5 yr old girl hair, claims hair hurts, looks unkempt

[Janeway]

Frustrated over this. A few months ago, daughter, with the help of her brother, completely chopped her hair. It was really bad. Short all the way around, some areas very very short. Strands of long hair sticking out here and there.

 

I took her to a stupid hair place to get it all evened out and then they cut the entire thing as short as the shortest hair, even though I asked them not to, they did. Now it has been over seven months. Her hair is starting to get a little length. It is not shoulder length yet, but there is just enough to stick behind her ears or pull back with a barrette. 

 

Even time I try to do her hair, she claims her hair hurts. I use the spray and everything. I know it does not hurt. There are no knots and she will claim it hurts before I touch her hair. Her hair has looked so bad for so long that she has been made fun of for it when out trying to play at the gym or playground. It is heart breaking. 

 

Today, she has a group kindergarten thing where she gets to see her classroom and spend time with her future fellow kindergarteners. I want her to look nice. Instead, she says she will just put her hair behind her ears. I pulled up, online, some cute little girl short hair hair styles. I called reinforcements (friends who could tell her they would love to see her hair after she has it done). She told them fine on the phone. But once off, she refused. I managed to get a little bit of the one hair style done and she got upset, but more like angry, not tearful, and pulled it out. 

 

She is desperate for friends. But going in looking like a hobo is not how little girls get friends. I want her to look decent. Even when I let her just use a barrette, she quickly pulls it out and she is back to her hair flying in her face. Here is the hair style I was trying to do, but it does not have to be this one. Any ideas as to what I could do to make her look presentable? Her hair will not stay out of her face when not pulled back and it quickly becomes very messy looking all over. 

 

 

[Catwoman]

How about bangs? Then she wouldn't need a barrette.

 

Also, are you using a detangling spray on her hair before you comb it?

[Bambam]

I'd leave it alone. I don't think 5 year old girls notice hair.

 

I don't think friendships should be based on appearance. 

 

My head is very sensitive. Someone else combing my hair or doing anything to it is unpleasant. I can last through hair cuts simply because I must, but I don't enjoy them. 

 

[fairfarmhand]

My dd2 had a very sensitive scalp. I had her hair dora the explorer style, chin length bob for years till she could take care of it on her own. One simple barrette made it look cute.

[Paige]

I would brush it regularly, and tell her to suck it up or brush it herself if she cries, or cut it until we can deal with it. It shouldn't tangle too much at the length in the picture, but you can always go shorter. My DD is similar about disliking to care for it, but her hair is curly and tangles very quickly. It's ponytails, short hair, or give up on caring at my house. Mostly we go for ponytails, sometimes I don't care, and when it gets too bad, we cut it. I tell DD she can have it longer if she doesn't cry about brushing but she's almost 10 and hasn't quite reached that point. If I let it grow and she doesn't keep it brushed we will get knots that I cannot get out without cutting, so I don't care if it's mean, we have to keep it around shoulder length or shorter. 

 

I would not stress too much about other kids at 5, however. They likely don't care what she looks like and it's just you projecting your own thoughts. And if they do care, who needs them? For me, it's all about hygiene and cleanliness. You don't really want her stressing about what she looks like at 5. At chin length, it can't be that bad. 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

Some kids are very sensitive to hair brushing. I have one with very long hair, unphased by brushing. One keeps short hair because ANY snag or tangle is very painful.

 

 

 

I can't comment on the "hobo" issue. Even if I brush my hair often it still tangles and messes up fast. I still make friends.

Edited April 27, 2017 by PinkyandtheBrains.

[itsheresomewhere]

Leave it alone.  At her age, they shouldn't be making friends based on looks.  If they are, who wants them as friends.  

 

My DD had issues with brushing her hair at your DD's age.  My DD swore it hurt her head when brushed.  I bought a wet brush and that did help a her a bit.

[JustEm]

My dd's scalp is sensitive so when I brushed it she would complain it hurt. She started complaining before I started brushing because she was anticipating the pain. She was not lying about the pain. So I taught her to brush her own hair. She can brush it gently enough not to hurt herself.

