Good/ enjoyable parent and adult-child relationship. Do you have one?

[pinkmint]

I want to believe this is possible. 

 

Do you have a good and enjoyable relationship with your parents and/ or adult children? I have little to no personal experience with this. But in trying to change the pattern I am making choices that reflect my huge commitment to my children. This is not without sacrifice of course, and when I read some of another thread on here about how parenting adult children is the hardest and most painful, it fills me with a sort of dread. 

 

Is it basically a pipe dream to have some sort of payoff in parenting when they grow up? Is it pain and sacrifice all the way through? They make you sleep deprived and frazzled when they're babies/ toddlers, and then just grow up to break your heart constantly? It's depressing. I know there are no guarantees. But I want to hear that a good parent to adult-child relationship is possible. 

[MFG]

I think I have good relationships with my adult children. To me the key is viewing them as fellow adults, not as grown up children. I try to treat them with the respect I would want from another adult. They do not also make the same choices that I would, but that is their prerogative and not my place to meddle. I try to keep my thoughts and advice to myself unless it is requested.

[SKL]

Yes.  My parents have 6 kids, and all of us (and the in-laws) are close to both parents and to each other.  We are all there for each other.  We can all talk to each other without needing to come back and post on WTM about it, most of the time.  :P  (I've had a couple of incidents that made it on here. ;))

 

I'm not exactly sure what my parents did to make this happen.  They basically act like they "like" us, want to see our side, support us emotionally through the tough times.  They have been obviously proud of our accomplishments.  Though poor, they have helped my siblings out in various ways to get past temporary difficulties.

 

My parents sacrificed for us as kids, but we didn't realize it at the time.  They almost never "went out" together or bought "stuff" for themselves (other than work clothes); my dad drove a used work vehicle and my mom took the bus to work every day; but they sent us to Lutheran schools when we lived in a city with a poor public school system.  They supported us by procuring used musical instruments and a few other things which were totallly optional.  They spent time with us to teach us both how to survive and how to enjoy life - even when it wasn't necessarily fun for them (example: my mom and primitive camping, LOL).

 

And humor.  Never underestimate the value of a good sense of humor.  It is soul food when there isn't much else to consume.  :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I had a good relationship with my dad before he passed away due to establishing some good boundaries.  My dad was a difficult person who came from an abusive background.  He broke the cycle of abuse in many ways but he was still difficult.  I have a good relationship with my mom who is still with us (she's 91).  She can be annoying and I can be annoying but we have a good relationship.

 

I have a good relationship with my 18 year old son.  He can be annoying and (as I mentioned) I can be annoying, but we know how to give each other space at times and apologize when necessary.  I have boundaries on what I mess with in his life that seem to give him space to live his own life and make his own choices.  He is still finishing high school and lives at home so those boundaries will change as he gets older and totally launches.  Things could be more difficult if he made worst choices and we've gone through some times when he was making some bad choices when he was younger.  That's the part that I see as a crapshoot to some degree.  We can't make other people's choices for them. 

[Pawz4me]

I had a very good relationship with my parents, and DH was the same with his parents.  I hope to have an equally good relationship with our kids when they're adults.  DS20 just texted that he's coming home for the weekend (from college, about a 75 minute drive away).  I guess him choosing to come home for the weekend when I don't think he needs money or anything is a good sign. ;)  And so far DS17 seems pretty content when he's hanging out with us. :)

Edited February 19, 2016 by Pawz4me

[SKL]

My own kids are 9, but I think we enjoy each other most of the time, and I think the seeds of a good relationship are being planted.  At least I hope so.

[Mothersweets]

I have very good relationships with my children - seven of them are 18 and older. It was difficult for me when they were all little, but they are all lovely, interesting, fun people to be around and I couldn't imagine having a poor relationship with any of them.

 

I also agree with what MFG said about treating them as fellow adults and not children - I hated it when my dad would treat me like that and it certainly affected my relationship with him as an adult.

[Anne]

I have a good relationship with my parents and dh & I had a good relationship with his mom before she died.

 

We have great relationships with my adult kids and the one son-in-law that I have thus far.

 

Are these relationships perfect? Absolutely not! Are there sometimes problems or rocky moments? Absolutely!

 

But overall, things are good. We enjoy getting together frequently and talk often.

 

I am grateful!

 

Anne

[bolt.]

My parents are good and kind, and I am good and kind. We get along and love each other in a warm but not sappy way. We occasionally run each other the wrong way, but tend to just overlook it. We tend to be cool and act a little like 'polite society' to one another, because good manners cover over a multitude of potential issues. They adore their grandkids.

 

My in laws are good and kind, and so is my husband. They get along and love each other in slightly strained ways. My in laws wish there was more sap in the world, and tend to expect more attention and sense-of-duty than they always receive from their son. They adore their grandkids, but something about whatever they are (maybe) not receiving enough of from our family seems to make (primarily MIL) sad.

