What age would you send kids to spend a week with grandparents?

[vonfirmath]

My husband's parents live 2 states away, in Arizona (a day and a half by car). They want us to send our son to stay with them for a week.

 

Am I unreasonable to think that is too far to send a 5 year old?

 

I always knew this day would come one day -- because my husband went to see grandparents when he was growing up. But he was 11 years old! So I thought I had a few more years before it would come up. OTOH, I do want my kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents.

[NotSoObvious]

My kids spent a week with my mom when they were six so we could go to Hawaii. Then they spent a week with her when they were 8 so I could finish my internship for my MEd.

 

I don't think 5 is too young in general, especially if you are going to drive, not fly. But, my girls have always loved being with Grandma and they don't get homesick. I would have never been able to be gone that long at 5 years old. I think it depends on the kid.

[NotSoObvious]

Also, there is no reason to let him go if you are uncomfortable. None at all.

[vettechmomof2]

my children have done grammy and pappy camp every year since they were babies. My daughter first stayed only a few months old then when my son was born I think he was about a year then we lost everything in the flood and the children and i had to move in with my parents. The children stayed every weekend with my parents as it was not safe for them to be working in the area of the flooded house/area.

But if you are not confortable with it then that is your choice. I trust my parents to do this safely.

[Lolly]

Mine started at 2. Except for ds. He tried at 2, but they turned around and brought him home after 20 minutes in the car. He didn't make it until he was about 4. He wouldn't have done it then if his sisters hadn't been with him. The grandparents came and kept the kids at my house for a weekend (so dh and I could get away) from the time they were babies. Even bfed babies that never took a bottle. One of the kids refused the whole weekend and was fed by a dropper the whole weekend! They all survived with no harm done.

[misty.warden]

I'd be wary if the child is sensitive to being away from you, has never spent much time with the grandparents, or if there's any question of being able to reach you to at least talk on the phone/Skype in case of a horrible meltdown. Every parent and child has different comfort levels, and that doesn't mean the grandparents aren't responsible. Some people aren't good with that much distance.

[Karen in CO]

My mom lives with me, and my kids would NEVER stay with their grandfathers which excludes me from answering your question. However, I did let my dd stay for a week with my sister starting when she was 8. It really depends on how comfortable everyone involved is.

[Unicorn.]

How comfortable are you w/ your parents? Ds stayed w/ my mom when he was a year and a half. Ds and dds stayed w/ my sister and brother (they split the week) when they were 5 and 3 while we went on a cruise. My niece and nephew stayed w/ us when they were 5 and 7. In other words- whatever your comfort zone warrents.

[regentrude]

How close are they with their grandparents? My kids spent several nights with my parents as soon as they did not breastfeed anymore, around age 2.

(I assume you are asking about the actual STAY and not about unaccompanied air travel.)

[AK_Mom4]

With a grandparent that they knew well, saw several times a week, and were happy to do overnight's at Grandma's - age 4

For a grandparent that they hardly knew and saw only once every few years - age 12

[Tess in the Burbs]

I know I flew to see my grandparents for a week every summer once I was ten. Until then they often drove us and stayed half the week with us. But once I hit ten I flew there alone or with my sister and stayed the week. We basically were old enough to take of ourselves....make small meals, know to shower daily, go to the pool alone.

 

My kids are 11 and 9 and I wouldn't send them to grandma's house now....they would just sit all day. Boring. My grandma had us taking train trips and such.

 

I think it depends on the kid.....could you drive and meet half way? Do they have plans to wear out a 5 year old? I know some people are blessed with great grandparents. So consider them and your kid and make the decision

[gardenmom5]

honestly - it depends upon the grandparents. competent ones that I held in high regard, I'd allow them to care for NT kids for a week as soon as they're weaned. (I know people like this - they just aren't *my* children's grandparents)

 

My mil . . . . lets just say teenagers aren't old enough to leave with her for even one DAY.

[texasmama]

None of my kids would have felt comfortable going that far from me for that long at that age, so while I don't think it is "wrong" to send a child on that sort of trip, I cannot imagine a scenario in which it would have worked for my kids/family. I would feel comfortable with my dad (and my mom, when she was living) keeping the kids for that long, but my MIL is only allowed short, infrequent, supervised visits due to her inappropriate behavior so it would be a no go to send a child for a week to stay with her.

[Impish]

W/the grandparents my poor kids got stuck w/, sometime after the age of 18. And even then, I'd discourage it.

