Adults-only weddings

[monstermama]

My niece is getting married next month back in our hometown.  While we don't talk regularly, we do chat occasionally, lately mostly about her wedding planning.  I was a bit taken aback when we got the invitations last week and realized the wedding was adults-only, considering that it's not the norm in our family.  We're lucky that MIL lives close enough that she can babysit, and that it looks like there's enough time between the ceremony and reception that I can run back and nurse the baby.  I know there are several other relatives (some with younger babies) that will be in the same situation, but without the built-in babysitters.

 

What do you think about adults-only weddings?  While I certainly don't think it's any of my business what her reasons are, I do wish she'd mentioned it to us before we got the invites so we could've planned better.  Do you think guests traveling from out-of-town should be given a heads-up about it through the grapevine?

[City Mouse]

Doesn't bother me. The couple can do what ever they want. I would not expect to find out that the wedding was adult only until the invitations went out. I'm not sure how this would be communicated before the invitations are sent.

 

I guess it might depend on how far in advance the invitations were sent out.

 

This actually happened to us in April. A nephew was getting married. The invitation was only addressed to my DH and myself. It did not specifically state adults only, but my kids were not included on the invitation. We could not go anyway, but a couple of weeks before, the groom's mother called to Make sure we knew that children were not included. This included older teenage children and even my young adult daughter. A relative with young children had already bought plane tickets to bring two preschoolers to the wedding. The kids were able to participate in many of the pre wedding activities, but the did not attend the wedding or reception.

 

Their wedding venue was rather small and there just was not enough room to host every relative and children.

Edited September 13, 2016 by City Mouse

[Lisa R.]

It's not what I would do, but I wouldn't be offended by it either. However, I'd also not expect the bride or her family to be offended when some invited guests can't come due to lack of babysitting or unwillingness to leave their baby or young children.

[Harriet Vane]

This thread will run a predictable course--lots of people hate adults-only weddings, and lots of people think adults-only weddings are just fine. In the long run, the people footing the bill have the right to the final say in the matter.

 

However.

 

I find it terribly sad to exclude children from the milestones in our lives. They are a part of the family, too. And I think it's really sad to contemplate the presence of children with irritation. Some children will behave better than others, and some adults will behave better than others. In the end, it should be about celebrating this major crossroads together. 

 

I also find it a real burden on young families. It can be so expensive to get a sitter. If travel is involved, it gets even more complicated and potentially expensive.

 

In my own life, children are welcome.

[heartlikealion]

I would want to know before I made travel arrangements. So you made travel arrangements based on a word of mouth date, not an invite? Or save the date invite? Or.. ?

[City Mouse]

In general I don't like this whole idea that the couple can do whatever they want. Ultimately, having a wedding is just a giant party. The vows can be made without all the dress and cake and DJ and so on. So, I think if someone wants to have a big old party, great, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't take the guests into consideration at all. Guests are at your wedding because you want them to have fun with you, not ornaments for the pictures.

But that is just it. The couple gets to decide who their guests are.

[TranquilMind]

My niece is getting married next month back in our hometown.  While we don't talk regularly, we do chat occasionally, lately mostly about her wedding planning.  I was a bit taken aback when we got the invitations last week and realized the wedding was adults-only, considering that it's not the norm in our family.  We're lucky that MIL lives close enough that she can babysit, and that it looks like there's enough time between the ceremony and reception that I can run back and nurse the baby.  I know there are several other relatives (some with younger babies) that will be in the same situation, but without the built-in babysitters.

 

What do you think about adults-only weddings?  While I certainly don't think it's any of my business what her reasons are, I do wish she'd mentioned it to us before we got the invites so we could've planned better.  Do you think guests traveling from out-of-town should be given a heads-up about it through the grapevine?

 

I think they are ridiculous, since you asked.  She and her husband are marrying to create a family, and a family normally produces children. She is inviting other family (and friends) to see her marry.  It seems very odd and non-family-like to exclude all children from a wedding.  A late reception is one thing, though the parents of young kids bail early anyway. I think this is a case of who doesn't need to be there will self-select out and unless you have a real problem child, you should invite everyone. 

 

We've never seen a single child problem that was not immediately resolved at a wedding. 

 

So while she is free to invite whom she likes, it seems rather self-involved. 

