How to agree on money

[Scarlett]

When you are married. How, pray tell, do two people figure this stuff out without killing each other?

 

Do you and your spouse agree on how the money gets spent?

[highspirits]

Yes, generally. So probably not too helpful! We don't have a ton of money so where is gets allocated is pretty obvious (mortgage, groceries, gas etc). We then have a small amount each month that we can both spend however we want so no arguments there.

I guess we are also pretty aligned on priorities. Any extra money is going towards savings for some upcoming expenses this year. I guess if someone didn't want to put the money in that obviously sensible place then that would just be a case of them being wrong and not just a 'disagreement'. Only mostly joking on that :)

 

 

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[Arcadia]

Nope. However we have been arguing about money since we were still college freshmen and just friends. So 8 years of arguing before marriage and still arguing. We are both cheapskates/money hoarders and low risk takers with money though so that helps.

[bibiche]

We check with each other on expenditures over a certain amount, which we will then either sign off on or discuss. I tend to be more frugal, but generally we are in agreement about money and expenditures.

[Loowit]

We don't typically fight over money.  We have a budget and if we need/want to deviate from it we talk about it.  DH is pretty laid back about it, and I am the one who pays bills, sets the budget, and such.  There a few times I have had to sit down and show hm the numbers because he wanted to spend money on something and I didn't think we should.  In the end we come to a consensus.  I know that money can be a problem in marriages though.  It was something we were warned about in pre-marital counseling.

[Catwoman]

Yes. I don't think my dh and I have ever argued about money. There's no secret to it or anything -- I guess we're just very fortunate that our priorities are very similar.

[Seasider]

Hmm. We agree on a lot of things, and the money/spending seems to usually follow our jointly held values. There are times, however, when I do need to give dh a reality check on certain items, like what it really costs to wardrobe teenagers (who outgrow shoes et al overnight), the rise in grocery prices, that sort of thing. But financially speaking, I'm a relatively low maintenance wife. He doesn't have any pricey extracurriculars to finance, he's a homebody. Every now and then there will be a thing I feel important enough to stand my ground about (usually an opportunity for one of the kids), but for the most part we don't argue over it. There's enough to meet our needs and save a little, but not a lot of disposable income leftover each month, so as someone upthread pointed out, most of our expenditures are obvious - mortgage, insurance, vehicle costs, tuition. Not much to fight about!

Edited April 9, 2017 by Seasider

[Tanaqui]

I know one couple that doesn't bother. They each have their own income, they split the bills equitably, and each person pays their own expenses. If Mom decides she wants Daughter to have dance lessons, she pays for it. If Dad decides he wants to hire a gardener rather than mowing his own lawn, he pays for it. For household items they each chip in what they feel is reasonable, and if one of them decides they want a pricier item, they pay the difference.

 

It helps that they have about the same salary, though.

[Joker]

Dh and I have never argued about money. I do the budget and go over it with him. When there is any extra, we discuss what to do with it. We may not always agree in the beginning, but we work it out.  I don't know that there is a secret but neither of us have ever really cared all that much about it. 

[Scarlett]

I think it gets tricky with second marriages and child support coming in and one party having a bit of assets befor the marriage. Ect.

 

But basically how do you handle your spouse wanting to spend money when you feel he shouldnt?

[Catwoman]

I think it gets tricky with second marriages and child support coming in and one party having a bit of assets befor the marriage. Ect.

 

But basically how do you handle your spouse wanting to spend money when you feel he shouldnt?

If it's a big purchase, I think either person should be able to veto it.

 

Does he want to spend a lot of money all at once, or is it more like spending a crazy high amount for lunch every day?

[Scarlett]

If it's a big purchase, I think either person should be able to veto it.

 

Does he want to spend a lot of money all at once, or is it more like spending a crazy high amount for lunch every day?

Our disagreement today was over about $100 for yard sale crap I felt we didn't need. Which to me was the straw breaking the camels back.

[Catwoman]

Our disagreement today was over about $100 for yard sale crap I felt we didn't need. Which to me was the straw breaking the camels back.

Did he feel like you needed the stuff or did he just buy random stuff for fun?

 

If he tends to buy a lot of stuff without thinking of the cost, can you agree on a certain amount of weekly spending money for each of you?

[Scarlett]

Did he feel like you needed the stuff or did he just buy random stuff for fun?

