What does a therapist do?

[MEmama]

I'm in a deep, prolonged depression, I can barely function. I'm already on an antidepressant (and it helps a lot). I'm not interested in self medicating with random supplements.

What, realistically, does talking to someone do when the facts can't change? Please be gentle.

[Katy]

There are many different kinds of therapy. I think in the case of unchanging facts, the only thing you can actually change is your thought process. The kind of therapy that’s about changing thoughts is called cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s usually a short course of therapy with homework assignments that teaches you how to identify untrue thoughts and think differently. It’s extremely effective for depression. It’s also extremely effective for kids with a lot of negative factors they have no control over in life like kids in foster care. 

Secondly, if you’re on hormonal birth control, think about a short trial of a non-hormonal method. I’m extremely pro hormonal birth control, but sometimes it has negative effects on mental health. If it’s a contributing factor, you should know in less than a week. And another formula might be fine. 

[MEmama]

8 minutes ago, Katy said:

There are many different kinds of therapy. I think in the case of unchanging facts, the only thing you can actually change is your thought process. The kind of therapy that’s about changing thoughts is called cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s usually a short course of therapy with homework assignments that teaches you how to identify untrue thoughts and think differently. It’s extremely effective for depression. It’s also extremely effective for kids with a lot of negative factors they have no control over in life like kids in foster care. 

Secondly, if you’re on hormonal birth control, think about a short trial of a non-hormonal method. I’m extremely pro hormonal birth control, but sometimes it has negative effects on mental health. If it’s a contributing factor, you should know in less than a week. And another formula might be fine. 

No birth control, not since I was 16 lol. I'm not any hormones but definitely in peri/menopause (I've had a hysterectomy, so who knows). Reluctant right now to take HRT, but I can't go on like this so idk.

[KSera]

7 minutes ago, MEmama said:

I'm not any hormones but definitely in peri/menopause (I've had a hysterectomy, so who knows). Reluctant right now to take HRT, but I can't go on like this so idk.

Oh, knowing this, HRT might be one of the first things I’d try if it’s not contraindicated for you. You might just need a little more estrogen to get through this time period. The newer research on HRT has me feeling differently about it. 
 

Otherwise, I agree with Katy about doing a very specific, targeted kind of therapy such as CBT, ACT or DBT. I wouldn’t expect just random talk therapy to be hugely helpful, though some people do appreciate being able to vent. 

[Eos]

I'm so sorry. Healing is possible.

I was depressed for many years as a young adult and mother. For me, talking with someone was not the point. I needed to " do the work" which was to actually feel what I had spent years just holding onto but not being willing to really feel. It was quite hard to access those feelings because I was really worried that I would not stop crying or would somehow never come out of the feelings, which sounds irrational but was a real fear.  So eventually I decided that feeling all the stuff wouldn't be any worse than the depression I was in so just went for it. I started by sort of accidentally getting angry about a particular situation, then realized my anger was me holding onto a tiny bit of self-love, that I deserved. This was followed by months of tears. I decided that my tears and feelings would be the flash flood and I would be the riverbed. I did do talk therapy during this time but it wasn't especially helpful. After many months of crying and raging, I felt myself become undepressed. The only way I can describe it is as a physical load leaving my chest and shoulders. I thought I would have to spend effort to stop all the repeating thoughts I would have, but they actually went away without any effort on my part.

I really hope you find a modality that works for you. I haven't tried meds or hormones but I know people have good results with them.

You can't push the river but you can make an easier place for the river to flow.

[maize]

Therapy is helpful for some and not helpful for others--it depends partly on the root causes of the depression, the approach and skill of the therapist, and the ability of the client to fully engage with therapy and apply strategies learned.

For my husband, who has struggled with chronic, severe depression throughout his adult life, therapy was really never helpful. Medication helps, and Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) has had a near-miraculous impact in improving his mental functioning--I'd encourage you to look into TMS providers neat you. Here's more information on the treatment:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/transcranial-magnetic-stimulation/about/pac-20384625

[Kassia]

Hugs to you @MEmama  I hope you get the help you need and it makes a difference.  I'm really proud of your strength for wanting to make the effort to get better.  ❤️ 

[MEmama]

50 minutes ago, Eos said:

I'm so sorry. Healing is possible.