Edited February 19, 2016 by bolt.

[Carrie12345]

I have a good relationship with my mother.  Sure, we've had some rough patches, but nothing that's destroyed our love.  I enjoy her. I like to think she enjoys me, lol.

[JustEm]

I am the youngest of 7 and we all have a fantastic relationship with our parents even though we are all very different from one another. Our house growing up was filled with love and understanding. We rarely argued with our parents because they were open to listening and allowing us to make choices they wouldn't pick for us if they wanted to play the parent card. I think this is one reason everyone has a good relationship with them. The only time anyone had an awful relationship was when my parents had to really enforce strict rules for their safety. But that sibling got help for mental issues and has spent adulthood with a good relationship with them.

 

My mom worries constantly about her adult children because they are now into parenthood and she knows how hard that is. My dad isn't a worrier so I think having adult children is easy for him.

[OneStepAtATime]

My dad and I had some rough patches but we still cared deeply for each other and it hurt when he passed away.  He could be a bit overbearing and we were too much alike in some ways and too different in others to always get along.  We butted heads a lot.  Still, he mattered very much to me and I to him.  We were honest with each other as adults and I learned a lot from those very frank conversations.  I miss him.

 

My mom and I are very close.  She is my staunchest ally.  Do we get irritated with each other?  Of course.  We are still close and we still love each other.  Part of that is compatible personalities but part of that is also all the hard work she put into being my mom.  I realize that now.  I did not as a kid.  She showed me respect, she tried not to be controlling while still setting healthy boundaries, she listened, she gave me space, she gave me hugs, she wanted to know me for me not for who she thought I should be or as an extension of herself, and she gave me support without being overbearing.  I deeply respect her and admire her.   I cannot image what my life would be without her.

[Sarah CB]

I've got a great relationship with my mom and a good, but distant, relationship with my dad.

 

I am really enjoying my relationship with my 20 year old daughter.  She was a pretty good teen, though things were a little rough from 15 to 17.  She's much nicer now ;)

[SparklyUnicorn]

I have a good relationship with my dad.  I did with my mother too, but she passed away when I was 28.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

I have a good relationship with my parents, my step-dad and my newly adult children who still live with us.

 

I don't view my children as an extension of myself, I see them as different individual adults and treat them as such. That means they make their own decisions and deal with the consequences of those decisions themselves. If I think they're doing the wrong thing I say so once and leave it alone.  But then, I'm of the conviction that consequences are the best teacher and that pain can be instructive.  I don't feel the need to control my kids in childhood and young adulthood so they avoid every mistake and protect them from all emotional pain that comes from consequences. In other words, I don't distort reality for my kids.  I speak the truth in love and support and encourage them through reality whether it's pretty or ugly. 

 

[Anne in CA]

I don't have a great relationship with either of my parents, but it's because they are not functional people. One of my adult children has damaged our relationship, she doesn't want to be functional or grow as a person. She is a selfish eleven year old in many aspects and she likes it that way. My other adult child and I have a good relationship, but he is a functional person, with a good job, nice friends, and he is self sufficient. I think it has a lot to do with people being the same level of functionality. If your kids grow up to be good people who take care of themselves you can probably have a great relationship with them.

[Gil]

I hope to have a good relationship with my kids when they are adults. I hope that I'm planting the seeds for such a relationship now, but only time will tell.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Gil

[Joules]

I had a great relationship with my mom before she passed.  She was my best friend (besides dh) for 20 years.  She respected my decisions, stopped trying to be my parent, and was a great friend.

 

Ds is 18 now, and we are close.  It's a stressful time with college looming, and I have to keep remembering to step back because he is an adult now.  He plans to live at home for at least his first year of college, so I would say most of our issues now are more roommate type things.  

 

Respect is probably the number one key to keeping things good: Respect for decisions, space, time, feelings, and each others' needs.  

 

Second would be compromise in my opinion:  I think it was one of the advice columnists said about marriage that each spouse should give in about 75% of the time (because 50% always feels like at least 75%!).  I think the same would be true for adult children, particularly those you live with.  I don't consider myself having the upper hand in the relationship because I am the parent.  (My mother lived with us for years before she passed, so I've experienced the roommate thing from that side, too.)

[kroe1]

Yes, even bad parents and yucky teenagers can have great relationships later on.

 

The rules change. One must have common interests just like real friends. In addition, having a history together is a bonus. As a parent of an adult child, the hardest part for me is learning to keep my mouth shut. As long as I can comply, the rest is simple.

[amy g.]

I was close to my dad before he died. In his last years, he would drive over and spend the night at least once a week. I do not have contact with my mom. Both of my in laws have passed away, but they had healthy relationships with all of their children.

