Does it annoy you when holiday meal host assigns foods?

[Guest]

@Momto6inIN, it is interesting, isn’t it, how our own food culture shapes perceptions? Someone could probably do a doctoral thesis on that subject. 
 

Years ago, when my MIL ran this show, very little of the food was contributed. She prepared for literal days and made aaaallll the essential components from scratch for a large family and a few add-ons besides. (For instance, an “adopted son” who had lived with them as an upper teen/early twenty.) As she aged, of course, the kids took over and, once that happened, there was no longer an expectation from anyone that the hosting family would do it that way. 
 

 

[J-rap]

It doesn't annoy me, although your mother does seem a little controlling!  

My family and my dh's family differ.  My SILs organize most holidays when we get together with my dh's side of the family.  It's a large family and they're pretty organized.  Everyone is assigned something, but they make sure it's something that they know said person enjoys making or bringing.  So if someone loves making pies, then of course they'll be assigned a pie or two.  Etc.  But they don't specify beyond that.  If I were making potatoes, I could bring any kind I wanted.  🙂 (And they wouldn't care if people switch assignments, or simply decided they wanted to bring something else as long as they let the hosts know ahead of time.)

With my family, my mother always loved cooking and hosting and she made almost everything by herself for years, sometimes starting two weeks early and freezing it.  When she was no longer able to do that, several of us stepped in to make all the same things and couldn't believe how hard it was!  She did the work of at least 6 people all those years, single-handedly.  Now when my extended family gets together, we just kind of start with "Why don't I bring rolls and potatoes," and everyone adds to the list.  We makes sure all the main things are covered.  Often our kids are involved in this because they're all adults now and most really enjoy cooking and baking.  

Both families sometimes use name tags and sometimes don't.  Mostly just for fun and to switch things around.  (So the same people don't always sit together.)  I don't mind that.

Edited November 19, 2022 by J-rap

[Farrar]

It feels like someone could write a manners book about how to adapt to and have a higher level of different food and hosting expectations.

[pinball]

Does it annoy me when holiday meal hosts assign food?

No. I’m glad I have an invitation and a place to share a holiday with people who I care about and who care enough for me to invite me.

That’s the important part. Everything thing else is just noise. 

[mommyoffive]

10 hours ago, Farrar said:

I think it's nice to have some guidelines. Two of the same pie isn't a tragedy but a Thanksgiving meal that consists of the turkey and eight different dressings isn't exactly ideal and I've been at potluck meals where something along those lines occurred. It's a balancing act. I think the host should collaborate and respect the traditions of the family/guests and approach the whole thing with good humor and positive assumptions and lots of flexibility.

I'm a little surprised by the level of vehemence in the thread about being told what to bring. But I've also honestly never been told beyond "oh, we love you ___, would you bring that?" or "we're trying to divide it all up, dessert and vegetable dish are the two that are left, could you do one of those and decide what you'd like to contribute" or something along one of those lines, which I feel like is actually fine.

This is where I am.  I think it is 100% fine for the host to handle it anyway they want.  They are hosting you in their home which is a ton of work.  Cleaning, shopping, planning, cooking, decorating, and then cleaning all over again.  Plus the tons of money they are spending on the meal.  If you don't like how they do things simple way to handle it is just not go.  All the people that host the holiday gatherings deserve a pat on the back.  It is so much work.  I appreciate them doing it so much so that  I don't have to.

But yeah every party even by groups does this.  Everyone has to list what they are bringing or specific sign ups for things like napkins so that everyone is just brining paper plates and there is no food.  Planning is a needed thing for any sort of party.

And yeah the big problem of people bringing food that needs to be cooked or heated up would be a huge issue when you are trying to get all the differnet things ready.

Edited November 19, 2022 by mommyoffive

[teachermom2834]

@mommyoffiveI love you. You can come to my house for Thanksgiving and bring whatever you want to bring. Lol. Thank you for seeing what goes into hosting. 
 

As I have worked out my feelings over the couple decades on these boards of hosting my complicated family all I really need is for people to see what goes into it and be nice. Bring napkins. Or drinks. Or offer to put away the tables and chairs. Or bring me a bottle of wine or a gift card to get my family a pizza the next week. Tell me it was delicious even if it wasn’t. Don’t mention if I didn’t have hot sauce and you like it on your turkey. Just be agreeable. Toss your own empty can in recycling. 
 

It is a little hurtful to know what all goes into hosting and have people get so angry about being asked (told?) to bring something. I know there is so much history behind all the relationships.
 

And so funny as I dominate these threads with all my opinions on the year I am actually not hosting 🙂

[mommyoffive]

33 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

@mommyoffiveI love you. You can come to my house for Thanksgiving and bring whatever you want to bring. Lol. Thank you for seeing what goes into hosting. 
 

As I have worked out my feelings over the couple decades on these boards of hosting my complicated family all I really need is for people to see what goes into it and be nice. Bring napkins. Or drinks. Or offer to put away the tables and chairs. Or bring me a bottle of wine or a gift card to get my family a pizza the next week. Tell me it was delicious even if it wasn’t. Don’t mention if I didn’t have hot sauce and you like it on your turkey. Just be agreeable. Toss your own empty can in recycling. 
 

It is a little hurtful to know what all goes into hosting and have people get so angry about being asked (told?) to bring something. I know there is so much history behind all the relationships.
 