Edited September 13, 2016 by TranquilMind

[Loowit]

It is their wedding, their choice of who they want to invite.  But I do find it an odd choice, but mostly because I see weddings as a family affair not just for the bride and groom.  Not everyone sees weddings the same way, and that is fine.  I don't remember ever being invited to an adults only wedding, but we haven't had many weddings in our family since we started having kids.

 

I do think it is a kindness to let out of town guests know early on that it will be adults only.  It is not always easy to find childcare especially for those out of town.  I know for our family it would probably have meant we wouldn't be able to attend when our kids were younger.

[ktgrok]

Personally, I prefer weddings with kids. I think they are more fun, more a true celebration of family and life (because that is what a wedding is), etc. Plus, that allows those with kids and no babysitter to attend 

 

However, I'm not offended by adult only weddings. And even the kid friendly weddings I've been to lately, for DH's coworker, etc, I didn't bring the kids as these people didn't KNOW my kid. Another recent one the kids were specifically invited, and we still weren't going to bring them as it was a late night wedding, but the bride begged us too. We had to leave early. 

 

I think a night wedding, with a late reception, it makes sense not to have kids. (the buffet STARTED at 9:3opm at that one!) But I still don't like disallowing them. Meh. 

 

I got married with just my DH and I in a private chapel in Scotland, no family at all, so I probably don't get an opinion, lol. 

[AnnE-girl]

As long as the bride and groom understand that some people won't be able to attend if kids aren't included it's fine. That said, we had a bunch of kids at our wedding and I loved it. I'm almost the youngest of the sixteen cousins on my dad's side of the family so we would have inconvenienced a lot of family members had we excluded kids. One of my favorite memories of the day was all the little girl second cousins squealing that they saw "the princess" and then dancing with them at the reception. They were so sweet. Weddings are about family for us.

[City Mouse]

this falls under the heading of just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD. Just because a couple CAN decide to invite only adults, that doesn't mean they should.

I don't know. I guess I don't understand your argument, but that is okay. I don't understand why they have to invite children. In my particular situation, most of the kids in question had never even met the relative who was getting married. Even my adult daughter has not seen the relative since she was about 6 yrs old. I would probably feel differently if this was a relative that lived in the same town that we spent time with frequently.

 

At my own wedding, we did not not invite children, but no one that we knew that could attend had any kids.

[Spryte]

I think it's fine if they only want to invite adults.  It's their day.  

 

That said, I think they need to be understanding and not get upset if not everyone can attend their wedding.  My niece has not spoken to me since we did not attend her adults-only wedding.  It was on a weeknight, in a city 2 - 3 hours away (2 hours with no traffic, but of course - evening wedding means we'd be in rush hour traffic), and we could not find a sitter.  We tried.  Hard.  I knew it would turn into a Big Thing if we didn't go.  Neither she, nor her mother (my stepsister) have spoken to me since.  Niece did send a thank you card for the gift we sent - more than a year after the fact.  But that's it.  And my stepmom has been exceedingly cool (as in, polite when she *has* to see me, which she's managed to cut down to once a year - but won't even return phone calls from my kids, who only know her as their grandmother, and are heartbroken).

 

So, yeh - fine, invite only adults.  It's your day.  But if people can't get sitters, there's really no need to cut them from your lives and act offended.

[TechWife]

 

What do you think about adults-only weddings?  While I certainly don't think it's any of my business what her reasons are, I do wish she'd mentioned it to us before we got the invites so we could've planned better.  Do you think guests traveling from out-of-town should be given a heads-up about it through the grapevine?

 

Weddings with and without children as invited guests are fine. It's totally up to the people issuing the invitation. No, I don't think that people should be given a "heads-up." Wedding plans, and any party plans, often change right up to the day of the event. I don't think giving anyone a "heads-up" on such a thing should be required, as it might not even be decided until just before invitations are placed in the mail.  Besides, what if the "grapevine" is wrong? 

[Valley Girl]

The people paying for the event get to decide what type of event they wish to host, where they wish to hold it, how much they want to spend, how many people they can accommodate, and whether the event will be child-friendly or not. It's their sandbox. The guests don't get to give them grief or hold grudges about their choices.

 

The guests then get to make their decisions based on those particulars. If they don't wish to spend the time and money to attend the destination wedding... scramble to find a sitter and maybe not be able to get one... rush to drive several hours on a weeknight... or whatever, they should not feel obligated to do anything but politely decline the invitation. The hosts don't get to give the guests grief  or hold grudges about their decision either.

