s/o Did your parents teach you about relationships and how to find and maintain a good one?

[Pen]

This is a spinoff from the s@x thread(s). If your parents did teach you about relationships, how? and how did it help (or not)? How are you handling this with your dc?

[Faithr]

Not really, but they modeled how to be true and faithful and work through problems.  My mom did say to me that guys have to earn trust, so don't just hand it to them.  A decent man knows he must prove himself worthy!  

 

And finally my dad said kindness and a sense of humor are the keys to a happy life together.  

[zoobie]

No, but I'm not sure how one would do that.

[Anne in CA]

Any relationship advice given to ANYONE by my parents (either one) should be ignored or at the very least reversed.

[MEmama]

Nope, never.

 

My dad did once tell us in no uncertain terms if we ever got divorced he would disown us. Of course that didn't happen when my sister divorced. He was so glad to get that boy-man out of the family.

 

We do talk about it casually with DS. Like if relationship in a movie or on a show is clearly toxic or imbalanced, we'll mention it. We model a healthy relationship by being us. He sees us be kind and respectful to each other, we thank each other all the time for little things, we are genuinely excited to spend time together. I expect it's a subject that will come up more frequently in a few more years when he and his friends get interesting in dating.

[tm919]

Sort of, but it didn't really work for me.... e.g., My mom told me to marry someone who treated his sister well, because that's how he would be treating me in 5 years... then I married an only child.

[SKL]

By modeling and various chats.  My parents are still together (55 years so far) so there is that.

 

Not sure how well it worked, though, considering that I'm single ....  Though I've always been able to live and work with challenging people.  My folks have 6 kids - 3 married and not divorced (so far) - 3 never married.

 

My kids are growing up in a single-parent family, so they will have to learn by a different method.

[saw]

They never discussed it and I wish they had! After my divorce I found out that my dad had always had some doubts about x-DH. I wish he had mentioned his concerns earlier. 

[myfunnybunch]

No.

 

I wish they had. I was kind of left try to figure things out on my own, criticized for my choices, and I certainly wasn't given any kind of model for what a healthy functional relationship ought to look like.

[MinivanMom]

No, but I learned an awful lot by watching my mother's mistakes. If she had ever given me advice, then I would probably have done the reverse.

 

As a teen, I spent a lot more time than normal pondering the importance of making wise relationship choices. I spent a lot of time observing and listening to those who (I felt) set a good example in that regard. I don't think I would ever have been so interested in the topic or given it so much thought if it had not been for watching my mother's poor example.

[Crimson Wife]

My parents and I got into a fight my junior year of college because they felt I was "too young" to get engaged. I was told that I should "enjoy my youth" by dating lots of different guys. I absolutely lost it on them and told them I couldn't believe they were encouraging promiscuity in the era of AIDS (this was in the '90's before really effective HIV medications). Yeah, that wasn't one of the better moments in our relationship...

[marbel]

They never discussed it and I wish they had! After my divorce I found out that my dad had always had some doubts about x-DH. I wish he had mentioned his concerns earlier. 

 

This is the same for me!   I married stupidly the first time 'round.  (Now on the second and planning on it being my last.)  They had just felt it wasn't their place to advise me.  Ugh.

 

My husband and I have both been divorced; no kids from either first marriage.  We do talk to our kids about choosing a partner.  Sometimes it comes in the form of discussion of a news story, or some experience we've had, or something from a movie... stuff just comes up naturally. We've told them, for example, to be very, very careful of needy people who want to be serious very quickly.  In talking about Valentine's Day, we've tried to model what we consider appropriate gifts or ways of marking the day, and talk about our first Valentine's Day together, having fun in the waiting area of a restaurant, watching the couples who were there waiting, and being able to tell which women were unimpressed with the place, and/or with their date for making a reservation at a bad time, or not making one at all.   (It wasn't a super elegant place but man was the food good!)

