If your DH works full time, how much does he participate in household chores?

[38carrots]

Does he do something daily? Weekly? Monthly? What chores?

 

I'm not a good homemaker. I'm not a perfectionist! I enjoy "creative messiness." I always have stuff on my kitchen counter and on the dining table, and I don't mind. I usually leave the dirty dishes in the sink until the next morning, because I prefer to wash them in the morning. DH never criticises, he's okay with everything I do or don't do.

 

Over the years it has evolved into DH not doing pretty much anything. Sometimes he'd wash his coffee cup. But mostly he'd leave his cup and plate on the table and leave the kitchen. Sometimes, after a lot of asking, he'd take the garbage out, but I can't rely on this. Once a month, on a Saturday, he'd maybe fry eggs for the kids for breakfast. He'd mow our lawn 1-2 times a summer. Once or twice a week he'd take a child to an activity.

 

I'd like DH to start contributing to the running of the household by doing some chores, but I'm not sure how to start. What does your DH do at home and how often?

[mathmarm]

Have you spoken to him about this directly?

[Loowit]

A lot of the things DH used to do like taking out the garbage and such have been taken over by the kids.  He does his own laundry most of the time.  He is supposed to clean the bathrooms, but doesn't get around to it often.  And he makes meals on Sunday, so I can have a day off.  The lawn and a lot of home maintenance is his chore most of the time, but this has also been slowly taken over by me and the kids.  He is usually good to put his dishes away when he is done eating.  And every once in a while if I am lucky he will clean off his desk.

[UCF612]

Mine does a lot. He does dishes (he unloads, I load for the most part), laundry, vacuums (when I ask), takes out the trash, and anything extra if I ask. I do a lot of the detail stuff like counters, cleaning the microwave, cleaning bathrooms, organizing, etc.

[Sukale]

He does the yard work, takes car of the cars, and takes out the trash. He also is the only one to take up/bring down stuff from the attic. Once in a while he will give the dog a bath.

 

[Rachel]

He does pretty much all house and vehicle maintenance. He mows the lawn unless he's been traveling a lot and then I do it to help him out. As far as cleaning he regularly helps with laundry and helps with the kitchen most nights. Bathrooms, floors, and dusting he will help with if I ask or if people are coming over. We used to divide things pretty evenly but in the last couple years he has taken on much more responsibility at work so I have taken over more of the household upkeep. The kids are getting big enough to be a real help too so that helps as well.

[creekland]

My guy works from the house when he's not out on a job site, so he's often home more than I am when I'm also working.

 

We don't have set chores.  Someone who is available and who sees a need does them.  The only exception is laundry.  I do 99% of our laundry though he'll help hang things up after drying (or with outdoor drying in the summer) if he's home.

 

We do not keep our house "company clean."  We keep it to our satisfaction.  There's a huge difference in the two, but not anywhere near a Hoarder's level.  I have no desire to spend any great portion of my life dusting or vacuuming or... There are too many other fun things to be doing instead.   :coolgleamA:   We keep dishes and clothes clean + critters fed.  Those are our only more or less regular chores.  ;)

[Wheres Toto]

I would definitely talk to him about it directly.

 

Dh does a lot now because we both work full time but even when I was home with the kids he did quite a bit.  The things that were always "his": cooking dinner (and any other meals he's home for, he would cook breakfast and leave it for me to heat up when I woke up, makes pancakes on the weekends), taking out the garbage, all outside chores, all home repairs.  I did the dishes then but he does them a lot now.  We both take the kids to activities that are "after-school" time.

 

I still do all the laundry and all the general cleaning/straightening. He's not at all picky about the house being messy so never complains but also doesn't really do much in the way of cleaning up.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Where's Toto?

[Guest]

My husband works the equivalent of two jobs - about 60-80 hours a week - among his main employment, small business, and semi-volunteer positions. He takes out the trash, brings down the heavier laundry for me, and will do a load of dishes if he is home. He is also fully responsible for bath time and bed time for the kids each night, and any home maintenance, vehicle, or outdoor chores.

 

I do the cooking, cleaning, decluttering, most of the laundry, school, and getting the kids ready. It's a very good split for us and I don't feel like he doesn't help or do his share. Sometimes I feel overworked because of the sheer volume to do each day but he works his butt off and whenever he is home he helps. I can't complain, he is a wonderful and solicitous husband.