 

Everybody should just wish everyone well.

 

But that's my perfect world. In my dreams.

[medawyn]

I have three young children. I've missed three weddings this year, partially because of travel logistics and largely because I have three kids under four. Part of me was sad to miss them, but mostly I think it's completely up to the bride and groom.

 

I had a black tie wedding. It wasn't child appropriate and I didn't invite any. I let out of town family and friends know well in advance, and I assisted with any child care arrangements if they wished. I love my own kids, but I would totally have a no-kid wedding again.

 

I also assume it's cultural. It is common among my parents' and my own circle of friends to have no child weddings.

[monstermama]

I would want to know before I made travel arrangements. So you made travel arrangements based on a word of mouth date, not an invite? Or save the date invite? Or.. ?

 

Save the date and chatting with the bride and mother of the bride.

 

Weddings with and without children as invited guests are fine. It's totally up to the people issuing the invitation. No, I don't think that people should be given a "heads-up." Wedding plans, and any party plans, often change right up to the day of the event. I don't think giving anyone a "heads-up" on such a thing should be required, as it might not even be decided until just before invitations are placed in the mail.  Besides, what if the "grapevine" is wrong? 

 

 

It's been a long time since I've planned a wedding, but I figured the guest list would be somewhat set when they sent the save-the-dates.  I'm not sure how it could have been done tactfully, but I had talked with both the mother of the bride (my sister) and the bride since we received them, so they knew we were planning on coming before we bought the plane tickets.  It's honestly not that big a deal since we'd've all been coming out for another wedding anyway, but other relatives had talked about being excited to meet the baby at the wedding, etc.  I've been rearranging prior plans we made with the in-laws and friends so that we can spend time with those relatives outside the wedding.

[Guest]

I think it's fine if they only want to invite adults.  It's their day.  

 

That said, I think they need to be understanding and not get upset if not everyone can attend their wedding.  My niece has not spoken to me since we did not attend her adults-only wedding.  It was on a weeknight, in a city 2 - 3 hours away (2 hours with no traffic, but of course - evening wedding means we'd be in rush hour traffic), and we could not find a sitter.  We tried.  Hard.  I knew it would turn into a Big Thing if we didn't go.  Neither she, nor her mother (my stepsister) have spoken to me since.  Niece did send a thank you card for the gift we sent - more than a year after the fact.  But that's it.  And my stepmom has been exceedingly cool (as in, polite when she *has* to see me, which she's managed to cut down to once a year - but won't even return phone calls from my kids, who only know her as their grandmother, and are heartbroken).

 

So, yeh - fine, invite only adults.  It's your day.  But if people can't get sitters, there's really no need to cut them from your lives and act offended.

That's pathetic.  Honest to Pete.  

 

In this sort of situation, I wish everyone would just assume everyone else is doing the best they can.  For crying out loud.  

 

The whole wedding thing has gotten completely out of hand if you ask me.  If people focused one tenth as much on the marriage as they do on the wedding, and on love instead of ...whatever else it is that this focus is on... the world would be a better place.  

 

And as for what I think makes a great wedding:  Two established adults in our parish got married about 1.75  years ago.  They requested all gifts be monetary to the parish building fund.  I suppose they will struggle along somehow with the blenders and toasters they already possessed.  They threw a wonderful party, had all kinds of things for kids to do, and they themselves engaged with the kids in many of the activities.  They were so NOT INTO THEMSELVES that it was easily the most fun I have had at a wedding in a long time, and that is saying a lot because we have a lot of fun at our weddings.  The thing that is also very cool is that they are roundly adored in our parish, by all the youngest to the oldest, and they have an pip of a baby now who is the toast of the parish.  

[happymom4]

I try not to get overly offended by other peoples choices in general and this applies to weddings.  I feel like what kind of wedding someone wants is their choice but I also ask them not to be offended if I can't come.  An in-town wedding for adults only works well for us as a date night since we have grandparents close by who don't mind watching the kids for 2-3 hours, but an out-of-town wedding would be a problem.  My cousin who lived in a different state got married and had an adults only wedding and I had to tell him I couldn't make it.  I think it hurt his feelings but its not realistic for us to ask the grandparents to take care of four kids (one was a baby) for 2 days while we make the trip. 