 

I'm close to my adult children, but that closeness means I let them call the shots about how much time we spend together. I know that to fully become their own people, they are going to need some space from me.

 

My son has been on his own and supporting himself for over a year. Once a week, I'll text and say, "Let me know if you want to meet for dinner after work." Sometimes we do, and sometimes we don't, but I make sure that he knows it is all good with me.

 

I know his personality. Giving him space and privacy equals showing love to him. Every once in a while I get a text saying how much he loves me and appreciates my sacrifices and could never stand to disappoint me. Those are cherished so much more because I know they are freely given with no expectation from me.

 

I have a good relationship with my oldest, but it is much more intense. My sister won't play Pictionary with us because she says we share a brain. I draw a dot and Dd correctly guesses "Kansas!" She draws a line and I correctly call out "Covered wagon!"

 

My oldest and I are very different but also very compatible. We have been collaborating on projects for over 20 years now. I always feel bad when I hear about how we shouldn't be best friends with our kids. Whoops. I missed that one!

 

My middle daughter is like me in personality. I tend to be harder on her than the others because of that. She is also the easy child, so her needs often get overlooked while I'm putting out fires with my squeaky-wheel kids. I've always known that I'm not as good of a mother to her as I am to my difficult kids. Fortunately she has always had a super close relationship with Dh. Hopefully that will make up for my weak areas.

 

It is also complicated by the fact that at 17 she isn't an adult so I have to walk the line of respect and still parenting and setting limits. I'm pretty sure our relationship will come through alright in the end in part because I tell her that I see my weak areas and my failings and I'm not justifying myself and making excuses.

 

I think good parent/adult child relationships are very possible, not to mention rewarding. They make all the parenting years worthwhile.

[Guest]

I want to believe this is possible. 

 

Is it basically a pipe dream to have some sort of payoff in parenting when they grow up? Is it pain and sacrifice all the way through? They make you sleep deprived and frazzled when they're babies/ toddlers, and then just grow up to break your heart constantly? It's depressing. I know there are no guarantees. But I want to hear that a good parent to adult-child relationship is possible. 

 

My MIL is very close to my husband, her daughter, and me!

 

It's totally possible. If I am comparing what she did differently than some other parents I know that do not have such a great relationship with their grown children (ahem)... She never tried to get her kids to live HER dreams for her. She never asked her children (by her actions) to be the adult in the relationship (even now  that they ARE adults)...IOW she never made them responsible for er emotional well-being. She let them come to her with their ugly feelings, and did not reject them because of those ugly feelings. She never pretended to have all the answers; when all she had to offer was moral support, she did so liberally. She did not put them second to romantic relationships.

 

And--this is important in my personal experience--she did NOT, when her children were teenagers, abandon them to their own judgement. IOW, she continued to actively parent her teens instead of becoming either intimidated by them or irritated to the point of walking away with them.

[AmandaVT]

I have good relationships with my parents. When we've hit rough patches it's been when my mom has viewed me as an extension of her and expected my choices to be the same as hers. With my dad, it's been when he tried to get me to reconcile their marriage before they divorced.

 

Our relationships got a lot easier when I got to an age/maturity level where I looked at them as human beings instead of parents if that makes sense. Understanding that they did their best while raising us, but no human is perfect and that they don't know all the answers always and have human emotions like everyone else. Basically, once I got them off a "parent pedestal". My younger brother still has those unrealistic expectations for them and his relationship with both is rockier. 

 

I hope that DS and I will continue to have a good relationship as he gets older. Right now, we enjoy each others company and I hope that continues.

[Lady Florida.]

To me the key is viewing them as fellow adults, not as grown up children.

 

I had a somewhat difficult relationship with my mother, and I think it was because of the above. I loved her and miss her terribly, but will admit that we had problems sometimes. The same was true for my brother. She did, I believe, see us as her grown up children.  Overall it was good, but had its rough moments.

 

Dh has a good relationship with his father, and had the same with his mother before she died. They follow the above way of viewing their children as adults.

 

We have a good relationship with dss. We don't offer unsolicited advice. We don't tell them how to raise their children. We enjoy each other's company as adults and also enjoy the family connection (when your Daddy was little he... :D ).

 

Ds is 18, and while we had a few rough teen years (as we did with dss), things are moving to an adult relationship. It's not fully there yet, but I can see it coming.

[Night Elf]

I have always had a good relationship with my children, the entire time they were growing up. I can think of one episode when my oldest dd was a teen and I got mad at her. Otherwise, I can truly say I've never been mad at any other times. Maybe I'm lucky? Personally, I think it's because of the way I have been raising them. My parenting philosophy is that of radical unschooling. I've always allowed them to be themselves and let them make most decisions on their own, and they've mostly done a good job. My oldest dd and I have a great relationship. She texts me often just to say she loves me or is thinking of me. I text her the same things. My ds is a joy and we're close too. He confides in me about a great many things. And my youngest dd and I love being together. I'll say she's been the only one to slightly pull away because her friends became important in her life and she's always been so independent. But she still confides in me for some things. I treasure my relationships with all of my children and hope we'll always have a great relationship.

