends.  I’m very embarrassed by it now.

I could be wrong and I could be looking at this through the lens of my own youth, but it’s a very real possiblility that the bride and groom are too immature to understand that you’d want to be there.  I know that when I was young, I would never have understood older people even wanting to come to my wedding.  They weren’t *my* friends, so why would they possibly want to come?  I wouldn’t invite my parent’s friends to come hang out with me on a Friday night at Chi-chi’s and play Uno like I did with my friends, so why in the world would they want to come hang out at my wedding with me?  That was my logic. I was clueless.

Is your one daughter unsympathetic to you about this because she also cannot understand why you’d want to go to the wedding?  Is she like how I was?  “Why would older people even *want* to hang out with younger people?  It’s not like we’re friends!”  Could it be that the bride is like your daughter and just doesn’t get it?

Same. I don't think I invited the parents of my maid of honor, and I knew them well. It didn't occur to me, honestly. 

16 hours ago, Farrar said:

I think it's not knowing they probably should have invited you if possible. In retrospect, I should have invited the parents of the person who stood with me for my wedding. I don't know what the heck I was thinking that I didn't. And I realized later their mom definitely wanted to be invited. In general, I think several parents of friends would have liked to have attended. But I just didn't get it. And I was so, so stressed. And so young. And dh fell off the wagon as they say right before the wedding. And while hopefully that particular drama isn't happening... there's always drama backstage. Even innocuous drama feel so BIG when you're getting married. I mean, it was a lot for being as young as I was.

Anyway, all of this is just to say, hugs, but try not to take it too personally.

Yup. 

14 hours ago, Bootsie said:

I remember my parents being in a similar situation once.  After the wedding occurred a member of the bride's family mentioned to me that the family had struggled over whether or not to invite my parents.  They were concerned that it would look like a request for a gift or that my parents would feel obliged to go a couple of hours out of their way to attend if they were invited.  It was not that they wanted to leave my parents out, it was that they did not want to appear presumptuous and self-centered.  In the same situation, I think I would invite someone and let them decide whether or not they wanted to attend, but some people may err the other way.  

I had this with a LOT of people...people who were a few hours away and I didn't want to impose on them, but didn't want them to feel forgotten. It was tricky which way to go. 

[HollyDay]

This has happened to me twice.  Both times I was left out and both times my feelings were hurt. 

[mathnerd]

Mention that you have not been invited and that it is surprising to you that you were left out to your daughters. They might be able to talk to the bride and figure out if she only wanted her friends at the wedding.

[Ausmumof3]

18 hours ago, PrincessMommy said:

thanks everyone for your help in talking me through this... I appreciate the understanding as well as the different perspectives.

I do suspect it is cluelessness on the Bride's part.  And it is like Kung-fu asked, her mom isn't really in a position to be giving advice.  In addition, mom and her husband secretly eloped, so she's never even planned a wedding.  

I probably won't say anything, honestly.  The bride and her mom both have lots of issues with anxiety and I wouldn't want to add to that. 

There’s one other possibility then.  I do know one friend who had a very very small wedding ceremony due to anxiety.  

[marbel]

I too am sorry you are feeling hurt.

But, just for another perspective, I was a bridesmaid several times in my early 20s, for high school friends.  My parents were friendly with those families, but they were never invited. They didn't expect to be.  I have been pretty involved with my daughter's closest friend but wouldn't expect to be invited to her (as yet hypothetical) wedding. I agree with those who are thinking it might be a cultural thing. In my wedding culture, friends' parents have not been a factor. 

(I was in my late 30s when I got married; all our friends were people we met as adults so inviting parents wasn't an issue.)

Edited January 2, 2019 by marbel

[Farrar]

2 hours ago, hippiemamato3 said:

Does that mean he cheated or is an alcoholic? Either way, i'm so sorry your wedding was taken up with worries about either of those things. 😞

That he’s an alcoholic. But he has more than 20 years sober now. There was so much crazy before my wedding... really, it’s all good now though!

[PrincessMommy]

3 hours ago, Medicmom2.0 said:

My orthodox relatives didn’t send wedding invites to everyone in their parish as it was just assumed those people knew they were invited per tradition.  Is that a possibility?  Those relatives are strange anyway, so I never know what’s Orthodoxy and what’s them just being out of step with current culture.

I think I’ve shared this before, but the “everyone in the church is invited” is one of the top two reasons DH and I didn’t get married in his then-church.  His church culture was that everyone in the church was invited(especially as DH was a deacon prior to marriage) and then had a simple, pot luck reception in the gym.  My culture is invite only church wedding with a reception at a nicely decorated hotel or restaurant, complete with a catered, plated meal, alcohol and a DJ with dancing till the wee hours.  When my (future) in laws handed me a guest list with 280 people on it I was horrified.  They were very kind about it. but we eventually decided on a private wedding at my parents’ home with just family and a rent a minister my parents knew.  I do sort of regret this now and wish I’d been more flexible, but I truly had no understanding of this subculture and didn’t know how important the wedding ceremony was to his church.  I viewed it as nothing more than a legality and a party.  This created a rift between DH and his beloved church that will never heal, and ten years later I don’t believe he will ever attend a church again.

SIL recently married and they simply announced the wedding time and date in the church bulletin.  Reception was invite only. People in the church didn’t necessarily receive invites, but the assumption was the whole church was invited.

That is not the culture of my specific parish and I'm sure it's not of this couple either.   I'm not sure many people outside of their circle of friends even know when the wedding is.   In the 12 or so years I've gone to this parish I know of only one wedding where everyone in the parish was actually invited... and then we all got a proper invitation in the mail.

I would have been completely stressed in your situation too!!  I don't blame you for putting the breaks on that.  As I stated in another post on this thread, I am not in favor of inviting everyone in the church to a wedding.  That seems very excessive, given the cost and expectations of weddings these days.   I'm sorry it has caused such a rift with your dh that he no longer even attends church.  

Edited January 3, 2019 by PrincessMommy