 

If he tends to buy a lot of stuff without thinking of the cost, can you agree on a certain amount of weekly spending money for each of you?

A bike. We have 6 already that no one rides. So no I don't think it was a wise choice,

 

I dont care how great a deal it was....we didn't need it.

 

As a point of reference Dh will need a total knee replacement and a back surgery in the next few months.

[Tanaqui]

Scarlett, don't take this one the wrong way, but this is how hoarding begins. Seven bikes nobody rides!?

[Catwoman]

A bike. We have 6 already that no one rides. So no I don't think it was a wise choice,

 

I dont care how great a deal it was....we didn't need it.

 

As a point of reference Dh will need a total knee replacement and a back surgery in the next few months.

So you're saying a seventh bike is not a wise purchase for a guy with a bad back who needs a new knee? :svengo:

 

Needless to say, I'm right there with you on the bike thing. It wouldn't have been about the money, but it would have been about the stupid.

 

If it was such a great deal, can he list it on Craigslist and make a few bucks on it?

[Catwoman]

Scarlett, don't take this one the wrong way, but this is how hoarding begins. Seven bikes nobody rides!?

But they might start riding them. You just don't know. ;)

 

Any day now. Any day...... :D

Edited April 9, 2017 by Catwoman

[fraidycat]

Yes. I spend it and tell him what "we" spent it on. He says Ok. ;)

 

I'm the keeper of the finances, so if he wants to spend on anything beyond his "spending money" he always checks with me to see if we have it in the budget. We're on the same page on most everything.

 

I honestly can't remember ever having a money argument in 16 years of marriage.

[Scarlett]

So you're saying a seventh bike is not a wise purchase for a guy with a bad back who needs a new knee? :svengo:

 

Needless to say, I'm right there with you on the bike thing. It wouldn't have been about the money, but it would have been about the stupid.

 

If it was such a great deal, can he list it on Craigslist and make a few bucks on it?

Thank you Cat. Yea, the Stupid. And the fact that we discussed it and he knew my opinion and he went straight over there as soon as I was out of the car and bought it.

 

AND...he supposedly HAD to have it because his wheel was bent....but then as we talked he says, oh maybe that is Ds's bike with the bent wheel.

[Scarlett]

Scarlett, don't take this one the wrong way, but this is how hoarding begins. Seven bikes nobody rides!?

I could believe it with the way the shop looks. Insanity. But me commenting on it is mean.

[Arcadia]

A bike. We have 6 already that no one rides. So no I don't think it was a wise choice,

Since the money is already spent, could your son do some touch ups on the 7 bikes that you now have and sell at a profit?

 

Is his buying excessively only with bikes? My husband buys me more coats and shoes than I need because fhere was a time he couldn't afford to buy me a winter coat and winter shoes when we just relocated here and my parents paid instead so he felt bad.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Yes, we agree, it all gets spent on bills or the kids.  If there's a dispute then I tend to get my way (which means we DON'T buy it). I usually give in and okay purchases because he works hard and deserves to have the things he wants. 

[Catwoman]

Thank you Cat. Yea, the Stupid. And the fact that we discussed it and he knew my opinion and he went straight over there as soon as I was out of the car and bought it.

 

AND...he supposedly HAD to have it because his wheel was bent....but then as we talked he says, oh maybe that is Ds's bike with the bent wheel.

What would have made me angry would have been the fact that he went and got it even after you said you were against it. It feels a little sneaky or something.

[lovinmyboys]

Dh and I have different priorities, so we do argue about money (not really fight, but have lots of discussions). Neither of us are hoarder types, so I don't know what I would do if he went and bought a bike we didn't need.

 

I like having experiences for our kids, so I am willing to pay for extracurriculars, travel, and family outings. Dh didn't grow up that way and he thinks I am "spoiling" the kids.

 

Also, Dh rarely shops so he has no idea how much clothes and food cost. He will say things like -"you spent $200 on groceries!!!???" We have 4 kids so 200 is really pretty reasonable.

 

Dh grew up poor and we are not poor. In some ways it is almost like he doesn't believe we aren't poor. His first reaction to everything is "we can't afford that."

[Guest]

Dh and I have never argued about money. I do the budget and go over it with him. When there is any extra, we discuss what to do with it. We may not always agree in the beginning, but we work it out. I don't know that there is a secret but neither of us have ever really cared all that much about it.