And so funny as I dominate these threads with all my opinions on the year I am actually not hosting 🙂

I agree.  And I am wondering if the last sentence is why people get upset.  Ask yourself if it was a work or activity potluck thing would signing up or being assinged stuff to bring would make you as upset?

My Aunt almost always hosts Thanksgiving.  Other than maybe a few times when I had a newborn and they came here.  But either they brought everything or we ordered in stuff.  But anyhow she goes all out for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter.  She has been doing it all my life.  When  I was little the gatherings were huge probably 40-70 people.  But even now when she has 11 or 25 it is so much work for her.  She tells me that she works on it weeks ahead of time gathering new recipes, planning, shopping, cooking for days ahead of time, decorating.  She asks for people to bring nothing.  When we were kids I know most people brought a dish as my mom would bring 2 different casseroles.  She cooks enough to feed the amount of people she hosts many times over.  I know she spends hundreds doing this and my whole family appreciates the gift that she gives us by doing this.

Anyway we get to her house and get to work helping with whatever cooking jobs she will give all of us.  We serve everything and then clean everything up. Which includes packing up all the leftovers, doing all the dishes, putting away the china and silverware, breaking down the tables putting away chairs, packing away Thanksgiving decorations, and putting up Christmas decorations.  There are 7 of us so the work goes fast.  And we just want to be the best guests we can because we appreciate what she does for the family by hosting these celebrations my entire life. And she and my uncle are older and have issues so us getting to work I think helps them out alot.

I am headed over for Thanksgiving teachermom!  🙂

Edited November 19, 2022 by mommyoffive

[Annie G]

59 minutes ago, Quill said:

@Momto6inIN, it is interesting, isn’t it, how our own food culture shapes perceptions? Someone could probably do a doctoral thesis on that subject. 
 

Years ago, when my MIL ran this show, very little of the food was contributed. She prepared for literal days and made aaaallll the essential components from scratch for a large family and a few add-ons besides. (For instance, an “adopted son” who had lived with them as an upper teen/early twenty.) As she aged, of course, the kids took over and, once that happened, there was no longer an expectation from anyone that the hosting family would do it that way. 
 

 

That was my MIL also. Nobody brought a thing and she wouldn’t allow any help except FIL carved the Turkey and mashed the potatoes.   Clean up was the same.  Dh and I were married 30 years before I was able to help. I loved MIL and FIL dearly but that really bothered me. I wasn’t a guest! Let me take some of the work off your hands, woman!

[Acorn]

22 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:
 

And so funny as I dominate these threads with all my opinions on the year I am actually not hosting 🙂

Makes perfect sense because if you were hosting this year, you might be scrubbing grout, washing windows, ironing table clothes, cleaning coolers, or borrowing the neighbor’s folding chairs instead of reading on a forum.

I’m glad you will be a guest this year and hope you have a lovely day.

[QueenCat]

When we host Thanksgiving, we provide the meal. If people ask to bring something, I tell them "dessert or wine." I really don't want them bringing anything else. 

[madteaparty]

4 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

When we host Thanksgiving, we provide the meal. If people ask to bring something, I tell them "dessert or wine." I really don't want them bringing anything else. 

Same. It makes me crazy, I’m not hosting a potluck. I plan the menu and cook it, the end. 

[Jaybee]

2 hours ago, Momto6inIN said:

It's so interesting the differences in family/cultural expectations re hosting a meal! My mom taught me that if you invited someone to your home, you made all the food. The end. It never occurred to me that this wasn't universal.

So when we got married and moved out of state I invited a bunch of new friends from our new church to our home for New Year's Eve and I had fun planning out all the appetizers I would make just like my mom always did. The people I invited kept asking me what they could bring and I started to get my feelings hurt. Did they think I couldn't cook???

It turns out that in my new church community (similar to Mennonites) it's culturally expected to take a dish or two everywhere you go. Meals are almost always a community effort. They thought I was weird and a control freak for not letting them.

I've learned to adapt and I definitely prefer their way now, after having tried it both ways several times.

Having hosted a meal where 60+ people are served, I can honestly say that I can see where Marney is coming from, although I dislike her tone 😉 Serving large groups of people in your home is stressful, whether you do the whole meal yourself or it's potluck, and so I always grant a little extra grace to the person willing to serve it, even if I'd do it differently myself.

I'm not Mennonite, but the communities I have been a part of for most of my life--everybody pitches in. Sometimes it might be to bring drinks and paper plates, etc. So there is something that everybody, even the singles without a kitchen, can do, though people are usually given a pass if they can't pitch in. I was rather hurt a few years ago, because there was a big family dinner at noon, we had left as soon as I got off work the day before, and since they planned it at noon and we had to drive about 11 hours (so spent the night in a hotel on the way), I felt bad, but we didn't bring anything. We didn't know very far ahead that it was at noon rather than at night. I was shamed a bit by a SIL because "well when we have a long drive, we just pack the food in coolers." It made me kind of mad. We had had neither the time nor the space in our car for coolers (and overnight?), and if they had thought of us and made it later in the day, I would have been glad to contribute, even if I had stopped at Jack's and brought chicken fingers. That is the only situation like that I've had, though. If we just have one family over, someone is new in the community, or I know someone has been busy or sick, when they (always) ask what they can bring, I say, "just yourselves." But for large feast meals/get togethers, it's a community thing. The host family does end up contributing more and usually contributes the main dish/es, so I certainly don't mind pitching in. Usually, more "planning" goes into it when it is a meal like Thanksgiving with specific menu items. It's so ingrained into my community, that even when I say not to bring anything, people usually show up with something like a dessert or drinks.