I was depressed for many years as a young adult and mother. For me, talking with someone was not the point. I needed to " do the work" which was to actually feel what I had spent years just holding onto but not being willing to really feel. It was quite hard to access those feelings because I was really worried that I would not stop crying or would somehow never come out of the feelings, which sounds irrational but was a real fear.  So eventually I decided that feeling all the stuff wouldn't be any worse than the depression I was in so just went for it. I started by sort of accidentally getting angry about a particular situation, then realized my anger was me holding onto a tiny bit of self-love, that I deserved. This was followed by months of tears. I decided that my tears and feelings would be the flash flood and I would be the riverbed. I did do talk therapy during this time but it wasn't especially helpful. After many months of crying and raging, I felt myself become undepressed. The only way I can describe it is as a physical load leaving my chest and shoulders. I thought I would have to spend effort to stop all the repeating thoughts I would have, but they actually went away without any effort on my part.

I really hope you find a modality that works for you. I haven't tried meds or hormones but I know people have good results with them.

You can't push the river but you can make an easier place for the river to flow.

You just described me very well, right down to the fear of never ending tears. I've been doing so.much work on myself for the past few years and I know I've made breakthroughs, but it's not enough. I'm so glad to hear you made it to other side.

[Eos]

Just now, MEmama said:

You just described me very well, right down to the fear of never ending tears. I've been doing so.much work on myself for the past few years and I know I've made breakthroughs, but it's not enough. I'm so glad to hear you made it to other side.

It wasn't pleasant and it got worse before it got better but totally worth it.

[freesia]

CBT absolutely helped me when faced with facts I couldn’t change. Even though I thought I knew all about how to confront disordered thinking on my own, having someone else to help was a game changer. I wish I’d gone years earlier. I hope you find someone to help. I’m so sorry you are struggling. 

[Pam in CT]

(( I'm so sorry. ))

4 hours ago, MEmama said:

...What, realistically, does talking to someone do when the facts can't change? Please be gentle.

Talking to someone sufficiently skilled... with whom you get to a relationship of trust... who then is able to push you a little bit (but not too much or too early or too fast) further/harder/into places than you'd be inclined or able to go on your own... and is able to pierce through the defensive armor you cannot help but put on... along with applying particular tools/ methods/ approaches...

... enables you to work out how to better respond YOURSELF to facts that can't change.

 

But you have to be ready. You have to want it. Premature therapy is vanishingly unlikely to do much

because

4 hours ago, Eos said:

...For me, talking with someone was not the point. I needed to " do the work" which was to actually feel what I had spent years just holding onto but not being willing to really feel. It was quite hard to access those feelings because I was really worried that I would not stop crying or would somehow never come out of the feelings, which sounds irrational but was a real fear.  So eventually I decided that feeling all the stuff wouldn't be any worse than the depression I was in so just went for it. I started by sort of accidentally getting angry about a particular situation, then realized my anger was me holding onto a tiny bit of self-love, that I deserved. This was followed by months of tears. I decided that my tears and feelings would be the flash flood and I would be the riverbed....

You can't push the river but you can make an easier place for the river to flow.

( ellipsing only because every recovery journey is different, and people respond differently to therapy and medication and other tools and sheer time; but this is a wonderful image of the GOAL )

 

CBT v DBT (behavioral "tools") v other analytical methods of how to confront disordered patterns

2 hours ago, freesia said:

CBT absolutely helped me when faced with facts I couldn’t change. Even though I thought I knew all about how to confront disordered thinking on my own, having someone else to help was a game changer. I wish I’d gone years earlier. I hope you find someone to help. I’m so sorry you are struggling. 

I also have found a mostly CBT-leaning approach to be very helpful. I know many others for whom a more DBT-leaning was the one. Based on my personal circle, I wonder if there's maybe a "fit" issue where folks who think more analogously/metaphorically/systems-y find the CBT "framing" stuff helpful, and those who think more linearly and concretely find the DBT tools more helpful.

