Issues with teen dating (age span)

[Storygirl]

I could use some wider input on an issue, and who better to ask than the Hive?

What are your thoughts on an 18 year old boy (senior in high school) pursing a relationship with a 15 year old girl who attends the same school? If you were a parent of either of them, what would you think? If you didn't approve, would you institute any rule/boundaries, and how would you enforce them? In this case, neither of the teens in question are able to drive.

Let's discuss.

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

I could use some wider input on an issue, and who better to ask than the Hive?

What are your thoughts on an 18 year old boy (senior in high school) pursing a relationship with a 15 year old girl who attends the same school? If you were a parent of either of them, what would you think? If you didn't approve, would you institute any rule/boundaries, and how would you enforce them? In this case, neither of the teens in question are able to drive.

Let's discuss.

I am usually in the minority about dating issues, but I would not allow a 15 year old to date at all. And if I had an 18 year old I would strongly discourage such a relationship. If 18 year old lived with me I would forbid the relationship.  15 year old is too young and if it turned sexual the 18 year old could be in legal trouble.  But  beyond the sex,  I am also very much against the entire thing.

[heartlikealion]

I don't like age gaps like that. One is going to go off to college soon and already able to drive and vote whereas the other is just in the beginning of their high school time. When I was a kid I wasn't allowed to date til I was 16. And I am sure my parents wouldn't want my first date to be with a guy that was older (and let's face it, probably more experienced). 

Not sure if there's a delicate way to say this, but I would worry there would be a power/control dynamic imbalance and the girl may feel pressured to "catch up" to the boy's sexual desires/expectations, if applicable. 

If the boy was my son I would tell him to date someone closer to his own age. I may even tell him to consider the longevity of it (will you two be going to the same town/college). 

If the girl was my daughter I would say you don't need to date yet or at least not someone that much older. I would maybe encourage group outings. 

*sorry, legally old enough to have full-fledged license. Forgot he's not driving. 

Edited October 25, 2022 by heartlikealion

[Lawyer&Mom]

When I was 15 I dated a 19 year old boy at the same school.  (I was a freshman, he was a senior.)  He was known and well liked by my parents.  He was such a gentleman, there was no expectation of or pressure for sexual activity beyond kissing.  (There was lots of that!)  I have very fond memories of that relationship, we are actually still friends today, went to each other’s weddings, send each other Christmas cards etc.  So I think it absolutely can be okay.  But, wow, it would be *so* case by case specific.  I would be very clear with both of them about expectations and I would have to know both of the kids involved would be responsible.  I’d probably also check the relevant laws in my jurisdiction and make sure the kids knew about those laws too.  (I sure did, even back in 1995.)

[teachermom2834]

I have a dd who is a freshman in high school. She is smart and mature but man would I have such doubts about an 18 yo who was interested in her. I would not allow it. I have three older boys and they all dated in high school and I usually come down on the side of it being counterproductive to forbid things but I am pretty sure I would forbid this. I just can’t imagine the scenario that I wouldn’t. Even the nicest young men that I know that age would cease to seem nice to me when they started pursuing my dd at her age. So I think this would be a hard no and a hill I would die on. What exactly that would look like I’m not sure. 
 

My dd goes to Catholic school and they straight up say they discourage freshman from dating upperclassmen. They don’t allow freshmen to attend prom. They actively work to discourage pairing up of that age difference in activities. Of course they can’t actually do anything but in any way they can engineer things to discourage it they do and they even tell the parents and students  they discourage it. I get the sense some major problems may have happened in the past at the school in that regard for them to actually take a stand on it. 😟

 

[Corraleno]

I had an 18 yr old boyfriend when I was 15 (I skipped junior year and graduated at 16). He was smart, funny, and a total sweetheart. Definitely more mature than the 15 yr old guys I knew, and I mean that in the best way (he was well read and liked to talk about literature and philosophy and the meaning of life), not in the sense that he pressured me to do things I didn't want to. We  eventually lost touch after we went off to college, but I still think of him fondly.