 

I think the bride and groom can have their wedding how they want but they should also that understand some choices may exclude people and they need to be okay with that.

[jeremmy]

It doesn't bother me per se. But I am much more likely to not go to a wedding because it's adults-only.

 

 

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[whitestavern]

I don't get the issue with adult-only weddings. The vast majority of the weddings I've been to have been formal (and expensive) and been later afternoon into the evening affairs. They simply were not appropriate venues for kids. Dh and I had three nieces and a nephew at ours; two of those were part of the wedding party and obviously immediate family. I could see if it was an informal affair maybe but otherwise no. I wouldn't get my panties in a twist if my kids weren't invited to a wedding. I enjoy an adult only event every now and again!

 

ETA: I would never assume children would be invited to a wedding, and would never make plans for them to attend. If the invite came and they happened to be included, then I would adjust if necessary. Honestly, I would likely get a sitter anyway. Unless my kids were a bit older (which they are now) and knew the bride and groom and some other guests fairly well.

 

Just curious if this is a regional thing maybe. We live in New England, and I really can't think of any weddings I went to that had children in attendance.

Edited September 14, 2016 by whitestavern

[zoobie]

We didn't invite little kids to our wedding. We didn't know any little kids! Some woman from my parents' church brought her baby anyway and stood in there with it screaming during the ceremony. I had never met her. I'd never met her baby. It wouldn't have been sad to exclude some unknown infant from my event.

 

Anyway, adults only events aren't sad or selfish. It's the couple's choice as to whom to invite and the atmosphere they want to set. It's the guests' choice to attend or not. Being offended by an adult only invite seems selfish to me. It's not about you or your kids. It's not a personal slight. (Of course there's always someone who uses invites to be rude, such as excluding step children or what have you, and that isn't what I mean.) I think a homeschool board isn't necessarily representative of most of the population. It's likely going to skew more pro-whole-family here.

[QueenCat]

Doesn't bother me. The couple can do what ever they want. I would not expect to find out that the wedding was adult only until the invitations went out. I'm not sure how this would be communicated before the invitations are sent.

 

I guess it might depend on how far in advance the invitations were sent out.

 

This actually happened to us in April. A nephew was getting married. The invitation was only addressed to my DH and myself. It did not specifically state adults only, but my kids were not included on the invitation. We could not go anyway, but a couple of weeks before, the groom's mother called to Make sure we knew that children were not included. This included older teenage children and even my young adult daughter. A relative with young children had already bought plane tickets to bring two preschoolers to the wedding. The kids were able to participate in many of the pre wedding activities, but the did not attend the wedding or reception.

 

Their wedding venue was rather small and there just was not enough room to host every relative and children.

 

The names on the invitation is usually the clarifier but I agree, if plans need to made way in advance due to travel, a heads up would be nice.

[gardenmom5]

a month's notice is generally enough time for most people to find a babysitter.

while it is unusual in your family to have adult -only events, she doesn't have children and probably has her reasons for wanting it to be adults-only. (and how many very young babies that can't be left with a sitter are there?  realistically?  older babies can be separated from mom for a few hours, and older kids absolutely can be separated from mom.)

 

it is completely within her rights to have an adult only wedding.  if people aren't able to come because they can't find a babysitters, then there will be fewer people.

[Um_2_4]

In my circle, family weddings are the norm. Like huge 200-300 people weddings. Back home the wedding is held in the street, roped off , decorated with lavish carpets and lasts all hours. EVERYONE is invited, literally, you walk by the street you'll be invited in. I have been to several of those and those are the most fun!

 

The daughter of 1 friend here wanted a kid free wedding and well, know what, other than her immediate family, who had no small children, not many attended. A couple years later at another mutual friends wedding (with kids), she said she wished she had gone the other route. Most RSVPed regrets, so it's not like she was surprised by the low attendance, don't worry.

[gardenmom5]

I think they are selfish and I don't like them. 

 

wow.  

[gardenmom5]

In my circle, family weddings are the norm. Like huge 200-300 people weddings. Back home the wedding is held in the street, roped off , decorated with lavish carpets and lasts all hours. EVERYONE is invited, literally, you walk by the street you'll be invited in. I have been to several of those and those are the most fun!