Pretty much this. We don't argue. And we align very closely in general, but when we differ we just talk it through and find a solution. When it's really contentious we err on the side of spending less than more.

[Tap]

DH and I have been together since we were 18, married at 22.

 

We handle money  in very different ways. We tried having one account for a while, but his way of doing money didn't work with 2 people in the checkbook. He would write checks for all the bills at the beginning of the month, making the account look overdrawn, but didn't mail the checks until they were due and the money was in the account. There was no way for me to know what was actually in the account at any one time.

 

We have both always worked, so we ended up dividing up the bills and each paid our own. We have a family savings and personal savings. He pays the household bills, I pay for incidentals and tuition.

 

There has only really been one time that this caused a problem in our marriage and after a few decades together, I would say that is pretty good!  LOL

 

[Laura Corin]

We keep a detailed spreadsheet, so we always know where we are. We discuss large purchases and assume the other won't be stupid about small ones.

 

We only have joint accounts.

Edited April 9, 2017 by Laura Corin

[LMD]

We generally don't fight over money. We're both relaxed about it, neither of us over spend. We don't have a big income, we have similar priorities.

Money just has never been something we care enough about to fight over - but we're probably not the wisest with it either...

[creekland]

Yes. I don't think my dh and I have ever argued about money. There's no secret to it or anything -- I guess we're just very fortunate that our priorities are very similar.

 

This is us.  We have one checking account and all of our money goes into it.  I pay the bills and run the family finances.  We are pretty much in 100% agreement on our budget and any special items (donations or whatever) that come up. Neither of us are spenders (coffee, lunch, yard sales, etc) except on special occasions and those just get worked into our budget.  We each carry around roughly $50 in cash most of the time, but tend to only use that jointly (going out to eat or something), so it's no big deal.  If we went to a yard sale we'd either go together and agree on a purchase or I'd go and he'd trust whatever I bought.

 

Scarlett, in your situation, could this issue be totally unrelated to the budget?  With his upcoming surgeries is he possibly feeling his age and having more of a mid-life crisis - wanting to be young and free again rather than an adult?  I guess I'm wondering if it's fear of aging - "I can get a bike and ride it!  And it's my money!!!"

 

I think I might be looking at how to combat that.  

 

I don't have answers - just that suggestion.

[DawnM]

We argue over the big things.  Overall we are usually practical and savers, but sometimes.......

 

Like:

 

I didn't get the car I really wanted because he didn't think it was practical

We are arguing over how much to spend on a house when we move

 

PS:  But overall we really like being out of debt more than we want more stuff.  This year we have paid off a TON of stuff, but in the meantime, we have said no to a lot of things.

 

 

Edited April 9, 2017 by DawnM

[Carrie12345]

For us, the given situation would be less about the money and more about the "stuff". Neither of us would be up in arms about $100, but I'm always annoyed with the state of my shed!

 

(We do tend to disagree on what to do with large sums of money, so it sits around until we work it out.)

[Guest]

I think it gets tricky with second marriages and child support coming in and one party having a bit of assets befor the marriage. Ect.

 

But basically how do you handle your spouse wanting to spend money when you feel he shouldnt?

I say, "I am not in favor of spending money on that, because _____________." If he still is bent on doing so, well then I guess I just suck it up and go on with my life. It hasn't happened a lot of times, but it has happened once in a while.

 

Also, not a second marriage, but he had a few significant assets before we were married, mostly in the form of "toys" - airplanes and motorcycles and an account that he used to buy and sell those toys. I have never interfered with those assets or the money in that account. I just don't think of it as something I have an "right" to. (Obviously, this could be more difficult if we were in a very tough spot and this would be the solution to our problem.)

 

In general, we don't fight about money and we have (mostly) the same money style. We are both savers who want to avoid debt. We both have areas where we can be splurgier than the other, but this hasn't been a source of strife because we haven't been so low on cash flow that we started sniping each others frivolous purchases. He doesn't tell me I can't buy books and I don't tell him he can't go on a fishing trip. 😊

[Pawz4me]

For us, the given situation would be less about the money and more about the "stuff". Neither of us would be up in arms about $100, but I'm always annoyed with the state of my shed!

 

(We do tend to disagree on what to do with large sums of money, so it sits around until we work it out.)

 

This, absolutely. The accumulation of junk (defined as stuff that we don't need, that isn't and won't ever be useful to us) would bother me a LOT more than spending $100. 

 

But DH and I have always pretty much agreed on money. And, thankfully, on not accumulating stuff we have no need for. ;)

[amy g.]

We agree on all of the big things. I can only remember one disagreement about money. I wanted a $200 item for the kids. It was physically big enough that I needed Dh's help to pick it up. It was just not a priority for Dh and he finally told me that he didn't think we needed to spend the money. I told him that if it was a problem,he could sell a $20,000 non essential item of his to get the money. He decided to help me.

 

When I have worked, that money goes into my own account and I use it for spending money. I also inherited some income producing property and that money also goes in a different account. It hasn't been a source of friction, because I just spend it all on the kids, but it does help to have my own stash of money that I don't have to answer to anyone for.

 

Dh pays the bills and is smart with money so we don't have conflict about the direction we are going financially.

 

I agree that the bike could be symbolizing a return to health and fitness. He is holding on to the belief that everything will be fine, and he is going to be out there riding again.

 

I wouldn't want to take that away over $100.

Edited April 9, 2017 by amy g.

[HomeAgain]

It took dh and I about 10 years to get on the same page.  We now get our weekly budget meeting done rather calmly (which, imo, is nothing short of a miracle since right now we have 3 homes we're paying for this month: mortgage, rental apt, and rental home. :thumbdown:  ).  We both learned what we are good at - I do great with short term numbers - daily, weekly  monthly...and he does best with long term numbers - investments, deciding what is necessary for a goal.  So we can each respect the other's point of view on the matters at hand.

 

Also, fwiw, I don't care what dh spends money on.  We each have blow money.  His goes towards golf, sports cards, beer, and an occasional video game.  I don't care, just like he doesn't care that mine goes to yarn, books, and an occasional event.  We have to have that little bit of the income to carve out for ourselves without needing to discuss it ad nauseum.

[lavender's green]

DH and I pay the essentials and savings funds, run the larger purchases past each other first, and it basically works out. But we were married young when we didn't have anything, and certainly didn't have uneven premarital assets or other children to support.

 

When my in-laws were first married, my FIL couldn't account for a sizable chunk of money one month. Maybe $800 in today's money. He's a bright guy and good and math and such, but just can't keep finances straight. He literally had no idea where the money went, and he's a terrible liar, so it wasn't anything sneaky. MIL is very careful about money and knew it was an untenable situation. Their solution was to have most of his paycheck go to the household account, which she controls (knowing she's not the type to get spendy other than maybe a latte a few times a week), and a fair, agreed-upon amount goes to his personal account, to be spent however he wishes, even things she inwardly rolls her eyes over. They still use this system, to this day. I believe he does have access to the household account, so it's not like he's being treated like a bad boy who can't be trusted with money. It's just that everyone knows it's best if he has his own fun money, no questions asked.

[Wheres Toto]

I'm in a second marriage and I brought a kid with me.   We talked a LOT before we got married.  Especially because we planned more children and for me to stay home with them.  I pointed out very clearly that he would need to be willing to take care of her expenses if I was home with younger children.  He was 1000% on board.   She was involved in a very expensive activity when we married, we (he) paid more than our "share" at time.  We (he) bought her a car when she was in high school and paid all the expenses involved.  We (he) paid for her college initially and paid for the court case to make sure her dad paid his half.    He NEVER made any indication that he didn't feel she was his responsibility - never on things large or small.  If he did, we DEFINITELY would have been fighting about money (among other things).

 

We generally don't fight about money.  We didn't when I was a SAHM, we didn't when I worked also, we don't now, we didn't when money was super-tight, and we don't now that it's not.   I pay the bills and that of course comes first.  If we are spending more than a hundred or so dollars on something, we discuss it.  We don't always agree and it's not completely a "permission" thing, but we definitely will discuss it.   Usually to see if we have the cash on hand and what the details are.  These discussions were obviously somewhat different when we had less money available.

 

If dh had bought something for $100 that I disagreed with, I'd probably talk to him to find out why he wanted it/why it was important to him.  Then I'd probably let it go.   I spend more money than that on stuff he finds unnecessary or could be cheaper -  curriculum, 4-H supplies, books, and I'm taking a "runaway from home" trip to Connecticut all by myself in May so I figure it evens out.

 

ETA: We were both older so had "assets".  He had a house (the little bungalow we still live in), a very expensive car (still runs), a boat that doesn't work, and savings that was wiped out when he was self-employed.  I came with a kid, a cat, a cheap car, and a lot of stuff. 

Edited April 9, 2017 by Where's Toto?

[Alice]

We don't discuss every purchase. I do the finances. In general we have similar priorities. There are things he spends on that I think are unnecessary and I'm sure there are things I but that he wouldn't but neither of us is a big spender.

 

In the bike scenario I would overlook it if bikes are kind of his thing that he buys (even if it's not realistic for him anymore). My dh actually is also a bit of a bike hoarder so I can see him doing the same thing, especially if he thought the bike was a good deal.

 

However if the bigger issue is not having the same priorities or not feeling like one person respects the other's opinion than I would address that issue rather than the specific issue about the bike.

[bolt.]

Different families work it out different ways. You are getting a good variety... but I suggest the possibility that your intense feelings about your DH, the bike, and the money might be a little bit more related to his upcoming surgery, incapacity, risk, expense, uncertainty and real anxiety (around the upcoming surgery, its causes and outcomes). I mean feeling constantly like 'every little expense' matters a lot, and that 'every small misstep' means a lot about his character and reliability, and the sense that a lot of trouble is about to be dropped in your lap, and the least he could do is be a bit cooperative and not add problems unnecessarily... does any of that sound familiar?

 

If so, I'm quite familiar with that blend of fear, almost-blame, and carrying the responsibility of others that leads to anger. I suggest people who suffer it (maybe you, maybe not you) try to begin processing it before anger triggers and reactivity make the situation far more challenging than it already is.

 

If I'm off base, forgive me. This part of 'my story' is not something I share lightly, and really, I only share it if I think it can help. I have no other motives.

[kroe1]

We agree because we each have our own money. When we first got married, we thought that $1000 might be a good number to actually have to agree on spending. But, the fact that I keep bringing home new cars kind of null and voided our agreement. 🤔

[regentrude]

Yes, we agree on money and always have. We agree on our priorities and on the principle of always living below our means. 

 

Does that mean I would spend the money on each purchase exactly the same way as my DH? No. But when the needs are met and we can afford the purchase, he can make his choices however he wants. Certain things that are important to him are less important to me, and vice versa. Neither of us would ever make a purchase we could not afford, and the needs of the family, including planning for retirement and college, always come first. But we also live in the now, and we work hard. So if one of us decides to buy something that the other would not have bought, that is our prerogative. Always checking that family finances support the purchase, of course.

 

ETA: Just read further: neither of us would have purchased a clearly unnecessary item that is not going to be used. We don't hoard stuff. But I think the issue with your DH's bike is about much more than about spending money. Storing six unused bikes  would bother me more than the hundred bucks.

 

 

Edited April 9, 2017 by regentrude

[SparklyUnicorn]

I control the money and DH agrees to it

 

Nobody gets hurt this way.  :lol:

 

Hah, but seriously, we are always on the same page with this.  He basically doesn't want to deal with money though and mostly leaves it up to me. 

[poppy]

My husband and I are very different, and our spending is different, but we respect each other's judgement and thankfully have enough.   I wouldn't get upset over him spending $100 and i don't tell my husband before I spend $100.. I'd assume the spender would tighten up a little in spending the rest of the month. But if it was truly tight, we'd definitely be budgeting.

[Night Elf]

Actually we always work it out. There have been times we've disagreed. For example, when we bought our sofa and loveseat. It was more than DH was willing to spend at first. I agreed to look at a couple more stores and when I didn't find anything I liked as much, he agreed to buy it. We've always agreed about the big things such as our houses, cars and computers. Really, none of our family of 5 are frivolous spenders buying too much stuff we don't need. We do manage to justify all our expenses. That makes it easy to agree on how to spend money.

 

We both give ourselves an allowance out of each paycheck to use any way we decide.

 

I would never spend more than $100 without talking to him about it first. The closest I come to that is when I go clothes shopping. He knows what I'm going out for and that I'll spend whatever I have to spend to get the things we all need. I guess that's sort of getting his approval before I leave. He's never told me to watch my spending though.

