BIL getting married, sister died 8 mos ago!

[caroljenn]

OMG My sister passed away March 5 after a two week long battle with cancer. Yes, two weeks- she was obese and her kidneys shut down. It was horrible. Our family was traumatized. My parents have been gone for 12 and 15 years, respectively, and I was very close to my (only) sister. My BIL never left my sister's side when she was in the hospital, never even went home to shower.

 

My brother in law, who was married to my sister for 32 years, (2 grown kids) told me after two months that he was "dating." Now he's officially engaged to this woman. She knows all about my sister, knows how long she's been gone, and she's ok with it. She says she "thanks God every day that (my sister) made BIL the man he is today." Ugh. What kind of woman dates a man who's wife has been dead for two months?

 

What the heck? Am I going crazy or is this all as crazy as it sounds??? My daughter, who always has been very close to my sister and BIL is totally freaked out and doesn't want to see BIL anymore, but I can't just write him off- he is like my own brother, which is apparently why he makes sure to tell me all this stuff. But for Goodness sake!!! She was my SISTER! This is my SISTER'S husband, and my sister's family! Who gets married 8 months after his wife of 32 years dies??

 

How can he think I would be okay with this?

 

What am I supposed to do? Go to dinner and meet this woman who's taking my sister's place, make nice, and try not to cry the whole time? Am I supposed to attend the wedding? I spent all day crying yesterday, I don't know how to handle this at all.

 

What do you think? What would you do? I am completely freaked out. I understand that he's running away, on the rebound, whatever you want to say, but what am I supposed to do? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Thanks for letting me vent. :confused:

[Stacia]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Shawna in Texas]

:grouphug:

 

Some people can't be alone.

 

You support him. He's always going to grieve your sister.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that your grief is great and nothing I can say will make that better. All I can say is that sometimes esp. for men when they've been in a good loving marriage, those are the men who will marry the soonest - not out of disrespect to the deceased wife but because their wife showed them just how good marriage is.

[milovany]

:grouphug:

 

Oh, wow. That sounds rough. I'm curious -- is it possible she told him she wanted him to move on and find someone else in her final days? Like Jean said, if they had a good marriage, which it sounds like they did, they understood how good marriage can be, and perhaps she said she loved him enough to "free" him to find happiness again. If I passed away, I would want that for my husband, if he wanted it too. I can see where that'd be hard, though. :grouphug:

Edited November 3, 2012 by milovaný

[HappyCrazyMama]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that your grief is great and nothing I can say will make that better. All I can say is that sometimes esp. for men when they've been in a good loving marriage, those are the men who will marry the soonest - not out of disrespect to the deceased wife but because their wife showed them just how good marriage is.

:iagree: My grandpa was married within months of my grandmothers death. He said he was just so lonely.:(

 

:grouphug:

[J-rap]

I'm so sorry for your grief and what you went through. It sounds like he was a good, faithful, loving husband to your sister. It does seem fast, but his present relationship is not out of disrespect for your sister. He will always grieve her, as someone else said. Some people just can't be alone. Please don't be too hard on him. I'm sure he misses your sister terribly.

[Corraleno]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that your grief is great and nothing I can say will make that better. All I can say is that sometimes esp. for men when they've been in a good loving marriage, those are the men who will marry the soonest - not out of disrespect to the deceased wife but because their wife showed them just how good marriage is.

:iagree:

I don't think this woman is trying to "take your sister's place." No one can do that, I'm sure your BIL doesn't think of it that way either. But he's probably sad and lonely, especially since you say the kids are grown. He shouldn't have to be sad and lonely for years and years just to "prove" he loved your sister. Obviously he loved her very much, from his behavior when she was dying.

 

If anything happened to me, I would want DH to find happiness again, as soon as he felt ready — whether that was in 2 months or 2 years.

 

Jackie

[tex-mex]

My grandpa was married within months of my grandmothers death. He said he was just so lonely.:(

 

 

:iagree:

 

OP, my FIL (age 75) married his mistress of 15 years (MIL had no clue about her) 6 weeks after MIL died from cancer. It tore apart the family. Hubby refused to go to the wedding. Now, a year and a half later, my husband still will not see his father, barely talks to him over the phone, and refuses to meet the new stepmom. And it does not help the new stepmom is only 50 years old... the same age as my husband.

