How to agree on money

[City Mouse]

To me, is sounds like this is less about the money and more about what he is choosing to spend it on.

If he had not had a bike and wanted to by that $100 bike, would you have cared?

 

In that case, I would focus more on the fact that one more bike is not needed and is in the way.

My own DH is like this. He loves to buy stuff at garage sales and thrift stores. We don't argue about money, and I don't say "no" about most things, but I will say "we don't really need that" "where will we put that." And even "where are you going to store that? It is not going in my kitchen" Because I say "no" so often, when I do say it, he seems to respect my whishes. He does have his own space at home- a small office room and a shed/workshop. He can put what ever he wants in there. If it goes in the rest of the house, I have veto privileges.

 

I always have a box of stuff that I am collecting to give to our local church thrift store. I am getting ready to put in some beer mugs that he bought at a garage sale over a year ago that have been taking up space in my laundry room and never been used.

 

I will say, that as far as money goes, we don't argue and we have both just ignored the issue for many years which has resulted in a lot of debt that we are now working on paying off. We each have a set amount that has been agreed upon as a weekly "allowance" that can be spent any way that person chooses, so if DH wants to spend his money on something I think is unnecessary, he can do it as long as the item will not clutter up my space.

[sassenach]

Dh grew up poor and we are not poor. In some ways it is almost like he doesn't believe we aren't poor. His first reaction to everything is "we can't afford that."

This is me.

 

I finally just handed the finances over to DH and bowed out completely. I am never in danger of overspending, so I just spend what I spend, and DH makes it work in the budget. He, being the looser spender, does better when the numbers are in his face. He spends more wisely now.

 

He also is more willing to spend on me than I am. So if he sees I need something (like good running shoes) he orders them, rather than waiting for me to be willing to buy them for myself.

[flyingiguana]

I used to think we argued about money, until I realized I was actually upset about the amount of junk being brought into our small house.  Keeping the money in check was just a way I could keep more large items from appearing.

 

We still argue about acquiring more junk occasionally -- but it helps to know that what was really upsetting me wasn't the financial aspect of it.

[Carol in Cal.]

OH!

 

The other thing I do is watch for sales on specifics that are important to us.

 

I'm a fast reader so I am the one who gets all the emailed advertisements.

 

So, for instance, DH has a serious back problem that causes shooting pain in his left foot sometimes, and a job where he is on his feet a lot.  He has determined, mostly from me dragging him around to stores that sell 'comfortable' shoes, that Chacos closed water shoes are very comfortable compared anything else he can put on except Uggs slippers (which I also made him try on.)  The Chacos look like real shoes even though they are mesh--the mesh is dense enough to make them look like sneakers, and they have capped toes like sneakers.  But the uppers are quite flexible, and the insoles' arch and toe box fit DH really well.

 

So after he discovered these, I kept an eye out and when these went on clearance at the end of the season, I ordered two more pairs for him to stockpile.  That was 2-3 years ago.  He has about worn out one of the three pairs, and has another pair about half used up, so I thought it might be time to replenish.  (In case they stop making these, in which case he will be totally screwed and I will have to drag him, kicking and screaming, from store to store until he figures out an alternative.  Not fun.)  So when I got my REI member discount email, I looked in the 'garage sale' section of the website, and found the 2016 model on sale, then used the coupon to get a pair at 20% off the sale price.  Once those arrive, if they suit as the originals did, I'll be watching for a drop in the sale price as well and in parallel assessing how soon yet another pair will be needed.  

 

Tevas are the water sandals that fit me, and this year with my REI member discount on something in the store I got pair of those that are light in color, on sale plus the 20% discount.  My current water sandals are black, and that doesn't go with my summery clothes.  Teva's last forever--I think my first pair is something like 25 years old--so this was a good value that fills a hole in my wardrobe really nicely.  Obviously they are a lot more expensive than flip flops, but they last a lot longer and fit a lot better, which I think makes them a better deal by far.

 

So chances are I won't shop again at REI for a year or two, but I used these coupons to get things we really needed, while avoiding impulse buys.

 

In general I avoid stores.  That saves a TON of money.

[StephanieZ]

Yah, we agree. How? I don't know, lol. But, I'll try to describe it.

