dirty ethel rackham Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 A little background ...I try not to compare myself to other people. As an adult re-reading the Little House books, I really saw Ma Ingalls wisdom when she warned Laura that comparing oneself to others leads to discontentment. I really try not to do so within my own family. Most of my siblings are more successful financially than dh and I. We're not complaining; we are doing fine. Dh makes a decent salary. We live within our means. Our kids really haven't wanted for anything. We really are very thankful for our good fortune and we really don't feel envy of our siblings. We made choices that allowed me to stay home. Others made different choices. It's all good, right? But, I have this sister who is so competitive with me, despite my attempts to disengage and diffuse, despite the fact that she and her husband are wealthy and we are not. When our kids were little, if my kids tried a sport, her kids tried it too, and they were better. Maybe they were. I don't really care. So what if her husband feels compelled to buy a pitching machine and set it up in a tool shed on their farm. I feel like their competitiveness has always been rubbed in our face. After trying many sports that we felt societal pressure to try, my boys finally settled into a sport they really loved, karate. They were passionate about it. Well, guess what ... sis' kids were enrolled in karate and testing for higher belts. Really? Yeah, your kid is testing for black belt after doing this for 6 months? Really? Whatever. In the college search, we were careful in looking for schools that would match ds' temperament. We knew that a small school was best for him. When I mentioned where ds was going, all my sis could do was talk about was how that was well and good for my (unsocialized homeschooler) son who obviously needed such an environment, but it would not be good enough for their (more brilliant, more outgoing, more everything) children. If I post pictures of my family on facebook, she posts one where everyone is in color coordinated outfits. Our family doesn't take many vacations. In the past few years, we have taken a couple of bigger (for us) vacations as a sort-of last hurrah, knowing that we probably won't have many more opportunities as our boys will be busy with their college lives and jobs. We aren't unhappy with that arrangement. Sure, we would love to have experienced more national parks as a family, but that is life. Well, sis and her hubby can afford several big vacations a year (one of which would take us several years to save for.) If I mention something about a trip on facebook, she is talking about their even more extravagant vacation all over fb. She is even competitive about who has more fun. So, last week, I posted some of our most recent vacation pictures. We had some cool pics from whitewater rafting. Well, she had to post her white-water rafting pictures and, guess what, everyone in the raft was color coordinated. I just about laughed, but I also felt like it was just another example of her competitiveness. My pics were fun, but hers were simply better. I want off this treadmill. I don't want to play this game. I want to live my life and be happy and be happy for her. It is really hard to do so when she shoves this stuff in my face. I want to call her and say "Okay, I get it. You win. You have the "better, richer, more fun" life. Can we stop this?" I'm really not looking for advice. I will continue to do what I have been doing "Oh that's nice. Beautiful pic. Looks like that was fun." and pass the bean dip. I just needed to get that off my chest. BTW, I really do love my sis. I just miss the easygoing relationship we used to have when we were younger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 (((hugs))) That sounds awful. I am so sorry! I have to admit, though, that I'd pay big $$ to be a fly on the wall when/if you called her and said just that (The 'OK, I get it, You win . . .' lines) I can only imagine her face. What could she possibly say? Of course, you'd be wiser to continue the "pass the bean dip" approach. Honestly, it sounds to me like she is bitterly jealous of something about your life. She must have some serious pain to be so competitive and unkind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I want to call her and say "Okay, I get it. You win. You have the "better, richer, more fun" life. Can we stop this?"Unfortunately some people don't seem to have the ability to stop.My late paternal grandma was kind of similar. Have to compete all the way to how grand her funeral was going to be. One of my paternal uncle and his wife behaves the same way. Luckily the rest of my paternal relatives are competitive but not in this manner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 *You* are not playing this silly game. It's being played *at* you. Why comment? Why not hide her annoying post from your feed and carry on? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 How frustrating. :grouphug: Your sister sounds like a really unhappy person. IME, people who are happy with life are able to be happy for others and don't act the way your sister is acting. Sounds like she has the makings of a wonderful life, and yet it doesn't appear that she's enjoying it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Oh, that stinks Ellen. (((hugs))) I have a friend like that and, fwiw, she is kind of a miserable person. It would feel pretty bad to be constantly comparing your house/car/vacation/shoes/clothes/food/vacation/etc. to those of your family and friends. It must be exhausting, and with smart phones and social media these things can be in our faces on a daily basis. <sigh> It's really perfectly fine for you to hide her from your FB news feed for a while. I've done that with a few people. No harm done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 (((hugs))) That sounds awful. I am so sorry! I have to admit, though, that I'd pay big $$ to be a fly on the wall when/if you called her and said just that (The 'OK, I get it, You win . . .' lines) I can only imagine her face. What could she possibly say? Of course, you'd be wiser to continue the "pass the bean dip" approach. Honestly, it sounds to me like she is bitterly jealous of something about your life. She must have some serious pain to be so competitive and unkind. This. You're a good sister, whether she knows it or not. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhotoGal Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Ugh. This would be so frustrating! I have the feeling that even if you did confront her, she would probably act like she doesn't know what you are talking about (just based on experience with other similar people). Do you think she felt inferior to you as kids and is now trying to prove something? It is sad that she seems so desperate to one-up you. Honestly, if it was happening to me, I would probably stop telling the person anything we were up to. So if my kids took up a new sport, I would never mention it. I would also take a break from Facebook for sure. Hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lailasmum Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I think if it's is super annoying then like Photogal suggested you could just stop sharing. You could also unfriend her on facebook. She might get the message if she realises but I suspect she won't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I can beat that! Just kidding, I can't, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I too have a sister whom I love but who is very competitive when it comes to our kids. The only thing it accomplishes is making her (and possibly her kids) stressed and unhappy. The only thing I can think of to do is stop occasionally sharing accomplishments of my kids. I don't know how to do this and still be in a sisterly relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandylubug Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 She sounds sorely jealous! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Honestly, it sounds to me like she is bitterly jealous of something about your life. She must have some serious pain to be so competitive and unkind. This. How sad for her, and I also agree with the comment that it must be exhausting for her to try to always do better. How sad for her, and how aggravating for you. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 That sounds obnoxious. To avoid giving her ammunition, I would adjust your Facebook privacy and list settings and prevent her from seeing photos and other posts that might launch another round of the "Oh yeah? Well, OUR family ______" game. I used that feature recently to prevent a family member from seeing certain photos that may have upset him. Or you could just block her from reading anything on your wall. That wouldn't solve the real problem, though. Have you ever talked about it with her before? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Halftime Hope Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Can you call her or visit or whatever you all do, but just listen while she prattles on and on? If she is all about her, she probably won't notice very often--and even then only fleetingly--that you've stopped telling her about your life. Since I have a bit of snark going on, I'd probably think up some fun things to mention that mean nothing to me, just to see if she copy cats them.: "I've started a cactus garden--it's so much fun because it only has to watered once a month and the blooms are so rare. I love the endless variety, and it can be quite a challenge to get them to grow in this area. Blah, blah, soil, blah, blah, humidity....." (Then imagine her watching daily to see if her cacti have grown.) When that bit of fun has run itself out, how about a mushroom garden? LOL! I'd also practice really vague answers on anything that's important to you, and keep asking her about Suzy, Johnny, and Billy. Sorry, Ellen, I'm not much help. I'm a bit raw about the topic of competitiveness right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Some people never get out of their childhood relationships with siblings, so if she felt overshadowed by you as a child or if she got self-worth from over-shadowing you, either way, it sounds like it's still manifesting. If you block her on FB and don't comment when she posts, it will probably escalate things in the relationship. I would just keep doing what you are doing and try to disengage from it emotionally. Keep not playing the game outwardly and work on letting it roll off inwardly. It's not about you; it's her stuff. Getting a black belt in 6 months is the equivalent of saying my Kool Aid is better than your wine because it takes less time to manufacture. There is no such thing as a 6 month black belt in a real studio. It takes years and it's supposed to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I would just hide her fb posts. You can go back and look at her page and look through old posts just to get an update. But when you go back you won't be looking at her posts in juxtaposition to yours so the comparison/competition will not be as obvious. I'm sure you sister is actually very unhappy. That seems to be the way with people who are competitive with their childrens' performance. However, her need to justify her life is hurting you so just hide her posts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 On the other hand you could come with some bizarre sport that your dc can fictionally get involved in. "suzie and joe are really doing well with mud wrestling--looks like they will be moving up a level next week." And laugh when your sister actually finds a place that offers mud wrestling to children and signs her kids up. Maybe that would be mean. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Color coordinating your outfits to go white water rafting . . . :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kahlanne Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I agree she is lacking something in her life to make her this competitive. I have a dear cousin-in-law that outwardly seemed to have the best life. Perfect house, perfect kids, money to blow through, etc. She never was obnoxious about it but there was a vast difference in her lifestyle and mine. When we would shop together I had to worry if a $10 toy at walmart fit our budget and here she was tossing in stuff left and right into hers without a glance. Her husband and her bought extravagant "toys" consistently, jewelry, four wheelers, guns, etc. We are from the south and hunting is his thing. Long story short, even though she had everything better than most, she wasn't truly happy. She never put on airs or made anyone feel like she was "one-uping" them and seemed happy but inside she wasn't. Years later, her eldest son became sick with cancer and later passed away. I knew this would destroy their marriage but God helped them through it and pulled there marriage together. She will tell everyone that now she is happier than she has ever been. The only thing that could be better is having Brent here as well. She still has more monetary things than most but honestly it is somehow different. She looks at them differently and doesn't buy to own but to enjoy. Even though she never put on airs, you can feel a difference in her true happiness. I know this is different than your sister but I just wanted to point out that while it may seem like someone is truly happy and has it all, many times that isn't the case deep inside. My cousin always told me she was jealous of mine and dh's relationship. We fought like cats and dogs at the time but loved each other with everything. (fights were loud arguments not physical) We were married at 17 and 19 and had lots of maturing to do. Anyway, I couldn't imagine and cried many times because as much as I loved her, I was jealous of what she had. Now I see the errors of my ways. Be content with what you have and know that even if your sister never changes, there is something missing in her life that hopefully one day she will find. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I agree with PPs who said to hide her on FB. Sorry you have to deal with this. It would be frustrating and hurtful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 :grouphug: I hear you. I had that with my own sister. I ended up severing contact for awhile, and now we have occasional contact. I was sending e-mails at the time to try and keep my family up to date on what we were doing - and she went off the deep end when I said where 1dd was going to college. (also very carefully considered about where would be best *for her*.) I had dh's family members asking who the lunatic was as she replied all for her rant. having stepped back - I was able to see she wasn't the one who was driving the competition. My grandmother was, and my sister was her (willing, but clueless to what was really happening) pawn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Well I'm on Facebook, and I read it so I know some of the general stuff that's going on with people. And other than commenting on other people's stuff, I generally post maybe once or twice a year. Creating stuff for Facebook would take time and maybe consistency, then I'd have to check back and see if anyone commented on it, right? Then there's all those privacy issues. I guess I don't see the benefit for me/my family in doing all the posting. Although there IS some benefit to dropping in once a week or so to see what everyone else is doing. I guess I'm just musing as to what the appeal is. I usually share our family activities etc. when I talk to relatives/friends on the phone, so Facebook is kind of redundant? Except for people who don't know us that well, in which case, it's...unnecessary? I guess I'm just not sold on the benefits of it. To the topic: aside from it playing out on Facebook, so sorry about this! Sisters should behave better. But it probably fills an empty space inside her is my guess. (It's like having the friend who copies you but goes over the top with it.) :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted August 20, 2013 Author Share Posted August 20, 2013 Ugh. This would be so frustrating! I have the feeling that even if you did confront her, she would probably act like she doesn't know what you are talking about (just based on experience with other similar people). Do you think she felt inferior to you as kids and is now trying to prove something? It is sad that she seems so desperate to one-up you. Exactly. She would never admit to it if I confronted her. I tried in the past and she accused me of sour grapes. (I really don't want her life. No amount of money would make her husband tolerable to me