Adults-only weddings

[kewb]

I have no issue with adult only weddings. I do think it is courteous to give guests with small children a heads up if they are not local so they can make a decision based on their needs.

[SKL]

I don't understand why people would need to know before the invites go out.  They can RSVP "no" if it's too inconvenient.

 

When my kids were little, I hardly went anywhere that they couldn't go.  No biggie.

[ktgrok]

Piping in to say people should NOT let babies/kids cry and not take them out! If you have relatives/friends likely to let a baby cry and disturb others I can definitely see why one would choose an adult only wedding. 

 

that said, I prefer less formal events in the early afternoon with kids present :)

 

Although only inviting the kids you actually know, or are family makes sense. The kid of your coworker, who has never met you , probably doesn't even want to be at your wedding. Your niece, however, probably does. 

[Pam in CT]

I don't think it's the least bit rude to invite adults only; nor is it the least bit rude for invited guests for whom expenses or logistics make attendance difficult, to decline.

 

My kids are old now, but when they were young, it was a lot of fun to bring them to morning/early afternoon family-style weddings; and a lot more relaxing NOT to bring them to more formal late-into-the-evening weddings.  Both types of are lovely and couples should choose what is enjoyable and affordable for them.  

 

When our kids were young and logistics were complicated, for the weddings of close family members my husband and I often divided-and-conquered, with one of us attending to "show the flag" and the other staying home.

 

 

There may be a regional aspect to this.  I grew up in "New England" CT where family-style daytime weddings were common; in metropolitan New York where we now are, weddings are very often much later and less suitable for kids.  (Aside from the expense, which is also a fair consideration.)

[HRAAB]

Not something I would ever do, and not common in my extended family, but it's their wedding, their money.  But I also wouldn't likely attend, especially if it was out of town and no babysitters.  If in town, I might try to make it to the ceremony but not the reception.  Now that my kids are older, I would attend.  Honestly, I can't recall ever attending a wedding without children.  

[marbel]

I don't think it's wrong for people to have adult-only weddings, but I do think it's a bit odd that a close relative such as a niece (or the niece's parent, OP's sibling) didn't mention it while talking about the wedding.   It just seems like a close relative would get that information before the invitation, simply because it's an event people are talking about.  For other guests, finding out when the invitation arrives is fine though I think it is nice if people who will be traveling to get a little extra notice so they can plan. 

 

Edited September 14, 2016 by marbel

[Elizabeth 2]

I had no children outside of immediate family reception. One of my best friends came to the wedding and left with her three grandsons, but she never complained. She knew why we had our invitations as such.  Why? Because my 70 year old grandparents love to dance.  All 8 of them.  I come from divorced parents and grandparents.  We also had many older friends and mentors we wanted there.  Two thirds of our 200+ guest list was over 50, and many of those over 70!  Having children at the reception would have absolutely prevented the loving people in my life who had made a difference in my life from enjoying themselves or very possibly broken a hip while dancing.  We made sure the main group of our guests feel welcome.  If others want children at their wedding, I would never say it would be a bad thing. It just was more worrisome than joyful for us.

 

However, those few families that were unable to attend, we had over after we were married and enjoyed they and their children's company in a safe environment.  I let the girls look at our photos, try on my shoes and see my dress.  Were they disappointed?  A little.  But when I told the children that weddings are not a place to run and play and that there wasn't a lot going on other than a lot of people talking and dancing to old songs, they understood and a couple were glad they didn't come.  

 

It isn't always for selfish reasons.  

[1GirlTwinBoys]

I think whatever the bride and groom wants should be respected and understood without any hard feelings.  I also wouldn't expect to know any details before the invitations were delivered.

[RioSamba]

I caved to in law pressure and excluded young children from our ceremony (except the wedding party), and I really regret it. The in law children in the wedding party behaved badly and caused great commotion during the ceremony. Their mothers were sour all day. I hurt the feelings of a good friend by excluding her children.

 

I don't judge other brides who don't invite children, and I think it's courteous to let families know as early as possible so that they can plan accordingly.

[JennSnow]

I think it's juvenile. It's something that people who don't have kids do.  Yes, they get to invite whomever they like, but it's a bit tacky to include half of a family and tell the other ones to suck it.  It shows their young age, the lack of being gracious and understanding of a family dynamic.

 

 

Meh..I disagree.  I think it's juvenile to boo-hoo because your kids didn't get invited to a wedding.  I think it's tacky to not show up to a wedding just because your kids weren't invited (barring situations where it is absolutely logistically impossible to make it work).

Edited September 14, 2016 by JennSnow

[Murphy101]

IMO, it's not about "accommodating my kids." It's about inclusion of the people closest to you and ensuring that the people who you want to come actually enjoy your party. As I said in a previous post....If someone who loves peanut butter wants to have a huge peanut butter extravaganza at their wedding, great, "it's their day." But if they have a best friend since second grade who has an anaphylactic peanut allergy and they actually want that person to come and have a good time, then they should probably not have all that peanut butter at their wedding.