 

FIL admits he quickly married due to fear of being alone. Stepmom got a lot by marrying an old man who has wealth. Unfortunately, she is slowly discovering that FIL is not the man he claims to be. One ugly skeleton in the family closet was the fact FIL had numerous affairs. And he is very fearful and neurotic -- overly needy. Agoraphobic. Germaphobe. OCD. Detests traveling. Basically stepmom is now stuck with a old man who is not in great health and is fearful of leaving the house. ;) I think MIL is looking down from heaven and laughing her a__ off -- over all of this foolishness.

 

Only good thing about the whole mess is that MIL/FIL created a special needs trust for SIL (she is on SSI and paranoid schizophrenic & lives near FIL) and our son (their only grandchild). Hubby gets his Mom's real estate property that was promised to him after her death and in FIL's will. SIL and my son will inherit the bulk of FIL's estate, royalties and new stepmom does not know this. FIL and Hubby are co-executors of both trusts. I have always known my FIL to be sneaky and deceptive... can't wait to be a fly on the wall when stepmom (and her kids who are all grown up with kids of their own) realizes where the $$$ goes to in the end. Eeeek.

Edited November 3, 2012 by tex-mex

[Jpoy85]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[dangermom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that your grief is great and nothing I can say will make that better. All I can say is that sometimes esp. for men when they've been in a good loving marriage, those are the men who will marry the soonest - not out of disrespect to the deceased wife but because their wife showed them just how good marriage is.

 

:iagree: This does seem to be true. They can't stand to be alone.

[Audrey]

I empathize with you and I'm very sorry this has been thrown at you. My fil married exactly 10 months after my mil died from a loooooong battle with cancer. We couldn't understand it either, and certainly none of his kids could quite get past it. Unfortunately, there really isn't anything to be said or done about it. I wish I could say that time made it easier, but that hasn't been the case for dh and his siblings.

[Hannah]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that your grief is great and nothing I can say will make that better. All I can say is that sometimes esp. for men when they've been in a good loving marriage, those are the men who will marry the soonest - not out of disrespect to the deceased wife but because their wife showed them just how good marriage is.

 

My father started dating very soon after my mother died as well. She was a widow of a few years and had known my mom through the school and children's choir activities that my sister was in. (I was 18 and my sisters were 14 and 11 when Mom died). She immediately stepped in to help with carpool and aftercare where we needed and gave him parenting advise. My father started relying on her and I think he just felt desperate and lonely without Mom. They were married just over a year after Mom died.

 

My mother will always be my father's great love. Because he had a great marriage, I think he needed for someone to fill the void in some way.

 

ETA: As to answer the question as to what you should do. I can totally understand your distress and I can only say what I'd try to do.

If invited to dinner, I'd accept. I wouldn't hide that I'm still mourning the loss of my sister. I'd speak about her and still keep her memory alive when it comes up naturally (as it does when people have had a life together). There may even have to be an aside on a story to fill the new wife in on the details and I'd handle that without any passive agressiveness towards her. I'd make nice, yes.

 

The timing is not ideal, but I don't think you can make assumptions about what kind of a person his fiance is just because she's dating a widower. Or that your BIL is in any way dishonoring the memory of your sister or his love for her. He is not having an affair. He is moving on. A lot faster than the people close to him and your sister would have wanted. :grouphug:

Edited November 3, 2012 by Hannah

[SonshineLearner]

It's sad for the ones who aren't the spouse, but very usual for men to marry soon. If he's respectful of you, I would suck it up and go on. My Uncle married a person that my Aunt and He had mutually known for 30 years within a year of my Aunt's death, I think. It was a bit awkward and we don't get to see him much, but they are happy. (It's my "Uncle in Law") Anyway, it's hard, but when you get on up there in years... I suppose... you just want someone to be with watching tv...

It'll get easier... Take small bites :) Hugs...