[Spryte]

DH here does every bit as much as I do. He views teaching our kids as my full time job, so we both work full time, in his mind. Prior to moving, he chose to hire and manage weekly cleaners. We moved three months ago and haven't found cleaners, but he does at least half of everything. Maybe more, since he does most cooking. I offset that by doing all laundry. But he does everything else, and I rarely ask.

 

Now, if I could just train DS to keep his stuff picked up...

 

Eta: I should clarify that he also travels quite a bit, so obviously when he's on travel, I do it all. :)

Edited December 15, 2015 by Spryte

[Mergath]

Not much, honestly. But dh works sixty plus hour weeks, and it's hard work both physically and mentally, so he just doesn't have a lot left when he gets home. I wouldn't have a lot of energy either if I had spent the last twelve hours tearing down machines or hauling 100+ lb aluminum lineals. Plus I'm really picky about how things are done, so I don't mind too much. 

[ScoutTN]

I like things neat and clean, as much as possible with four people and a dog in a smallish home. No dishes left in the sink here and no room on my counters for anything not absolutely related to cooking. Clutter drives me crazy. Kids tidy their ooms once a day so that I can walk in there and not step on legos or craft items and so the puppy won't chew up all their toys. EHAP, everything has a place. (Thanks, Mystie!)

 

Dh clears his own dishes and puts them in the dishwasher. He vacuums once a week. He makes our bed almost every day. He takes out the trash if I ask him to. He does his own laundry if I don't have time and will fold other loads if it needs to be done. He fixes stuff and does outside things like mowing the grass and cleaning gutters. He washes the cars. He is generally good about picking up his own stuff and helps the kids to pick up.

 

My kids load/unload the dishwasher, set the table, clear their dishes, clean (sort of) their rooms, dust, sweep, vacuum, feed the dog, are learning to clean the bathrooms, do laundry, take out trash and compost, water plants and weed the garden.

Edited December 15, 2015 by ScoutTN

[Desert Strawberry]

D works fairly long hours, and I don't, so the housework falls on me. He likes a tidy house, and so do I. I've gotten much more efficient over the years. My kids help a lot. 
I don't mean this to sound bad, because it's fine with us. D does what he wants, when he wants. I cook vegetarian/vegan meals. If he wants meat, he buys some and cooks it. If the dishes pile up and he wants to lend a hand, he washes them. We don't have a dish washer, and we have a big family with all home-cooked meals, so this is a bit of a job. If he wants to cook breakfast for the kids, he does that. If he notices that I'm stressed, he will send me to the bath or out to dinner or something and he will prepare a simple dinner. 
I can't think of anything he does regularly besides pay the bills. That's not housework, though. We don't have a lawn to mow. Sagg takes out the trash. The kids mind the dogs and pick up after themselves. I do dishes and laundry. 

[marbel]

My husband is in charge of the things I (or the kids) cannot physically do, or that he just does better.  Which means, basically, the heavy maintenance stuff like yard work (though our son has pretty much taken that over now), cleaning the gutters, powerwashing the house, maintaining the deck, troubleshooting the appliances and electronics, changing the lightbulbs in the ceiling fixtures - which are hard to do and none of the rest of us wants to be the one to break a bulb in the fixture.

 

I am in charge of the day-to-day stuff, some of which I delegate to the kids.  He will help out if necessary but honestly I prefer that he not.  He's competent and willing, but he works a lot of hours at his 1.5 jobs, has a lot of emotional load at his .5 job (part-time pastor) and needs down time after work more than I do. 

 

ETA:  Plus, he's not that great at the day-to-day stuff. (Yeah, I know I said above he is competent and willing. Mostly competent, always willing.)  This afternoon I discovered that the dishwasher had not drained out.  I checked the filter and found nothing wrong.  So I left it for him.  There were a lot of dirty dishes in the sink.  I went out to run a couple of errands, and came back to an empty sink and the dishwasher running.  All fixed!

 

Except that he had left his lunch carrier - with all the dirty containers in it - on the counter. I know the dishwasher is not full (because I know what was dirty when I left) and now I have to hand-wash the containers to use for his lunch tomorrow.   It's not a big deal, and I appreciate that he got the dishwasher going again, and filled it, but it would have been easier overall if he'd just waited till I got home so I could find *all* the dirty things before starting it up.  

 

 

Edited December 15, 2015 by marbel

[FO4UR]

He doesn't.

 

You can't change another person, only your own self.