 

I guess I don't think it's different, FOR US, than most other topics. We pretty much see eye to eye on important things, and we respect each other enough that when one of us wants to spend on something, the other generally goes along with it. Similarly, we respect each other enough that if one of us wants to spend on something that the other thinks is unwise, the concerned partner speaks up, and the spend-y partner considers and generally goes along with the concern and drops the spending idea (for now, at least).

 

It boils down to -- little stuff, neither of us would imagine it reasonable to question or critique minor expenses. So, we each spend what we want, and the other pays it no mind. --- big stuff, we talk about it, respect each other's viewpoint, and make decisions together.

 

I guess we're fortunate that our *values* are very similar financially. We value time together, education, and financial freedom/security. We're a weird blend of spending for valuable fun (i.e., travel, nice home, family fun, good food, highly desired splurges) now + not being frivolous  (not into clothes/shoes/electronics/shopping as a sport) + risk takers (business and student debts, business ownership) . . . etc.

 

Anyway, our particular skill sets and focuses are quite different but are complementary. So, we agree on VALUES/PRIORITIES, but we don't behave the exact same ways in pursuit of those same values. It works out for the best, as we complement each other instead of fight each other . . . I think this is because we RESPECT each other. . . 

 

So, for instance, I am the one who studies up on retirement savings, health care options, funky ways to save on various expenses . . . So, I come up with an idea to buy a house for college girl instead of paying rent for years . . . I work the numbers, and do the leg work. I keep dh informed. He agrees it's a wise idea, so he signs on the dotted lines. Similarly, I figure out, "hey, we're finishing off paying this business loan this coming year, so let's set up aggressive retirement savings plan to redirect the funds towards retirement now that the business loan is done." Dh says, uh, sure, and I do the leg work, and it gets done. This dynamic repeats itself endlessly in our marriage. It's awesome, actually, that we work so well together. Meanwhile, dh is the one doing the day-to-day finances for both our primary business as well as home, so he's got his finger on the pulse, so to speak, and he has to let me know if we're cash tight or over spending . . . If he does, then I know to avoid Amazon for a while or whatever . . . Our income and expenses are wildly variable, so it's sort of up to him to let me know, "hey, Christmas bills are piling up and it's the slow season at work, just want you to know we're running $xxx on the credit cards (which we generally aim to keep at 0)" . . . and then it's up to me to say, WHOA, that's bad, let's tighten our belts, and then we adjust spending for a few weeks/months and/or I do one of my more strategic financial moves to free up money in some other area. Rinse, repeat. We keep in relatively open communication, enough that our goals are met and we're living our values, and we experience minimal stress.

 

So, if I were to advise someone on how to achieve this financial harmony? I think it'd start with identifying your values/priorities. For us, we value time together and with our kids. We value fun shared experiences together. We value travel. We value education. We value avoiding debt. We value home ownership. We value financial freedom (to pay for nice things, but especially, given what we saw with my mom, for things like caregivers/help when you are infirm, so that takes a lot of $$$ in savings for old age, plus expensive disability insurance now.) We do NOT value the latest electronics, name brand "stuff", shopping as a sport, clothes/shoes, expensive beauty care, etc. etc. SO, I'd take these ideas as a starting point and figure out what each of you value and how your values overlap and conflict. 

 

Then, I'd look at spending and see how it aligns with your values. You won't be able to afford everything you want, even if you highly value it, and that is what the work of budgeting is . . . We value education, but we couldn't afford 75k/yr for college, so our kids knew not to apply to the Ivies, etc (where we would not get any need based aid and they don't offer merit aid). We value travel and time together, and so we do it, but, we can't afford a month at a 1000/nt resort . . . But, we can afford 10 days at a VRBO for all 5 of us . . . etc. We align our spending AND OUR SAVINGS with our values. We budget and juggle . . . and even negotiate sometimes . . . but it's all with the same values in sight. 

 

We're not budgeters or planner on a day to day basis, but I believe that can be very helpful for most people. We're just not cut out for it, lol. We budget/plan on a BIG basis. I.e., I've figured out that, "If we keep doing what we're doing with debt repayment that is on auto-pilot . . . and as long as we can save $x/yr in these set retirement plans (also on auto-pilot)  . . . and we just don't screw up majorly in some other way or acquire new debt (so, keep credit cards paid off, don't tap the HELOC, etc) . . . then we're good to go for our retirement date goals . . . That's it. So, essentially, all we have to know is "we're paying our bills, and our IRA contributions are going in each pay period" . . . and we know we're good to go. That's my budget, and it works for US. I'm guessing that most people need a more precise budgeting plan, lol, and surely we'd have benefited from a more precise plan when we were younger/broker, so I'd suggest to my young adult kids, when they are in this situation, that they figure out a budget/plan with one of those reputable budgeting programs . . .

