dh wants me to give him an itemized list of school books we need,,,

[Sherri in MI]

and he will try to come up with the money for them.  I'm angry.  What is your reaction?

 

He already has me on an "allowance" of $100 per week for food for the 3 of us and gas.  That doesn't include anything else we may need.  I have to ask him for money if I need something.  Things are tight but there is no reason we can't do a budget together, (all the more reason to in fact) but he refuses

 

Do you give your husband itemized lists of school books before he gives you money for them?

[zoobie]

Uh, no. I don't get an allowance either.

[Momof3littles]

Yeah, that wouldn't fly here.  I can get that he might have serious financial concerns, but budgeting should be handled together.  If we were dialing back our spending, I would be irate if I wasn't part of the decision making process.

 

Is this new behavior?  Have your finances changed in some way?  Has one of you been an overspender and one the budgeter/money person historically? Have the two of you talked about budget and finances as a couple in the past?  You don't have to answer, just trying to figure out if he's having serious concerns about budget or this is more of an overall pattern of controlling behavior. 

[Scrub Jay]

No allowance here.  We are a family, one unit.  That seems very controlling if it isn't a choice decided by equal married partners.

[freesia]

Wow, no. We come up with the budget together. I say how much I need for school then we "find" the money together. I have full access to all our money. I have strong opinions that that is the way a healthy relationship works--with the possible exception of a spouse with addiction issue.

[Night Elf]

We've always made the budget together. We'd decide on a ballpark range I could spend on school stuff and he trusted me to make the decisions from there. He was never involved in choosing and buying curriculum. There were times I needed to go outside the budget but I just talked to him about it and we almost always made it work. The only allowance I've ever had is a weekly amount to use in whatever way I see fit. When the kids were little, that involved our weekly trips to Barnes and Noble, sometimes toys and activity kits, and lunches out.

[LucyStoner]

Do you have access to see the accounts and where you are?  If not, that's a huge red flag that he could be mismanaging or misspending and doesn't want you to know.  Or he could just be very controlling about this.  Either way, if you aren't happy with it, it's gotta change.  Do you have a debit card, check book or credit card to use?  Or do you have to literally ask him to get you cash or order things for you?

 

I joke that I have an allowance but that's a budget we set together.  And he has one too.  We each have a hand in the finances.  He handles the bill paying and keeping track of our monthly expenses.  I do our taxes and handle our investment and retirement accounts.  But we both can see everything at any time and we discuss the budget and long term goals. 

[marbel]

I don't.  I understand that some families need closer budget monitoring than others, so I could see circumstances where that would be advisable or necessary.  Right now that's not the case in our family but we manage our finances together and even though he earns all the money, it's still ours, not his.    

[Χά�ων]

Do you have access to see the accounts and where you are? If not, that's a hue red flag that he could be mismanaging or misspending and doesn't want you to know. Or he could just be very controlling about this. Either way, if you aren't happy with it, it's gotta change. Do you have a debit card, check book or credit card to use? Or do you have to literally ask him to get you cash or order things for you?

 

I joke that I have an allowance but that's a budget we set together. And he has one too. We each have a hand in the finances. He handles the bill paying and keeping track of our monthly expenses. I do our taxes and handle our investment and retirement accounts. But we both can see everything at any time and we discuss the budget and long term goals.

^^^this^^^

[busymama7]

I do total what I need for the new school year and ask if we can afford it before ordering. Sometimes I have to cut back. He does the finances because I just can't be bothered to think about it although that is my issue. He's always trying to show me the budget LOL! I am getting better but yes if I need something out of normal food/household that I buy and have a budget for, then I ask him first and tell him how much. He doesn't much care what it is but with school if money is tight he will talk through my choices wih me to be sure they are really what need and not a new shiny penny ;)

[Peaceful Isle]

I don't get an allowance. I do understand trying to watch to not go over budget, though. Not sure I like the "having to ask for money all the time". Your not a kid. :(

 

My dh just tells me he wants me to try to get the best deals I can. I usually tell him each time I am about to buy something(sometimes I tell him after lol :p ) just to let him know where the money went. I am pretty money conscience so he doesn't ever worry.