[footballmom]

I can see all sides of this - when we host, it takes weeks of work (mixed in with regular life stuff) to ensure my house will be ready, I have tables and chairs and a fairly accurate headcount plus shopping and cooking and all the things.  It is a blessing to me as a host when I know who is bringing what - some guests will tell me what they want to bring and some ask what I would like them to bring. All told, it helps me relax as the hostess knowing basics and favorites and details are covered.

I’ve also been the guest who is either told what to bring or I’m asked what to bring.  I want to be helpful to the host and fill a gap / need in the meal.

I will be honest, and this may put me in an ungracious light, but my FOO dynamic is they are terrible guests. Too many stories, but they will ask what to bring, we will work that out and then they will bring surprise dishes and be “hurt” when theirs is the second or third of that type of dish and their dish isn’t eaten very much.  I wish I could just throw my hands up and say “Jesus take the wheel” but when it’s 40 people, I want everyone to leave happy and content.  Never possible with them, so it’s an acceptance and we rarely have all the people together anymore anyway. 

[skimomma]

I am happy either way.  Actually, it is nice to be told because then I know what I am bringing blends with the rest of the meal and I don't have to think about it.  If the request is for something I cannot make, don't want to make, or whatever, I think it is fine to negotiate.  "I am terrible at making pies but I'd be happy to bring one from the local bakery."  "I don't drink but I'd be happy to bring sparkling juice."  Etc.....

However, when I am hosting, I typically prefer people just come empty-handed or with something universally useful like wine or a dessert.  I tend to host large groups, with a small kitchen and oven.  It is hard enough to get the basics of a meal properly cooked and with a serving location without juggling outside dishes.  Luckily, that is the culture of our social group so that is assumed.  When someone says, "just bring yourselves," people believe it and will likely show up with a 6-pack or a bottle of wine or nothing, which is all fine.  I will occasionally be asked (or ask someone) to bring something that is a "specialty."  And that is also OK.

I have a tale from many years ago when I hosted Thanksgiving for dh's extended family for the first time.  It was more than just a meal since we live far from everyone and they were all staying with us.  I am vegetarian and have been since well before I joined dh's family.  Our whole household was (and still is) vegetarian and at previous holiday meals hosted by other family members, we had always politely ate whatever parts of the meal that were meat-free.  No one ever made an effort to make an alternative to turkey and we certainly did not expect it.  We were there for the experience, not the food.  But when I hosted, I made a menu plan for a fancy vegetarian meal that looked mostly traditional but subbed the turkey for a big stuffed squash main dish. No one was asked to bring anything because they were all traveling from far away, some by plane.  I was excited and nervous about this big meal and had the planning down to the minute detail so that every dish would be hot and ready to eat at the same time.  You can see where this is going.....

MIL arrives with a ginormous frozen turkey because Thanksgiving it not Thanksgiving without a turkey.  I get it (I think), but perhaps we could have discussed this?  I mean you haul a giant dead bird into a vegetarian's house.  A house without the proper cookware a huge STILL FROZEN bird that will need an entire day worth of oven space to prepare.....the very oven that's occupancy I had planned down to the second.  In the end, I ended up having to learn how to quick thaw a turkey (ew), going to town to buy a pan, and nixed my stuffed squash and a few other items as they would not get the needed oven time.  Dh and I ended up picking through the usual suspects of vegetarian items in our own home.  We were more amused than angry.  I made the planned dishes the next weekend and we did the meal I had dreamed of.  But really, who does that?  I did really mean just bring yourselves!  My house smelled like turkey for weeks and I was not amused at being left a whole bunch of leftovers we could not eat.  And they were bad, dried out leftovers, because I had no idea how to properly cook a turkey!  It turned out that MIL does not even like turkey and some other members of the family are also meat free so only 5-6 people ate the durn bird.  It all came down to MIL being worried that my BIL (the baby of the family) would not feel at home without turkey.

[Quarter Note]

"A host is like a general:  it takes a mishap to reveal his genius."  - Horace

Whether a host is Marney-like or not, something will not go right.  Whether or not I am assigned anything, I want to be the guest at a dinner where, if there end up being two of the same dish, the host/ess takes a bite of each and declares, "I can't decide which I like better!  Thank you both!"

Thanksgiving is supposed to be about gratitude for food, whatever happens! And, it's those things that don't go right that should make the funny memories that get passed through the family.

[Drama Llama]

...

Edited December 2, 2022 by BandH

[Jaybee]

3 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

Beloved friends of ours never tell us what to bring to parties. “Oh, whatever you want to bring!” It stresses me out. After about 6 years of this, I have a better idea of what regulars bring, so it’s not too bad. Except that time a new person brought deviled eggs and put them out right away. Of course I brought deviled eggs that time. 😛 

There can never be too many deviled eggs.

[Jaybee]

16 hours ago, Quill said:

Even my extended family when they have their family reunion operates the same way.  Everyone has "their" thing to contribute.  We just don't discuss it.  If someone isn't there one year, well we probably won't have "their" item but no one will go hungry.
 

How did this develop, I wonder? Surely there had to be some initial conversation somewhere in the past where it was discussed, right?

 

In our families, it developed because someone brought something one time, and everybody loved it! So from then on, it became the person's signature dish.

[teachermom2834]

These threads always give me so much perspective. But as often I am falling back on that southern phrase that makes no sense “can’t win for losing”.