[Grace Hopper]

19 minutes ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

When I was 15 I dated a 19 year old boy at the same school.  (I was a freshman, he was a senior.)  He was known and well liked by my parents.  He was such a gentleman, there was no expectation of or pressure for sexual activity beyond kissing.  (There was lots of that!)  I have very fond memories of that relationship, we are actually still friends today, went to each other’s weddings, send each other Christmas cards etc.  So I think it absolutely can be okay.  But, wow, it would be *so* case by case specific.  I would be very clear with both of them about expectations and I would have to know both of the kids involved would be responsible.  I’d probably also check the relevant laws in my jurisdiction and make sure the kids knew about those laws too.  (I sure did, even back in 1995.)

I agree, it’s situation specific. Just looking at the numbers I’d say nope, our family dating threshold is age 16, and even then we encourage them to not go steady with anyone right away, but just do shared activities while getting to know each other. Many 19 year olds are beyond wanting that kind of limitations. 

[Bootsie]

It would really depend upon the particulars of the situation whether I would be concerned or not.  It would be very odd in my location for an 18-year old maile to not be able to drive.  So, I wonder if there is more to this particular situation.  There could also be a big difference in an 18-year old--15-year old age gap.  Are we talking about a senior in high school who turned 18 last week and a sophome in high school who turns 16 in a few weeks (really more of a 2 year age difference)?  Or is it a 18-year old, who will turn 19 nexxt week and a freshman who just turned 15 (so more like a four year age difference).  

But, my parents were high school sweethearts--with that much of an age difference, like many other people I know.

[Grace Hopper]

5 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I had an 18 yr old boyfriend when I was 15 (I skipped junior year and graduated at 16). He was smart, funny, and a total sweetheart. Definitely more mature than the 15 yr old guys I knew, and I mean that in the best way (he was well read and liked to talk about literature and philosophy and the meaning of life), not in the sense that he pressured me to do things I didn't want to. We  eventually lost touch after we went off to college, but I still think of him fondly.

One of our dds was similar - young due to grade skipping - and was crushed on by a same grade young man who was older because of being held back at a young age due to a health issue. They are both great kids but there came a point where the age difference (about 2.5yrs) kind of came as an aha moment for my dd, and led to the relationship cooling. Now they are young adults and have a great friendship, time is a great equalizer for age differences that are significant in the teen years. 
 

eta funny thing now this guy is dating a girl about two years younger than my dd. 

Edited October 25, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[kirstenhill]

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Edited October 25, 2022 by kirstenhill
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[kirstenhill]

I'd be pretty hesitant unless there were circumstances making this gap smaller than it seems (aka, maybe they are really only a grade apart in school due to birthdays or grade skip/held back).  I'd probably encourage the teens to wait a bit, continue as friends/hanging out in a group.  

[vonfirmath]

4 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

One of our dds was similar - young due to grade skipping - and was crushed on by a same grade young man who was older because of being held back at a young age due to a health issue. They are both great kids but there came a point where the age difference (about 2.5yrs) kind of came as an aha moment for my dd, and led to the relationship cooling. Now they are young adults and have a great friendship, time is a great equalizer for age differences that are significant in the teen years. 
 

eta funny thing now this guy is dating a girl about two years younger than my dd. 

An age difference that is very concerning in the teen age years definitely becomes not near as big a deal as you get older

My husband is 5 years younger than me. If we'd started dating when I was 20 -- that would have been VERY concerning. In fact, as a freshman in college I rebuffed the interest of a guy about 5 years older than me because I could not understand why he was interested in me with such a age gap.

But my husband and I got married when I was 30 so by 10 years older it was not as big a deal.

 

[marbel]

If I was the parent of the girl, I would want to get to know the boy very well, and would try to restrict them to public and/or group outings. 

If I was the parent of the boy, I'd explain to him that he needed to be very careful and 'gentlemanly' and happily (not begrudgingly) follow any rules the parents of the girl set down. I'd not want them to be alone much. 

The boy's inability to drive is a feature here, I think, not a bug. (Not the same thing because there was not a large age difference, but my daughter and her boyfriend were restricted to parent driving or public transportation for a couple years after they got together, as neither drove. I liked that.) 

I'd advise both to keep it light as there would be a good chance that the relationship would end if/when the boy went off to college. I once heard advice for teens/young adults and dating: don't let the relationship get so serious that if it ended, one of the party's hearts would be broken. I'm not sure how one manages that exactly, but I think it's good advice. 