 

ETA: or, the maid of honor is diabetic, but not only is there a huge candy table, but there isn't a single diabetic friendly item on it. Or, a very close aunt or grandparent is in a wheelchair, but the wedding is in a very un-wheelchair friendly location.

But no one can accommodate everyone. For all the OP or any of us know, they ARE accommodating the very closest people to them. I know dh and I did in fact accommodate those people truely closest to us.

[poppy]

I think it's juvenile. It's something that people who don't have kids do. Yes, they get to invite whomever they like, but it's a bit tacky to include half of a family and tell the other ones to suck it. It shows their young age, the lack of being gracious and understanding of a family dynamic.

 

I think a wedding should be a celebration. Instead, young couples are presented with the idea that it should be a show, with a choreographer and everything.

 

 

All that said, whether I would choose to take my children to a wedding where they were invited, but might not have fun, is up to me. We have done many where we have stayed only for the obligatory parts and then left to take the kids somewhere else (or home to bed).

Tacky , juvenile and lack of graciousness is exactly why people do NOT like kids at weddings. But I'm guessing that's why you chose those words?

 

I am glad I eloped. I am amazed at some of the responses. So judgmental. Go, don't go....just pick and move on. It's just a wedding. Marriage is important. A wedding is just someone else's party.

[AimeeM]

IMO, it's not about "accommodating my kids."  It's about inclusion of the people closest to you and ensuring that the people who you want to come actually enjoy your party.  As I said in a previous post....If someone who loves peanut butter wants to have a huge peanut butter extravaganza at their wedding, great, "it's their day."  But if they have a best friend since second grade who has an anaphylactic peanut allergy and they actually want that person to come and have a good time, then they should probably not have all that peanut butter at their wedding. 

 

ETA: or, the maid of honor is diabetic, but not only is there a huge candy table, but there isn't a single diabetic friendly item on it.  Or, a very close aunt or grandparent is in a wheelchair, but the wedding is in a very un-wheelchair friendly location. 

Well, that sounds nerve wracking. Revolving your wedding around the needs of ALL other people doesn't sound like a very nice time. 

I have family members who are diabetic, have food allergies (multiple; dairy, nuts, wheat, etc); I have family members who are autistic and have sensory issues; i have recovering alcoholics in my family.

So, essentially, our family-style wedding would be no food, no drinks; no alcoholic beverages, and no music (too loud for the sensory needs!)?

Your examples are very specific to single individuals being invited to a hypothetical wedding. Seriously, though, you can't accommodate everyone. There's no way, especially in large families.

 

Edited September 14, 2016 by AimeeM

[Seasider]

Yes, this.

 

THough, a lot of the people I know who have had destination weddings specifically wanted to get away from some kind of family issue, and often with good reason.

I can see that.

[Guest]

I'm not a fan. Last year, I chose to have none of my kids go to my nephew's wedding because only my over-18yo was invited. I thought that was awful. I'm not having only one of my kids attend their first cousin's wedding.

 

Yes, people can do what they want for their weddings, but when/if my kids have weddings, all first cousins are invited regardless of age.

[vonfirmath]

I would want to know before I made travel arrangements. So you made travel arrangements based on a word of mouth date, not an invite? Or save the date invite? Or.. ?

 

This is what I was thinking. I'd have been VERY upset to make arrangements to travel to a wedding (Plane tickets, etc) to discover it was adult-only a month ahead.

[OneStepAtATime]

I have had many invitations to weddings and there have been some that specifically stated adults only and some that did not but even if it didn't state it there were a lot of weddings I attended that did not have kids (or had very few) in attendance.  I guess this really may be a regional thing?  

 

FWIW, I know at least two of the weddings that were adults only were because the couple had very limited funds and a very limited in size venue.  There simply were not enough places for large groups of people to sit at either the wedding OR the reception.  In one instance, the location had profound meaning for the couple and they wanted very badly to get married there but it meant keeping the numbers very small.  In another case the venue was provided by a family member with the stipulation that the number of people invited be limited to a certain small amount for safety reasons.  I do not see that as selfish.  I was unable to attend that particular wedding but it never occurred to me to think they were being selfish to limit the number of people coming.  

 

I HAVE seen weddings where nursing infants were specifically included even when older children were not.  

 

DH had a cousin that got married over seas.  We received the invitation months in advance so everyone could make plans.  Children were not invited.  No guilt if we couldn't come.  They knew that many could not travel that far.  No gifts were expected, either.  Just being able to make it to the wedding was considered enough.  I never felt they were being selfish at all.  

 

I DO find it selfish if a couple sends out invitations, especially if they have specific stipulations such as Adults Only, then gets offended if someone can't make it (as mentioned up thread).  THAT seems selfish.  

 

 

[Pippen]

I think it's because it is so often framed in terms of the wedding being all about the couple and their special day, paired with a lot of the wider cultural/consumerist expectations about weddings.  So often there seems to be an emphasis on putting on a good show that meets some kind of vision from a magazine or reality tv show.