[SonshineLearner]

PS, get any sentimentals that he wants to give you... out now... Find a gentle way to ask :)

[A.Balaban]

:grouphug:

 

Some people can't be alone.

 

You support him. He's always going to grieve your sister.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

A new relationship does not mean that he is forgetting your sister in any way. IMHO, a new relationship is better than the alternative - refusing to let go and move on. Every one grieves differently. Of course you are going to grieve for your sister differently than her husband does.

 

Just go and meet her and try and keep an open mind. Yes, it's okay to cry.

[ondreeuh]

I'm sorry. What is their hurry? I think some men have a hard time being alone, and many aren't sentimental the way we might expect them to be. Also, I think sometimes the older people are, the more they know what they want in a partner and the quicker they are to make a decision.

 

My mother died when she and my father had been married 21 years. It was like that chapter of his life ended and he immediately reinvented himself for the next chapter (got fit and lost a ton of weight). He started dating about 6 months later. He ended up meeting a great woman and they were married about 18 months after my mother died. My sister and I were still in high school. My dad lost friends over the situation, because they were horrified. My sister and I were actually okay with it, because we knew he needed to channel his energy (and have someone take care of him, to some degree). It didn't seem so quick to us, because we watched it unfold. They are still married and it's been about 18 years, and I get along better with her than my own father.

[Mom in High Heels]

:iagree::iagree:

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

A new relationship does not mean that he is forgetting your sister in any way. IMHO, a new relationship is better than the alternative - refusing to let go and move on. Every one grieves differently. Of course you are going to grieve for your sister differently than her husband does.

 

Just go and meet her and try and keep an open mind. Yes, it's okay to cry.

 

 

:iagree: He will likely always grieve your sister, but his life still needs to go on. It doesn't mean he didn't love her. If they were married 32 years, he's got be be at a minimum in his early 50's, and that's if they were married when he was in his early 20's. Life only lasts so long, and the older you get (from what I've been told), the more you realize you don't have time to wait around. Maybe he doesn't want to be alone. Maybe it was love at first sight. Maybe he just needs someone and she's happy to be there for him. Maybe your sister encouraged him to find someone after she was gone because she didn't want him to be alone. You'll never know. This is going to sound harsher than I intend it to with it being the internet, but know that I say this gently. It's not your business. You may be hurt, but it's his life. He has the right to do what he wants.

[mumto2]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I know this is really hard. I would meet the woman and give her a chance. You probably have more influance with BIL then you realise-it sounds like he wants you to meet her first for approval. I think she is the one I feel the sorry for other than you. BIL is getting what he wants companionship. She will always be in your sister's shadow and know it.

 

A family friend did exactly the same thing a couple of years ago. New wife constantly is telling everyone that she is a better cook, housekeeper, etc. Her husband says privately that it may be true but he was very happy with number one. ;) He is happy now -- did not want to be alone.

[Laura Corin]

This happened to my sislter-in-law. Her sister died suddenly and the husband remarried very fast. Everyone took a deep breath and welcomed the new person into the family. The couple is very happy.

 

Laura

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:

 

I think it is pretty common for people who had long good marriages to date and remarry soon after one spouse passes. They are used to having a loving companion and look for that again.

[Sahamamama]

My BIL never left my sister's side when she was in the hospital, never even went home to shower. My brother in law, who was married to my sister for 32 years, (2 grown kids) told me after two months that he was "dating." Now he's officially engaged to this woman. She knows all about my sister, knows how long she's been gone, and she's ok with it. She says she "thanks God every day that (my sister) made BIL the man he is today." Ugh. What kind of woman dates a man who's wife has been dead for two months?

 

Sixteen years ago, my aunt died while eating breakfast. My uncle came downstairs to find her slumped over her cornflakes. Her heart had stopped.

 

They had been married 40 years, had two daughters, four grandchildren, had pastored churches together for many years. Then, suddenly, he was alone. His daughters and their families both lived in New Jersey, but he was all alone in upstate New York. It was horrible for him, just horrible.

 

That big, empty house. Every meal, alone. Driving anywhere, alone. In bed at night, alone. Doing his work, alone. He couldn't stand it, but he didn't know what to do. He thought he would fall apart, actually.