[OneStepAtATime]

DH and I are not on the same page about money.  We weren't before we married but DH usually allowed me to handle the finances because he is abysmal at it. Unfortunately, our situation deteriorated over time once I started staying home with the kids.  We definitely are not on the same page about money now.  It has caused significant contention between us because while I am not militant about being frugal I do feel VERY strongly about living within our means and DH has impulse control issues and also has a hard time distinguishing between a want and a need.  He will pay lip service to not spending on "stupid" stuff but cannot seem to control himself in the moment.  He has great justification in his own head.  It is irrelevant if it sounds crazy to anyone else.  It sounds like your DH may have similar issues.  

 

What I had to do for my own sanity was separate our finances, even though I am not working outside the home.  I do have some limited assets that come in but nothing compared to what DH makes.  We created 3 checking accounts and three savings accounts.

 

1.  The primary account is where DH's paycheck is automatically deposited.  Nearly all bills come out of that account, most of them automatically.  I check everything weekly anyway to make sure the automatic bills are correct.  We agreed ahead of time what expenses would be covered by the primary account funds.

 

2.  A set amount we agreed upon ahead of time is transferred into each of our separate checking accounts each month for us to use as we see fit.  The other spouse has no control over our individual accounts.  If I decide to spend my money on additional academic material beyond what is budgeted for each year that would come out of my account, since DH does not tend to see these things as necessary.  If DH decides he needs a second or third cell phone, that comes out of his account since I do not see that as necessary.  And so on.  

 

3.  A set amount from that primary checking account is also transferred into savings each month to cover our property tax bill, any personal taxes we may owe and of course money for emergencies and big ticket items that might be needed down the road such as a down payment for a car.  The primary savings account is not supposed to be touched by either of us for ANY reason except the agreed upon expenses we already talked about.  

 

4. We each have our own private savings account.  We can move money into our own savings from our own checking accounts as we choose to.  Where that money goes is not dictated by the other spouse.

 

This system has kept me from feeling guilty about spending money on the kids if we are tight on funds because I KNOW exactly how much money I have to spend beyond the normal bills and the money that is in my separate account is mine alone to do with as I see fit.  DH now knows exactly how much he has to spend as well, and knows that the money in his personal account is his and his alone.  This system was designed to keep both parties from feeling nagged by the other party when they spend money on something they feel they need even if the other person doesn't.  If it is coming out of their private account and it isn't illegal or dangerous then the other spouse politely leaves them alone to their choices.  An exception would be if we hit some sort of unexpected financial crisis, in which case the agreement is that our personal funds would be used to help us get out of that crisis.

 

Of course this all hinges on both spouses honoring the agreement and not tapping into the primary checking account or the primary savings account for miscellaneous expenditures.  If one fails to follow that agreement and continues to blow money that was already earmarked for bills/savings for the family, then the system falls apart and does not work.

 

In your particular situation, though, I agree this is not just about the $100 for the 7th bike that will not be used.  He is hoarding.  Does he do this in other areas as well?  It may be a sign of insecurity (understandable considering what is coming up and what has been happening) or it could be lack of impulse control/difficulty distinguishing between a want and a need, etc.  If this is an ongoing issue then counseling may be in order, but get someone who is experiences with handling counseling related to money issues and you may have to try out a few to find one that is a good fit.  In the meantime, though, I think you should also consider separating finances so that you each have some money that you can spend as you see fit without the other spouse trying to micromanage the funds or stress out over anything anyone spends.  It can be very unhealthy to feel judged and like a failure every time a person spends money the other person feels was a bad idea and it can cause tremendous strain on the marriage.  

Edited April 9, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[VaKim]

I control the money and DH agrees to it

 

Nobody gets hurt this way.  :lol:

 

Hah, but seriously, we are always on the same page with this.  He basically doesn't want to deal with money though and mostly leaves it up to me. 

 

Funny! But this is exactly the way it is in our house. When we first got married, he told me he didn't want to fool with any of that stuff and I have done it ever since then. He is very laid back and trusts me completely with the money stuff. 

[Night Elf]

I think it gets tricky with second marriages and child support coming in and one party having a bit of assets befor the marriage. Ect.

 

 

 

I'll address this because I have experience. Both DH and I were married previously. He had a house and everything that went into it. I had a couple pieces of furniture and left everything else with my ex. My DH sold his house when we were engaged and brought that money into our marriage. He put a down payment on a car for me and on our first house. The rest of the money just went into savings and was as much mine as it was his. He had no debt when we got married and I did. He had no problems paying on my debt.