 

I didn't care about putting on a show, but in the year leading up to our wedding we'd been to a number of wedding services that were disrupted by crying babies, etc. and while I probably wouldn't make that same call now, at the time we opted to invite children of close family and friends only. We also arranged for babysitters in the church nursery for children under 5, and gave parents the option of leaving children with them during the ceremony. Most did, and then the children joined us at the reception. 

[Guest]

I have had many invitations to weddings and there have been some that specifically stated adults only and some that did not but even if it didn't state it there were a lot of weddings I attended that did not have kids (or had very few) in attendance. I guess this really may be a regional thing?

 

FWIW, I know at least two of the weddings that were adults only were because the couple had very limited funds and a very limited in size venue. There simply were not enough places for large groups of people to sit at either the wedding OR the reception. In one instance, the location had profound meaning for the couple and they wanted very badly to get married there but it meant keeping the numbers very small. In another case the venue was provided by a family member with the stipulation that the number of people invited be limited to a certain small amount for safety reasons. I do not see that as selfish. I was unable to attend that particular wedding but it never occurred to me to think they were being selfish to limit the number of people coming.

 

I HAVE seen weddings where nursing infants were specifically included even when older children were not.

 

DH had a cousin that got married over seas. We received the invitation months in advance so everyone could make plans. Children were not invited. No guilt if we couldn't come. They knew that many could not travel that far. No gifts were expected, either. Just being able to make it to the wedding was considered enough. I never felt they were being selfish at all.

 

I DO find it selfish if a couple sends out invitations, especially if they have specific stipulations such as Adults Only, then gets offended if someone can't make it (as mentioned up thread). THAT seems selfish.

I had very limited funds for my wedding, but all my nieces and nephews were invited. It would never have entered my mind that I would have, say, my sister there, but not her kids. I even invited the three kids of a family friend because one kid was over 18 and I couldn't imagine saying, "I would love for Brian to come, but boy, please leave that Scott and Matt home!"

[Carol in Cal.]

I'm glad that I got to go to a lot of weddings as a kid.

It tied me tighter into our church 'family', and I got to see adults acting silly and having a great time, and hear serious vows, and see shining, happy couples.  I got to learn ballroom dancing, little by little, over the years.  I got to dance with some increasingly cute guys in a friendly way, a fairly gradual process that was very safe and festive.  

 

We invited close family children, but not the kids of the 5th cousins who we would not have recognized on the street.  It did not occur to me to worry about kids making noise.  One guy's wife decided not to come at the last minute, and so he brought their son, who was about 4, wearing an adorable little suit, maybe even a tux.  Everybody wanted to dance with him!  Another single guest brought her 14 year old daughter instead of a date--she caught the bouquet, and was completely overwhelmed by that.  It was pretty cute.  

 

If this all sounds kind of random and a bit community-oriented, well, that's how I roll.

[OneStepAtATime]

I had very limited funds for my wedding, but all my nieces and nephews were invited. It would never have entered my mind that I would have, say, my sister there, but not her kids. I even invited the three kids of a family friend because one kid was over 18 and I couldn't imagine saying, "I would love for Brian to come, but boy, please leave that Scott and Matt home!"

I understand what you are saying but I think there are also different cultural/regional/family dynamics/religions involved here, which is probably why I don't immediately think "Selfish" when I see an adults only invite.  I have attended several weddings where even if the invitation did not explicitly state it there were very few children at the wedding/reception.  Of course, I have also attended weddings where EVERYONE attended, too, but quite often I have seen weddings where it was mainly adults.

 

FWIW, my husband and I invited families, not just couples, but very few people actually brought their kids, even those traveling from out of town.  That's why I think this must be partly cultural or regional or whatever.  DH's siblings did bring their children but there weren't very many.  We did not exclude anyone.  Of my 3 bridesmaids, two had infants and they brought them.  No worries.  But mostly adults came without their kids, even though the kids were also part of the invitation.

Edited September 14, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[snickerplum]

We were adults only for the ceremony. It was in an old plantation house/mansion and the room we were in echoed a bit. I didn't want extra noises to drown out our voices on the DVD. We hired a professional nanny to watch the children during the ceremony and parents could go get their children for the reception. The children could play and the parents didn't have to worry about little Johnny and Jane fussing or being loud. Win win.

We weren't being selfish or juvenile. It wasn't due to budgets either. That nanny wasn't cheap. :-)

[Scarlett]

I recognize people have the right to invite whoever they want to their wedding....but I don't like it. To me....weddings are about joint two people and that creates a family.....thus a family affair...

 

That said....i wouldn't refuse to go just bcause my kids weren't invite.

[Zinnia]

I don't understand why people would need to know before the invites go out.  They can RSVP "no" if it's too inconvenient.

 

When my kids were little, I hardly went anywhere that they couldn't go.  No biggie.

 

In our family, "the hotline" gets out any news like this.  For us, if it's our nieces and nephews, we want to be there.  But they are all 12+ hours away, which makes childcare more difficult  We'd just like to know ahead of time so we can figure out if we can make it work or if we need to skip.  That affects our travel plans and whether we drive or fly or whatever.  And on a tight budget, it's just good to know ahead of time.  