 

As for me and my mom (my dad passed away), we're really close. I live over an hour away so I don't see her much but we talk on the phone almost every day, usually for a couple of hours. I like to say we talk about anything and nothing. We just chat. I know she has some mental health problems but she has never shown that side of herself to me, only to my sister. My mom expects to live with me if her husband dies and I'm kind of worried about that. I don't know how she'll be with me when she's with me 24/7. But I hope I can help her for the rest of her life. I love my mother tremendously and will be devastated when she passes away.

[Nan in Mass]

Good relationships here, all around.  My parents and their children (including me) and my husband and I and our adult children all have great relationships.  The heartbreaking part isn't that they break your heart (that part comes in their teens) but that your heart breaks for them when bad things happen to them.  I think it is too late and you are probably too attached to get out of that part now, no matter what happens, so don't worry about it.  Instead, I'd worry about how to build a good adult relationship - a home that is a safe retreat from the hurtful or stressful things in the world, good helpful communication habits (as opposed to bad burdensome ones), switching from being critical and judgmental to being supportive, having faith in your children's ability to make the choices that are right for them, finding adult things you all like to do together (really important or you won't want to spend the time together that it takes to maintain and build the relationship), finding ways to help each other, and all that.  My mother told me to pretend my children were friends rather than children for awhile, until the adult/adult relationship had gelled and we were well away from the adult/child stage.  The support you can get from adult children is fantastic.  Instead of the flow of help and support going from parent to child, it starts going both ways and swirling all over the family.  They begin helping their siblings, too.  A cool older sibling can easily nip many teen problems in the bud in a way that would be almost impossible for a parent to do.  The twenties are hard because so many life firsts tend to happen then and the child isn't always wise or experienced enough to stay out of trouble, making the chance of heartbreak really high.

 

Nan

 

ETA - One thing we had to do with each of our sons as the adult/adult relationship was developing was to remind them that we knew how to do this, that in fact, we were GOOD at it, that we had great relationships with our own parents and knew what to do and not do.  This conversation happened when they were at the stage when they were feeling that they had changed and needed different things from us now, more advice on how to do things (like buy a car) and less guidance on how to behave or on what is good and bad.  They needed to know that things were going to change and that we knew how to change and that everything was going to be just fine.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Nan in Mass

[StaceyinLA]

I had a pretty good relationship with my mother even though she had me later in life and I think we definitely had a few obstacles due to the generation gap. She was a good mom and always supportive of my choices and decisions, wonderful to my kids, etc., but I never had a close "friendship type thing with her."

 

I have a great relationship with all of my adult children except the one whose personality clashes with mine. I'd say we still have a good relationship, but I don't enjoy spending free time with her as much as the others because we have much less in common.

 

The main difference I see between my relationship with my kids and mine with my mom is that I've always had very open and honest communication with my kids. My mom was raised at a time where I don't think it was the norm to be that way. Of course the age gap is much smaller with my kids. 

Edited February 19, 2016 by StaceyinLA

[KungFuPanda]

I enjoy hanging out with my mother, grandmother, AND daughter (19). I get along with most people and they're not difficult, so it's nice when we can make it happen. I enjoy my MIL most of the time, but she has a trickier personality and it's more work on my part.

[Mama Geek]

I have a good relationship with my mom even though she can get on my nerves.  Usually that happens towards the end of the week when she comes to stay with us for a week or we visit her for that long.

[myfunnybunch]

Hugs.

 

It is possible. :)

 

I was not a perfect parent, but I tried really hard to meet everyone's needs and foster good relationships, even with the blended family issues we had. My eldest, my stepdd, struggled with lots of stuff around her mom and our relationship. My second dd struggled with anxiety and depression as a teen, and it impacted her behavior significantly. I was worried we would have no relationship at all with either of them, but I kept doing the very best I could to be patient and loving and set boundaries about acceptable behavior in relationships. Today, dd1 is married and so happy. We have a good relationship. :) Dd2 has a little boy and she calls me daily. We have a good relationship also. :)

 

My own parents are good models when it comes to being respectful and supportive of my sisters and I as adults. Their very different examples have really helped me to make the transition to parenting young adults.

 

I think from a previous thread that you've not had a good model for this transition yourself. But your desire to do things differently, and your ability to recognize unhealthy and healthy behaviors and set good boundaries is going to serve you well when it comes to developing healthy and supportive relationships with your children as they move into adulthood. :)

[pinkmint]

Thanks so much, all. I know I may be getting ahead of myself with my oldest being 7 years old and all. But it's how I am to ponder the big picture and let it motivate me.

