My feelings are hurt

[lovinmyboys]

But maybe I’m wrong? I’m currently hiding in the bedroom at my parents house trying not to cry.

We moved to Poland in the summer of 2022. My parents have never visited or said anything about visiting. When we told them my mom said she probably wouldn’t come because she doesn’t like to fly (we lived in the US before but not in the same state). We will be in Poland probably just until June 2025.
 

Anyway, this morning over breakfast my dad said “did your mom tell you we are going to Europe the summer?” I was like no? Then he told us they are going on a group tour of biblical sites in Greece and Italy. Which, those places are not near Poland but I guess I thought they would at least include us in any plans in Europe. We haven’t been to Italy yet and maybe could have joined them.

But I also am aware people are allowed to vacation on the same continent as us and not visit. It is just so weird to me. We have come back for both Christmases so maybe they feel like they have seen us enough. I know my kids would like to show them their lives there. And they have said stuff because I have other family members/inlaws who have made plans to come or have come. 

Edited December 25, 2023 by lovinmyboys

[gardenmom5]

I'm so sorry.  One would think if they made the effort to go to Europe, they would make a little more effort to visit you since you live there.

[regentrude]

Ugh. I am sorry. It's one thing to hate flying, not being well enough to fly, or not having the money - I get that. But to fly to Europe for a vacation and not go to see you, that is thoughtless. I understand that you are hurt.

[sbgrace]

I would be hurt, too. Might it be that they are traveling with a group that is handling all the itinerary and travel arrangements? I"m thinking, in this kind of situation, you do what the group does.

[El...]

I'm sorry. That would hurt my feelings too. 

I sometimes think Europeans travel more regularly than Americans. If I travel to one state in the US, I might not think to hop to the next state to see someone else. But in Europe, it was more routine to move between countries. Oddly enough, in or out of the EU didn't matter. And flights within Europe could be so cheap! 

It's a different style of travel, I think. 

[scholastica]

Just now, sbgrace said:

I would be hurt, too. Might it be that they are traveling with a group that is handling all the itinerary and travel arrangements? I"m thinking, in this kind of situation, you do what the group does.

Right, but, even with that, you can always tack a day or two on after the official trip to go see family. 

[lovinmyboys]

1 minute ago, sbgrace said:

I would be hurt, too. Might it be that they are traveling with a group that is handling all the itinerary and travel arrangements? I"m thinking, in this kind of situation, you do what the group does.

This is what they are doing so I am trying to be understanding. It may be selfish but I guess I thought if they were going to fly, take the time, and pay the money to go to Europe it would be to visit us.

[GoVanGogh]

I am so sorry. I completely understand your disappointment. I live across the US as my family of origin and no one ever comes to visit, even when “in the area” for business or driving past to see their in-law’s family. It hurts. Hugs. 

[math teacher]

I would be disappointed as well. My sister has never been to my house in the sixteen years we moved (about two and half hours from her.) I do see her when I visit my parents three or four times a year.

[bolt.]

I can see that you are hurting, and that's really natural.

But it's also really natural that 2 adults might have travel interests of their own, and that their whole travel agenda doesn't revolve around their desire to see extended family. It's likely that they see this trip as something, not so much a 'vacation' but more like a 'faith enrichment and education experience'. They may have been encouraged, influenced, and comforted on a serious level by the group they are going with. It probably doesn't seem like the same thing at all to them.

It's good that they are getting over their reluctance to fly -- flying is really not as difficult as it seems, and maybe once they have done it once (for this high-interest trip) they will be more willing to do it for you-all and your life in Poland. 

It's natural for kids to outgrow their need for parenting, to partner-up (sometimes), have a nuclear family of their own (sometimes), and place their families in inconvenient countries (sometimes). Parents suffer a little for each step of kids 'out-growing' them. The empty nest is a series of painful trustful releases. What we don't always know is that it's natural for parents to 'outgrow' their kids too: to have lives of their own, and lights in their eyes for reasons other than grandkids and family dinners. When parents release their adult kids (and grandkids) out into the world, one of the ways they do that is by actually releasing them -- by becoming less attached. Not by pining and wishing and waiting and worrying full time. That's healthy. It's not less love (please don't feel unloved) but it's less of something.