 

Luckily, all of my sister-in-laws think nothing of spreading news like this around.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Where I grew up, I don't remember ever going to a wedding reception.  They were mostly evening, sit-down affairs that would have been difficult for children.  I do remember my mom taking me to a couple wedding ceremonies ... they were my babysitters who grew up and got married.  They were Catholic weddings where it is expected that anyone can attend the ceremony, like Martha mentioned earlier.  However, mom dropped me off back home and she and my dad went to the reception.  I think a couple of my older siblings went to the reception, but they were friends with the couple.  (I have siblings much older than me.) 
 

When I grew up, it was very common for my parents to go out and either my older siblings would babysit or, when they were older, get babysitters for us.  Mostly, they just went to a neighbor's house for a dinner party that was adults only.  I suppose my mom really looked forward to those nights out.  I never felt like I was missing out on something.  That is probably it never struck me as unusual to have weddings with sit-down dinners that did not include every guest's children. 

 

I was probably one of the last people in my family and friends to get married.  I'd have to say that the only children there were the nieces and nephews of the bride and groom.  Often, the receptions were at a hotel.  The couple would often have a room at the hotel with a paid adult babysitter arranged for the kids of family members who would want some place to go to just be a kid - they had games, coloring books, kid-friendly movies, etc. 

 

For my own wedding, we had children of immediate family members, but did not invite children of all of our guests.  We did have a couple of baby sitters on site in a separate room for my nieces and nephews who needed to get away for a while and for the two friends who had nursing babies who didn't want to leave their child for a long day, but wanted to have their child nearby.  I don't think anyone declined the invitation for not inviting their children. 

 

My husband and I have gone to several weddings of family members (cousins, nieces and nephews) where our kids were not invited.  If I had a young nursling that I could not leave for that long, I would not have gone.  We usually could rely on family or friends to babysit if we had enough notice.  A couple of years ago, when my brother's daughter got married, part of me was a little hurt that my kids were not invited to my niece's wedding, but I understood it. My SIL told me about the plans well ahead of time so that we could plan appropriately. My kids are much younger than most of my siblings kids and the couple that got married had hardly even met my kids while they more or less grew up with the other cousins.  It was a wedding where we had to travel and we probably could not have afforded bring all the kids.  Also, they would have missed school to go as well.  Dh and I enjoyed ourselves since it was probably our first night away together without kids.  We had a blast.  I think my daughter was the only one who kind of wanted to go, but she understood. 

[Zinnia]

Culture plays into this, too.

 

I come from a place where afternoon weddings, then a fellowship hall reception with chicken fingers, punch, and cake is normal and expected. Kids are fine at these weddings. And yet, they sometimes exclude them. It is not for budget or space or appropriateness. It is for...dislike? Fear of bad behavior? Hard to know. But adult only weddings of this style feel a bit silly to me.

[gardenmom5]

Yes, this.

 

THough, a lot of the people I know who have had destination weddings specifically wanted to get away from some kind of family issue, and often with good reason.

almost all of dh's nieces and nephews have had "destination" weddings. (ranging from states where the husbands are from, to asia to eastern europe)  some - were to exclude a specific person (and used the excuse of the state where the husbands were from).  some - I don't know why.   two nieces eloped, didn't want the hassle.

[Reefgazer]

Now I certainly wouldn't hold a grudge against someone who didn't want my kids at their wedding; I would just not attend. Here's the thing though: if you are running an out of town affair and ask a couple with young kids to attend and exclude those kids, it's almost a given that they can't attend. So why bother issuing the invite in the first place? If their presence was really valued, the kids would be invited and accommodated somehow.

 

The people paying for the event get to decide what type of event they wish to host, where they wish to hold it, how much they want to spend, how many people they can accommodate, and whether the event will be child-friendly or not. It's their sandbox. The guests don't get to give them grief or hold grudges about their choices.

 

The guests then get to make their decisions based on those particulars. If they don't wish to spend the time and money to attend the destination wedding... scramble to find a sitter and maybe not be able to get one... rush to drive several hours on a weeknight... or whatever, they should not feel obligated to do anything but politely decline the invitation. The hosts don't get to give the guests grief or hold grudges about their decision either.

 

Everybody should just wish everyone well.

 

But that's my perfect world. In my dreams.

[heartlikealion]

Save the date and chatting with the bride and mother of the bride.

 

 

 

It's been a long time since I've planned a wedding, but I figured the guest list would be somewhat set when they sent the save-the-dates.  I'm not sure how it could have been done tactfully, but I had talked with both the mother of the bride (my sister) and the bride since we received them, so they knew we were planning on coming before we bought the plane tickets.  It's honestly not that big a deal since we'd've all been coming out for another wedding anyway, but other relatives had talked about being excited to meet the baby at the wedding, etc.  I've been rearranging prior plans we made with the in-laws and friends so that we can spend time with those relatives outside the wedding.