[Scarlett]

To address a few comments......yes there is a hoarder element to this. The shop is huge and I swear it has more stuff in it now then it did when we first moved here and everything we owned was in the shop while we worked to make the house livable. It is spilling out of the shop now. It looks very trashy and I just can t tolerate it. I went out to the shop last night so I could address the fact that I knew he had gone and bought the yard sale stuff. And sure enough there was a new bike and he also bought a drill press. So I complained about that and then I looked at the stuff spilling out of the shop. I asked him if he thought it was ridiculous. He said yes. Later in the house he told me I am being unkind.

 

We aren't speaking this morning because I said even more unkind things after that.

 

And it isn't just about hoarding.....I think that word is too strong but you get the idea. The other part of this is what I see to be a total disregard for responsible spending. We just got a large tax refund and I put it in savings. After we left the yard sale yesterday, driving home I told him that I wanted to keep adding to that modest savings so that we will have something to live on while he recovers from his back surgery. We discussed details...about how I had to take some out to pay the bills but when he gets his first check from his new job I should easily be able to replenish that amount and still have enough for the next round of bills. He is listening and nodding his head. I also mentioned I was going to buy groceries yesterday and I needed to check that joint account to be sure there was enough to buy groceries and I might have to transfer money from savings until I get paid.

 

His response to all of those details? Drops me at the house and drives straight to Walmart where he gets cash back.

 

So it isn't the one time or the one bike or even 100. I even told him yesterday before he left to go buy the bike...that I was having to spend money on the boys.....I bought new shoes for dss and jeans for ds......and that we are doing ok, but really needed to not spend anything that wasn't a real necessity.

[Carol in Cal.]

Sounds like you have to do all the shopping for a while, Scarlett, and also like he needs a set amount of spending money.  

That's hard to implement though, I know.

[Scarlett]

Yah, we agree. How? I don't know, lol. But, I'll try to describe it.

 

I guess I don't think it's different, FOR US, than most other topics. We pretty much see eye to eye on important things, and we respect each other enough that when one of us wants to spend on something, the other generally goes along with it. Similarly, we respect each other enough that if one of us wants to spend on something that the other thinks is unwise, the concerned partner speaks up, and the spend-y partner considers and generally goes along with the concern and drops the spending idea (for now, at least).

 

It boils down to -- little stuff, neither of us would imagine it reasonable to question or critique minor expenses. So, we each spend what we want, and the other pays it no mind. --- big stuff, we talk about it, respect each other's viewpoint, and make decisions together.

 

I guess we're fortunate that our *values* are very similar financially. We value time together, education, and financial freedom/security. We're a weird blend of spending for valuable fun (i.e., travel, nice home, family fun, good food, highly desired splurges) now + not being frivolous (not into clothes/shoes/electronics/shopping as a sport) + risk takers (business and student debts, business ownership) . . . etc.

 

Anyway, our particular skill sets and focuses are quite different but are complementary. So, we agree on VALUES/PRIORITIES, but we don't behave the exact same ways in pursuit of those same values. It works out for the best, as we complement each other instead of fight each other . . . I think this is because we RESPECT each other. . .

 

So, for instance, I am the one who studies up on retirement savings, health care options, funky ways to save on various expenses . . . So, I come up with an idea to buy a house for college girl instead of paying rent for years . . . I work the numbers, and do the leg work. I keep dh informed. He agrees it's a wise idea, so he signs on the dotted lines. Similarly, I figure out, "hey, we're finishing off paying this business loan this coming year, so let's set up aggressive retirement savings plan to redirect the funds towards retirement now that the business loan is done." Dh says, uh, sure, and I do the leg work, and it gets done. This dynamic repeats itself endlessly in our marriage. It's awesome, actually, that we work so well together. Meanwhile, dh is the one doing the day-to-day finances for both our primary business as well as home, so he's got his finger on the pulse, so to speak, and he has to let me know if we're cash tight or over spending . . . If he does, then I know to avoid Amazon for a while or whatever . . . Our income and expenses are wildly variable, so it's sort of up to him to let me know, "hey, Christmas bills are piling up and it's the slow season at work, just want you to know we're running $xxx on the credit cards (which we generally aim to keep at 0)" . . . and then it's up to me to say, WHOA, that's bad, let's tighten our belts, and then we adjust spending for a few weeks/months and/or I do one of my more strategic financial moves to free up money in some other area. Rinse, repeat. We keep in relatively open communication, enough that our goals are met and we're living our values, and we experience minimal stress.

