Tell me how rude would it be...

[Critterfixer]

...if next year I bring my own food for Christmas dinner?

 

Here's the deal. I'm gluten free and have been for two years now for health reasons. I'm not deathly allergic, but it doesn't take a whole lot of gluten to set me off. I almost will not eat out in the town because of this. If (and when) I get poisoned, I'll be sick for about 48 hours with GI distress, profound tiredness and I usually have a terrific headache to go along with. Not fun. I don't function well.

 

These issues are understood in theory by my immediate and extended family. (Immediate family is actually getting gluten free at this point, and they have begun to identify things that are an issue for them, so I'm seldom in danger there.) Extended family not so much. And I really don't want anyone having to go to lengths for me to eat there now and again. During the year if the DH and I would like to go there to eat I actually cook and bring supper, and that's a lot of fun. It's not a huge issue in the summer either, because there is very little baking. We do grilling, and that mostly works out well.

 

BUT. Christmas! Oy! And Thanksgiving.

 

At Thanksgiving I knew I had to work the next day. I fixed my own plate, covered it, and when it came time to eat, I warmed up my covered plate and had that. It worked great. I wasn't sick at all. But I felt awkward...so awkward that I actually didn't sit at the table with anyone, and frankly, a place wasn't made for me to sit that wasn't a corner where I'd have to set my plate on my lap. I opted to attempt to eat carefully at Christmas because I felt I'd offended. And wouldn't you know--sick two days, taking Benedryl and downing orange juice for Vit C. 

DH feels that no one will think the worse of me for just going ahead and bringing my own plate of food for these big dinners where there will be copious amounts of flour in use in the kitchen. 

So, how rude am I being? (DH is an engineer, I can't trust his opinion on social etiquette! :laugh: )

[BigMamaBird]

As a hostess, if I received a call from you saying what you've said here about your illness, I wouldn't bat an eyelash. Let them know beforehand that you bringing food is about your health issues and not about their food. I have read some truly awful things on the board here about visitors bringing uncooked food (alligator, was it) and expecting an already busy hostess to prepare it. That's not cool. But if you wanted to use my microwave to reheat your plate, it wouldn't bother me at all.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Not rude at all.  Do what you did at Thanksgiving and if  you want to sit, move things around so that you can put your plate on the table because that's rude of them if they don't make you a place.  

[PuddleJumper1]

Not rude at all in my opinion. You have to do what you need to in order to stay healthy. Both dh and ds have celiac along with other food issues, youngest has neuro reactions to gluten. We don't hesitate to bring their food with us. If someone is offended that's on them. We don't expect others to cook for them but some do try. They almost always end up getting sick. It's not worth it. For dh and older ds it can take up to 2 weeks for them to fully recover from illegals. 

 

ETA - agreeing with pp. All food we bring is completely ready to eat. We don't expect to cook anything. 

[Critterfixer]

Oh, good! This is a huge relief to me. I really was afraid that I would be breaking some rules by doing this.

FWIW, my MIL is a fantastic cook, and DH and both of my boys are always sure to make sure she knows how good she is at making the favorites that I simply don't make. (Like homemade bread.)

[Miss Peregrine]

Not rude at all afa food. However, I can't get past the fact that there wasn't a place for you to sit. Did your DH not offer his or to make you one?

[poppy]

Pretty normal these days. Don't sweat it.

[gardenmom5]

I would think there should not be a problem.  you are bringing food specific to a health condition you have.  while I have had guests who are GF, and I try to have things they can eat - those are not the complete menu and I've never had a problem with them bringing something just for them.

 

 

[Amira]

I would rather have guests bring their own food when they have allergies. It seems like the simplest option for everyone. I'm happy to try to make something that's safe for a guest, but I can't be perfect and my kitchen isn't free of any allergens anyway. And then they feel obligated to eat whatever I made, even if it isn't their thing.  

[Critterfixer]

 

Not rude at all afa food. However, I can't get past the fact that there wasn't a place for you to sit. Did your DH not offer his or to make you one? 

 

 

No, he didn't. Not unusual, though. It wouldn't occur to him. The table was horribly crowded, worse than usual. I was offered the corner. I opted for the chess table in the front room with the kids. I got the bay window with a view of the pond---not complaining!

I was a little concerned that I had offended. Now I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that there simply wasn't enough room at the table for everybody. There was even less room at Christmas! 

I think MIL needs a bigger table!

[Arcadia]

Not rude at all. I am a picky eater with no food allergies and my aunts would make special dishes for me. If I have brought my own they won't have mind at all.

My vegan guests bring their own food, my kitchen is "contaminated".

[TranquilMind]

...if next year I bring my own food for Christmas dinner?

 

Here's the deal. I'm gluten free and have been for two years now for health reasons. I'm not deathly allergic, but it doesn't take a whole lot of gluten to set me off. I almost will not eat out in the town because of this. If (and when) I get poisoned, I'll be sick for about 48 hours with GI distress, profound tiredness and I usually have a terrific headache to go along with. Not fun. I don't function well.

 

These issues are understood in theory by my immediate and extended family. (Immediate family is actually getting gluten free at this point, and they have begun to identify things that are an issue for them, so I'm seldom in danger there.) Extended family not so much. And I really don't want anyone having to go to lengths for me to eat there now and again. During the year if the DH and I would like to go there to eat I actually cook and bring supper, and that's a lot of fun. It's not a huge issue in the summer either, because there is very little baking. We do grilling, and that mostly works out well.

 

BUT. Christmas! Oy! And Thanksgiving.

 

At Thanksgiving I knew I had to work the next day. I fixed my own plate, covered it, and when it came time to eat, I warmed up my covered plate and had that. It worked great. I wasn't sick at all. But I felt awkward...so awkward that I actually didn't sit at the table with anyone, and frankly, a place wasn't made for me to sit that wasn't a corner where I'd have to set my plate on my lap. I opted to attempt to eat carefully at Christmas because I felt I'd offended. And wouldn't you know--sick two days, taking Benedryl and downing orange juice for Vit C. 

DH feels that no one will think the worse of me for just going ahead and bringing my own plate of food for these big dinners where there will be copious amounts of flour in use in the kitchen. 

So, how rude am I being? (DH is an engineer, I can't trust his opinion on social etiquette! :laugh: )

Well, you don't want to be ill.  I'd just say that unfortunately, I have to eat certain foods for health reasons, and eat it unapologetically. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'd love that.  My dad is now on a low potassium and low sodium diet.  It's a lot more challenging that one would think!  So half the time I have no clue what to freaking make.  If he brought his own food that would be awesome.  LOL

 

 

[Just Kate]

I have a cousin who eats a gluten free diet, and not because she has celiac (she has been tested and the results were negative), but because she has major intestininal distress each and every time she eats something that contains gluten. She has come for major holiday dinners several times and no one batted an eye at the plate of food that she brought so she could join in with the rest of the family. I Couldn't imagine not just being gracious In this situation.

[fraidycat]

Not rude.

[HS Mom in NC]

As the person who has spent more than a decade being the one to co-ordinate and host Thanksgivings and Christmases for 20+ people, I would be thrilled if you did that. For people who don't deal with food issues, it's a big deal trying to figure out what someone can eat, reading labels you've never read before, getting different recipes, etc.  This isn't my life.  I'm willing to make adjustments but overhauling everything is asking a lot of everyone else.

My niece had severe food allergies that caused bleeding eczema and her parents wouldn't bring anything the child could eat because they're very spacy, disorganized, erratic people by nature.  They would say they were going to bring something and insist no one change anything to accommodate her because they were going to "take care it"  but then they'd forget to make it or they'd forget to bring it.  Almost every time.  It put the host in a terrible position because just about everything has dairy or nuts in it in a traditional holiday meal so we finally started ignoring them and assumed they'd flake out so we had something holidayish ready for our niece. Then I tried to get more relatives to bring dishes she could eat, but then they complained the usual dishes weren't there.   Ugh! Since then that SIL went vegetarian and brought the lamb she made in years past because everyone raved about it then she complained no one else (none of whom are vegetarian) brought any vegetarian dishes.

 

I once invited two couples to my house for dinner, but had to be honest with them, "I don't know what to make for your guys for dinner, but I'd like to have all of you over."  They were vegan, didn't eat most legumes or corn and something else. They said happily, "Sounds great!  We'll bring all the food." I provided the location and drinks.  It worked out perfectly!