 

I can't imagine 5 year old girls care what each other's hair looks like. That hasn't been my experience with my 6 year olds unkempt hair. She has plenty of friends.

[Catwoman]

I wanted to add that while the style you posted is adorable, it would be torture for a girl with a sensitive scalp.

 

I think you need to lower you expectations a bit and go for something like a cute simple bob with bangs. And again, always use the detangling spray.

[Guest]

I have a 5yo. I promise she does not notice the hair of her friends. She will notice a pretty necklace or sparkly shoes but not hair.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I have a 5yo. I promise she does not notice the hair of her friends. She will notice a pretty necklace or sparkly shoes but not hair.

I want sparkly shoes!

[dirty ethel rackham]

Some people just have really sensitive scalps.  What seems trivial to us can be very painful to someone else.  I agree that most kindergarteners don't care what someone else's hair looks like.  If they would choose not to be friends because of some slightly unkempt hair, then they would not likely be the kind of friends I would want for my kids.  A couple of tips to help manage hair for these sensitive types. 

 

1. When washing the hair, use a good conditioner and comb through the hair with conditioner on it.  I found that the detangling sprays can make things worse on certain types of hair.  Comb from the bottom up (meaning start 1 inch from the bottom on comb to the ends and then repeat moving up in 1/2 inch increments.)  This prevents accumulating tangles.

 

2.  Rinse with tepid water, not hot.  This helps prevent stripping the oils so that the hair is less likely to become tangled.

 

3.  When towel drying, don't rub.  Just squeeze dry and maybe wrap her head in a towel to soak up excess water.

 

4. Use a wide tooth comb after removing the towel.  If you encounter any tangles, use the bottom up method. 

 

I found brushes to be less painful than combs.  Teach her how to do it herself.  If she has control, then she will likely complain less.

 

Then let it be. 

[regentrude]

Why can't she have a short hair cut that does not need barrettes?

If she has a sensitive scalp, those things do hurt.

 

Ask her if she wants to have it cut short again so she does not have to mess with barrettes and tugging behind ears. This time you can have it done professionally.

 

ETA: And I would also be extremely careful saddling her with expectations how a girl has to look "nice". 

Edited April 27, 2017 by regentrude

[Guest]

That hairstyle is cute and I would do it on my 7yo. Not my 5yo. She couldn't sit still that long and wouldn't care anyway.

[MercyA]

Barrettes can be really uncomfortable for girls with sensitive scalps. How about a *soft* fabric or elastic headband with a little flower or some sparkly embellishments? Definitely avoid the hard headbands, though. 

 

ETA: You can buy adjustable headbands on Amazon so they are not too tight or too loose.

Edited April 27, 2017 by MercyA

[Garga]

Barettes and headbands give me a RAGING headache within half an hour of wearing them. Barettes and ties will tug on a few strands of hair in a painful way 90% of the time I put them in. There's always those one or two strands that tug and yank out of my head.

 

I have fine hair and putting stuff in it hurts.

 

Brushing it hurts. Since it's fine, I get nasty tangles in it about every 10 minutes and every single time I brush my hair it huts. Combing it when it's wet hurts doubly so.

 

I'd believe her if she was my daughter. I have boys, though, and they can keep their hair super short and it's ok (though they went through a scraggly, long-hair phase). I'd keep her hair at chin length with bangs so it's not in her face. I have long hair, but always keep bangs so that the hair isn't always in my face, because barettes and headbands and pony tails don't work well for me. I have a bun in it right now with hair sticks and I have a low headache growing at the base of my skull from it. Gotta get this bun OUT.

 

Without bangs the hair will be in her face all day.

Edited April 27, 2017 by Garga

[bolt.]

My little one got a cut for a long time that was basically "worlds cutest Vulcan" -- above collar length (quite short and fluffy, but long enough to lay down) at the back, and short enough to just swirl around the ears, not long enough to get in her eyes. No matter which way it went, it was cute as a button. I kept it cut like that until she tolerated styling.

 

Kind of like the left one here

http://www.hellobee.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/caramel-baby.jpg

Edited April 27, 2017 by bolt.