I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I’ve been a guest. But it does change things to think that a not tiny percentage of people find it pretty offputting to be asked to bring something specific or commit to something. It hadn’t really occurred to me that after weeks of planning and cleaning and shopping and spending the equivalent of the monthly grocery budget some guest of mine who I really tried to make a nice day for might resentfully bring a pumpkin pie when they woke up feeling pecan. Well I just don’t know what to do with that!! 
 

The work is super disproportionate- yet the person who takes on the harder role can’t even know what to expect without being annoying? Ack. 
 

It’s like the gift exchange. There is no winning. I hope we can all just assume the best of people. And maybe start drinking before the guests arrive. 
 

edit: It truly is useful for me to know that people feel this way. It helps me as I decide how to proceed in the future. It honestly hadn’t occurred to me and I am too old to really just want things my way. I just want things calm and easy. 🙂

Edited November 19, 2022 by teachermom2834

[alisoncooks]

Both sides of my family of origin had big, extended family holiday gatherings. And both were potluck style because no one could reasonably feed that many people for one meal! (Often the hosting person handled the meat and plates or whatever, but everything else was claimed and made.) The idea of one person being responsible for the entire meal is so foreign to me. 

We “freeloaded” for years at my MIL’s (we drove 4 hours, overnighted in a hotel with two small kids). It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve been able to contribute and I’ve just told them what I could do (usually a cold dish and dessert). No biggie. 

[Guest]

I have found that whenever I host a large number of people (including anything with my whole family), there is always *something* - more often a few things - that I meant to do/make/clean that does not get done. I meant to make a cheese ball but I never got to it; I wanted  to wipe down the chairs but it didn’t materialize; I meant to get that pile of Goodwill stuff out the door but didn’t, etc. In the past few years (although with Covid, we haven’t had many parties), I have made two things a point, no matter what things don’t get done: 1) I am getting showered/dressed/hair fixed; and 2) I will have at least an hour buffer to chill the heck out before arrivals. It used to be I would keep scrambling, fussing, cleaning, making and fixing until people were walking in the door (or after) and an embarrassing number of times I did not get to freshen up myself before arrivals. So that’s my rule now: even if it means there’s no cheese ball, I am cleaning myself up and having a few minutes to SIT and just twiddle my thumbs before everyone arrives. 

[Danae]

The idea that anyone "hosts" family holiday meals is so foreign to me.  In my experience, both growing up and now, the adults involved get together in person or by conference call (then) or group text (now) and decide what day, whose house, and who'll bring what.  The person who is providing the room and tables and chairs isn't in charge (or responsible for the outcome) any more than the person providing any other bit.  

I think my family might be outliers in doing it this way.  And I'm sure it only works because we don't have a bunch of other underlying issues that come out through holiday angst.  (And now thinking about Thanksgiving growing up I suddenly miss my cousins' other-grandma's pie.  She was my dad's sister's husband's mom, so if there was a family cookbook I don't have it.  Maybe I'll email my aunt and see if she has the recipe. )

[Carol in Cal.]

For those who don’t understand why this would bother anyone, let me explain.

Inviting people over and then telling them to contribute is rude because it is a bait and switch.  In the guise of being a host, someone is claiming the right to then essentially ‘charge’ people for attending.  And the assigned price that is not disclosed until the invitation is accepted, which is awkward for everyone, and again, rude.

So what is the solution?

Someone can, in the invitation, offer to host a potluck holiday meal.  That way the fact that there is a price is disclosed in the invitation.  That avoids the rudeness of bait and switch.  Also, they can avoid being too extremely specific in requiring recipes to be brought.  They can mention in the invitation that fridge space is limited and oven space nonexistent, if those are true.  That way people know to bring coolers for the fridge stuff and not to count on warming things up when they arrive.  There are many ways to handle this that don’t involve doing a bait and switch and issuing orders like a military officer.

Edited November 19, 2022 by Carol in Cal.

[freesia]

1 hour ago, Carol in Cal. said:

For those who don’t understand why this would bother anyone, let me explain.

Inviting people over and then telling them to contribute is rude because it is a bait and switch.  In the guise of being a host, someone is claiming the right to then essentially ‘charge’ people for attending.  And the assigned price that is not disclosed until the invitation is accepted, which is awkward for everyone, and again, rude.

So what is the solution?

Someone can, in the invitation, offer to host a potluck holiday meal.  That way the fact that there is a price is disclosed in the invitation.  That avoids the rudeness of bait and switch.  Also, they can avoid being too extremely specific in requiring recipes to be brought.  They can mention in the invitation that fridge space is limited and oven space nonexistent, if those are true.  That way people know to bring coolers for the fridge stuff and not to count on warming things up when they arrive.  There are many ways to handle this that don’t involve doing a bait and switch and issuing orders like a military officer.

This is so interesting because it shows how different family cultures can be. I agree with you in general about most get together—even a family birthday. But, for me holiday meals are different. That may be because it’s so big and so nice for everyone to get together. But to expect one family to host and pay for an event that is a tradition in a family seems wrong. Usually the home is chosen because of size or location or willingness to host. That, to me, is different from hosting a dinner party or a grad party. 

[SKL]

In my family culture, there are no requests or expectations that guests will bring food.  Perhaps that is the epitome of host control, but I prefer it, whether I'm host or guest.

[teachermom2834]

1 hour ago, freesia said:

This is so interesting because it shows how different family cultures can be. I agree with you in general about most get together—even a family birthday. But, for me holiday meals are different. That may be because it’s so big and so nice for everyone to get together. But to expect one family to host and pay for an event that is a tradition in a family seems wrong. Usually the home is chosen because of size or location or willingness to host. That, to me, is different from hosting a dinner party or a grad party. 