for more than a couple of hours. He is competitive, too.) To be honest, I don't think she is even aware of what she is doing. Can you call her or visit or whatever you all do, but just listen while she prattles on and on? If she is all about her, she probably won't notice very often--and even then only fleetingly--that you've stopped telling her about your life. Since I have a bit of snark going on, I'd probably think up some fun things to mention that mean nothing to me, just to see if she copy cats them.: "I've started a cactus garden--it's so much fun because it only has to watered once a month and the blooms are so rare. I love the endless variety, and it can be quite a challenge to get them to grow in this area. Blah, blah, soil, blah, blah, humidity....." (Then imagine her watching daily to see if her cacti have grown.) When that bit of fun has run itself out, how about a mushroom garden? LOL! I'd also practice really vague answers on anything that's important to you, and keep asking her about Suzy, Johnny, and Billy. Sorry, Ellen, I'm not much help. I'm a bit raw about the topic of competitiveness right now. It's not so much that she copies me, but that she always has something better. She subtly puts down our choices and then talks about how her choices are great. I guess I want the moon ... a normal relationship with her ... one where I don't have to hide. Some people never get out of their childhood relationships with siblings, so if she felt overshadowed by you as a child or if she got self-worth from over-shadowing you, either way, it sounds like it's still manifesting. If you block her on FB and don't comment when she posts, it will probably escalate things in the relationship. I would just keep doing what you are doing and try to disengage from it emotionally. Keep not playing the game outwardly and work on letting it roll off inwardly. It's not about you; it's her stuff. Getting a black belt in 6 months is the equivalent of saying my Kool Aid is better than your wine because it takes less time to manufacture. There is no such thing as a 6 month black belt in a real studio. It takes years and it's supposed to. My husband thinks that she harbors some resentment toward me from childhood. Not saying that it can't be true, but I really don't understand that angle. She was the baby in a family of 6 kids. In may ways, she was the favorite kid. She's 4 years younger than me and outshone me at every turn (as much as you can with that age gap.) I was the shy kid, she was outgoing. I never learned to throw a ball like a boy, she was a star softball and basketball player (thus earning the approval of dad who didn't really know what to do with girls who didn't play "his sports.") I was the frustrated ballerina (because there supposedly wasn't any money to take lessons) and the frustrated gymnast (who grew too tall.) I was a bed-wetter who was socially awkward and thus an embarrassment to the family. She had a huge circle of friends. I was the disorganized one who got good grades by just being smart; she was the neatnik who was smart AND organized. I really don't get the competition. She won when she was a kid. I bowed out of that competition ages ago. On the other hand you could come with some bizarre sport that your dc can fictionally get involved in. "suzie and joe are really doing well with mud wrestling--looks like they will be moving up a level next week." And laugh when your sister actually finds a place that offers mud wrestling to children and signs her kids up. Maybe that would be mean. Funny. It's not that she copies me, it is that she always has something better and needs to make sure I know. Color coordinating your outfits to go white water rafting . . . :lol: Actually, she didn't color-coordinate the outfits. The rafting company had everyone wear jackets, life vests and helmets that happened to be color coordinated. I have to admit it is effective branding (and makes it easy to spot people who get thrown overboard,) but I laughed to myself that only my sis would find a rafting company that color coordinated (even if it was unintentional.) At least ours looked more authentic because we all were dressed like real people and were actually struggling to stay in the raft on our pic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Could you still be friends with her on FB but turn off "following her." She'll still be trying to one up you, but at least you won't see it. I've had to do that before and it makes a world of difference. My passive aggressive side would be really temped to get the most clashing outfits we own, stage a horrible, unflattering picture and post it, just for some fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Could she be trying to prove herself too you or impress you? Is this a younger sister or one who looked to you for approval? Just wondering, what if you were really encouraging about the stuff she and her family did that was different then what you've done? Just "like" the copycat stuff but gush about the original stuff, even phone her up to ask her questions about it. I don't think she's automatically miserable but it may be that she needs approval and even some admiration from you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Honestly, it sounds to me like she is bitterly jealous of something about your life. She must have some serious pain to be so competitive and unkind. Sounds like she has the makings of a wonderful life, and yet it doesn't appear that she's enjoying it. It must be exhausting for you to put up with all that. The above comments are so true. I can only share some wise words my mother gave me when I was very angry with someone dysfunctional. "Don't be angry, just be sad for them." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saddlemomma Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 You know, when I think about everything you've written, I get this sense that the roles are reversed. Have you ever asked yourself why when you do something your sister is trying to outdo you? I truly believe it's because she feels inadequate compared to you. She seems to have this need to constantly measure herself against you. Why? IMHO it's because she feels inferior to you. You're obviously happy with your life and have a loving family. Maybe she recognizes something in your family dynamic that's missing in hers so she's trying to show you that, yeah, everything in my family is just as good if not better than yours. My mom and her sister have the same thing going. My mom tells her sister what we kids are doing or have accomplished and then my aunt has to top it. It's so bad that my aunt competes about how her elderly issues are worse than my mother's. It's just sad and makes my mom not want to talk with her. My mom is going to be 76 this month and her sister will be 80, I think. That's just sad that it's gone on this long. My advice to you would be to just ignore it and enjoy your family and celebrate what you do together. Let her be competitive if she wants -- you don't have to participate in that and laugh it off. You are doing something right. Those who need to compete in that way feel they are lacking something that you have and want to "prove" that they're just as good or have what you have. In other words, take her competitiveness as a compliment that you're doing something right! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 [quote name="gardenmom5" post="5146941" timestamp=" <snip> having stepped back - I was able to see she wasn't the one who was driving the competition. My grandmother was, and my sister was her (willing, but clueless to what was really happening) pawn. Something similar happened to me. I've had to disconnect from both parties. My fb page is MY space. If I don't like something there, it's gone. Being family (or in-law) doesn't automatically earn someone a spot on my friends list. Sorry for what you're enduring, Ellen. It's mentally exhausting. If you don't want to unfriendly, do try hiding her feed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 :grouphug: Can you call her or visit or whatever you all do, but just listen while she prattles on and on? If she is all about her, she probably won't notice very often--and even then only fleetingly--that you've stopped telling her about your life. ... I'd also practice really vague answers on anything that's important to you, and keep asking her about Suzy, Johnny, and Billy. Sorry, Ellen, I'm not much help. I'm a bit raw about the topic of competitiveness right now. This is how I've handled the competitive family members in my life. Not to say it's the best way, just that it's what at least one other person tried. We can't change other people's actions, but we can change the way we react to them. I *know* that my family member will act this way, so I plan on it, and try to minimize the ammunition I give to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Exactly. She would never admit to it if I confronted her. I tried in the past and she accused me of sour grapes. (I really don't want her life. No amount of money would make her husband tolerable to me for more than a couple of hours. He is competitive, too.) To be honest, I don't think she is even aware of what she is doing. It's not so much that she copies me, but that she always has something better. She subtly puts down our choices and then talks about how her choices are great. I guess I want the moon ... a normal relationship with her ... one where I don't have to hide. My husband thinks that she harbors some resentment toward me from childhood. Not saying that it can't be true, but I really don't understand that angle. She was the baby in a family of 6 kids. In may ways, she was the favorite kid. She's 4 years younger than me and outshone me at every turn (as much as you can with that age gap.) I was the shy kid, she was outgoing. I never learned to throw a ball like a boy, she was a star softball and basketball player (thus earning the approval of dad who didn't really know what to do with girls who didn't play "his sports.") I was the frustrated ballerina (because there supposedly wasn't any money to take lessons) and the frustrated gymnast (who grew too tall.) I was a bed-wetter who was socially awkward and thus an embarrassment to the family. She had a huge circle of friends. I was the disorganized one who got good grades by just being smart; she was the neatnik who was smart AND organized. I really don't get the competition. She won when she was a kid. I bowed out of that competition ages ago. Funny. It's not that she copies me, it is that she always has something better and needs to make sure I know. Actually, she didn't color-coordinate the outfits. The rafting company had everyone wear jackets, life vests and helmets that happened to be color coordinated. I have to admit it is effective branding (and makes it easy to spot people who get thrown overboard,) but I laughed to myself that only my sis would find a rafting company that color coordinated (even if it was unintentional.) At least ours looked more authentic because we all were dressed like real people and were actually struggling to stay in the raft on our pic. It is