So I understand that you feel loss: they don't seem to miss you as much as you thought they would. They don't seem as attached to you (or your kids) as they used to be. That can feel like a loss of love. It's a real loss and a real feeling -- and all your feelings belong, and all of your feelings matter. Take time to really feel them!

But you are not under-loved (unless there's more to the story that we don't know). Please assume you (and your kids) are very much loved by people who have lives of their own, who have desires and interests of their own -- and yes, those sometimes compete with their desire to be together with people they love. It doesn't mean they actually love you less.

Edited December 25, 2023 by bolt.

[lovinmyboys]

Yes @bolt. thank you. That is how I am trying to look at it. To be clear, we won’t see them while they are in Europe and as far as I know they aren’t planning a second trip, but I do agree that they can certainly have trips of their own. I am happy that my parents aren’t just at home wishing they could see us more 😀 

[Miss Tick]

6 minutes ago, bolt. said:

But it's also really natural that 2 adults might have travel interests of their own, and that their whole travel agenda doesn't revolve around their desire to see extended family.

If it were me, this would be fine if they acknowledged the disconnect up front, something like, "I know we said we would never fly over seas, but this opportunity just came up and *reason*." Bonus points if they also said, "we would love to tack on a visit to see you except *reason*" And then it would be nice if they said, "if this goes well, maybe we can arrange a visit to see you later," even if they are unlikely to follow through.

[importswim]

I would also be hurt by the fact that they're going to be so close and didn't have the thought for seeing you guys at the same time. I find it strange.  I guess they're entitled to whatever they want with their time and money, however, and so try not to internalize it too much.

In our family it's the opposite: I live in the US and my whole family lives in England. We took my son to Germany on his graduation trip this summer (his choice of country) and we knew that we'd have to add in a few days beforehand (or after) to go to England to see them as we couldn't (and didn't want to) go that far without seeing them also.

I think it's probably a bigger disappointment that you thought the excuse was that it was just too far for them to travel for whatever reason and so you'd settled with that and then the goal posts got moved and it took you by surprise that it feels like a deliberate slight.

They are probably oblivious to how this feels. Did you ask them if you can visit them while they're there or if they can add on a couple of days to see you guys in Poland?

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I think flying and traveling overseas can be completely overwhelming to some people. My parents would really struggle with trying to figure out how to book airplanes online and transportation, reservations, food and all of that. My mom is not computer or internet savvy and my dad doesn’t have the interest in traveling.  She would greatly struggle to figure out how to use an airline boarding app, call an Uber, all of that kind of stuff. However—with a tour group who planned out all of the things including flights? They’d be all over that if they had the time available. Perhaps it is similar for your parents?

[Pawz4me]

33 minutes ago, scholastica said:

Right, but, even with that, you can always tack a day or two on after the official trip to go see family. 

Is it? I see advertisements here for group trips, and it seems like many of them include total group travel, as in we leave from X airport on this flight, and return on this date on this flight. So I'm wondering how easy it would be to go on a group trip like that but change the travel dates?

But I totally understand being hurt, especially w/o any reason or excuse being given for not arranging a visit.

[catz]

I would be really hurt too.  Especially after the time and expense of coming over for 2 Chrismtas holidays.  

[KungFuPanda]

Could this be a once in a lifetime trip for them? When was the last time they splurged on a couples trip without it being a family visit?  How many times on this board do we encourage people to drop the guilt and take the non-extended-family vacation they really want? Realistically, you wouldn’t expect someone to swing by Atlanta because they happen to be touring Boston. 
 

I understand feeling hurt, but you have let them have this and be happy that they want to travel together and are able to. Maybe after they do this packaged tour they’ll feel more comfortable with future excursions. Their passports will be squared away and they’ll have some experience. It’s also possible that they’re nervous about not having their own room or bathroom for over a week. Aging bodies play cruel tricks. They might need so save up to afford their own space when they see you. Additionally, staying with a busy young family when you’ve gotten used to quiet and routine can be a lot, even if you love them more than life. The packaged tour has an itinerary and guaranteed personal space. If they go all the way to Poland they’re gonna need to stay longer than a weekend. 
 

I’d let them get this trip under their belts then see how they liked it. 