 

I remember an experience when I was pg with my 2nd. We were in a pizza parlor, and watched a boy walk in with a girl a few paces behind him.  They went to the video game area, and the entire time we were there, she stood behind him, silently watching him play.  I remember saying to my husband "if this baby is a girl (she was), I will do everything I can to be sure she is never doing that."    (Of course for all I know the girl was perfectly happy just watching him, or... who knows what. So yeah, I made a snap judgement with no information except what I saw.  But I don't care. It was a jarring sight to me.)

[Miss Peregrine]

No, not at all.

 

I don't blame my parents - long moved past a need for them to have been perfect parents - but boy do I wish they had 1. given me some explicit advice on this topic and 2. not actively undermined my self esteem as a teen. Young adults who feel they are weird, unlikable, unlovable etc do not make good relationship decisions.

 

Oh well. I can't say I'm doing any better on 1, frankly. (Though I try pretty hard to avoid 2).

 

Surely there's a book out there ?!

Same.

[Lawyer&Mom]

How could my parents teach me what they didn't know?

[LMD]

Hahaha...

Yes, in the form of what NOT to do!

My mum does love to give relationship advice for some bewildering reason. 4 divorces and a string of damaged and broken relationships in her wake don't dampen her enthusiasm!

[Mothersweets]

Not at all!

 

My mother passed away when I was 14 and so it was just my dad trying to cope with two teenage daughters (my sister was 17) and he had no idea of what to do with us. As a result, I married WAY too young and without any understanding of how to choose a spouse/compatibility/etc. that would truly be a good match. The ensuing years have been such a struggle.

 

I've talked somewhat with my kids about what to look for in a potential spouse but I realize I need to step it up and make more of a point of it. I don't want them to make the same mistakes I've made. :( The person  you choose to marry is probably the most important decision you'll ever make.

Edited February 29, 2016 by Mothersweets

[Reefgazer]

No, they didn't give advice on relationships in the form of talking or books.  But they did model a healthy relationship and how to be a good husband or wife to a spouse.  I think the best teaching on that is by good example, anyway.  I doubt it could be effectively taught any other way.

Edited February 29, 2016 by reefgazer

[Rosie_0801]

Not much.

 

Don't marry a scrooge.  (Good advice.)

People will turn out like their same sex parent. (My life would be much better if I hadn't believed this.)

[Rebel Yell]

No, mine did not.

[Minerva]

Just yesterday I had a long conversation with my kids about this very subject. It came up because I have been watching the movie, Meet the Patels, on Netflix. It is a comedy/documentary about a man who has grown up in America, and while he is very American, he asks his more traditional, lovely, funny, thoughtful, Indian parents to help find him a match. There is rich material in this documentary for starting a conversation about what makes a good long term commitment. 

 

The only relationship advice my own father gave me was to live with the person I am going to marry for at least a year before I marry them and not to get married until I am thirty two. Why thirty-two? I have no idea. I promptly got married (nineteen) after living with my boyfriend for about three months. Oops! Should have listened to Dad. The second time around I took his advice and did a much better job. 

[Arcadia]

Nothing but I am extremely headstrong so I don't think my parents want to rock the boat.

 

However I do have

- an uncle who's wife abandoned him and their child

- an uncle who had a friendly divorce and his ex-wife is still on good terms with everyone post divorce. They just can't be under the same roof.

- a cousin who abandoned his wife and kids for the other woman

- a late uncle who was a wife beater, alcoholic and womaniser.

 

I am still on good terms with my ex-bfs so I guess I didn't do too badly.

[Liz CA]

My parents and I got into a fight my junior year of college because they felt I was "too young" to get engaged. I was told that I should "enjoy my youth" by dating lots of different guys. I absolutely lost it on them and told them I couldn't believe they were encouraging promiscuity in the era of AIDS (this was in the '90's before really effective HIV medications). Yeah, that wasn't one of the better moments in our relationship...

