Is life always harder for the oldest child?

[J-rap]

I'm not talking about as children, but as they get to be independent adults.  It seems like most oldest children that I know as adults have a harder time in life in general.  I know this fits the stereotypical view of the oldest child, but I find it really to be true, generally.  When I mean a harder time, I mean they are more apt to struggle with a variety of things such as:  perfectionism; higher self-expectations that they can't meet resulting in disappointments; a tendency to look at the glass half-empty rather than half-full (so more pessimistic); not able to "go with the flow" as easily; and more.   I see this even in my own oldest, not in all of the above, but I do notice that he tends to be more of a realist and sometimes pessimist, whereas the others are much more free-spirited and positive!  I feel badly for oldest children who have to be the trial first child of new parents.

 

I was the youngest in my own family, so naturally I don't struggle with any of that.  :)

 

 

Edited December 1, 2015 by J-rap

[SparklyUnicorn]

I was the first born.  I am definitely pessimistic.  I did feel as if more pressure was put on me.  This wasn't always a bad thing though.  I was driven to accomplish my goals more so than my younger sister.  And that is still true.  But to be fair she has some health issues that make it harder for her.

 

I am definitely harder on my firstborn.  Geesh I try not to be, but I admit I have so much hope for him.  I think he has a lot of potential.  And everything I do with him is new and unknown.  With the second, I'm more relaxed because I know stuff generally works out. 

[The Girls' Mom]

I don't think so.  

 

My dad and I are both oldest children.  In general, we cope much better with life than our siblings.  

 

My oldest is the most carefree of my three.  She also tends to act younger than the other two.  

 

I think its a crap-shoot, honestly.  

[Tess in the Burbs]

not my experience.  

[Tap]

Nope, not in my experience.

 

 

DS21 is very easy going, very positive and fully enjoys his life.

DD17 is much more particular about her world and her expectations.

 

My oldest sister definitely has rose colored glasses.  She doesn't really think things thorough and makes lots of stupid decisions due to that.

[Spryte]

I don't think so. I think it's a personality thing.

[regentrude]

not my experience.

DH and I are both firstborns. While we are certainly perfectionists and have high self expectations, we are doing pretty well meeting these expectations and are generally optimistic and content.

The same is true for many of my friends who are firstborns as well.

[Arcadia]

My extended family, four generations totaling more than 90 people, tend to be perfectionist and generally optimistic regardless of birth order :lol:

 

I have life easy as the oldest. No older sibling to live up to, no worries about money and no expectations on my kids either since they are the oldest grandkids. My parents also expected me to not have to work. My youngest is my optimistic whiner. It is personality rather than birth order.

 

Some parents heap more responsibility and higher expectations on their firstborn. That is where the nature vs nurture effect comes in. My in laws expect more from my hubby who is the youngest.

[Pawz4me]

That doesn't fit my experience.  Not with myself (youngest of two), DH (middle of three) or our kids and nieces/nephews.  I'm not convinced birth order has much, if anything, to do with personality.

[Ellie]

Huh.

 

Speaking as the oldest child, I would say no.

 

Firstborns sometimes take themselves way too seriously, lol, but I couldn't say that life is always hardest for them.

[MomtoCandJ]

Not in my experience... Actually in my family's case the middle child (I'm the oldest out 3, I have 2 younger brothers) is having the most difficulty but he also has learning differences and he is raising 3 children on his own that has varying degrees of special needs and learning differences.

I'm more go with flow (and have ADD) and my youngest brother is more uptight (and is most likely OCD)

Edited December 1, 2015 by MomtoCandJ

[mom2scouts]

Huh? The oldest children I know, including my own, are all doing really well in every area of life. From my experience, it's middle children who have the hardest time and it's also very much related to personality. 

[Peaceful Isle]

Huh.

 

Speaking as the oldest child, I would say no.

 

Firstborns sometimes take themselves way too seriously, lol, but I couldn't say that life is always hardest for them.

Lol. Yup.

[freesia]

In my family and dh's the last born have had the hardest journeys. But, dh and I--both firstborns-- do take life a bit too seriously and have to remind each other to lighten up at times.

Edited December 1, 2015 by freesia

[lispy]

Based on myself and my (only) sibling (both now in our 40's), that is not the case. (younger sib struggles with depression and has had various types of struggles a good bit in life (vocationally and socially).

Dh is an only, so can't really comment on him.

Mother is oldest, and I'd say she is probably the "best off" of the three of those kids (all with issues, but I think she fared the best).

Dad is youngest of 2, and he's probably the better off of the two of them.

I can't think of anyone else I could comment on.