[Kassia]

One of my sons was in a relationship like this and it made me very uncomfortable until the gf got a little older.  She was 15 and he was 18 when they started dating and they were together for 3 1/2 years.  I had some serious talks with him about sexting since she was under 18.  He went off to college soon after they started dating but they stayed together for quite a while after that.  I'm not sure how I'd handle it if it were the other way around - with a young dd with an older bf.  Ds is a great guy and was a wonderful boyfriend to her - so devoted and in love when they were together.

[lauraw4321]

I was 14 and dated an 18 year old. It did not turn out well at all. In fact I have a lot of trauma and emotional damage from it. I'm not really sure how much my parents could have / should have put a stop to things, but it's something I would discourage if it were my child. I've been really open with my own 14 y.o. about this. About how this man chose me because he could see that I was so susceptible to the ... honor?... of being sought out by an older guy. And he used that to his full advantage. He's a guy that I fully expect to read annihilated his entire family one day. If I see him, my instinct would be to run and hide (happened once). So yeah, take that for what it's worth.

[Soror]

I have spoke about age differences in dating with my kids long before such a thing was on their minds. I'm very against that big of a gap in the highschool years. For the boy there is too much risk of ending up prosecuted if things go south and there has been s*xual relations and for the girl there is too often a power discrepancy. I dated an older boy as a freshman and I wish my parents had been more candid with me. Banning things generally doesn't work so well if teens are determined but one can lay some ground rules and be frank about expectations, pitfalls, worries etc. DD had a couple of friends with boyfriends that much older and their parents seem to be a-ok with that. I'm flabbergasted. 

[Kassia]

20 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

 He was smart, funny, and a total sweetheart. Definitely more mature than the 15 yr old guys I knew, and I mean that in the best way (he was well read and liked to talk about literature and philosophy and the meaning of life), not in the sense that he pressured me to do things I didn't want to. We  eventually lost touch after we went off to college, but I still think of him fondly.

This is similar to my ds' relationship with his younger gf.  They met on a school team and had lots in common.  I think she liked him because he was more mature than the boys her age.  

[Soror]

Just now, lauraw4321 said:

I was 14 and dated an 18 year old. It did not turn out well at all. In fact I have a lot of trauma and emotional damage from it. I'm not really sure how much my parents could have / should have put a stop to things, but it's something I would discourage if it were my child. I've been really open with my own 14 y.o. about this. About how this man chose me because he could see that I was so susceptible to the ... honor?... of being sought out by an older guy. And he used that to his full advantage. He's a guy that I fully expect to read annihilated his entire family one day. If I see him, my instinct would be to run and hide (happened once). So yeah, take that for what it's worth.

My experience wasn't as severe as that but quite frankly when I see an older guy going after a much younger girl I think it is most likely he is doing it to take advantage of her young age, naivete etc. I've talked about my experience with the girls (more detail with the 15 yr old) obviously). There are some good guys out there dating younger girls but too many that are not.

 

[teachermom2834]

I do see how it can be situation specific. I knew a family once where they dd was in this kind of relationship. The parents were very attentive and protective. The dd later dated my ds (they were exactly the same age) and the mom had made comments like “he was 18 but he really was not” or “he was older but really it wasn’t like that at all” and make a face. Lol. So I don’t know what the deal was but I trusted the mom and her judgement so I really didn’t think it was icky. However, that relationship did end very badly. I think the boy all of a sudden grew up very quickly and it went south. Like he was really immature until he wasn’t. 
 

Obviously situations will always vary. But when it comes to my dd it is hard to picture the older boy that would make it ok! 

Edited October 25, 2022 by teachermom2834

[rebcoola]

Situation specific for sure. I dated older guys in high school and it was good with some and bad with others.  I don't think forbidding relationships with teens usually works especially if they are in school.  I would be trying to keep a very open dialogue with my kid.

[BusyMom5]

No dating until 16- I think that's a very good rule.  I did have boys that were friends at that age- we hung out in groups at activities.   That's not a date.  Where I live,  it seems everyone starts driving at 16- boys and girls.   I'm wondering of the maturity level of an 18 year old who doesn't drive?  Where would they go?  So much depends on the boy and the girl, and the exact ages and maturity levels.  Also questioning their purpose in dating.  