 

I would be crushed if my kids had the type of relationship I have with each of my parents. And trust me I'm not trying to blame them for everything. It's just messy, fractured relationships for many reasons.

 

For example my mom kinda stopped parenting when she left my dad when I was a young child. It's hard to respect someone who you grew up listening to having drunk / high sex with boyfriends while you were trying to go to sleep as a child.

 

Stuff like that.

 

I want to be someone my kids can respect and admire. I want to parent them when necessary and befriend them when necessary. It's a lot of work and sobering to think of the vulnerability involved.

[3 ladybugs]

I have great relationship with both my mom, dad, as well as my ex-step father and step father and my maternal grandmother. I would include my step mother in there too but I don't talk to her often.

 

What happen to me is that once I got to a certain age, my parents and I sort of got each other. I talk to my bio parents at least 3-8 times a week despite my father living in Oregon, my mother living in Florida, and I living in New Jersey. At different times in my life, I have acted like their parents (rightly so if you ask me) so I think that helps too. It wasn't easy but I love that I can call either up and bounce things off of them. The other day I called my dad just to tell him my youngest had gas like him (my father is known for his gas). LOL

 

Relationships take work. They are not easy especially when there is distance involved (I clearly have that). However once you get to this point it really isn't that hard. It is just the building up that his hard, maintaining (at least for me) is the easy part. 

[Meriwether]

My siblings and I adore my parents and they would do just about anything for us kids. My grown nieces and nephews have wonderful, close, loving relationships with their parents.

[Nan in Mass]

Thanks so much, all. I know I may be getting ahead of myself with my oldest being 7 years old and all. But it's how I am to ponder the big picture and let it motivate me.

 

I would be crushed if my kids had the type of relationship I have with each of my parents. And trust me I'm not trying to blame them for everything. It's just messy, fractured relationships for many reasons.

 

For example my mom kinda stopped parenting when she left my dad when I was a young child. It's hard to respect someone who you grew up listening to having drunk / high sex with boyfriends while you were trying to go to sleep as a child.

 

Stuff like that.

 

I want to be someone my kids can respect and admire. I want to parent them when necessary and befriend them when necessary. It's a lot of work and sobering to think of the vulnerability involved.

 

So... maybe think about what it takes to be someone that is admired?  Honesty is at the top of the list in my family.  We avoided a ton of teenage problems by being honest and making sure our lives matched what we were preaching.  This is incredibly hard as your children start to get more noticing, especially as teenagers.  If you tell them they can't drink and drive, then you better not drive when you've been drinking, for example.  You have to be admirable. You don't have to be perfect (perfectionism isn't good), but you have to be honest about your faults and your faults need to be small ones.  Small faults allow you to show your children how to overcome difficulties and forgive themselves and others.  You can't have faults that will invalidate what you are telling them about life or make them feel safe or not have confidence in you.  The good part is that this doesn't depend on what is inflicted on you from the outside, but on what you yourself are doing and who you grow into as they grow.  It is something that you CAN control, unlike a ton of other things in life.

 

Nan

[regentrude]

I have a very good relationship with my own parents, and also with my teens. I am expecting to continue to have a great relationship with them when they are grown-ups. My sister has a good relationship with both our parents and her adult daughter.

I see this modeled as pretty much the default in my circle of friends and consider it normal.

 

ETA: aside from the sleep deprivation in the baby phase, I have never experienced parenting as pain and suffering or heart break. I am thoroughly enjoying my almost 17 and 19 year old. My DD calls from college every day to chat with me. My kids actually like me and their dad.

Edited February 19, 2016 by regentrude

[Garga]

My dh gets along great with his parents. I don't as much because we're just such opposite people that we don't really understand each other. None of us are mean or petty toward each other. We just sit there without anything to say. But my DH has plenty to say to them and he gets along with them great.

 

My own parents are odd ducks. Nice people, yet very, very quirky. As an adult, I can see that my dad may have high functioning autism or ADD or a social anxiety issue. Something's going on there. So, when we're together we all get along great...but they chose to move far away from me and I'm not sure why. I have a feeling they were mad at me about something, but when I ask they flat out say, "We will not talk about it." So...I don't know what happened. But when we talk, everything is fine and they say kind things to me. They never yell or argue with me. We laugh a lot.

 

While I've seen friends of mine who do not get along with their parents, I've also seen friends who call their parents every day (these are people in their 30s and 40s.). I've seen people whose parents are their dearest friends.