Yeah and in our family it is different because I don’t even issue an invite- everyone just knows it will be at my place. They even tell me what time they will arrive and I work around them. Lol. I actually gave several months heads up that I wouldn’t be available this year so they could make other plans. 
 

But a holiday is also different because by cooking the holiday meal I am creating the holiday for their family. It isn’t just a regular Thursday and if they weren’t coming to my house they would be eating frozen pizza or whatever. They would be doing something else to celebrate the holiday. So by hosting this expensive and time consuming food focused holiday for their whole family and doing the prep and clean up I am saving them a bundle in time and money. So yeah…I’m ok with the admission being a pie. I think that’s a deal honestly. And so do they or they wouldn’t come. They really are getting a bargain! I don’t care what recipe they use or if it is homemade or whatever. But I’m going to be put out if they act put out by contributing something so small. I can’t even imagine. 

I have been deciding what to do in the future because I simply can’t do it all anymore. But I am definitely going to just buy everything and cut quality corners rather than ask anyone for anything. I’ll warn them about what we are having so they can supplement with what they want. But I’d rather cut quality  corners than ask for help. They can upgrade their basic experience but I am not interested in trying to convince anyone or strongarm anyone to do anything. 

Edited November 19, 2022 by teachermom2834

[SKL]

I don't think it's rude if that's the way it's been done for years i.e. if it's the family culture.

One has time for advance discussions about these things.  I'd think most good cooks would negotiate to bring their (seasonally-appropriate) specialty, while non-cooks would lobby to supply the wine or other easy / uncooked item.

Edited November 19, 2022 by SKL

[teachermom2834]

Just now, SKL said:

I don't think it's rude if that's the way it's been done for years i.e. if it's the family culture.

One has time for advance discussions about these things.  I'd think most good cooks would negotiate to being their (seasonally-appropriate) specialty, while non-cooks would lobby to supply the wine or other easy / uncooked item.

No one wants the non-cooks cooking 😂

[Lady Florida.]

I don't mind being told to bring a generic item like a side, salad, or dessert then being able to decide what to bring in said category. I don't think I've ever been told I must bring a specific item but there are expectations in our family about who will bring what. Everyone wants me to bring my sweet potato casserole so I do. Dss loves the marinated artichoke hearts my mom used to make so I bring those especially for him. Ddil's sister always does a sign up genius list so we can all sign up for what we want to bring in addition the food each of us usually brings that everyone expects. Ddil's mom and stepfather have been hosting the past 4 or 5 years so they do turkey and certain other items. The rest of us bring our expected beloved dishes without being told to, plus other items that need to be filled on the list. 

[73349]

I would not like a very specific assignment. I would be happy to be linked to a SignUpGenius to help make sure that those who bring something don't duplicate the host's or one another's efforts.

[freesia]

7 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

Yeah and in our family it is different because I don’t even issue an invite- everyone just knows it will be at my place. They even tell me what time they will arrive and I work around them. Lol. I actually have several months heads up that I wouldn’t be available this year so they could make other plans. 
 

But a holiday is also different because by cooking the holiday meal I am creating the holiday for their family. It isn’t just a regular Thursday and if they weren’t coming to my house they would be eating frozen pizza or whatever. They would be doing something else to celebrate the holiday. So by hosting this expensive and time consuming food focused holiday for their whole family and doing the prep and clean up I am saving them a bundle in time and money. So yeah…I’m ok with the admission being a pie. I think that’s a deal honestly. And so do they or they wouldn’t come. They really are getting a bargain! I don’t care what recipe they use or if it is homemade or whatever. But I’m going to be put out if they act put out by contributing something so small. I can’t even imagine. 

I have been deciding what to do in the future because I simply can’t do it all anymore. But I am definitely going to just buy everything and cut quality corners rather than ask anyone for anything. I’ll warn them about what we are having so they can supplement with what they want. But I’d rather cut quality  corners than ask for help. They can upgrade their basic experience but I am not interested in trying to convince anyone or strongarm anyone to do anything. 

Yes. And this brings up the point that at Thanksgiving people feel free to insist certain foods are there in certain ways. It feeds into what you are saying about creating a holiday for them. If they really saw it as you hosting in the same way as just a dinner party, they wouldn’t bring their expectations and demands of how things should be and what foods should be there. I am having trouble understanding how anyone thinks it’s ok to have the same family host and pay for all the food every year. I guess I see how that happens when the parents keep doing it and everyone gets used to that and it fits the rhythm of parents providing for kids. But to expect your sister to each year? And it’s rude to ask for anything? And you must have certain foods in certain ways????

[Lady Florida.]

25 minutes ago, freesia said:

But to expect one family to host and pay for an event that is a tradition in a family seems wrong. Usually the home is chosen because of size or location or willingness to host. 

This. Ddil's mom and stepdad host Thanksgiving and Christmas because their house can easily accommodate all of us, not for any other reason. I can't imagine expecting them to provide all of the food just because the holiday is hosted at their house.

[busymama7]

Once with my husband's side of the family we went to an extended family Thanksgiving.    They had essentially turkey and baked potatoes.   No gravy, no stuffing/dressing, no yams, no cranberry sauce.  I think there were rolls. But so many of us were so sad to miss out on traditional food that from then on (it was 24 or so years ago) we have communicated clearly what foods "make" the holiday for us.  And everyone either brings what is important to them or knows that someone else is bringing it.  We are all happy with this.  And there are a lot of us so I'm with those who don't think it's necessary for the host to provide all the food.  

