Did you go through a mourning period when you finished having children?

[AimeeM]

I guess this is directed at women who didn't really have a choice in being finished.

 

Due to some complications with previous c-sections, and some other problems, I cannot have more children. Don't get me wrong - there are things I won't miss about the infant stage (since I have children who apparently DO NOT SLEEP, lol)... but it's a bit crushing as well. I'm relatively young (29) and I will so miss having a "baby" around; beyond that, I had dreams of another girl. Big dreams. Please don't get me wrong - I adore my boys, and we were thrilled to have boys (we wanted boys after our girl)... but I had assumed I had more (er) "opportunities" to have another girl as well.

 

Every time I see little girl clothing, or see ads for things like American Heritage Girls, etc I get the urge to cry. Does this feeling ever fade? Please tell me it does. I feel so sad even typing this. This may just be a byproduct of that my little girl isn't so little any more (and growing more every day), and that is a bit hard.

[G5052]

Not really, but I was over a decade older and have other long-term family issues.  So it was fine with me when that chapter of life ended.  It would have been hard to manage another baby. Do I still long for babies?  Of course, but that's just part of being someone who enjoyed that stage.  I've been going through things to store and give away, and of course there have been tears over some things.

 

Now mine are on the cusp of leaving the nest, and that's yet another chapter.  I cry every time I think about it.

[amazzie]

My youngest is two and I am 41 and am struggling with a chronic illness. So, even though I might still have baby dreams, I don't know that I'll be able to have any more! It is sad, but I am not as sad as you are right now. Of course, you are much younger than I am. Dh says I am just pining for grandchildren, LOL.

 

I don't want to be offensive, because I know nothing of your health issues, but I wonder if a different OB might have a different opinion? My last OB was so encouraging and urged me to keep trying dispite multiple miscarriages, and I've heard that other OBs are not so encouraging. So I just wonder if a second opinion might help open up your options?

[KarenNC]

Yes, to a degree, especially as we were able to only have one. It makes it fairly poignant, knowing that we will only experience every milestone once. Sometimes it seems like things are going so quickly, and I don't know exactly what my life will look like once she goes to college. It's not that I actually want another at this point (I'm 51!), but I get nostalgic over the baby clothes, when I see little kids (especially girls), etc.

[Crimson Wife]

{{{hugs}}}

 

We haven't ruled out adoption and haven't taken any potentially permanent actions, but we're pretty sure that we won't be trying for any more biological children. We always said that we wanted at least 4 kids so it's been hard. I've got maternity clothes and baby stuff up in the loft in my garage that I'm just not emotionally ready to part with yet.

 

I'm 37 though so even if we were actively trying, there are no guarantees that I'd be able to conceive and carry to term without resorting to fertility treatments.

[AimeeM]

My youngest is two and I am 41 and am struggling with a chronic illness. So, even though I might still have baby dreams, I don't know that I'll be able to have any more! It is sad, but I am not as sad as you are right now. Of course, you are much younger than I am. Dh says I am just pining for grandchildren, LOL.

 

I don't want to be offensive, because I know nothing of your health issues, but I wonder if a different OB might have a different opinion? My last OB was so encouraging and urged me to keep trying dispite multiple miscarriages, and I've heard that other OBs are not so encouraging. So I just wonder if a second opinion might help open up your options?

 

Other opinions wouldn't help, unfortunately. The problems were serious enough that the Catholic hospital I birthed at signed off on an immediate ligation after my last birth (and it isn't easy to get them to do that). I'm on the cusp, right now, of either a burning procedure or a hysterectomy, according to my OB. I keep putting if off, but the problems are becoming more pronounced. I do trust my OB, so there's that. He is very pro-life, pro-"have as many kids as you're able", and highly regarded; beyond that, he is very sensitive to his patient's desires and needs, very compassionate, and very encouraging.

[catz]

Yes.  I was 35 when I had my 2nd and last.  But I definitely have found peace with it and am enjoying my family thoroughly as it is. 

[Rachel]

I've always wanted 4 and thought I was at peace with having 3 until I had an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage last year. Another child isn't completely off the table for us, but my husband doesn't want me to go through another pregnancy. We have talked about pursuing adoption through foster care but we probably won't pursue that until our children are a bit older.

 

It's tough. I frequently get comments asking when we will have another from people not realizing how painful that subject is for me.