[higginszoo]

There are a lot of factors that go into it ... how comfortable the child is with the idea, the mental state of the grandparents, etc.

 

My dc spent time with grandparents, usually together in 2s or 3s, starting at about age 2 or 3. Now that the mental status of one grandparent seems to be deteriorating (though it isn't something discussed -- maybe BECAUSE it isn't discussed), I probably wouldn't feel comfortable sending them now, 10 year later. I had to advocate for them too much during the last family visit. The other grandparents really want to do something with all 5 of their grandkids at the same time, but I think that there's a good chance that my s-i-l would end up tagging along with them for at least part of the time (dn is the youngest of the crew -- just 3 years old).

[Farrar]

I would absolutely have done it at that age. But it depends on the kid, the family and the grandparents, of course.

[MinivanMom]

You are not unreasonable to not want to send a 5-year-old that distance to what are (I am guessing) long-distance grandparents. It doesn't matter what anyone else does. It doesn't matter what your dh did when he was a child. Every child is different about separation. Every set of grandparents is different in terms of age, health, mental health, etc. If you don't want to, that's absolutely okay. Five is still very young. You can say, "No," without feeling guilty that others have made a different choice (based on their different children and different circumstances) and without feeling like you owe your in-laws an explanation. Your son will still have a good relationship with his grandparents.

 

Out of curiosity, how did you know that this would come up? Is this a situation where dh has warm, fuzzy memories of spending a week with the grandparents at 11 . . . or . . . have your in-laws been laying the groundwork by hinting that they sent their son for visits so they expect the same? Are you expecting them to exert pressure? I think it's interesting that you would worry about your son not having a good relationship with them if you don't send him for visits alone at 5. Is that your worry or something your in-laws have suggested?

[boscopup]

My kids have stayed overnight with my parents from a pretty young age (2ish?), but they see these grandparents about once a month, and my parents have plenty to do at their house: toys, movies, playing outside with balls, and my parents even drive them over to a playground my dad helped build if I leave carseats (I install them).

 

Now I haven't left my kids with my inlaws yet. Frankly, their house is not conducive to entertaining small children for long periods of time. I fully trust my in-laws - they're wonderful people. It's just hard to let the kids be there when you can't even sit on the couch because it's piled high with stuff.

 

Oh, and none of my kids have ever had an issue with being left with anyone. If they did, that would obviously change my opinion. ;)

[bettyandbob]

do the grandparents visit often and do you as a family visit them regularly. Doing both those things would help you figure out how your ds is with his grandparents. You visiting there and staying overnight would inform you of how the house is run, so you do not make assumptions about things that just don't happen.

 

If these regular visits are not happening I would wait. At 5 he is unlikely to really articulate about things that occur. I would wait until 8. I would start trekking to Grandmas and staying with ds for a few days at a time.

 

If regular visits are occurring then I'd go ahead and send him.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It depends on so many variables. In my case, I didn't leave my children with my ILs when they were young because a. Grandpa would take non-swimming children swimming without lifevests (this pool did not have a shallow end) b. Grandma would give my allergic kids things like ice cream and look shocked when I said no because "that's not milk"! Once my kids got older it was impossible for both my parents and my ILs because they are both quite elderly (80's and 90's ) and the grandparents could not handle it.

[katilac]

Totally depends on the kid and the grandparents. My gets get a bit homesick even on vacation with us at 12 & 14, so there is no way we would have left them for a week with the grandparents who live 10 hours away. When they were about 9 & 11, we started driving up there and leaving them for a few days while we went about an hour and a half away and stayed at a hotel. Shorter time frame, much shorter drive time.

 

The other grandkids did it starting about 2 yrs old, about a 6 hour drive, one at a time. They were fine with that. My kids at the least need a sibling for support.

 

I personally would at least want a tryout for a few days closer to home (or with me closer to them).

[2squared]

With my ILs and my mom, I would kiss their feet if they would take any of my kids for a week.

 

My Dad and his girlfriend, though, none of us would be comfortable with it.

[elegantlion]

As others have stated, it depends upon the grandparents and the child. My ds has been staying at my parents since infancy. His first week long visit was probably about age 4. He and my mom are best buddies, so it's like a vacation for him, even now.

 

A week is a long time and it depends on whether the grandparents are interacting with the child and understand the expectations of a five year old to be busy, tired, and food and sleep schedule. I'd say it can be a wonderful bonding experience. I also had no real relationship with any of my grandparents, so it was important to us for ds to have that experience.

[myfunnybunch]

It really depends on the grandparents and the child. It's the day-and-a-half drive that would get to me. Are they doing the driving or expecting you to drive?

 

My father takes all of the grandchildren ages 8-12 to his house for a week of Grandpa Camp. He's pretty hands-off as far as structure and discipline, lets them pretty much work things like bedtime and daytime meals out themselves, but he keeps them active and busy. They work, hike, camp, fish, swim, walk to the store, go to the ball field....Last year, they drove around visiting ghost towns and panning for gold. The year before he took them on a sight-seeing/camping detour on the way to his town. They all have a FABULOUS time, and talk about it all year. My youngest is super-excited that he's finally old enough to go! It works because we trust my dad. And because he takes that time to spend with them he has a great relationship with his grandchildren, so they look forward to it all year.

 

He took the teens and young adults on week-long backpacking/camping trips in the mountains until he had ankle surgery.

 

Cat

[*LC]

"I always knew this day would come one day -- because my husband went to see grandparents when he was growing up. But he was 11 years old! So I thought I had a few more years before it would come up."

 

The question to consider is will you be comfortable sending your son when he is 11.

[Hannah]

Also, there is no reason to let him go if you are uncomfortable. None at all.

 

:iagree:

 

Loving grandparents will understand this.

[Melissa in Australia]

I have never sent mine overnight to grandmas. My mum has however spent 1 night here when DH and I went away together.

[DawnM]

I would be ok with it if they are emotionally healthy people. Neither of our moms fits that bill, so our kids NEVER go alone to visit either side. Sigh.

[Lizzie in Ma]

We began doing that around 5 with older dd, youngest wasn't ready til much later.

[athena1277]

Age 5 for a week? No. Especially since it's so far that it would be hard to go get him if he was having troubles with it.

[Mango]

As soon as my kids were potty trained my mother would come and get them for a week. At least that was the plan, but if they got too homesick Gma would call and we'd pick them up earlier. A couple of my kids managed the week just fine. DS did a day and he was done. :driving:

 

My mom was really great about making sure they had a successful first. When we had to pick ds up earlier they drove half way and met us.

[Cinder]

My dc would not have been comfortable being away for a week. Other than that it actually has never come up. My parents live thousands of miles away and mil has always been too old and has admitted she wouldn't have the energy to care for young children.

 

OTOH there are families like my neighbors whose dc go to their grandparents' houses frequently. They all live nearby and see each other often. They've been doing overnights fairly regularly since the kids were little.

[Annie]

My little guy will be staying with my parents (and my sister who lives with them) for probably four nights this spring. He'll be about a month shy of three. They live 1,000 miles away, but we see each other pretty often and for long periods of time. He and I have spent 4-6 weeks there on several occasions. We also FaceTime probably about 5 times a week. We'll both spend a week there to get him settled before I leave. My guy was a very intense and high needs infant (we now know about some food allergies which I'm sure played a part), and my husband especially could use a little vacation before we start again with another little one.

 

He's been away from me for full days a couple times in the last month, and he's been completely fine with it and wanted to go back the next day. I'm a tiny bit nervous about bed time, but I know they will work him hard during the day to make him tired. I also trust them that he won't be left alone if does get upset. He'll be snuggled by people he loves. If you would have asked me a couple years ago, I would have said that there's no way I would leave a two year old like I'm planning to, but with this particular child and these family members, I think it's going to go really well. They completely adore each other, and my son will have full days of activities. I'm a little afraid he won't want to go home.

 

OP, I certainly wouldn't let anyone talk you into something you're not comfortable with. Trusting your gut is almost always right about this sort of thing. Five is still very little.

[tabrizia]

Well the elder two were suppose to go this summer at 3 and 5. My Mom was going to fly up get them and fly back with them and I would have followed with the baby at the end of the week to take them home, or she would have flown them home, we hadn't decided which way to go before DS had his accident and my Mom came and took care of the younger 2 for 3 weeks instead.

 

That being said I don't think they are likely to go this summer at 4 and 6 due to minor issues with DS1.

 

If you are not comfortable with him going at his age it is fine to say no.

[Parrothead]

I would have done it at that age, but my dd wouldn't have.

 

I think it has to be the kid's choice in when he/she is ready. Some are ready sooner than others.

[jujsky]

ILs have been asking to take our kids away for 2 weeks since DS was 2. I held out until this past year, and then compromised at 10 days instead of 2 weeks. They were almost 8 and 9 at the time. 10 days was too long, so if they want to take them this year, I'm holding firm at 1 week.

 

Personally, I think 5 is too young. My mom started taking them at 5 for 4 days at a time, one state away, but I trust her. She is better at reading and listening to the kids and said as much as she'd like to take them for a week, she feels it's too much for them DD starts getting homesick and weepy.

[unsinkable]

I never would have been comfortable.

 

My parents died when I was a teenager so they aren't a factor.

 

ILs were very unresponsive to what children needed with their own kids based on stories from DH and his sibs. I wouldn't have been comfortable sending mine with them for a week. Maybe a couple hours at most, but they (ILs) never showed any interest.

[Laurie4b]

Questions: how well does your 5 year old know these grandparents? Do they make the drive to see him often? If he knows them well and if they are investing in him by driving to see you a few times a year, that would make me tilt toward the idea of him staying a week. If on the other hand, this is a way that is convenient for them to see him but they haven't been making the investment to get to know him, I'd wait.

 

The thing that is worrisome though is that if the plan doesn't work and it turns out that he really is very miserable (and some kids truly are), it will take you a day and a half to get him.

 

A possible "test run" would be to have the GPs come to you, pick him up, and take him on a short vacation nearby (within a couple hours) for a couple days. If that runs smoothly, then you'd have more confidence in letting him go for the week.

[vonfirmath]

With a grandparent that they knew well, saw several times a week, and were happy to do overnight's at Grandma's - age 4

For a grandparent that they hardly knew and saw only once every few years - age 12

 

 

They see the grandparents on Skype several times a year. No phone calls because that Grandpa can't seem to understand him on the phone (MY father doesn't seem to have a problem, even though DS's speaking is not completely clear! grrr)

The grandparents live a day and a half away by car, so overnights just won't work :( DS has seen them in person at least once a year since he was born though.

 

I am NOT willing to send him as an unaccompanied minor. That is one of the details that is not entirely clear. (and must be made clear before I'll agree to it). But after what I've read here I am leaning more favorably toward it IF the timing can work out better.

 

Age 5 for a week? No. Especially since it's so far that it would be hard to go get him if he was having troubles with it.

 

 

That's part of my concern. If they were in Dallas (4 hours away) I'd be happy to give it a test run and see how it went.

 

The email we got begging for this, basically, said NOT to ask DS because he couldn't make this kind of decision. (Basically gave unwanted parenting advice. Which did get my hackles up some though DH assures me it was directed toward him and was what needed to be said). And... he can't. But I don't know for sure which is the right decision. He COULD have a ball and love spending the time with them. When we are there, they do go on special day trips with him (take him out for a hike in the desert for a few hours, etc.) OTOH... they don't make any more effort to spend time with him ALL the time we are there like my parents do. I don't know if they really are ready to have a 5 year old on their own 24 hours a day. Or they will expect him to entertain himself for long periods of time... And maybe he could even do that without his parents hovering. I don't know.

 

Or he could be miserable. Are they willing to cut it short if he wants us? I don't know. And they only have cell phones so he's even have to ask one of them to call us if he wanted to talk to us! (And is too young and flighty to trust with a cellphone of his own.) I actually trust my MIL more than my FIL in this instances and I'm not sure about all the details yet. And yet... waiting for my husband to hammer them out is proving to be frustratingly slow.

[Katy]

In my family this would completely depend on which grandparent. But if your child wants to go, and if you trust them, I'd let him go.

[Just Kate]

For me? No...I wouldn't let my 5 year old go that far away from me for a week.

 

In my family, we are very close to my parents. Right now, we live in the same town. When ds was born, we lived three hours away. We have always spent lots of time with my parents. When ds was on 3 years old, he spent two weeks with my parents!!! I was getting ready to have dd and having two weeks to myself was heavenly.

 

On the other hand, my in-laws live 16 hours away. We typically see them annually, but it has been 2 1/2 years since we have seen them. My kids just don't KNOW them like they know my parents. While it has been mentioned, there is no way I would send either of my children (ages 8 and 5) to visit them without us present. Taking care of kids is hard work and I just don't know if they'd be able to handle it. So for now, when my children visit, so do I. I doubt my kiddos will ever visit alone.

[Incognito]

Depends on the kid, the grandparents, and their relationship. My DD has gone 5+ hours away with my ILs for a week at 5. My DS has done it for a few days at 4. BUT, I won't send both of them at once and I won't send my DS when other cousins will be around. I don't think it would go well.

 

For me, I decide if it is okay with me, THEN once that is okay I work on figuring out if it is okay with the child. I also consider if it is particularly important to anyone or beneficial to anyone. If it's just something to do, I don't say yes. It messes with their routines and their attitudes upon return are horrible.

 

My kids have done many closer one-night sleep overs with my ILs, so they are generally comfortable enough, I think. But they have said "no thank you" sometimes to those too.

[Reya]

5 was when we did a week.

[lexi]

My 3 1/2 year old is about to go visit grandparents for a week. But she is totally comfortable with them. It's driving distance. My parents are very active and involved so my kids enjoy the time with them. And I trust them. If it were my inlaws-no way! But it's up to you to decide if you and your child are comfortable with that.

[Lolly]

They see the grandparents on Skype several times a year. No phone calls because that Grandpa can't seem to understand him on the phone (MY father doesn't seem to have a problem, even though DS's speaking is not completely clear! grrr) The grandparents live a day and a half away by car, so overnights just won't work :( DS has seen them in person at least once a year since he was born though. I am NOT willing to send him as an unaccompanied minor. That is one of the details that is not entirely clear. (and must be made clear before I'll agree to it). But after what I've read here I am leaning more favorably toward it IF the timing can work out better. That's part of my concern. If they were in Dallas (4 hours away) I'd be happy to give it a test run and see how it went. The email we got begging for this, basically, said NOT to ask DS because he couldn't make this kind of decision. (Basically gave unwanted parenting advice. Which did get my hackles up some though DH assures me it was directed toward him and was what needed to be said). And... he can't. But I don't know for sure which is the right decision. He COULD have a ball and love spending the time with them. When we are there, they do go on special day trips with him (take him out for a hike in the desert for a few hours, etc.) OTOH... they don't make any more effort to spend time with him ALL the time we are there like my parents do. I don't know if they really are ready to have a 5 year old on their own 24 hours a day. Or they will expect him to entertain himself for long periods of time... And maybe he could even do that without his parents hovering. I don't know. Or he could be miserable. Are they willing to cut it short if he wants us? I don't know. And they only have cell phones so he's even have to ask one of them to call us if he wanted to talk to us! (And is too young and flighty to trust with a cellphone of his own.) I actually trust my MIL more than my FIL in this instances and I'm not sure about all the details yet. And yet... waiting for my husband to hammer them out is proving to be frustratingly slow.

 

Given this information, I would be more hesitant. Is there anyway you and dh could take a vacation closer to their house during that time? That way you would be more available to swoop by if it doesn't work out, or even just make the visit shorter. Travel with ds to their house, drop off the next day, travel a bit further for your vacation, vacation away from ds for 3 days, travel back to gp's to pick up, travel on home. It would make for a one week trip total. He would be with you for twice for 1 1/2 days, and with grandps for 3 whole and two half days.

[idnib]

DS spent a week with my parents when he was 5. DD went when she was 3, but DS went with her and he was 7.

 

If your parents are emotionally stable, the worst thing that can happen is boredom. Otherwise, it's not a big deal. Speaking as someone who had lost her last grandparent at age 13, I cherish the memories so much.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The fact that they said that it shouldn't be the child's decision would be a red flag for me. No, it shouldn't be his total decision but I do think a child can give input into how comfortable they are about something like this. And if that is their stance, will it also not be his decision at all if he then wants to call you or to go home from homesickness?

[Pippen]

I think it depends on the child and depends on the grandparents. I started going to my grandparent's a similar distance away when I was five and stayed with them for a month every summer. I also had cousins who lived very near them so I spend a lot of time there.

 

I got homesick sometimes but overall had a good time. The month was enough time to make friends to hang with while I was there each year.

[Kirsty]

My 12 year old has autism and we have been at my parents for 2 weeks. He wasn’t sure to stay longer (home is 16 hours away). He doesn’t stay anywhere gets home sick but thinks we don’t trust him to stay for a couple extra weeks while we go home. He wants to try and overcome homesickness as he doesn’t got o school camp for this reason. I was thinking of staying longer at my parents with him as my mum is worried he will want to come home after a couple of days and it’s a long way. It’s a hard one