Oneupmanship vent!

[QuirkyKapers]

My inquiring mind want's to know, did it really look like they had been white water rafting in their color coordinated outfits are do you think it was just staged?

:grouphug:   I would block on fb for awhile.  Sounds like you stepped off the treadmill, and she doesn't know how to step off of hers. 

[Parrothead]

I'm sorry.  I'm dealing with a different aspect of family, but I can totally understand your frustration.  Hugs.

[swellmomma]

:grouphug:  Okay you never asked for advice but lots have given it.  Personally since she uses fb as a way to "prove" how much better she is I would just unfriend her on fb.  She can't try to one up what you post because she won't see it and you aren't stuck watching her rub everything in your face. 

My sister is this way to an extent though not to the extreme you posted.  I rarely speak to her anymore, I have her on restricted access on my fb etc.  Family social gatherings I limit depending on how much she will be there.  NOw it is not just for the one upping I have done that, she is just a toxic person in general, but the one upping was like her way of rubbing salt in the wounds she was causing other ways.  You may not feel the need to fully exclude this person, just putting limitations on where they can do this, such as not on your fb feed.

[Belacqua]

My inquiring mind want's to know, did it really look like they had been white water rafting in their color coordinated outfits are do you think it was just staged?

 

Oh, good point! Maybe it's like those posed We Went Over Niagara Falls in a Barrel photos. You'll know when she posts pictures of the family riding the Mars Rover in color-coordinated space suits.

 

I agree with so many others that humoring her may be your most peaceful option. Sounds like she hasn't noticed that not only are you not still holding the rope, you never picked it up in the first place.

 

Of course, the temptation for me would be to start posting absurd achievements in non-existent fields. Your kids just got A-triple-pluses in their Granular Geometry class. And one of them made sectionals in Latvian Rope Climbing. I'd love to see how her kids have done better.

[kwg]

Exactly. She would never admit to it if I confronted her.  I tried in the past and she accused me of sour grapes.  (I really don't want her life.  No amount of money would make her husband tolerable to me for more than a couple of hours.  He is competitive, too.)  To be honest, I don't think she is even aware of what she is doing. 

 

 

It's not so much that she copies me, but that she always has something better.  She subtly puts down our choices and then talks about how her choices are great.     I guess I want the moon ... a normal relationship with her ... one where I don't have to hide. 

My husband thinks that she harbors some resentment toward me from childhood.  Not saying that it can't be true, but I really don't understand that angle.  She was the baby in a family of 6 kids.  In may ways, she was the favorite kid.  She's 4 years younger than me and outshone me at every turn (as much as you can with that age gap.)  I was the shy kid, she was outgoing.  I never learned to throw a ball like a boy, she was a star softball and basketball player (thus earning the approval of dad who didn't really know what to do with girls who didn't play "his sports.")  I was the frustrated ballerina (because there supposedly wasn't any money to take lessons) and the frustrated gymnast (who grew too tall.)  I was a bed-wetter who was socially awkward and thus an embarrassment to the family.  She had a huge circle of friends.  I was the disorganized one who got good grades by just being smart; she was the neatnik who was smart AND organized.  I really don't get the competition.  She won when she was a kid.  I bowed out of that competition ages ago. 

 

 

 

 

Have you ever told her this? Not in a great-big-discussion-kind of way...but just casually or something?   Just- growing up I was jealous of you b/c of blah blah blah.....I wonder if you "gave" that to her she would lighten up? I don't know.  I never had to deal with that but that is what I thought of when I read that. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

BTW, it isn't really a FB issue.  That is just how I "see" her the most lately.  She is like this in person, too.  I like seeing what my niece and nephew are up to.  I do want to have a relationship with her.  I just need to vent on occasion so that I can go back and kill her with kindness:). 

[PrairieSong]

Wow I'm sorry. I hope the venting makes you feel better. She sounds incredibly unhappy underneath all the glamour.

[myfunnybunch]

It sounds like the sister is putting on a big performance (complete with coordinating costumes :rolleyes:) to show how incredibly happy and wonderful her life is.... and I can't help but wonder if it really is nothing more than a show.