 

Then he felt as though God dropped a love for someone in his heart. She was a woman in his church, but of course he had never thought of her in a romantic way before. Seven months after his first wife died, he married again. It was hard for his daughters at first. It seemed as though he was forgetting their mother, but in a way he was salvaging his life -- trying to keep going. They all love each other now, and the girls are happy their father is happy and well-loved by someone good.

 

He is 77 years old now, and has been happily married to a good woman for 15 years. They've had all that time together, but my uncle certainly never "forgets" his first wife.

 

Try to think of it like this: Your BIL and sister had a great marriage for a long time. He loved her, and in a way, he still loves her. But she isn't here now. :grouphug:

 

He is alone in all things, without anyone, unless he finds someone to go through the rest of his life with. Marriage was good to him, so much so that he wants it again. That is a great compliment to your sister, actually.

 

I heard my uncle say, "God has blessed me with two wonderful women. First, with B________, and now with J________."

 

This person, if she is a good woman, will be a gift to him, just as your sister was a gift to him for many years. Try to be happy for him, try to see this as his way of trying to not completely fall apart, try to believe that his wanting to be married again says much about how being married was "good to him."

 

Your BIL can't get your sister back, no matter what he does. He can share his life and his loss with this other person. She is a gift to him. Perhaps your sister sent her?

 

What kind of woman dates someone whose wife has just died? A brave woman. A tender-hearted woman. A woman who is strong enough to handle his ongoing grief.

 

In getting to know my Aunt J_____, I've seen how she is certainly a gift to my uncle and his family. She is kind, loving, funny, helpful, hard-working, creative, faithful, smart, and a good companion to him.

 

:grouphug: I hope your BIL's new wife will be a gift to you, too.

[elegantlion]

I have two aunts that were widowed about the same time. One has since remarried twice and outlived both husbands, the other will never marry again and has only dated briefly. One cannot stand to be alone, she needed someone in her life. Now her health is failing and her adult son lives with her. The one saw her dh as her soul mate and doesn't want think about being with anyone else. Both dh's died suddenly.

 

I can see both sides of this. I'm sorry it's hurting you though. :grouphug:

[Julie Smith]

:grouphug:

 

Some people can't be alone.

 

You support him. He's always going to grieve your sister.

 

:iagree:

 

:iagree:

I don't think this woman is trying to "take your sister's place." No one can do that, I'm sure your BIL doesn't think of it that way either. But he's probably sad and lonely, especially since you say the kids are grown. He shouldn't have to be sad and lonely for years and years just to "prove" he loved your sister. Obviously he loved her very much, from his behavior when she was dying.

 

If anything happened to me, I would want DH to find happiness again, as soon as he felt ready — whether that was in 2 months or 2 years.

 

Jackie

 

:iagree:

[The Girls' Mom]

I think that there are many people out there that cannot be alone. Why should he be?

 

My family was SO mean to my step-dad when he began dating not long after my mom died. But this man just didn't know how to function alone. He had ALWAYS had a woman by his side. It was hard for me to forgive my FAMILY for treating him so horribly.

 

You have to remember: this is not about you. It is not about your family. It is about his grief and his life.

[marbel]

Sixteen years ago, my aunt died while eating breakfast. My uncle came downstairs to find her slumped over her cornflakes. Her heart had stopped.

 

They had been married 40 years, had two daughters, four grandchildren, had pastored churches together for many years. Then, suddenly, he was alone. His daughters and their families both lived in New Jersey, but he was all alone in upstate New York. It was horrible for him, just horrible.

 

That big, empty house. Every meal, alone. Driving anywhere, alone. In bed at night, alone. Doing his work, alone. He couldn't stand it, but he didn't know what to do. He thought he would fall apart, actually.

 

 

I didn't quote the whole thing, but this is lovely.

 

I think sometimes people don't realize that the grief of the spouse is so very different than the grief of the siblings and even the children. If the kids are grown and gone, they are going on with their lives. Of course they are all grieving, but they have their spouses (if married), their friends, siblings. The widowed parent has no one at all. He can't go on with his life, because it is so fundamentally changed.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: to the OP. Try to love this new person as you do your brother-in-law. It has nothing to do with your sister.