[lovinmyboys]

5 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I think flying and traveling overseas can be completely overwhelming to some people. My parents would really struggle with trying to figure out how to book airplanes online and transportation, reservations, food and all of that. My mom is not computer or internet savvy and my dad doesn’t have the interest in traveling.  She would greatly struggle to figure out how to use an airline boarding app, call an Uber, all of that kind of stuff. However—with a tour group who planned out all of the things including flights? They’d be all over that if they had the time available. Perhaps it is similar for your parents?

Yes I think this is true too. They did a group tour to Canada and loved it for all these reasons. But also, I literally live in Poland. So I could do all of that for them if they wanted to visit. I do think they maybe don’t realize how easy/cheap it would have been to fly from Rome to Warsaw or Athens to Warsaw. But now they have booked the tour with flights so I think it is probably too late. And it may not have ever been possible with the group anyway.
 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by lovinmyboys

[lovinmyboys]

I am going to try to look at it as if I live in Boston and they went to Italy/greece instead of visiting me. I wouldn’t care at all in that case and would be happy they are getting the opportunity.

[Arcadia]

53 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

So I'm wondering how easy it would be to go on a group trip like that but change the travel dates?

It is very easy, especially if it is the coming back date and/or airport that is changed. The travel agent can do it, or the travelers can do it with the airline themselves. My husband and I had gone on many group tours for the convenience and people tag on free and easy days at the end and sometimes fly out of a different airport. 
 

53 minutes ago, lovinmyboys said:

But also, I literally live in Poland. So I could do all of that for them if they wanted to visit. I do think they maybe don’t realize how easy/cheap it would have been to fly from Rome to Warsaw or Athens to Warsaw. But now they have booked the tour with flights so I think it is probably too late. And it may not have ever been possible with the group anyway.

My in-laws outright tells us to pay for every west coast trip they came to “visit” us. They came to tour and the visit part is more like a pit stop. If it is the money part, would you and your husband be okay paying? If it is because they feel better flying back in a group versus by themselves, then that is a harder issue.

[Innisfree]

I would be terribly disappointed, too.

I wonder, though, if they realize how important it feels to you for them to visit you in Poland, and how much it would matter to your kids. Could you have accepted their original reluctance to fly with such good grace that they never realized you wanted them to come?

In family relationships, I think taking a risk in the service of demonstrating that they matter to you is worthwhile. Could you tell them what you said here: that you didn’t think they were willing to travel, but if they are, you’d love to have them extend their trip? Offer help with the logistics, and if money is the issue, with that too if possible. Don’t let lack of communication spoil an opportunity.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, sbgrace said:

I would be hurt, too. Might it be that they are traveling with a group that is handling all the itinerary and travel arrangements? I"m thinking, in this kind of situation, you do what the group does.

It's really easy to change your itinerary when the "tour" is over, and have the travel agent make arrangements to go to your next destination.  Doing a group tour isn't an excuse.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, lovinmyboys said:

Yes I think this is true too. They did a group tour to Canada and loved it for all these reasons. But also, I literally live in Poland. So I could do all of that for them if they wanted to visit. I do think they maybe don’t realize how easy/cheap it would have been to fly from Rome to Warsaw or Athens to Warsaw. But now they have booked the tour with flights so I think it is probably too late. And it may not have ever been possible with the group anyway.
 

 

Unless they are traveling in the next week - it is not too late to change their return flight information to fly to Warsaw, and from Warsaw back to the US.  Domestically at least, airlines are waiving their former change fee - you only pay the difference in airfare.  

[Clarita]

I'm hurt for you. Yes, adults can do whatever they please. Also, though we've absolutely gone on tour groups, business trips that sort of thing and still snuck in some time for people we care about on those trips especially when we are going to the same continent as the family. Poland to Italy is a 2 ish hour flight, maybe I'm too well traveled but that doesn't seem like too much of an imposition. They could or could have figured out a layover or something so they can at least see you for a day or two. 

2 hours ago, bolt. said:

I can see that you are hurting, and that's really natural.

But it's also really natural that 2 adults might have travel interests of their own, and that their whole travel agenda doesn't revolve around their desire to see extended family. It's likely that they see this trip as something, not so much a 'vacation' but more like a 'faith enrichment and education experience'. They may have been encouraged, influenced, and comforted on a serious level by the group they are going with. It probably doesn't seem like the same thing at all to them.