[zoobie]

Barrettes and elastics and headbands and hats give me headaches. I had a really sensitive scalp when I was younger. I remember the only time my mom spanked me was when she lost it and whacked me with the hairbrush over a hair meltdown.

 

Keep it cut in a cute bob. Get a Wet Brush. They're amazing. $10 at Target or amazon. Let her try to brush it herself as well as possible. Use good conditioner when you wash it. Before we brush hair after bath, I use a leave in conditioner from Garnier that's about $3.50-$4 at Target on my tangle-prone child's wet hair. It helps even the next morning. http://www.garnierusa.com/products/haircare/sleek-and-shine/treatment/sleek-shine-intensely-smooth-leave-in-conditioning-cream.aspx For mornings, we have a "magic" spray that makes it hurt less ;) http://www.fairytaleshaircare.com/static-feree-leave-in-detangling-spray (see, castle = magic). I actually use their anti-lice spray for school days too, but it isn't a detangler.

[Tangerine]

 

 

Even time I try to do her hair, she claims her hair hurts. I use the spray and everything. I know it does not hurt. 

 

This reminds me of when my DH would make bathwater for DS, who would say it was too hot.  And then he'd tell him it wasn't too hot.  That makes no sense to me.  Clearly it is too hot, TO HIM.  There's no official temperature that is right for everyone.  I think I would take her at her word that it hurts her, even if it wouldn't hurt you.

[catz]

I would cut her hair into a pixie until she is interested in having longer hair. I wouldn't fight a t year old on it. My dd cut her own hair as a preschooler. We kept it short for a couple years and then suddenly she wanted all sorts of cute hairstyles and watched YouTube videos and recruited me to help. 5 year olds don't care and it will change!

[flyingaway]

Barrettes, ponytails and headbands give me a headache. My mother gave up trying to brush my hair. Yes, it was always a disaster in elementary school. Do kids really notice that? That wasn't my life experience. It's not a battle I would fight. I would wait to help her out when she cares. We didn't reach that point until 14 with my oldest.

[Wheres Toto]

I agree with the others that 5 years old won't care what her hair looks like.  My dd is 9 and her friends don't care what her hair looks like.

 

I think a short hairstyle with bangs is probably your best bet.  The right cut will keep it from flopping in her face.  Then, let her brush it herself with a soft brush or wide-toothed comb or whatever works that she thinks feels the best

 

Why is it getting messy so quickly even when brushed?    Maybe some leave-in conditioner would help?

[HTRMom]

The best time to comb hair is while it's coated in conditioner. If you keep it in a bob and teach her to smooth it or finger comb it just a bit in the morning, that's decent enough. There's nothing terrible about hair tucked behind the ears! If she won't let you comb it ever, and she can't or won't comb it either, then she will have to have a pixie cut.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Word Nerd]

I would use a wide tooth comb and lots of conditioner and try combing it in the bath/shower after shampooing. 

[justasque]

Even time I try to do her hair, she claims her hair hurts. I use the spray and everything. I know it does not hurt. ...

 

You cannot know whether it hurts or not, or how much it hurts.  We can never know that for another person.

She says it hurts.  

Why not simply believe her?  Then together you can brainstorm solutions.

Let her wear her hair the way she wants to.

If she doesn't mind it in her eyes, then let it be.

[Rebel Yell]

I have a child that I lovingly refer to as my "Princess and the grain of sand" because a pea would be far too painful, and even a grain of sand or speck of dust would be felt under dozens of mattresses. ;)

 

She has actual pain reactions. We found this out when seeing an occupational therapist for something unrelated. Carbonated beverages, to her, feel like drinking shards of hot glass.

 

Back in my salon days, I had clients who cried that I was shredding their scalp when I was shampooing as lightly as possible with flat palms, and others who wanted me to basically crush their skull. An wanted water temps anywhere from icy slush to freshly boiled.

 

So for the little girl, go for a short haircut with bangs. Let it do whatever it does, but it will be out of her face. Hair is just part of the overall grooming. If she's wearing a cute outfit in the current style, with cleanish shoes in good repair, and is generally clean... then messy hair is no big deal.