But in any event. It starts with finding a skilled person with whom you can get to a relationship of trust. And who can read your (inevitable, none of us can help it) defenses for what they are, and figure out a way to move forward nonetheless.

 

(( good luck. ))  I also really wish I'd tried seriously, which -- fair warning, and, I do understand how very hard it is to work through this when you're under water and impaired -- included several rounds of finding a person with the right fit, years earlier.

[Terabith]

To be honest, I have never found a lot of real help from therapy.  I’ve had real help from a close friend who is a pastor, who has walked beside me in crisis.  But drugs were life changing.  And honestly, EMDR was life changing.  Despite hating the therapist and never having to talk about the issues and only having like five sessions.  

[MEmama]

25 minutes ago, Terabith said:

To be honest, I have never found a lot of real help from therapy.  I’ve had real help from a close friend who is a pastor, who has walked beside me in crisis.  But drugs were life changing.  And honestly, EMDR was life changing.  Despite hating the therapist and never having to talk about the issues and only having like five sessions.  

EMDR? 
 

I'm not anti medication--starting Lexapro literally saved me from the edge. But a year later I'm still drowning, so I'm willing to do uncomfortable things to get to the other side. This is untenable.

[MEmama]

1 hour ago, Pam in CT said:

(( I'm so sorry. ))

Talking to someone sufficiently skilled... with whom you get to a relationship of trust... who then is able to push you a little bit (but not too much or too early or too fast) further/harder/into places than you'd be inclined or able to go on your own... and is able to pierce through the defensive armor you cannot help but put on... along with applying particular tools/ methods/ approaches...

... enables you to work out how to better respond YOURSELF to facts that can't change.

 

But you have to be ready. You have to want it. Premature therapy is vanishingly unlikely to do much

because

( ellipsing only because every recovery journey is different, and people respond differently to therapy and medication and other tools and sheer time; but this is a wonderful image of the GOAL )

 

CBT v DBT (behavioral "tools") v other analytical methods of how to confront disordered patterns

I also have found a mostly CBT-leaning approach to be very helpful. I know many others for whom a more DBT-leaning was the one. Based on my personal circle, I wonder if there's maybe a "fit" issue where folks who think more analogously/metaphorically/systems-y find the CBT "framing" stuff helpful, and those who think more linearly and concretely find the DBT tools more helpful.

But in any event. It starts with finding a skilled person with whom you can get to a relationship of trust. And who can read your (inevitable, none of us can help it) defenses for what they are, and figure out a way to move forward nonetheless.

 

(( good luck. ))  I also really wish I'd tried seriously, which -- fair warning, and, I do understand how very hard it is to work through this when you're under water and impaired -- included several rounds of finding a person with the right fit, years earlier.

You're so helpful, thank you. This sounds dumb, but how does a person go about finding someone appropriate if they don't really know what they need? I've zero idea where to start, or what I'd say. Um....I'm depressed like most people? 

[Toocrazy!!]

I can’t help with the therapy part, but if it was sudden or seemed to come on with a hormonal change, HRT could be helpful. Looking back, mine was definitely perimenopause. I was like a different person, I just couldn’t get out of my own way. Mine was more anxiety, but there were times I just couldn’t leave the house. I was a recluse, should have lost my job I was so bad at it, etc. I did see one therapist, but it wasn’t a good fit so I can’t say if that would have helped or not. But when I finally entered menopause, it was like the light switched back on. It seemed to be so cut and dry for me with the timing. I was back to my old self and really felt even better. I didn’t even consider HRT, but looking back I wish I knew more about that option. I did do some compounded progesterone cream, but I couldn’t really find a provider that really helped. Now there seem To be more, and even some online ones. Or course yours might not be that issue, but just in case, I thought I’d share.  

[bibiche]

If you can’t shake the depression, perhaps ask your doctor about esketamine. From what I’ve read, esketamine, particularly in combination with CBT, can be life changing.

[Rosie_0801]

It's not something like a systemic candida issue? Something like that can creep up on you.

[Terabith]

1 hour ago, MEmama said:

EMDR? 
 