[WishboneDawn]

I agree with everyone else but I'll add this.

 

Don't trust your anger right now. Don't let it guide you in any way in how you treat your BIL. I spent at least a year trying to sort out which feelings were real and which were grief for my brother disguised as other feelings after he died. I still struggle with it three years on. It's really best to bite your tongue right now, congratulate him and model that kind of acceptance for your kids because you are not anywhere near back to normal, won't be for a long time, and your reactions in regards to anything regarding your sister are painful and raw.

 

:grouphug: The loss of a sibling is tough, more so because it seems to be barely acknowledged in the public sphere.

[clementine]

Please treat this woman with kindness. :) She surely isnt trying to take your sister's place. She must be nervous about how your BIL's family will accept her. He can still grieve his wife's death while engaged to this woman. You can still grieve your sister while treating them with love.

 

:grouphug: It's an emotional time for you too. You have every right to feel conflicted!! :grouphug:

[Lizzie in Ma]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that your grief is great and nothing I can say will make that better. All I can say is that sometimes esp. for men when they've been in a good loving marriage, those are the men who will marry the soonest - not out of disrespect to the deceased wife but because their wife showed them just how good marriage is.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[edelweiss]

Wow, I'm with you, OP. I cannot even imagine being okay with that situation. :001_huh: Honestly, I doubt it is something that I could accept. I think about my own sister and if my BIL did something like that, I doubt that we would stay in contact.

 

I think that he has to make his own choices, but I also think he has to realize that others have to choose what they feel comfortable with as well. He might be getting a new marriage, but he may be altering many of his other relationships at the same time. Hopefully, he has considered all of that already.

[Alicia64]

As you know grief is such a painful, bottomless feeling thing. To wake up every morning completely alone is so hard.

 

Right or wrong, your BIL is hurting and wants it to stop.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

:grouphug:

 

Alley

[Harriet Vane]

Someone dear to me was devastated at the loss of her husband of 40 years. They had a very, very happy marriage. I never thought she'd remarry.

 

The reality was that the aching loneliness was all too awful for her. She remarried quickly, and I was devastated and frightened for her. Nevertheless, the man she chose is a good man, and she has been very happy with him.

 

Sometimes the loneliness is too much.

 

Try your best to try to understand. I know it's hard. :grouphug:

[Danestress]

It is also perfectly normal. When my DH's wife died, a therapist told him that, to the extent they can gather data, the averge man remarries within 10 months.

 

But he did counsel dh against that - told him not to make any life changes for a full year - no moving from the home, job changes, marriages etc. dh still thinks that was good advice. He dated early and was pretty vulnerable. He is glad he didn't marry the first woman he dated after his dw died. We were married 3 1/2 years after, and I think it helped with how his wife's family felt about me.

 

I understand wanting to do certain things. I understand your dbil and this woman wanting to marry sooner rather than later. But they are adults and I think it would be nice if they would wait a bit, especially since he has two children.

 

But all you can do is be kind. You will want your niece/nephew in your life. They will be such a comfort. So be kind and humble about this, because you really have no choice.

Edited November 3, 2012 by Danestress

[Pamela H in Texas]

My grandfather did similarly... He quickly got with my grandmother's best friend (with the same name!) and then when she died, he and her daughter lived together til the daughter died. He's been alone since which worries the family. But....Anyway, some people just need someone. ANd seriously, after 32 years, you can kinda see why!

 

Until a couple years ago, I really thought I would probably be married within a year if my hubby died. It is nothing about my relationship with my hubby but I can't imagine being alone. Now I see it a bit differently and I'd probably be okay (maybe mostly because my big kids are adults and still here though...will that change?).

 

Anyway, it is perfectly fine for you to feel conflicted. They probably are worried what other people will think too.

[EmilyK]

I agree with everyone else but I'll add this.