 

I tried to communicate how I felt about this for years.  He understands.  He simply does not care.  I care.  Actions speak louder than words.  I have moved on from trying to come to an agreement here.  I have been working at carving out some time for my life, drawing boundaries, and building for my own future (instead of merely propping up his).

 

I stopped doing his laundry, and that was a biggie.  If his clothes are thrown in my hamper, I simply sort them back out.  I cook daily, but I cook around MY schedule and the dietary needs of the whole family, not his wishes.  I do NOT spend hours at the stove, ever!  He eats a lot of McD's.  I do not clean his area.  I have an area that is just mine...well mine and the toddlers.  In the last house, he had his own bathroom and it was worse than any gas station dump I've ever seen.  I do not work over-time so that he can have time off.

 

I would feel very differently there was a different attitude or if he worked 80hr weeks to provide.  In the past, I have been very guilty of misplaced generosity.  There is anger that I am not as gullible as I used to be...oh well...

 

Maybe that's too much to share, but it's the truth.  

[The Girls' Mom]

Dh handles the yard and house maintenance stuff.  He doesn't do any housework unless I specifically ask him to do something (rarely).  This came about because for most of our marriage he either worked long hours or traveled a lot.  Now we are rather stuck in our roles...lol.  Things will likely change a bit after the girls move out and I'm working.

[Ali in OR]

All yard work (many hours per weekend probably April/May through November)

Car maintenance

Fixing most anything that is broken

Usually cleans dishes after dinner and gets dishwasher loaded and going

Bathe our disabled dd who I can't safely load into or out of tub

Irons his own shirts when needed (he does a better job than I do as everything I wear is no-iron)

 

This is all the regular stuff he does. He will do other chores on an occasional basis--run a load of laundry, vacuum, pick up house, etc.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Ali in OR

[AurieD]

He probably does more than me, he cares about things being done a certain way a lot more than me though.

[Danestress]

When I was homeschooling and not working, DH still did a lot of hands-on parenting and he did the dishes every night unless he wasn't home until very late. I pretty much told him that if he wasn't going to have time to do dishes, to let me know because in that case we would just eat a sandwich or microwave a leftover. I do not intend to cook and then do all the dishes.

 

He did some yard work too. I did most everything else. The parenting parent seemed a better use of his time to me in the scheme of things.

 

There is a basic level of respect though. I don't consider moving your plate from the table to the sink or counter to be work. It's just basic respect. Hanging a wet towel isn't housework. It's just respectful 'looking after your own stuff." If I had full time servants, I still would not drop my wet towel on the floor or leave my plate on the table.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Danestress

[Mimm]

My husband is a more naturally neat person than me so he rarely makes messes. We have a weekend clean up time and he helps. I started that by announcing that this would be happening, I didn't expect it to take long and I wanted everyone's help. I told him I would like his help and he agreed. He does his own laundry because he's picky about how it's done. He mows, maintains the computers, and helps with our two year old. He helps out here and there wherever needed. He works 40-45 hours a week and works about a 10-15 minute drive from work.

[Gentlemommy]

Pretty much nothing. But, he has been working M-F out of town. He works 12 hour shifts, and comes home in the wee hours of Saturday morning. I want his time at home to be spent with the kids, doing daddy things. And he needs time to rest, take a nap, ect. I get (mostly) a full nights rest, in my own bed. It's a crazy season of life, and I have just resigned myself that this is how it is for now. I wish his job didn't take him away from our family so much, but it does, and he provides for us since I don't work. I'd rather him take the kids out on their dirt bikes than mop the floors, know what I mean? He WILL help if I ask him, he isn't anti helping at all. It's just easier for me to see what needs to be done and do it efficiently since I do this all the time anyway. I used to be really resentful, but I'm not anymore...I'm not sure what changed, but it doesn't bother me now. Oh I still get frustrated when I run to the store alone on the weekend and come home to a disaster, but overall it's not bad.

Like I said, my dh IS willing to help-with whatever I need. I try to do the heavy cleaning during the week so weekends can be fun, and the only things we have to get done are daily maintenance things like dishes, pick up, laundry, and sweeping. The rest can wait.

[Tsuga]

I understand you're homeschooling, so I write this as a woman with a full-time job to a woman with a full-time job.

 

Does he do something daily? Weekly? Monthly? What chores?

 

We both share equally. Everything. When it gets too bad, we do it. We have different tolerances.