[Lawyer&Mom]

10 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

No dating until 16- I think that's a very good rule.  I did have boys that were friends at that age- we hung out in groups at activities.   That's not a date.  Where I live,  it seems everyone starts driving at 16- boys and girls.   I'm wondering of the maturity level of an 18 year old who doesn't drive?  Where would they go?  So much depends on the boy and the girl, and the exact ages and maturity levels.  Also questioning their purpose in dating.  

My 19 year old didn’t drive because his family couldn’t afford a car for him.  It’s not always about maturity.  He was very into bicycles and actually worked as a bike mechanic.  We rode bikes or walked all over our small town.  We broke up before I turned 16, it would have been awkward when I had a car and he didn’t.  

[bibiche]

17 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

   I'm wondering of the maturity level of an 18 year old who doesn't drive?  

Um, a driver’s license doesn’t confer maturity. Many of the most sophisticated 18+ kids I know don’t drive, some because they are mature enough to realize that teenage brain + car = not a good combination.

Edited October 25, 2022 by bibiche

[Bambam]

I don't mind age ranges once both individuals are adults, but I don't think an 18 yo (legally an adult, but possibly not maturity-wise an adult) and a teen (child, not close to being an adult) should be dating. If the age difference was a year, that is different. I think an adult dating a child has an imbalance of power.  I know some folks are 100% okay with it if the older one is a female with the younger one being a male, but they are against it if the older is a male with the younger female. To me, in both arrangements there is a possible imbalance of power, so I think it is just best to avoid. 

No way I would let my 15 yo date an 18 yo though.  Both of my kids are older, but this was never an issue here - for which I am thankful. 

[EmilyGF]

I would do everything I could to welcome the guy into the family so that I could both not say no and protect my daughter. FWIW, I have a dd15 so I can imagine a 15-yo girl. She is super mature, though.

When I was 17, I started dating a 22-yo. My parents had the guy over for dinner, included him in family functions like Easter, and just welcomed him with open arms. In retrospect, he was fairly bad news (no drugs, though, which would have been a hard no). My parents protected me by making the relationship totally legit and letting me see him as a normal person and not forbidden fruit. As I matured, I realized how immature he was and the relationship met its necessary end.

Emily

[Scarlett]

When my sister’s daughter was 15 she had a 19 year old interested in her.  They allowed some contact but pretty quickly they told him politely that their daughter was too young and to go away for now.  He complied.  2 years  later when she was close to 18 he came back and 3 years later they married.  They have been married 20 years and have 3 kids.

[Carrie12345]

I’m not one for hard rules. There are circumstances under which I’d allow it, which include knowing the older teen VERY well.  Like, for years and being extremely close with their family.  I can’t see myself being comfortable with that gap and someone I don’t know.

But I’ve never actually had to face that. I think the largest age gap here was 2 years when dd was about to turn 18.

[Carrie12345]

Adding, much of my parenting experience has been with kids who are much “younger” than their ages, which is a big part of my outlook. My 15.5yo son does not fit the mold of a 15.5yo boy these days, and I doubt that’ll change by 18. I know many boys who aren’t your now-a-days Young Adult Men, iykwim.

[skimomma]

Please don't quote as I will delete later!

 

Edited October 26, 2022 by skimomma

[ktgrok]

Ugh. On the one hand, girls are so much more mature at that age in a lot of ways - but then who wants their daughter dating an immature guy? Ugh. 

I would NOT forbid them to see each other, or try to legislate emotions, as that never works well in that age group. (or almost never)

I WOULD insist that given the age of the 15 yr old that any interactions be group situations only. And if I were the parent of the 15 yr old I'd likely sit both of them down and explain that, face to face, and that a breech of that rule would mean I WOULD enforce no contact, no matter what it took. And I'd lay out that anything sexual would be illegal, could ruin the 18 yr old's life, etc. Even sexy messages could be grounds for jail time. I would not be mean, but I'd be clear, and I'd have serious boundaries, and pray it doesn't last. 

And I'd get that 15 yr old VERY BUSY with other 15 yr old kids in healthy activities. 