 

I had a child from my first marriage. At first, I was receiving child support but I had only asked for enough to cover childcare and for my ex to have our dd on his health insurance. My DH had no problems spending money on my dd. He accepted her as a child of his own and has never treated her differently than the two we've had together.

 

I suppose we were very lucky that our lives matched as flawlessly as they did.

[Guest]

I am not saying you should be like me, but we generally don't argue. We pay what needs paid and then we are both free to use whatever is left over however we want. If there's 100$ of for grabs and I get to it first, but DH wants to spend 75$ on something, too bad: you'll get 'em next time, slugger. Ditto, me. And that's it. No complaints about what the other persongets, no justifications, no conversations. If I think something he gets is dumb, I am free to say so, and his response will be: "OK" Ditto me :)

 

If you announce an upcoming expense you have in mind, though, it is earmarked and off limits for the other person.

 

^^ This is when we HAVE money. ATM we do not, so no one buys anything we don't all need, so still no arguing :hurray:  <<---- the silver lining to having ZERO dollars.

[Carol in Cal.]

We have done different things over the years, but for the most part we are pretty careful.

 

I take care to economize on the big things.  So, for instance, we drive old cars.  This saves us a TON of money.  I don't economize on lipstick, but that doesn't cost nearly as much.  (I do, however, stock up on it only when there is a 'free gift with purchase'.)

 

And also, I figure out my ultimate household thing, like the exact Kitchen Aide that I want someday.  And then I obsess about how much it costs and can't quite pull the trigger on buying it.  But then when one that is *almost* as good shows up on a local garage sale email list for $50 rather than $900, I jump right on it, and I really, really enjoy that.  It means I never get what I really want, but it also means that I know the real value of my bargains and again, I save a tremendous amount of money this way.

 

I have never ever bought new upholstered furniture in my life, but soon I will.  (I'm almost 60.  It's time.)

 

Where I think we jump the shark is in eating out, which we do too often, to our financial detriment.  Every once in a while, DH splurges on something big that he has wanted for a long time.  I don't mind this except when he is secretive about it, which is rare but does happen sometimes.  I am not sure why, and I need to figure this out.  Once it was a Christmas check that he sent to his brother that made us bounce a property tax payment.  I didn't care about the Christmas present but dang, I was ticked about the property taxes--so mortifying.

 

One thing that we used to do that was really helpful was I took all the recurring, non-monthly expenses and added them up.  This means things like property taxes, car and homeowners' insurance, car maintenance and repairs, life and long term care insurance, and gifts for birthdays, Christmas, weddings, and showers.  Then I divided that total by 12, and we started channeling that figure into a separate savings account every month automatically.  Everything else (after 401K contributions and ESPP) went into the regular checking account.  That account was used to pay expenses that came up every month--groceries, credit cards, charitable contributions, mortgage, etc.  Then whenever a big bill came in, we would see how much we could pay of it out of the checking account, and then pay the remainder out of the extra savings account.  Every once in a while I'd check to see how much of an overage was in the savings account and move some of it into investments or paying down the mortgage or some other big hairy audacious goal.  

 

This was really helpful because it stopped us from being overwhelmed by the big, occasional bills, and made it clear whether we were ahead or behind in saving for them, which was unclear when everything was smooshed into the one checking account.

 

If we had strongly disagreed on spending, we would have also had separate 'fun money' accounts.

[Scarlett]

Different families work it out different ways. You are getting a good variety... but I suggest the possibility that your intense feelings about your DH, the bike, and the money might be a little bit more related to his upcoming surgery, incapacity, risk, expense, uncertainty and real anxiety (around the upcoming surgery, its causes and outcomes). I mean feeling constantly like 'every little expense' matters a lot, and that 'every small misstep' means a lot about his character and reliability, and the sense that a lot of trouble is about to be dropped in your lap, and the least he could do is be a bit cooperative and not add problems unnecessarily... does any of that sound familiar?

 

If so, I'm quite familiar with that blend of fear, almost-blame, and carrying the responsibility of others that leads to anger. I suggest people who suffer it (maybe you, maybe not you) try to begin processing it before anger triggers and reactivity make the situation far more challenging than it already is.

 

If I'm off base, forgive me. This part of 'my story' is not something I share lightly, and really, I only share it if I think it can help. I have no other motives.

Yes I think you hit the nail on the head.