[Carrie12345]

This is NOT rude!!!

I can't fathom people taking offense to someone not wanting to be ill.  And, as far as I understand, celiac/real gluten issues are not JUST about being sick for a few days, but about cumulative damage.  Your health deserves respect!

[trulycrabby]

I think anyone who cares about you would not be offended at all if you brought your own food. Poor thing, it sounds pretty awful when you do eat gluten! :grouphug:

[Critterfixer]

:blushing: I'm the one who was worried about my rudeness. Sounds like I got nothing to worry about, and that's great! 

 

[Loowit]

It is not rude at all, but realistically there are always going to be people who will get offended.  My DS has severe, life threatening, food allergies.  When he was younger I made food that I knew he could eat and brought it.  Mostly people took it in stride, but some seemed to think I was overreacting and made rude comments.  Some people just don't get it.  Now that we have dealt with this for many year, we have it down.  People don't serve nuts when we are there, and we bring enough food that we know he can eat..  The biggest problem is if there is something unsafe and people cross-contaminate with the safe foods.

[Eagle]

Not rude! You have a reason to bring your own food. Slip in a comment about how much you miss the host/hostess' cooking (maybe mention the bread, that they know for sure you cannot eat).

 

My sons have allergies and I bring all food for them to family meals. It seemed awkward at first, but it is now normal and expected.

[Critterfixer]

 

My sons have allergies and I bring all food for them to family meals. It seemed awkward at first, but it is now normal and expected. 

 

 

That's the word. Awkward. I felt awkward. 

And maybe it felt awkward to my extended family as well. It's just going to take time to get used to it.

[TechWife]

It's not rude. It is rude, however, for you not to have a place to sit down at the table. 

 

My niece can't have gluten and the gluten-free dishes outnumbered those with gluten because we all knew that and tried to bring versions of our favorites that she could eat. It worked out wonderfully. 

 

 

[scholastica]

Not rude at all. I have a child who had significant food allergies. We took food for him to all family events. Everyone was relieved, no-one was offended. Just make it clear that it is a significant health issue. No-one would want you to be sick.

[HeWillSoar]

Food allergies make me feel so awkward sometimes.  Recently a friend and I took another friend out for her birthday, and she chose Olive Garden.   Ugggh.  I used to love that place when I could eat that stuff, but now it's just hard.  They have a couple of options that IMO are not very good, so I opted to just get salad.  Of course, then someone says, "You're only getting salad?"  I'm trying to be gracious and act like I just want salad (I never just order salad so it's obvious) but I don't want my friend to feel bad that she chose that restaurant--her favorite.   If I say something to her in advance and ask to go to a different place, I feel like I'm dictating to everyone what we do and they don't get to go where they want to go.  Everyone has to think, "Can Shelly eat here?" wherever we go and I hate to do that to people!!!

 

In your case, about bringing your own food, I would do the same and not feel bad about it.  It's not putting anyone else out or keeping them from eating what they want, so it's a win-win. 

[Critterfixer]

 

Food allergies make me feel so awkward sometimes.  Recently a friend and I took another friend out for her birthday, and she chose Olive Garden.   Ugggh.  I used to love that place when I could eat that stuff, but now it's just hard.  They have a couple of options that IMO are not very good, so I opted to just get salad.  Of course, then someone says "You're only getting salad?"  I'm trying to be gracious and act like I just want salad (I never just order salad so it's obvious) but I don't want my friend to feel bad that she chose that restaurant--her favorite.   If I say something to her in advance and ask to go to a different place, I feel like I'm dictating to everyone what we do and they don't get to go where they want to go.  Everyone has to think, "Can Shelly eat here?" wherever we go and I hate to do that to people!!!

 

:grouphug: I know exactly what you mean.

 

[Nemom]

Not rude at all. With three of us in the family who have special food issues (gluten is one), it is so much easier to just bring our own food. I don't think MIL really appreciates it but I don't care. I do not want three sick people in the house for days just because we had to make her happy.

 

To be honest, if someone does make something that they claim is gluten free we just skip it anyway. Cross contamination is too big of a risk IMO.