[heartlikealion]

6 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Ugh. On the one hand, girls are so much more mature at that age in a lot of ways - but then who wants their daughter dating an immature guy? Ugh. 

I would NOT forbid them to see each other, or try to legislate emotions, as that never works well in that age group. (or almost never)

I WOULD insist that given the age of the 15 yr old that any interactions be group situations only. And if I were the parent of the 15 yr old I'd likely sit both of them down and explain that, face to face, and that a breech of that rule would mean I WOULD enforce no contact, no matter what it took. And I'd lay out that anything sexual would be illegal, could ruin the 18 yr old's life, etc. Even sexy messages could be grounds for jail time. I would not be mean, but I'd be clear, and I'd have serious boundaries, and pray it doesn't last. 

And I'd get that 15 yr old VERY BUSY with other 15 yr old kids in healthy activities. 

If you can't enforce the former, how would you enforce the latter? Or rather, if you don't expect them to be responsive to the first, what makes you think they would be responsive to the second? 

If it was a group thing, you can't be there to see that the group doesn't part ways (if someone else in the group drives or if they are in walking distance to go separate ways, etc). With contact there are so many ways to communicate (discord, facebook messenger, whatsapp, skype, someone else's phone, google phone numbers). 

Likewise, simply saying "you can't date yet" (referencing my post) doesn't necessarily stop kids from calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend on campus and smooching out of parents' sight.  

Edited October 25, 2022 by heartlikealion
sight not site.

[City Mouse]

As the parent of the 18yr old boy, I would be very careful to know what the laws in your state. In some states a physical relationship with that age difference would not be legal and the boy could wind up in all kinds of trouble. While there may be no intention of a physical relationship between the two, things happen and rumors get spread. I would strongly suggest that the 18yr old boy not be alone with a 15yr old girl. 

Edited October 25, 2022 by City Mouse

[ktgrok]

32 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

If you can't enforce the former, how would you enforce the latter? Or rather, if you don't expect them to be responsive to the first, what makes you think they would be responsive to the second? 

If it was a group thing, you can't be there to see that the group doesn't part ways (if someone else in the group drives or if they are in walking distance to go separate ways, etc). With contact there are so many ways to communicate (discord, facebook messenger, whatsapp, skype, someone else's phone, google phone numbers). 

Likewise, simply saying "you can't date yet" (referencing my post) doesn't necessarily stop kids from calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend on campus and smooching out of parents' sight.  

At that point, if they are sneaking off to be alone (not in the hallway smooching, but alone alone), I'd have the child switch schools if need be, or bring the authorities in if need be, etc...heavy actions that I would not do right away. 

What I meant in the first part was that as you say, can't stop them from calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend at school, or saying they love each other, etc, without doing something heavy like a switch in location/school/etc. So I wouldn't try, I'd instead focus on them not being alone together. Only if that wasn't possible would I switch to more draconian action. 

[SKL]

On one hand, I don't like the age gap given the younger is 15.  On the other hand, I don't know how you prevent teens from liking each other.

My kid started "dating" at 15 (nearing 16).  To define "dating" in this case, a bunch of teens who attended a summer day camp continued interacting via iphones, and after a couple months of this my kid announced she and Boy were "dating."  (They live in different states.)

The nice thing about 15yo is that they can't drive anywhere alone.  I have taken my kid places to meet her boyfriend (daytime, public place, with friend/sister), and I've had him over at our house for visits.  They are never alone together.

Not gonna lie and say I don't worry about dumb decisions.  So far I've been able to supervise well enough, and I hope that continues for a while.

When one partner is 18, he probably has lots of freedom to drive to private places etc.  However, that doesn't mean I have to let my 15yo go off with him.  I don't think there's anything wrong with up-front telling him that I don't allow 15yos to go on unsupervised dates.

[zimom]

I certainly would not be a fan of such an arrangement.  Looking back, for various reasons I understand now, my parents allowed me too much freedom as a teen IMHO.  I went on a couple of dates as a 15 yo with an 18 yo.  Although nothing inappropriate happened at all, looking back, it was one of those situations, I wish my parents had just not allowed me to be in.   My children are now all of legal age, but I hope the single ones will date close to their own age.  