 

She's trying way too hard to make people think her life is perfect and her kids are perfect and even her vacations are perfect. That leads me to believe that she is probably nowhere near as happy as she's trying to appear. Happy people aren't usually that ultra-competitive about every little thing, and they are happy for others when they have fun -- they don't try to one-up them instead.

 

This was my exact thought when I read the OP. It made me feel sorry for the sister, to feel the need to always be comparing to others and be "better than" instead of being able to relax and be content. That level of insecurity has got to be exhausting.

 

Cat

[Mrs Mungo]

I thought of this thread when I saw the article below this morning:

 

http://www.npr.org/blogs/alltechconsidered/2013/08/19/213568763/researchers-facebook-makes-us-sadder-and-less-satisfied?utm_source=NPR&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=20130820

[suzybluecheese]

I thought of this thread when I saw the article below this morning:

 

http://www.npr.org/blogs/alltechconsidered/2013/08/19/213568763/researchers-facebook-makes-us-sadder-and-less-satisfied?utm_source=NPR&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=20130820

You beat me to it! I just read this same article and thought of this thread. I came here to link it.

[gardenmom5]

the color-coordinated rafting outfits got me thinking of an experience a friend had while working as a river guide in college.  a woman from NYC brought a cocktail dress.  seriously. on a five day/four night raft trip.  he thinks she'd never really been outside a/the city before that trip.

[HSmomof2]

No advice.....just :grouphug: . This is my relationship with my sister as well. Although, it is primarily fueled by my mother. It is so tiring and irritating. I've also tried 'talking' with her & my mom about it. Just gets flipped around to me having the problem. So, I try to ignore it as much as possible....unfortunately, they both live within 3 miles of us. I've been changing my privacy settings on Facebook recently and not giving them access to all my posts.

[Alice]

I hear you. I’m an only child but dh’s entire family does this to some extent. With them it isn’t so much competitive but that everything and I mean everything has to be a superlative. So it’s either “the best†“the biggest†or alternatively “the highest fever the ER ever saw†“the worst storm to hit†etc. 

 

You didn’t ask for advice and there probably isn’t any. She’ll always be this way and it will always bug you. 

 

The way I deal with it is to internally complete their stories in my head. So and so is telling about a dental procedure and I finish in my head the sentence with “it was the worst root canal the oral surgeon had ever seenâ€. Or whatever. 99.9% of the time they say what I’m thinking which leave me internally amused and a little less annoyed. Dh isn’t like this so much, I think I’ve saved him. :) It’s funny though because he never saw it until I pointed it out and now at a family gathering someone will be telling a story and get to the point where they are the best/strongest/fastest and he and I will just look at each other. 

[texasmama]

(((hugs)))  Horrible.  Just horrible.

 

I think you should put her on ignore on FB.  I think you will be happier for it.

 

[hillfarm]

So, last week, I posted some of our most recent vacation pictures.  We had some cool pics from whitewater rafting.  Well, she had to post her white-water rafting pictures and, guess what, everyone in the raft was color coordinated.  I just about laughed, but I also felt like it was just another example of her competitiveness.  My pics were fun, but hers were simply better.

We do quite a bit of white water. I used to work at a raft/kayak/canoe livery so I consider myself a "dyed in the mud" river rat. No offense to you or your sister, but we snicker quite a bit behind the backs of people who come to the river all color coordinated. She may not be impressing the rest of the world quite as much as she would like to think nor as much as she would like you to think.

 

Ignore her and go on with your life. Be aware though, that by withholding your admiration and envy, she might be inspired to reach for new heights to try to impress you.

 

If you are feeling in a kindly mood sometime, perhaps you could calmly tell her that you love her and her family just for themselves. That if they never climbed Mt. Everest again, nor rode elephants through the darkest jungle, nor interpreted Einstein's unpublished notebooks for the rest of the world, that you would still love and respect them anyway. That may be what she is after, and just doesn't know how to do without making it a competition.