[Critterfixer]

 

To be honest, if someone does make something that they claim is gluten free we just skip it anyway. Cross contamination is too big of a risk IMO. 

 

 

I think that is what got me this time. I did my best to avoid anything that might have been exposed: I ate the turkey, the corn on the cob that I did at home and brought, but I also ate some mashed potatoes, and my guess is that the potatoes got me because those were made there. 

But you bring up the hardest thing of all to do: when someone goes out of their way to make gluten-free (they think!) and you have to refuse! I hate doing that. But I've had to. 

I once brought a GF pecan pie only to watch it be cut with the same knife used to cut the other pies! Now that was a SAD moment!

[chocolatechip]

I would feel SO awful if someone got sick from eating food from my flour-containing kitchen. I wouldn't think twice about someone bringing their own plate to avoid gluten. 

 

I say don't worry about it.  :)

[Caclcoca]

Not rude at all.

[Lisbeth]

Who cares what others think? Keep yourself healthy. If that offends someone, that someone obviously doesn't care how you feel. I would worry about it 100% less and carry on with what you need to do. Gluten damage can go well beyond a few days of sickness long-term.

[Lisbeth]

Also regarding a holiday meal that had a lot of nuts or peanuts...I would not attend with my peanut and nut allergy daughter. Too much chance of cross contamination, and it takes such a tiny amount to trigger anaphylaxis in those particular allergies. I would be a little less strict over dairy.

[xixstar]

Not at all rude. I make sure and bring dishes that I can eat to family and social events and then eat exclusively that. I am just not with it to prepare a whole plate though that would be fine too.

[Ellie]

Not rude at all. You have my complete support in bringing your own food.

[HSmomof2]

Not at all rude.

[LucyStoner]

Not rude. At all.

[Janie Grace]

Not rude at all! However, the going and sitting at the kids' table might have been interpreted as you being offended, if you were the only adult there...

[Spryte]

Not rude. We do this too, and, yes - it feels awkward at times. Better than being sick later though. Everyone will get used to it.

[Tsuga]

Not rude at all.

 

It's a health condition. We try to accommodate vegetarians and everyone but I understand that some health issues require food prepared separately.

 

If the hostess is older explain that it's doctors orders and wouldn't you love to have her pie, but you simply can't risk your health as the family needs you. Or something like that. If she's extra sensitive, just to stave off offense, compliment the aroma. :)

 

My SIL said, "If I didn't know you better I'd think you were trying to make it hard for me! It all smells so good." She didn't have to and honestly we didn't think twice of her bringing her own plate. But she is a very gracious person and I noticed how she found a way to compliment the cook without eating anything.

[kbutton]

I think that is what got me this time. I did my best to avoid anything that might have been exposed: I ate the turkey, the corn on the cob that I did at home and brought, but I also ate some mashed potatoes, and my guess is that the potatoes got me because those were made there. 

But you bring up the hardest thing of all to do: when someone goes out of their way to make gluten-free (they think!) and you have to refuse! I hate doing that. But I've had to. 

I once brought a GF pecan pie only to watch it be cut with the same knife used to cut the other pies! Now that was a SAD moment!

 

I think I would have cried or been really mad about the pie, lol! 

 

I think it's fine to bring your own food. What is harder for me to is to prepare an entire meal (but in single serving form) for myself, unless I am bringing only snack food or raw veggies or something, and then also bring a dish to pass. That really stresses me out, unless I can bring something super easy. It's not like people eat simple, basic food at a holiday meal, and it's just not fun to sit there with your boring plate of food because you spent all your time making something to share and didn't have time to make more than a couple of quick, boring things for yourself. I do try to take something that is naturally GF and "normal" to share with others, but then it's awkward to ask them to let me serve myself first so nobody does something stupid like you mentioned about cutting the pie. Sigh.

 

But no, not rude to take your own food as long as it doesn't require major cooking space or time for the hostess.

[Jennifer132]

I think it's fine. You can give the host a heads up if you like, but either way I personally think it isn't rude given that it's a health issue and not just that you don't like what is being served.