Sounds like you both need a heart to heart talk.

[DawnM]

If my husband even hinted at that (allowance or itemized lists) I would hightail it to the school district with my resume in hand.  If he wants to restrict things and control things that much I will simply go back to work and make MY own money.

 

Sorry, this is a huge hot button issue with me.

 

DH and I DO discuss all of our money and we do have a budget we set together, which I see your DH is unwilling to do.

 

I am going to tell you that finances are one of the top reasons couples divorce......it is nothing to be played with or manipulated by one person.

 

 

and he will try to come up with the money for them.  I'm angry.  What is your reaction?

 

He already has me on an "allowance" of $125 per week for food for the 3 of us and gas.  That doesn't include anything else we may need.  I have to ask him for money if I need something.  Things are tight but there is no reason we can't do a budget together, (all the more reason to in fact) but he refuses

 

Do you give your husband itemized lists of school books before he gives you money for them?

 

[J-rap]

I can understand if you two together have decided that he would do the budget, or if he ends up being the one who does if if you have shown no interest.  But if you have expressly told him that you want to be part of the budget planning and he won't let you...  then, hmmm...  Yeah, I'd be uncomfortable with that.

 

My husband and I used to take turns doing the budget.  I did it for many years, and he was so glad to not have to think about it!  Then once I got busier in homeschooling and he became more interested in the financial aspect of our lives :), he took it on.  (joint decision)  By then, I was glad to not have to think about it anymore.  He figured out what we could afford weekly for groceries, etc., and would also want to know what I needed for homeschooling.  (I would offer input if necessary.)

 

Now we're back to me doing the budget, but I can't wait for the day when my husband can be more involved with it again.  I just don't like thinking about all of this all the time!

[Tangerine]

Our budget is a team effort. We sit together every pay period, allot the funds where they need to go, and pay the bills. I would feel like I was in a parent/child dynamic if I had an allowance and no involvement in financial decisions.

[Um_2_4]

Well, i do the budget and DH gets the "allowance" LOL. Actually that is his pocket $ at work and gas $, but we joke about it. I do have a set amount each month set aside for homeschool related expenses and kid's clothing. Anything over I would ask him about because our monthly fixed expenses are so tight, it would most likely have to come from savings.

[Cinder]

Do you give your husband itemized lists of school books before he gives you money for them?

 

No. But we are in a position to not have to budget so closely for school. I realize not everyone has that luxury. Nevertheless, even during our long unemployment period dh didn't ask for a detailed list of what I needed. He trusted that I would choose wisely with our circumstances in mind.

 

I do have a grocery budget but as the principal shopper I am free to decide how/when to spend that money. I tend to spend more at the beginning of the month replenishing staples and household-y things like cleaners so I would find a weekly budget harder to work with. It wouldn't be impossible but it's just different from the way I've operated all these years. I also have an "allowance" but it's more like "fun money" to spend on whatever; our situation enables us to have this in our budget.

 

:grouphug:   Sounds like you and your dh need a serious talk about the budget.

[Lady Florida.]

Dh does the budget and bill paying because I hate to do it. However, we discuss it together. I tell him what I need for school so he's aware and can put the expenses in the budget, but I don't itemize. That would signal that he either doesn't trust me, or he is controlling. Neither would fly here.

 

As for allowance, we both know how much discretionary spending we have and we're careful. That's our "allowance". 

 

When you say he gives you a specific amount, and you have to ask him for money, does that mean you don't have access to the bank account? Are you not on the account? I use a debit card, but if I need cash I simply go to the bank and get it. I let him know, and if things are tight, I'll check our account online first. Are you not able (allowed?) to do that? If so, that's not good.

[Paige]

I don't think asking for an itemized list is necessarily outrageous, but it sounds like there's more going on. I wouldn't be upset about the list if money is tight. I make a list myself when I plan out the year, and it seems like a pretty standard budget/record keeping device. If money is tight, itemizing it can help you see what you really need and if you can't afford it all, you can see it before you start buying and be sure you get your most important sources in.