 

Don't trust your anger right now. Don't let it guide you in any way in how you treat your BIL. I spent at least a year trying to sort out which feelings were real and which were grief for my brother disguised as other feelings after he died. I still struggle with it three years on. It's really best to bite your tongue right now, congratulate him and model that kind of acceptance for your kids because you are not anywhere near back to normal, won't be for a long time, and your reactions in regards to anything regarding your sister are painful and raw.

 

:grouphug: The loss of a sibling is tough, more so because it seems to be barely acknowledged in the public sphere.

 

This is good advice. I was actually going to suggest the opposite, but you have convinced me. That said, I think the OP has the right to her feelings. [i agree with everyone who said that this happens frequently. In my experience, sometimes it is great, sometimes the new marriages aren't happy, but who knows here.] I think given the strong emotions that BIL is feeling, you are probably right just to bite one's tongue.

 

That said, I was wondering about saying some thing like this privately to BIL: "As you know, I'm still really grieving the loss of my only sibling. I'm not sure how long it will be this intense. I'm not trying to compare our grief, but I wanted to share with you how I'm doing. I'm really happy for you and your new wife, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with a burst of grief, and I'm thinking that attending your wedding and other family occasions will trigger that. I just wanted you to know in advance, so that if you see me crying or looking unhappy, you know it isn't about you or my support of your new life, but just some intense feelings I'm having about the loss of my sister. I hope you will understand."

[butterflymommy]

I would be very happy for my DH if he found someone who made him happy after I died. It is kind of fast but I would hold off judgment until you meet her, see what kind of person she is. You don't have to be the nicest person in the world, just be civil and polite. I am very pro marriage so I think it's great when people want to get married as opposed to live together (and yes that goes for people of all persuasions :tongue_smilie:).

[twinmami01]

:grouphug:

[Heatherwith4]

I'm agreeing with pretty much everyone else, but I also wanted to give :grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss.

[PiCO]

A new relationship does not mean that he is forgetting your sister in any way. IMHO, a new relationship is better than the alternative - refusing to let go and move on. Every one grieves differently. Of course you are going to grieve for your sister differently than her husband does.

:iagree: except for the bolded.

 

Everyone grieves differently, and everyone moves on differently. "Getting on with your life" does not always involve another relationship, especially if that's not what your soul wants. My dh wanted me to get re-married ASAP. It's been 7 years and 2 months now, and I'm not dating. I don't think I ever refused to let go... it's just that letting go for me didn't involve moving on to romantic relationships. I didn't even feel "over it" for 4 years.

 

I would be horrified if dh's family didn't accept me for what I am, whether I re-married in 6 months or if I stay single for the duration.

 

OP- maybe your BIL is rushing things, but you won't know what's going on until you meet his fiance, and spend time with them as a couple. Whatever is going on, it's not her fault- so try to be accepting. You could even tell her it's hard for you, because you miss your sister so much.

[texasmama]

:grouphug: This is a pretty common situation, particularly for widowers, and I have watched it in my extended family repeatedly. That doesn't make it easier to manage, though.:grouphug:

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Jann in TX]

I see it as a testament on the good marriage he had with your sister. He has grieved and will always grieve her-- but that does not mean he needs to do it alone. There is NOTHING magical about 'a one year grieving period'.

 

My dad remarried 9 months after my mother died of breast cancer when I was 21.

 

It was 'shocking' at first-- to think about my dad wanting to be with someone other than my mother (they had been childhood sweethearts). My step mother's children had a harder time with it than we did (their father had been dead 15 years!).

 

I now treasure my step mother. She LOVES my dad-- and he LOVES her. I'm happy for them.

[Jann in TX]

I see it as a testament on the good marriage he had with your sister. He has grieved and will always grieve her-- but that does not mean he needs to do it alone. There is NOTHING magical about 'a one year grieving period'.

 

My dad remarried 9 months after my mother died of breast cancer when I was 21.

 

It was 'shocking' at first-- to think about my dad wanting to be with someone other than my mother (they had been childhood sweethearts). My step mother's children had a harder time with it than we did (their father had been dead 15 years!).

 

I now treasure my step mother. She LOVES my dad-- and he LOVES her. I'm happy for them.