 

Your sister? COME ON. She should have told you (if she knew). Maybe I have a different relationship with my sisters. We would definitely make that clear. We are all very financially cautious with booking flights and such. But given that you were traveling anyway, sounds like maybe they didn't think they'd be saving you any money by telling you. Could be as someone else mentioned, that they didn't realize it was going to be adults-only until right before invites were made. I'm wondering if this adults-only thing is really just an excuse to cut down on the amount of food and has nothing to do with liking children around.

[heartlikealion]

I don't care who people invite, but when they invited just dh and me, and I had small children, I didn't go. We didn't do sitters. Weird, I know.

 

I was polite about it, but there were a few years there where we were a group package. You got all of us or none of us!

 

Not weird to me but then again, we're kinda weird so... :)

[Guest]

I understand what you are saying but I think there are also different cultural/regional/family dynamics/religions involved here, which is probably why I don't immediately think "Selfish" when I see an adults only invite. I have attended several weddings where even if the invitation did not explicitly state it there were very few children at the wedding/reception. Of course, I have also attended weddings where EVERYONE attended, too, but quite often I have seen weddings where it was mainly adults.

 

FWIW, my husband and I invited families, not just couples, but very few people actually brought their kids, even those traveling from out of town. That's why I think this must be partly cultural or regional or whatever. DH's siblings did bring their children but there weren't very many. We did not exclude anyone. Of my 3 bridesmaids, two had infants and they brought them. No worries. But mostly adults came without their kids, even though the kids were also part of the invitation.

Just FTR, I don't think "selfish!" either. I only said I'm not a fan. My nieces and nephews who have gotten married in the past few years have all had kids at the wedding, except one. I simply loved the weddings with all the young family members much, much more.

[bettyandbob]

People do what's right for them based on what they know and want at the time. And that's OK.

 

Selfish is

1. Getting upset that the invite didn't include whomever you (the guest) wanted

2. Getting upset because people declined your (the host) invitation because cost/travel/childcare issues made it difficult to accept.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah it's not so great.  I mean their wedding and their call, but then it does mean some won't come.  I was invited to one such wedding and only I went because someone had to stay home with our kids.  I was out of town and since all of my relatives were going, there was nobody who I could ask to sit for us.  I wasn't mad about it because it's common in my experiences with weddings, but I do agree it seems like something someone without kids does because they really just don't think about how difficult this makes it for some people and especially if they are from out of town. 

Edited September 14, 2016 by SparklyUnicorn

[Carrie12345]

As someone with a good number of kids who has missed quite a few weddings, I'm 100% cool with no kids.  I don't want people paying per-plate for my little ones.  Even at a laid back, less expensive event, I don't mind the fact that some people may want to be grown ups only.  It also doesn't bother me when people include kids closest to the couple (actual nieces and nephews, etc.) but exclude every 2nd cousin's broods.  I have lots of 2nd cousins, lol. My children aren't close to them at their ages, when we get together once every year or two.  I am, after almost 40 years and FB!

 

There's also just the space factor.  Our simple "little" family vacation is going to be 9-10 adults and 10-12 children.  For a wedding, we'd be more than doubling our portion of a guest list with kids! I can't imagine having everyone do that.

[Alice]

The people paying for the event get to decide what type of event they wish to host, where they wish to hold it, how much they want to spend, how many people they can accommodate, and whether the event will be child-friendly or not. It's their sandbox. The guests don't get to give them grief or hold grudges about their choices.

 

The guests then get to make their decisions based on those particulars. If they don't wish to spend the time and money to attend the destination wedding... scramble to find a sitter and maybe not be able to get one... rush to drive several hours on a weeknight... or whatever, they should not feel obligated to do anything but politely decline the invitation. The hosts don't get to give the guests grief  or hold grudges about their decision either.

 

Everybody should just wish everyone well.

 

But that's my perfect world. In my dreams.

 

I think this says it perfectly. 

 

In the case of the OP, it probably would have been kind for the mother of the bride (sister of OP) to let her know that kids weren't invited. Not necessary but kind. Just to make planning easier and for expectations. My kids love weddings and would be disappointed to think they were going to a family member's wedding but then not be invited. 

 

But I'd also realize that people who are wedding planning are swamped with all kinds of things and get a little crazy and may have just forgotten to let you know or may have just overlooked it. Or maybe the decision was a last minute one and was an argument between different sides of the family (groom vs. bride) and they didn't know for sure until the invitations went out. Or maybe they thought they had told you.  I'd be inclined to think "Hmmm....would have been nice if they had told me," but to keep that to myself, attend the wedding, have fun and not hold it against them. 

[DawnM]

I used to be against them, but I went to my cousin's son's wedding this summer with about 15 little kids, 10 of whom were not well supervised. I couldn't even hear the wedding. They would yell out, were given a "don't do that" and then would yell out again without consequence other than the parent kind of shrugging with a "well, what do I do?" look.

 

I now think it is perfectly fine to do a child free wedding.