 

I can't imagine how tiring it must be to feel that you are constantly coming up short, never good enough, and that you have to do outrageous, over the top things all the time, just to feel good about yourself. Good thing I live in a junky farmhouse at the end of a dirt road where we constantly strive to achieve "adequate" on a good day. And that tires me out plenty!

[Indian summer]

You must have something that she wants, because she is insecure around you for a reason and IME, it's usually jealousy based.

 

 

((((hugs)))). It is so tedious when you just want to enjoy someone's company when they would rather play games.

[swellmomma]

I would totally brag about how your kids are learning the bag pipes and wearing kilts to be authentic and then wait for the picture of the family coordinating kilts and then post it here for us to all see :)

[TammyinTN]

I have this in my family as well....it's really a sad thing.  No advice, but loads of hugs! :grouphug:

[TeaTotaler]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:    I am so sorry that you have to experience this especially with a sibling.  I have seen this dynamic played out and among "friends" and it can be so disheartening. You sound like a fabulous sister!!

[MommaOfalotta]

I have this in a couple different situations, mainly family/what I thought was a good friend. Honestly, I vent to dh but I refuse to play this game.

 

Said family member, myself, and dh were visiting friends together one night and literally everything I said she interrupted me to top it. I kind of laughed (and probably looked confused, lol) It was insanely embarrassing. That situation was so extreme that I know our friends had to have seen it. In those cases, the one-up-er is really just embarrassing themselves.. and showing people all the nonsense you have to put up with.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if other sibs, family, or fb friends have noticed the trend and probably think its ridiculous.

 

Hugs!

[J-rap]

Wow, that's crazy! She sounds very unhappy to me, and jealous of what you have.

[Miss Mousie]

the color-coordinated rafting outfits got me thinking of an experience a friend had while working as a river guide in college.  a woman from NYC brought a cocktail dress.  seriously. on a five day/four night raft trip.  he thinks she'd never really been outside a/the city before that trip.

 

Maybe she thought it would be just like taking a Caribbean cruise.   ;)

[Excelsior! Academy]

Is it possible she is really just clueless?

[Aelwydd]

WTH are people on facebook? No, really? It's evil and it spawns more family feuds than Thanksgiving during an Election year.

 

My advice: quit stupid Facebook, or block the hell out of it, then change your number. She'll get the hint!

[Χά�ων]

I would totally brag about how your kids are learning the bag pipes and wearing kilts to be authentic and then wait for the picture of the family coordinating kilts and then post it here for us to all see :)

 

 

This is what I would do and then make sure to keep upping the anti until she catches on or gives up. Some people are fun to mess with.

[Aelwydd]

Oh, and also it doesn't sound to me like she is trying to compete with you. She must know you concede the obvious, that she has a higher income.

 

To me, it sounds like she's attempting to humiliate you and make you miserable, because she doesn't respect your choices or your priorities. She finds them offensive and her hounding you for every choice you make is her way of seeking to devalue your work and your lifestyle.

 

Which is why I wouldn't hesitate to cease to be her whipping boy and find new and exciting ways to tell her to eff off.

[ktgrok]

AllI can say is we have the same exact sister. sigh...

[Katy]

One of my good friends has a little sister like this.  She cannot see that the sister is ridiculously insecure and insanely jealous of her and always has been. 

 

It sounds to me like you are in the exact same situation.

 

IDK how to deal with it from a sibling...  but I did have a relationship like this with a cousin for a while. I used to revel in making her more jealous when we were teenagers.  It seemed to get a lot better when she started making different choices than me and I made a point to encourage her while saying something to the effect of that I admired her but I totally could not have made that choice, but I was happy and glad that she was happy. When we kept pursuing different paths (her climbing the corporate ladder, me decidedly not), she started to seem more reserved and less judgy. Then when the Newtown shooting happened and she had to drop her children off at school afterwards, she had a much different feeling about homeschooling.  But it's not an option for her - they have too much mortgage, too much debt, too much responsibility, and children that are much more socially than academically oriented. She had a minor panic attack that day. But she's been much more respectful of our choices ever since.  I think she might ask us to home school, but she lives too far away.