 

My FIL's wife (of 30 years) died in January. He announced his engagement this past summer... they are waiting the 'magic year'-- because of his step children (they have taken the relationship hard like the OP). They are not married yet-but they are TOGETHER... He is happy and she is happy (her husband died a few years ago). I'm happy for them too!

[Scarlett]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that your grief is great and nothing I can say will make that better. All I can say is that sometimes esp. for men when they've been in a good loving marriage, those are the men who will marry the soonest - not out of disrespect to the deceased wife but because their wife showed them just how good marriage is.

 

This.

 

:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

What kind of woman dates someone whose wife has just died? A brave woman. A tender-hearted woman. A woman who is strong enough to handle his ongoing grief.

 

Or maybe she's an opportunistic woman who sees an emotionally distraught, financially secure man who is an easy target. :glare:

 

Sorry to be the cynic here, and I truly hope I am wrong, but I do think the OP should get to know the woman for her BIL's sake. I hope she is wonderful and caring, but she may also be looking for a meal ticket, and know that he's an easy mark because he's grieving the loss of his wife, is terribly lonely, and may not be thinking entirely rationally right now.

 

Many people remarry quickly after divorce or the death of a spouse and everything works out beautifully, but there are also many people who are taken advantage of by less than honorable people.

 

Personally, I think the BIL should check this woman out pretty thoroughly before he marries her -- and if the OP truly cares about her BIL, she may want to do a little checking on her own.

 

Again, I'm not saying this woman is the Spawn of Satan or anything, and she may turn out to be a great person, but the OP's BIL may not be at his best right now and it's very easy to be taken in by a show of kindness and compassion when he's at a point in his life where he really needs love and companionship.

 

Sorry to be the wet blanket.

[Scarlett]

What do you think? What would you do? I am completely freaked out. I understand that he's running away, on the rebound, whatever you want to say, but what am I supposed to do? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Thanks for letting me vent. :confused:

 

My mom married my step-dad 11 months after his wife of 45 years died. His wife and my mom had been friends for 30 years. It was hard on my step-sister. She told my mom, 'it is too soon, dad can't even speak mom's name without crying.' My mom said, 'Is there some reason he has to be alone to cry?'

 

It is still hard on my step-sister although she has never had an issue with my mom.

 

Death is hard. But my step dad did not want to be alone.

[DianeW88]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that your grief is great and nothing I can say will make that better. All I can say is that sometimes esp. for men when they've been in a good loving marriage, those are the men who will marry the soonest - not out of disrespect to the deceased wife but because their wife showed them just how good marriage is.

 

:iagree: This has been statistically proven. Happily married men tend to remarry quite quickly after their wives have died. He really isn't being disrespectful to your sister, even though it may feel that way to you. Try to be happy for him and supportive of his new marriage. I'm sure it won't be easy, but in the end, it'll be the best thing for your family.

[Mom-ninja.]

:grouphug:

 

Some people can't be alone.

 

You support him. He's always going to grieve your sister.

 

:iagree:

 

My grandfather got remarried 6 months after my grandmother died. They were married for over 70 years. My grandfather couldn't stand being alone. He's also in his 90s and said he couldn't court a woman the proper length of time because he has no time. It doesn't mean that he loves my grandmother any less. It's means he couldn't be alone and wanted someone to take care of him.

[sparrow]

:grouphug:

 

My husband's best friend passed away 2 years ago. He left behind a wife and 2 young sons. She remarried, and was pregnant, in less than 6 months.

 

It was a shock. They had been together for twenty years. I think after he passed she met someone, and knew she had 2 boys to raise, and wanted to have a family with a mom and a dad.

 

It will take some getting used to, after the initial shock, but you may find this will help BIL go on with his life.

[Walking-Iris]

:grouphug:

 

My dh's grandfather was seeing another woman while his grandmother was sick with cancer and married soon after her death. Apparently it upset his mom enough that they were estranged from his g-parents for awhile.

 

Just keep in mind that it's his life and work on your own mourning in your own way and try not to be too harsh with how others live their life. Some people aren't able to deal with the thought of being alone.