 

But the whole allowance thing? Having a budget for money to spend on weekly for gas and groceries is normal, but when you call it an allowance, it seems weird to me. I also think both people should have input into how much should be budgeted in each category. And is it asking or demanding? If my husband demanded a list or called my money an allowance and his money "his money" that would bother me. It speaks to issues of control which I want no part of.

[Guest]

No. I handle almost all the money, almost all the time. I'm not sure dh even remembers what his paycheck looks like.

[mysticmomma]

I'd be angry too.

[Arcadia]

Do you give your husband itemized lists of school books before he gives you money for them?

Does he question your choices or is it that he is the kind that likes to control the purse strings?

 

I just use the credit card and it's easier than a fixed sum. Hubby always goes with my choice and pays for it. He never complain if the choices didn't work out as well as we hope. We buy school books and sign up for outside classes year round. I'm more tightwad than him and he is already a tightwad. No limits for grocery, clothes and other necessities.

 

ETA:

Hubby reads through the 5 to 6 weekly grocery ads we get and work out a list of things we like that are on sale. We have many supermarkets within walking distance of each other. We grocery shop together so no need for budget.

[6packofun]

It's so easy to look at the face of this and assume misogyny, isn't it.  LOL

 

When a family is on a strict budget, sometimes it is absolutely detrimental to have TWO people spending money at the same time unless it is meticulously budgeted out.  One person may pay the bills and know when those are due and when those can be put off a bit to make a little room in the budget.  You can start out with a budget and have it ruined by one small thing.  So it can appear as if one person is being over-controlling with the budget when really they may just have the task of making sure disaster doesn't happen.

 

In the past, my husband has been very thankful if I figure out what I need for the school year WAY in advance so that he can adjust things--with my input if necessary--in the rest of our squeaky tight budget to make room for school stuff.  Many years we have not HAD a school budget, we've had to MAKE one by making very tough choices with the rest of our obligations.

 

Our lives have gotten a little bit easier with dh's new job, but I still rely on him to let me know how much of each paycheck I can spend.  He gives me a lump sum and I need to figure out groceries and anything else that is not a bill.  lol  Sure, I can have him sit down with me so that I can SEE it all on paper/computer, but I can't remember a time where I was like, "Hey, wait a minute, why are you paying that bill?!!"  lol  There aren't many surprises in our budget because there isn't much there!  I can choose to feel "left out" or "treated like a child", but unless my husband has given me a REASON to mistrust him or doubt his methods, I really don't feel the need to assume the worst.  Sometimes I like seeing where our money is going, but mostly I get it.  We're paying bills and eating.  The end.

 

If he's making choices without me about something that is optional in our budget, yes, I'd be annoyed.

[mamajag]

Um, no. That wouldn't fly around here. I handle the finances in the family; it stresses him out, and he likes not having to worry. Since he's out of the country half the year, when he's at home I like him relaxed. :) He has an amount budgeted for his household projects and we both have an amount budgeted for fun money. It drives his FIL nuts that he will call me from town and ask if there's room to spend if he's about to go over budget. What FIL doesn't understand is that he's not asking permission. He is just blissfully ignorant of the state of our finances and prefers to be that way.

 

As far as homeschool, *I* make lists and price out options, and DH knows he's welcome to look any time he wants to. He really values the kids' education, so he never questions our expenditures in that area; in fact, he's often asking if there's anything else the kids might find fun. Usually in June and July he's telling me to budget more for homeschool stuff. We put away all year long like a Christmas club so that no matter what happens financially, their education is taken care of.

[Seasider]

My issue with it is mostly that if he isn't the one going to the store and buying the food then where does he get off telling me what I can spend? I'd make him go and buy the food because he needs to know what it costs.

 

Same with the books. Let him look for books. If he wants full control then he needs to see what stuff costs and not give you some arbitrary amount. I think it would be ok for him to say, about how much are the books you need going to cost and then being honest about whether or not that amount is in the budget. I do sometimes have to tell DH...this month isn't good for repainting the porch because we are a bit low on funds.