 

Dawn

[G5052]

I recognize people have the right to invite whoever they want to their wedding....but I don't like it. To me....weddings are about joint two people and that creates a family.....thus a family affair...

 

That said....i wouldn't refuse to go just bcause my kids weren't invite.

 

I agree. 

 

Because of financial issues, there have been several that I've attended alone when mine were little. They were evening weddings with a late return, and with that many hours and how late it would be, we'd have to hire an adult sitter. Just more than we could afford at the time.

 

In one case the no-children wedding was in the morning and the no-children reception was evening starting at 7:30pm. I drove over an hour through heavy traffic and just went home afterwards, again through heavy traffic. There wasn't really anything I could do in that area for the rest of the day, and the thought of spending 4-6 hours in traffic on a Saturday didn't do much for me. We would have had to hire two sitters or had one sitter all day for that one. 

 

The destination weddings are even more of a puzzle to me. One of DH's brothers had a destination wedding at a pricey location. It would have been $6,000 for all of us to go just for the weekend. And again, not a time we could swing that at all. Only one of the immediate family went, and he flew in for the day and then back that evening.

 

Ultimately it's their wedding though, not mine! 

[KungFuPanda]

I don't understand how a time or venue can be inappropriate for children or how their attendance makes the event tacky and juvenile? We're talking dinner, dancing, and cake, right? Kids can eat dinner and roam around a noisy room without issue. Unless your reception is at midnight at a strip club and has more of a frat party kegger feel? Do people think all young children have 8 p.m. bedtimes and meltdowns?

[ktgrok]

I didn't care about putting on a show, but in the year leading up to our wedding we'd been to a number of wedding services that were disrupted by crying babies, etc. and while I probably wouldn't make that same call now, at the time we opted to invite children of close family and friends only. We also arranged for babysitters in the church nursery for children under 5, and gave parents the option of leaving children with them during the ceremony. Most did, and then the children joined us at the reception. 

 

I think that's perfectly reasonable. You didn't invite kids you didn't know (and I'm a fan of not inviting people you don't know anyway), and you didn't outlaw the kids you did know. You provided a nursery, but didn't flip out if they didn't use it. (my oldest couldn't be left in a nursery, ASD, but he could sit through a wedding, and did, several times.) 

 

I think having your nieces and nephews at your wedding is important if you are close to them. I don't think having your boss's 3 yr old you've never met is important or needed. 

[ktgrok]

Now I certainly wouldn't hold a grudge against someone who didn't want my kids at their wedding; I would just not attend. Here's the thing though: if you are running an out of town affair and ask a couple with young kids to attend and exclude those kids, it's almost a given that they can't attend. So why bother issuing the invite in the first place? If their presence was really valued, the kids would be invited and accommodated somehow.

 

 

Because if you didn't invite them, they'd be insulted you didn't invite them. 

[poppy]

A few have said 'If you don't invite kids you don't invite me ' is not -- IMO -- how most people with children feel . Refusal to ever use sitters is fine, but it is not typical. So I don't think it is fair to assume a young couple (particularly without kids) would know that asking a parent to attend an adults-only event is offensive / a gift grab / wrong . Heck, there are plenty of parents who welcome nights out without the kids.

 

I know it doesn't seem that way in this thread big c'mon. Were largely a bunch of stay at home parents who are also homeschoolers. Atypical bunch.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Valley Girl]

I think this says it perfectly. 

 

In the case of the OP, it probably would have been kind for the mother of the bride (sister of OP) to let her know that kids weren't invited. Not necessary but kind. Just to make planning easier and for expectations. My kids love weddings and would be disappointed to think they were going to a family member's wedding but then not be invited. 

 

But I'd also realize that people who are wedding planning are swamped with all kinds of things and get a little crazy and may have just forgotten to let you know or may have just overlooked it. Or maybe the decision was a last minute one and was an argument between different sides of the family (groom vs. bride) and they didn't know for sure until the invitations went out. Or maybe they thought they had told you.  I'd be inclined to think "Hmmm....would have been nice if they had told me," but to keep that to myself, attend the wedding, have fun and not hold it against them. 

 

Oh, I absolutely agree. In that case and with it being a close relative where there might have been an reasonable expectation of kids being invited, it would definitely have been considerate to say something in advance.

 

Kids/no kids at weddings is such an individual thing. Even spouses don't necessarily see it the same way. When one of DH's nieces was getting married, his sibling called ahead of time to let us know it was an adults-only affair. Travel was involved. However, finding a sitter at the location would not have been an issue for us. (My family was available.) DH's reaction (to me) was that if our kids weren't invited we wouldn't go. My reaction: Cool. An evening out and a chance to visit with grownups. We ultimately ended up not going because of the travel costs. Was his sister angry? I don't know. Don't really care. We decided shelling out $2000 for airfare and car rental for a weekend event did not fit our finances at that particular time. We sent a generous check. Their event = their decision. Our budget = our decision.

[FaithManor]

Couples can do what they want and to be honst wih you, I have seen many a child acting horribly and making things miserable for guests so I get why this is becoming increasingly common.