 

There is hope. I can't say for sure what makes it work, but it can be done. From what I've seen with the people who get along great with their parents:

 

It's a matter of not treating your kids like they're idiots. I have friends who say things like, "I can't wait until the kids are gone," directly to their kids. They've told this to their kids since the kids were about 5 up through their teens. I don't need a crystal ball to know they will have a poor adult relationship with their kids. They act like their kids are not as human as adults are, simply because they're kids. They say things like, "Well, kids are dumb like that," and have very low expectations that their kids aren't utter morons.

 

The people who have the best relationships seem to have parents who treated them as grown up as was possible as the kids grew and matured. They didn't treat their pre-teens like 5 year olds, they didn't treat their teens like tweens, and they don't treat their 20-year old kids like they're teens. They treated their kids appropriately for their ages--they met them at their maturity level and didn't treat them like they "just a dumb kid."

 

The woman who calls her mom every day came from a poor background and the mom treated her kids like equals as they fixed up the house together, repaired the car together, learned how to cook cheap meals together, etc. They were partners. She still parented them, but there was a sense of respect she had toward them that they were capable human beings.

 

My in-laws have never given a hint that they looked down on us. I got married at 19 and they treated me like a fully formed adult from the first time we met. They've never dismissed me as too young. Same with my own quirky parents. Same thing with my other friend whose parents are her best friends--they worked together on cleaning the house and learning new things. They treated their kids like kids, and yet had an element of partnership and respect toward the child/teen in it. That element grew as the children grew until by the time the kids were 18, the kids were treated as capable adults.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Garga

[Guest]

I would not call my oldest "fully adult" yet, because she is in college and is still dependant upon us, but so far, we have quite a good relationship. It has become a largely friendship-like relationship and we interact more like two women who have common interests than we do parent-child. She doesn't need much correction or steering, beyond what I would be likely to give to any friend who needed advice about how best to do something. I do feel like I really got the payoff for raising someone I am pleased to know.

 

However, the older I get, the less I think it has to do with any so-called good parenting on my behalf; I don't necessarily think it was because I homeschooled or because I read to her every night before bed, or because I fed her wholesome homemade and homegrown food throughout childhood, KWIM? I think a lot of it is just that we are similar people and I like her. She enjoys things that I enjoy and we can relate around books, foods, philosophies, tv shows, travel, etc. i was missing her last week because I overheard someone talking about a sushi restaurant we have been to together - she is my only "sushi buddy" and I have not had another opportunity to go have sushi at that restaurant since she's been off at school.

[PrincessMommy]

I get along with all my adult kids.   I have to let them be adults and makes decisions I may not like or agree with.   I don't see all my kids equally, of course.  Some we talk more often than others.  This is especially true comparing my sons with my daughters.

 

I did not have a very close relationship with my mom.  I was determined to make a difference with my own kids.   I hope I have succeeded, but like I said in another thread - a lot can depend on who they may marry.  I know of families that have been torn apart because one child married someone who was very difficult (in one instance the new spouse treated a younger sibling -a minor-  terribly).   But, I also know parents who refused to try to get along with their children's spouses and created the distance themselves.   Of course, now they lament that they have no relationship with their grandkids, but they don't seem to see how they played a part in that.  :confused1:      Getting a long with our adult children is a two-way street. 

 

 

[Laura Corin]

My mum is staying with us right now - she's 91 and has lived alone for 35 years.

 

We've had some rocky patches in the past - I went overseas at 22 and came back a different person at 45 - but we are having fun: I get her to talk about the past; she is intensely curious about the 'modern world' (Microwaves!  My online 'penfriends'! Internet grocery shopping!  Breadmakers!).  

 

We've had to have some difficult conversations (the latest one being about different hygiene perceptions) but we both value each other's intelligence and lack of bs.  She's not everyone's cup of tea (nor am I) but we understand each other, I think.

 

'Calvin' and I are very alike.  I have to be careful not to take over his life but he appreciates that I make the effort.  There's a lot of love and we trust each other.

Edited February 19, 2016 by Laura Corin

[gingersmom]

I have an amazing relationship with my teen /young adult children.

 

My mother and I have had a strained relationship since birth.

 

She doesn't have the best relationship with either of my brothers but they are more forgiving then I am. Only 1 brother lives even remotely close to her.

 

I adored my grandmother and loved spending time with her. My mother and her on the other hand never got along and argued about anything and everything.

Edited February 19, 2016 by gingersmom

[Guest]

I have a great relationship with my parents now and a good one with both step parents. This is after periods of multiple years of no contact and major issues to surmount. Some time away, maturity, me forgiving them even when they were too prideful to admit any wrongdoing, and understanding how totally flawed parents are? Those were the tricks.

[gardenmom5]

I want to believe this is possible. 

 

Do you have a good and enjoyable relationship with your parents and/ or adult children? I have little to no personal experience with this. But in trying to change the pattern I am making choices that reflect my huge commitment to my children. This is not without sacrifice of course, and when I read some of another thread on here about how parenting adult children is the hardest and most painful, it fills me with a sort of dread. 