 

Perhaps they meant dating lots of different people but not promiscuity. I think dating different people can be a good thing. That way you find what you can live with or what not.

[gardenmom5]

My mother didn't know what a healthy relationship was. DH and I talk to them about what it looks like and what to look for in a mate. Bottom line is they should be a better person with a significant other than not.

[The Girls' Mom]

Nope.  Not unless you count modeling what not to do.  Thankfully I fell for a guy that had some very good examples of healthy relationships in his life.  We still have our problems, but nothing compared to what I grew up around.

 

ETA: for my kids, again, we talk A LOT.  My oldest is wading through her first relationship now (and not without her own struggles) but we talk about it a lot, and what is healthy.  She has really picked a good guy though, and for that I'm thankful.  He may not be who she ends up with permanently, but he has been a good first real boyfriend.  

 

Edited February 29, 2016 by The Girls' Mom

[Mom22ns]

Another no.

My parents stayed married until they died. I could look at their marriage as relationship advice, but other than it's longevity,  it wasn't what I wanted. The thing I got from my parents was find something that works for you and go with it. They did. I have. I don't think our relationships look a lot alike, but they both worked.

[Chris in VA]

No, they modeled it, though. They are very human, but they model forgiveness and commitment, and enjoy each other. As they've aged, my dad helps my mom more than he used to.

 

My husband and I are the only source for relationship advice (explicitly) for my dd that goes along with our faith. No one else talks about it in the context of our faith, and no adults talk about it at all, so we (esp me) let her know exactly what we think. We listen to her ideas, too.

Currently, we are working on the lying thing--if he lies to us, he'll lie to her.

 

 

[Crimson Wife]

Perhaps they meant dating lots of different people but not promiscuity. I think dating different people can be a good thing. That way you find what you can live with or what not.

No, they are of the Baby Boom generation and liberals so they actually DID mean "sowing my wild oats". They are convinced that a couple where neither spouse has ever slept with anyone else is going to eventually lead to one or the other of us having an affair and divorcing.

 

It has not been my observation that dating lots of different people is protective against adultery. Cheaters are going to cheat, regardless of how many or few people they slept with prior to the marriage.

[EMS83]

No, no they did not.  Not in a nitty gritty sort of way.  I got a few one liners, but that's about it.  

[TrixieB]

No.  My sibs and I all learned by trial and error.  Some trials lasted longer than others, but I think we have all managed to land in relatively healthy relationships.

[73349]

Looking at their qualifications, I wouldn't have listened to a word they said. (They are divorced not only from each other, but also from their respective second spouses.)

[regentrude]

No explicit teaching - but they modeled a healthy relationship.That goes a much longer way than lectures. They have been married for 49 years and still enjoy spending time and doing things together.

 

With my own kids, I think that being  good role models is the best thing we can do for them. They observe us interacting daily, solving conflicts, working as a team, sharing experiences as best friends, and maintaining personality and life outside the relationship as well.

 

We may point out, and talk about, dysfunctional relationships when we come across them in the media. Not so much occasion in real life - our friends and family are in healthy, functional relationships as well.

Edited March 1, 2016 by regentrude

[Garga]

There's not a whole lot I remember my parents deliberately teaching me. Maybe they were just super subtle about it and I didn't realize they were teaching me things?

 

Well, my dad certainly didn't teach me a thing. We had our first dinner alone together 2 years ago when I was 41. He and I just seriously never, ever talked alone before then. Ever. We only talked if it was a group with my mother around. I think he's on the spectrum, or has anxiety issues, or social issues. Don't know, but he was incapable of talking to me about anything at all, so I give him a free pass. It was miserable as a kid to have a dad who didn't talk to me, but as an adult, I understand his limitations.

 

My mom is the playful youngest child of a family of 5. She's never been very adult about things. She's a ton of fun, but not really the sort to want to have a serious conversation. She likes to joke around.

