Home'scool Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 :cursing: ..... is a great time to get their panties all in a bunch?!? My mother passed away last week very unexpectedly. She wasn't feeling well and went to the hospital on Tuesday. At 5:30 p.m. on Wednesday I was that she was doing ok, up and talking, but they identified a blockage in her heart and would be doing a dye test the next day. At 7:30 p.m. that same night I received a call that she was intubated and would not make it through the night. By 11:00 p.m. we took her off all machines and she passed away minutes later. Seeing her intubated was horrible. It is not like you see on the t.v. She was sedated so she was not conscious, but the nurse said they could only give her so much sedation because of the condition of her heart. My concern was that if there was any part of her that was aware at all, she would be in pain and terrified. She was declining rapidly as we were there. Her kidneys were failing. The doctors said she had no chance. My stepfather was there with her "Do Not Resuscitate" orders. My sister and I were there (we live within minutes of the hospital), and only one of her grandchildren. From the people there we decided to take her off the machines, per her wishes and per the obvious suffering, and let her pass away. My uncle, her brother, who lives 2 hours away, is furious with my stepfather. He thinks he should have been called and allowed to come to the hospital to say goodbye. My mother's wishes were that she be cremated and have her ashes scattered over her parents grave. She also only wanted my stepfather and my uncle to do it. No one else. But my uncle is so mad he "needs time" before he will see my stepfather and go with him. Really?!?! She should have stayed on the machines so you could come and say goodbye?! And when do someone else's needs become more important than the person who is dying/died? When my grandmother passed away a close family friend got all in a tizzy because she thought the casket we buried her in was too cheap and the funeral service was too short. When we all came back to the house she refused to come inside and then left by hollering a quick "goodbye" through the screen door. Granted, she took care of my grandmother when she was needed and was close to her, but ....... GAAAAHHHHH! It's like people clamor for center stage when there is a death, and the person with the biggest stick up their butt wins. SIt down, shut up and say a prayer for the deceased. Then shut up some more! ok ... rant over (for now) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggie96 Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 :grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss. :( ...and I'm sorry you have to deal with crazy people. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm sorry for your loss. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheila in OK Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 ((Hugs)) So sorry about your mother. I lost my dad almost exactly a year ago and it's hard to lose a parent. I have no idea why people behave like that, but I have seen it too. So crazy. Maybe it's just their way of dealing with the grief??!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm so sorry for your loss and that family drama has reared its ugly head. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I am so sorry. :grouphug: I remember when my mom's mom died (I was 10) and several of my mom's 6 siblings were at each other over every last thing, including possessions (and my grandmother had nothing). Death brings out the worst in families. And kicks up every last, old family hurt or perceived slight that ever occurred. Again, I am so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I am so sorry about your mother. My mom's passing was very similar to yours and it was awful. You're right- not like on tv at all. All the stupid things relatives said and did are put out of my mind- I only think about how we honored Mom's wishes not to be on machines and that all of her kids surrounded her as she peacefully passed. I think grief makes some people act in ways they don't usually act. But for others, it just reinforces that they're the jerks I thought they were all along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momto10blessings Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm sorry for your loss :( These people are being selfish and immature. Sorry you have to deal with them in your time of mourning Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KRG Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm so sorry. Death has a way of bringing out the worst in people. My sister passed away last year and we had to make that decision. I agree there is no point to making the dying suffer more so someone can say goodbye. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 (Hugs) Sorry for your loss. I think stress and grief make people feel helpless and they strike out where they can...even if it is misplaced. (Hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I am so incredibly sorry that you have lost your mother and your family is having difficulties. When my grandfather died he had been attending a Protestant church and was a member, along with my grandmother, for several decades. But his brother wanted a Catholic service. He and my grandmother got into a terrible shouting match at the florists and it just spiraled down. These are not drama queen people. They were both very reasonable, rational, people. And yet emotions took over, grief took over, and it was very unpleasant, right when everyone needed support the most. Is there anyone close to your uncle that could talk with him, listen to his concerns respectfully, help him feel like he is a respected part of the family even if he wasn't called right away, and maybe help him with seeing that the good of the family as a whole and his sister's memory and wishes would be better served if he participated with good grace? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
naturemom Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm sorry for your loss. Hopefully your uncle will cool off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Sorry for your loss. Praying your uncle comes around quickly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is very difficult. Your uncle's actions aren't making this time easier. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carriede Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm so sorry for your loss. ::hugs:: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted July 3, 2014 Author Share Posted July 3, 2014 Thank you everyone for your kind words ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm sorry for your loss. People deal with loss and grief differently, and anger is one common reaction to stress. I am sorry it is hurting other family members. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pawz4me Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. We experienced something similar when my mom died. She was hospitalized for 11 weeks and on a ventilator. In all that time one of her brothers, who lives right in town (an easy 15 minute drive from the hospital she was in) never came to see her. But when he learned my brother and I had made the decision and all the arrangements with the hospital to remove her from the ventilator, he wanted us to delay everything to give him time to see her. Unbelievable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. We experienced something similar when my mom died. She was hospitalized for 11 weeks and on a ventilator. In all that time one of her brothers, who lives right in town (an easy 15 minute drive from the hospital she was in) never came to see her. But when he learned my brother and I had made the decision and all the arrangements with the hospital to remove her from the ventilator, he wanted us to delay everything to give him time to see her. Unbelievable. :confused1: That must have been frustrating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I am so sorry for your loss. :grouphug: The medical situation you described is almost exactly like what happened to my MIL, who passed away last Wednesday. Fortunately dh and his sibs were all in agreement that FIL should follow her wishes outlined in her living will. I can't imagine how difficult it would be if any family member was against it. It's a difficult situation enough without discord. Again you have my sympathy and more hugs. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I am so sorry you lost your mom. :grouphug: You were honoring her wishes, that's what I would say to your uncle, and that's that. Frankly I would walk away from him, hang up the phone, etc... because I just would not put up with that kind of behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne115 Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I am so very sorry for your loss. I am also sorry you are dealing with so much family drama. Suzanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
candicane Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm sorry for your loss. :grouphug: I can kinda see your uncle's side of things too. I'd be upset too if I couldn't say goodbye in time, but I'm sure he'll calm down over time. He needs time to grieve just like everyone else, I'm sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrookValley. Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Hopefully your uncle is just processing his grief--not that I think that should be a valid excuse to act like jerk, mind you--and will chill out soon, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I am sorry about your Mom. :grouphug: :grouphug: Hope all the other stuff gets settled down fast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Oh, I am so sorry that you had such a shock and in the midst of it emotions run high and raw. Your uncle may need some time to cool off, process some grief and loss as well before he comes around. It certainly makes the whole thing so much more difficult. If you can disconnect from this drama, at least somewhat, I hope you can grieve and experience some healing for yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm so sorry! And, yes, it's a known thing that people generally (to a greater or lesser extent) loose all sense of proportion and self-restraint when they are grieving. I think it actually effects executive function in their brains. They teach you about it in pastoral training. All families do it (to a greater or lesser extent) and we are warned to expect it. It's best if there is grace for everyone. It's not "centre stage" it's genuinely, cognitively, being set up to react like that. It's not always a choice (though it can be managed). Note: while you might be on the 'lesser extent' side of things, you are probably finding yourself quite impulsive and over-react-ish too. (Meaning that maybe he is being selfish, but maybe you are madder about it than you otherwise might be.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm sorry for your loss. Perhaps selfish family members weren't thinking about possible consequences of your mother suffering and were only feeling guilty and angry that they weren't present? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Deaths can bring out the worst in people. I'm so sorry you lost your mom. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm sorry for your loss. Hopefully, uncle will come around soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSmomof2 Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm so sorry for your loss. A death in the family does seen to bring out the worst in some people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunflowerlady Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I am so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 As someone who has catered hundred's of weddings I can tell you for certain that the exact same thing happens at weddings. Some people cannot handle the reality that they are not the center of the universe. I can remember a coworker blowing off steam about a wedding we were working and she very truthfully said, "Weddings bring out closet narcissists." So true. I'm sorry you are missing your mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I am sorry for your loss. Nothing brings out the ugly like weddings and funerals. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm so sorry for your loss. Been there, done that with a close family member after my mom's death. Sigh. Very painful when someone insists on acting like a donkey butt. I've told my sons for years now that if they act like this after I'm gone, I'm asking God if I can come back and haunt them (or slap them silly.) Be kind to yourself. There are painful days ahead, but you will survive them. ( I often wondered if I would...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lieutenant Stranger Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm sorry for your loss. :grouphug: I can kinda see your uncle's side of things too. I'd be upset too if I couldn't say goodbye in time, but I'm sure he'll calm down over time. He needs time to grieve just like everyone else, I'm sure. I am very sorry this happened, and so suddenly, too. I agree with this-- I'd also be upset if I did not get to say goodbye to my sibling. Grief comes in many forms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, and for the crazy drama that has followed. Grief does do strange things to people sometimes. {{{HUGS}}} to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm so very sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 :grouphug: I am so sorry you are having to deal with this when you should be giving yourself time to grieve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meriwether Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I'm so sorry for your loss. As for your relatives. Yeah, I get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 I am so sorry for your loss, and for the grief other family members are giving you. I do hate it when people think only of themselves, not of the person suffering. I was fortunate that I didn't have to deal with people who didn't agree with my decision to end all testing/treatment and go with palliative care for my mom. But, I knew those were her wishes. I wanted her with me, but her choice not to suffer further took precedence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I am so, so sorry. I don't understand it either. My uncle died in April and my great-aunt (my uncle's and mother's aunt) won't speak to my mother at all now and we have no idea why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I'm so sorry about the loss of your mother. :grouphug: As to why people are drama queens and jerks at funerals... well, my experience tells me they were drama queens and jerks before the funeral. They're just being themselves. I'm sorry you have to deal with that, too. Not that it helps any, but I think most families have those kind of people to deal with, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 :0( I'm sorry for your loss, and for the pain that inflicted beyond it. :0( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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