 

But couples must also take the consequences. I recently decorated an adults only reception. The groom was very upset when his sister arrived without her husband whom the groom is extremely close and spends a lot of time. Sister and husband have four children one of whom was recently adopted from China, only speaks about 100 words in English, and has a physical disability. He has only ever stayed with his other aunt, and his grandparents all of whom were wedding guests. Leaving him wih an untrained baby sitter was not an option.

 

So no brother in law. They also had a bridesmaid back out the day of when her husband, a trauma surgeon got called in on an emergency case and she could not find a last minute sitter for her ten year old daughter. So there were four groomsmen and three bridesmaids.

 

The bride and groom ended up being very disappointed. Well "them's the ropes". If you make the rule you live with the outcome.

 

Now that said, given that a my cousin's son's wedding three children there acted like horrible hooligans, their parents did nothing to stop it, and the result was they badly damaged the wedding cake before it was even cut, photo bombed the professional photographer on a regular basis, broke some glassware, and threw food at each other while their parents looked on occssionally expressing the sentiment "we can't do anything with them" instead of grabbing the transgressors by the arms and taking them put, I see the attraction of adults only.

 

Not to mention that many venues now charge full price or close to full price for kids so having a lot of children at a reception can really add up. Due to our society's penchant for not teaching children manners, a number of banquet halls have also become "no admittance to minors under 14". Essentially they are trying to eliminate the worst liability.

Edited September 14, 2016 by FaithManor

[Ellie]

My niece is getting married next month back in our hometown.  While we don't talk regularly, we do chat occasionally, lately mostly about her wedding planning.  I was a bit taken aback when we got the invitations last week and realized the wedding was adults-only, considering that it's not the norm in our family.  We're lucky that MIL lives close enough that she can babysit, and that it looks like there's enough time between the ceremony and reception that I can run back and nurse the baby.  I know there are several other relatives (some with younger babies) that will be in the same situation, but without the built-in babysitters.

 

What do you think about adults-only weddings?  While I certainly don't think it's any of my business what her reasons are, I do wish she'd mentioned it to us before we got the invites so we could've planned better.  Do you think guests traveling from out-of-town should be given a heads-up about it through the grapevine?

 

I have no problem with adults-only weddings. It is not all that unusual. Yes, of course, people should know ahead of time, and the grapevine works fine.

 

. 

[FaithManor]

almost all of dh's nieces and nephews have had "destination" weddings. (ranging from states where the husbands are from, to asia to eastern europe) some - were to exclude a specific person (and used the excuse of the state where the husbands were from). some - I don't know why. two nieces eloped, didn't want the hassle.

I know why. As an event planner, I can tell you the behind the scenes. Weddings bring out the evil in relatives. Period. Doubly so if there are divorces among the relatives, triple that if it is among grandparents, and quadruple the effect among parents. And it tends to end with a lot of drama during the planning that makes he brjde and groom miserable.

 

We live in a very "everything is about me society" so relatives, friends, and even acquaintances complain about every.little.thing. The general you who are not privy to the behind the scenes and just get an invite and show up have no idea that the mother and the step mother were screaming at each other five minhtes prior to the start of the ceremony, that the step sister deliberately damaged a bridesmaid dress because she was jealous of not being in the bridal party, that 30 people who never rsvp'ed showed up expecting to be fed and the venue is charging the family an extra thousand dollars on top of the agreed upon per head charge for having to call in staff at the last minute and get more food from another restaurant so they do not run short, that family members brought uninvited kids who go into the sound booth at the church, play with the equipment, and break a $500 item which is then charged to the wedding host who is quite unlimely to recover from the parents of said children, that Uncle Bob came drunk and mouthy even though Aunt Cathy was told to keep him home however she didn't think that was fair....

 

I have seen it all. Because of the ill mannered in this society combined with dysfunctionalism in many families, I can honestly say that I know far more brides looking back who wished they had just eloped, than ones that say they really enjoyed their weddings.

 

I only just survived mine. My aunt, whom we were not told had succumbed to dementia, came to our daughter's wedding and then had a melt down which was quite an unpleasant scene causing many to leave the reception early and several family members having to fight with her to physically remove her.

 

Dh and I wanted a version of a destination wedding. 25 guests each at the chapel of my alma mater, dinner at a restaurant after, simple and no fuss. It would have eliminated lot of distress and family drama. We relented to my parents' temper tantrum about embarassing them at their church because blah blah blah blah blah...and it was a frightfully exhausting reception of 350 people with embarrassingly poor food because my parents could not afford to feed that many and dh's folks wisely said they would not contribute to such a monstrous reception. I have no a single good memory of my wedding. The only positive was that I was at last married to dh. That could have been easily accomplished for less than $1000 if my parents had listened or if we had not caved to their demands.

 

I judt got rid of all my wedding planning and decorating inventory. I did the wedding of a dear friend's daughter just three weeks ago, ran enough interference to keep the crazy away from the bride, groom, and dear friend. I am officially done. I may do banquets for local companies. Those are easy so the money is decent. Weddings end up paying out bizarrely for the time and intensity involved.