[TexasProud]

nevermind

Edited October 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[SKL]

Agree that in many states, sexual contact between 15yo and 18yo is a crime (statutory rape).  And parents need to drill that into the heads of any boys or girls interested in younger partners.

But it's only a short matter of time before 15 becomes 16 (age of consent in my state).  So it makes sense to set rules that will still make sense when both partners can legally consent.  I for one don't think the 16th birthday magically makes a teen mature enough for unsupervised dating.

[Kassia]

In our situation when ds was dating a younger girl, the girl's parents didn't care at all.  In fact, they made it very easy for the two of them to have time alone and even encouraged it.  I liked the girl but hated the situation.  Her parents were divorced and both had careers and busy lives so there were always empty homes available.  And the girl's dad had an apartment above the garage where the two of them would watch movies all the time so they had waaaaay too much privacy and opportunity.  

When ds was in college, he lived off campus with a few other guys and the girl's parents let her drive the three hours to campus and stay with him in an apartment full of college guys.  I just didn't get it.  I talked to him a lot about the situation - legal issues, respect for her age, birth control, protection, etc.  

[prairiewindmomma]

I am not a fan, at all.

Re: potential legal issues, my state has an age of consent law.  You cannot consent if you are not 18. The end. Beyond that, it is rape or sodomy (depending on the act) in the third degree (even if the younger party knowingly and willingly participated in whatever occurred) to have intercourse with a person who is under 16.

I am really not a fan of dating before 16, nor am I a fan of any serious relationship until at least 18, and preferably until after undergrad.  It's really hard to allow dating and then ban "serious relationships"---but we have a lot of discussion from before adolescence about what our "jobs" are as teens and young adults. Your job as a teen, besides getting a good education, includes discovering who you are and putting a solid foundation under yourself.  Trying to become a partner of any sort with someone who is going through the same process just isn't a great idea.

I look at my own extended family and I can show relatives who accidentally impregnated others when they themselves were also teens and how that has shaped their entire life course.  Leave the potential for parenthood for when you are capable of taking on that responsibility, iykwim.....and the corollary of that....most of us have inherent within us a desire to bond with another....don't go stirring up serious feelings for another when you are a teen either.  I have nieces and nephews who have changed educational and work plans over high school relationships--curtailing their lives because their partner doesn't want to relocate for uni and they don't want to leave them behind. I can't help but think that they would have been in a better position if they had waited to partner up until they were in their mid-20s. 

Life is hard, man. If you aren't a solid income earner in today's world, you aren't able to live securely (at least in the US) with adequate access to housing, healthcare, or other necessaries. 

I'm sure I'm going to get jumped on by those saying a few dates does not equal a serious relationship, but I think once the cattle has left the chute, it's hard to put it back in. 

[katilac]

Situation-specific to me, and not something we ever had a hard rule on (and it did not come up for my kids). 

The problems with a hard-and-fast rule being handed down from on high are, 1) some kids love a challenge (this was me), and 2) this is one of the easiest things in the world to lie about. My parents had an age rule, and I most definitely did not follow it. If a teen goes to a good-sized high school, maybe has a part-time job and/or some ECs, you surely do not know everyone in their social circle. 

Also, those concerned about it seem to have a general agreement that 2 years is fine, 3 years is too much. It's obviously not exactly 2 year or exactly 3 years, it's somewhere in between. Where do you draw that line? 2 years and 5 months is fine, but 2 years 6 months gets rounded up to 3? Or you ask how old he is before the first date, and they truthfully answer 17, but that 18th birthday might be right around the corner. 

7 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

 I'm wondering of the maturity level of an 18 year old who doesn't drive?     

This is one of the weirder things I've heard. Plenty of grown adults don't drive!

1 hour ago, ktgrok said:

or bring the authorities in if need be 

This only works when they're sexually active, of course. There's no law that they can't date or say they love each other. 

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

 even though in one case I know it was consensual as I saw the girl going after him. 

Unless you were watching them have sex, you absolutely have no idea if it was consensual. 

[Alice]

I agree with the people who said it would be somewhat situation dependent as far as how I’d feel about it. I don’t think the age gap automatically means a "power" imbalance if they are both in high school. The fact that they are both in high school makes it less potentially problematic to me than say a 19 year old who is in college who wants to date a high school student or a 23 year old graduate who is interested in a 20 year old college student. Those could also be ok, but raise more red flags to me than two people who are in the same basic life stage. I know that an 18 year old senior will go to college and things will change but I think it’s easy for adults to look at a situation and think "well next year, he’ll be in college and in a very different stage of life".  To kids (either the senior or the 15 year old) a year seems really far away and I think it’s hard for them to imagine how much of a different place they will be in. 

I think regardless, if I was one of the parents, I’d probably talk to my kid about potential issues but I wouldn’t forbid it. I’m firmly of the belief that since you can’t forbid feelings (or as many people point out...you can’t forbid them seeing each other at school or even other places unless you are keeping your teen in a bubble) I’d rather the teens be open about it and feel like they can come to me if there is an issue. 

[TexasProud]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

 

Unless you were watching them have sex, you absolutely have no idea if it was consensual. 

nevermind

Edited October 26, 2022 by TexasProud

[katilac]

15 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

 <snip>

I am really not a fan of dating before 16, nor am I a fan of any serious relationship until at least 18, and preferably until after undergrad.  It's really hard to allow dating and then ban "serious relationships"--- 

,<snip>

I'm sure I'm going to get jumped on by those saying a few dates does not equal a serious relationship, but I think once the cattle has left the chute, it's hard to put it back in. 

22 before dating? I think that's fine if you're not interested and don't want to date, but I find it hard to picture many young people not dating AT ALL throughout all of high school and college. I don't think it's a bad thing if they don't have the interest, but I don't think it's a great thing to really push in the late teen/young adult phase. 

Maybe it's hard to ban a serious relationship when teens are dating, but it's also quite hard to ban a serious relationship when teens are not dating. If teens have the chance to see and/or talk to each other pretty regularly, they can develop a serious relationship even if they only do group activities and never a stereotypical 'date.'

Being banned from dating or having a boyfriend/girlfriend can actually add quite a bit more excitement to it than otherwise, lol. Although I will certainly admit that group activities only certainly lowers the change of accidental pregnancy 😄 (and I do know you didn't say that you banned them) 

 

 

[Katy]

4 years, no way.  But 2-3 years, and given that the state we live in's consent laws are such that it wouldn't be illegal... I would invite him over to our house to hang out a lot and get to know him.  I would think I'd figure out pretty quickly what his intentions were and ask DD what she thought of various behaviors he'd displayed. That's pretty much how my mom ran guys off.  Complimented him, then asked how we felt about specific red flags she'd noticed.

[Storygirl]

Thanks for the discussion so far. I'm going to let the comments keep rolling before (maybe) adding more personal details. But I will say a few things.

Edited for privacy

Edited December 5, 2022 by Storygirl

[katilac]

9 minutes ago, Alice said:

 I think regardless, if I was one of the parents, I’d probably talk to my kid about potential issues but I wouldn’t forbid it. I’m firmly of the belief that since you can’t forbid feelings (or as many people point out...you can’t forbid them seeing each other at school or even other places unless you are keeping your teen in a bubble) I’d rather the teens be open about it and feel like they can come to me if there is an issue. 

Yep, especially to the bolded. It's very hard to keep your teen from from having a boyfriend or girlfriend, but it's very easy to keep them from talking to you about it. 

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Well, she told me it was consensual.  Doesn't matter because she was 15.  Of course, I am sure it had nothing to do with the fact that she was white and he was black. ( I hope you can hear the sarcasm in my voice.)

"she told me it was consensual" paints a very differen picture from knowing it was consensual because "I saw the girl going after him" 

The first one is a fact, although that fact is merely that she told you it was consensual, not that it actually was. 

A girl "going after" a guy is much more subjective, and the words have negative connotations (whether you intended them that way or not). For girls, of course, not boys. When we talk about women and sex, it's really easy to slip into old-fashioned wording that will be seen by many as negative or shaming, or that simply  implies that a woman or girl should have less interest or autonomy in a romantic and/or sexual relationship. 