 

I'm not a good homemaker. I'm not a perfectionist! I enjoy "creative messiness." I always have stuff on my kitchen counter and on the dining table, and I don't mind. I usually leave the dirty dishes in the sink until the next morning, because I prefer to wash them in the morning. DH never criticises, he's okay with everything I do or don't do.

 

I'm a surface cleaner and he's a laundry folder.

 

Over the years it has evolved into DH not doing pretty much anything. Sometimes he'd wash his coffee cup. But mostly he'd leave his cup and plate on the table and leave the kitchen. Sometimes, after a lot of asking, he'd take the garbage out, but I can't rely on this. Once a month, on a Saturday, he'd maybe fry eggs for the kids for breakfast. He'd mow our lawn 1-2 times a summer. Once or twice a week he'd take a child to an activity.

 

Sounds like a sweet deal. For him.

 

I'd like DH to start contributing to the running of the household by doing some chores, but I'm not sure how to start. What does your DH do at home and how often?

 

I would start by pointing out that you're not staying at home as a homemaker, a la 50s housewife with one kid and a couple in school, that you have a full-time job educating the children as a private tutor and curriculum designer. That might sound a little high-falootin', but it's true. And I'd point out that this is something you agreed for the family, that your job would be one that would bring benefits to your kids as people, not benefits to you financially, but that it's something you agreed to make sacrifices for.

 

With that out of the way, I'd point out what you are doing to keep the house running and then let him know what more you would like to see done, or what is interfering with homeschooling, specifically, and ask what parts he can help with, and if he is not willing to help, then how he thinks your family should manage those tasks, given that both of you are working.

 

I don't have a lot of sympathy for a healthy adult at home whose kids are in public or private school who can't keep house and wants help... I don't know what they are doing in that case, honestly. But a homeschooling mom or mom of a small infant? That's a full-time job and if you didn't do it you'd have to pay someone to do it.

 

So that's where I'd start. Your non-homemaking contribution to your family's future. And then move from there on specific tasks you need help with.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Tsuga

[Prairie~Phlox]

Not much, but I like things tidy & stay on top of things without a problem. Our kids do a lot. Dh does home & vehicle repairs. When the kids move out, he'll have to pick up the slack a little, I plan to go back to work fulltime.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Prairie~Phlox

[Hyacinth]

Envy Alert: My husband cooks pretty much every night. (Swoon!)

 

He also does the household maintenance and outdoor stuff.

 

I do the grocery shopping, decluttering, straightening, sweeping, dusting, vacuuming, laundry, bills, etc.

 

Each of us thinks we got the better end of the deal. :)

Edited December 15, 2015 by Hyacinth

[knoxinsox]

My husband works 60- 80 hrs a week, although right now, he's been putting in 14 hour days and working on the weekend. He gets his car services/inspections, etc.  I manage everything else including my car....bills, laundry, cleaning, homeschooling and making sure my 10 yr. old son takes out the trash and cuts the grass.   Its really not bad at all, bills are on auto-pay mostly, load of laundry and a bit of cleaning per day.  I started my kids early on chores and its starting to pay off as they are fairly capable.I suppose my biggest challenge is convincing my son, that he is NOT the man of the house and as such must listen and DO.THE.SCHOOLWORK.  Sigh....sometimes you need the daddy around.

[Jenny in Florida]

When I was homeschooling full time and not working outside the house, the basic split was that he earned the money and I did everything else. That meant that things were often not done to the standard he would have liked, but as long as he wasn't regularly pitching in, we both lived with it.

 

Every now and then, either because we had an event coming up (company, a party, etc.) or because he just got irritable about the condition of the house, he'd spend a day doing chores, but it was not regular, daily stuff. I did all of that (or at least as much of it as ended up getting done at all).

 

Since I've "retired" from homeschooling and am now working outside the house more hours per week, the balance has begun shifting. 

[Julie Smith]

Dh sometimes spends all day doing laundry.

 

But the kids and I try to stay on top of laundry so he doesn't. When he does the laundry he will set up his laptop in the basement. He will machine dry everything (the boys hang dry everything when they do laundry) including all the things that say, "do not machine dry". He will then sometimes run the machine till the clothes are dry enough I can smell it upstairs. He will then not spend time with us because he is "working" all day.

 

But this working is just sitting beside the running machines. It does not involve bringing the dirty laundry down, folding or hanging up the clean clothes.

 

I then have to, with the boys, or by myself put away all the clothes before they wrinkle or get mixed with dirty since he just leaves it in piles everywhere.

