Are they being passive-aggressive or just clueless? So bad!

Wat? Weird!

To answer a question, I have two teens and two younger kids. I think to them I am "mom" instead of a person. We are all close, but I am going to make sure they are taught about giving. They are generally very polite, well behaved kids. I am going to take some of the suggestions offered here. Thank you!

I'm sorry you are in a circumstance like mine! I love that you are taking control of the situation!

Yep. All up to me!

Thank you for the validation. I feel guilty for being upset. So many people have it worse. Some people have no homes or food. I know it's a first world problem. But this goes on year after year. I stopped reading FB around Christmas or Mother's Day! So depressing! I am enjoying everyone's stories on this thread. You all are handling your disappointments with such good humor. Making me feel better.

Let me explain a little, my posts are confusing. I have been direct, but the cheerfully just accepted when saying I want a little token goes nowhere. This year, after years of it, I am not being gracious. I am actually not going to allow being about giving, not receiving, not being greedy, etc, all of the polite things be cover for adults who take and never give back. Tiredof being polite about it. Honestly the saddest is it robs me of my love of giving, because giving to the adults in my life now makes me feel like a doormat or a sucker when I am never considered in return.

I so appreciate your response. My parents are a narc/enabler team, and I was their miserable, scapegoat only child. I have told my dh multiple times- in fact, finding me later in tears, I was told by him that Christmas is for kids. I notice he doesn't turn down the $200 cash gift from his mom to him yearly even though "Christmas is for kids." The truth is, my kids I can't fault, but otherwise I am surrounded by jerks. I need to fix that. I am very direct, but it doesn't matter.

I got absolutely nothing. As in, not a homemade drawing from a kid, nothing from dh, nothing from my parents. I usually get pretty much nothing and try to be not petty, but I am tired of being the bigger person. It hurts. It shows just what people think of me.

I've had to shush one of mine about coffee and alcohol. As Mormons we are taught not to partake in either. One of my kids is particularly a "by the book" type of kid and when small (5ish, I think), more than once said something like, "Mom, look, they are drinking coffee!" in a shocked (and loud) tone. I had to explain that not everyone abstains, that quite a few people drink coffee and alcohol and it's none of our business.

That seems like the kind of question a person would ask about a child. Does she still see the two of you as kids? What a weird thing to say!

I don't think number of kids in a family should matter one way or another in a conversation about whether it is appropriate for a four year old to be alone at a particular distance from mom and for a particular amount of time. It should be, in my mind, a consideration from the point of view of the whether it is safe for the child, period. If it is safe for a four year old, fine, it is safe. If it is not safe, then it applies whether mom thinks she is too busy or not. That said, I still don't know that I would make this LAW. I just would not leave *my* 4 year old unattended. I don't think I would call the police for this...but I would be really uneasy seeing a small child out unattended outside.

I'm not sure what I think. I wouldn't leave an unattended 4 year old outside of an apartment complex (or anywhwere) to play. Nope. However, I'm not sure it is actually breaking a law - is it? If he was snatched and killed, would mom be charged with criminal neglect? If not, should she be? I am just not sure.

I tend to go for candy, jewelry, and gift cards (amazon/steam/whatever). Sometimes smaller toys (Skylander characters, shopkins, ...). I stopped doing anything that is purely filler. I hate cheap, junky stuff that is just there because it's small and works in a stocking. The main reasons I hate those things are 1. no one really wants them and 2. they just add to clutter for no good reason. I also don't ever put necessities in as gifts.

Elderberry syrup + teaching my kids to minimize touching their eyes, noses and mouths as a general hygiene rule means mine are not sick very often. One illness usually goes through our house per year, and that's about it.

I'm with you! I try not to be a grouch about it, but besides being an introvert, I also have a hearing condition that amplifies high-pitched sounds in a distorted, painful way, so things like that bell are really grating. Especially when it's non-stop for a month and in several places I go.

See, this just never happens to me with our weird dietary problems and allergies. We don't get those invites. I think you are suddenly needed out of town then - right? RIGHT?! ;)

There are some emerging elite athletes on vegetarian and vegan diets. I see a lot of them on blogs, instagram, selling books, in news articles, etc. Maybe if you start looking into some of them (I wish I could just name them off for you but I am not into sports, etc., enough to know their names) - they probably have diet ideas on some of their sites. I would look into that and see if you can find some good ideas. The meat-free part jumps out to me, because I keep reading over and over from various athletes how their endurance and recovery times in various sports have improved by removing meat and dairy. That's why I would start there.

Yeah, she is a peach.

Food allergies are really awkward. Here is what it is like for us: my daughter is so very highly allergic and tested via the components test to be anaphylactic to peanuts. Peanuts can be so deadly for her in tiny amounts that having a bunch of it in dishes is pretty dangerous even if she doesn't eat it. Soy, on the other hand, is not that way for her so it can be in things and not pose the same risk as long as she doesn't eat it. So if someone insists that they want us to attend a dinner or whatever, then we say please no overt peanuts in things, and we'll bring her meal otherwise. Usually that works out ok. We let them know she still can't eat the food but would love the enjoyment of their company with her own meal. On a few awful occasions people have gone out of their way to keep things out of dishes for her and then she has gotten horribly sick the night before or day of, (like hurling sick with a high fever) and can't go to the event. NOW THAT is really embarrassing. It's only happened a few times, since she is now an older teen and she has had her allergies since around age 1. We tend to avoid food-related events and do our own thing, and find other ways to be with people. Because, yeah, it can be so awkward.

As the mother of a highly allergic child to multiple items, I respect that you know your limitations. We just would not attend, with no hard feelings on our side. Where it becomes a problem is when family members try to guilt us to attend even though they feel as you do. Then the fighting and resentment begins.

Team don't go. Be a model of self-respect. Let them howl and guilt trip all they want. If they want to put dysfunction on a pedestal, let them reap the fallout of that choice all on their own. I refuse to be a prop in the annual "we're just a big, happy, normal family" performance that my MIL wants to put on. I think she wants to mainly get pictures and "proof" of how happy and together her (scary, scary) family is. Several family members are actively mentally unstable or not people I want my kids to be around for other behavioral reasons. So yeah, in her mind I am the "difficult" one who wants to "ruin" her holiday. The one who refuses to rugsweep often gets more venom and blame than the actual sources of the issues in the family. I'm ok with that. "I don't care what you think about me, I don't think about you at all." - Coco Chanel. Yes, I have a bunch of quotes I use to remind myself of the attitude I want to have with difficult people. ;)

My sociopathic/narc SIL stays really upset that both of her girls ended up with **expletitive** brown eyes (she has blue eyes, herself). Sorry for that example, those are HER words. Her daughters have absolutely *beautiful* eyes and lush, thick, black eyelashes. In my opinion, both of her daughters are quite a bit more beautiful than she is, and you know how narcs LOVE that! Probably why she insults their coloring. My SIL is a really bad person with no filter, and I'm glad I decided to stop our relationship years ago. This is just one tiny example.

I probably wouldn't give your MIL much of a pass here. More of a pass than FIL, but she sounds like a great enabler and a manipulator all on her own. The bottom line for me is: I wouldn't go anywhere my kids had to walk on egg shells or hear me verbally abused. I've always liked this: "If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors." Snip, snip, OP. And hugs.

I feel the same. I make it a point now to refuse to participate in Black Friday or the 4 days or so now making up "Black Friday."