I'm not anti medication--starting Lexapro literally saved me from the edge. But a year later I'm still drowning, so I'm willing to do uncomfortable things to get to the other side. This is untenable.

EMDR is eye movement desensitization something or other.  It sounds like complete hooey, and it's deeply weird, but it's one of the most evidence based things in existence.  

To be honest, meds were not a one and done thing for me.  SSRI helped but what REALLY helped was a tricyclic from the 70s, nortritptyline.  There were a million variations of med cocktail before we got to this one that seems super solid though, and decades that were rocky but more or less okay for varying periods of time.  

[MEmama]

26 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It's not something like a systemic candida issue? Something like that can creep up on you.

I'd never heard of it so I had to look it up. I've never had any kind of yeast infection and don't suppose I have any way of getting one, so I wouldn't  think so.

[Rosie_0801]

11 minutes ago, MEmama said:

I'd never heard of it so I had to look it up. I've never had any kind of yeast infection and don't suppose I have any way of getting one, so I wouldn't  think so.

We already have candida in our bodies. Over carbing can raise their population above optimal, which is easy enough to do when we're busy or tired. 

[Junie]

Counseling has been very helpful for me in dealing with situations out of my control.  My therapist has been able to point out "errors" in my thinking that cause me to spiral.  Instead, she has given me a different perspective and better ways to talk to myself.

ETA: the word "my" control

Edited April 29 by Junie

[Catwoman]

I wish I had some advice for you, but I really don't. I just wanted to post and say that while I know I can't technically speak for everyone, I really believe that we're all here for you whenever you need to talk or vent, and whenever you just need some support that reminds you that we are in your corner.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I hope you're able to find some help to work your way through it.

Sending lots of hugs.

[Ausmumof3]

I don’t have any advice but really hope you’re able to find what you need. Sunshine helps me some. It won’t fix things but if you’re not getting any and you can it can’t hurt while you’re working on the other more critical stuff. 

 

[Kassia]

19 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 I really believe that we're all here for you whenever you need to talk or vent, and whenever you just need some support that reminds you that we are in your corner.

 

QFT  ❤️

[TexasProud]

Lexapro was horrible for me. Just FYI. A different med helped in the short term.

Therapy. Not helpful at all. They just listened to me talk for an hour. 

[Lawyer&Mom]

I had various rounds of therapy as a child, a teen and in my forties.  Adult therapy can be great because you finally have the life experience to really put things in context.  My childhood trauma happened before my conscious memories and when I was minimally verbal.  A therapist was able to really help me put my big nebulous emotions from this time period into a framework I could understand.  It was life changing.  My prior rounds of therapy were not.  You have to be ready.  

[caayenne]

My DS18 (he gave me permission to share) has suffered from intermittent depression throughout his teenage years, but it got a lot worse around the time he started college this fall. It was very much triggered by anxiety over the future and severe upset over things he cannot change, which would lead him to repress his emotions when they became overwhelming. He had multiple periods of low or no functioning thoughout the first few months of the school year.

CBT techniques didn't resonate with him at all, so we tried DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) for a couple of months, but there were aspects of it that felt like it was increasing his tendency to bury his emotions.

I did some more research and found a newer therapy called Radically Open DBT, which was specifically created to help people who repress emotion vs. expressing it. (It also helps with OCD and social anxiety, both of which he has dealt with his whole life.) 

We found an amazing counselor who does a mixture of RO-DBT and ACT (acceptance and committment therapy—learning to accept things the way they are but to still live a good life according to your values), and it's honestly been like a miracle to see his transformation over the past six months. He still has plenty of moments where he gets down, triggered, or upset, but he's learned much healthier ways of dealing with those emotions, and he told me recently that he's feeling hopeful about the future for the first time in years!

I'm praying you'll find something (and someone) to help you through to a better place. ❤️ You're not alone, and things will get better. 🤗

Edited April 27 by caayenne

[bookbard]

Recent research is finding exercise just as important as medication - it's hard to find the time, but if it's possible to start walking in nature, for example, there should be some benefit.

I went to therapy once as a uni student and strangely enough it flipped everything for me - I went from very depressed to having forgotten I'd even been depressed. I think I just needed an outside person to reframe things. 

