My parents are selling their home and buying a camper and I can't be supportive of this, help....

[EmilyGF]

2 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

Camper plus a truck to haul it will be over 100K- not to mention insurance on both plus health insurance.  This 8s such a bad idea.  8d encourage them to rent one first and go on a vacation or two this next year,  to be sure its what they want to do.  I wouldn't be supportive either!  

My parents did this and it killed the dream. They had talked about it for years, so we said, "Rent a camper and we'll camp together, us in tents, you in the camper." We did that for a few years, and by the end, they realized they had no desire to ever own one.

And next year, they are hoping for a state park with cabins! No more headaches for them.

Emily

[Ann.without.an.e]

Thanks for all of your thoughts.  
I sound like a total jerk to say “you can’t stay in my driveway”, right?
I wouldn’t worry so much if they weren’t selling their home. They could just come back when they change their minds. 

To answer a few questions …

I have told them I think it’s a bad idea. They don’t seem to care, they’ve moved forward and are driving hours to Tennessee to look at a camper today. 
 

I’ve brought up the cost of campgrounds. It’s not a big deal, they don’t intend on using campgrounds? They said that they will sleep in Walmart parking lots?? Like, excuse me, but WTH?

They will be sick of this in 2 months or less. 

Edited January 11, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[catz]

Wow, they really haven't thought this through if they think they're going to be loitering in parking lots.  This CAN be fun if you can afford camp fees, the communities can be warm and welcoming and have a lot going on.  And lots of people like this do part time work  But they're going to be chased out of parking lots pretty quickly in many parts of the country.  I really do wonder if they're trying to run away from your siblings come what may.  

No, you aren't a jerk if you say your driveway doesn't work.  Honestly, I might set aside camp fees for your closest camp ground for like 3-5 days and tell them they are welcome to visit and park there on your dime!  Isn't that generous of you!?  

It could literally cost thousands to set up the hook ups if you don't have them.  I would assume they would squat if you let them park in the driveway without an end date.  Which basically mean they'll just move in.  

Frankly 62 and 65 is young to retire in this day and age for those well financially prepared.  It really sounds like they're running away from home.  You can be warm but firm.  Their response is really not your problem or responsilbity.  They are still working and they can continue working or get another job.  They have 2 other kids that have been on payroll, they can step up.  

Edited January 11, 2023 by catz

[itsheresomewhere]

11 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Thanks for all of your thoughts.  
I sound like a total jerk to say “you can’t stay in my driveway”, right?
I wouldn’t worry so much if they weren’t selling their home. They could just come back when they change their minds. 

To answer a few questions …

I have told them I think it’s a bad idea. They don’t seem to care, they’ve moved forward and are driving hours to Tennessee to look at a camper today. 
 

I’ve brought up the cost of campgrounds. It’s not a big deal, they don’t intend on using campgrounds? They said that they will sleep in Walmart parking lots?? Like, excuse me, but WTH?

They will be sick of this in 2 months or less. 

Who wants to tell them not all Walmarts allow this.  There are towns who have bans in place for Walmart camping. Send them to the boards and Facebook groups.   They will give them the reality check for you. 

[marbel]

https://corporate.walmart.com/frequently-asked-questions#:~:text=Can I park my RV,lots as we are able.

ETA: You will no doubt sound like a jerk to your parents and siblings when you tell them they can't park their camper in your driveway. But you are not a jerk to do so! 

Edited January 11, 2023 by marbel

[livetoread]

Sounds like your parents have enabled your siblings by not setting good boundaries with them. Be the change! You can model setting good boundaries and break that generational thing. I'm sure you have wondered why your parents didn't set good boundaries - well it's hard just like you are experiencing with them. You second guess, and wonder if you are being mean, etc, just like I'm sure they have done with their kids, but in the end, what matters is setting those boundaries. They didn't - you can! 

[Faith-manor]

11 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Thanks for all of your thoughts.  
I sound like a total jerk to say “you can’t stay in my driveway”, right?
I wouldn’t worry so much if they weren’t selling their home. They could just come back when they change their minds. 

To answer a few questions …

I have told them I think it’s a bad idea. They don’t seem to care, they’ve moved forward and are driving hours to Tennessee to look at a camper today. 
 

I’ve brought up the cost of campgrounds. It’s not a big deal, they don’t intend on using campgrounds? They said that they will sleep in Walmart parking lots?? Like, excuse me, but WTH?