 

The daughter of 1 friend here wanted a kid free wedding and well, know what, other than her immediate family, who had no small children, not many attended. A couple years later at another mutual friends wedding (with kids), she said she wished she had gone the other route. Most RSVPed regrets, so it's not like she was surprised by the low attendance, don't worry.

 

where is "back home"?  it's sounds like quite the shindig.

 

[6packofun]

People today can have no boundaries whatsoever about letting babies wail, kids fuss or laugh or be generally disruptive so I think it's perfectly fine for a wedding ceremony.  Not sure why kids would have to be excluded from a reception, though.  (Did the OP mention that? Sorry, tired here.  lol)  But I'm ok with people choosing how to celebrate their special day. Yes, they may want children someday, but perhaps they, even with children, would be inclined not to include young children at events they could disrupt.  As for being a guest at an adult only (meaning teen and up), we've inconvenienced ourselves for the sake of others many times and don't get bent out of shape over it too much.

[catz]

I think it's totally fine to have kid free weddings.  We invited kids of immediate and traveling family.  We did not invite most kids of friends and coworkers.  Someone brought their toddler anyway. 

 

I totally agree with the thought that if you chose to have an inconvenient wedding - whether that means travel, kid free, weird timing, etc don't be offended when people politely decline.  An invitation is not a summons. 

 

I would think it was rude if you had purchased airlines tickets for your whole family and then found out.  That info should have been included in a save the date - formal or informal.

 

My DH and DD were going to travel this fall across the country for nephew's wedding (DS has a committed activity this fall he cannot miss - got a bit of attitude about that).  They bought tickets and had rooms.  Nephew and fiance cancelled wedding after people bought airline tickets.  Almost all airline tickets are non-refundable.  They also kept their shower gifts.  I found all that a bit rude.  Ruder than not having my kids invited.  LOL.  

[Guest]

In my circle, family weddings are the norm. Like huge 200-300 people weddings. Back home the wedding is held in the street, roped off , decorated with lavish carpets and lasts all hours. EVERYONE is invited, literally, you walk by the street you'll be invited in. I have been to several of those and those are the most fun!

 

The daughter of 1 friend here wanted a kid free wedding and well, know what, other than her immediate family, who had no small children, not many attended. A couple years later at another mutual friends wedding (with kids), she said she wished she had gone the other route. Most RSVPed regrets, so it's not like she was surprised by the low attendance, don't worry.

 

This is kind of what happens in our parish.  Everyone is invited, and while there are restricted receptions for overly-large crowds (like when two priests' children marry), the reception is also by-invitation for planning, but everyone is invited.  

 

The reason is that marriage is a sacrament, and church members are not excluded from sacraments.  

[Guest]

I always figure if someone invites me and not my kids they must not really want me to come, especially if travel is involved. It's just not feasible. So I figure the invite is a heads up and possibly a gift registry grab but anyone who knows us knows I will probably have a nursing baby and therefore kid free events are kind of impossible.

 

I don't get offended, but neither can I attend with just my husband in most cases. Babysitting plus travel is an arm and a leg if my inlaws aren't available (and they're busier than us!).

 

I find it a bit of a head scratcher because I also view weddings as family events, not couples events, but offended is way overplaying my feelings on the matter. I just don't care enough to be deeply bothered!

[Seasider]

I am a bit more understanding of adult only weddings than I am of destination weddings.

 

Someone once made a great point in an older thread about the purpose of wedding ceremonies. Traditionally, celebrations of marriage are events that have spectators because those spectators serve as witnesses, and often state or imply that they will support and encourage the couple in years to come. There's a reason the clergyman asks whether anyone objects to the marriage. It's something that, traditionally, takes place within community. Nontraditional weddings break from that. Often there are reasons - an older couple, no extended family, etc. but often it's the bride (or groom, or the combo - even one of their parents) pursuing a "dream" wedding.

 

I completely understand the logistics and economy of not inviting kids to an expensive sit down dinner reception. But the prevailing self-centeredness and sense of entitlement exhibited by so many couples these days is troubling to me. In my own little corner, as my young adult children stand on the brink of marriageable age, I think about and have asked them to think, about the true purpose of a wedding celebration.

[Guest]

I think it's totally fine to have kid free weddings.  We invited kids of immediate and traveling family.  We did not invite most kids of friends and coworkers.  Someone brought their toddler anyway. 

 

I totally agree with the thought that if you chose to have an inconvenient wedding - whether that means travel, kid free, weird timing, etc don't be offended when people politely decline.  An invitation is not a summons. 

 

I would think it was rude if you had purchased airlines tickets for your whole family and then found out.  That info should have been included in a save the date - formal or informal.

 

My DH and DD were going to travel this fall across the country for nephew's wedding (DS has a committed activity this fall he cannot miss - got a bit of attitude about that).  They bought tickets and had rooms.  Nephew and fiance cancelled wedding after people bought airline tickets.  Almost all airline tickets are non-refundable.  They also kept their shower gifts.  I found all that a bit rude.  Ruder than not having my kids invited.  LOL.  

 

They ought to return the gifts.  That's just good manners.  

 

I suppose this is the same person who will be all upset when people don't pony up at a future wedding shower.  (Yes, we have had THAT thread here...)   Gift idea:  Miss Manners' Guide to Excrutiatingly Correct Behavior.  (Now I am just being snarky...)

[Murphy101]

My niece is getting married next month back in our hometown. While we don't talk regularly, we do chat occasionally, lately mostly about her wedding planning. I was a bit taken aback when we got the invitations last week and realized the wedding was adults-only, considering that it's not the norm in our family.

Respectfully, YOUR family will not be the only ones at the wedding. It could be the norm for his family. Or it could be that they simply want something different for themselves.

 

There were no children at my wedding. I think it's fair to say it was not a reflection of being anti-child on my part.

 

We had a very small formal wedding in a small church and just a simple and somewhat quick cake and punch reception afterwards. Adding children would have greatly added to our cost on a limited budget, requiring limited the invitations even further and the venue (which was chosen for family tradition and cost reasons) wouldn't have worked well either.

 

I think if you were in the wedding party, some more notice should have been given bc you can't as easily decide to just not go bc it doesn't work out for you.

 

Everyone else, I think a month's notice to find a sitter is fairly reasonable.

Edited September 14, 2016 by Murphy101

[Bluegoat]

I don't mind adults-only events at all, but I am not crazy about adults only weddings. (Which isn't to say that all kids need to be invited, it doesn't necessarily make sense to invite kids you don't know and will never see.)  Of course sometimes it happens that there are no children to be considered, but that is a bit different.

 

 I tend to object to the underlying assumption that somehow the event is about the couple and whatever they happen to want.  I don't think that is actually what a wedding is about, I even think it is kind of opposed to what a wedding is about.

 

In our church tradition, you couldn't really properly speaking exclude anyone from the church service portion, though of course mostly only invited people show up.  But anyone can come into a church service, the couple doesn't somehow own it, it isn't "their day" in that sense.  My feelings about being upset about kids being noisy at a wedding service are about the same as people who get upset at children being noisy in church.  It's not uncommon for parish members getting married to issue a general invitation to the congregation.

 

That all being said, people do what they want.  The only time I really roll my eyes is when I see people who say they really want their similar aged friends to attend, but seem not to understand that when those people are of an age to be very immersed in infant and toddler life they can't necessarily accommodate adult-only events.

[Plink]

Weddings with kids are fun.

 

Weddings without kids are relaxing.

 

No matter what you choose to do you will burden someone, whether it be added costs for including kids, or added inconvenience for excluding them - therefore, the hosts get to choose. 

 

Personally I prefer to attend informal weddings (morning) with my kids and formal ones (evening) without, but I'm happy to celebrate with the bride and groom in whatever way they choose.

Edited September 14, 2016 by Plink

[JennSnow]

Perhaps it's a cultural or regional thing?  l always assume a wedding is adults only, particularly the reception, unless otherwise advised.  Generally if there are children that are very close tot the bride and groom..siblings or their own children..they might make an appearance for a bit but almost always leave after dinner.

Perhaps some folks want a kid free wedding for the same reason I chose a kid free resort for our honeymoon..they just didn't want little kids there.

I guess I always felt it was a couple's prerogative to decide who to invite to their wedding and not really my place to say otherwise :).

 

Edited September 14, 2016 by JennSnow

[zoobie]

I don't mind adults-only events at all, but I am not crazy about adults only weddings. (Which isn't to say that all kids need to be invited, it doesn't necessarily make sense to invite kids you don't know and will never see.) Of course sometimes it happens that there are no children to be considered, but that is a bit different.

 

I tend to object to the underlying assumption that somehow the event is about the couple and whatever they happen to want. I don't think that is actually what a wedding is about, I even think it is kind of opposed to what a wedding is about.

 

In our church tradition, you couldn't really properly speaking exclude anyone from the church service portion, though of course mostly only invited people show up. But anyone can come into a church service, the couple doesn't somehow own it, it isn't "their day" in that sense. My feelings about being upset about kids being noisy at a wedding service are about the same as people who get upset at children being noisy in church. It's not uncommon for parish members getting married to issue a general invitation to the congregation.

 

That all being said, people do what they want. The only time I really roll my eyes is when I see people who say they really want their similar aged friends to attend, but seem not to understand that when those people are of an age to be very immersed in infant and toddler life they can't necessarily accommodate adult-only events.

I talked about a baby crying. We paid for the use of the church. The woman was on my parents' invite list. I addressed the invitations, and it wasn't sent to the whole family. We did invite some older kids, maybe 10 was the youngest? But rude lady's crying baby? Nope. Also not part of their church culture for non-invited church members to randomly appear at weddings. ;)

[Murphy101]

Proviso:

 

I was not roman Catholic when I married.

 

A wedding within the RCC is a public sacrament that includes Mass. It is not possible to exclude anyone from attending any mass. Hobos off the street can show up. It's in the sanctuary and it's mass. Any Catholic may participate in the Eucharist and anyone, Catholic or not, can walk in at any time. And if they bring kids, well they are welcome too.

 

However, events outside the sacrament/mass, those are private and restricting anyone is up to the couple.

Edited September 14, 2016 by Murphy101

[Bluegoat]

I talked about a baby crying. We paid for the use of the church. The woman was on my parents' invite list. I addressed the invitations, and it wasn't sent to the whole family. We did invite some older kids, maybe 10 was the youngest? But rude lady's crying baby? Nope. Also not part of their church culture for non-invited church members to randomly appear at weddings. ;)

 

Maybe not part of their church culture, but that says something about what that church thinks weddings are about. 

[TechWife]

Save the date and chatting with the bride and mother of the bride.

 

 

 

It's been a long time since I've planned a wedding, but I figured the guest list would be somewhat set when they sent the save-the-dates. I'm not sure how it could have been done tactfully, but I had talked with both the mother of the bride (my sister) and the bride since we received them, so they knew we were planning on coming before we bought the plane tickets. It's honestly not that big a deal since we'd've all been coming out for another wedding anyway, but other relatives had talked about being excited to meet the baby at the wedding, etc. I've been rearranging prior plans we made with the in-laws and friends so that we can spend time with those relatives outside the wedding.

Interesting. "Save the Date" wasn't around when I married. Now I'm attending the weddings of my friends' children. I've been to several and none of them have sent these notices. I wouldn't expect to get one.

 

ETA: Did the "Save the Date" card have your children's names included? If not, then that would be a cue for me.

Edited September 14, 2016 by TechWife

[Murphy101]

I haven't been to a wedding in years. Hardly anyone seems to get married anymore. They just live together until they decide not to.

 

Wedding or not though, I would never presume an invitation addressed only to myself and dh included any of our kids of any ages. I would presume it was intended for exactly and only for who it was written to and might call to ask if kids were okay or not just to be sure.

[Bluegoat]

I am a bit more understanding of adult only weddings than I am of destination weddings.

 

Someone once made a great point in an older thread about the purpose of wedding ceremonies. Traditionally, celebrations of marriage are events that have spectators because those spectators serve as witnesses, and often state or imply that they will support and encourage the couple in years to come. There's a reason the clergyman asks whether anyone objects to the marriage. It's something that, traditionally, takes place within community. Nontraditional weddings break from that. Often there are reasons - an older couple, no extended family, etc. but often it's the bride (or groom, or the combo - even one of their parents) pursuing a "dream" wedding.

 

I completely understand the logistics and economy of not inviting kids to an expensive sit down dinner reception. But the prevailing self-centeredness and sense of entitlement exhibited by so many couples these days is troubling to me. In my own little corner, as my young adult children stand on the brink of marriageable age, I think about and have asked them to think, about the true purpose of a wedding celebration.

 

Yes, this.

 

THough, a lot of the people I know who have had destination weddings specifically wanted to get away from some kind of family issue, and often with good reason.

[HomeAgain]

I think it's juvenile. It's something that people who don't have kids do.  Yes, they get to invite whomever they like, but it's a bit tacky to include half of a family and tell the other ones to suck it.  It shows their young age, the lack of being gracious and understanding of a family dynamic.

 

I think a wedding should be a celebration. Instead, young couples are presented with the idea that it should be a show, with a choreographer and everything. 

 

 

All that said, whether I would choose to take my children to a wedding where they were invited, but might not have fun, is up to me.  We have done many where we have stayed only for the obligatory parts and then left to take the kids somewhere else (or home to bed).

[catz]

Interesting. "Save the Date" wasn't around when I married. Now I'm attending the weddings of my friends' children. I've been to several and none of them have sent these notices. I wouldn't expect to get one.

 

I kind of feel like years ago "save the date" was all done word of mouth mostly for relatives and closer friends that might consider traveling and might need more notice.  I think in some cases depending on the size and formality of a wedding it still can be.  I've had a wedding date facebook messaged and e-mailed to me well before receiving a formal invitation.  I remember being excited as a kid about weddings we were going to for a long time before we'd get a formal invitation.

 

I've never gotten a save the date for a local wedding.  Just for larger out of town weddings where it is helpful to have some advance notice for travel.

[BarbecueMom]

We don't bring our kids to weddings anymore, even if they are invited. If it's too far or no sitter, we decline.

 

I dislike weddings, anyway. Wish we'd eloped and not told anyone.

[Guest]

We don't bring our kids to weddings anymore, even if they are invited. If it's too far or no sitter, we decline.

 

I dislike weddings, anyway. Wish we'd eloped and not told anyone.

 

Isn't it funny, how the responses are all over the board?  Without meaning to be critical in any way, I would have my wedding every weekend for the rest of my life if I could.  It was a blast.  Simple and cheap but just a ton of fun.  But, really, I do understand the "elope" thing...and I think in this day and age, that would be tempting, because wedding madness has completely taken over.  :0)

[Murphy101]

I find it interesting that the couple is viewed as selfish but all the people expecting everyone else to accommodate their kids, often at considerable expense, never seem to consider how selfish *that* is.

 

ETA:

 

Being a mother of 10.8, personally, I hope all my children grow up and have RCC weddings. If they choose not to include kids in the after party events, well bummer, but okay.

Edited September 14, 2016 by Murphy101

[Bluegoat]

I find it interesting that the couple is viewed as selfish but all the people expecting everyone else to accommodate their kids, often at considerable expense, never seem to consider how selfish *that* is.

 

ETA:

 

Being a mother of 10.8, personally, I hope all my children grow up and have RCC weddings. If they choose not to include kids in the after party events, well bummer, but okay.

 

I think it's because it is so often framed in terms of the wedding being all about the couple and their special day, paired with a lot of the wider cultural/consumerist expectations about weddings.  So often there seems to be an emphasis on putting on a good show that meets some kind of vision from a magazine or reality tv show.

[zoobie]

Maybe not part of their church culture, but that says something about what that church thinks weddings are about.

I don't understand. Is that a stab at my parents' church? The event was private. We rented the facility. We paid the minister. It wasn't during a church service. That's pretty standard Protestant operating procedure AFAIK. I don't think it says anything about a church to expect that only invited guests attend a private event.

 

She was rude for not taking the crying baby out regardless of whether the baby had been invited. It wasn't even someone with close ties to us who would be heartbroken to miss something. It was exceedingly strange, even to my parents. (None of their friends from church who didn't know us personally brought or sent gifts. I have no idea why they even came given no connection to us whatsoever. I guess they just like cake? Anyway, it was out of my control and yet another reason why we should've just eloped!)

[frogger]

I don't understand the being offended thing. If someone in my family wanted an adults only party then that would be fine. I don't know if I would go or not. It would depend on the circumstances like how close I was to them and how much trouble it was.

 

But in reality I don't understand the concept. To me it is almost unfathomable. To me a wedding is a joining of two people who will now share family. They are family and even community.  Every child, every elderly person, every problem, every celebration we now get to share. I just have a hard time wrapping my mind around the concept. The wedding isn't so much about the couple as the family. Now the honeymoon is of course a different matter. :)  I'm not against adults only stuff but I honestly never heard of an adults only wedding and though I'm all for people doing whatever they want the thought of weddings without children sounds sad.