 

So, if I were to advise someone on how to achieve this financial harmony? I think it'd start with identifying your values/priorities. For us, we value time together and with our kids. We value fun shared experiences together. We value travel. We value education. We value avoiding debt. We value home ownership. We value financial freedom (to pay for nice things, but especially, given what we saw with my mom, for things like caregivers/help when you are infirm, so that takes a lot of $$$ in savings for old age, plus expensive disability insurance now.) We do NOT value the latest electronics, name brand "stuff", shopping as a sport, clothes/shoes, expensive beauty care, etc. etc. SO, I'd take these ideas as a starting point and figure out what each of you value and how your values overlap and conflict.

 

Then, I'd look at spending and see how it aligns with your values. You won't be able to afford everything you want, even if you highly value it, and that is what the work of budgeting is . . . We value education, but we couldn't afford 75k/yr for college, so our kids knew not to apply to the Ivies, etc (where we would not get any need based aid and they don't offer merit aid). We value travel and time together, and so we do it, but, we can't afford a month at a 1000/nt resort . . . But, we can afford 10 days at a VRBO for all 5 of us . . . etc. We align our spending AND OUR SAVINGS with our values. We budget and juggle . . . and even negotiate sometimes . . . but it's all with the same values in sight.

 

We're not budgeters or planner on a day to day basis, but I believe that can be very helpful for most people. We're just not cut out for it, lol. We budget/plan on a BIG basis. I.e., I've figured out that, "If we keep doing what we're doing with debt repayment that is on auto-pilot . . . and as long as we can save $x/yr in these set retirement plans (also on auto-pilot) . . . and we just don't screw up majorly in some other way or acquire new debt (so, keep credit cards paid off, don't tap the HELOC, etc) . . . then we're good to go for our retirement date goals . . . That's it. So, essentially, all we have to know is "we're paying our bills, and our IRA contributions are going in each pay period" . . . and we know we're good to go. That's my budget, and it works for US. I'm guessing that most people need a more precise budgeting plan, lol, and surely we'd have benefited from a more precise plan when we were younger/broker, so I'd suggest to my young adult kids, when they are in this situation, that they figure out a budget/plan with one of those reputable budgeting programs . . .

See I think we view money very different. That is the bottom line.

 

I am beginning to think we need to seperate our money. Which I have generally thought was a bad idea. But it might save my sanity.

[HomeAgain]

Scarlett, would he respond to less overt measures?

 

Dh and I used to be on totally separate pages.  Completely.  It drove me nuts.  I started watching Til Debt Do Us Part every once in a while and he'd sometimes be in the room, sometimes not.  It started a seed, though.  Then I'd accidentally leave my copy of Dave Ramsey in the bathroom.  It was an old copy from the 'free' table at the library, so someone else had highlighted various sections.

 

It was a lot of little things like that.

 

FWIW, dh and I do keep separate accounts.  We have a joint one for all bills, and we each have a separate one we transfer money into on payday for our wants.  It works out well this way for us.

[Carol in Cal.]

My husband was astounded when I started aggressively paying down the mortgage on a house.  Finally we finished.

He told me that he had never thought of actually paying off a piece of real estate.  Not that he had thought it was hard, but that he never even thought about it as possible or even something that people actually did.

(Now you can argue about whether that is a good move from a leveraging standpoint, but he experienced it as great freedom.)

 

And I would not have thought of it if someone of the older generation hadn't mentioned in passing that their mortgage had been paid off years before.

 

And last year when we were trying to figure out some financial things, DH said, why don't we pay off that one mortgage debt, (which I had been debating).  He's gone from unimagining to amazed to instigator on that whole concept.  People do change.  People do learn.  People do get onto the same page.

 

[bolt.]

Yes I think you hit the nail on the head.

I'm sorry to hear that. I consider that feeling-set to be the "evil cousin" of a woman's nesting instinct at the end of pregnancy. It's the intense driving urge to "straighten out" everything and everyone before the crisis hits. It's deep psychology and it's very hard to handle.

 

You can pm me if you think I can help.