Now having said that, I host Christmas eve with just my immediate family and the family of one on my husband's siblings.  Because the food is so important to me (what we had traditionally growing up) I do make almost all of it. The other family has a couple things they bring (punch veggies) but mostly I make it because it's important to me.  There are no hard feelings about either of these approaches because we are all reasonable people who have talked it out and use content based communication to express what's important to us.  

[scholastica]

21 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

Once with my husband's side of the family we went to an extended family Thanksgiving.    They had essentially turkey and baked potatoes.   No gravy, no stuffing/dressing, no yams, no cranberry sauce.  I think there were rolls. But so many of us were so sad to miss out on traditional food that from then on (it was 24 or so years ago) we have communicated clearly what foods "make" the holiday for us.  And everyone either brings what is important to them or knows that someone else is bringing it.  We are all happy with this.  And there are a lot of us so I'm with those who don't think it's necessary for the host to provide all the food.  

Now having said that, I host Christmas eve with just my immediate family and the family of one on my husband's siblings.  Because the food is so important to me (what we had traditionally growing up) I do make almost all of it. The other family has a couple things they bring (punch veggies) but mostly I make it because it's important to me.  There are no hard feelings about either of these approaches because we are all reasonable people who have talked it out and use content based communication to express what's important to us.  

What are punch veggies?

[busymama7]

4 minutes ago, scholastica said:

What are punch veggies?

Hahahah. Should have a comma.  (Punch, veggies) as examples of what they bring 

[Meriwether]

I will have 20 people for Thanksgiving, not just for the meal but for several days. It's at my house, but there isn't an expectation that I will do all the work. I'll do as much as possible ahead of time so my mom and sister actually have a rest while at my house. My daughter is making about 8 batches of rolls today. She'll make cookies, and I'll make cheesecake tomorrow. Tuesday I'll make pies - 2 pumpkin, 2 funny cake, 1 blueberry. Mom will probably bing a pecan (I told her to bring one if she wanted one when she asked what to bring lol) and shoo-fly. Wednesday morning I'll make the cranberry jello salad. Thursday we'll work together on the turkey/ham, gravy, potatoes, sweet potatoes, veggies. We'll all have a good time. I'll mostly cook the other meals, but they won't all be fancy. We'll have leftovers or grilled cheese or chips and dip. My sister is bringing up frozen pizza stuff she got for a fundraiser. I'll also make some nicer meals, especially breakfast. It will all be fine. We'll spend some of each day cooking and cleaning up and the rest of the time playing games or watching football or reading. We'll take the little girls Black Friday shopping even though it is terribly lame now. We'll also set up my Christmas decorations in about half an hour Saturday morning. Many hands.... After they leave, I will probably be picking up 500 nerf darts in the basement. It's a good time.

For dh's family get togethers it got to be too much for MIL to host everyone, so we all started bringing stuff. It's fine. I would typically make my stuff there, but we travel and sometimes my family is there a day or two before the meal. We just make it work.

[Grace Hopper]

No, as long as it’s not something entirely out of my wheelhouse (like an extravagant pastry I couldn’t pull off). If someone else is going to the trouble to host, I want to do whatever is possible to make their job easier. 
 

As a hostess, I’ll generally ask what people prefer to bring, but if there’s a theme that would narrow options (ie, traditional Thanksgiving food, Greek, Mexican, ykwim).

Tbh, as a hostess I prefer to prepare the whole meal myself but somebody always finds that something to complain about too. 😂

Edited November 20, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Grace Hopper]

I should probably add that when we used to do the just bring whatever you want for Thanksgiving, we sometimes ended up with Turkey, gravy, nothing green and enough desserts to send everyone into a diabetic coma. 

[KungFuPanda]

14 hours ago, MissLemon said:

I'm fine being assigned to bring something except when I have been assigned the "F.U." dish, aka the dish you tell someone to bring when you really don't want to eat their food, so you assign them something that no one will eat. 

The "f.u." dish is a tossed green salad with my people. The first year, I thought "Huh...green salad for Thanksgiving? Ok, if that's what they want...", and then no one other than me and DH touched it.  And I'm pretty sure the only reason DH ate any of it was because he knew I felt embarrassed. He kept saying "Doesn't anyone else want any of this delicious salad?!" until I kicked him under the table.  I called my sister afterward to ask if I was a terrible cook and no one wanted to hurt my feelings by telling me. She swears I am a decent cook. 🤷‍♀️  My people are just really rigid about their food options and opt for a narrow band of highly processed foods.  I once made a roast chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and frozen corn, (I thought this was a fairly tame dinner option for picky people!), and they just pushed it around their plate like it was roadkill. 

Man, I'm so glad I'm not dealing with this crap any more! 