They will be sick of this in 2 months or less. 

I know people who do this, but they are miserable. Wal-Mart, Casinos are the big pull in for free spots. Some Wineries allow people with campers to park so long as they spend money in the store and they have their own toilet facilities. If they catch people camping there, and then using the store bathroom all the time, they run them off.

So they will have to check into campsites in order to use the dumping facilities which means $25-50 a night as needed. 

Vanlife people are very, very outdoorsy people who already enjoyed camping, and roughing it. Mark and I have a composting toilet for our minivan camping set up, and also have solar shower if we want to take advantage of dispersed camping at National Forests and Grasslands. But even though I enjoy being in the wilds with him, I still don't like to do disperse camping for more than a week, and then I want a break with some amenities. I would consider doing it for 2 months though to road trip to some places I have never seen and conserve money. We get 23 mpg with the Sienna fully loaded for dispersed camping. Pick up trucks are expensive go insure and fuel hogs. That said, Motorhomes are even worse. 

They are making a huge blunder. All you can do is issue your boundaries in clear language, on paper, and send it registered so they have to sign for it. This way you have made it very official, and your sins can't claim it was nor clearly communicated when they attempt to mooch off you. 

Be strong, like big, hairy meanie strong if you have to because this should not come back on your marriage and family.

[kbutton]

4 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I'm mostly just venting because I know this is totally out of my control. They are determined to do it. I've watched them make one stupid financial decision after another and I was already nervous about how to take care of them in their older years. My hope was that they should have low cost housing. But they won't have that if they sell and then have to buy again in this market and with these interest rates. 

How can I be more supportive?? 

Some real suggestions...feasibility varies...

• Suggest that your dad be evaluated (and treated for if he has it) ADHD with impulsivity
• If you think your mom needs support and that it could be you who supports her, ferret out just how on board with this plan she is. Generational responses to "I'm married to someone who is extremely irresponsible financially but is technically not financially abusive because I can access the non-existent funds" vary a great deal. Someone of that generation might feel like they have to obey/honor their husband's wishes (especially a pastor's wife) without scrutinizing whether the husband is upholding his responsibilities toward his wife. Younger people in this dynamic often put up with less but realize things too late and then don't want to rock the boat or feel bad about themselves. I know way too many people in this dynamic due to various church subcultures and teachings. It sounds like your mom is the responsible one.

3 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Keep in mind that if they are emotionally immature and anxiety driven they aren’t likely to change their minds….but you need to be at peace and protect yourself for the future.

Yep!

2 hours ago, itsheresomewhere said:

If they haven’t, tell them to join Facebook and boards for this.  We know several who did/do this.  They will often work a season at a camp ground for pay/rent and then travel on the rest of the year.    They can make a nice amount for  just a season.  Some just do the books, some run the camp diner, some run the office.  Maybe they have this planed already to do this and didn’t tell you.  

Alternatively, could they be doing this as a ministry? There are legit ministries where people do this, though the only people I've known to do it were long-time campers, and I think they had a lot of financial flexibility. 

[Grace Hopper]

19 minutes ago, marbel said:

https://corporate.walmart.com/frequently-asked-questions#:~:text=Can I park my RV,lots as we are able.

ETA: You will no doubt sound like a jerk to your parents and siblings when you tell them they can't park their camper in your driveway. But you are not a jerk to do so! 

So what if you do sound like a jerk? But honestly I don’t think you will sound like a jerk. I think you will sound more like a parent of teens who do things without considering the consequences. 
 

I would have ready info on nearby campgrounds and let them know you’ll be happy to visit them there when they come back to town. Never never never let them park in your driveway. 

[Spryte]

It doesn’t matter if you think you sound like a jerk. To reframe this for you — no, it’s not being a jerk to say that your aging parents can’t endlessly park an RV in your driveway with no hookups, and move in with you by default. 

That’s not being a jerk, that’s being sane.

[scholastica]

Just now, Spryte said:

It doesn’t matter if you think you sound like a jerk. To reframe this for you — no, it’s not being a jerk to say that your aging parents can’t endlessly park an RV in your driveway with no hookups, and move in with you by default. 

That’s not being a jerk, that’s being sane.

Exactly this.

 

[Eos]

43 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I sound like a total jerk to say “you can’t stay in my driveway”, right?

No.  You sound like the voice of reason.