What do we mean when we say "I saw the girl going after him"? Factually, most of us mean we saw the girl display display open romantic interest and perhaps act on it, in the form of hanging around him or being the one to ask him out. We obviously don't mean that we saw them have consensual sex! But that assumption is there: you knew the sex was consensual because you knew she pursued a relationship with him. 

Consent is important enough to be careful with our wording. I'm definitely not saying I don't make similar mistakes, I just think the implications behind this particular wording are interesting and worth thinking about (and trying to avoid). 

[mom2scouts]

We were in a similar situation except our son was the younger party. We thought the girl would go away to college and that would be the end of the relationship. We were wrong. They've been married for a 8 years now and are the parents of our only grandchild.

[TexasProud]

7 minutes ago, katilac said:

Yep, especially to the bolded. It's very hard to keep your teen from from having a boyfriend or girlfriend, but it's very easy to keep them from talking to you about it. 

"she told me it was consensual" paints a very differen picture from knowing it was consensual because "I saw the girl going after him" 

The first one is a fact, although that fact is merely that she told you it was consensual, not that it actually was. 

A girl "going after" a guy is much more subjective, and the words have negative connotations (whether you intended them that way or not). For girls, of course, not boys. When we talk about women and sex, it's really easy to slip into old-fashioned wording that will be seen by many as negative or shaming, or that simply  implies that a woman or girl should have less interest or autonomy in a romantic and/or sexual relationship. 

What do we mean when we say "I saw the girl going after him"? Factually, most of us mean we saw the girl display display open romantic interest and perhaps act on it, in the form of hanging around him or being the one to ask him out. We obviously don't mean that we saw them have consensual sex! But that assumption is there: you knew the sex was consensual because you knew she pursued a relationship with him. 

Consent is important enough to be careful with our wording. I'm definitely not saying I don't make similar mistakes, I just think the implications behind this particular wording are interesting and worth thinking about (and trying to avoid). 

I am so sick of political correctness. I kind of hope my boys never date.  It is a horrible minfield. And yes, I have a daughter. Bowing out now. 

[Catwoman]

12 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

Thanks for the discussion so far. I'm going to let the comments keep rolling before (maybe) adding more personal details. But I will say a few things.

We are the parents of the 18 year old boy in question, and that he is not the type of guy to listen to reasoning. My primary concern is the well being of my own kid, but I'm also concerned with protecting the girl. We have a lot of reasons to be concerned that I won't necessarily outline (to respect DS's privacy) but that weigh very, very heavily. I have reason to suspect that the girl's parents may be more comfortable with the situation than we are. This is a very new development (less than a week), and other than the times they see each other at school and school events, they have not been meeting in person but are heavily involved already over testing/social media.

I have been reading this thread and I kept thinking that I would be far more concerned if I was the parent of the 18yo boy, because if the relationship ends badly, a vindictive 15yo girl could get an 18yo young man into a lot of trouble if there are statutory rape laws on the books in your state and the age of consent is 16 or older. 

I'm not saying she would do anything like that, but in your situation, as the parent of the 18yo, I can absolutely understand your concerns!

[prairiewindmomma]

30 minutes ago, katilac said:

22 before dating? I think that's fine if you're not interested and don't want to date, but I find it hard to picture many young people not dating AT ALL throughout all of high school and college. I don't think it's a bad thing if they don't have the interest, but I don't think it's a great thing to really push in the late teen/young adult phase. 

Maybe it's hard to ban a serious relationship when teens are dating, but it's also quite hard to ban a serious relationship when teens are not dating. If teens have the chance to see and/or talk to each other pretty regularly, they can develop a serious relationship even if they only do group activities and never a stereotypical 'date.'

Being banned from dating or having a boyfriend/girlfriend can actually add quite a bit more excitement to it than otherwise, lol. Although I will certainly admit that group activities only certainly lowers the change of accidental pregnancy 😄 (and I do know you didn't say that you banned them) 

 

 

Please re-read what I wrote: I advise no dating before 16, no serious relationship before 18. I advise not partnering up until after undergrad.

I don’t actually ban anything, but my kids know I don’t  support it either. I have probably lucked out with my older kids in that they are of the same mindset. Youngest may surprise me and give me a run for my money, but she was born with the personality of a cranky 80 year old lady so I am less concerned about her decision making.