[regentrude]

We aren't speaking this morning because I said even more unkind things after that.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. The bolded leads me to think this is about so much more than spending money. I cannot recall any time DH and I had ever  "not been speaking". It is not a productive strategy to resolve conflict.

[Guest]

I am sorry you are going through this. The bolded leads me to think this is about so much more than spending money. I cannot recall any time DH and I had ever "not been speaking". It is not a productive strategy to resolve conflict.

Agreed. That's a big red flag this ain't just money.

[goldberry]

DH and I each have a small amount monthly that we can spend on whatever, no questions asked.  This basically came about because of DH's spending.  :glare:  He has a serious CD/Blueray problem, and also camera gadgets/electronics.  The bad part about this was that I still tended to spend my part on household stuff or stuff for DD.  I occasionally feel resentful, but recognize that is my problem and my choice.    Having a set amount for personal whatever-spending works well.  Other items we have to agree on.

[goldberry]

T

 

So it isn't the one time or the one bike or even 100. I even told him yesterday before he left to go buy the bike...that I was having to spend money on the boys.....I bought new shoes for dss and jeans for ds......and that we are doing ok, but really needed to not spend anything that wasn't a real necessity.

 

Whoa, and he went AFTER that?  That would have had me fuming as well. Nope, not okay.  It's disrespect for your careful managing of the money.  Sounds like he needs an allowance to manage and then to stay out of the rest of the money. 

[Scarlett]

Whoa, and he went AFTER that? That would have had me fuming as well. Nope, not okay. It's disrespect for your careful managing of the money. Sounds like he needs an allowance to manage and then to stay out of the rest of the money.

Well, he thinks I am not happy unless I am controlling things. But I feel like am the only one in control.....so what do I don't? Turn over control to him?

[amy g.]

It does sound like separating money might be a good idea, but I'm not really sure exactly what that looks like for your family.

 

I do think that control is death to relationships, so I would really brainstorm ways to get around that.

 

My grandmother was a perfect housekeeper. My grandfather was a hoarder. He had control over the mess in his car and one bedroom. She had control over the rest of the house. This worked well for them.

 

My own parents couldn't give up control of money or mess and they both ended up alone.

 

In your place, I might set up some accounts where expenses go, then equally half the rest. You are free to save your half. He is free to spend his.

 

Is it ideal? Not really, but it might take pressure off of the relationship.

[creekland]

Where I think we jump the shark is in eating out, which we do too often, to our financial detriment.  

 

Pure rabbit trail, but I mentioned to hubby yesterday that I've noticed our eating out so much recently (due to expected and unexpected travels) has really lowered our grocery budget needs. :hurray:  Maybe we should do it more often.  :lol:

 

I am sorry you are going through this. The bolded leads me to think this is about so much more than spending money. I cannot recall any time DH and I had ever  "not been speaking". It is not a productive strategy to resolve conflict.

 

:iagree:

 

Well, he thinks I am not happy unless I am controlling things. But I feel like am the only one in control.....so what do I don't? Turn over control to him?

 

I'd see if we could have a joint discussion about it when we weren't angry.  Write down some of the options in bullet form - separate accounts, bills paid and X dollars each for spending - whatever you think could work.  Don't have one you've decided on (though you're allowed to have your favorite).  Decide on one together.  I suspect he is feeling stress from middle age and all going on, so chances are he needs to have some control over what is financially possible.  Just remember, if he gets X dollars - so do you.  It won't help to build resentment.  If you don't care to spend yours, start saving it until a time comes when you want to - for anything you want to spend it on.

[goldberry]

Well, he thinks I am not happy unless I am controlling things. But I feel like am the only one in control.....so what do I don't? Turn over control to him?

 

Are you the one who normally handles the money and is he okay with that?  Maybe reconfirm that first.  If so, then tell him, if you are okay with me handling the money, then you are going to have to trust what I am saying when we talk about the money, and when I say we need to cut down spending/not spend/etc I need you to hear what I'm saying.  I'm not trying to control YOU, but you are trusting me to handle the money, so you need to back that up with your actions.

 

I do think it helps to have a certain amount that is to spend no questions asked.  That really made a difference for DH.  

[Crimson Wife]

We agree on living below our means but DH is completely debt-averse even when he knows intellectually about certain kinds of debt being a smart leveraging tool (he's got a MBA in finance and is a Certified Financial Analyst, for Pete's sake :glare: ).