 

She will either grow out of it, or decide on her own that she is going to suffer through whatever it takes for her to get her hair the way she wants it to look. So save the hair battles for rare events like family portraits.

 

And my Princess? She of course was the one with the super-thick super-tight curls. She now keeps it short- 1/2" back and sides, 4" on top. Super cute!

[Tangerine]

 

 

Keep it cut in a cute bob. Get a Wet Brush. They're amazing. $10 at Target or amazon. 

 

I second the Wet Brush.  We hang ours in the shower and brush when there is conditioner in the hair.

[Lawyer&Mom]

Little girls look adorable with pixie cuts. I wish my preschooler wasn't demanding we grow her hair out. She was so cute with short hair and it kept all the snarls away.

[Catwoman]

Barrettes and elastics and headbands and hats give me headaches. I had a really sensitive scalp when I was younger. I remember the only time my mom spanked me was when she lost it and whacked me with the hairbrush over a hair meltdown.

 

Keep it cut in a cute bob. Get a Wet Brush. They're amazing. $10 at Target or amazon. Let her try to brush it herself as well as possible. Use good conditioner when you wash it. Before we brush hair after bath, I use a leave in conditioner from Garnier that's about $3.50-$4 at Target on my tangle-prone child's wet hair. It helps even the next morning. http://www.garnierusa.com/products/haircare/sleek-and-shine/treatment/sleek-shine-intensely-smooth-leave-in-conditioning-cream.aspx For mornings, we have a "magic" spray that makes it hurt less ;) http://www.fairytaleshaircare.com/static-feree-leave-in-detangling-spray (see, castle = magic). I actually use their anti-lice spray for school days too, but it isn't a detangler.

I bought a travel sized Wet Brush at Kohl's (near the registers where they have all the low-priced stuff people grab when they need to spend a few extra bucks to qualify for the next increment of Kohls Cash.) The price was around $7.00 or so, the colors were fun, and the travel size would be perfect for little hands. :)

[OH_Homeschooler]

I think you are overthinking. Even if hair mattered, the kids she meets today will not remember what she looked like today months from now.

[bettyandbob]

I required DD to brush her hair daily. She only brush the top not underneath. She had knots underneath. About once a month I made her sit in the bathtub​ and used a gallon of conditioner to comb it out.

 

Our stand off on hair ended when she was 8. She had taken rec ballet and wanted to enroll in the curriculum program. That program required hair in a bun. She was told she could enroll if she did her hair herself. She did it. No knots no dreadlocks after that.

[Moonhawk]

I know headbands give some people a headache (me included), and they slide off some head shapes almost immediately. But, maybe try a couple different style of headbands and have her put them on herself, so she is in charge of the level of pain of doing her hair. Same with barrettes, she may be open to having them in if you teach her how to do it herself. 

[emcap]

I sympathize! Almost the same situation here. Little girl cut her hair, we got it evened out, hair grows forward and is constantly in her face. Complains when I gently comb it and pulls out elastics if she thinks about it. Strongly opposes bangs.

 

Will your child let you blow dry her hair? I know it can't be done every day, but every couple days when we wash her hair I blow it dry with some mousse or gel while holding it parted on the side and that seems to keep it out of her face for a while. Maybe use some good hair product/spray to brush and keep it to the side and out of her face on other days?

 

I'm not judgy about other kids, but I can't stand my kids to have hair hanging in their faces. I can't just "leave her be" because it drives me nuts. Like chewing sounds type nuts.

 

My girl's hair is too thick for soft barrettes and too slippy for hair bands. We usually just try to keep it out of her face and pull just the crown into a side ponytail on top/back of her head for when we need to go out. And she pulls it out when we get home.

[J-rap]

I'd keep it short, like a pixie, as someone else recommended.  And give her a very soft bristled brush like a baby brush, and she can give it a few swipes in the morning and be done.  You can also get her a soft cloth head band to keep it off her face, if that helps.  

 

My dd had a pixie cut until just last year, at age 21, because she hated keeping up her hair!  A pixie is pretty much wash and go, and I think it looks adorable!

 

 

[carriede]

I have a 5yo. I promise she does not notice the hair of her friends. She will notice a pretty necklace or sparkly shoes but not hair.