I agree that sometimes the spouse doing the shopping needs a reality check [ETA I meant to say the spouse NOT doing the shopping!] My dh really couldn't understand how much the price of groceries has risen, and why we couldn't stay within the grocery budget, until I started (strategically) asking him to pick up more things while he was out. Also, I have stopped preparing all meals ahead of time on nights I have to work, so he has gotten a taste of the amount that teens consume versus the amounts they ate as little kids. I have worked to increase his awareness of these things.

 

As far as school costs/curriculum, he is so happy NOT to have to handle those small details that he doesn't question what I spend. That said, we have been schooling a long time and he knows by experience that I am not frivolous and do lots of cost comparing before purchasing.

[JustEm]

I'm the one who give dh an allowance and scrutinizes his spending when its not from his allowance.  But that is because I handle all the bills and the budget and that is how he wants it.  He knows he's not good with money and I am. He knows that in order for him to remain at a job he loves that pays less than others do we have to be strict about where our money goes and he knows I'm the one you makes that happen.  But all of this was agreed upon together and it is what works for our family.  I have an allowance as well.  If he were ever unhappy with the situation then we'd change it.

 

If this is something you agreed upon together and now you are regretting it then you need to both work together to change it.  If he is controlling the money and you have no idea about it you either need to insist on having a say in it or get your own job so your dh can't control you with money.

[Liz CA]

Sherri, is he controlling in other areas as well and unwilling to discuss things? When I first read your title, it did not resonate in a negative way, however, after I read the whole post, I got the impression he wants to control things in an unhealthy way.

An itemized list for books to see how much money is needed would not be so bad if he discussed things with you and let you help decide.

[Loowit]

My DH doesn't even really know how much I spend on books.  I give him a rough estimate of how much I think it will cost if he asks, but really he doesn't care all that much.  I am the one who does the budgeting though.  He tried to take over for a while, but he could never get things paid on time and kept forgetting things so I took it back over.  I have more time to deal with it than he does.

 

I understand tight budgets and having to account for every little thing, but I would want to be able to see the overall budget and where the money was going.  I would not want to itemize every book I wanted, I could put together a total including shipping costs.  And DH has full access to my spreadsheet that has everything I am planning to order for the year on it, but some of the items are a boxed set and I would not write out every little thing included, if he cared he could go look it up himself.

[Lady Florida.]

My issue with it is mostly that if he isn't the one going to the store and buying the food then where does he get off telling me what I can spend?  I'd make him go and buy the food because he needs to know what it costs.

 

. 

 

Dh always gets sticker shock when he goes to the grocery store. 

 

 

When a family is on a strict budget, sometimes it is absolutely detrimental to have TWO people spending money at the same time unless it is meticulously budgeted out.  One person may pay the bills and know when those are due and when those can be put off a bit to make a little room in the budget.  You can start out with a budget and have it ruined by one small thing.  So it can appear as if one person is being over-controlling with the budget when really they may just have the task of making sure disaster doesn't happen.

 

 

 

I agree, but the OP has asked to be included in the budgeting process and her dh refused. That's very different from the scenario you're describing.

 

Personally, I think it's better if both partners are aware of the cost of running the house. When one person only knows the fixed bills such as housing and another is only familiar with the fluctuating expenses (food, school, medical, etc.) neither one has a good handle on the budget.

[Tanaqui]

When a family is on a strict budget, sometimes it is absolutely detrimental to have TWO people spending money at the same time unless it is meticulously budgeted out.  One person may pay the bills and know when those are due and when those can be put off a bit to make a little room in the budget.  You can start out with a budget and have it ruined by one small thing.  So it can appear as if one person is being over-controlling with the budget when really they may just have the task of making sure disaster doesn't happen.

 

 

 

But she said in her first post that she wants to budget. It's a joint household. They're both adults, and they both contribute even if only one of them is contributing financially at this time. For her husband to give her a restricted allowance and not allow her input in a *joint* budget is really, really raising some red flags. Or at least it ought to be. I don't want to be the one to put this word out there, because I'm new here and anyway am certainly not privy to their private family matters, but limiting access to money is a classic tactic of abusive partners.

 

It might not be anything of the sort in this case. But if everything is on the up-and-up, I don't get why the two of them can't sit down and hammer out a budget together, even if that budget ends up looking a lot like the one he already has.

[Pawz4me]

My issue with it is mostly that if he isn't the one going to the store and buying the food then where does he get off telling me what I can spend?  I'd make him go and buy the food because he needs to know what it costs.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

We have, thankfully, never needed to be on so strict a budget that what we spent on food was an issue.  But the few times DH has ever questioned it, I've invited him to take on the grocery shopping chore himself.  Each time he quickly retreated from that little discussion. ;)

 

What money we have is ours.  We don't do his or hers or allowances.  If we need to figure out how much to spend on something or where the money is going to come from, we sit down and do it together.

[Butter]

It's not how it works here, but then I'm the one who does the budget.  Perhaps your budget it tight and he wants a list in order to figure out what is most important to prioritize where the money is going to come from.

[idnib]

The red flags for me are the refusal to include you when requested and the itemized list of books rather than a total. The first sounds secretive and the second sounds controlling.

[JustEm]

It is interesting to me how many couples can happily (??) agree on a budget. We have a budget. But we don't totally see eye-to-eye on how much money is allocated to what. I still believe that we never should have signed up for satellite TV when we moved here. But, too late to get all those months of money back, right? At least we are on the same page now regarding that. Not renewing our contract.

 

I'm fairly thrifty so I think dh trusts me with the decisions on educational materials but he will tell me things like, "Money is tight. Don't buy anything this month" and that really messes me up. His job pay is not the same all year. He usually determines the grocery budget on his own and does the shopping so even if I speak up he usually makes the final call. The most I seem to be able to do is hand him coupons or tag along and give my input as we shop so I feel like it's kind of out of my hands. Just wanted to say I can sorta sympathize.

 

I doubt so many couples happily agree on a budget but coming up with something together even if both aren't entirely happy with what the budget looks like is important. Or at least agreeing on who comes up with it if one person is not interested, like in my situation.  But the OP stated she wants to work together on a budget and her dh will not allow her to be a part of it.  That is not healthy.  

[Ohdanigirl]

I am the one that handles the budget. Dh tends to be a spender, so I guess you could say I have him on an allowance. Of course, I am a benevolent dictator. I asked him how much he needed for his travel to/from work each week and spending money, then set aside the money from each two week check and hand it to him each week. It has forced hi to think before he spends and stick to a budget.

 

When I began this approach I actually sat down with him and had all our bills/payments written out with dates due and also had the Math worked out for him with total income in and total out. He is a very visual person, so I wanted him to see it all laid out. I also put myself on an allowance for groceries and household supplies. If the roles were different, I wouldn't mind making a list. I am a list person and find that totaling things up puts things in a new light. Sometimes seeing the total cost of something inspires me to get creative about meeting those needs. Dh declared long ago that I could be in charge of the money and his policy is not to question any of my money spending decisions, but I still try to involve him. He rarely even looks at out accounts, but I keep him informed.

 

I would never hide it from him. As a pp mentioned earlier, if you are not able to see the finances, I would take it as a red flag. It seems like the two of you need to sit down for a heart to heart.

[Elisabet1]

I would be ticked.

 

My husband just doesn't want me to bother him with stuff like this. I also am the one who actually looks at the bank account. 

 

Perhaps there are money issues you might not be aware of? Or is he off eating out every lunch and doing whatever he wants, while limiting you that much?

[FO4UR]

An itemized list is not a bad idea, itself. I even prioritize by "must have"- "buy this before spending $ on restaurants" - and "wish we could get."

 

 

However, if the budget isn't a joint process you are in trouble deep. :grouphug:

[Arcadia]

I try to tell him stuff, but it doesn't matter until he comes to some sort of realization of his own. Drives.me.nuts.

When hubby realized prices have gone up, it always ends up with us spending less than usual because we would up our emergency savings just in case inflation gets worse.

 

Like when milk went up to $7 per gallon, we stop buying cereal for snacks so that milk consumption goes down. So we end up spending less on grocery per month than when milk was $5 per gallon.