[texasmama]

I was almost 40 and had three kids and a complicated life when the last baby was born.  I never saw myself having more than four kids.  However, I still miss nursing a baby/toddler.  I guess I will for a long time or maybe always.

 

If I was 29 I would probably have a hard time letting go of having more babies.  I'm 47 so it feel different from here.  ;)

[Mommyof4ks]

I was 26 when I was told more might not be a good idea. It was hard, I cried a lot. Well, nearly 10 years later we are in the process of adopting a baby and have plans to adopt at least one more. It took a few years of mourning off and on what might have been, but now we are in a place where biology is not as important as parenting more sweet children, so here we are. All of that to say, yes it is normal, yes it gets better, and yes you still had options if you change your mind down the road. I will say that starting over after having no babies or toddlers for years is interesting. :)

[Loowit]

I always wanted at least 4, and then we had infertility problems.  It was hard, especially the years we thought that we wouldn't have any at all.  God blessed us with three beautiful children that the doctor said we wouldn't be able to have without invasive procedures.  I would love to have another baby.  We haven't done anything to prevent but it has been almost 9 years since my youngest was born, so I think that we are done.  I am 41 and my female health problems are getting worse.  I will likely end up with a hysterectomy or ablation in the next year or two once I have insurance again.

 

There are more days than not now that I have become okay with knowing we are done with having babies.  But sometimes it still hits me hard.  The last few weeks it has been on my mind a lot, not sure why.  But I try to think about all the things I have to look forward to and to concentrate on what God has given me instead of dwelling on my own sadness.

[aggieamy]

I thought I would but haven't yet.  

 

DH and I always wanted a big family.  We had hoped to have a few more but due to length of time to adopt and cost we're done.  It took us over three years have DS through adoption and that is after trying infertility treatments.  DH is now forty and even though he'd love to have a few more kids he's starting too feel like we'd be doing our kids a disservice.  (I'm still a young spry thing at only 32.   :laugh: )  He doesn't want to be the old dad.  He doesn't want to be the 50 year old guy with a cub scout.

 

We know DS is our last.  He is such an easy, delightful, wonderful baby that we have come to the conclusion that we are blessed with what we have and could never get this lucky again.  (DD is pretty awesome too!)  In a way it's a bit freeing to pack up the newborn things we are finished with and hand them off to friends who aren't done with that stage yet.  

 

((HUGS))

 

I hope you find some peace with your situation.  

 

 

[gardenmom5]

yes.  we had wanted one more - but nothing happened for 10 years, so we came to the conclusion we were done.  I was in my 40's and having peri symptoms.  then I got pregnant - my emotions were very mixed.  even after dudeling,  I never felt I was "done".

 

 

[MicheleinMN]

I haven't read any of the other responses, but my answer is YES.  

 

And sometimes it is still hard to accept.

[freesia]

I was sure that 4 was our limit and very at peace with stopping.

 

It was still hard. Honestly, it took about 4 years to move on, but I have. It will get better.

[helena]

I did. I was diagnosed with Lupus and was heartbroken at the thought of never having another baby. Then, I went through years of "Meh... I love my girls, how could I even think of feeling cheated." Then,  :) Last week I was in Nordstroms buying a baby gift for a cousin... I seriously thought I was going to cry. I felt like a CRAZY woman! I SERIOUSLY felt panicked, sad, desperate... and, well, basically ready to go home and make a baby. :) The baby lotion there smelled like pure heaven. Then I went to the teen section to pick something up for one of my kids, and I was like "Wholly crap!! What just happened??!!"  :lol: Shake it off lady!

 

It's not easy being a woman sometimes.  :grouphug:

I think all these feelings are reasonable.  :grouphug:

 

ETA I'm 42, so that ship is sailing anyways... another thing to make peace with.  ;)

[OneStepAtATime]

Yes.  I still do.  But I know we were probably better off with just two kids.  Still makes me sad, though, and my DS still mourns the loss of more siblings.  He wants a large family and envies his friends who have one.  We commiserate with each other.  DH and DD, not so much.  :)

[Night Elf]

My DH was finished before I was. He got a vasectomy and I was extremely unhappy. Unfortunately, it took years for me to get past it. It really is hard when you feel you want more but can't. :grouphug:

[MotherGoose]

I'm working through this now. I'm 39 and DH is 41 but has lots of chronic medical problems and has been hospitalized 3 times since my 5 yo was born. It's entirely possible that he may have more issues, or that he may become incapacitated for a period of time which may coincide with the neediest moments of a baby or a pregnant lady! I am thinking about foster/adopt though.