[Pam in CT]

re finding a therapist that works effectively **with you**

20 hours ago, MEmama said:

...This sounds dumb, but how does a person go about finding someone appropriate if they don't really know what they need? I've zero idea where to start, or what I'd say. Um....I'm depressed like most people? 

Well, I realize how very not-helpful this is, but I think all it really comes down to is 1) persistence (in a time when getting out of bed and remaining upright is challenging) and 2) luck. 

The way I personally see it, nobody (neither depressed person nor practitioner trying to help them) really KNOWS what interventions -- medication, different types of therapy, alternative treatments like EMDR/ ketamine etc -- is what they "need," or if sufficient time/ exercise/ improvement in diet and other daily habits will eventually enable the clouds to recede and healing to occur. Everyone is more or less throwing different interventions at the issue and seeing/evaluating/hoping the interventions will work. Healing (generally) is an art, not an arithmetic problem; and it is very rare that real mental health issues respond to a single intervention the way certain infections respond to the right antibiotic.

So the persistence is necessary to hang in there and keep trying different approaches, and not giving up and walking away from trying. And the luck part is happening by good fortune on an intervention that helps earlier in the miserable quest rather than later.

 

I found therapists who didn't click through general physician referral, through support group referral, through insurance coverage lists, and through Psychology Today lists. I gave up a number of times. (Although -- this is I think important -- in hindsight I see now that I wasn't really ready. I was looking for reasons to give up. I didn't believe I "was" the problem; and I didn't yet accept that whether or not that was true, I HAD a problem and could benefit from how I caught and responded to the problem.)

I eventually found one who did click through the referral of a friend's therapist. The friend is similar to me in many ways; the two therapists trained together and are friends with one another. In my case at least, while she tends to lean CBT with me, it's the fit that matters most -- she's trained in DBT as well and I expects leans more that way with other patients. And honestly you can read about CBT and DBT and other variations and sort of speculate about which you think sounds "best" but you cannot really know until you DO it.

 

(( I know how hard it is to summon up the energy. ))

[Kanin]

I'm really sorry that you're struggling ❤️

[Carol in Cal.]

I’m very sorry to hear this.  It must be so hard.

Are you by any chance taking gabapentin or doxycycline?  The first induced depression with raging in my husband, and the second gave me such a bad depression that it literally hurt to be alive.  Neither of those possibilities were on the drug cautions insert.  Fortunately they both turned around when we stopped the meds.  BTW, a lot of people who take those don’t have those symptoms—it’s very much a case by case experience.

EMDR is fantastic for PTSD and related syndromes.  

I hear you on not wanting to take random herbs, but St. John’s Wort does have some clinical evidence for it out of Germany, for mild to medium depression.  I’ve known people it helped.  I tried it years ago and felt like it just made me mad.  

However, if your depression is a peri menopause symptom, I can tell you for sure that borage oil capsules (from Whole Foods) fixed all my peri mood issues, which were SIGNIFICANT—mostly raging but also weepiness and extreme emotional vulnerability that I did not think was depression but my PCP did.  (Aside:  She referred me to a therapist.  I went and told him how I felt.  At the end of what was pretty much a tirade, I said that I didn’t think I was depressed, but rather that I thought I was pretty mad.  He said, “I think you’re mad, too.”  And that was that.  I never saw him again.)  Anyway, disregard if it is unhelpful, but really, this stuff has been amazing for me and for others, including my DD when she had PMS.  I started with 2 capsules in the morning and two in the evening on day 14 of my cycle, and took them through day 1 of the next one.  The capsules were 1000-1300 mg each. 

 

[MEmama]

27 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Are you by any chance taking gabapentin or doxycycline?  The first induced depression with raging in my husband, and the second gave me such a bad depression that it literally hurt to be alive.

No, but years ago taking the antibiotic z pac made me suicidal. I now list it as an absolute no-way medication, so I do understand weird side effects of "normally benign" medications. I'm sorry you both have endured such awful and frightening side effects.

idk if this peri/menopause related; it might very well be be but it's also possible it's appearing as a result of unmasking (intentionally, lots of hard work). My (female!) doctor doesn't seem to understand peri/menopause so she's not much help (since I've had a hysterectomy, I'm not sure which applies, or if it even matters). 

[Harriet Vane]

The fact that you have had a hysterectomy really makes me wonder about estrogen and hormone replacement therapy. Since your doctor is clueless, can you see a gynecologist, especially one who specializes in menopause? 

[J-rap]

I'm so sorry you're suffering with this.  It must be very painful.  I've been hearing a lot about well-controlled ketamine therapy for treatment-resistant depression lately.  I've also been hearing about Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation therapy which Maize suggested earlier.  In fact, I know someone now doing TMS treatments at Mayo.  My understanding is that both of those treatments have the effect of forcing brain pattern changes.

[MercyA]

(((@MEmama)))

[Scarlett]

On 4/26/2024 at 10:17 AM, MEmama said:

No birth control, not since I was 16 lol. I'm not any hormones but definitely in peri/menopause (I've had a hysterectomy, so who knows). Reluctant right now to take HRT, but I can't go on like this so idk.

I was reluctant to take HRT because my mom had BC, but at some point I had to for a few years. It was a Very low dose though.  Mine was not depression but a weird anxiety. It helped a lot. The last 6 months I halved even the already low dose and was able to wean off it completely quite easily. 
I decided the known quality of my life had become more important than the risk of breast cancer.

[Junie]

20 hours ago, MEmama said:

No, but years ago taking the antibiotic z pac made me suicidal. I now list it as an absolute no-way medication, so I do understand weird side effects of "normally benign" medications. I'm sorry you both have endured such awful and frightening side effects.

 

I have had suicidal thoughts from a couple of medications, including prilosec.  I have felt much better since I stopped taking it.

And I have a similar list of meds that I won't take.

[Acadie]

I'm so sorry this is such a rough time.

I found my therapist by Googling practitioners my insurance covers for specialties, publications etc. My therapist is older than I am and runs workshops on goddesses as paradigms for different stages of women's development. That intrigued me and it's been a great fit. I knew I wanted to work with a woman who was older than I am, but the same won't appeal to everyone. Go into the first few sessions just with a goal of seeing if you want to continue, or try someone else.

How my therapist has helped me when much is unchanged--again, this will be very individual--

--Been a trustworthy and emotionally mature elder when my extended family is rife with emotional immaturity. Sometimes I bounce things off her--how can I talk to_____ about_____, and sometimes it's just a relief to know she's trustworthy and can take care of her own emotions 

--Sees and validates caregiving. At the end of my last session she said, Good job, Mom. If that sounds condescending, it didn't land that way with me at all. Basically I put in a huge effort that made a significant difference for one of my kids and my therapist really saw and validated it. Which was cool because parenting older teens and young adults often doesn't involve much validation.

--Normalizes and helps me understand stages of menopause. At one point she told me it sounded like I'd reached the I-don't-give-a-shit phase with something and it was a relief and totally hilarious to be so seen. Depression is real and so is the shift around menopause to having literally zero patience/time for things we cared about or were willing to do before. It's been helpful to be able to explore the differences with someone. 

--I can share and vent without triangulating or catching someone up on things, and explore political despairs and hopes that are important to me. 

--She's professional in saying she can't diagnose anyone she hasn't seen, but has also indicated what patterns of behavior in a couple people in my life suggest to her. It's helped enormously in understanding what's happening and how I want to respond or show up

--After I'd seen her for a while, she broke out of professional mode at one point with an outburst about someone in my life. She acknowledged she's not supposed to do that but it was unbelievably validating and human, and continues to help me put the relationship in context. 

--Sees me virtually, which is a great logistically and given that my family is still Covid cautious

--Suggested a therapist for a member of my family who has been an excellent fit, as well as a couple other types of practitioners

--A safe place to explore fears and anxieties to discern what I want to listen or respond to, and what I can set aside 

--A place to explore what's in my power and values I want to live by, quite different from when I was younger. Basically she helps me see and attend to the enormous growth and change that happens around menopause, which is hardly recognized at all in our culture. This has probably been the biggest help with depressive symptoms. 

--Adjunct to exploring hormone replacement and meds. Like previous posters I'm reassured by recent research on HRT. Wish I were younger to explore that with a physician. With a naturopath I did try drops that had to be refrigerated and taken multiple times a day. It didn't help and didn't seem worth the hassle.  

Really hoping you find some relief and more supports soon. Like previous posters it's been helpful to me to try a few different things at once, and notice where I feel more or less at ease, or more or less alive. In addition to the above I like Lindsay Gibson's Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents; Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Authority. 

[Scarlett]

Therapy has never helped me.  I have been thinking lately I might need it but I sort of always get stuck on ‘how could they possibly help’.  Like @MEmama distress or depression stems from things that can’t be changed what could any therapist say to help?

I guess if a person needs help expressing emotions a therapist could help with that…..but honestly I have never had a problem vocalizing exactly how I feel.  Do they do reverse therapy on that?  How to not spill out every thought in your head?  That is the skill of emotional regulation which I do have some of but then again that doesn’t fix the problem.

I do think there are different types  of depression or anxiety. I have been through this with my best friend for 45 years.  She definitely is one of those who keeps it in.  She has been seeing a therapist who has helped her speak her mind……but of course in the last few years I have been telling her this is her single greatest fault so she was already working on that.  
 

Sometimes I think it is solely a chemical or hormonal issue and that needs drugs or hRt.  But very often it is disappointment  and disillusionment and anger at parts of your life or some people in your life.  I usually take my mother’s advice and it has never failed to help a significant amount and I still give this advice to others.  I clean, I organize, I listen to good music, I exercise, I hydrate, I get sunshine, I eat properly, I drink less alcohol and sometimes none at all and above all I go do something for someone else.  I know this is just the standard list but it works.  Also sometimes it is like slogging through mud to get up and do any of these things but I force myself because my mom told me if I do I will feel better by morning.  
Disclaimer of course this won’t work for everyone and what I have been though in the last 5 years it has worked less than normal. But it sure helps some. 

 

[Scarlett]

Also I will say I have an abundance of friends who will listen to me wail and vent.  So I think if you don’t have that in your life a therapist could help.

My friends will either just say they are so sorry I am going through this or they will tell me my viewpoint is messed up or they will give advice on fixing it all depending on the situation. 

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

Therapist here.
 

Therapy isn’t for everyone and research shows that the biggest predictor of success/satisfaction is the connection between the therapist and client, regardless of technique. So finding a good fit is of utmost importance.
 

Generally, conversations with your therapist should begin to feel increasingly challenging, but not painful. The goal is to gently lead you to be curious about your life and learn acceptance vs. distress regarding immutable circumstances. Hopefully self-love, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness will also be themes. Many women hold themselves to perfectionist standards without realizing it. 
 

Also, for people who tend to hyper-analyze, intellectualize, and rationalize themselves out of feeling better 🙂 you can try body-based therapies, such as somatic experiencing, brain-spotting, or EMDR. 

I hope you find something that works for you. 

[Clarita]

You have more going on than I do. 

When my dad passed away suddenly and my mom decided to move far away within a year I saw a therapist. I wasn't feeling chipper, for good reason. Seeing a therapist helped me 1) get permission to feel my feelings (not just overall sadness/depression but the feelings associated with each of the situations and events, that included anger, frustration, fear, etc.), 2) help me address some of the things with the people involved with making me feel the bad feelings, 3) find that boundary of what is normal and healthy given my situation and what is unhealthy, and 4) in my situation the therapist helped me find other real resources to cope with what happened/was happening as well. I didn't continue the therapy forever, I stopped after we addressed a bunch of stuff. None of the situations changed but my big take away was how to handle and feel the feelings associated with the situation without drowning in it.   

[TexasProud]

44 minutes ago, Big Buckin' Longhorn said:

Therapist here.

 

Generally, conversations with your therapist should begin to feel increasingly challenging, but not painful. T

Ok, this is EXACTLY what I expected when I went to therapy and it never happened.  I've been to  4 different therapists and basically, I talked just about the entire time. None of them ever challenged me...  If anything, they told me how well I was doing.  It was frustrating for me.  People on here challenged me so much more than any of them. 

So how do you find a GOOD one?

[wendyroo]

41 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Ok, this is EXACTLY what I expected when I went to therapy and it never happened.  I've been to  4 different therapists and basically, I talked just about the entire time. None of them ever challenged me...  If anything, they told me how well I was doing.  It was frustrating for me.  People on here challenged me so much more than any of them. 

So how do you find a GOOD one?

This probably isn't helpful, but here is how it has worked for us.

Step 1 - Be desperate and make an appointment for your most mentally ill child with any therapist your insurance will pay for who has openings. Hate them, but muddle through until they realize your situation is far more dire than they thought and pave the way for you to see a psychiatrist.

Step 2 - See the psychiatrist. Start the child on the meds they recommend. Realize the psychiatrist doesn't have a clue what they are talking about. Make sure they know your life is getting worse, and you are in daily danger, until they refer you to a more experienced psychiatrist who regularly deals with the really disturbed children. 

Step 3 - See the new psychiatrist and for the first time ever experience talking to a medical professional who actually understands what you are going through. Start a whole new med regimen. Get referrals for the only three therapists in the city who can handle your level of disfunction.

Step 4 - Wait. And wait, and wait, and wait because those three therapists are booked solid and can't fit in new patients for 6+ months. And then, as they have openings, get yourself and all your children scheduled as regular patients, even though that requires driving all over the city.

The whole process took us over a decade, but now I am thrilled with our mental health providers.

[fraidycat]

On 4/26/2024 at 9:37 AM, Eos said:

I'm so sorry. Healing is possible.

I was depressed for many years as a young adult and mother. For me, talking with someone was not the point. I needed to " do the work" which was to actually feel what I had spent years just holding onto but not being willing to really feel. It was quite hard to access those feelings because I was really worried that I would not stop crying or would somehow never come out of the feelings, which sounds irrational but was a real fear.  So eventually I decided that feeling all the stuff wouldn't be any worse than the depression I was in so just went for it. I started by sort of accidentally getting angry about a particular situation, then realized my anger was me holding onto a tiny bit of self-love, that I deserved. This was followed by months of tears. I decided that my tears and feelings would be the flash flood and I would be the riverbed. I did do talk therapy during this time but it wasn't especially helpful. After many months of crying and raging, I felt myself become undepressed. The only way I can describe it is as a physical load leaving my chest and shoulders. I thought I would have to spend effort to stop all the repeating thoughts I would have, but they actually went away without any effort on my part.

I really hope you find a modality that works for you. I haven't tried meds or hormones but I know people have good results with them.

You can't push the river but you can make an easier place for the river to flow.

This is similar to my experience. My DEpression turned out to be a lot of emotional REpression. Once I started to feel all the things and process, the depression lifted.

[kbutton]

On 4/26/2024 at 7:01 PM, Rosie_0801 said:

We already have candida in our bodies. Over carbing can raise their population above optimal, which is easy enough to do when we're busy or tired. 

It’s definitely worth looking into physical causes!

I have weird reactions to stuff because of MCAS—I have a brand of chocolate that can throw me into a tailspin. It’s wild.

If you have your ovaries, you could have an imbalance of estrogen/progesterone. It’s not uncommon for estrogen to be too high as well as too low. Progesterone cream makes me rage and have major anxiety (and it spikes my blood sugar). DIM supplements help take down the estrogen—I take even more than my women’s health nurse practitioner thought I would need.

Definitely watch your blood sugar. It can cause major mood and energy issues high or low or spiky. 

[Soror]

On 4/27/2024 at 7:57 PM, Harriet Vane said:

The fact that you have had a hysterectomy really makes me wonder about estrogen and hormone replacement therapy. Since your doctor is clueless, can you see a gynecologist, especially one who specializes in menopause? 

(Hugs) 🤗 

I wanted to echo this sentiment. I think the press has misrepresented the research on HRT to the detriment of many women. Our hormones are HUGE drivers if our emotions and since you have had a hysterectomy I'd investigate this angle first.