 

Is it basically a pipe dream to have some sort of payoff in parenting when they grow up? Is it pain and sacrifice all the way through? They make you sleep deprived and frazzled when they're babies/ toddlers, and then just grow up to break your heart constantly? It's depressing. I know there are no guarantees. But I want to hear that a good parent to adult-child relationship is possible. 

 

I read what you wrote on the other thread, so I think I know where you're coming from.

 

yes - you can have a good relationship with your own adult kids, even if it has not been possible to have a good relationship with  your own parents.  (my father, and dh's father both died before we were 20.  his mother eventually remarried, but had no part of dh's life.) 

 

I came from that - four of my kids are now adults, three of them live on their own.  (well, one's a student and lives with his independent sister.)  I don't have an identical relationship with each of them - but the relationships are good to very good.  I have one who has commented repeatedly - "at least my kids will have at least one set of good grandparents".  my son-in-law finally settled on calling me mom, and refers to himself as my son.  (I made no preference for what to call me.  I wanted it left up to that with which he was comfortable.  and . . . apparently, from what he's said, he has an "interesting" family. .  .after meeting them on a few occasions, dd - who is one of the easist going people on the planet, agreed. they're "interesting".)

 

I really want to be that mom that is supportive in her children's good choices (even if that means moving 1/2 way across the country . . . . . ).  I raised my kids to be independent adults - and to respect their own good choices.

 

I was able to have a tolerable relationship with my mother - but I had to erect and enforce boundaries. which she'd challenge.  and she would still leave me smh at times.   I never felt like she was "my mother".  (from the time I was 15, I felt like the parent, and she was the rebellious teenager.)  I have a much more positive and adult relationship with my adult children.  it's on a much higher level.  It is also more satisfying to have the relationship with my own posterity.

[Tsuga]

Yes. I love my mom and my partner's mom and stepdad. I even have a decent (but controlled) relationship with my NPD father. 

 

My mom isn't perfect. She's super sensitive. She can be super emotional--more so than me and that's saying a lot. I am less perfect.

 

I think what makes it work is that she is always willing to listen and I'm learning from that... slowly. The fact that she was a listener and let go in the teen years but always made an effort to stay in touch, with very little in return during my 20s, made a difference, and the fact that our whole family is mostly decent people.

 

Not "normal". Not perfect. But basically trying and your an tell most of the time. And that's good enough.

 

We also make up after arguments. When I was staying in the US with the littles while my ex-H was abroad, she was getting a little controlling. We got into an argument about letting the two-year-old cry so the baby could sleep. It was really hard but finally I came back and said, "I need you to let me do this," and she did. She apologized for getting so uptight and I apologized for getting angry. She had grabbed the two-year-old when I was telling her to go to bed in a loud voice--not my best moment--and said, "That's enough!" I freaked out, rightly so I think, and said, you go for it, I'm taking a walk. That was I believe our worst moment ever.

 

 But she also participates very actively and positively in the kids' lives and she is a kind person. It came from both our desire to make the best life possible for the next generation. And we share those values so it makes everything else, all the silly little things, just disappear.

 

Not expecting perfection, willingness to see our own foibles, willingness to eat crow and step back. I think that's what my family has going for it.

 

She is a GREAT grandma, she takes the kids for weekends, she is helping us buy a home in the area where my partner is from.

 

I have noticed that in some families everything is swept under the rug. I think that's a tougher line to walk. Some can do it. But some can not. If you can't, be willing to apologize.

 

A lot of extreme stuff gets posted on these boards. And in those cases people say "cut them out". But while I'm quick to set limits, I also think that  not being quick to cut out makes a difference. My mom never cut me out.

 

We are all pretty quirky. I feel like we are warm and comfortable and cheery, personally. Not artificial. But I guess some people would say we are quirky!

[tm919]

I have a great relationship with my parents. I love and respect them, and I can laugh with them and talk to them. My husband has a poor relationship with his parents and says that he actually feels sad when he sees that it could have been better.

 

My kids are young, and one of my greatest insecurities is that I can only go downhill from my relationship with my parents. I think part of it is my older daughter is one of "those" kids who came out of the womb questioning authority... all authority not just me, but it definitely has led to a different relationship than I had with my parents. Sometimes I'm not sure how to have an awesome relationship with her. I do think there are certain combinations of personality types that have to take a totally different path to a strong relationship and I wish I knew which one to take here...

[momacacia]

My mom and I are very great friends!

[AK_Mom4]

I liked my kids when they were little. I like them even better as adults.

 

I still consider myself their greatest cheerleader. I listen to them, sympathize when necessary. They are "good people" and fun to be around. I think respect is important - you need respect your kids as they get older and spread their wings.