 

But the kids and I have time to do all the chores, so it is no worry. It is also a useful threat to the boys. I often say, "you better go do the laundry or daddy will do it". They then hurry to do it. He also complains if I comment negatively ant things, such as drying my hand wash only bra.

 

Eta. Dh is a bit of a messy guy. But is helpful when I ask him to do something. If it is an outside chore that is hard to messy up such as taking in or out bins, mowing or shovelling. Then it is usually all good. Not done my way, or as efficiently as I would. But done okay. It is inside chores that is sometimes like banging my head against the wall.

 

Personally I am the best at washing dishes. I can wash a load of dishes in 20 minutes that would take Dh 50 minutes or more. But if I need something such as laundry moved from upstairs to downstairs, or compost taken out, or something picked up at the store. Then Dh is good at that.

 

Another eta. ... He cooks.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Julie Smith

[Farrar]

He does all the laundry.

He mows the lawn.

He takes out the trash (though the kids do the recycling).

 

We share the tidying jobs - picking up the main floor especially. He does more tidying than me overall. He occasionally unloads the dishwasher or stacks the dishes or washes pots for me. He occasionally cooks. I do a lot more of that stuff though. Other than mowing we share the yardwork. I do a little more, though he does a good bit.

 

I do all the dusting, sweeping, and deep cleaning. He doesn't even see that stuff.

I do the bathrooms.

 

Overall, I do more. I especially do more of the big tasks that take longer. However, he does a little pretty much every day and without him the house wouldn't run and stay neat(ish). It's especially good that he does the laundry. I'm terrible at that stuff. Other than cooking, most of the stuff he's good at are the things that really need to be done regularly on a schedule. Laundry, trash, lawn, tidy. I'm much better at doing the stuff that can happen occasionally like degreasing the oven or scrubbing the bathtub or dusting the bookshelves. Like, those things need to happen but it's okay if they happen less often and at sort of irregular intervals. So our cleaning tasks fit our personalities too, which helps.

 

[SharonM]

My dh was a hard worker when the kids were home schooling. He took care of the cars, and his stuff. I should add I was a microsoft widow... he worked a huge amount of time. I handled the house and school. It wasn't always perfect, but I didn't have a problem getting stuff done. When dh was home I would rather have him rest and enjoy us than be stuck with chores. ( that I could handle anyway.) Now he has been trying to start anew business and moving his mother near us, and he jumps in when he is home and does what is needed. It's all good.

Edited December 15, 2015 by SharonM

[Garga]

DH does:

 

All the yardwork.

All the bills--including payment and filing paperwork

All the car stuff (except for oil changes--I call and take my own car for an oil change, but he does the calling or repairs for everything else.)

All the computer technology in the house

All the junkmail

All of the machinery in the house (furnace filters, mild repairs to sinks or whatever, changing lightbulbs, calling plumbers or other service people for non-minor issues.)

 

He enjoys washing dishes, so he does those every night.

He enjoys ironing, so he irons about once a week

 

He cleans his own bathroom--shower stall, sink, toilet--about once a week

 

He brings the groceries in and puts them away--I shop every other week

 

He putters around for a few minutes each night tidying the obvious stuff with the boys, "Ok everyone, let's tidy the livingroom."

 

If I'm in the middle of a big cleaning frenzy, he'll join in a bit--dusting or vacuuming.

 

From time to time, he feels that the stove is looking greasy and he wipes it down--and the hood.  Sometimes he'll wipe down the cabinets, too.

 

He feeds the cats if he's around when it's their feeding time.

 

He throws in laundry if he realizes he's getting low on tshirts or underwear and I haven't gotten to it yet.  He'll also hang the clothes to dry in the shower stall or put them in the dryer.

 

 

 

OH MY GOODNESS.  I never realized all the work DH does around here.  Wow.  I feel like a bit of a loser.  I don't do anywhere near as much as he does.

 

All I can say in my defense is that he has ADHD and simply must be active and moving throughout the day.  And he does all of the above things at lightening speed.  As long as he can focus, that hyperactivity part makes him a fast worker. 

 

But honestly, I need to give him a big thank you.  :(  What in the world do I do around here???   Apparently not much.

 

[Ethel Mertz]

My spouse does the following:

 

Works 60 hours a week at a high stress job, though with a somewhat flexible schedule

 

Takes DS to most lessons and extracurricular activities

 

Cooks breakfast a couple of times a week

 

Cooks dinner once a week or more

 

Takes the car to be serviced

 

Helps deal with the garbage and recycling (we take it to a town transfer station)

 

Goes out birding with DS

 

Helps change laundry loads

 

Does most of the grocery shopping

[J-rap]

We ended up doing pretty traditional roles (although he was always open to switching things around!).  I stayed home, taught the kids, took care of most of the household indoor chores and cooking.  He worked very hard with his job, always took over the kids in the evenings, did all the lawn care, car and home maintenance, things like that.  He would plan special events for the kids every weekend.  If we ever had company, our roles kind of reversed, because he was by far the better cook.  He would cook and plan any big special meal or company meal, and I would help as needed.  He'd work with the kids on their homework in the evenings, and read to them at night.  He sewed their Halloween costumes and made all their birthday cakes.  I always thought he could easily take over the roles of both mom and dad.  I was very lucky that way.

 

[Bluegoat]

I do most of the indoor stuff, though dh pitches in when I ask and will do something that he notices needs to be done, like bring in laudry off the line.  At certain times he's helped out regularly with laundry, but I don't need him to that often now.

 

He does childcare duties when I go out - he doesn'tregard this as babysitting but since I am in charge of scheduals, its often when I've asked him to.  He does take them with him often to canoe or on outings.

 

He is the outside/tool guy mostly - mowing, house maintenance, vehicle related stuff, most pooper-scooping and most garbage and recycling.  I do most of the gardening though, unless I need some heavy digging or lifting.

 

He does most bills and banking.

 

As far as getting a husband to start pitching in - it strikes me that the situation in the OP, it could be hard for a husband to know what to do.  Not only does there seem to be not set expectations for him, there doesn't seem to be much of a routine at all.  I've always found when I had roommates that is just the sort of situation where no one steps up. 

 

A good place to start might be asking him what he would like to see in terms of housework and maintenance.  Create some goals together, and think about how to best achieve them.

[PeachyDoodle]

I'm lucky that dh has always been great about helping around the house. Early in our marriage we both worked full-time and we got used to the divide-and-conquer routine. He cooks breakfast every morning and dinner two or three nights per week. Often for dinner I will start the process (e.g., chopping veggies or putting the main dish in the crock-pot) early in the day, and he will finish it after we get home from the gym. His version of cleaning the kitchen is putting the leftovers away, and I am usually pretty tired at night, so he stacks everything up and I clean in the morning.

 

He pretty much always gives ds his bath and brushes his teeth and tucks the kids into bed. He usually does the vacuuming, although that doesn't always happen as often as it should. For years he pitched in on bathrooms, but now those are part of dd's chores. He's great about checking behind dd to make sure she's caring for her cat. He single-handedly takes care of the yard/exterior of the house.

 

He's only done laundry when I've been on bedrest or sick for multiple days, but he's good about remembering to carry the full basket downstairs when he's going, or bringing the hamper up on laundry days. And laundry is one of those chores I really don't mind.

 

Also, he kills spiders. I'd keep him around even if that was the only way he helped! :laugh:

 

I don't have better advice than what you've already gotten, but there's a few things if you need a list to get you going. Basically, we don't keep score. We approach the chores like we do the rest of life: as a team.

[MomtoCandJ]

My dh takes the trash to the road every week, outside/maintenance stuff and will cook dinner if I'm busy doing something else. He will do other things if I ask him to or he knows I have a lot of school work.

Edited December 15, 2015 by MomtoCandJ

[StephanieZ]

Dh works FT+ and, yes, he helps lots at home. I'm lucky. I wouldn't want to write how lucky, because it would seem like bragging and likely make others grouchy.

 

That said, each person is unique.

 

I personally feel like it's sort of on me, as the FT at home person and the only one of us two who cares how clean or nice the house is . . . to limit my expectations to what he can comfortably and happily give/do. If he weren't happy to cook a lot, we'd eat simpler, but I'd do it. If he weren't OK with helping out with dishes/dogs/kids/etc, we'd have fewer pets, and we'd simplify our lives . . .

 

Now, I don't think it'd be cool if the working spouse expected 4 course from scratch meals and home made bread and to have 8 pets and 6 kids and to not do diddly squat at home . . . But, if I actually worked hard the entire time he was out of the house working, I could easily keep the house nice and clean and keep up with the household chores, kid stuff, etc. The only reason we both have to work some hours when he is home is because I sleep a lot more than he does (sleeping in while he goes off to work) and also because we have really high expectations as to how we want the home/meals/kids/pets/etc. So, we both work a bit more, and we're cool with that.