[cintinative]

My son has Celiac so I am very used to doing this. If we are going to someone's house to eat I usually ask what they are making, and then unless it is something he can definitely eat, I bring the equivalent of a full meal for him.  With Celiac it is not just about the food itself, but also the preparation, and anything else prepared "around" it.  Today my mom reached over to help my son cut his pizza and we had to throw away a whole section of a pizza because she touched it with her knife. It was one of those things where she just wasn't thinking. Frankly I don't expect people to be able to work around the food issues my son has. I think it is my job. So I do almost always offer to make some food, and make sure that item that I bring is gluten free so he can eat it. This is especially true for parties--I always bring a cupcake or cookie for him, and tell the parent I am bringing it.  

 

Anyway, all that to say--no, you are not rude. My big issue is how to manage multi-family vacations. I am freaking out a little at the prospect of a shared kitchen.

 

ETA: If I do bring a shared dish, such as your pie, I ask if we could please have the first piece and could I cut it so that i can make sure it is safe for him. If it is something pre-cut like brownies, I just pull one out early, put it on a plate and cover with foil or plastic wrap for later. I even do this at church potlucks. You gotta do what you gotta do to stay well. I am coordinating the gluten-free desserts for a church event coming up. We plan to cut and individually wrap everything in plastic and label it to keep gluten-y hands away.

[Kathryn]

Not rude at all. When my son had allergies, we always brought his food.

[marbel]

How on earth can it be rude to bring food that won't make you sick to a family event?

 

I'm really sorry you are dealing with people who don't understand.  Cutting a GF pie with the knife that cut the regular pie?  Wow.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

 

[Critterfixer]

I don't think I'll feel as awkward bringing a plate for myself next year. This year was, because I'd never done it before. But honestly, I think it is going to be easiest for everyone involved. And I still plan on bringing GF treats that I can share. In the case of Thanksgiving I simply took a steak I had cooked the day before, some of the roasted mushrooms and pan sauce that went with it, and a custard cup I had made, and I brought white-wine poached pears to share. It wasn't traditional fare (not turkey) but it was good. It's generally not an issue for me to be able to make up a complete plate for myself, and still bring something. I like to cook.

And I think that everyone will get used to it with time. The pie mistake was last year, and this year I controlled the knife to cut my pie, and took my slice out before anyone else got to it. No one batted an eye--so they are learning. DH assures me that no one was at all offended, and it sounds as if all the concern is on my side anyway. 

 

ETA: Is all on my side. If the Hive says I'm fine to bring my plate and eat it too, then that is what I plan to do!

[Ausmumof3]

I don't think it would be rude at all. I'd hate to think you ate my food to be polite and then got sick.

[Truscifi]

I don't think I'll feel as awkward bringing a plate for myself next year. This year was, because I'd never done it before. But honestly, I think it is going to be easiest for everyone involved. And I still plan on bringing GF treats that I can share. In the case of Thanksgiving I simply took a steak I had cooked the day before, some of the roasted mushrooms and pan sauce that went with it, and a custard cup I had made, and I brought white-wine poached pears to share. It wasn't traditional fare (not turkey) but it was good. It's generally not an issue for me to be able to make up a complete plate for myself, and still bring something. I like to cook.

And I think that everyone will get used to it with time. The pie mistake was last year, and this year I controlled the knife to cut my pie, and took my slice out before anyone else got to it. No one batted an eye--so they are learning. DH assures me that no one was at all offended, and it sounds as if all the concern is on my side anyway. 

 

ETA: Is all on my side. If the Hive says I'm fine to bring my plate and eat it too, then that is what I plan to do!

 

Another vore for not rude. Also, that sounds delicious.

[school17777]

Just don't make something for yourself that the other guests will be drooling over!

[Southern Ivy]

Not rude at all. I have to do the same thing. And, really, if you call ahead and explain the situation, I would hope they'd be fine with it as well. 

[justkeepswimming]

I didn't read any replies - because I cannot fathom how it could ever be rude to bring your own food to a family function. Especially when it's food you've made so that you aren't feeling ill for days afterward. Who on earth would begrudge a person that option?! By all means - bring along your own food and eat it without reservation or guilt!!

 

If someone shoots you nasty looks or says something - bake the "special Ex-Lax brownies" and serve it to them at the next family function and they can see how very much they enjoy feeling awful for a couple days after a family holiday.

 

(I kid... I kid....)