 

He will also try to do "penny smart and pound foolish" things to avoid making large expenditures. He wanted to spend $500 to repair our furnace when it broke when it was already past its expected lifespan. Maybe we could've gotten a few more months out of the thing but fixing it would've been just throwing money away.

 

He grew up lower-middle-class and has residual irrational emotional issues with money stemming from that. Drives me nuts!

[Bootsie]

I think it is more important to agree to a strategy to spending money than both person agreeing that every purchase is a good, prudent purchase.  DH and I have found ourselves in much different places financially during our marriage, because of children from a previous marriage, assets from before marriage, inheritance, personal career choices, joint career choices, health conditions, and significant age differences.  Different approaches worked better during different points in our relationship.  We have similar views and priorities regarding money, but there are always things that DH would purchase that I would not, and vice versa.  I think, when at all possible, for many couples it is best for each person to have a certain amount of money that they can do what they want with, whether that is spend on something they want or save it.  It keeps the one who tends to be a freer spender from feeling controlled and it helps the one who would prefer to save feel that things are under control.  To get to that point, there needs to be an agreement regarding how basic household expenses, such as food, rent, utilities, insurance, will be met. 

[Scarlett]

I was not surprised at all to read this. And...yes, turn control over to him......sort of. I don't actually mean turn over control, I mean....

 

 

I am gently suggesting....instead of TELLING him all this, ask him. You say "we discussed details" but really your post is full of a lot of "I told him" and what you say about his response is just "he is listening and nodding." That doesn't really sound like a lot of discussion.

 

I am not in any way saying you are trying to control him, but it doesn't really sound like he is getting to really have his own opinion or make many, if any, decisions about what to do about the family money.

 

Maybe try the conversation this way...

 

'DH, I am really concerned about the time you are going to be off work and making sure our expenses are covered. Are you concerned about it? Have you thought about it at all? What are your concerns? So we have X and Y and Z concerns, how should we address them'

Good points . Thank you

[Ausmumof3]

I am not saying you should be like me, but we generally don't argue. We pay what needs paid and then we are both free to use whatever is left over however we want. If there's 100$ of for grabs and I get to it first, but DH wants to spend 75$ on something, too bad: you'll get 'em next time, slugger. Ditto, me. And that's it. No complaints about what the other persongets, no justifications, no conversations. If I think something he gets is dumb, I am free to say so, and his response will be: "OK" Ditto me :)

 

If you announce an upcoming expense you have in mind, though, it is earmarked and off limits for the other person.

 

^^ This is when we HAVE money. ATM we do not, so no one buys anything we don't all need, so still no arguing :hurray: <<---- the silver lining to having ZERO dollars.

This is approximately how we work too.

[Catwoman]

Well, he thinks I am not happy unless I am controlling things. But I feel like am the only one in control.....so what do I don't? Turn over control to him?

I think he's not happy because he knows you're being sensible but he doesn't want to admit that he can't afford to buy anything he wants on a whim.

 

You have been under a lot of financial stress. Your dh was out of work and you were worried about money. Now he needs major surgeries and will be out of work again for a while. You are being sensible to want to save every possible nickel. You aren't being controlling; you are looking out for your family's future.

[SereneHome]

When you are married. How, pray tell, do two people figure this stuff out without killing each other?

 

Do you and your spouse agree on how the money gets spent?

 

So here is my professional (I've done that for a living for many years) and personal opinion:

 

People who don't argue over money have the same set of priorities, goals and ideas.  It sounds so like "well, duh", but when I would dig deeper with people, it would almost always be the same thing:  it seemed like they wanted the same thing, but either had very different idea on how to get there or what that "thing" really was.

 

Bc most  people are guided by their emotions when they spend /don't spend $$, it's usually not about the money at all.

 

I would do budgets for people knowing that they would never follow it, bc they didn't deal with they "whys" behind spending /not spending.

 

To answer your question - when we disagree, we fight.  Now, less than before, but we sill do.  Which, if I am completely honest, is very unfair to my husband bc I spend 99% of all the money.   But!  Old habits die hard.

[Shellydon]

Yes we agree.

[Seasider]

I think y'all are in a tense set of circumstances that makes this less about spending and more about what I'll loosely call "other things."

 

I understand that you are especially in tune with the current set of finances, and that the unnecessary spending causes you stress.