not always easy to be the favored child, or the child who always shines. It creates a need to outdo everyone all the time especially siblings. I doubt she is bitter...more likely scared and unhappy although she doesn't realize it. If you can see her as the scared little girl she probably is it will make her easier to tolerate. She reminds me of a neighbor I had in my old life. She is super high achieving and I obviously am not. And yet she seemed to want parts of my life. Heck I think she even homeschooled her super high achieving kids for a few years because I hs. The best you can do is vent here and not take it personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Is this a younger sister or one who looked to you for approval? it may be that she needs approval and even some admiration from you. speaking from experience here. "approval" never works to make someone happy. my sister bent over backwards trying to win "approval" from my grandmother (who was *very* jealous of her own sisters - and me on behalf of my sister). It. doesn't. work. peace and real happiness comes from within, no one can give it to us. what is happening is competition, and it is because of dissatisfaction in her own life. (maybe she doesn't tolerate her dh that well either. ;) ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 :banghead: Ugh, I imagine her behavior gets pretty old, but at least you are first! No, I don't know, imitation is the best form of flattery; maybe you should start posting ridiculous things and see if she has to out-do them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 It is not always easy to be the favored child, or the child who always shines. It creates a need to outdo everyone all the time especially siblings. I doubt she is bitter...more likely scared and unhappy although she doesn't realize it. If you can see her as the scared little girl she probably is it will make her easier to tolerate. She reminds me of a neighbor I had in my old life. She is super high achieving and I obviously am not. And yet she seemed to want parts of my life. Heck I think she even homeschooled her super high achieving kids for a few years because I hs. The best you can do is vent here and not take it personally. Oh and my neighbor has two smart kids...her dd tested out near genius....her son, although smart is no where near as smart as my son. Her son has always felt the need to impress and excel over my ds even if it means lying! It is beyond nuts. We got a new 42 inch tv....he told ds theirs is a 43 inch. Ds scored 98 percentile on a standardized test...he told ds he scored 99 percentile. It gets really old for ds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Someone made a *really* good point about another person in the family possibly driving the "competition." We've experienced that in our family. It took years to realize what was going on, and it's still something that we have to actively consider when certain relationships are hard. My mil creates this feeling between her adult children by always talking up the siblings but never encouraging the one speaking to her. For a very long time, it was a very effective way to bring the kids closer to her as they divided amongst themselves. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Just a note about being the shining one when younger...that was me. Not socially so much, but academically, which is what counted in my family. I really had alot to deal with in my 20s, because I had so much self-worth tied into outside achievement - and outside achievement is so fragile. It's like you are in constant stress and fear that you are secretly worth nothing if you don't have these measuring sticks. Yuck. Grateful that I worked through that and tossed it to the side. Clearly your sister hasn't been able to do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mirth Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 We live within our means. Our kids really haven't wanted for anything. We really are very thankful for our good fortune and we really don't feel envy of our siblings. We made choices that allowed me to stay home. Others made different choices. It's all good, right? Is the above too long for to be a mood on Facebook? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 It's hard to have someone like that in your life, especially someone you love and want to be close to. That type of competitiveness usually always comes from a deep sense of insecurity and inadequacy. This probably has very little to do with you or your family but everything to do with her trying to gain a sense of self worth. I agree she is probably very jealous of you. There's probably not much you can do other than let it go in one ear and out the other, and when that gets too difficult, come here and vent. This is exactly the reason I deactivated my Facebook. It's just that Facebook is always there, right in your face. It would probably be easier to just hide her, but in my case she would want to know why I didn't know all about their latest adventure that she posted on Facebook, and I would get caught. After a breather, I will probably reactivate my account, but I'm enjoying the peace. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted August 20, 2013 Author Share Posted August 20, 2013 Just a note about being the shining one when younger...that was me. Not socially so much, but academically, which is what counted in my family. I really had alot to deal with in my 20s, because I had so much self-worth tied into outside achievement - and outside achievement is so fragile. It's like you are in constant stress and fear that you are secretly worth nothing if you don't have these measuring sticks. Yuck. Grateful that I worked through that and tossed it to the side. Clearly your sister hasn't been able to do that. Interesting ... what you said is much more ME than her. I strove for academic achievement because I wasn't good at anything else that mattered to anyone. That was my avenue for approval-seeking. "Why wasn't that B (the only one of my grade school career) an A? If you hadn't procrastinated, you would have gotten a better grade." I was the one who lived in fear of failure all the time. To be honest, I was envious of her as a kid because she was always so perfect. She was the one who's room was always neat and tidy. She was the one who always got her work done ahead of time. Yep, my parents did comparisons all the time. At 12 years old, it stung to be compared unfavorably to someone who was only 8. She was the full package. I was the nerd. When we became adults, I realized how messed up I was and got help. I stepped off that treadmill of looking for outside approval. For a while, the competitiveness stopped. Then we had kids. Maybe I fed it early on in my defensiveness about our counter-cultural choices (b-feeding, family bed, positive discipline, homeschooling.) But, I life taught me a few lessons in being less defensive and learned how to "pass the bean dip." But she has kept up this subtle criticism of everything - down to making a pronouncement that only the high end granite was good enough for her, not the less expensive granite, despite knowing that I had just put in laminate countertops because that was all we could afford. Dh jokingly told me "It must be because you are the pretty one ... but, then again, I'm biased." :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsmith Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 I have a similar issue with my sister. Ds has Aspergers, and can be difficult at times. Most people will not realize we are having any kind of issue with him at all, as it is usually quite low key. He is very comfortable with my sister and is more likely to act out when she is around, where he would clam up around strangers. Whatever the minor issue we may be having, my sister will always comment on how her dd would never get away with that. If I say yes to something ds may be bugging me for, she makes a big production out of denying the same thing to her dd if she then asks for the same thing. It could be something silly, like a medium soda at the movie theater, where I usually only let him get a small. He'll ask a few times for the larger size, and occasionally I'll say yes. Inevitably her dd will ask for the large size, and sis will make a production out of saying no, lol. She will then go on to discuss how they are watching how much sugar they eat and list all the healthy things her dd eats. It's kind of ridiculous because I know what their real eating habits are, and she has nothing to brag about. The other day in the car ds told me to stop bugging him about something or other. He was quite rude, but I could tell he was on the edge of a possible meltdown, partially due to his cousin playing her (entirely inappropriate for a 11 year old) music very loudly. I told him we would have a discussion when we got home and to please put his headphones on for the rest of the ride. I then had to hear how her daughter wouldn't talk to her like that, blah blah blah... Not 5 minutes later her dd told her to shut up, lol. I would never consider commenting on her daughter's behavior, but it was difficult not to comment! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 DH's sister is like this. We simply don't play back. She still doesn't "get" it and thinks she wins, but we don't care. She *thinks* Her kids are smarter Her degree is more important She has a more important job/career She makes more money Blah, Blah, Blah we let her think the above because we simply won't engage. Period. It is still annoying as anything, but we walk away without needing to feel that we had to compete in any way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OK Family Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 In the same situation. I just don't post on Facebook. I don't even go on Facebook anymore. I still communicate with sibling of course. I'm sorry I know how it feels... however I really try and focus on my kids being grateful on what they do have or get to do. My kids don't have IPads or kindle fire, they did create their own iPads out of cardboard and they have a Lego laptop my oldest constructed. They use their creativity to make what they want and I find they are very content with it! I'm so proud of my kids! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Kill with kindness. ;)It's not my sister, and that makes a difference. One hopes for a closer sibling relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Ellen... :grouphug: I have a couple relatives like this... Thankfully they're not close family, and I rarely have to see them, not even connected on FB. It would be much more difficult with a sibling. No advice, just know that you're secure in your own life and choices! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
