I expect for my DIL(s) to be closer to their moms than me, do you?

[Carrie12345]

7 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

So, back to my question. Am I the weird one here that I don't expect my DIL(s) to view me equally with their mom?

(I have no dils or sils yet.)

I don’t have expectations.  Relationships grow, or not, and evolve, or devolve.  Everyone comes with different relationships with their FOO, which also may or may not continue to change. Add a baby and things can get very interesting!

With my firstborn, my mother wanted next to nothing to do with my pregnancy. She did not handle me being 20/21, unmarried, and pregnant well. My boyfriend’s mother did, and her support was so helpful during that time. She ASKED (genuine, not demanding) to come to an ultrasound and I was fine with having her there.  Had bf and I stayed together, I can imagine that I would have seen her as another Mom.
I asked my mother to come to the birth and she did, but they wouldn’t let both her and bf in, so she was outside. But she tried! Bf’s mom would have made me more anxious.   Neither grandmother complained.  

THEN, bf’s father (divorced) somehow invited himself to stay on my couch from my very first night home, locked my cat in a closet because he doesn’t like cats, and was offended that I requested food when he asked bf to go out to dinner THAT NIGHT. Some people are just effed in the head. I still resent him.

FF to my second born, dh’s first. (My mom lived 1,000 miles away at this point.) I had spent almost 3 years trying to have a decent relationship with MIL, but she was offended that I didn’t call her Mom. She, fil, and sil, with ds, somehow managed to get access to my delivery room after dd was born, but before I had the chance to get up, get myself cleaned up and mesh panties secured, and had a fresh bed made. While I was making my first ever attempt at latching a baby.  I didn’t throw a fit because ds was there. Also, I had had an exhausting delivery. But that woman was never going to become Mom after that!

Anyway, can I imagine being Mom-esque to an IL? Sure. If it happened naturally. Do I have any expectation that that’s how things will go? Absolutely not.

 

 

[mlktwins]

Your daughter is having twins? If so, she may want as many hands on deck as possible. My DH and I don’t even remember much of those first couple of months. But…I would set up rules/boundaries with them and also make sure FIL knows that breastfeeding is priority and he needs to step out when that is going on. I have never been so exhausted in my whole life as those first couple of months with my twins - especially while recovering from a c-section. My in-laws lived close by and I loved them dearly. They came over every evening for about 3 hours to love on them. I think this went on for at least 6 months. It gave me time to shower, take a short nap, etc. They also brought us a lot of meals. My dad also came over a lot during the day. I lost my mom before i married DH so I didn’t have her help.

[Guest]

Haven’t yet read the replies; will go back and do so in a minute. 
 

To your first question, no; I do not expect future DILs or my SIL to call me “mom”; I don’t even think I would like that especially. I do not expect a particularly close relationship. In fact, I think I survive emotionally because I don’t place many expectations on adult kids at all. I acknowledge that they have their own lives and, while I’m happy to see them, help them, be friends with them, I do not score-keep of butt into their lives. 
 

The one thing in your OP that I don’t feel is this: I would view any grandkids as equal potential to be involved in my life, whether it’s my daughter’s babies or my sons’. (Nobody has babies yet.) For one thing, proximity makes a difference; my dd is currently planning to move far away. I have no idea where my boys will end up living. If grandkids are born in other states a couple thousand miles away, I will not have that much access to them whether they are my dd’s kids or my sons’. 
 

In your particular case, ideally your sons-in-law would be mature and say, “Mom, Dad, we love you to pieces but we do not invite you to camp here when we have babies. We need time to be parents without others. You’re welcome to visit but not stay.” Ideally, this is what would happen. If that’s not possible, the dds need to say it (except not “mom”!) 

 

FWIW, I was closer to my MIL than my mom. There are complex reasons why this is so, but it would not have happened if I felt demanded upon to be anything. 
 

Now, to read other replies. 

[HomeAgain]

I think helpful inlaws can be a good thing.

I think inlaws who want to see themselves as guests, or want to dominate status in a couple's lives are..more of a hindrance than a help.  They are more exhausting, more frustrating, and there will be no rest.

Whether they like it or not, young couples have to come to a conclusion about how the one will handle their own parents and present a united front with their spouse.  Otherwise, there runs a great risk of the spouse not dealing at all with the inlaws and packing up the kids to take them to their own parents' home.

I honestly don't care if my future DILs see me as a close person or not.  Certainly not mom.  DS23 tried to explain to his girlfriend that I'm the scary one in the family 😂 and she refuses to believe him, thinking dh is much scarier than I am but that both of us are much saner than her family.  So, I don't care.  I'm never going to be that MIL that requests holidays or being first in their lives.  I figure grown-a$$ adults can make these decisions all by themselves.

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

She will be induced and they know the date. 

She is trying to be sweet and just accept it but she is so private that I feel like she will regret that. I tried to really express to her like... you'll leak, you'll get engorged, you'll be bleeding heavily, etc. I just want her to make the best decision for her that is an informed one.  ETA: so my suggestion for her was not to say no but to say "we'll see how I feel" 

I actually think “no” is better, not “we’ll see how we feel.” Flimsy boundaries suck because she has the continuing anxiety of not wanting them there but they still have their hopes up that she’ll decide yes.