 

Also, I imagine that your dh must be feeling a bit out of control of things - his health issues, the tension between you and dss, dealing with his ex.... buying a bike he liked for $100 is something he saw as doable. A decision he could make. Under normal circumstances, I'd be bristling like you are. But you are in a temporary tense period.

 

I remember when dh got his cancer diagnosis. Due to certain circumstances, surgery could not be scheduled immediately. It had to wait a month. That was the longest month ever. Talk about feeling out of control! During that time he tackled a few projects, because he COULD. There was no certainty what would follow the surgery. But until that day came, after which he might be incapacitated for months or longer, he could decide how to spend his time and energy. Perhaps your dh is feeling the same way. So, under the circumstances, I'd cut him some slack on this purchase.

 

Going forward, I'd discuss a budget that includes goals for purchases after paying regular monthly obligations, with an equal amount of fun money for each of you (even if it's a small but equal amount).

 

I love what someone suggested above. Get your boys to spiff up the other bikes and sell them on Craigslist to recoup the $100 spent on the newest one.

[lynn]

We are both cheap at times and frugal at times. If its large purchase like furniture I'll research what I want then tell dh this or that will be $x and he's usually good with it.

[Murphy101]

I think it gets tricky with second marriages and child support coming in and one party having a bit of assets befor the marriage. Ect.

 

But basically how do you handle your spouse wanting to spend money when you feel he shouldnt?

In our case, it means I handle our finances. I love the man, but he can't say no to anyone who asks him for something and he is allergic to following a budget. While it's wonderful to have a generous husband, it's not so wonderful when you find out the generosity came at the expense of the mortgage being paid. Luckily he loves me more than spending money or I suspect our marriage would have ended decades ago. We have an agreed upon household budget, and as long as that is taken care of, I don't get too cranky.

[Scarlett]

In our case, it means I handle our finances. I love the man, but he can't say no to anyone who asks him for something and he is allergic to following a budget. While it's wonderful to have a generous husband, it's not so wonderful when you find out the generosity came at the expense of the mortgage being paid. Luckily he loves me more than spending money or I suspect our marriage would have ended decades ago. We have an agreed upon household budget, and as long as that is taken care of, I don't get too cranky.

Dh told me he knows I do a fine job with the money. Maybe I am just controlling about it...I don't know. I know he just goes and does what he wants without telling me. I think that part bugs me. He didn't say ' I appreciate you don't think this is a wise choice but I am going to buy it anyway.'

 

And yes he is also generous. He spends a lot of time and some money to help others on a weekly basis. It is nice to know he is generous and kind....but our family needs to be the priority right now.

[momacacia]

Generally yes. I changed/learned a lot before marriage and he has been flexible with me afterwards. We come from very different financial backgrounds, family size and spending perspectives. Very different!😂

[Catwoman]

Dh told me he knows I do a fine job with the money. Maybe I am just controlling about it...I don't know. I know he just goes and does what he wants without telling me. I think that part bugs me. He didn't say ' I appreciate you don't think this is a wise choice but I am going to buy it anyway.'

 

And yes he is also generous. He spends a lot of time and some money to help others on a weekly basis. It is nice to know he is generous and kind....but our family needs to be the priority right now.

Honestly, the weekly money he gives to other people has to stop for now. It's foolish to give money away when your own family might need it. Your dh has no idea how long his recovery might take. I know the doctors can give him a general idea, but you always have to factor in extra time in case there are complications, and at that point you'll need every dime you've got so you won't be a nervous wreck worrying about money,

[OneStepAtATime]

Dh told me he knows I do a fine job with the money. Maybe I am just controlling about it...I don't know. I know he just goes and does what he wants without telling me. I think that part bugs me. He didn't say ' I appreciate you don't think this is a wise choice but I am going to buy it anyway.'

 

And yes he is also generous. He spends a lot of time and some money to help others on a weekly basis. It is nice to know he is generous and kind....but our family needs to be the priority right now.

O.k. this is a good thing.  He told you he knows you do a good job with money.  That's great.  You do seem very controlling, about a lot of things, but that doesn't mean you should just give up control or that being so controlling is a bad thing.  It does seem to mean that he is feeling unsupported and judged.