 

She did sit and listen to me talk for hours when my dad worked the night shift. We'd sit and eat soup and talk and talk and talk. I don't remember ever talking about what to look for in a spouse or sex or about anything serious, but maybe she was somehow subtly teaching me things? I just don't know. I don't remember having particularly deep conversations. I mostly remember them being rather gossipy.

 

They didn't talk about sex, they didn't talk about relationships, they didn't help me with school work, they didn't talk me through problems with my friendships...they just joked around a lot. They were fun and somewhere along the line I learned things, but not explicitly from them, unless they used subtle ninja techniques that went over my head.

Edited March 1, 2016 by Garga

[lailasmum]

No, my parents got married late by the norms of their time and were pretty happy for their twenty ish year marriage until my dad died. They just complimented each other well and it worked. I think maybe they took it for granted so were pretty uninvolved in anything like our relationships. Getting advice of any sort from my mum is always hard.

[creekland]

Nothing here except what not to do.  My parents never had a good relationship that I remember and they divorced when I was 11 putting my sister and I in the middle of their fighting for years.

 

I lucked out finding hubby to be honest.  I didn't like him at all at first, but he was persistent (and had spending money to go out), and by going out together we found we had a ton in common.  We dated from Jan - May, got engaged in May, married in Aug, and have been happily married for 27+ years now with absolutely no regrets.  We literally enjoy being with each other, both then and now.

 

I guess we've modeled things for our kids, but we've also suggested they make sure they enjoy doing things with their future spouses and beware of mismatches they "put up with" while dating as that sort of love/lust will wear off.  Genuinely enjoying what you do as a couple, to us, seems to be a good key.

 

I can't fathom ever getting married again if hubby were to pass away.  No one could fill his spot.  

[Misha]

Ha ha!! No. Definitely no. 

My mom divorced my bio dad shortly after I was born (I don't know him very well), and married my step-dad when I was six. They have never struck me as happy. I love my step-dad; we have an awesome relationship. 

 

I married young and divorced less than six months later. Then I waited until I was 31 before getting married again. My DH's parents are divorced also. Neither of us grew up with healthy relationships on display; we had to play it by ear. It's important to us to be in a healthy relationship, for our own sake as well as well as what we're showing our children. 

 

The only thing I ever recall my mother telling me about sex was "Don't get pregnant or I'll make you have an abortion so fast your head will spin". That was it. 

 

I learned a lot - about what kind of parent and wife I didn't want to be. In a strange way, I'm thankful for my upbringing because it taught me what is important in my life, and my relationships with my husband and children are at the top of that short list. 

 

 

Edited to correct spelling. 

Edited March 1, 2016 by Misha

[Annie G]

Mine didn't make much of an attempt.  Since there was little effort, when they did make an effort and failed, all it did was convince me that *I* knew more than they did. You know, typical teen overconfidence.

 

 So when I'd date a guy, my parents would pretty quickly form an opinion and let me know. Almost every single time they were wrong. The ones they thought were 'good boys' were ones I skinny dipped with or who bought beer when they were too young. The ones they hated were generally much better but because my folks didn't like them, those relationships didn't last.  (If they didn't like them, I could only go out one night a week or less. If they liked the boy, I had a lot more freedom)

 

My folks got married when Mom got pregnant at age 16, back in 1952. They stayed married more than 60 years so that was a great model, but they just sucked at communicating. And parenting in general. 

[AnnE-girl]

I don't remember my parents ever saying anything in particular, but I feel like they gave me a good, positive example for the most part. They genuinely seemed to enjoy each other's company, made grocery shopping together a "date," and still held hands walking on the beach when I was a teenager. I knew that I wanted to marry someone who looked at me the same way my dad looked at my mom.

 

I didn't date much before my husband, (who they liked and wanted me to date even when we were just friends and he was engaged to his high school sweetheart), but my siblings dated a few questionable choices. My parents were always polite and welcoming, but definitely not as warm to the boyfriends and girlfriends they didn't like as much. I'm not sure if they would have said something if those relationships had gotten too serious or were just really relieved when they ended.