[Mom2OandE]

My mom is my best friend and her mom was hers. I pray that the pattern continues with my children. It's especially a blessing because things are truly unbelievable when it comes to MIL.

[T'smom]

My kids are little, but I have a good relationship with my parents. It's not super close because we live far away, but we see them several times a year and there aren't any conflicts or anything ( in fact, my mom was just here to visit for a week- the biggest problem is that no one wants to make a decision, everyone wants everyone else to be happy, no one will just say, what. They. Want.!) My parents are superclose with my sister- she lives 6 blocks from them and my mom babysits a few hours a day. Their relationship with my brother is fine. Their relationship with my mom's parents is good and was also pretty good with my dad's parents who are gone now. His mom was a little passive-aggressive, but nothing major.

On dh's side- we have decent relationships with his parents. They are definitely there for us if we need them. Just a couple weeks ago, they drove an hour at night to pick up my older kids and keep them overnight while I had the youngest at the ER and didn't know when we would be released. Dh was out of town on a business trip. But they do have drama. They are very easily offended and have ridiculous expectations. But it certainly is not as bad as a lot of people describe.

 

ETA: I should add that I had a very tumultuous relationship with my parents as a teen. At the time, I would never have guessed that we would ever get along. I didn't find a full-time job immediately after college and had to move home. They really changed the way they treated me. They didn't try to micromanage me at all- even though I did do a few things they were not happy with, they kept their mouths shut about it. Not that I was doing anything horrible- I was substitute teaching almost every day and working at the library nights/weekends. So, I was busy and productive.

Edited February 20, 2016 by T'smom

[fraidycat]

I have an awesome relationship with my parents. Most of my closest friends/cousins that I can think of also have great relationships with at least one, or both, of their parents. There are a few exceptions where things are a little strained or contact is limited, but in my world there are more good parent/adult child relationships than not. By a fairly wide margin.

 

ETA: My parents both had close relationships with their parents, also. And all their siblings AND my paternal grandmother's siblings. IE: I grew up knowing (not just superficially) all of my aunts/uncles/cousins AND great aunts/uncles and some extended cousins. Family gatherings were big. And loud. :)

Edited February 20, 2016 by fraidycat

[mamiof5]

It is very, very possible. Parenting an adult is not easy, but a good relationship is very possible. We have a good relationship with our oldest (almost 20yr old). Of course there has been ups and downs, and I am sure there will be more, but I pray we always have a good relationship. I have read some of your other comments in other threads, and as I have mentioned... I can relate to some of what you have been through. What has helped immensely? I never knew what type of parent/wife I would be, but I knew what I did not want to be or do as a parent. Trying to steer away from what I knew I didn't want to do has helped to go in a direction that I like. We have more kids, and will keep praying that we can maintain a good relationship with all of them :)

[creekland]

So much can change...

 

I currently have a great relationship with my mom, but a very basic one with my dad.  Yet in my youth I grew up with my dad and despised my mom.  What changed?  Me.  I learned my dad had mental issues and taught me oodles of lies about my mom.  It took me until my college years to figure it out, and until I had kids of my own to respect and understand parenting.  I'm a pretty slow learner.  (sigh)  

 

I missed a ton of years with my mom and I regret all of that.

 

I don't care for my basic relationship with my dad to get any deeper.  He didn't come to either my high school or college graduation or my wedding ('cause I invited mom).  He's super controlling.  That's destroyed his relationship with everyone he's ever gotten close to including two wives.  He has textbook named mental issues.  I'm told he's better when he's on meds, but I'd never know.  He doesn't take them.  I'll talk with him on the phone occasionally and see him once or twice per year for a meal, but that's it.  My mom gets a call at least once per week and I share practically everything with her.  She joins us on many of our trips.  I wish I could make up for lost time.

 

With my own kids (ages in my sig) we have great relationships with our younger two and a more basic one with our oldest.  There are a couple of things causing the difference.  For one, we were harsher with our parenting with our oldest.  I regret every minute of that and wish we'd learned to be more mellow and forgiving sooner.  BUT the three of us had a great relationship when he was still at home.  He changed his thoughts about us when his first girlfriend's mom told him how bad we'd been as parents.  (He accidentally left his e-mail open once while here at home and I read far more than I probably should have, but it explained a LOT - she had pages of e-mails to him - her own folder in his e-mail!)  It's so reminiscent of what my dad did poisoning me against my mom - with quite a few lies involved - that it's scary.

 

My hope with him is that he has kids of his own someday and, like me, can start to see through it all remembering what really happened in his youth rather than the planted memories.

 

Fortunately, he didn't marry that girlfriend...

 

We've been open at sharing it all with our other two boys and they remain super close to us - sharing their hopes/dreams and disappointments as well as everyday life - very similar to the relationship I have with my mom.

 

Things can change throughout life.  We change as we can and do what we can.  I wish you the best in your journey!