 

What it also means to me, though, is that he doesn't feel like he has any control in many aspects of his life and that can be very detrimental to mental health.  This isn't just about the money.  Think about all of the things he is dealing with mentally that he really doesn't have much control over.  He is under a lot of stress.  Helping others and spending on things like that bike are probably stress relievers for him as he faces so many things in his life that he cannot control.  It gives him a feeling that he has helped others so is useful to people and has SOME control over these specific things, even if the other stuff is not something he can change right now.  He needs an outlet.  For his own mental health and well being he really needs an outlet.   Shopping at garage/yard sales and helping others appears to be his outlet.   Would they be yours?  Maybe not.  Doesn't mean they are not valuable for his mental state. Think of this as therapy while he copes.  Criticizing him and micromanaging him is not actually going to help him or you.  It makes the situation worse.

 

Sit down as a TEAM and discuss options for separating some of the finances.  Be supportive and understanding.  Work TOGETHER to set up a budget where EACH of you has a certain amount to spend each month on WHATEVER you want/need.  No judgments, not even in facial expression or vocal tone or body language.  If he wants to buy another bike and it is in his budgeted monthly allowance of money, great.  Let him buy the bike.  No sour grapes.  Help him find a place to store it, hug him and move on.  Deal with decluttering later on.  He can't face that right now and nagging and stressing over it will probably only make his hoarding tendencies worse.  Don't keep reminding him of how frugal you are or how much money has to be spent on necessities in an attempt to guilt him in to not spending.  Let him use his money for his stuff.  Keep the rest of the finances separate.  No one touches those except for needed expenses.  Use your own budgeted money for what you want/need.  If you choose to spend your money on items that seem more practical, more helpful for the family as a whole, fine, but don't rub his face in it.  You make your choices with your money and he makes his choices with his.  

 

Best wishes.

[heartlikealion]

We don't agree, but I'm trying to be at peace with some of it. For example, dh has been eating out a few days a week for months?? now. Drives me bonkers. The meals are not expensive, but it still adds up. Sometimes I drive out of town more than once a week because something else comes up, so that's gas money wasted. Neither of us is perfect.

 

This is us pretty much every Christmas (the part about making a budget. Fast forward to end to see result of that):

 

 

 

Edited April 10, 2017 by heartlikealion

[Guest2]

Edited because I missed an earlier post that basically said the same thing. Sorry if I am repeating Onestep.

 

I grew up with a Mom who felt like she was not entitled to spend any money on herself when she was raising kids and not working. It is sort of demeaning to ask another adult if you can spend money , especially if the spouse thinks it is silly or disagrees. There is sort of an emotional response to spend more or eat more if an external person or force is perceived as "restricting ", even when it is for the good.

Because of this, my husband and I always have our own spending money. Every time we get paid we each get a certain amount that we can spend however we want. No judgement on each others' purchases, and no going over the amount..save for the big purchases..guitars, ect. It makes it easy to budget, plus it kind of helps us get along. I don't have to try and justify why I want to buy the kindle book and the hardcover, or why art supplies cost so much money. When areas get over cluttered, we do sort of family clean out. " How about we reorganize the garage Saturday?" I have a charity truck sceduled for a pickup on Monday. hth

Edited April 13, 2017 by Silver Brook

[Ravin]

For us, it depends on where the money came from. When DH inherited some money from an aunt, he spent it as he pleased, and that seemed fair to me because it was his inheritance, not mine. As it was, he spent about half of it on things that benefited our family (a car we desperately needed) and half on stuff I wouldn't spend money on but that made him happy (a big screen TV).

 

Currently I'm the breadwinner (well, I pay all the bills except the groceries, actually, which are mostly our girlfriend's contribution to the household). After I pay all the bills, there's not much left. Most of my "pocket" money gets spent on the kids or food (without profligate eating out). DH is still a student, and his financial aid pays all the expenses for that, except after an unexpected auto repair bill he wound up needing $$ for parking on campus, so I came up with that for the rest of that semester for him. If he chooses to do things like buy a small appliance when financial aid comes, instead of budgeting out weekly pocket money for himself, I don't second guess his choice.

 

If I had a little more discretionary income, I'd probably be giving him an "allowance" each week of pocket money as well, but the budget is tight and he has made no objection to me focusing on paying down debt instead.

 

We really don't fight about...well, anything. Sometimes we disagree, and discuss, but it's never got into arguments territory. My parents used to fight about money, once or twice it even got physical with my mom throwing stuff, lots of yelling, etc. DH was a lot younger when his parents divorced, but it seems to be a very common issue. We have always muddled through one way or another without it coming to a shouting match.