 

    

I was once asked to bring salad. It was kind of fun. I added green beans and dried cranberries. It was delicious. The hosts liked veggies though and everyone agreed we needed something fresh and green to balance out all the rich dishes 

6 hours ago, Quill said:

I have found that whenever I host a large number of people (including anything with my whole family), there is always *something* - more often a few things - that I meant to do/make/clean that does not get done. I meant to make a cheese ball but I never got to it; I wanted  to wipe down the chairs but it didn’t materialize; I meant to get that pile of Goodwill stuff out the door but didn’t, etc. In the past few years (although with Covid, we haven’t had many parties), I have made two things a point, no matter what things don’t get done: 1) I am getting showered/dressed/hair fixed; and 2) I will have at least an hour buffer to chill the heck out before arrivals. It used to be I would keep scrambling, fussing, cleaning, making and fixing until people were walking in the door (or after) and an embarrassing number of times I did not get to freshen up myself before arrivals. So that’s my rule now: even if it means there’s no cheese ball, I am cleaning myself up and having a few minutes to SIT and just twiddle my thumbs before everyone arrives. 

I started building in that buffer about ten years ago. Before that I was a maniac until the minute everyone arrived. Now I have time to relax, breathe, and even read a chapter in my book. It makes all the difference. 
 

My childhood memories are full of communal cooking. I haven’t seen anyone mention this option. On both sides of the family, everyone would go early, stay all day, and prepare the meal together. The host got the turkey in, and I’m sure desserts were made at home, and I remember mom par-baking the rolls, but everyone was chopping and peeling  and working together for hours. In my mom’s family everyone chatted and the kids played all day. In Dad’s family everyone who could play an instrument played all day while everyone else cooked and the kids ran around in a pack. Nobody had a giant house, but we squeezed in and it just worked. 

[Shoeless]

1 minute ago, KungFuPanda said:

I was once asked to bring salad. It was kind of fun. I added green beans and dried cranberries. It was delicious. The hosts liked veggies though and everyone agreed we needed something fresh and green to balance out all the rich dishes 

My people later made a comment about how they "don't eat vegetables". 

There was a lot of territory-marking behavior from the ladies of the group. The green salad was one of many pointy-points made.  I eventually stopped trying so hard with these folks. They prefer things to be just-so, and I prefer not to feel like a jerk over salads and pie.  

[Guest]

I remember the communal cooking at my grandmother’s house. That felt so lovely and safe to me. Even now one of the Soundscapes I like for falling asleep is “Family Dinner”. That chatter of voices and the clink of silverware and an occasional chuckle…that is such a warm memory for me. 

[Faith-manor]

5 hours ago, freesia said:

Yes. And this brings up the point that at Thanksgiving people feel free to insist certain foods are there in certain ways. It feeds into what you are saying about creating a holiday for them. If they really saw it as you hosting in the same way as just a dinner party, they wouldn’t bring their expectations and demands of how things should be and what foods should be there. I am having trouble understanding how anyone thinks it’s ok to have the same family host and pay for all the food every year. I guess I see how that happens when the parents keep doing it and everyone gets used to that and it fits the rhythm of parents providing for kids. But to expect your sister to each year? And it’s rude to ask for anything? And you must have certain foods in certain ways????

Agreed. When my grandmother had wanted to host Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter every single year, all of their adult children contributed funds so the cost was not all on grandma and grandpa. Since three out of five had to travel long distance and would not arrive in time to help grandma, they did a ton of the clean up. My mom and dad would go over and help grandma with prep. We only lived three blocks away. No one was thoughtless about it at all. I think we must have been lucky because it all kind of shook out organically without any angst or drama. Maybe it was my auntie. The one I was very close to. She was a wonderful communicator and mediator so possibly there was something going on behind the scenes I didn't know about.

This whole, "Host me at your house and cater to my whims thing" is not just rude, it is disrespectful.

[Clarita]

I love communal cooking. I thought we designed our kitchen around that but my husband gets kind of grouchy about communal cooking (he likes to cook more than I do). When we do do it he has to pull me aside once in a while to complain about how the other people have terrible cooking technique and I'm in my happy fuzzy place so he deals with it.

That said I have very few friends that actually like doing communal cooking. I have friends who like to plan on doing this, but then nearly everyone shows up late with some random food.

[Scarlett]

I haven’t read all the replies….but this is a recurring subject here. I don’t do holidays but we do plenty of meals together.  Here are a few recent experiences of mine.

1)Invited to a family’s home with one other family. Per usual I asked what can I bring.  Host says how about Pico?  I say sure, chips too? She says yes.Later she says, don’t bring chips, we have several bags left over from such and such gathering. 
 

2)I am asked to provide a dish for a building project for the volunteers. I am told very specifically what to bring…..cucumber/tomato salad with the dressing on the side.  For 20 people.

3) Family reunion last week.  A sibling/wife came from CA…we came from OK……3 other sibs and MIL in AR where we gathered.  The food was purchased when we got there. Lots and lots of food.  And wine. And other alcohol.  We had a wonderful time.  The last day I asked SIL to please send me a text with what we owe….other SIL from CA said, yes me too.  There was nodding of the head and then well, you both had to travel……..it is Wednesday now and still no text from SIL….I will follow up since I want to contribute. 
 

4) Last year we had a family trip to the beach.  My accountant in-laws made spread sheets of who owed who what…..it was great. We shared food and alcohol costs.  As a surprise MIL paid for most of the beach house……bonus sister paid the rest as a gift for dhs and his brothers help with the big build they all did last year.  
 

As for @Quill I would suspect this is mostly about her terrible relationship with her terrible SIL. I bet if we had a WTM gathering she would not be near as annoyed if asked to bring the rolls.  Or pecan pie.  Or a salad.  Just a guess though. 

 

 

[LucyStoner]

We generally share Thanksgiving with 1 family.  I’m the cook in my family, the husband is the cook in that family. He and I collaborated in the early years so we weren’t duplicating dishes and now we just have it down.  I’ve never been assigned to bring something very specific to a gathering in my life unless someone was asking for a specialty of mine like blueberry pie. 