 

Also, when I wanted help cleaning, I could (and did) hire it. I only stopped that because I'd rather do it myself at this point as I don't like dealing with staff at home and also I think my kids need to learn to be more helpful with chores/etc, as I was afraid they were getting a bit spoiled and would have a hard time in the real world later . . .

[carriede]

My DH works 40-50 hours a week. We tend to divide our work load according to typical gender roles, but he often crosses over the line. ;)

 

He is completely in charge of:

Yard work

Car maintenance

Home appliance maintenance and home repairs

Ironing his work clothes (when he feels like it, but I don't ever do it)

 

He will help with the following 1-2 times each a month:

Vacuuming

Laundry

Cleaning the shower and tubs

 

And he'll randomly do things like clean the oven like he did this past weekend.

 

He's dreamy. :)

[redsquirrel]

my dh works full time, but so do I.  I just happen to work at home.  We try to divide the housework, but it's not like we time it or anything. There is stuff that has to happen and sometimes I do it and sometimes he does it.  He does most of the laundry, but that doesn't mean I don't do laundry.  I just don't tell him how to do it when he does it, and he does the same for me.  I do most of the cooking and meal planning, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't make dinner a couple times a week. He might just ask me what is planned for the night. I can't think of a single job inside the house that one of us hasn't done at one time or another. I hate to fold laundry and he is more likely to make that happen. I do most off the grocery shopping because for years it was my only time by myself, lol. He takes out the garbage because he knows when it goes out. I can never remember the schedule. It seems to work out somehow and neither one feels like it is all their job.

 

Outside it is different. I have terrible allergies and I really shouldn't do yard work. DH does that. But, in the winter I am just as likely to shovel as he is. I don't depend on him to do that.

 

We each go out of our way to make sure the other person has time to exercise or time out of the house with friends or time to read etc. 

 

He is very clear that he doesn't 'help out' around the house because that implies that it is my full time job and he is my 'helper'.  He's the other adult in the house and has equal responsibility for it's upkeep. He doesn't 'babysit' his kids either, he's their father.

[Χά�ων]

DH here does every bit as much as I do. He views teaching our kids as my full time job, so we both work full time, in his mind. Prior to moving, he chose to hire and manage weekly cleaners. We moved three months ago and haven't found cleaners, but he does at least half of everything. Maybe more, since he does most cooking. I offset that by doing all laundry. But he does everything else, and I rarely ask.

 

Now, if I could just train DS to keep his stuff picked up...

 

Eta: I should clarify that he also travels quite a bit, so obviously when he's on travel, I do it all. :)

Very close to this.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I do most of the work, BUT he always always picks up after himself.  He never leaves a plate on the table.  He never leaves stuff on the floor.  I'm never picking up after him.

 

He will pitch in as needed without being asked. 

 

 

[zoobie]

On his own without prompting, he does trash/recycling. If I ask, he will do anything other than plan meals and make the grocery list. He looks like I just asked him to slaughter a box of kittens when I threaten that will be his job. If he did things without prompting or even the first time I asked... I wish he would see the mess and pick it up without me asking. He does not work a physically demanding job. We have 4 kids, 2 small, and he is very, very happy to be the one to leave daily. Our house is definitely not company clean regularly.

[nd293]

There really isn't much to do. Kids unload the dishwasher and take out the indoor trash.

 

Dh puts out the bins for garbage collection day. He usually waters the garden. He helps with dinner prep 2 or 3 nights a week if I'm out with kids' activities, or collects kids from activities so I can cook. If I haven't ironed his work shirts, he does it.

 

We are all expected to tidy up after ourselves, including putting plates and cups in the dishwasher, laundry in the basket, folded laundry away, towels back on the rail, clothes and shoes not left on floor, wipe shower and basin after use.

 

I do most of the basic cleaning, which is dusting, floors and bathroom.

 

If you need something done, say that it needs to be done, preferably immediately: "Please put those clothes in the basket / dishes in the dishwasher". Don't do it yourself and keep asking until it gets done. Then say thank you. Same approach as with kids :-)

[JustEm]

My dh makes breakfast almost every morning and always keeps my coffee cup filled! He also helps me fold and hang laundry at night while we watch shows. He'll do school work with the kids after breakfast if I'm doing dishes or will do dishes while I work with kids. On the weekends, he'll join in the 15 minutes cleaning sessions we do as a family.he also cleans the bathroom once a month. He cleans with me when we are having people over.