It's good that they are getting over their reluctance to fly -- flying is really not as difficult as it seems, and maybe once they have done it once (for this high-interest trip) they will be more willing to do it for you-all and your life in Poland. 

It's natural for kids to outgrow their need for parenting, to partner-up (sometimes), have a nuclear family of their own (sometimes), and place their families in inconvenient countries (sometimes). Parents suffer a little for each step of kids 'out-growing' them. The empty nest is a series of painful trustful releases. What we don't always know is that it's natural for parents to 'outgrow' their kids too: to have lives of their own, and lights in their eyes for reasons other than grandkids and family dinners. When parents release their adult kids (and grandkids) out into the world, one of the ways they do that is by actually releasing them -- by becoming less attached. Not by pining and wishing and waiting and worrying full time. That's healthy. It's not less love (please don't feel unloved) but it's less of something.

So I understand that you feel loss: they don't seem to miss you as much as you thought they would. They don't seem as attached to you (or your kids) as they used to be. That can feel like a loss of love. It's a real loss and a real feeling -- and all your feelings belong, and all of your feelings matter. Take time to really feel them!

But you are not under-loved (unless there's more to the story that we don't know). Please assume you (and your kids) are very much loved by people who have lives of their own, who have desires and interests of their own -- and yes, those sometimes compete with their desire to be together with people they love. It doesn't mean they actually love you less.

As the child, sometimes we just wish our parents view us more as someone they like and want to spend time with rather than something you just raise. I may bringing my own baggage into this conversation. 

[Bambam]

I'm sorry. I would be hurt too. To fly to your continent - I get wanting to see the stuff they will be seeing, but it would be relatively easy to add a flight to your country and see you, or at the very least to agree to meet somewhere in-between for a mini vacation for both of you? 

I will say that I've seen older adults who are really stressed by being away from home so long with such different environments/food/schedule/etc, so they may be super anxious to get home to their routine again. My retired parents once drove 8-10 hours to see us, eat dinner, and then said they HAD to go home. And they did.  It was bizarre to me at the time, and still is to this day, but it was what it was. I don't think they ever came back. They used to go on vacation with my other sister and her husband though -driving about the same amount of time and staying in motels at their destination. 

[regentrude]

3 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

Additionally, staying with a busy young family when you’ve gotten used to quiet and routine can be a lot, even if you love them more than life. ...

If they go all the way to Poland they’re gonna need to stay longer than a weekend. 

But not if they *are* already in Europe and a mere two- hour flight away. This would have been the perfect opportunity for a short visit if a longer one would be overwhelming. 

Edited December 25, 2023 by regentrude

[marbel]

I'm sorry. I'd be hurt too. I agree with those who are saying that they are adults and can do what they want, but it's still hurtful. It's OK for you to acknowledge that. 

[fairfarmhand]

Older peoples traveling stuff is weird. My mil would go with one set of kids/in-laws to places hours away stay in hotels etc, but driving 2 hours to see us was like going to the backside of the moon. 🤷🏽‍♀️ I don’t know why. I’m sorry your feelings were hurt and I’m glad you’re trying to reframe so it’s Not so painful.

[KungFuPanda]

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

But not if they *are* already in Europe and a mere two- hour flight away. This would have been the perfect opportunity for a short visit if a longer one would be overwhelming. 

I'm with you.  That's what I would do, but I would go just to stay with the kids and babies.  This couple may be pushing their comfort zone scheduling a trip at all.  FWIW I bet they'll regret not adding a leg to the trip.  I just don't know if they'll admit it or not.  Sometimes deciding to do something is harder than actually doing it.

[J-rap]

I'd be hurt too.  Is it a pattern of your parents (or mother) to do strange things like this?  Because it does seem strange to me, and it makes me wonder if she's of some unique personality type.   (I don't mean that negatively, just trying to understand the situation logically because I think sometimes if we understand someone's brain better, we don't take things as personally.)

[TravelingChris]

7 hours ago, scholastica said:

Right, but, even with that, you can always tack a day or two on after the official trip to go see family. 

Yes, we went on a similar church trip to Greece, islands, and Turkey (Ephesus).  At least one couple tacked on extra days to visit a child.  Another joined our tour because they had already been in Europe before the tour started.

We were starioned in Belgium for three years. My brother visited (only immediate family relative of me).  My FIL did not.  However, he didn't like to travel and wasn't close to my husband or my kids.  He was poor but we were willing to pay but he didn't want to come, just like later he didn’t want to come to Florida and even when we lived in DC area (4 hours drive) he didn’t wang to come.  We last saw him when we lived there because we drove up about halfway at a historic place.  

I am sorry for your circumstances.

[Garga]

6 hours ago, Innisfree said:

I would be terribly disappointed, too.

I wonder, though, if they realize how important it feels to you for them to visit you in Poland, and how much it would matter to your kids. Could you have accepted their original reluctance to fly with such good grace that they never realized you wanted them to come?

In family relationships, I think taking a risk in the service of demonstrating that they matter to you is worthwhile. Could you tell them what you said here: that you didn’t think they were willing to travel, but if they are, you’d love to have them extend their trip? Offer help with the logistics, and if money is the issue, with that too if possible. Don’t let lack of communication spoil an opportunity.

This is key. You must ask them. I won’t tell my whole life story about me and my parents, but it’s been a series of all of us not communicating and making up our own reasons for why things did or didn’t happen, which weren’t true at all. We wasted 30 years of our lives believing wrong information about each other and the relationship just can’t be truly fixed now. 

So, flat out say, “I didn’t think you guys wanted to fly out here, but since you do, this is the PERfect time for us to meet up! DH, the kids and I would love to have you see our home. If you’re interested, can we look into tacking on a couple of days at the end of your trip?”

As someone who has lived through these sorts of scenarios with my own parents, I can’t express it strongly enough that you need to talk to them ASAP and do NOT, under any circumstances, let this eat away at you or fester. Lay the cards on the table. Don’t accuse them about how they didn’t think they’d fly out there. Simply merrily say, “I didn’t think you wanted to fly, but since you’ll be out here anyway….”.

Edited December 26, 2023 by Garga

[Ausmumof3]

I don’t think your wrong. The only thing I’m wondering is if maybe they’re going with a tour group and they feel confident to do it in a group where logistics are taken care of but less confident to go off on their own? You should express that you’d really like to see them. 
 

It could also be they’re nervous about the security situation but don’t want to say that to you?

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Garga said:

This is key. You must ask them. I won’t tell my whole life story about me and my parents, but it’s been a series of all of us not communicating and making up our own reasons for why things did or didn’t happen, which weren’t true at all. We wasted 30 years of our lives believing wrong information about each other and the relationship just can’t be truly fixed now. 

So, flat out say, “I didn’t think you guys wanted to fly out here, but since you do, this is the PERfect time for us to meet up! DH, the kids and I would love to have you see our home. If you’re interested, can we look into tacking on a couple of days at the end of your trip?”

As someone who has lived through these sorts of scenarios with my own parents, I can’t express it strongly enough that you need to talk to them ASAP and do NOT, under any circumstances, let this eat away at you or fester. Lay the cards on the table. Don’t accuse them about how they didn’t think they’d fly out there. Simply merrily say, “I didn’t think you wanted to fly, but since you’ll be out here anyway….”.

I agree.

I would be totally honest about how hurt I was, and maybe others will disagree, but unless your parents have some sort of amazing excuse, something like this would probably permanently damage the relationship for me. 

I'm sorry, but I feel like people seem to be excusing this behavior because it's an "extended family" situation -- but it's not. These are your PARENTS, and the idea that they didn't even think to extend their trip in order to visit you is just awful. Honestly, in that situation, if I had the opportunity to either take a group trip to Europe or a trip to see my child and grandchildren, it would be a no-brainer. My own kid and grandkids would win every time.

I wouldn't just be hurt; I would be angry -- and I would be having a very serious talk with my parents to make sure they knew exactly how I felt, and also so I could find out their reasoning to see if there was a legitimate reason why they would travel all the way to Europe, but not bother to make a stop to visit me and my family.

 

[Janeway]

Yep. I tried to call with any reason why your parents behavior is OK and it really isn’t. They clearly prioritize going with their friends over you. This is not OK and you’re 100% right to be hurt. I am sorry they did this.

[Bootsie]

I understand your hurt and confusion.  I worked in Europe during many summers when my kids were little.  I begged my mother to come along--we had a place for her to stay, she had never been to Europe, and I could use a bit of help with the kids.  She never would join us.  She said she had "no reason to go" and "no desire to go"... She was in her late 50s, a widow, in good health, and not working.   Now, that my kids are grown she tells them how much she would have liked to have had the chance to go to Europe, but never had the opportunity???!!??  

If it were my parents I would probably ask if they felt comfortable flying for that trip, is there something that would make them feel comfortable flying to visit our family.  Then I would know if they weren't experienced traveling and were concerned about making their own arrangements, if Italy and Greece had been a life-long dream type of trip they had always wanted to do, or if there was something else going on.

It is easy to think "while they are there, why don't they come visit" but to put it in perspective  it is farther from Warsaw to Rome than it is from Chicago to Houston.  And, I have been part of group travel plans where it has not been easy, or cost effective, for someone to change their travel from the pre-arranged group travel; it really depends upon what type of tour travel it is.  I have found that it is sometimes cheaper to return to the US and then take a completely separate trip to another destination than to change the tour itinerary to add on another destination. 

[kirstenhill]

32 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

 And, I have been part of group travel plans where it has not been easy, or cost effective, for someone to change their travel from the pre-arranged group travel; it really depends upon what type of tour travel it is.  I have found that it is sometimes cheaper to return to the US and then take a completely separate trip to another destination than to change the tour itinerary to add on another destination. 

Group travel can be tricky if the airfare is purchased together at a group rate through a travel agent.  My husband traveled with a group last year where that was the case, and a couple people had last minute issues that came up - they were not able to individually change their tickets because of the stipulations the tickets had been purchased under.  It seemed like a weird situation to me - the people ended up not going on the trip because of the inflexibility of the type of ticket they had (obviously they could have purchased entirely new tickets to fly a day or two later, but apparently they weren't able to swing the cost financially).    Not excusing the whole weirdness with the OP's parents, but just thinking that depending on the situation it might not be as easy as just changing their ticket to add another destination.

[prairiewindmomma]

Are your parents Mormon? This seems like a problem I see reoccurring among friends and family I have. This seems to fall in the category of things like parents who go on back to back missions missing all of their kids’ weddings, or those who won’t swap temple service days when their kids are in town for only 48 hours or the like. Religious trips/service/things seem to be in a different mental bucket than family, and there’s a lack of flexible thinking there.

I am sorry you are hurting. I would be too.

[Ginevra]

I would be hurt, too and imagine I would feel exactly as you do. I do, in fact, re: my dad spending Christmas with my sister; it feels like a similar type of rebuff. It would be like my going to the state where my daughter lives now (which I can’t reasonably drive to and can only fly), going for a few hikes and then heading back home. I would never do that! Even if I were going with friends or on a group trip. 
 

I do think people have the “right” to use their vacation time and money any way they like, but I would still feel the way you expressed here. If you’re going to the effort of flying across an ocean, you should be able to see your own kid while you’re there! 

[fraidycat]

I would feel very hurt, too. I would also speak up now about that hurt so that of there is a chance to do anything different - either visit you, or you meet them and spend a couple days together in Italy after their tour, that arrangements can possibly be made if their flights need to be changed.

[Lady Florida.]

17 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

I'm sorry, but I feel like people seem to be excusing this behavior because it's an "extended family" situation -- but it's not. These are your PARENTS, and the idea that they didn't even think to extend their trip in order to visit you is just awful. Honestly, in that situation, if I had the opportunity to either take a group trip to Europe or a trip to see my child and grandchildren, it would be a no-brainer. My own kid and grandkids would win every time.

I wouldn't just be hurt; I would be angry -- and I would be having a very serious talk with my parents to make sure they knew exactly how I felt, and also so I could find out their reasoning to see if there was a legitimate reason why they would travel all the way to Europe, but not bother to make a stop to visit me and my family.