msjones Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Oh my. I got tired just reading about her! Have you tried talking to her about it? Would she care how she's making you feel and how she's straining the relationship? It might be worth an awkward conversation. Not sure it would make things much worse Sorry she's so obnoxious. Poor thing. Something's eating her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 :grouphug: she does sound exhausting. sounds like you have tried to bow out of the competition in real life, but that she is stalking your fb statuses to one-up you. What about limiting what she can see posted by you? I'd block most of your posts, but the boring ones from her sight so she can't compete. so sorry, stinky situation to have with your own sister. I had a sis in law who had to brag about everything in her life and never listened to anything you said or even let you finish a sentence. I found peace (and amusement) but giving up and just lavishing compliments and or sympathy on her -whichever her story needed. It made her feel good and lessened stress for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 Color coordinating your outfits to go white water rafting . . . :lol::lol: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing! Control freak much??? :eek: It sounds like the sister is putting on a big performance (complete with coordinating costumes :rolleyes:) to show how incredibly happy and wonderful her life is.... and I can't help but wonder if it really is nothing more than a show. She's trying way too hard to make people think her life is perfect and her kids are perfect and even her vacations are perfect. That leads me to believe that she is probably nowhere near as happy as she's trying to appear. Happy people aren't usually that ultra-competitive about every little thing, and they are happy for others when they have fun -- they don't try to one-up them instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 A little background ...I try not to compare myself to other people. As an adult re-reading the Little House books, I really saw Ma Ingalls wisdom when she warned Laura that comparing oneself to others leads to discontentment. I really try not to do so within my own family. Most of my siblings are more successful financially than dh and I. We're not complaining; we are doing fine. Dh makes a decent salary. We live within our means. Our kids really haven't wanted for anything. We really are very thankful for our good fortune and we really don't feel envy of our siblings. We made choices that allowed me to stay home. Others made different choices. It's all good, right? But, I have this sister who is so competitive with me, despite my attempts to disengage and diffuse, despite the fact that she and her husband are wealthy and we are not. When our kids were little, if my kids tried a sport, her kids tried it too, and they were better. Maybe they were. I don't really care. So what if her husband feels compelled to buy a pitching machine and set it up in a tool shed on their farm. I feel like their competitiveness has always been rubbed in our face. After trying many sports that we felt societal pressure to try, my boys finally settled into a sport they really loved, karate. They were passionate about it. Well, guess what ... sis' kids were enrolled in karate and testing for higher belts. Really? Yeah, your kid is testing for black belt after doing this for 6 months? Really? Whatever. In the college search, we were careful in looking for schools that would match ds' temperament. We knew that a small school was best for him. When I mentioned where ds was going, all my sis could do was talk about was how that was well and good for my (unsocialized homeschooler) son who obviously needed such an environment, but it would not be good enough for their (more brilliant, more outgoing, more everything) children. If I post pictures of my family on facebook, she posts one where everyone is in color coordinated outfits. Our family doesn't take many vacations. In the past few years, we have taken a couple of bigger (for us) vacations as a sort-of last hurrah, knowing that we probably won't have many more opportunities as our boys will be busy with their college lives and jobs. We aren't unhappy with that arrangement. Sure, we would love to have experienced more national parks as a family, but that is life. Well, sis and her hubby can afford several big vacations a year (one of which would take us several years to save for.) If I mention something about a trip on facebook, she is talking about their even more extravagant vacation all over fb. She is even competitive about who has more fun. So, last week, I posted some of our most recent vacation pictures. We had some cool pics from whitewater rafting. Well, she had to post her white-water rafting pictures and, guess what, everyone in the raft was color coordinated. I just about laughed, but I also felt like it was just another example of her competitiveness. My pics were fun, but hers were simply better. I want off this treadmill. I don't want to play this game. I want to live my life and be happy and be happy for her. It is really hard to do so when she shoves this stuff in my face. I want to call her and say "Okay, I get it. You win. You have the "better, richer, more fun" life. Can we stop this?" I'm really not looking for advice. I will continue to do what I have been doing "Oh that's nice. Beautiful pic. Looks like that was fun." and pass the bean dip. I just needed to get that off my chest. BTW, I really do love my sis. I just miss the easygoing relationship we used to have when we were younger. Lol at the "everyone in the raft was color-coordinated". Now that takes some doing! Sorry that happened. Maybe in a good moment you can ask her why it seems that she competes with you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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