When we have had gatherings with my siblings, they usually asked me for specifics on what to bring. Like the reverse Marney. I established a habit of these meals being very, very simple so that there’s no stress and so I don’t resent them for leaving me with all the damn work.  Like seriously, they would ask me what to bring, I’d tell them to bring what they wanted to bring, they’d ask if X was ok and I’d be like sure, X sounds nice.  And THEN they would ask me for a recipe for X and a shopping list for X.  And I would just be like “figure.it.out.i.do.not.care”.  So I started suggesting the entire meal be sandwiches or soup or something like “I’m making lasagna, please bring whatever you want for dessert”.  One of my brothers and my dad used to randomly show up with food they wanted me to cook (anything from shrimp to a roast to a freaking duck) and it got old fast.  

We don’t do Thanksgiving with them but do a redux with one brother and his kids.  We’ve been estranged from my other brother for a long time but have recently been rekindling that relationship and we are more at the stage where we will meet for coffee or do stuff in public. Given that our childhood holidays were mostly absolute sh!tshows, I think we all have our own ways of dealing with that.  And one way was not getting everyone together all at once.  Maybe on New Years, we will have everyone over for dessert.  Not feeling ready for it quite yet and for better or for worse, New Years has always been a less stressful holiday for all of us than Thankgiving.  
 

and on that note why yes, I DO up my therapy from e/o week to weekly during the holidays.  Why do you ask?! 😆

Edited November 24, 2022 by LucyStoner

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Not as long as it's within my budget and wheelhouse. If someone asked me to make gluten filled items (breads, pies, cakes, stuffing, etc), I would be upset. Then again, if I were being invited to a large meal I would assume that person would know I have celiac and wouldn't ask me to make those items. Being told what to bring would certainly take pressure off. No sifting through recipes trying to determine if something is appropriate for others or if it would be acceptable. I have so much food anxiety and taking dishes to meals/potlucks can be debilitating. I'm afraid, if left to my own devices, I would be carting around 2 dozen deviled eggs and a jar of sweet pickles.

Edited November 25, 2022 by Granny_Weatherwax

[Soror]

On 11/19/2022 at 3:10 AM, MissLemon said:

I'm fine being assigned to bring something except when I have been assigned the "F.U." dish, aka the dish you tell someone to bring when you really don't want to eat their food, so you assign them something that no one will eat. 

The "f.u." dish is a tossed green salad with my people. The first year, I thought "Huh...green salad for Thanksgiving? Ok, if that's what they want...", and then no one other than me and DH touched it.  And I'm pretty sure the only reason DH ate any of it was because he knew I felt embarrassed. He kept saying "Doesn't anyone else want any of this delicious salad?!" until I kicked him under the table.  I called my sister afterward to ask if I was a terrible cook and no one wanted to hurt my feelings by telling me. She swears I am a decent cook. 🤷‍♀️  My people are just really rigid about their food options and opt for a narrow band of highly processed foods.  I once made a roast chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and frozen corn, (I thought this was a fairly tame dinner option for picky people!), and they just pushed it around their plate like it was roadkill. 

Man, I'm so glad I'm not dealing with this crap any more! 

I missed your post the first time through. I mostly like my family but that it is how it is here. At my mom's house everything is made how her mom made it, perhaps her grandma I don't know. There are specific recipes and she has to make it so they are just right. The only deviation is the fried turkey my brother makes. She makes everything from scratch. My mil makes a mix of semi-homemade and packaged items. They prefer more processed affair. They talk lots and lots of crap on the one aunt who brings her from scratch pies. To complicate it I'm gluten free so even if a food can easily be made gluten free or is naturally gluten free it would be eyed with suspicion for me to make it. I don't really feel involved in either meal which stinks as I love to cook. I used to have a group of friends and we did rotating dinner parties. I don't have that any more and really miss it. I love the communal cooking with people I'm close to. It is my happy place. Family holidays are not so for me I have to work to not think about it. I've put a lot of thought into how I'll do holidays when my own kids are grown and hope that I can make my own feel more welcome and included. I've tried and failed for 20 years to be more involved with my family meals and have given up. I just show up. If I bring anything I bring food I like. That's much better than bringing the FU dish.

(sitting here deciding what to bring and obviously not doing so well on the not thinking about it part..... I think this year I'm doing potatoes au gratin, roasted brussel sprouts, and cranberry salad--- contemplating a gf dessert)

 

 

[73349]

For anyone not familiar with the story, here's the Marney letter: https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/11/26/home-for-the-holidays/

[regentrude]

On 11/19/2022 at 6:15 PM, KungFuPanda said:

My childhood memories are full of communal cooking. I haven’t seen anyone mention this option.

When my kids were young, we cooked together as a family. One year I had my right hand in a splint and could only give directions,  and the kids cooked the entire meal ( dh did the turkey).

However, with additional guests, my kitchen does not lend itself to communal cooking by more than 3-4 people. Everyone would fall over each other's feet. It's much more efficient if I just do it myself. 

[Brittany1116]

I was assigned the FU food for years by MIL. But instead of it being a dish no one cared about, it was "two dozen store-bought rolls" because they thought I couldn't cook and couldn't mess up rolls in a plastic bag. I was irked the first few times, then said, oh well, less work for me. After a decade, I was upgraded to pumpkin pie. 

Edited November 24, 2022 by Brittany1116