 

[TranquilMind]

I'm not talking about as children, but as they get to be independent adults.  It seems like most oldest children that I know as adults have a harder time in life in general.  I know this fits the stereotypical view of the oldest child, but I find it really to be true, generally.  When I mean a harder time, I mean they are more apt to struggle with a variety of things such as:  perfectionism; higher self-expectations that they can't meet resulting in disappointments; a tendency to look at the glass half-empty rather than half-full (so more pessimistic); not able to "go with the flow" as easily; and more.   I see this even in my own oldest, not in all of the above, but I do notice that he tends to be more of a realist and sometimes pessimist, whereas the others are much more free-spirited and positive!  I feel badly for oldest children who have to be the trial first child of new parents.

 

I was the youngest in my own family, so naturally I don't struggle with any of that.  :)

I don't know. My oldest is not like that.  We are all optimists.

 

I'm in the weird position of having been every birth order role.  I'm technically a middle, but I am the oldest of a second set by over a decade, so that makes me functionally an "oldest".  I identify as an oldest and now have no younger ones. 

 

Now literally, I am the youngest, since some others have died. 

 

So if I give a lot of "big-sister" type advice, at times, it is understandable.  I do have a much younger friend who appreciates it.  An outlet! 

 

My mom did always say that your first child is your "practice" child and you make a lot of mistakes and then loosen up on the later ones.  I found that to be true both in family of origin and my own now. 

[J-rap]

Well, that's interesting.  Maybe the oldest child theory is a crap-shot afterall!  It did make sense to me though ...  the oldest child being the one who the new parents were first figuring out parenting with, and possibly had higher expectations of (until they learned to lighten up!).  In my experience, the oldest children I know are also more concerned about being responsible and making correct decisions.  Second born children I know tend to be the opposite in many ways -- super free-spirited and willing to take risks.  Then the third child kind of swings around again and is a mix between the two.  :)   Fun to hear about everyone's different experiences though.

 

I will say that the patterns I've observed didn't really take effect until the oldest children were older -- mid-20's or older.

 

 

Edited December 1, 2015 by J-rap

[Reefgazer]

I actually think the middle usually has it roughest.  They just are sandwiched in and don't fit in anywhere, LOL!

Edited December 2, 2015 by reefgazer

[Word Nerd]

That isn't true in my experience.

[Guest]

Not true here.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't understand the question.  We all have different circumstances in our lives.  A younger child in the lineup could get a debilitating disease that makes life harder.  An older child in the lineup could land a financial windfall.  Or not.  If you mean, are older children less resilient and able to handle the circumstances that come up, that's personality and choices. 

[Pawz4me]

I actually, I think the middle usually has it roughest.  They just are sandwiched in and don't fit in anywhere, LOL!

 

My DH is a middle child.  His mother apologizes to him about once a year for neglecting him as a child.  She says BIL (her oldest) was such a handful and then SIL came along four years behind DH and needed her attention, so she feels DH got left out on attention.  He doesn't remember it that way at all.  But he's a quiet introvert and his siblings definitely aren't.  He remembers being happy to be left alone to pursue his solitary activities. ;)

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 14, 2015 by ^ 022

[myfunnybunch]

I've never heard of the oldest child having more difficulty in life than the others. I'm the oldest, and am the most optimistic of my siblings, and I have made some pretty good choices in my life. (And some bad ones, but no more than most others I know.)

 

I have always found the idea of the eldest as some kind of "practice child" off-putting. Sure, parents have less experience, and learn new things from/with that child, but the idea that the "real" parenting doesn't begin until subsequent children is distasteful to me. I may not have been as experienced with my first child, but I do believe that I have been as responsive and thoughtful in my parenting with the oldest as I have been with the youngest. (This isn't really directed at the OP, btw, just a general comment on the idea, since I've heard or read it in many different arenas.)

[J-rap]

No, I don't mean as a result of circumstances.  Those clearly will differ of course.  I just mean general ways of looking at the world or even handling circumstances even if the circumstances for all of them are the same.  And I don't mean less resilient when I say having a harder time.  I find that my firstborn and the others I know are very resilient.  But they are maybe more thoughtful and affected (emotionally) by things, rather than just having a c'est la vie attitude.

 

I thought this article was interesting:

 

http://www.parents.com/baby/development/sibling-issues/how-birth-order-shapes-personality/

 

 

 

 

I don't understand the question.  We all have different circumstances in our lives.  A younger child in the lineup could get a debilitating disease that makes life harder.  An older child in the lineup could land a financial windfall.  Or not.  If you mean, are older children less resilient and able to handle the circumstances that come up, that's personality and choices. 