Trying to be sweet will bite her in the ass. Ask me how I know…

[marbel]

My MIL came to stay and help when our kids were born. My mom was much older, somewhat frail, and not capable of helping much. She did not like handling newborns (nervous about holding them correctly, etc) and she had helped with her 6 grandchildren who had come before mine. My MIL had no other grandchildren and was eager to help. 

She tried to help but it didn't work out well. She and I had different views on such things as nursing on demand (she thought I nursed too often). She didn't cook. But all in all, I was glad for her to come. 

But if she had offered to come and I didn't want her, my husband would have told her no. There is no question about that. He understood his responsibility to care for me as well as the baby. His relationship with his mother was not more important than the comfort and well-being of his wife and child. 

I'm sorry your son-in-law does not understand that and is allowing his mother to remain primary in his life. 

Edited February 8, 2023 by marbel

[Soror]

Oh vey!

I don't know that most of the issues with MILs is that they expect the same relationship with dil's as a mother. What I see is that mil doesn't like that I supplanted her as the most important female in dh's life. She is also not great with empathy and is bossy. 

I would have loved some help when ds was born but I would have not liked to have my inlaws staying with me. 

I didn't invite anyone in when ds was born other than dh and my mom, that's it. I don't understand people that have a whole room full. Dh and Mom were there for baby 2 as well. 3 and 4 it was just dh and the midwife.

I'd say SIL needs to grow a pair for his wife's sake. He needs to follow her lead about what she is comfortable with as she is the one that will be healing and nursing for the first time. 

I'd be gently encouraging dd to talk to her dh about how important this is to her in no uncertain terms.

Edited February 8, 2023 by Soror

[lauraw4321]

I’m one of three in-laws in my husband’s family. I’m an only child. The other in-laws call my MIL and FIL “mom” and “dad.”  I don’t. My in laws are absolutely lovely people, but I wasn’t raised this way and it makes me uncomfortable. TBH, I think it made my MIL uncomfortable at first, but she has adjusted. 

[TexasProud]

Will I expect if of my DIL... well, first I would have to have a daughter-in-law... 🙂

So, no I would not expect them to call me mom.  I would imitate my MIL.  I would do nothing but shower them with love and encouragement and let them tell me how much they want for me to be involved.  My mom was the only one, other than my husband, in the delivery room for all of my children.  For my 2nd and 3rd births, my in-laws stayed with the other children and came soon after.   But pressure was probably off because there daughter had a baby within days of my 1st and 2nd one. So they had to spread the love around.  Now my daughter did get spoiled much more because at that point, she was the only grand-daughter on both sides.

I don't know what advice to give because our relationships with both sets of parents have been so easy. They both just took us on our terms. If I didn't want them to come. I said so or whatever.  I don't know. It wasn't hard.  I hope to be that kind of in-law if I ever get the chance.

My relationship with my mom changed over the last 10-15 years and I am not completely sure why.  We were very close and then she just kind of dropped out of the picture. I wonder if some was cognitive changes or what.  But my mom considered us very close at the end.  It was just a different relationship. My children and I have talked about it. Mom's house was perfect.  She was polite. But no one ever felt at home in her presence. Hard to explain. And as the years went on we spent less and less time with her and more with my in-laws. 

 

[Grace Hopper]

10 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

 

 

 

 

What I've suggested to DD in our convos is to say that they are welcome to visit for a few hours but that she will have to see how she feels before she commits to overnight visits? Do y'all think that is reasonable advice?

I guess you could call that reasonable but dd already knows she doesn’t want them staying while she’s trying to learn how to nurse. Why string them along with “I need to wait to see how I feel”?

Tell the in-laws now that they plan to have the first couple of weeks with no guests other than those they specifically request. It’s not a time to demand equal time. 
 

I swear y’all, becoming a grandparent is a really special thing, but it brings out the most irrational behaviors in some people. I had twins with extended relative visitors forcing themselves in after the birth. It was awful, and decades later I still regret not being more honest, vocal, and firm about what I needed and wanted in my own home at one of the most intensely stressful times of my life. 
 

Gah, I need to go make some coffee. Anne, I agree with you. 

Edited February 8, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[Terabith]

I’m shocked by how many of y’all wanted your own mothers in the delivery room.  It really offended my mother but I was adamant that nobody other than my husband and the medical people would be there.  In general I have a better relationship with my MIL than my own mom, but no way in the delivery room.  

[Grace Hopper]

10 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Also, y'all ... totally different question. DD says if they do come, she absolutely still wants me there. I don't know? I feel like this will cause issues with them (maybe this is my trauma from the drama bw my ILs and parents) but  I feel they will want their space and be bitter about my presence? I expressed this to DD and she said (almost with tears) "I don't care, I want you there for me. They can hold babies but *I* need you." 

If your daughter is wanting you to be on her team, you need to go be on her team. I wonder if she feels she needs you there as her spokesman in case no one else will. To be the one to say “she’s had enough!”

[Emba]

1 minute ago, Terabith said:

I’m shocked by how many of y’all wanted your own mothers in the delivery room.  It really offended my mother but I was adamant that nobody other than my husband and the medical people would be there.  In general I have a better relationship with my MIL than my own mom, but no way in the delivery room.  

I had only my DH and the medical people as well. I’m not even sure my mom would have wanted to be there. I didn’t ask, because I had no intention of inviting her. Even after I was cleaned up and ready for people, I was much more comfortable with my family being at the hospital than DH’s. I was upset at the time that my BIL showed up before the baby was there and was outside the room while I was still in screaming labor. 

[JustEm]

6 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I’m shocked by how many of y’all wanted your own mothers in the delivery room.  It really offended my mother but I was adamant that nobody other than my husband and the medical people would be there.  In general I have a better relationship with my MIL than my own mom, but no way in the delivery room.  

I'm a little shocked too and I have a great relationship with my mom. So, great that I invited her to live with us when we bought a bigger house.

But no chance in hell was she going to step foot in that delivery room.

 

[fairfarmhand]

12 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I’m shocked by how many of y’all wanted your own mothers in the delivery room.  It really offended my mother but I was adamant that nobody other than my husband and the medical people would be there.  

Same. 

[JustEm]

2 minutes ago, Emba said:

I had only my DH and the medical people as well. I’m not even sure my mom would have wanted to be there. I didn’t ask, because I had no intention of inviting her. Even after I was cleaned up and ready for people, I was much more comfortable with my family being at the hospital than DH’s. I was upset at the time that my BIL showed up before the baby was there and was outside the room while I was still in screaming labor. 

My wonderful husband did not tell me that there were people waiting in the waiting room when I was delivering our firstborn. I would have lost it because, even though they were no where near where I was so couldn't hear me, the thought of them expecting to be invited into our room once he was born would have been the only thing I would have focused on.

But dh didn't tell me and he also didn't let anyone actually visit in the room until the next day. So, why they were there. I don't know, ha

[marbel]

6 minutes ago, Emba said:

I had only my DH and the medical people as well. I’m not even sure my mom would have wanted to be there. I didn’t ask, because I had no intention of inviting her. Even after I was cleaned up and ready for people, I was much more comfortable with my family being at the hospital than DH’s. I was upset at the time that my BIL showed up before the baby was there and was outside the room while I was still in screaming labor. 

It was easy for me to have only my husband and the hospital staff there, because we lived far away from everyone.

But re: the bolded - I don't understand the desire of extended family to be at the hospital. I love all 6 of my nieces and nephews and was excited when they were born. But I couldn't imagine going and hanging out at the hospital. I'm sure at the time I was not thinking of my sister/SIL's comfort but my own lack of interest in  hanging around a hospital for hours waiting for the birth to happen. I wouldn't even presume to be at my own grandchild's birth unless I was asked to be there. 

[Emba]

11 minutes ago, marbel said:

It was easy for me to have only my husband and the hospital staff there, because we lived far away from everyone.

But re: the bolded - I don't understand the desire of extended family to be at the hospital. I love all 6 of my nieces and nephews and was excited when they were born. But I couldn't imagine going and hanging out at the hospital. I'm sure at the time I was not thinking of my sister/SIL's comfort but my own lack of interest in  hanging around a hospital for hours waiting for the birth to happen. I wouldn't even presume to be at my own grandchild's birth unless I was asked to be there. 

I went to the hospital when my sister had her babies, but when my sister in law had hers I made a point of not going to the hospital. I let her know I was excited and would love to see the baby but that I would be by in a week or so to do it (in case she got offended that we didn’t come right away, since families are different). She appreciated it.

[lmrich]

The hospital will absolutely run inteference with who is allowd in the delivery room. My in-laws arrived just  at the end of my first birth and were not allowed in. They did not let my sister in , who was 8 months pregnant,  because  my epidural had fallen  out and they did not want her to see/experience the trauma so close to giving birth herself. 

Would  it be possible for the in-laws to stay at your house?

I had my mom stay with me for about a week, and then the  inlaws came to  stay for a long weekend about a week later. It was really nice to get help with the baby then when my body was a little more predictable. 

It  would be lovely  if you all could have chat about it in a nice and healthy way. 

[1234]

38 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I’m shocked by how many of y’all wanted your own mothers in the delivery room.  It really offended my mother but I was adamant that nobody other than my husband and the medical people would be there.  In general I have a better relationship with my MIL than my own mom, but no way in the delivery room.  

Yeah, I wanted no one other than dh in the delivery room or at home with me for the first two weeks. I had traumatic births with both and I really didn’t want to be around anyone other than dh (and babies, of course) at first. 

My soon to be DIL calls me mom. I find it a little weird but I’m rolling with it. I was also the one parent who went wedding dress shopping with her so I’m guessing there’s a reason she’s calling me mom as her own doesn’t seem too involved right now. Again, I’m just rolling with it and hope it all works out.

[shawthorne44]

I think because I have an Evil Grandmother, I know how horrible a MIL can be.   So, my hope was that my future MIL wouldn't be a witch.  I'd put my MIL in the precise middle, so definitely not a witch.  

I don't think what is going on with your kids and their MILs isn't precisely a MIL problem.    I really think it is a parent-child relationship problem that has spilled over onto the spouse.  

[Eos]

10 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Or, to look at it another way, as witness to their wedding oughtn't you be a person who helps their marriage through the tricky bits? It is considered appropriate in our cultures to leave people to work themselves out when they are most vulnerable, but is it really best practice?

I love this.

[teachermom2834]

My three boys are not married but have very serious girlfriends so I can see the scenarios play out. One is very close to her mom and has a healthy relationship so I will be a MIL for sure and a second called in and that seems totally appropriate and expected. Second has a mother with limitations such that the daughter is more of the caretaker than the mother so when the time comes (if the time ever comes) for babies and there is an actual need for help it will be me in that role but I would still make sure from an emotional standpoint it was understood I was not the mother. Third girlfriend is estranged from her mother and would absolutely look to me in the mother role.

So I will likely end up playing the mother role in the lives of some of my DILs to some degree. But it isn’t the natural way and it is the result of sad circumstances. I am happy to fill in but I would be happier if they had healthy functioning moms and relationships with them. I would never look to fill that space for my own needs.

My MIL always felt slighted that she wasn’t my mom and she was never nice enough for me to want to make efforts. She even said to me once during the planning of my wedding “I wish you didn’t have a mom but you do.” Who says such a thing?!? I no longer have a mom but it hasn’t made me want to make her mine!

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

I’m shocked by how many of y’all wanted your own mothers in the delivery room.  It really offended my mother but I was adamant that nobody other than my husband and the medical people would be there.  In general I have a better relationship with my MIL than my own mom, but no way in the delivery room.  

I only wanted my mom, and only that first time, because I was SUPER scared. And knew my bf would be useless. Which he was. But I puked on his shoes, so haha!

[Scarlett]

When dss26’s wife went in to labor it was during Covid and she could only have one person with her at the hospital. She chose her mother.  Dss had just had back surgery so I think that factored into it. At any rate she went home the next day and we wanted to go see the baby…..but it did not happen.  They were living with her parents and we offered to drive there and visit briefly but nope.  They finally let us see our grandchild when he was 4 months old.  And for anyone thinking it was because of Covid….no it was not.  They were all a bunch of Covid denyers (is that a word?).  I have no idea what her deal was. We had not had any problems.  And then after being that way about her newborn she kicks dss out when the baby was 11 months old and now she only has her child half time.  
 

All of that to say I think it would be really reasonable to let the grandparents see the baby pretty quickly after the birth but absolutely agree that if she doesn’t want them to stay over night they should respect that. 
 

Dh and I both feel our DIL was very disrespectful of us to not let us see the baby for 4 months.  I honestly have never in my life heard of any grandparent being refused for that long after birth.  

[Bambam]

My experience is so different. Both my mom and MIL lived far away, and neither would have been welcome in the delivery room, or quite frankly, at home soon after birth. MIL is a very sweet lady, and I love her, but she would not have been much help and would have been a major issue dealing with all her worries. My mom never liked babies. My sister had to actually guilt her into coming to see the baby like four months later. Looking back, it probably would have been better if they had not made that trip. 

I only have girls, and if they have children, I have no idea if they would want me in the delivery room. If they want me, I will be there, but I'm not asking. I'm fine in the waiting room, or at home waiting for a phone call notification. I will ask if they want help when they get baby home, but I'm a big believer, if possible, of dad and mom spending that first week or two alone with baby and their other children. But I'm willing to come and do whatever - probably for as long as they want.  

I've felt for women having babies during COVID - especially if the grandparents have seriously different attitudes about COVID. Just a stressful situation all around. I am not sure what I would have done if anyone wanted to come visit but wasn't in line with our attitudes toward COVID and being reasonably safe. 

 

[Toocrazy!!]

I only have one child - a son, and I have zero idea if I’ll ever have a DIL😀 but my MIL was a great role model and I plan to follow in those footsteps as closely as I can. 
DH was the only one in the room, and looking back it was weird that so many people were waiting at the hospital. I think both sets of grandparents and two brothers. They all did come in to see us that day, but I don’t remember the exact time sequence. 
MIL was much more supportive and helpful than my mom. We all live close by, but she was the one to bring me my favorite foods every day, short visits, no pressure. She was a true gem! I miss her every day. 

[QueenCat]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

When dss26’s wife went in to labor it was during Covid and she could only have one person with her at the hospital. She chose her mother.  Dss had just had back surgery so I think that factored into it. At any rate she went home the next day and we wanted to go see the baby…..but it did not happen.  They were living with her parents and we offered to drive there and visit briefly but nope.  They finally let us see our grandchild when he was 4 months old.  And for anyone thinking it was because of Covid….no it was not.  They were all a bunch of Covid denyers (is that a word?).  I have no idea what her deal was. We had not had any problems.  And then after being that way about her newborn she kicks dss out when the baby was 11 months old and now she only has her child half time.  
 

All of that to say I think it would be really reasonable to let the grandparents see the baby pretty quickly after the birth but absolutely agree that if she doesn’t want them to stay over night they should respect that. 
 

Dh and I both feel our DIL was very disrespectful of us to not let us see the baby for 4 months.  I honestly have never in my life heard of any grandparent being refused for that long after birth.  

I remember this. It made me so sad for you. And I agree,  months was NOT reasonable, caring, nice, etc. 

[wintermom]

I'm not a mother-in-law yet nor a grandmother, so I can't provide personal experience there. As a daughter and dit, I've been very fortunate to have a truly wonderful mil. My dh and I live much closer geographically to his parents than mine. When we were expecting our first baby, I asked my mil to join dh and I in the delivery room. She was surprised (possibly because none of her dds made this request), but happily accepted the invitation. My own mother had already told me she would not fly out for the delivery, but preferred to give me space and wait until later. I was surprised about this, but accepted it as an attempt to anticipate my needs. I ended up having an emergency c-section, so mil wasn't able to be in the room though she was ready to visit when I was ready to have visitors. By day 2 in the hospital, I phoned my mom and asked her to fly out as I really wanted her help and support (she was an NICU nurse for decades). She expressed some hesitation about stepping on mil's toes, but ended up coming. It was so nice, as the grandmas got along really well, I appreciated and needed all the help I could get while recoverying from surgery.

My suggestion for the OP is to  listen to your dd's request to be there at the birth, but also be flexible in case something happens and circumstances change. Other than that, it sounds like you will be a wonderful mil! I'm sorry your dds are dealing with more challenging mils. It must be really great for them to have a positive and stable relationship with you. I'm sure that this will be really important for them.

Edited February 8, 2023 by wintermom

[SKL]

So many factors, but all other things being equal, yes, I think young adult women feel more comfortable with their own moms, follow their own moms' traditions, etc.  And MILs should expect that.

That said, I don't know how a young adult woman can politely explain this to a MIL who doesn't understand.  I guess I would try to explore why MIL didn't learn this from her own life experience.  Maybe her own mother not as easy to deal with as her MIL.  I can think of lots of examples of that, including some in my own family.  I could see how that would affect expectations.  Another thought is if the MIL in question doesn't have adult daughters of her own, so she doesn't quite understand what young women need from their moms, which is different from what guys need IMO.

Thinking on this reminds me how blessed we are to live in a culture that doesn't force girls to give MIL priority.

[marbel]

2 minutes ago, SKL said:

That said, I don't know how a young adult woman can politely explain this to a MIL who doesn't understand.  I guess I would try to explore why MIL didn't learn this from her own life experience.

Well, I think people don't necessarily learn from their own experiences. They expect things to be the way they want them to be.

Just as an example though, my sister and her husband had no contact with his parents, so she never dealt with a MIL. She had only her own mother. And so, when she became a MIL she carried over that experience, and had a rude awakening when she had to "share" her kids/grandkids with their in-law families. I mean, she was smart enough to know that her kids-in-law had parents, but that knowledge didn't transfer to her feelings and actions. 

[SHP]

I am closer to one adultlings GF than she is her mother. We have way more in common than she does with her own mother and we both have a common interest that makes my adultling run from the room when we discuss, draw and make them.

 

[KungFuPanda]

3 hours ago, Terabith said:

I’m shocked by how many of y’all wanted your own mothers in the delivery room.  It really offended my mother but I was adamant that nobody other than my husband and the medical people would be there.  In general I have a better relationship with my MIL than my own mom, but no way in the delivery room.  

I wanted my mom there, she drove through an ice storm to get there, and then I kicked her out!  We're still laughing about this.  My labor was long enough that she was there for quite a while, but once it got really difficult her face told me it was really hard for her to see me in pain. She didn't say or do anything wrong, but the woman should never play poker.  At this point it was almost morning anyway.  Her and DSD napped in the waiting room until the baby was born.  Then the went ahead to my house where they were the best "guests" ever for a week.  They were like these ghosts who took care of everything with the house, food, and dogs and just let me and Dh focus on the baby.  

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

When dss26’s wife went in to labor it was during Covid and she could only have one person with her at the hospital. She chose her mother.  Dss had just had back surgery so I think that factored into it. At any rate she went home the next day and we wanted to go see the baby…..but it did not happen.  They were living with her parents and we offered to drive there and visit briefly but nope.  They finally let us see our grandchild when he was 4 months old.  And for anyone thinking it was because of Covid….no it was not.  They were all a bunch of Covid denyers (is that a word?).  I have no idea what her deal was. We had not had any problems.  And then after being that way about her newborn she kicks dss out when the baby was 11 months old and now she only has her child half time.  
 

All of that to say I think it would be really reasonable to let the grandparents see the baby pretty quickly after the birth but absolutely agree that if she doesn’t want them to stay over night they should respect that. 
 

Dh and I both feel our DIL was very disrespectful of us to not let us see the baby for 4 months.  I honestly have never in my life heard of any grandparent being refused for that long after birth.  

This is heartbreaking.  I get that a mother is closer to her daughter than a daughter-in-law, but the grandparents are going to be equally enamored with a grandchild.  I'm currently on baby watch because my daughter could deliver any time in February and your situation feels so so sad.  I'd be really upset and I'm generally not rattled, but this baby has me feeling some strong feelings.

[Grace Hopper]

5 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

.  They were like these ghosts who took care of everything with the house, food, and dogs and just let me and Dh focus on the baby.  

 

This is an important point. I’ve experienced visiting grannies who wanted to help by doing all the baby handling. And a helpful hand with a diaper change was appreciated. But the biggest help is someone to keep the other aspects of the household running so the parents can focus on their new infant. What wonderful help you had, KFP. 

[KungFuPanda]

9 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

This is an important point. I’ve experienced visiting grannies who wanted to help by doing all the baby handling. And a helpful hand with a diaper change was appreciated. But the biggest help is someone to keep the other aspects of the household running so the parents can focus on their new infant. What wonderful help you had, KFP. 

It was a perfect blessing.  I STILL appreciate it and that baby is about to have her own baby.  I aspire to be the exact amount of help she needs and wants. My daughter is only 40 minutes from me so I can day trip everything without Dd worrying about overnight guests.  My mom even did our laundry.  She's a gem . . . easy to talk to, easy to live with; I really won the mom lottery.  I keep trying to get her to move in with us but she keeps turning me down. 😆

[Arcadia]

4 hours ago, hjffkj said:

 

But dh didn't tell me and he also didn't let anyone actually visit in the room until the next day. So, why they were there. I don't know, ha

 

4 hours ago, marbel said:

 

But re: the bolded - I don't understand the desire of extended family to be at the hospital. 

At the hospital where DS17 was born, the waiting room is far from the maternity ward. I think grandparents tend to want to see the newborns as soon as they are clean up. Also the grandfathers and/or siblings are usually there in case there is a need to fetch things from home or buy things from nearby stores. My friend’s sister and brother-in-law were there to run errands just in case so that her husband can stay put in her hospital room and help her with toileting. 

[Bootsie]

 

This varies so much by family and culture. Personally, I did not want anyone at the hospital while for the birth besides DH and medical staff.  After the baby was born, visiting at the hospital or my home was fine.  

My mother was working as a volunteer at the hospital where I was going to deliver, and I hoped I did not go into labor while she was there.  However, other people would have large crowds of people gather for the birth.   My mom routinely had people come to the reception desk where she was volunteering  who wanted to know where "Maria" was.  When she asked for Maria's last name the visitor would respond "I don't know here last name--she is Johnny's cousin and is having a baby."  

[stephanier.1765]

Let me tell you, it's hard being the mom of only boys in regards to grandchildren. Yes, DIL should be closer to her mom but that doesn't make me less important of a grandparent. I don't expect to be in the delivery room but I do hope to be able to visit while they are still in the hospital. I hope I can help as much as they need, even if it's staying up with the baby at night so mom and dad can get much needed sleep. I absolutely hope to be just as important to my grandchildren as they are to their maternal one. It would be impossible for me to love them any more than I do. They are the light of my life and just the thought of them puts a stupid grin on my face. But mother's wishes always are assumed to more important than father's, so even though I try to have great relationships with my DILs, one is glued to her mother's side and that makes navigating any sort of relationship very, very difficult and this is the one who is the mother of my grandchildren. I have cried more tears over this than I can express.

[Terabith]

While I was adamant I did not want anyone there while I was in labor, I actually appreciated company afterwards.  I wanted to show off the baby, and also hospitals were really boring.  
 

Both sets of parents were far away when I had my kids, but the original plan with my first was my parents would come drive down when I was in labor or delivered, and my in laws would fly in two weeks later and stay a week.  But my first was two weeks late, and I was in labor while my in laws were flying to our house.  It was before they had cell phones, and we were supposed to pick them up from the airport, so my dh called the airline and left a message for them to take a taxi to the hospital and then they could drive our car to the little apartment in our complex for guests.  (Our apartment was really too small for guests.). They were lovely and helpful and my parents came the following week.  
 

With my second, my parents started driving the 12 hours when I went into labor, and they picked my oldest up from the friend who was watching theme’s house.  They stayed a week and then my in laws came the following week.  

[Momto6inIN]

I fully expect my future as yet hypothetical DILs to be closer to their own mothers than they are to me.

I also hope they fully realize that I love their husbands just as much as their own moms love them. I hope they realize that I desire to continue to be close to my sons and to them even though a marriage should definitely involve a shifting and realigning of those roles and relationships. I hope they realize that their children are just as much my son's as they are hers and just as much a joy to me as they are to her mom. I hope she realizes as she holds that precious child that someday he or she might get married and that she might get to be a MIL herself someday. I hope we both give each other the benefit of the doubt.

I have a great MIL. She's supportive and kind and doesn't try to make decisions or interfere in our marriage and when I was in the thick of it with 3 littles at home and was dying for adult conversation but my own mom was still working, we'd routinely chat on the phone for an hour at a time. I do call her Mom, by my choice, and I think it kinda surprised her but pleased her at the same time. She is not an overly demonstrative person but is warm. She raised 7 kids and she knows what a new mom needs. She often stayed at our house for a couple days with the older kids while I was still in the hospital with the baby, washed sheets, and put food in the freezer, and then quietly left while I was showering/napping after getting some newborn baby squeezes in.

My own Mom is also great but in a different way than my MIL. She can be needy, which sometimes rubs me the wrong way, but she takes care of everything when she's here visiting. It's like a vacation every time lol! When I had my first, I obviously had no idea what I was getting into and she offered to come help for a week and I turned her down thinking I'd be fine. But once DH went back to work I quickly realized I wasn't fine 😂 and I panicked and called her and frantically asked her to come and she dropped everything (including work) and did. She's stayed for approx a week every time I've had a baby.

Never in a million years would I have wanted anyone but my DH in the delivery room. When we were ready for visitors after a few hours together we called or texted and anyone who wanted to come was welcome.

I do detect a feeling from some of the comments here that I can't put a finger on exactly but that makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I do feel like a new mom and dad have the right to decide who is invited to their house and for how long and under what circumstances. Period. Same for the hospital and medical procedures of any kind. And I know not everyone is blessed by the same kind of Mom and MIL I have. But ... I don't know ... Some of the subtle antagonism against MILs who have a different expectation of how things might/could/should go feels a little selfish to me. I mean, if we as DILs want to have a real adult relationship with our MILs and not be treated as a kid or an interloper, then we need to not act like kids who always expect ro get everything our way. I mean, if I had a friend who only allowed me to be her friend if I followed certain rules I probably wouldn't be her friend for very long. I think true good relationships always involve giving and taking and adjusting expectations, and that goes for MIL relationships too. 

 

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I wanted my mom there, she drove through an ice storm to get there, and then I kicked her out!  We're still laughing about this.  My labor was long enough that she was there for quite a while, but once it got really difficult her face told me it was really hard for her to see me in pain. She didn't say or do anything wrong, but the woman should never play poker.  At this point it was almost morning anyway.  Her and DSD napped in the waiting room until the baby was born.  Then the went ahead to my house where they were the best "guests" ever for a week.  They were like these ghosts who took care of everything with the house, food, and dogs and just let me and Dh focus on the baby.  

This is heartbreaking.  I get that a mother is closer to her daughter than a daughter-in-law, but the grandparents are going to be equally enamored with a grandchild.  I'm currently on baby watch because my daughter could deliver any time in February and your situation feels so so sad.  I'd be really upset and I'm generally not rattled, but this baby has me feeling some strong feelings.

Thank you.  I was so angry and heartbroken on behalf of my Dh mostly.  But now….we get to see the baby…well he is 2 1/2 now—he even spends the weekend with us at times.  

[Jaybee]

We were always far away, but a couple of times my parents traveled in order to help. With my first, they waited until the baby was about 10 days old, because my sister was due at the same time much closer to them, and I had a lot more experience with babies than she did. That worked out well, because I was feeling much better by then, we were in a small apartment, and by then we could all go out occasionally. And my mom was so good at the "ghost" thing as well. She felt that her job was not to help with the baby, but to do all the other things so mom and baby could bond. That's not to say she didn't change the occasional diaper, or enjoy holding her new grand baby, but she was just her unobtrusive and helpful self, cooking, doing laundry, etc. When my dad was there, he would help with the older kids or whatever, but he was a doctor, and I was not uncomfortable or embarrassed with him if I had any questions or anything. I would not have wanted anyone but dh in the labor/delivery room. With one overseas delivery, they got there when babies were three weeks old; they had had to buy tickets just guessing when they would be born. With the other overseas delivery, it was not a place they would have functioned well and they were older, so they didn't meet that one until he was older.

My FIL/MIL came to visit later, when the baby was older, or we went there. They didn't see the ones born overseas until the babies were older. I loved my in-laws, but it would have made me stressed for them to be with me those first days. I'm sure it was hard for them to wait to meet the babies, but the circumstances were challenging as well, and I think they understood.

As the MIL/mom, my kids, surprisingly to me, wanted me there more than I had wanted people there as a new mom. I told them that I was there to do whatever they needed me to do, and could be there as much or as little as they wanted me there. I was there to help them, and it would not hurt my feelings if they wanted to be by themselves. I have usually lived a distance away, but left it up to them to tell me if or how long they wanted. My DIL is not as private as I am/was, and she has always been so grateful for the help that she wanted me there; both she and dd(s) scheduled where one grandma was there for a time, then the other one came. I made it clear that I was happy to be patient so they could work out whatever was most helpful to them. DH came with me for one, but the others live in small places, so he waited to meet the babies a little later, as it would have been really cramped space-wise. I haven't been to visit any of them in the hospital, either because they were home by the time I got there, or because I was taking care of the other kids (and that would have made things a lot more complicated).

I will say that I do struggle sometimes with the fact that we don't get as much time with our grandkids, due to distance in all but one case. One grandma calls or FaceTimes much more often, but I try to respect their busy schedule. Another grandma lives locally to them, so I can't do anything about that. 

I never knew what to call my in-laws; I asked one time, and they thought it was funny, and just said, "Whatever you want." Which meant I didn't call them anything to their faces. So we told our SIL/DILs to call us by our first names; if they were uncomfortable with that, we could come up with something else, but that was fine with us. One is from a "mom/dad" family culture. That felt uncomfortable to me, as I'm not his mom, and I (silently) feel uncomfortable with dd calling his parents mom/dad. But that's for them to deal with as they wish. 

After reading this thread, I texted my DIL to tell her how much I love and appreciate her. It has been a pleasant surprise that she seeks me out. She is close to her mom, but ddil and I share more similar values.

[Kassia]

@stephanier.1765 sending big hugs.  I wish so much that the situation was different.  I know how much you love and adore your grandkids and how painful this is for you.  It's so sad for you and those beautiful children.  I hope things get better.

 

I do expect my dils to be closer to their moms.  But it's been frustrating for me to try to have a closer relationship with them.  I love them unconditionally and have tried to have a warm and more involved relationship.  The young women (very long-time girlfriends but not officially dils yet) are always polite and  responsive when I reach out but I can't seem to get anywhere beyond that and I worry about what will happen when grandchildren come along.  I always hoped for a much closer relationship with my sons' girlfriends/wives and I don't see that happening.  I do wonder if it's because they are already close with their own mothers?  I don't know...but I hope for better while not knowing how to get there.

[rebcoola]

I never minded people coming to the hospital for a short peek or a quick drop off of food here is the squish. I hate having people actually around.  I want to find my footing and figure out a new normal. 

 

When it comes to Inlaws and extended relatives its amazing to me that many people try to suddenly pop into your life once you have a baby. For the last decade I have seen so and so once a year at large family gathering and talked to them a few minutes. Now expects to be invited to meet baby within 6 weeks and wants to see baby like monthly.  Nope our relationship will continue you on at the same basic level as before. Didn't have a baby for family entertainment.

[WildflowerMom]

nm

Edited February 8, 2023 by WildflowerMom

[Arcadia]

29 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

. But mother's wishes always are assumed to more important than father's, so even though I try to have great relationships with my DILs, one is glued to her mother's side and that makes navigating any sort of relationship very, very difficult and this is the one who is the mother of my grandchildren. I have cried more tears over this than I can express.

I am so sorry about your situation. How old are your grandchildren? For my side of the family, it does get better for “clingy” daughters as their children reach preschool age and they (the mothers) feel more confident.
My DS18 was very clingy and he wailed when I went into Walmart for a quick purchase while he stayed with my husband. He was okay by the time he was 3. 

9 minutes ago, Kassia said:

@stephanier.1765

The young women (very long-time girlfriends but not officially dils yet) are always polite and  responsive when I reach out but I can't seem to get anywhere beyond that and I worry about what will happen when grandchildren come along.  I always hoped for a much closer relationship with my sons' girlfriends/wives and I don't see that happening.  I do wonder if it's because they are already close with their own mothers?  

I think being very long time girlfriends can be complicating emotionally. Its kind of don’t rock the boat stage where you don’t know where you stand and you don’t want to offend or wear out your welcome. I think things do get more sorted out at the engagement and planning for wedding stage. Also the looking for the first martial home stage. Just continue reaching out and hope for the best. When they feel that you treat them well for who they are, and not just because of their status as your sons’ girlfriend, things should get better. 
I get along well with my husband’s aunts. They treat me as a person who happens to be their nephew’s wife. They kind of treat me like a niece, no formalities and no beating around the bush. 
 

@Momto6inIN my in-laws made it clear that they were polite to me because they want their son married. Their daughter had a hard time finding a spouse and was matchmade so they were worried since their older kids were married by 28. My husband was so worried he invited his aunts (dad’s sister) for my first meeting with his parents just to buffer. They still treat me as the unwanted daughter in law that is useful for giving them grandsons. 

[Momto6inIN]

@Arcadia In that case they are the ones being selfish and childish. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[Arcadia]

11 minutes ago, Momto6inIN said:

@Arcadia In that case they are the ones being selfish and childish. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

They do get to see our children though. We have never denied them access, just that they can’t be alone with our kids because they refuse to believe in food allergies and FIL believe kids could have alcohol. So they get “supervised visits” whenever they visit but they did get to see our children the day after birth.

[Hilltopmom]

My in laws who I was NOT close to came to the hospital within the hour of my oldest being born and stayed for hours. I was miserable but too young and intimidated to ask them to leave. Dh didn’t get the hint and they never left the room for me to tell him! I couldn’t even get up to deal with the blood and what not because in a gown I wasn’t going to walk around in front of them.

It was bad.

then they never showed interest in our kids again, weird.

for the next child I put them on the hospitals”do not allow in ward” list that my midwife told me about!

All that to say, don’t have her tell to to “see how she feels” unless she’s confident in her ability to stand up for herself and hold her ground. Between hormones and being overwhelmed by twins, it’s going to be tough. 

[Kassia]

16 minutes ago, Hilltopmom said:

My in laws who I was NOT close to came to the hospital within the hour of my oldest being born and stayed for hours. I was miserable but too young and intimidated to ask them to leave. Dh didn’t get the hint and they never left the room for me to tell him! I couldn’t even get up to deal with the blood and what not because in a gown I wasn’t going to walk around in front of them.

It was bad.

then they never showed interest in our kids again, weird.

 

this is very similar to my situation!  It's just an awful memory.  And then, just like yours, no interest later...