Yes, this.

 

OP, start by just brushing her hair after a bath/shower with shampoo and CONDITIONER. This is the time when brushing hurts the least.

 

Hair brushing will not go away - I've learned to step back and just try to make my DD comfortable so it's not a constant battle.

[barnwife]

I have a 5yo. I promise she does not notice the hair of her friends. She will notice a pretty necklace or sparkly shoes but not hair.

 

 

I want sparkly shoes!

 

I tell my mom (jokingly) all the time that I think it's unfair that she didn't get me sparkly shoes when I was a kid. Our DD has owned a bunch of pairs. Currently, I think she has 3.

 

As for the OP, our DD is also 5. Her hair is long (below her shoulders). My goal is for it to get brushed once a day. It doesn't always happen. Even when it does, 5 minutes later you can't tell.

 

So I try to let it go. (I'd cut it, but she wants to grow Rapunzel hair.)

[Rockhopper]

1. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect hair to be brushed once a day. Our deal is: you brush it, I "check" it. If there's tangles when I brush it, it's because you didn't get them out. :-)

 

2. Bangs are good. Short hair is good. Soft headbands might be an option. Wash-and-wear hair would be ideal. Engage her as much as possible: if you want *this* haircut, you'll have to have haircuts, but that's it. If you want *that* haircut, you'll need to wear a headband. Etc.

 

Best wishes!

[Xahm]

I agree with all the rest. If she likes short hair left alone, let her have short hair and leave it alone. On special, meet new people, kind of days, I would probably gently encourage her to wear something, like a dress or pink shoes, to signal "yes this is a girl" to make interactions simpler, but if she balks, really it's no big deal. (I do believe it shouldn't matter what a five year old wears, ever, but I've seen lot's of adults do an awkward verbal dance when they are unsure of a child's gender, which ends up making gender into a bigger deal)

[BigMamaBird]

Could you get a properly done little pixie cut?  I have seen some absolutely adorable little girls with short cuts.  You can do soft, lacy headbands and simply use a soft little goat hair brush for smoothing.

[Tap]

 

 

I would cut her hair into a pixie.

There are some super cute cuts that require very, very little care (other than a regular hair cut).

 

Dd18 always was super sensive.  The only thing she would allow is a soft little braid to hold her bangs back on each side.  The sole purpose was to contain her long bangs and that is the only reason she allowed it. Otherwise her hair was kept at the same length as the girl in the picture but stacked in the back to reduce tangles back there.  This was when the stacked/wedge hair style was first coming out and it was adorable on a little girl.

[JessReplanted]

I have kids who act like I am killing them when I brush their hair too. And we have all the tools (wet brush, spray, leave in conditioner). Making your hair look somewhat decent before you leave the house is one of my non-negotiables. It is just part of life.

[rainbowmama]

My seven year old is totally rocking giant 80s hair to lacrosse practice thanks to curls plus humidity. I haven't noticed other kids caring about messy hair. I won't let a kids' hair knot up, but I don't expect kids to have cute hairstyles unless they like that sort of thing

[blondeviolin]

I grew up with a pixie. I HATED when people assumed I was a boy because I rocked short hair (and it was ADORABLE on me).

 

Our rule with hair is thus: You brush it daily. If we're going some place, I reserve the right to come around and adjust it. My most sensitive-headed child actually loves to have it done up and as we've done it, her head has toughened a smidge. WalMart has the best tiny hair bands I've found. They are stretchier and softer than anything. They're only in the toddler section on the same cart thingy that bows and backpacks/umbrellas are.

 

Topsy-tails/knots are the worst for my sensitive-headed child. It makes the ponytail tighter if possible. Braids are better than ponytails for her too. What if you just French braid or twist the front portion that gets in her face?

[alisoncooks]

My sensitive headed kiddo has a cheek-length bob.  (Slightly layered in the back.)

We use lots of tangle spray and a Tangle Teaser brush.