Edited January 11, 2023 by Eos

[scholastica]

You are not the jerk in this scenario. A jerk makes poor decisions and expects others to pay the price for them. 

[Eos]

I agree with the poster above who thinks maybe this is their "not being the bad guy" way of pushing your siblings out of the nest.  

[rebcoola]

They sound like Jerks for saying they will.just park in your driveway! Set the boundary now no parking in our driveway.

[itsheresomewhere]

15 minutes ago, kbutton said:

 

Alternatively, could they be doing this as a ministry? There are legit ministries where people do this, though the only people I've known to do it were long-time campers, and I think they had a lot of financial flexibility. 

Adding to this-  some campground do employ a pastor/preacher for the season. That could be a possibility. They do a service every Sunday.

Edited January 11, 2023 by itsheresomewhere

[Clarita]

46 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I sound like a total jerk to say “you can’t stay in my driveway”, right?

To them you will be the jerk, but to most of the world we'll all be looking at them going "What?!" You can't stop them for sure but no need to be more supportive than yes I will let you struggle when you discover Walmart doesn't love the idea of you staying in their parking lot or that their customers are looking at you like you are part of the homeless encampment.

[Corraleno]

48 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I sound like a total jerk to say “you can’t stay in my driveway”, right?

Do you think your parents would have been jerks if they had refused to enable your siblings, or do you think that forcing your siblings to be accountable for their own choices would have been the kind and reasonable thing to do in the long run?

You would not be a jerk for  telling your parents that they need to be responsible for the consequences of their own choices, and not expect you to enable irresponsible behavior.

[Corraleno]

4 hours ago, Tiberia said:

If they "park" on your property, they will end up living in your house. They will first just park and draw your electricity to power the camper, then they will be in frequently for bathroom and kitchen use, then they will just never go back to the camper. Set your boundaries now; they have given you a warning of what's to come.

And after the parents move into the house, the camper will be available for the mooching siblings, and then the entire family will be living with OP!

[Pawz4me]

33 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

 

So they will have to check into campsites in order to use the dumping facilities which means $25-50 a night as needed.

No. Most campgrounds only charge a minimal fee ($5-$10) if you want to dump w/o camping. Some states have free dump stations at rest areas. Camping Worlds (and maybe other RV places) only charge a small fee for using their dump stations. A yearly Camping World membership allows you to use their dump stations as often as you want.

Most Walmart stores do allow overnight parking unless a municipal ordinance forbids it. It's not hard at all to find locations where it's allowed. It would get really old really fast, though. Most RV'ers do it when they're traveling longer distances and just want to catch a few hours of sleep before hitting the road again. So pull in late at night, hit the road again early in the morning. Not many are hanging out in parking lots for the fun of it. Some other stores also allow overnight parking where municipal ordinances allow it. Cabelas, and Cracker Barrel are two that I know of, there are others.

Harvest Hosts is a program one can join (for a fee) that allows overnight camping at many wineries, museums, golf courses and similar places. Many of them do expect campers to spend a small sum of money at their establishments. We have in the past been members, but its not really a money saver, it just gives more options when traveling.

It is possible to full time and do it inexpensively. There are websites for free camping spots. Most people who full time and need or want to keep expenses down do work camping--they work as camp hosts or other positions in campgrounds so that they're at least "earning" enough to cover their site fees. Most people who full time stay in one location for weeks or months at a time so that fuel costs aren't an issue. I doesn't really sound like they have any idea of what they're getting into, or how to go about it.

[Loowit]

I thought it was odd when my ILs decided to do this several years ago.  They told us they were selling their house, buying a truck and camper so they could travel.  They had never been much for traveling, but they have really enjoyed it for the most part.  However, they have a good retirement plan and are able to afford it and had a plan in place for as many contingencies as they could think of when they planned it out.  My FIL calculated out the cost of everything as much as he could and so far things are going well, although now that they are deciding to look at settling down again the cost of housing is ridiculously high in the area they want to live and I am not sure they can afford it.

There is no way we would have wanted them to come park in our driveway as a backup plan long term.  They may have suggested it as a joke, but we all knew it was a joke.  None of us would seriously be happy with that as a solution.

Even with a brand new truck and camper, they have had a lot of unexpected costs and repairs to pay for.  I can't imagine doing it with an old, used camper/trailer.

I don't think you are wrong to not want to have them living in your driveway.  They are adults and are responsible for themselves.

[Faith-manor]

7 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

And after the parents move into the house, the camper will be available for the mooching siblings, and then the entire family will be living with OP!

You are not wrong! I can easily see that happening. They won't own up to the fact that in the back of their heads, this is a plausible back up plan, but for sure, they may intend on trying it.

 

[Faith-manor]

7 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

No. Most campgrounds only charge a minimal fee ($5-$10) if you want to dump w/o camping. Some states have free dump stations at rest areas. Camping Worlds (and maybe other RV places) only charge a small fee for using their dump stations. A yearly Camping World membership allows you to use their dump stations as often as you want.

Most Walmart stores do allow overnight parking unless a municipal ordinance forbids it. It's not hard at all to find locations where it's allowed. It would get really old really fast, though. Most RV'ers do it when they're traveling longer distances and just want to catch a few hours of sleep before hitting the road again. So pull in late at night, hit the road again early in the morning. Not many are hanging out in parking lots for the fun of it. Some other stores also allow overnight parking where municipal ordinances allow it. Cabelas, and Cracker Barrel are two that I know of, there are others.

Harvest Hosts is a program one can join (for a fee) that allows overnight camping at many wineries, museums, golf courses and similar places. Many of them do expect campers to spend a small sum of money at their establishments. We have in the past been members, but its not really a money saver, it just gives more options when traveling.

It is possible to full time and do it inexpensively. There are websites for free camping spots. Most people who full time and need or want to keep expenses down do work camping--they work as camp hosts or other positions in campgrounds so that they're at least "earning" enough to cover their site fees. Most people who full time stay in one location for weeks or months at a time so that fuel costs aren't an issue. I doesn't really sound like they have any idea of what they're getting into, or how to go about it.

We have met people doing this on the Harvest Hosts list. They said it turned out to not be what was advertised, and were many times asked to leave because they did not spend enough in the gift shop. Most of that stuff is expensive, and $25-50 was the expectation at many locations. Not different from paying for state and national park campgrounds. I am sure though it varies from region to region, and business to business. 

Our municipal ordinance does not allow it at the Wal-Mart in our county, and in that municipality, campers cannot be parked on city streets.

But again, it might be quite favorable in your area. 50 states, 50 sets of rules. Not always easy to keep track!

[Carol in Cal.]

Since your dad is a pastor, he should know that the Bible says that those who don’t take care of their families are worse than unbelievers.  That’s him right now.  He is an able bodied man, vigorous enough to envisioning a permanently camping lifestyle, but he doesn’t have a job?  In the best job market in ages?  That’s just not right.

[Ausmumof3]

I kind of wonder if they’re having trouble meeting financial obligations (mortgage repayments?) to even consider this, it just seems so random if they’ve never camped before. Or as others have suggested maybe they’re trying to shake the siblings loose? Either way I hope you can talk some sense into them.

[Tap]

10 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Thanks for all of your thoughts.  
I sound like a total jerk to say “you can’t stay in my driveway”, right?
I wouldn’t worry so much if they weren’t selling their home. They could just come back when they change their minds. 

To answer a few questions …

I have told them I think it’s a bad idea. They don’t seem to care, they’ve moved forward and are driving hours to Tennessee to look at a camper today. 
 

I’ve brought up the cost of campgrounds. It’s not a big deal, they don’t intend on using campgrounds? They said that they will sleep in Walmart parking lots?? Like, excuse me, but WTH?

They will be sick of this in 2 months or less. 

Even if they park at Walmart (or similar), there are limits to how much time they can spend at each location at a time. So, they have to move continually. That means gasoline/diesel costs. Also, parking lots are not regulated like camp grounds, so if there are problems with the people there,  there is little to be done aside from call the police. Walmart does not have amenities like dump sites. electricity and water. They will need to still pay for these services somewhere. If this is their plan, I am even more concerned for them.  

Do they have any incoming income? or will the sell of their house be the only money? 

Edited January 12, 2023 by Tap

[Bootsie]

My mom's bf bought an RV at about that age and talked my mom into quiting her part-time job and selling her house to travel with him.  It was not a situation I supported, but there wasn't anything I could do to stop it either.  My mom had NO interest in being outdoors; she complained walking from the house to the car.  Their travelling consisted of going to the cheapest RV parks the bf could find in places I do not see why anyone would ever want to visit.  The situation did not end in a disaster (they never parked the RV in my driveway), but they weren't the choices I thought were most prudent. 

[katilac]

6 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

They expect to clear around 100k from the sell of their home but they need to use a portion of that to buy a camper and truck to tow it. 

How can I be more supportive?? 

$100k is nothing without income. 

You do not have to be supportive. You also do not have to try and talk them out of it, just outline your concerns, ask if they want help with the math, and make it abundantly clear that you will not be picking up the pieces in any way. 

3 hours ago, Spryte said:

Yes, make the boundaries clear. You may park here for visits of X length, but you cannot park here indefinitely.

Not to catastrophize, but here’s a scenario I can see playing out, based on my own experience: mom and dad park in your driveway without an end date, but the plan is that it’s not forever. Dad falls exiting the RV one morning. Hospital. Rehab. “Of course Mom can stay in the driveway!” Dad is released — to your care, because there is no where else to go.  

I would not let them park there at all, because there is no practical way to 'evict' them when they overstay. 

Regarding the next part, you do NOT have to agree to have anyone, including your parents, released to your care. Many places will push it, but you do not have to agree. Our hospital liason told us that the magic words are, "We cannot safely care for him at home" and it did indeed work, although we had to repeat it. 

 

1 hour ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Thanks for all of your thoughts.  
I sound like a total jerk to say “you can’t stay in my driveway”, right?
I wouldn’t worry so much if they weren’t selling their home. They could just come back when they change their minds. 

You would not sound like a jerk, particularly if you tell them NOW. And your neighbors aren't likely to be pleased with having an RV and extra residents permanently at your house (check the codes; maybe you will be lucky and it's not even allowed). 

I will not be able to help you or house you if this goes awry; I have a responsibility to my own family. Repeat, repeat, repeat. 

[Selkie]

Are these the same people that only eat beef and salt?

[katilac]

I wanted to add that I agree with those saying to put it in writing, in a format that can be saved and referenced (an email). That way, they cannot come back and say you did not tell them such and such. 

"Because we covered so much in our discussion today, I wanted to send this email to review it. I do not want you to expect help that I am not able to offer." 

 

[Grace Hopper]

21 minutes ago, katilac said:

I wanted to add that I agree with those saying to put it in writing, in a format that can be saved and referenced (an email). That way, they cannot come back and say you did not tell them such and such. 

"Because we covered so much in our discussion today, I wanted to send this email to review it. I do not want you to expect help that I am not able to offer." 

 

Agree. It sounds so serious for many to be saying “get that in writing!” Kinda makes it sound like a formal letter or legal-ish document. But think of it more in the gist katilac describes - a clear but not harsh statement, sent in an email. Just something documented that you can refer to later when necessary. 

[Shoeless]

NO no no, you are not a jerk! Do not cave and ever let them stay because you'll never get rid of them.

What does your spouse say about all this?  My marriage would not survive if my parents or in-laws parked an RV in my driveway and semi-moved in.

[mathnerd]

In my subdivision, it is not allowed to park a camper on the driveway and many families have their unemployed adult kids do that all the time because of the high COL. There are city code enforcement people driving around giving out tickets and impounding campers etc regularly. So, check first if this is allowed in your neighborhood and if it isn’t, you can use that as a reason to stop them counting on your house as a camping ground. 

[Arcadia]

Does your parents live nearby? Do you think they are the kind of person to sell their home, take their time to buy a camper, and guilt trip you into housing them?  If your parents really sold their home and buy a camper, would your siblings self invite themselves to be your permanent house guests? Are your siblings working or would they accompany your parents on the RV adventures?

Your daughter has married and move out. Wondering if your parents and siblings might be assuming there is at least one guest bedroom for them to self invite. 
Before the pandemic, my in-laws would just sleep in the living room when they visit while my kids would do school work in their beds or go to the library. Now my living room has no space for even a sleeping bag because kids need more space for community college coursework. So my husband told his parents bluntly that they would need to stay at a hotel/motel/AirBnB when they next visit. 

[Laurel-in-CA]

One book I read about the RV lifestyle recommended buying your first camper used, assuming you *will* replace it because almost everyone readjusts what they want/need after a bit of experience with living on the road.

I did have an aunt and uncle who did this, happily divesting themselves of most of their possessions and their custom-built home. They lived on the road a few years and then settled in as permanent residents/managers of a membership-based RV park. But eventually they needed a more supported lifestyle. No RV plan is built for end of life care, unfortunately. I don't think it's wise to take on that big a change without a financial safety net and a bit of practice. Just buying tires for camper and truck....oh my!

[73349]

They're in the same age range as my parents, who grew up with maybe not a lot, but definitely electricity and running water. I don't know the temperature range in their region, but where I live, a Walmart parking lot in summer is approximately Hell... not that fun in a vehicle that's minimally insulated and not hooked up to anything!

I would make sure they're clear that your house is categorically not an option and suggest that they rent the kind they have in mind for a month to make sure it's as good as it seems.

[LMD]

2 hours ago, Spryte said:

It doesn’t matter if you think you sound like a jerk. To reframe this for you — no, it’s not being a jerk to say that your aging parents can’t endlessly park an RV in your driveway with no hookups, and move in with you by default. 

That’s not being a jerk, that’s being sane.

You'd be being a jerk to your own family if you said yes.

They are adults with brains, they can make a stupid decision if they choose, they can also problem solve a way out if/when it fails. Nothing to do with you really. I know, they'll assume it's your responsibility but you don't have to pick up that responsibility, just smile blankly and only respond with 'I'm sure you'll sort something out'

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

So what if you do sound like a jerk? But honestly I don’t think you will sound like a jerk. I think you will sound more like a parent of teens who do things without considering the consequences. 
 

I would have ready info on nearby campgrounds and let them know you’ll be happy to visit them there when they come back to town. Never never never let them park in your driveway. 

OP - you do not sound like a jerk. You sound perfectly reasonable.  However - that doesn't mean your parents and siblings won't think you're a jerk.  (that does NOT mean you're a jerk.)

But hey - teenagers often thing their parents are jerks because they won't allow them to do everything they want.  That doesn't mean the parent (you as the adult in this case) are wrong.

boundaries.

[Lecka]

If you were my husband… I would *guaranteed* spread out a couple of boxes in the garage so that we had to park in the driveway.

In my entire town you can’t park a camper on the street.  
 

I am sure our neighbors wouldn’t call the police for less than 2 weeks, but I’m sure they would call the police at a certain point.  How do I know?  Down the street a neighbor had a trailer on the street and then had to move it onto the driveway.

 

My driveway would just not be available.

 

I would also speak to my in-laws if I had to.  They think I am mean and have my husband under my thumb.  But they absolutely believe I will not put up with things where my husband would be wishy-washy and feel bad and not want to “be the bad guy” and question if he was being a bad person and feel so sad if his mom was upset.
 

Because to be honest I couldn’t stop them from showing up at my house.  But I could keep them from setting up in my driveway.  
 

I suspect I would find them a place at the local state park very quickly.  I don’t think I could keep them from parking in front of my house but I think I could get them to move to the state park.  
 

Just throwing out ideas.  If your husband is willing to be the person who says no to them, I think that is a fall back position.  If that is okay with you.  It can depend on your dynamics.  
 

Totally separately — I wonder if your dad qualifies for half of your mom’s SS benefit?  This might be totally unrealistic — but maybe you could help her look up her SS credits and see how it looks, if your dad qualifies for half her benefit, how long until the qualify for Medicare (I think that’s the right name), and if she has some good work credits or might really be in a better position with a few more years or some higher-income years.  
 

 

[ScoutTN]

25 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

OP - you do not sound like a jerk. You sound perfectly reasonable.  However - that doesn't mean your parents and siblings won't think you're a jerk.  (that does NOT mean you're a jerk.)

But hey - teenagers often thing their parents are jerks because they won't allow them to do everything they want.  That doesn't mean the parent (you as the adult in this case) are wrong.

boundaries.

Exactly! 

Be clear, firm, and direct. Repeat often. Do not let them park on your property. 

[Lecka]

I’m just going to throw this out there — maybe you were raised with poor boundaries and that is why there are two siblings that are still dependent on your parents.  

But what about your husband?  Do you have to be the strong one here, or just not allow your parents to come between you and your husband?  
 

I would also sometimes leave the house, not playing hostess beyond a set number of days, and lock the door.  They will just have to find hookups or a place to use the restroom.  I would leave just to leave, take my husband with me, and lock the doors.  
 

I would agree with a set amount of time we were willing to host them that I can’t imagine being greater than 5 days.  
 

And then I would quit hosting them even to the extent of being rude.  
 

But I would host them nicely for a few days if my husband wanted me to.

 

He might not really want to deal with their drama and upheaval if I told him he could do 3 days and it would be okay.  

[Lecka]

For background we have already had some hosting issues where I feel like I was really taken advantage of and didn’t realize what would happen.

 

Now it is no mystery to me.  
 

I really am someone who wants to be a good hostess and make things nice for people, and yet I don’t want to be taken advantage of.  And that’s okay!

[KungFuPanda]

Here is where my DH’s inability to care what people think of him would come in handy. He would absolutely handle this situation with very clear boundaries and I wouldn’t have to “be a jerk” if I wanted an out. Nobody would get away with trying to gaslight later on. “You never said that.” “You didn’t mean that.” Nope. He’s impervious. 

[Happy2BaMom]

I highly recommend writing them an email (or letter) that is polite, caring & yet *very* to-the-point. Briefly list your concerns w/ reasons AND your boundaries ("in our conversation, you mentioned parking in our driveway. While I realize that comment may have been facetious, I need to clarify that neither I nor (hubby's name) can accept any guests staying for more than one week, whether in a camper or our household. As parents and partners, we must prioritize our own family's health & well-being, and we cannot accept additional responsibilities on a long-term basis").

My wording may be all wrong for you/your situation, but you really are gonna want to have this in writing. Stop letting your dad be in control of dropping a bomb like that and then dancing off. If something is bothering you enough for you to post on the board about it, you need to take back the steering wheel and course-correct. My guess is that that will be a new role for everyone.

Last couple of suggestions: 1) if you can afford it/find one, get a good therapist who's skilled in family dysfunction....because your family already has a plan, even if they'll deny it...and that plan is that you are the backup. You are gonna need support in holding the line, cuz you're already wavering "I'll sound like a jerk"). 2) If you can't get a therapist, get Harriet Lerner's book, "The Dance of Anger: A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships". It's older but it's really good at diagnosing family patterns and the pattern of reactions that follow attempts at change. 3) there have to be online support groups of other people who are facing unrealistic demands from parents & other family members. They can be a good touchstone for additional support. Google for them, maybe?

Best of luck. That's an unpleasant situation.

Edited January 12, 2023 by Happy2BaMom

[Ann.without.an.e]

16 hours ago, Selkie said:

Are these the same people that only eat beef and salt?

yes, yes they are indeed. of course, that lasted like 3 to 4 weeks max, just as we all expected. But they didn't have to turn in their house for the diet 🤣

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

yes, yes they are indeed. of course, that lasted like 3 to 4 weeks max, just as we all expected. But they didn't have to turn in their house for the diet 🤣

Trying to imagine which they’ve been binge watching, TikTok or Yellowstone…

[Ann.without.an.e]

4 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Trying to imagine which they’ve been binge watching, TikTok or Yellowstone…

Who knows lol. Youtube? My dad used to browse a lot of YouTube and he somehow got tied up into a lot of conspiracy theory loops and bless, he believes most of it. So really, who knows?

[Grace Hopper]

Just now, Ann.without.an.e said:

Who knows lol. Youtube? My dad used to browse a lot of YouTube and he somehow got tied up into a lot of conspiracy theory loops and bless, he believes most of it. So really, who knows?

There really is a lot of social media out there glamorizing “vanlife.” There certainly is something about it that appeals to senses of freedom and adventure. I’m sure with it can be done well with the right financial resources. But as a poorly funded retirement plan, it’s just a bad idea. Dangerous, even. 
 

Is your mom like Caroline Ingalls, just along for the ride? 

[Emba]

Several years ago my aunt decided she was going to sell her house and buy a camper van and travel in her retirement. She bought an older camper van, paid a ridiculous amount to fix it up, and then after driving it once decided it wasn’t for her and never camped in it at all. She sold it at a huge loss after it sat in her driveway for a year or so.  
 

as others have said, you need to make your boundaries clear. I would also spend a lot of time trying to convince your parents to try this lifestyle before committing to it, and see if you can find out if this is really an effort to get your siblings out  of the nest. If it is, maybe suggest some less drastic ways to downsize/travel.
 

in the end, though, they’re going to do what they want. 

[Garga]

I know a couple who bought a camper and after one trip in it realized they didn’t like it. They said maybe they’ll use it for a few 3-day weekend trips, but not for longer trips. 

They said it was a huge hassle figuring out which Walmart parking lots they could stay in and in their maiden voyage they had to take it for repairs. 

Just going to chime in and say that you need to suggest that your parents rent a camper for a week and make sure they like it.