 

I think I've mentioned it on other threads, but I do think we'll talk to our kids about not getting too serious at too early of an age. DH feels like he missed out on a full college experience because he went home so many weekends to see his girlfriend. And not many people should marry the person they thought was really cool when they were 16.

[GAPeachie]

Nothing.  I watched two marriages happen very quickly.  The first one (which was really my mother's second) ended before they hit the one year mark. 

 

I saw lots of men come and go.  

 

My mother and step dad met in August and were quickly engaged with a January marriage.  She married an alcoholic she thought she could change.  Turns out, that doesn't work.  

 

My first marriage was to a... you guessed it.. alcoholic.  We lasted less than a year.  He was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive.  I didn't see an issue until I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter.  

 

12 years later my "parents" divorced.  She told me on Christmas Day.  Gee thanks, mom.  

 

After the divorce, she tried to give me marriage advice and I quite curtly told her that I don't take marriage advice from people that are chronically married and divorced.  She kept us at a restaurant for a ridiculously long time after I made that comment.  From then on, anytime we went to lunch or dinner, I drove separately.  

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by GAPeachie

[mamiof5]

Not at all, and how I wish someone did. I come from a single mom family, no good male examples whatsoever (if any I had bad male examples). My dh and I try hard. We want our kids to understand the importance of the Sacrament of Matrimony, and how God calls spouses to love each other.

[Barb_]

No. I am trying to do better with my kids. The older girls and I talk about it quite a bit, actually. I'm thrilled with the partners my older three have chosen. Don't know if the younger two are going to stick, but they are really nice couples.

[LisaKinVA]

Nothing directly, although they did drag me to Bill Gothard as a teen, which I know made an impression.  My husband went too.

 

My husband and I do not have anything like either of our parent's relationships (a HUGE win).

 

I've taken an active roll in guiding my older teen children through the relationship maze.  We started with Finding the Love of Your Life, but there are other things we're doing.  So far, it hasn't been a huge issue here.

 

DS is interested in a girl (and I know her parents), so I'm guiding him based upon helping him put his best foot forward with the girl and her family.  My goal with my kids has always been to have a relationship with them where they trusted me enough to talk about these things -- because relationship issues are on-going.  I want to be there for them before (talking about what to look for/what to avoid), at through every part of the journey.  

[Carrie12345]

My mother modeled strength, independence, resourcefulness, and as much grace as she could muster.  I developed my own thoughts on relationships and maintained the values I absorbed through the crummy ones and the good ones.

[SparklyUnicorn]

No not really, but my parents had a good relationship and seeing that probably helped.  One thing I did much differently is to not marry so young.  That is something they said they regretted a great deal.

 

 

[DawnM]

Yes.

 

 

 

1. Find a man who loves the Lord and wants to raise his family to love the Lord

2. Find a man who treats his family/mother/others with kindness

3. Find a man who has a stable job and believes in hard work

 

I am sure there was more but that is what I can think of at the moment.

 

 

 

[lllll]

nm

Edited March 7, 2016 by _ oq?"

[DesertBlossom]

My dad's advice was to take your time finding the right person, but when you did find him/her then don't delay getting married.

 

I don't remember my parents saying anything else besides that. Their marriage was a good example. However, I've learned as an adult that their marriage wasn't always as rosy as it seemed. My dad is a good man, but he's stubborn and ornery and didn't allow my mom as much say in the decision-making as he should have. My mother was a saint and she was kind and forgiving. When I find myself being stubborn and ornery like my dad I try to channel my mother's kindness and patience. It goes a long way in a marriage.

[JustEm]

My parents modelled what a healthy and loving relationship was. They also lovingly accepted my boyfriends into family events and always spoke of them respectfully, even the real jerks. This forced me to really evaluate my relationships. Since their relationship was what I wanted to