 

I have seen some of the GRUNGIEST kids be absolutely popular/befriended at the park.  I mean, heck, half the time 5 year olds have SNOT hanging out their noses and other kids still play with them.  I'm pretty sure your daughter looks fine (ie. this bothers you more than her/her potential friends).  I say go pixie or give her bangs, if you're prepared to constantly keep them trimmed in the name of fashion. :p

 

How about stretchy sports-headbands?

[Farrar]

Please believe your daughter when she says something hurts. You are not in her body. If she has a sensitive scalp, then it likely does hurt her. She is not lying to you.

 

Please don't emphasize her appearance so much or assume that she has to look pretty to make friends or give her the message that her worth is based on her appearance.

 

As she is a child who is sensitive about her hair and you are a mom who needs things to be neat - both reasonable expectations - then I would get her a pixie cut or a relatively short bob and leave it that way until she changes her mind. If she likes to be girly, you can get her sparkly headbands or the like. If she doesn't like to be girly, that's okay, she'll find friends who also don't like to be girly.

Edited April 27, 2017 by Farrar

[Tanaqui]

If she's saying that it hurts, it probably hurts. And if there are genuinely children who won't play with her because of her hair, you have to ask yourself: are these really children you want her to be friends with?

[maize]

I'd cut it short again if she doesn't mind that; pixie cuts are adorable on little girls and if she has a sensitive scalp they are way better than fighting over hair care.

 

Sadly my sensitive scalp child neither wants her hair short nor wants to tolerate grooming. It is a serious impasse!

Edited April 27, 2017 by maize

[fairfarmhand]

Also, if it's been awhile since it's been trimmed, get her hair trimmed. It will lay more neatley and cut out all the frizzles that tangle so easlily.

[lavender's green]

We did a few months of OT last year. Something I learned is that often it's the light touches on the surface of the skin that are painful to sensitive kids, whereas deep pressure often feels good. If you have to do light pressure (such as brushing), sometimes it's easier on the kid if you give them deep pressure first. Maybe a gentle scalp massage. If you google OT blogs or pinterest you might get other ideas. I don't have a lot of practical experience because my older kids are boys and my daughter is a baby with wispy hair that doesn't need brushing yet!

 

Tangential story about deep vs light pressure: before we did OT or got the Asperger's diagnosis, my kiddo, then 4, sliced his forehead open and had to get stitches. He was very freaked out and had to be put to sleep for it. A week or two later the stitches had to be removed, but of course you don't put a kid under for simple stitch removal, no matter how freaked out they are. The pediatrician (not our normal one) was getting exasperated with us, the parents! "Sorry lady, but I'm not the one coming after a little kid's forehead/eye area with pliers and scissors," is the rebuttal I thought of after the fact. We were truly doing the best we could. Then kiddo made a strange request: he wanted DH to lay on top of him. DH did, and kiddo was able to hold still and get the procedure over with. A year later once we had our diagoses and I was doing a lot of reading about them, it all clicked together. Getting stitches or stitch removal done involves very light surface pressure, which is highly uncomfortable for some people, even those without sensory problems. Kiddo was smart enough to know that he needed deep pressure to cope with the light pressure (and all his emotions). Even if it came in the form of 200 lbs of DAD on top of him.

 

This isn't to say that there is something "wrong" with your daughter or that she needs professional evaluations - not at all! But I think a lot of people can benefit from deep pressure if light pressure is in any way irritating to them.

 

Also, sometimes a change in the person in charge of hair can help. My childhood hair required a lot of care and I definitely had my favorite relatives when it came to brushing!

[Katy]

Multiple people have suggested conditioner and a comb in the tub.  I'd change that to GOOD conditioner (not cheap suave) and a pick in the shower.  Gentle squeeze dripping water out of hair (not rub dry with a towel), and immediately brushing wet hair with a tangle teaser brush fresh out of the bath.

 

2nd suggestion:  Have her brush her hair with a tangle teaser brush before breakfast, and you do her hair while she's eating.  No flopsy tail type styles though, it really is too tight for a sensitive scalp.  I'm an adult and I still can't tolerate that for long.

 

Another thing that works for some little girls is an asymetrical bob - clearly a girl in the front, the parts that get tangled in the back are shorter so there's less to detangle.

 

Something like this:  https://www.pinterest.com/pin/115334440434595993/