 

 

This was not always the case though. It took about a yearfor this to become routine for him once he realized that I had too much on my plate.

[Joker]

Dh does all the dishes and yard work. He also helps with all math homework. He spent two hours tonight with both dds going over material for midterms. He will also do laundry if I get behind as well as any other housework he thinks needs to be done. He doesn't point out it needs cleaning but if he sees a messy bathroom, he just cleans it. He does breakfast every morning and takes dds to school. He picks them up most days as well unless he has meetings. 

 

He works a full time job and recently went to working from home. I find him doing even more now that he is working from home. If he has a few minutes in between meetings, he is always cleaning or picking up. 

[AimeeM]

Nothing regularly.

And I don't say that in a derisive manner, either. I'm actually fine with it. He does a ton during the week - even if "all" he does is work. I wouldn't feel okay asking him to chip in regularly around the house. If I'm frank, even homeschooling (2 of the 3 special needs). I have quite a bit of downtime on a normal day. Well, maybe not "quite a bit," but more downtime than DH has these days :P

 

DH does, however, help. When I say he doesn't do anything regularly, I mean that he doesn't have "regular chores". We have a landscaper/yard guy who does the yard work. What he does to help is simply to be observant and notice when I need help, and pitch in then, or to help when asked. <---- This is a biggie for me. I'm not a huge fan of "regular chores" assigned; I much prefer happy, willing helpers who help when asked, or who notice that something needs to be done and does it. DH has absolutely no problem picking up take-out, or cooking for everyone himself, if I ask or if he notices that I'm eyeball deep elsewhere - that's a HUGE help to me. He also does all of the fix-it projects around the house (or hires someone else to do them). For example, he knew that I was drowning between hosting chess clubs, school with the kids, unpacking from the move, and normal housework - and he knew that I was sincerely sad that all my Christmas decorations were still packed up at the back of the storage unit. This weekend while I was out of town at my sister's baby shower, he hired someone to help and between the two of them they unpacked everything in the storage unit and put all my Christmas decorations off to the side. And he stained and mounted the shelves for the living room, so I was able to put up my Christmas village.

 

I guess my point is that I have no problem with that he doesn't "regularly" contribute to the household chores, because he pitches in where needed. I might feel differently if he didn't, though, and I recognize that. 

 

ETA: I did just remember that he takes the trash to the curb on trash day every week. 

Edited December 15, 2015 by AimeeM

[Amy in NH]

He does the dishes, trash removal and recycling at the transfer center, most of the lawn and garden care, all of the snow plowing, all of the car, tractor, and most of the house maintenance and a good deal of repair and major contruction/renovation. I do laundry, dusting, vacuuming, canning, shopping, finances and paperwork, scheduling, baking, and about half the dinner cooking. He cooks dinner about half the time. He also does about 10% of the taxiing of kids.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Amy in NH

[QueenCat]

Things that need to be done in the evening hours and on weekends are shared, as we're both home. Why would he sit and watch me continue to work around the house? If we're both doing it, then we can both relax sooner. If he brings home work, then I finish up the kitchen stuff while he does whatever from his "paid" job. Granted, at the age the only one left at home, we don't have kid duties at night but when we did, he shared in all of that. And most nights, if we're home, we're talking cooking & dishes, not other stuff. On Saturdays, we try to get whatever needs to be done out of the way in the morning (unless something is going on) so that we have time for relaxing and socializing.

Edited December 15, 2015 by QueenCat

[lea_lpz]

DH helps cook dinner if I haven't made it before he gets home, we all pitch in to clean after dinner (me, dh, kids) and usually changes baby and puts her to bed. The first six months after I had our youngest, he cooked dinner pretty much every night while I nursed and baby gazed :). We usually all clean the house together over the weekend (me, dh, kids) and grocery shop for the week.

[Seeking Squirrels]

DH takes out the trash and recycling. He does his own laundry. He will do a load of dishes here and there. He makes breakfast on weekends and dinner about half the time. Whenever the apartment gets really out of control and we have to have a "cleaning day" to get it back on track, he does whatever needs done (usually he tackles the kitchen and/or bathrooms and I take the rest).

[lea_lpz]

Oh and everyone puts away there own laundry although I usually do loads and fold through the week. He often puts away the linens and misc stuff basket on the weekend.