 

And agsin an awful lot of people let their kids run wild and let babies and toddlers scream for long periods so they ruin it for everyone else culminating in the rise of adult only weddings.

 

I love decorating eeddings, making them special. But the least stress is elope/destination.

[Library Momma]

I don't know that I've ever been to a wedding with many kids there.  Usually it's the flower girl and ring bearer -sometimes just a few other close relatives.  Even weddings with 200 people seem to have very few kids so I guess adults only is normal for my experience.

 

The save the date always gives a heads up as to who will be invited.  If children aren't on the save the date they won't be invited to the wedding.

[KatieJ]

I think adults only is fine, and to a point that's what we did when our kids got married.  However, if you were family and traveling ( as all of our relatives were for our kids weddings) your kids were invited.  I just couldn't ask them to travel 700 to 1,000 miles and leave kids elsewhere, or with a sitter of my choosing.  I knew I wouldn't see them if that were the case.

I did not invite all the children of the neighborhood.  There were tons of them!  Friends of my younger kids, parents were our friends, and nope, those kids stayed home.  No one had a problem with that or if they did, they didn't come to the wedding.  It was never stated to me that anyone had a problem with that decision.

[gardenmom5]

I know why. As an event planner, I can tell you the behind the scenes. Weddings bring out the evil in relatives. Period. Doubly so if there are divorces among the relatives, triple that if it is among grandparents, and quadruple the effect among parents. And it tends to end with a lot of drama during the planning that makes he brjde and groom miserable.

 

We live in a very "everything is about me society" so relatives, friends, and even acquaintances complain about every.little.thing. The general you who are not privy to the behind the scenes and just get an invite and show up have no idea that the mother and the step mother were screaming at each other five minhtes prior to the start of the ceremony, that the step sister deliberately damaged a bridesmaid dress because she was jealous of not being in the bridal party, that 30 people who never rsvp'ed showed up expecting to be fed and the venue is charging the family an extra thousand dollars on top of the agreed upon per head charge for having to call in staff at the last minute and get more food from another restaurant so they do not run short, that family members brought uninvited kids who go into the sound booth at the church, play with the equipment, and break a $500 item which is then charged to the wedding host who is quite unlimely to recover from the parents of said children, that Uncle Bob came drunk and mouthy even though Aunt Cathy was told to keep him home however she didn't think that was fair....

 

I have seen it all. Because of the ill mannered in this society combined with dysfunctionalism in many families, I can honestly say that I know far more brides looking back who wished they had just eloped, than ones that say they really enjoyed their weddings.

 

I only just survived mine. My aunt, whom we were not told had succumbed to dementia, came to our daughter's wedding and then had a melt down which was quite an unpleasant scene causing many to leave the reception early and several family members having to fight with her to physically remove her.

 

Dh and I wanted a version of a destination wedding. 25 guests each at the chapel of my alma mater, dinner at a restaurant after, simple and no fuss. It would have eliminated lot of distress and family drama. We relented to my parents' temper tantrum about embarassing them at their church because blah blah blah blah blah...and it was a frightfully exhausting reception of 350 people with embarrassingly poor food because my parents could not afford to feed that many and dh's folks wisely said they would not contribute to such a monstrous reception. I have no a single good memory of my wedding. The only positive was that I was at last married to dh. That could have been easily accomplished for less than $1000 if my parents had listened or if we had not caved to their demands.

 

I judt got rid of all my wedding planning and decorating inventory. I did the wedding of a dear friend's daughter just three weeks ago, ran enough interference to keep the crazy away from the bride, groom, and dear friend. I am officially done. I may do banquets for local companies. Those are easy so the money is decent. Weddings end up paying out bizarrely for the time and intensity involved.

 

And agsin an awful lot of people let their kids run wild and let babies and toddlers scream for long periods so they ruin it for everyone else culminating in the rise of adult only weddings.

 

I love decorating eeddings, making them special. But the least stress is elope/destination.

 

 

or the evil relatives.   some nieces/nephews were avoiding a particular person. (and when said person was insistent they could travel - they were told by the bride/groom they needed to stay home.  (said person came to hate the groom and even started demanding the bride call off the wedding.  we told the groom he passed the test and welcome to the family.)

 

the one's in asia/Europe - was because that's where the other person was from. (as opposed to avoiding people.)   my own daughter has talked about eloping to keep half the family away.

[QueenCat]

I have no issue with adult only weddings. I do think it is courteous to give guests with small children a heads up if they are not local so they can make a decision based on their needs.

 

The invitation is the heads up. If it doesn't include the kids names or "Mr and Mrs Smith and kids" than the kids are not invited. Most invitations go out well in advance of the wedding.

[FaithManor]

It is so sad, gardenmom, that you and I have dealt with and seen so many narcissists in action that we get why eloping is a necessity for so many people.

 

I don't know if narcissism is actually worse than in previous generations or if it is just more socially acceptable to be ill mannered apes at formal events so not enough social pressure to conform to minimal decency standards.