 

I agree 💯

We are fortunate that both ds and dss are local. If one of them lived far away, either across the country or the world and I was traveling near them I'd do everything I could to get in a visit. As a parent of adult child and as a grandparent I can't imagine being close and not going to see them.

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, Lady Florida. said:

I agree 💯

We are fortunate that both ds and dss are local. If one of them lived far away, either across the country or the world and I was traveling near them I'd do everything I could to get in a visit. As a parent of adult child and as a grandparent I can't imagine being close and not going to see them.

Yes, I can't imagine not putting my own family first! And if I couldn't do both trips, I would prioritize my family over an organized tour.

[Kanin]

I don't think it's weird for them to go to Italy/Greece and not *necessarily* visit, but I'd expect to be included in discussions about whether it's feasible to visit, timeframes, etc.  Even a courtesy "we'd love to visit, but unfortunately we can't make it work" type of thing.

[marbel]

20 minutes ago, Kanin said:

I don't think it's weird for them to go to Italy/Greece and not *necessarily* visit, but I'd expect to be included in discussions about whether it's feasible to visit, timeframes, etc.  Even a courtesy "we'd love to visit, but unfortunately we can't make it work" type of thing.

This is it for me, really. It would bother me that they completely ignored the fact I was on the same continent. I think open communication as Garga suggested above is really the way to go here. I'd at least let them know how hurt I was and let them explain (if they even could).

Families can be so weird. My in-laws would not visit us (750 miles away) but traveled further than that for other things. They prioritized their college football games over visits from us. (Then they wondered why they had no relationship with their grandkids.)  If one of my kids was to get married, I honestly don't think they'd come. But if Georgia is in a championship game? They'd be there. 

[Miss Tick]

46 minutes ago, marbel said:

Families can be so weird.

QFT!

Before they suddenly moved 12 hours away, my in-laws would drive past our house (20 minutes from highway to us) on their way to a vacation spot, but would decline to stop by over night or for a meal or a meet up at a coffee shop, nothing. It was so strange.

[katilac]

My feelings would be very hurt. 

I would find it maddening that they talk about the this trip with absolutely no acknowledgement that they have said they'd likely not come to see you because your mom doesn't like to fly. I would feel like they're just hoping you don't mention it either. 

If it were me, I'd be bringing it up, lol: I'm curious, what made you change your mind about flying to Europe? 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

Could you tell them how close they’ll be airplane wise to you? I think if they aren’t particularly well traveled they may not have considered how much smaller Europe is.  Last time I was at DisneyWorld we sat next to a European couple on the bus who was absolutely astounded that they couldn’t drive from Orlando to see the Grand Canyon and then hop up to the Statue of Liberty.  They were clearly an older couple who hadn’t been to the US and didn’t have a clue about what the size really meant as far as travel times.  I could easily see the scenario being flip flopped for Europe.

[Meriwether]

17 hours ago, marbel said:

This is it for me, really. It would bother me that they completely ignored the fact I was on the same continent. I think open communication as Garga suggested above is really the way to go here. I'd at least let them know how hurt I was and let them explain (if they even could).

Families can be so weird. My in-laws would not visit us (750 miles away) but traveled further than that for other things. They prioritized their college football games over visits from us. (Then they wondered why they had no relationship with their grandkids.)  If one of my kids was to get married, I honestly don't think they'd come. But if Georgia is in a championship game? They'd be there. 

My in-laws did come for Dd20's high school graduation. They even stayed with us. But they were gone almost the whole time visiting with friends who live about an hour from us. They were late to the graduation party and didn't eat because they had gotten ice cream with their friends. They also don't understand why the grandkids don't visit.

[Garga]

1 hour ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

 absolutely astounded that they couldn’t drive from Orlando to see the Grand Canyon and then hop up to the Statue of Liberty. 

😂 

[Bootsie]

I am curious of what expectations are regarding including one's parents or one's grown children in vacation discussions.  This past summer, DH and I were in Europe and he returned to the US without seeing our daughter who is living in Europe (I extended my stay and visited her).  I don't think there were hard feelings that he didn't visit.  Is it different because he has been to visit her before?  Is it relative distances that are important?  Would it be the same if the parents lived in Seattle and decided to go to Orlando for a vacation and not also stop in New York to see their children who live there while they are "so close"?