[Arcadia]

Things are tight but there is no reason we can't do a budget together, (all the more reason to in fact) but he refuses

 

Have you ever done a budget together? Is there a possibility that money is so tight now that he feels insecure/upset discussing?

 

He might be controlling or he might just feel inadequate in providing a "good" family income.

[Luckymama]

I used to tell my husband every time I'd buy a book for school. Just because I want to be open about it. He finally said, you really don't need to tell me about every book you buy.

Ha, I do/did the same thing :lol:

[JustEm]

I guess I feel like if I look over a budget and say, "I think you put too much money in that category" and they do it anyway, then I am not much better off.

 

Well, at least I got dh to agree to add a category or two for future. I just hope that in doing that he reduces the amount in another category rather than upping the entire budget.

But you looking over a budget and then commenting on it needing changes isn't you working on the budget together. Working on the budget together is sitting down together and constructing it together, discussing why this category should be what it is, discussing future goals in which money is needed and working on what you have now to accomplish it. If a partner isn't willing to do that in a sensible manner then there is a problem.

[MomatHWTK]

Actually, I give the budgets here and DH is on an allowance.  He tucks away money from his part for extra things he wants to buy.  But I'm the one who figures out what we can afford otherwise. 

 

This sounds more like a style and communication issue than a control issue.  What is wrong with making a list- he's offering to try to find the money, right?  How would you prefer it to be handled?  Can you talk to him about your wishes (for a joint budget) without being furious? 

[solascriptura]

I might be understanding if he asked me about the amount I needed, but what is the point of an itemized list? Unless he wants to find used books himself, of course.

[gardenmom5]

that depends.

 

how tight are things really?

do YOU know where the money goes?  (even if he's the one doing the books/budget.)  you should know.

does he go out and spend what he wants on himself?

 

dh's background is finance.  he tracks every last penny.  when things were tight, we only bought essentials.  things that other's thought of as a basic, were luxury items for us.   things aren't tight anymore, but he still tracks everything.  we discuss, and I can see any 'statement'/budget I want.

 

I will tell you - it's the nickles and dimes that kill most budgets - not big expenses.

 

 

[LucyStoner]

It's so easy to look at the face of this and assume misogyny, isn't it.  LOL

 

When a family is on a strict budget, sometimes it is absolutely detrimental to have TWO people spending money at the same time unless it is meticulously budgeted out.  One person may pay the bills and know when those are due and when those can be put off a bit to make a little room in the budget.  You can start out with a budget and have it ruined by one small thing.  So it can appear as if one person is being over-controlling with the budget when really they may just have the task of making sure disaster doesn't happen.

 

In the past, my husband has been very thankful if I figure out what I need for the school year WAY in advance so that he can adjust things--with my input if necessary--in the rest of our squeaky tight budget to make room for school stuff.  Many years we have not HAD a school budget, we've had to MAKE one by making very tough choices with the rest of our obligations.

 

Our lives have gotten a little bit easier with dh's new job, but I still rely on him to let me know how much of each paycheck I can spend.  He gives me a lump sum and I need to figure out groceries and anything else that is not a bill.  lol  Sure, I can have him sit down with me so that I can SEE it all on paper/computer, but I can't remember a time where I was like, "Hey, wait a minute, why are you paying that bill?!!"  lol  There aren't many surprises in our budget because there isn't much there!  I can choose to feel "left out" or "treated like a child", but unless my husband has given me a REASON to mistrust him or doubt his methods, I really don't feel the need to assume the worst.  Sometimes I like seeing where our money is going, but mostly I get it.  We're paying bills and eating.  The end.

 

If he's making choices without me about something that is optional in our budget, yes, I'd be annoyed.

 

But in this case it sounds like she doesn't know what the heck is going on or how much they have.  I'm not going to attribute that to misogyny because there's not enough information and honestly, usually when I see stuff like this it is because the person holding the purse strings (male or female) is hiding something.  Big or small, but something.  Transparency is key. 

 

[Mrs Mungo]

I do have an allowance of sorts that goes into a separate account for my household spending-clothes for the kids, dental stuff, gas, groceries, all of that. We have a money market account where money goes each month for curricula and classes. This way, we are never spending the same money or spending money that is meant for something else. But, the household budget is something we decided together, not something he dictates. And the money I receive is enough to actually do all of those things. The money the OP is getting for gas and groceries would barely put gas in my car for a week.

[Luanne]

This was the way it was in one of my marriages.  Everything else in the marriage was also controlled by him.  He was a very controlling person.  This is why I have been single for 11 years now.  Two of my three marriages were to VERY controlling men.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Do  you have a history of mismanaging money?  In another thread you're talking about driving ten hours to go shopping for a dress that could most likely be bought close to home with much less expense overall.  (I don't know the answers to this question by the way.  I'm just putting this out there as something to consider from a dh's point of view.)

[Catwoman]

Do you have a history of mismanaging money? In another thread you're talking about driving ten hours to go shopping for a dress that could most likely be bought close to home with much less expense overall. (I don't know the answers to this question by the way. I'm just putting this out there as something to consider from a dh's point of view.)

That's what I'm wondering, too.

 

We're only hearing one side of the story here. I had a friend who said something very similar about her dh -- all the way down to the part about her dh asking her to tell him exactly what the kids' books and school uniforms were going to cost -- but it turned out that she was on an allowance because she'd run up the credit card bills to the point where they were hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. Her poor dh was running himself ragged trying to pay off all the bills, yet every chance she got, she would spend more money, and she would lie to him and tell him she needed things for the kids just to get extra cash. (Years later, she has been in therapy for a long time, but she's still a big spender. Her dh makes a lot of money, but I doubt he will ever be able to retire.)

 

Obviously, I don't think this is the case with Sherri, but while my first instinct was to judge her dh very harshly, I do know of more than one case where one spouse had to take very tight control of the purse strings because the other spouse couldn't control their spending.

 

Under normal circumstances, the dh's behavior sounds creepy and controlling, but we don't know whether they are saving for something big or have large debts that need to be paid. Sometimes a strict budget is necessary and sometimes one person has to be the bad guy and enforce it.

 

I don't have a budget and if my dh ever said he was giving me an allowance, he knows I would use the money to buy a shovel to dig a shallow grave for him in the backyard. :D

 

Again, if I were Sherri, I wouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from my dh. No way. No how. And if there are debts to be paid, she and her dh should be working on a budget together and agreeing on all the details. Except in extreme cases like I mentioned above, I'm not in favor of one spouse controlling all the money.

[Mrs Mungo]

Do you have a history of mismanaging money? In another thread you're talking about driving ten hours to go shopping for a dress that could most likely be bought close to home with much less expense overall. (I don't know the answers to this question by the way. I'm just putting this out there as something to consider from a dh's point of view.)

I read it as bridesmaid dress shopping which the bride is probably choosing, plus a shower is involved in that trip? I have never lived that close to my family, but I could see a 10 hr trip for my sister's wedding shower. I would consider that wasteful, unless we were truly living close to the edge financially.

[brehon]

I do have an allowance of sorts that goes into a separate account for my household spending-clothes for the kids, dental stuff, gas, groceries, all of that. We have a money market account where money goes each month for curricula and classes. This way, we are never spending the same money or spending money that is meant for something else. But, the household budget is something we decided together, not something he dictates. And the money I receive is enough to actually do all of those things. The money the OP is getting for gas and groceries would barely put gas in my car for a week.

 

Holy Financial Planning, Batman!  How did I never think of this?!?  As my kids get older and take more and more on-line classes, etc this could really help us save up over the longer term to pay for them. So simple!

 

OP, I work outside the home and my dh teaches the kids. I would never dole out an allowance to him and exclude him from any budget considerations. We came up with our budget over a couple of nights and bottles of wine and we revisit it every few months.

 

To me this is one of the hills I would fight for in a marriage. The non-working spouse is not a child and should not be treated as one. I hope you can reach a solution with your dh that is agreeable to both of you.  But you really need to know all of your family's financial information.  What if, heaven forbid, your dh died tomorrow? Would you have access to all the financial records you need in order to live? This goes way beyond an itemized curricula list and grocery money.