[BlueTaelon]

Yes! I'm 38, and things have really been a struggle with my oldest and it's impacted my ability to provide for us. I've seriously got the baby bug and know I can't do anything about it and would be dumb to do so when I'm struggling so much already.  I've always felt I have one more coming, a boy:) alas, unless he falls into my life via adoption I'm done. Maybe I would feel different if I had a partner but I've had 2 as a single mother and I know what I would be in for and I need to worry about the kids here. I've mostly accepted it and have been going back and forth on getting my tubes tied as a preventive measure in case I lose my mind to the baby crazies lol I think I'm just missing the nursing and the snuggles and of course that breastfed baby smell.

[AimeeM]

DH feels similar. He's 45. He's always wanted a large family, though, so he goes through his periods, too, where I think it hits him. Every once in a while he looks so sad when he rocks our youngest (now 2).

I thought I would but haven't yet.  

 

DH and I always wanted a big family.  We had hoped to have a few more but due to length of time to adopt and cost we're done.  It took us over three years have DS through adoption and that is after trying infertility treatments.  DH is now forty and even though he'd love to have a few more kids he's starting too feel like we'd be doing our kids a disservice.  (I'm still a young spry thing at only 32.   :laugh: )  He doesn't want to be the old dad.  He doesn't want to be the 50 year old guy with a cub scout.

 

We know DS is our last.  He is such an easy, delightful, wonderful baby that we have come to the conclusion that we are blessed with what we have and could never get this lucky again.  (DD is pretty awesome too!)  In a way it's a bit freeing to pack up the newborn things we are finished with and hand them off to friends who aren't done with that stage yet.  

 

((HUGS))

 

I hope you find some peace with your situation.  

 

[ScoutTN]

Absolutely.

Even though I trust that God has done and is doing what is best for me and for his glory.

Even now when my younger is 7.

Almost every time I hold a baby.

Even in the deep thankfulness of having 2 healthy children after walking the infertility path.

[MrsMommy]

I understand how you feel 100%.

 

I've had five c-sections. I really shouldn't have had the fifth one, but somebody in our family was missing, and I thought the risks were worth it.

 

Because of that last surgery, I really can't have another. I don't feel as bad as I did after our fourth was born, but I will never be happy to be done having children. It's something I'm just resigned to. Some days I feel it more than others, but it's always there. I think I would have gladly had two or three more children had it really been up to me (and dh), but it's just not an option.

[Pawz4me]

No.  DH and I always knew we didn't want more than two kids.  I had to have an emergency c-section with DS #1, and my very trusted OB strongly recommended a planned c-section for DS #2.  So since DH and I both knew we were done, we arranged for me to have a tubal ligation at the same time the c-section was done.  And we've had absolutely no regrets, for which I've very thankful.  I know it must be very hard on women who have to cut their childbearing shorter than they would like, for whatever reason(s). :grouphug:

[MrsBasil]

Yes.  I was 30 when we both realized that for a variety of health reasons, DD needed to be our last.  It was tough, but I have felt joy and peace lately.  We've been doing fun family things and I've realized how much more difficult it would be for me to do those things with a baby, particularly a baby like DD was!  

 

It still hits me when I see a post from a friend on FB who just had her 5th.  We had our first together.   DH and I always wanted a large family, bit if it's not in the cards there's nothing I can do.    We can not afford adoption and are not the right type for foster care.

[alisoncooks]

We decided to stop after two, and I thought I was pretty well done. Then my brother and his wife go and have an adorable baby girl and throw my resolve into turmoil. My girls are 8 and 6.... As much as the idea of a baby draws me in, I can't imagine shaking up our comfortable little world. I've been pretty sad/conflicted about it. :(

 

ETA: our decision to stop was entirely by choice, but I am so sorry for those that want more children and cannot have them. I think I just waited too long and have gotten too comfortable on this side of the baby/toddler years. And the age gap worries me, now if we added another, oldest DD would be 9 or 10.

[AmyontheFarm]

If I could, I would get my tubes fixed and have two more.  At the time, I was happy to have them cut.  We had four kids, our son was diagnosed with global muscle delays and we were told he would end up in a wheelchair without a lot of my time and energy to help my son walk.

 

Now he's running all over this farm working with Daddy just like any other 13 year old boy should.

 

My baby is 11.  I stopped crying at night about 2 years ago because I wanted more, but the feelings are still there.

 

I want my kids and grandbabies to live right next door so I can sit and play with those babies, watch them, make supper for them and be a grandmother!  If my husband would let me, I'd pay for their houses just to keep them close.  But alas, one dd has already moved 6 hours away.

[MrsJewelsRae]

Yes. My youngest is 5, born when I was 29, after 3+ years infertility and many many treatments with a RE (got pg through IUI). I always wanted 5+ kids, 4 was absolute minimum. My kids are 12, 10 and 5. We went through lots of ttc, I had 3 miscarriages. I always feel like someone is missing and when I see families with 4 kids my heart squeezes in pain. I am very happy and grateful for the 3 children I have, I only want more because I love and enjoy the ones I have so much that 3 just doesn't seem enough. We tried for a 4th, did all the infertility stuff again, IUIs, meds etc. My fertility issues are worse and dh has issues now too which means having a 4th is pretty much impossible. We stopped the treatments almost 2 years ago but I'm still not past it. My sister just had a baby and it just makes me yearn so badly for another. I was the one who loved being pregnant, nursing, newborns, babies, cloth diapers, I adore children, having to stop in my twenties was too soon. I'm hoping I'll come to peace with it, but part of me still thinks maybe we should go back to the doctor again for a few more rounds, not sure if I can take the stress and heartache though, and there really is no point.

[Catwoman]

No. Never.

 

But I feel sad for those of you that have felt badly about it. :grouphug:

[mom2scouts]

Yes, we wanted more children. Years of medical issues, recurrent pregnancy loss, and our ages made us decide we needed to stop. It took me a long time to be able to start getting rid of the baby stuff or truly feel comfortable around babies again.

[Tap]

Nope, not even a little bit.  We had two, we wanted two and we were done.  We ended up with three (my great niece), but we never regretted stopping at 2. 

[Forget-Me-Not]

Yes, I think there can be a mourning period, even when you know you are done.

 

I think this blog post is especially poignant (CC):

http://sarahbessey.com/learning-live-ache/

[Lieutenant Stranger]

Yes and no. I was 26 when we made the decision that we should have no more, though I was sad about it.

 

Sometimes, I still feel a bit "awww" when I see a cute newborn or a beautiful pregnant lady.

 

But, you've got to look at the positives. I would definitely NOT want a baby at this point in my life, though plenty of people my age do. I enjoy all the things we can do now that we really couldn't do with infants/toddlers/preschoolers (looking at you long plane trips to fun places). 

 

I like that I will still be young (early 40s) when my kids are college-aged.

 

So, while I do feel that twinge, I just have learned to accept it for what it is. I acknowledge my feelings, but then move on and feel grateful for what we have and what we can do now.

[emmaluv+2more]

My youngest is about to turn 3 months old. I hate being pregnant. I have been adamant since peeing on that stick that 4 is plenty for me. I insisted the entire pregnancy to anyone who would listen that we are done (we have 4 girls so, of course, everyone asks if we'll try for a boy). I'm beginning to waiver on that resolve.

 

But DH turns 40 this year and does not want to be too old to enjoy his kids later on down the road. I get ridiculous morning sickness.

 

I love birth and I adore babies, but we are done. I have a feeling I will mourn for quite some time.

 

Sometimes being a woman really stinks.

[Jenn121]

I am in that boat with you. I will be 40 this year. I have a 13, a 6 and a 10 week old. C/sections for all three. #3 was a surprise after 6 years of no prevention.

 

During the last delivery the Doc looked over the drape and said no more. Too much scar tissue. I am having a hard time with it. Although, with it taking years for me to get pregnant it is unlikely I would have another anyway.

 

Hubby is done. He was done after 2. So I get no empathy there. I just feel so sad. Praying for all our mother's hearts that long for more.

[Garga]

I guess this is directed at women who didn't really have a choice in being finished.

 

Due to some complications with previous c-sections, and some other problems, I cannot have more children. Don't get me wrong - there are things I won't miss about the infant stage (since I have children who apparently DO NOT SLEEP, lol)... but it's a bit crushing as well. I'm relatively young (29) and I will so miss having a "baby" around; beyond that, I had dreams of another girl. Big dreams. Please don't get me wrong - I adore my boys, and we were thrilled to have boys (we wanted boys after our girl)... but I had assumed I had more (er) "opportunities" to have another girl as well.

 

Every time I see little girl clothing, or see ads for things like American Heritage Girls, etc I get the urge to cry. Does this feeling ever fade? Please tell me it does. I feel so sad even typing this. This may just be a byproduct of that my little girl isn't so little any more (and growing more every day), and that is a bit hard.

In your situation I can't imagine that you wouldn't mourn. Of course you feel sad! I am not in your situation, (I knew I was done at 2 and didn't look back) yet I can completely understand where you're coming from. You wanted more children and now you can't have them? How terribly sad. Really, grieving for the loss of your dreams, the loss of the children you thought would join your family, is completely normal. Completely.

 

I would imagine that the sting of it will last for a long while. You may think about it quite a bit. And then I would imagine that you won't think about it all the time anymore, but from time to time it will hit you hard. I only say this based on other things in my life that didn't go as I'd hoped and that's how the grief worked. It was very painful at first, then after a couple of years (yes years) I would mostly not think of it. But then from time to time--BAM--the sadness would well up. Ouch.

 

I find it best to look at the grief right in the face and admit that you're feeling it. Don't try to stuff it away. Don't try to hide it. Don't lie to yourself about it. Admit it.

 

But at the same time, don't let the feelings take over your life. Don't let yourself get swallowed up. Acknowledge the feelings...and then live life regardless.

[coralloyd]

We really thought we were done. After being uncertain (due to 3 c-sections, with heart issues), then deciding to go ahead and try, and ending up with a miscarriage; we were done. I was soooo sad. I dreamt of another baby, but truly thought we were done. My heart was broken.

 

Then we had a pregnancy scare. When my dh thought I was pregnant he was so excited, and so was I! When It turned out that I wasn't we were very disappointed. That made us decided to go ahead and try again. Now, here I am 22 wk pregnant. This baby will be 8 years apart in age from our youngest. Yes, we are crazy. However, we are all so excited! My other 3 are on cloud nine that we are having a baby. They have been asking for another sibling for a while. I am only 34 though, and knew my body could probably handle it.

 

I am so sorry you are feeling those twinges of pain. You never know what the future may hold. I will pray for you today.

[Mergath]

I don't know that I'm done for absolute certain, but with my medical issues it's pretty darn likely that dd is going to stay an only.  I wanted another, and dh and I tried for a while with no success.  It does make me sad.  I'm thirty, so I could have quite a few more child-bearing years in front of me, if I was able to keep having kids.  It hurts that my ovaries just won't cooperate. 

[sewingmama]

Yes..yes yes. I have never gotten pregnant easily...my three kids were absolutely miracles. 15 years of active trying and never using birth control and I only got 3 kids for my efforts. I had two miscarriages after my last and then never got pregnant again.

 

I think I will always feel sad that I didn't get the number I wanted which was 5. I feel cheated that I almost did but lost them.

I try to focus on the fact the 3 is much better then none.... but I'm always a tiny bit jealous of people with lots of kids announcing they are pregnant again and again...I want that to be me.

 

I also get a little jealous when people talk about planning their kids and their spacing etc. I didn't have any control over my fertility. For a long, long time I had nothing....then suddenly too many close together ...and then miscarriages and then nothing.

 

I was too afraid after my DD to try birth control to try and space my kids further apart and in hindsight I am glad I just let them come...because if I had waited maybe we would just have DD.

 

But yeah...I feel cheated out of so many things that other people take for granted about fertility...I felt like I had so little control over it.

 

In the end I try not to focus on what I didn't get and more on what I did. Three healthy children with at least one of each gender...thats very lucky and blessed for a person like me who for many years thought they would have none at all.

[MistiDelaney]

Oh, Aimee, yes!  That is so normal.  I had always wanted a big family, but I have a very hard time staying pregnant. I grieved for 20 years that it seemed that there would be no more after my first two.

 

I got lucky.  I married a man who brought two more to the family...and then, after 20 years of infertility and grief, I discovered that I was finally pregnant.  Since it was my 16th pregnancy, I no longer consider a pregnancy to be a promise, so he was five months old before I could really believe that he was here to stay, but he was!  He was born 9 months to the day after my first grandchild. 

 

Obviously there will be no more pregnancies for me, but we are moving closer to my stepsons, and he and his partner have five little angels and are very inclined to share, so in a few months I will have babies in my arms again!  (And, even better, I can send them home when I need a good night's sleep!)  ;)

 

With your physical troubles, it seems unlikely that you would want to risk another pregnancy, even if it were posible.  yes, it is normal to grieve.  (Until my last was born, I wasn't able to be aroud babies without crying.) 

 

FWIW, all desire to make more babies disappeared once 'the ship sailed' and menopause came and went, so while your grief may not wane entirely it will probably grow less sharp after your ship sails.

 

And you never know what might happen.  Babies come in many ways, I have discovered.

[gardenmom5]

I did. I was diagnosed with Lupus and was heartbroken at the thought of never having another baby. Then, I went through years of "Meh... I love my girls, how could I even think of feeling cheated." Then,  :) Last week I was in Nordstroms buying a baby gift for a cousin... I seriously thought I was going to cry.

 

ETA I'm 42, so that ship is sailing anyways... another thing to make peace with.  ;)

I was out with dudeling, and there was a woman right in front of me handling her very small baby.  it brought back memories and I missed that.  I thought - one day I'll have grandchildren. (I don't even have anyone seriously dating! let alone married yet.) maybe . . . I thought about the look of pure excitement on my mother's face as she'd reach for one of mine when they were babies.

 

the lupus might keep you from having more. being 42 will not.

[Meadowlark]

Oh yes,and hugs to you because I KNOW! This whole entire year has been one emotional mess for me. I have been that crazy lady more than a few times and I have come to resolve that it will always, always be a sad thing to let go of. I have 5, and the youngest is 15 months...but would welcome another if my husband was up for it. He is not. I can't blame him. The doctor said "no more" after the last because of the scar tissue and overall risk factors. (I had a c-section, 3 VBACS and an emergency c-section) Plus, we are just so tapped out physically and emotionally. I'm 36, not at my optimum weight and...tired. I just don't feel like I could keep my sanity if I was stretched any more. My brain says it's time to move on...

 

But my heart says "but wait!!!!!" Some people take it harder than others. I am someone who looked forward to motherhood my entire life. I dreamed about it, prayed for it....it came and went like the breeze. I loved every minute of my pregnancies, every ultrasound, every.single.thing about it (well,okay...not labor). I think for me, the childbearing years are the "peak of the mountain" and now I'm slowly going over the other side and it can be very sad. I've shed many tears in the mourning process.

 

BUT...oh, thinking about all of fun we can have in the future cheers me up. Not lugging around a diaper bag, planning things in the afternoon because nobody will fall apart without a nap, not being on pins and needles during a math lesson because the baby might wake up if we're too loud, etc etc. All good things must come to an end. Let's face it, I could not stay in this phase forever. It's exhausting. So although I give myself the freedom to mourn, I also try to remember the upside. There definitely is one and I'm soooo ready! Did I mention Disney when my youngest is old enough? :-) Give yourself grace, your feelings are normal!

[Guest]

I think it's very difficult for some women to move past that stage.  I'm one of them.  I'm not sure if we are done.  Some days, I feel done, but then get sad at the thought that we are done and wonder if that means we are not done.  Sometimes, I feel like someone is missing... that maybe we're supposed to have one more.  DH wants to be done... but I'm just not sure...  I think that might be a mistake.  It actually hurts my feelings to think we are done.  Just not sure.  If we did have one more, would I still feel the same way after the next one?  Is this how people just feel after their last?  I did tell DH that if we have one more, I will get my tubes tied.  If we do not have one more, he can do the vasectomy (which was the original plan).    

[sbgrace]

:grouphug: Yes, but I had a lot of miscarriages/difficult carrying to term, so I feel so thankful for my two. I think what you feel is really common, but that doesn't make it easier. :grouphug:

 

Just this past year we found out I carry the gene that gave my son his metabolic health issues. His twin got daddy's health gene. Any other children would have a 50/50 chance of having it too, and maybe worse effects. That same child has 3 or 4 additional special needs issues (autism, ADHD, OCD, very likely Tourettes), and I don't know if they are really connected to the metabolic condition or just additional unlucky lot in life stuff. 

 

If I had the same odds as anyone else to have healthy kids who wouldn't struggle, I think I would feel sadder. I wish I could have had that, and my typical/healthy child could have lots of siblings. He's the kind of child who would thrive with that.  I feel sadder for him than I do about myself. But all of this has been a grief for me at some level.

[Spryte]

I guess this is directed at women who didn't really have a choice in being finished.

 

 

 

:grouphug: I think you hit the heart of it right there in your first sentence.  When we don't really have a choice at being finished (or starting) ... we mourn the possibilities, the potential.  Whether you thought you might want one more, or two more, or even if you never thought you wanted kids - you mourn the loss of the chance.  

 

I'm coming at this from a different angle.  I had a hysterectomy before ever having kids.  I didn't have much of a choice, but did have *some* choice.  It was the best option, of crummy options.  I didn't think I wanted kids, I had a career that I loved, doing what I loved, and the problem that prompted my hysterectomy was seriously hindering that career (I was an archaeologist, working in the field and it was my lifelong dream).  I still mourned.  I mourned in ways I didn't expect, and it was deeply intense at the oddest times.  

 

Now that we've had kids (via adoption, obviously), we don't plan to have more.  But I'm not mourning it. Yes, I'm older, but it's not the same thing.  I know that we *could* have more.  It's different.  I'm no longer mourning the loss of possibility, the loss of choice.  There are no regrets.  Does that make sense?

 

I hope you find you way to the right decision for yourself, for your health.   :grouphug:

[KrissiK]

We adopted all of our children and so, in a sense, we have more "control" than others maybe, but when we adopted our last 2 girls DH said we were done. I would have loved to adopt again, and we had an opportunity about a year and a half ago, but declined, which was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I understand the reasons.... we have 5, we are in our mid-40's, none of our kids are low-maintainance, but I guess I mourned when we "declined the opportunity." I cried. I day-dreamed. And it's tough now. I used to put all the outgrown clothes away for the next one, but now when my baby grows out of clothes I give them to charity. And there's a little lump in my throat.

[Mom-ninja.]

I do. My dh decided we were done. I would keep having babies cause I love babies.

 

I have all boys so I never got to buy girl stuff even once. I'm sad sometimes that I don't have a daughter and other times I think it's cool that I have all boys. Mostly, I have sad times that I won't have any more babies. 

[Starr]

For me it wouldn't matter how many children I had. The thoughts of another baby are precious. It does fade... And then you brow beat your children for not getting married at 16 and having grandchildren for you. (They roll their eyes at me. lol)

[Ewe Mama]

I am still mourning the loss of that one last child.

 

Sheep Daddy was 39 and I was 25 when we married. We started trying right away, but after two years of testing and no diagnosis, we looked to adoption. Two weeks before I turned 30, Joy was placed in our arms. We did foster to adopt when she was two, and ended up with two boys after a very grueling process. During our foster to adopt time, I was finally given a diagnosis for the infertility and was told I could never have a biological child. Never turned into a pregnancy four months later. A pregnancy for which I was too scared to hope for a positive outcome for nine months. When Alvin was born, we had four children, age three and under. A year later, Faith joined the family, so we had five in under four years. I could barely remember to breathe, let alone truly enjoy any of their infancies. It was crazy!

 

We went through a very difficult time for about three years and finally decided to try again. A month later I missed my cycle and we got all excited. I went to the dr. And was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. I was in total menopause without warning. I was given hormone treatments which made me absolutely off my rocker. I lasted two years and quit taking them. Sheep Daddy was recently diagnosed with cancer. We had been contemplating adoption again, so now that's out.

 

I feel like I never enjoyed any of my babies. With the adoptions, I felt like we had to be perfect parents, 24/7, with the house and everything completely perfect for caseworkers' visits. With our foster to adopts, we were dealing with caseworkers at least two or three times every week. It was very difficult to keep a 1200 square foot house clean and organized with all those little ones and their needs.

 

I just wish we could have had one more, so I could relax and really see him or her. Smell sweet baby smells, and not so sweet ones, too. Nursing, bathing, adorable little clothes and toys. I feel like it has all passed us by and I missed it because there were too many at once.

 

I think about doing in vitro using donor eggs and sperm, but I have never gotten past simply considering it.

 

I totally understand. :grouphug:

[Rebecca in KY]

I didn't. But then, I had an atrocious pregnancy that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, then had such major complications during birth that I was in surgery for 9 hours and woke up intubated. I was in ICU for 4 days and a regular room for another 4. After that experience, I have never had any desire to get pregnant ever again.

 

However...we are currently pursuing foster care and adoption. It took me 6 years to even have interest in this route--the trauma really messed with my head. We will probably add 1 or 2 children to our family.