 

[Tsuga]

No. I think my sister is more introverted than I am but I don't think my life has been harder. We don't fit the older/younger stereotype at all. She's very perfectionistic and dutiful--more so than me.

[katilac]

No, I haven't seen that. 

 

 

[Katy]

Every oldest I know is more successful than siblings.

[HSmomof2]

I think it's 'generally' true, yet I think sometimes the roles can be switched--a more free-spirited oldest and more serious youngest. I'm an oldest and so is Dh. We've both experienced a lot of the stereotypical oldest child traits. We have two dc, and they both act like oldest children. Dh and I joke that it's genetically impossible for us to produce anything but firstborns. 😄

[Seasider]

In my experience/observations, it's the youngest who has the hardest time, not in childhood but as an adult.

[Carrie12345]

I'm not talking about as children, but as they get to be independent adults.  It seems like most oldest children that I know as adults have a harder time in life in general.  I know this fits the stereotypical view of the oldest child, but I find it really to be true, generally.  When I mean a harder time, I mean they are more apt to struggle with a variety of things such as:  perfectionism; higher self-expectations that they can't meet resulting in disappointments; a tendency to look at the glass half-empty rather than half-full (so more pessimistic); not able to "go with the flow" as easily; and more.   I see this even in my own oldest, not in all of the above, but I do notice that he tends to be more of a realist and sometimes pessimist, whereas the others are much more free-spirited and positive!  I feel badly for oldest children who have to be the trial first child of new parents.

 

I was the youngest in my own family, so naturally I don't struggle with any of that.  :)

 

To the specifics bolded, I'd say maybe. Dh and I are first borns who lean Type A.  But we've been the most stable and secure of our siblings for most (not all) of our adult lives.  Siblings who may very well have been content with their situations the entire time, but would have left us struggling with perfectionism, having higher expectations, facing disappointment, and being pessimistic in the same situations.

[OneStepAtATime]

I think this is much more dependent on personality of the individuals in the family, family dynamics, and experiences along the way than birth order.

[kewb]

My older sister is certainly a perfectionist and it has served her well. She is successful in business and her personal life.

My dh is also a perfectionist and often feels he and everyone else do not live up to his expectations.

My oldest child is a perfectionist. Always has been. I have spent a lifetime trying to teach him not to be. A classic example of nature vs. nurture.

To be honest, I do expect more from him than his sister. I have fought against this in myself (unsuccessfully a lot of the time).

I think the oldest can be pessimistic, perfectionist, less go with the flow due to awareness of things in their parents marriage. For example, my sister was much more aware of when our parents marriage was disintegrating because she was old enough to remember before. What I considered normal she knew was not.

[Greta]

In my experience/observations, it's the youngest who has the hardest time, not in childhood but as an adult.

I agree with this. I'm an oldest, while I had it the most rough growing up, I also had the easiest time adjusting to adulthood. For my "baby" brother, it was the opposite: easiest childhood, hardest 20's.

 

Contrary to popular opinion, I think middle children are in a great position. They get the best of both worlds.

 

That said, I think there's limited usefullness to birth order psychology. I do think that other factors play a much larger role. But to the extent that I have noticed it to be a factor, I'd say being the eldest is challenging but beneficial, being the middle is pretty nice all the way around, and being the youngest is the most disadvantaged position.

[J-rap]

Not in my family. Going back 3 generations, it seems apparent to me that the oldest child has always been the cruelest one as an adult, usually as a child, too.

 

Sorry.  :(  That is strange.

[J-rap]

I think it's 'generally' true, yet I think sometimes the roles can be switched--a more free-spirited oldest and more serious youngest. I'm an oldest and so is Dh. We've both experienced a lot of the stereotypical oldest child traits. We have two dc, and they both act like oldest children. Dh and I joke that it's genetically impossible for us to produce anything but firstborns. 😄

 

My husband and I are both youngest in our families, although my husband definitely has some "oldest" traits.  :)

 

[kewb]

I will aslo so that my husband is the oldest and I am the youngest.  With our two children, whenever there is bickering/fighting I always went after oldest with a "what did you do to your sister"  and dh always went to our daughter with the "what did you do".  As the youngest I always assumed ds was doing something to his little sister and dh always figured our daughter was doing something to tick off her brother. 

[HRAAB]

Experiences are so different. In my case, I would have loved an older sibling. I didn't have a horrible time, but there were difficulties that I attribute to being the oldest. My oldest dd has had a more difficult time than her younger siblings. She took her role as oldest very seriously and it hasn't been easy. My dh always says, "Thank God I wasn't the oldest."

 

But then I hear people complain about being the youngest, or the middle, child. I think growing up isn't easy for some people, and people tend to carry those grievances into adulthood.

Edited December 2, 2015 by Ishki

[Greta]

I was chatting with my husband about this over breakfast, and he said that he thinks that in families, like his family of origin, where there is dysfunction, it's hardest on the oldest. He's a middle child, and as rough as his childhood was for him, he feels like his oldest brother bore the brunt of all of their parents' issues and problems. And it's true that his older brother has struggled the most and had the most difficulties in his career and his marriages. I don't think his youngest brother is unscathed either, though. Well none of them escaped unscathed. But I do think my husband (the middle) has been the most successful and happy, both professionally and personally.

[Professormom]

I don't think so.

 

My dad and I are both oldest children. In general, we cope much better with life than our siblings.

 

This has been my experience as well. As an oldest, I have always HAD to be more responsible, especially after my parents split. There was a lot of care taking. However, I am much more optimistic than sib. I have always been very driven and have seen success from that.

 

However, I also think it is not a clear line. My Dh is the youngest of many, and he and I have differences, but he is very well-adjusted, lol.

[Professormom]

I will aslo so that my husband is the oldest and I am the youngest. With our two children, whenever there is bickering/fighting I always went after oldest with a "what did you do to your sister" and dh always went to our daughter with the "what did you do". As the youngest I always assumed ds was doing something to his little sister and dh always figured our daughter was doing something to tick off her brother.

Lol, sounds like you two balance each other out:-) My dh and I have flipped birth order from you and your dh, but we do the same thing. :cheers:

[maize]

Your list fits the youngest of my siblings better than the oldest.

 

I don't think it is generally true, no. Now, there is some research out there indicating that oldest children average better scores on IQ tests, for whatever that is worth...

[BlsdMama]

Not in our family.  I'm the moderate among my sibs and my youngest sib is more like you describe.  DH is the middle child and he is most like what you describe.  Within our kids, our second child, DS, has more of those personality traits, while our oldest is very orderly in her thinking, she is definitely not pessimistic.  But we always say #8 is an "oldest" child all over again - more take charge, more analytical, in control of the situation. ;)

 

I think oldest kids seem more demanding of themselves because, ultimately, their parents were most demanding of them.  I know it is true in our case, I didn't have realistic expectations of what DD should be able to do at her age.  But she usually rose to the challenge.  She and DS were pushed harder and acheived more.  They say (often) that we need to have the same expectations of younger sibs that we had of them.  I explain those were never realistic expectations.  They counter, "You like how we turned out, right?"  ;)

 

I think those big expectations lead kids, especially oldest, to expect a lot of themselves. Oldest DD shaved a couple years off her life worrying in her freshman year whether she was doing "good enough." However, now that she's finding her work is up to par, and she is less insecure about her abilities, she is hitting her stride and her real personality (more flexible, more go with the flow) is coming through.  She does worry and I think that is often an oldest trait even between relaxed or uptight kiddos.

 

[DawnM]

It is strange but in DH's family, he is the 2nd born and was more like the stereotypical first born, while his older brother floundered.

 

In my family, my youngest child is the most driven.  

 

I am an only and I can be quite driven.....I was always on to my next goal......until I had a child with special needs who haunted me in my tracks and I feel like I have really struggled with being a SAHM and a HSing mom.  

[abacus2]

I have not observed this to be the case. It certainly isn't for me, the oldest in my family.

Edited December 4, 2015 by abacus2

[elegantlion]

I don't think so. I think it's a personality thing.

 

:iagree: I am the youngest of two and your original post fits me more than my sister. She was not a problem child and even though I was pretty tame, I still gave my parents more "circumstances" to deal with as a teen and adult. 

[Janie Grace]

I was chatting with my husband about this over breakfast, and he said that he thinks that in families, like his family of origin, where there is dysfunction, it's hardest on the oldest. He's a middle child, and as rough as his childhood was for him, he feels like his oldest brother bore the brunt of all of their parents' issues and problems. And it's true that his older brother has struggled the most and had the most difficulties in his career and his marriages. I don't think his youngest brother is unscathed either, though. Well none of them escaped unscathed. But I do think my husband (the middle) has been the most successful and happy, both professionally and personally.

 

I definitely think this is true. The oldest often tries to serve as another (functional) parent. He/she doesn't get to be a child and develop the way a child should. Ask me how I know.  :glare:

[Greta]

I definitely think this is true. The oldest often tries to serve as another (functional) parent. He/she doesn't get to be a child and develop the way a child should. Ask me how I know. :glare:

:grouphug: