Question about attitudes to marriage

[IsabelC]

So the question is about your views around sexual relationships other than between married couples. I'm wondering how many people form hopes or expectations for their children based on their own choices, and how many people take a different stance for their children than for themselves (either you were brought up with stricter, more traditional beliefs, but now take a less traditional stance, or you have moved in the opposite direction and/or don't want your kids to make the same mistakes you did). No need to comment unless you wish to elaborate, you can just anonymously answer the poll.

Edited October 1, 2012 by Hotdrink

[momma2three]

My parents lived together for almost a decade before they were married, DH and I lived together for years before we were married, and I will encourage my children to do the same.

[IsabelC]

I have to admit that for me, I'm still struggling to even imagine my kids being old enough to have partners or spouses, although my 7yo daughter tells me frequently that she intends to get married (she wants to have ten babies, and has decided that the father of these ten babies might be more supportive if she marries him).

[tex-mex]

Well, if memory serves me right...

 

- My mother was pregnant with my oldest sister and my folks got married about in the first trimester back in 1960. They divorced soon after I was born.

 

- My MIL was preganant with her oldest dd and they got married about in her first trimester back in 1956. FIL's parents were mortified not about the pregnancy... but the fact their son was marrying BELOW his social class. MIL was a poor girl from the "other side of the tracks". ;) They stayed married for 50 years 'til the day she died. But FIL was never happy in the marriage and had numerous affairs. He felt forced into marriage.

 

My mother was overprotective with being a single parent and three girls to raise. She never taught us sex ed. I learned what little about it from friends or books. I was never interested in dating while in junior/high school. I don't know about anyone else, but I had a blast as a young gal in college. I dated a few guys and had sex before marriage. I also had a couple of one night stands and we both were great about it days afterwards. There was one situation with a much older man that could have gone very badly -- but he surprised me and was a gentleman and never took advantage of me. Instead he treated me kindly and changed the seductive venue from his home to a public venue with dinner and a night out on the town. He never tried anything and drove me home and saw me to the door. I never saw him again -- if I did today, I'd thank him for his chivalry in a highly charged sexual atmosphere. He taught me the lesson of self-control, if anything.

 

My sister was very promiscuous and got pregnant at the age of 19. She was told by my mother to marry the fellow and it was a disasterous union. Her daughter (my niece) repeated the generational inquity of getting pregnant at age 19 with the father of the baby being in prison. They are not married at the moment. My BFF/cousin was pregnant at age 20 and was a single mom with 2 kids. I know of 2 girls in my high school class who ended up pregnant and it was a scandal.

 

Me? I used birth control as a result of seeing my family's woes and basically got it out of my system by the time I was ready to settle down. I'm not sure if my Aspergery nature allowed me to handle this delicate social moral with no emotional issues -- and was able to go into my marriage with no emotional baggage. Of course, being Aspergery, I was very honest with my husband to be about whom I slept with also. He shared his conquests to me as well and I was fine with it. Now we have been married 25 years and so far, everything is okie-dokie.

 

My son hopefully will fly out of our nest and learn to navigate the social waters. All I can do is trust in his decisions. I cannot control him. If he waits til marriage, great. If he comes home and tells me his girlfriend is pregnant -- I have to accept that with love and support. (Truthfully, my mother and MIL were in the same situation and back then... you HAD TO GET MARRIED if you fooled around and got pregnant.) But I would never force them to get married due to it. Personally, I'd be thrilled to be a grandmother regardless if the kids marry or stay friendly for the sake of the child.

 

I highly admire anyone who can abstain 'til marriage. I know I could not do that when I was younger. I cannot imagine how difficult it has to be for a young man in today's society/media. But honestly, we have had many young girls in society since the dawn of man get pregnant BEFORE marriage. Or be married by the time they are 12-13 in other cultures. It is difficult to control the flesh.

Edited October 1, 2012 by tex-mex

[Melissa in Australia]

I waited until I was married.My DH , who is 12 years older had girlfriends before we met. He was 32 when we got married.

I have told my children that I personally feel it is best to wait, But I am a realist, I know that thing do happen.

 

Of a family of 8, I and one brother were the only ones to wait, some are in long term relationships and haven't got married.

 

My mother had a shotgun marriage at 16.

Edited October 1, 2012 by melissaL

[SKL]

One thing to consider is that some people never do get married, or get married way past adolescence. So that being the case, my question would be, what is the rationale for "wait until marriage"? For a mature adult, is it a nice-to-have or is it really a major issue?

 

I'm about to turn 46 and have never been married (and I'm OK with that). I believed in "wait until marriage," but as I got older, more and more of the reasons for it got obsolete.

 

For my kids, I don't want them taking sex lightly or engaging in recreational sex as adolescents. I want them to be capable of a mature relationship before they venture into that territory. But I doubt it will upset me if they are 30 and I find out they've spent the night with their steady boyfriend.

[IsabelC]

I guess the answer to that would depend on whether people are following a religious ideal of chastity or not. I would assume that for a conservative Christian who believes that sex outside of marriage is wrong, if you get married at 50 you're supposed to stay a virgin until 50, is that right? Whereas if you don't have that religious guideline but simply don't want your 16yo to be hurt or taken advantage of by an older partner, then you'd be more concerned about maturity than matrimony, as you are.

Edited October 1, 2012 by Hotdrink

[Laura Corin]

Both my parents had relationships before they were married. I had several boyfriends and then lived with Husband for four years before we were married. Husband had relationships before his first marriage and between then and meeting me. I would prefer that my sons have some relationships before settling down.

 

I have two brothers and two sisters. Of the five of us, all had relationships before settling down. The record is:

 

Eldest brother: divorced

Second brother: married for decades

Me: married for decades

First sister: continuing ten-year relationship - pregnant

Second sister: married last year after ten years with (now) husband.

 

Not a bad record if one looks at the societal averages.

 

Laura

Edited October 1, 2012 by Laura Corin

[Joanne]

I did not wait. I don't regret not waiting for marriage, but I do regret some encounters.

 

I do not wait my children to wait until marrriage, but I'd like for them to make wise choices about when, where, with whom, and the circumstances under which they make intimacy choices.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Just something to think about...

 

When a man is married as a virgin, his divorce rate is 63 percent lower than a non-virgin. For women, it’s 76 percent lower.

 

 

I read somewhere that if the couple is a virgin to virgin marriage then the divorce rate is less than 1%. I can't remember, I will see if I can find the link.

[Chris in VA]

I want my children to wait. I don't care how old they are.

I'm not going to answer about my own life. :001_smile:

[Kathryn]

I didn't wait. I carry a huge amount of baggage that has almost destroyed our marriage several times. That, combined with the fact that I have boys, who would have no say in what happens should they impregnate someone, means I'll encourage them to wait.

[marbel]

I did not wait. I don't regret not waiting for marriage, but I do regret some encounters.

 

This is me.

 

I was married (stupidly) at 22, divorced by 24, and single till I I married (wisely) at 39. Some of the years in between were... nothing I'm proud of.

 

I voted that I would prefer that my kids wait. But I don't expect it to work out that way, and I surely would not want them to marry in haste as I did the first time. I do hope (and pray, actually) that they will be wise - that their dad I will help give them wisdom - about intimacy and not treat it as a pastime to be enjoyed whenever and with whomever comes along. I will advise them not to live together before marriage; I have seen too many disasters from that arrangement in my own family/circle of friends.

Edited October 1, 2012 by marbel

[KidsHappen]

I lived with and had relations with both of my husbands before I got married. When my oldest told me that they planned to wait for marriage, I was quite worried. What if they were not compatible in that way? That would have a major inpact on the survival of the marriage. I would prefer that they do have relations once they know that they relationship is serious and especially if they are engaged. I am not Christian by the way so that has no baring on my opinion.

[Carrie12345]

I don't want my kids to view marriage as a focused goal, so that may skew my opinions. I would very much love for them to discover happiness with another person and, sure, get married for life, but I don't like the idea of seeking a partner in the way one might seek a career or home or any other "this is what people do" goal.

 

With that in mind, I absolutely do not expect my hypothetical 27yo unmarried child to abstain from sex. In fact, I'd prefer they do that than settle for a mediocre partner at a young age.

And, no, I'm not saying settling if you're young is a given. I was very happy to have met the right person at 22.

[TheReader]

I would prefer that my kids not have casual, meaningless sex that is just to appease hormonal urges.

 

Thoughtful sex in a committed relationship would, I think, not bug me too much. The boys know that DH & I didn't wait until marriage, but that we did wait for each other, and that we consider sex as not something to be taken lightly. Hopefully they will enter into it with that mindset as well. Whether that's before or after the wedding night doesn't bother me or matter to me either way. It is more....wanting them to have a mature and responsible attitude towards it. At least for me.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Well, my kids have already proven they are not hubby and me. We were the kids you worry about, I guess.

I do think it makes a difference in several areas of marriage (as well as to the individual); and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, especially not my kids.

 

*I* believe strongly that sex before marriage is wrong and problematic. My hubby is glad my kids have waited this long. I think he also believes that it should be within a healthy relationship, not done casually. My big kids (aaack! basically grown!) believe in sex within the marriage relationship. My daughter has absolutely no interest in sex or the opposite gender though. My son has a major interest in two sisters, particularly one. Neither is allowed to speak to him lest they get any further ideas (the interest was both ways). All three believe in waiting until marriage. My littles are clueless on any of this and we will have additional issues of consideration with them. Our biggest issue is not to make it SHAMEFUL, but instead teach that Sex is natural, good, and healthy in a stable, mature, safe and healthy relationship.

 

I wish I had better understood as a teen. I wish I had made better choices as a teen.

I wish hubby had also. I know he wishes he had too!

I am glad my children have done better than we did.

I hope they continue for themselves, their futures, and their relationship with God.

Edited October 1, 2012 by 2J5M9K

[Ipsey]

I was a virgin on my wedding night.

I don't care whether my children are or not, beyond the fact that I hope they make wise sexual choices, to be healthy, to be with someone who they trust. I also hope they will be intentional about sex, and that they will choose to make it meaningful. I don't think it takes marriage for those things.

And I think that, in some cases, making marriage a requirement for sex can push some people into marriage for the sake of their hormones. I definitely saw that when I was in the ministry, and though you try to caution against it. . . hormones are pretty adamant.

[Cera]

Just something to think about...

 

When a man is married as a virgin, his divorce rate is 63 percent lower than a non-virgin. For women, it’s 76 percent lower.

 

 

I read somewhere that if the couple is a virgin to virgin marriage then the divorce rate is less than 1%. I can't remember, I will see if I can find the link.

 

Correlation does not imply causation. I would bet that it has very little to do with their virginity itself and quite a lot to do with the beliefs about marriage that many people waiting for marriage hold.

[abbeyej]

I can't even respond to this. My views on sex prior to marriage and sex "outside of marriage" are pretty different. To say the least.

[Joanne]

Just something to think about...

 

When a man is married as a virgin, his divorce rate is 63 percent lower than a non-virgin. For women, it’s 76 percent lower.

 

 

I read somewhere that if the couple is a virgin to virgin marriage then the divorce rate is less than 1%. I can't remember, I will see if I can find the link.

 

:glare: I'm not inclined to believe these stats as given. I would have to know the sampling demographic, the study commissioning organization, the background of the interpreting body.

 

Length of marriage/lack of divorce is not compelling to me in terms of evaluating quality of life, "stability", or quality of marriage. Having a good marriage is not defined by "not divorced".

 

To me, divorce and marriage, in a rich lived experienced definition, are not defined by paper but in the state of relationship. My first marriage was divorced long before the judge stamped it.

[HomeschoolMamaOfTwo]

I don't know what my parents did. We lived together before getting married and I don't regret it. I don't mind if my children do the same or if they have sexual partners before getting married. I do want them to be educated in the risks of having sex and prepare them of the potential results of their actions but what they choose to do is up to them.

[edelweiss]

I didn't wait until I was married, but I did wait until I was 21 and in a committed relationship. I married my first and only partner, so it all worked out well. :001_smile:

 

I don't have any expectation of my daughters waiting until marriage. I hope that they won't marry young, so I can't expect that they'll wait for sex. I do hope (and will encourage) that they wait until college at least and that they only have sex in a committed relationship.

[DawnM]

We both waited. I expect my children to wait. It isn't a "we prefer" it is an expectation. I realize I am in the minority, but we are Christians and we believe the Bible is clear on this issue for a reason.

Edited October 1, 2012 by DawnM

[Lady Florida.]

:glare: I'm not inclined to believe these stats as given. I would have to know the sampling demographic, the study commissioning organization, the background of the interpreting body.

 

 

Also, the stats are self-reported. There is no way to verify whether or not they really were virgins when they married.

[Jennifer3141]

DH and I both had sex before we were married and we hope to Saturn our kids do too. We don't necessarily want to hear about it and they need to wait until they are no longer kids obviously, but we would be incredibly disappointed if our children married early without any good adventures and long educations under their own belts.

[Rhonda in TX]

I waited until marriage. DH didn't, but he also was not a Christian before we met. We both want our children to wait. DH wishes he had.

 

Both my parents waited. At least, I know my mom did. I assume my dad did, but I've never talked to him about it. They were happily married until Mom passed away in 2004. Dad remarried a couple of years later and yes, they did wait. That's a conversation I would prefer to not think about too much. :)

 

MIL was pregnant with DH when she married FIL, but they were already planning on marrying. It just moved the date up. Both were in college at the time. They are still married.

 

I have quite a few Christian friends who did not wait until they married. Some only had sex with their future spouse. Others were more promiscuous. They all want their kids to wait.

[SKL]

We both waited. I expect my children to wait. It isn't a "we prefer" it is an expectation. I realize I am in the minority, but we are Christians and we believe the Bible is clear on this issue for a reason.

 

Just curious - as a person raised in the Lutheran faith and having read the Bible a number of times - where does the Bible say that if a person is not legally married, s/he must remain a virgin until death?

 

I think it's hard to find this type of guidance in the Bible because when it was written, "respectable" women needed to be married for economic and social reasons. (That said, there were harlots who were treated with respect in the Bible.)

 

The only verse that seems to come close is the one that says that if a man lies with a woman, he's married to her. In my interpretation, that was to protect the woman.

 

Obviously when a married person has sex with someone outside the marriage, that is pretty clear cut.

[Juniper]

I really do not know how to answer. I did not wait, but didn't really take any baggage in either. I was raised with a rather liberal approach to sexuality, but a healthy view of myself as it related to sex. Dh did wait and he has had a really difficult time overcoming perceived "sexual shame" our entire marriage. It has really wreaked havoc with us and is one of the area's that has contributed to my thoughts of separation.

 

That said, dh is a fighter, and once he was aware, he really went to work on dealing with this area of his life.

 

I do not want my children to deal with the baggage dh has had, as a result of the whole purity, courtship, no sex until marriage enviroment (home and church) that he was raised in.

 

Neither do I desire to raise unhealthy nymphomaniacs. ;)

[Wheres Toto]

Correlation does not imply causation. I would bet that it has very little to do with their virginity itself and quite a lot to do with the beliefs about marriage that many people waiting for marriage hold.

 

:glare: I'm not inclined to believe these stats as given. I would have to know the sampling demographic, the study commissioning organization, the background of the interpreting body.

 

Length of marriage/lack of divorce is not compelling to me in terms of evaluating quality of life, "stability", or quality of marriage. Having a good marriage is not defined by "not divorced".

 

To me, divorce and marriage, in a rich lived experienced definition, are not defined by paper but in the state of relationship. My first marriage was divorced long before the judge stamped it.

 

:iagree: with both of these, especially the bolded.:glare:

My brother and his wife were both waited until marriage. They've been married over 20 years but it is not a happy one.

 

Dh was 48 when we married so certainly didn't wait. :lol: I had been previously married (too young and for too long) and had other relationships before and between. Some good, some bad. I don't expect my kids to wait until marriage. I would prefer my kids to have a certain degree of maturity and independence before they marry so that may mean they are in their mid-20's or even older.

 

I find it interesting that people talk about needing maturity before having premarital relationships, but don't have a problem with marrying young.

[Jennifer3141]

I find it interesting that people talk about needing maturity before having premarital relationships, but don't have a problem with marrying young.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

PLEASE come to me with a bad one night stand story over a, "We got married in Vegas!!" story ANY day, dear children.

[MeaganS]

DH and I waited, and I believe that both of our parents did too. It is a major part of our religious beliefs, so I would be crushed if our children didn't.

 

ETA: And my dh and I, and our parents were all married before 23 years old and we're all still together with no divorces and happy marriages. (I'm saying this because I hate it when people talk about it being dumb to get married young. Any sweeping generalization like that is frustrating.)

Edited October 1, 2012 by MeaganS

[Retired]

both my dh and I had previous sexual experience with others and each other before marriage

 

I have a messed up dysfunctional upbringing. I had sex way before I was ready for the emotional ramifications. It messed me up. I have shared my experience with my teen boys.

 

I wish that I would of waited till adult hood for sex. I personally wish that I would of waited till the perfect man came into my life. It wasn't' my dh cause when we dated and married. He was screwed up as I was. We have grown and healed together 22 years of marriage.

 

I tell my boys that as a Christian I wish they would pray for a future spouse, pray about keeping strong and not falling into sexual sin.

 

But I also tell them that sex is a natural and should be beautiful between two people and its not the end of the world and they aren't condemn to hell if if happens before marriage.

 

My only real concern is they wait until adults. When consider a adult someone who can financially support himself.

 

I do not believe someone should be having sex if their parents are still supporting them and paying the bills.

[elegantlion]

Neither dh nor I waited. I have no regrets. He had lived with someone previously, I had been married previously, and those were not our first encounters. My mother had openly talked about her choices before marriage and I had some of the same attitude, I made a choice with no regret at the time. I also didn't make that choice with everyone that asked, if you get my meaning.

 

I would hope ds would wait for a relationship - not necessarily marriage. I would have no problem if he chose to live with someone prior to marriage, I would rather than and find out he is truly not compatible (in all ares) with someone than deal with a bad marriage.

 

I have conflict with some of the attitude I've seen around me in real life. 1. Humans are biological creatures, we pro-create, we have hormones - I've seen people try to shame others because they have feelings. 2. Okay, we'll acknowledge that you have urges and hormones, but you can't Mast**bate or your hand will fall off (heard that one as a kid) 3. Can't have sex before marriage and can't Mast--bate. 4. Must marry if you happen to have sex outside of marriage, god forbid if you get her pregnant - marry her or else! (seen that too) 5. Marriage doesn't work out because all they had were lustful thoughts - shunned by community because of divorce (knows they never should have got married, but felt forced into it).

 

Ideally I'd like ds to not marry until those initial relational starry-eyed days of wonder wears off. I want him to be objective enough to see the whole of the relationship and feel committed enough to work through anything with this person and hopefully have them feel the same. Maybe that takes 3 weeks, maybe 3 months, 3 years or 5 years.

[Unicorn.]

My 14 yo informed me that she will never have kids, because she knows what you have to do to make them, and "that's just gross!" So I'm going along w/ that! :lol:

[SailorMom]

DH and I were married at 18 and 19 - and we're better than ever (almost our 20th). I have only ever been with him, and I'm glad..... But - it wasn't as if that was some plan I had. I took it very seriously, but doubt I would have waited for marriage if I hadn't met DH.

I get that even then (in the 1990's) that was rare/unrealistic. I would prefer my kids truly love and respect someone they have sex with, that they take it seriously and don't have a casual attitude about it. I hope that the number of partners is low, lol. I hope they don't start in high school. However, I really don't expect them to wait until marriage. Unless they did what DH and I did, and met at 16, married so young, etc., it just isn't realistic in my opinion.

As for living with someone first.... well - statistically it isn't a good idea. People who have lived together before marriage have a higher divorce rate. But - statistics can be so unreliable. I guess living with someone doesn't make a lot of sense to me? But - I don't judge people who do - it just wouldn't have been my thing. I also don't think living with someone first is any sort of window into being married to someone in a LOT of cases.....

ETA - I didn't vote on the poll - because although I don't have the expectation that they'll wait - of course it 'concerns me' how my kids live their lives, and whom they love. So - the wording stopped me from voting.

Edited October 1, 2012 by SailorMom

[The Girls' Mom]

I was in a very different place when dh and I got married. My standards then are not my standards now. I was not a Christian then. I was not raised as one.

 

My girls, on the other hand, have been raised very differently and I hope that they hold to the Christian standards for marriage that they have been taught.

[Karen in CO]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

PLEASE come to me with a bad one night stand story over a, "We got married in Vegas!!" story ANY day, dear children.

 

:001_huh:Hey, I got married in Vegas.

[MedicMom]

Both waited. And we were 28 and 25 with lots of education under our belts. It us not an impossible standard. My SIL is 31 with several degrees and I know she is a virgin. We simply believe that s*x is something special that is meant to be shared with your husband/wife.

And yes, we do expect our children to wait and to not marry until they are older. In the ens, though, it is their decision to make.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

.

[Impish]

I was a seriously, emotionally screwed up kid/teen. Not a big surprise, considering the abuse I was raised in.

 

Not to get into details, but I believed my only value to anyone was in bed, and that s*x = love. That it was the only way anyone would care about me.

 

So, I really pray that I raise my kids better than that. I don't want them repeating my mistakes. Yes, I would *absolutely* prefer that they waited until marriage, and will encourage them to do so.

 

(No, I'm not saying that anyone/everyone who has premarital s*x has the same thinking I did. Just saying that's what was in *my* head, and if nothing else, I pray that if I only get ONE thing right in this parenting gig, it's that my kids value themselves better than that)

[tabrizia]

I didn't wait until I was married, but I did wait until I was 21 and in a committed relationship. I married my first and only partner, so it all worked out well. :001_smile:

 

I don't have any expectation of my daughters waiting until marriage. I hope that they won't marry young, so I can't expect that they'll wait for sex. I do hope (and will encourage) that they wait until college at least and that they only have sex in a committed relationship.

 

:iagree:, but change 21 to 19.

 

And change daughters to daughter and sons. Really I hope that my kids are in a committed relationship before engaging in sexual relations, but I really don't care if they wait till they are married or not. I would prefer that they are old enough to understand the ramifications of sex and are in a strong relationship. I am not overly concerned about them waiting till they are married though.

[beaners]

Just something to think about...

 

When a man is married as a virgin, his divorce rate is 63 percent lower than a non-virgin. For women, it’s 76 percent lower.

 

 

I read somewhere that if the couple is a virgin to virgin marriage then the divorce rate is less than 1%. I can't remember, I will see if I can find the link.

 

Either my mother lied to me, or my parents were part of that very small percent.

[mommymilkies]

 

For my kids, I don't want them taking sex lightly or engaging in recreational sex as adolescents. I want them to be capable of a mature relationship before they venture into that territory. But I doubt it will upset me if they are 30 and I find out they've spent the night with their steady boyfriend.

 

:iagree: as long as they are adults and being responsible, I don't care. I will not recommend they marry before living together, though. Better to learn early that their snoring will drive you to murder before you're legally attached. :lol:

[catz]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

PLEASE come to me with a bad one night stand story over a, "We got married in Vegas!!" story ANY day, dear children.

 

:iagree: (and ftr - no problem with marrying in Vegas as long as it was a PLANNED wedding!)

 

I didn't wait, although I was 20 before I had a relationship that was long term and committed enough to do it and I felt we were mature enough. Every partner I had (give one regret, and even that experience was a learning one) was a committed long term relationship that did not work out for one reason or another. I married at 29. I have no regrets. My husband married young and divorced (no children involved).

[SailorMom]

My parents both waited - and had a rocky marriage until they separated after 27 years of marriage....

I know the statistics say what they say - but, I don't think it's as simple as all that.....

[GWOB]

Even though my parents were rather, um, free with their bodies, and even though I was 1 1/2 when my parents got married, I was raised to think of sexual sin (like doing anything at all before marriage) was the worst thing you could possibly do. I still have issues.

 

Now, while I was too scared of going to he!! to sleep around, I did have a pretty reasonable way to measure if someone was worth the risk. My cool aunt told me to never sleep with anyone I couldn't imagine being a father to my child. Accidents happen.

 

I waited until I was 18 and out of the house to have sex. My dh was my first, but not the only. We broke up a couple of times before we got back together for good. I got pregnant before we were married and was made to feel like the Great Whore of Babylon.

 

Now, as a Christian, it would be nice if my kids waited, but I'm not making any bets. I just don't think sexual sins are any worse than other sins. I want my kids to have a realistic view of sex. I do think it should be special. I want them to respect their bodies and the bodies of other people. I want them to choose wisely, not just whoever has the right equipment. I want them to be aware that even though every pill has been taken or everyone is wearing the right things, you can still make a baby, so you had better at least like your partner.

 

I honestly think too many Christians make virginity an idol, and we know what the Bible says about idols. It seems as though people focus more on the pure body than the pure heart. I'm raising my kids to be kind, compassionate, loving, caring, and forgiving people. That's what Jesus was about. I seriously doubt that having sex before marriage will ruin their Christian lives forever.

[Trish]

The disconnect for me is that it seems like the entire culture says sex outside marriage is okay (at least for adults), whereas for Catholics it's still a mortal sin. It's one of those "am I crazy, or is the world crazy?" things that I just sort of have to ignore. :)

[marbel]

The disconnect for me is that it seems like the entire culture says sex outside marriage is okay (at least for adults), whereas for Catholics it's still a mortal sin. It's one of those "am I crazy, or is the world crazy?" things that I just sort of have to ignore. :)

 

I'm not Catholic, but I do get you on that.

 

I find there are so many ways we run against the culture anyway; what's one more?

[LisaKinVA]

I can't control what my kids eventually choose to do in this regard. I can teach them, and explain to them why dh and I believe what we do...but in the end it's going to be their choice.

 

We are going well beyond the, "If you want to do anything other than kiss a boy, you'd better be married" instruction of my grandfather to my mother...and also not going the terrify them about the consequences aspect. We have thus far been very factual, presenting our reasons of why to wait, but also helping them develop a sense of s*x being special...and that it starts to lose some of that special-ness if it's something you do with anyone for any reason.

 

DS is going through the book Finding the Love of Your Life with oldest DS right now, we plan to revisit this book at least 2 times before he leaves the nest (among other things). We will encourage him to wait to really date until he's ready to consider marriage, and if he is ready to consider marriage at a young age, support that marriage (and finishing school/career training) any way we can, including allowing the couple to live with us, if they need to do so.

 

I don't expect this to be an issue with our oldest two...they are both pretty level-headed, serious kids who can focus on goals to the exclusion of anything else. My next two...all bets are OFF. :tongue_smilie: