Question about attitudes to marriage

[Joanne]

There wasn't an option for didn't wait, then chose to wait later. :) I want my kids to wait until they are married, for religious reasons and I believe there are numerous benefits as well. Given my first daughter's dad (my ex) is not religious in the slightest, I can't be unrealistic thinking she will only have my values that I've attained in the last 5 years.

 

I really do think there needs to be more importance put on making smart choices and who you have sex with. I think the casual attitude about it all ("Let's have sex and see if we like each other later") can lead to unfortunate circumstances.

 

See, I really don't see many people (or any, for that matter) who have the bolded attitude. I certainly don't see people in any multitude teaching it to teens or young adults.

 

People, in mass, may not endorse a traditional Christian "wait until marriage" but I see many and most parents advocating caution and maturity.

 

I think there is lots of importance on smart choices but that teens have the same biology they always have - from back when they married and had lots of sex. ;)

[LucyStoner]

I think there is some irony in the fact that the largest number of those who took this survey say they didn't wait but they want their kids to.

 

I know someone who was kicked out of college (Christian) for sleeping with her fiancé and they admit to having been sexually active in high school with each other yet they both insist their kids must wait. They didn't even hit college as virgins. Strikes me the wrong way, especially when they say "no dating till age 35" type jokes. I understand advocating for waiting, but IMO demanding it or being judgmental about it when they did not is too much. IME, the kids most likely to wait are the ones whose parents are honest and refrain from making demands about it.

[KarenNC]

Haven't read all the replies, but I voted "other" because I want my child to wait until she is an adult and in a committed relationship, with the financial, emotional and physical resources to deal with any consequences of sex (such as pregnancy, as no method of birth control other than a 10 foot pole is 100% effective ;)). To me, this is very, very different than saying either "it doesn't concern me if she has sex outside of marriage" OR "I would prefer my child waited for marriage." I was taught "wait until marriage," but my experience was the above.

[MollyAnn]

I didn't wait for marriage and I don't regret that decision. I do regret some of the situations I put myself in in regards to sex and those situations have caused some baggage that I try to work through.

 

I don't want my kids to wait till marriage. I do hope they avoid the mistakes I made and wait till a good relationship where they love and are loved. I would prefer they be graduated from HS.

[Liz CA]

And there is the issue of self control.

[TranquilMind]

WendyAndMilo: Why is that ironic? Some people actually do learn from their mistakes and hope their children won't make the same ones.

 

 

I agree. I don't see it as ironic at all. I also don't want my kids to make a left turn from a middle lane (not knowing a bus lane was to my left) when I started driving either. Or speed up to change lanes to get away from a moron on my tail on the highway, only to find out he is driving an unmarked police car (lost that court battle). Or get into a car with an unknown man who said he would drive me home in an ice storm. Or sneak out to meet an older man and be taken to his apartment. Or....well, you get the idea. Not that I personally ever did any of this stuff, of course...

 

Also, the poll specifically said "prefer children to wait". Please don't group the rest of us in with your friends who are judgmental and demanding.

 

 

Right. It would be to their abject benefit if they listen to us. To avoid nasty disease and unwanted pregnancy is just a bonus.

 

It can't be demanded of them anyway. We aren't there when things start happening. It has to be a decision on the part of the kid/young adult.

[TranquilMind]

Laura Corin: My parents were born in 1924 and 1930 respectively. They didn't marry until 1955. Both had had other sexual relationships before they married. They didn't live together before marriage, but I don't think we should assume that pre-marital sex began in the 1960s.

 

 

Similar ages, and mine did not have sex. Don't know what my Dad did before, but I know my Mom didn't and couldn't imagine it. It just "wasn't done" in her world.

 

When my parents split up in around 1974, my father's new girlfriend moved in with him. In his circle, this was not unusual.

 

Bet that was upsetting for you. And yeah, similar experience here. And it did not end well.

[Laura Corin]

And yeah, similar experience here. And it did not end well.

 

They were together for around thirty years, had two children and the union (later a marriage) only ended with my father's death.

 

Laura

[LucyStoner]

Why is that ironic? Some people actually do learn from their mistakes and hope their children won't make the same ones.

 

Also, the poll specifically said "prefer children to wait". Please don't group the rest of us in with your friends who are judgmental and demanding.

 

 

That's fair. I should not have generalized like that. It's a big ol leap. Still when most don't wait and a plurality want their kids to wait, I do personally see a little humor.

 

60+% of this poll didn't wait. Regardless of what any of us prefer, it is highly unlikely that all but a minority of our kids will abstain until marriage. I also assume many/most folks don't want their kids marrying really young. I think that when we consider biology a mistake and have a culture that all but demands marriage be delayed until fairly far after sexual desire starts, we have to do the math and be honest. I also think that more people are willing or even able to wait until adulthood than marriage. Many people do not share a value of marriage only.

[Sara in AZ]

Well this thread has been discouraging. Not only do I expect my children to wait, I also expect their future spouses to wait. Are there really that few of us left in the world?

[Crimson Wife]

Well this thread has been discouraging. Not only do I expect my children to wait, I also expect their future spouses to wait. Are there really that few of us left in the world?

 

Unfortunately, only about 5% of brides are virgins (not sure about grooms).

[Ipsey]

Well this thread has been discouraging. Not only do I expect my children to wait, I also expect their future spouses to wait. Are there really that few of us left in the world?

 

I don't know, but I expect that you'd better turn a blind eye to your childrens' future spouses. Unless you intend to question them (future spouses) thoroughly on the matter, it's probably best that you not make such expectations.

 

It should be more an issue to your children--if that's going to be the deciding factor.

 

If they don't want to marry a non-virgin, and virginity is an expectation, they may be shucking the man/woman they truly love and want to be with.

 

I married as a virgin, to a non-virgin. We were Christians at the time, and I really didn't have any hard feelings about it. I knew I loved him and that we were the only ones for each other from then on out.

 

However, if I had expected that he would have "waited" for me (though he wasn't a Christian growing up) or that I had some sort of demands on his body and choices before we even met--I suppose that might have been weird.

 

I did say once to my mother, when I was in high school, that I hoped my husband would be a virgin when we got married. She said, "good luck." :)

 

By the time I'd met my husband, I was glad I had grown out of virginity being deal-breaker.

 

ETA: Not to mention the fact that I know, personally, two girls who were raped and impregnated in high school (one adopted out, the other raised the child). If their future husbands (husbands' families, etc.) had even looked askance at that, I'd say the women were too good for them.

Edited October 2, 2012 by Ipsey

[NotSoObvious]

This is interesting. My husband and I waited and in a perfect world it would be nice if my dds did too.

However, we also got married young and I don't necessarily want that for my girls unless a wonderful situation presents itself. I have no regrets about how we got married, but we were lucky that it all worked out.

 

I guess I just want them to be happy and not have too many regrets. I definitely don't want them sexually active in high school, by any means, but I don't believe that making good decisions always has to end with being a virgin at marriage. It worked for me, but it might. Not be the right choice for them.

 

No religious expectations here, fwiw.

[8circles]

I think there is some irony in the fact that the largest number of those who took this survey say they didn't wait but they want their kids to.

 

I know someone who was kicked out of college (Christian) for sleeping with her fiancé and they admit to having been sexually active in high school with each other yet they both insist their kids must wait. They didn't even hit college as virgins. Strikes me the wrong way, especially when they say "no dating till age 35" type jokes. I understand advocating for waiting, but IMO demanding it or being judgmental about it when they did not is too much. IME, the kids most likely to wait are the ones whose parents are honest and refrain from making demands about it.

 

Don't read that survey point so strongly, I voted that I didn't wait but would prefer that my children did but I don't fall into the category that you think. I just couldn't vote the one about not being concerned if they do, because I do care about that. I hope they are ready for that kind of intimacy & make a good choice in who that person is, whether or not they end-up married or whatnot. I would PREFER that the person they choose at least end-up being their marriage partner and that it turns out well - however that's defined. Maybe I should have voted the other choice but I didn't like that wording.

[StaceyinLA]

In regards to the older folk - I always thought/assumed my parents had waited. My mom certainly never talked to any of us about anything (SUPER modest), but always gave the impression that she had waited.

 

Come to find out when going through some papers for her, I came across her marriage license. She was actually pregnant with my oldest sister when she and my dad married. He was born in 1927, she in 1928. They were married until his death in 1995. I don't think she was the only one of her siblings that was active before marriage, though I do NOT think she has ever been proud of it (in fact, she has never told any of her children the truth).

 

There are 6 of us children in my family. All but one were active before marriage. Two were pregnant when they got married (one at 19yo, one at 21 or 22yo). Both of them were only active with the ones that got them pg and that they married. Of those two, one couple divorced after 15 years (he was unfaithful more than once), and one has been married 40 years.

 

Of the other three that were active before marriage (myself included), one has been married 35 years, one has been married 38 years, and one (me) has been divorced (my dh was unfaithful and abusive, and left me while pg with child #4).

 

All this is to say that I just don't think there are any guarantees. My parents (active before marriage, even when it was more "frowned" upon) were married 45 years. In addition, out of 5 sexually active before marriage kids, 2 divorced (both due to the spouses' unfaithfulness), but 3 have had 35+ year marriages.

 

I think so much of it is about attitudes regarding commitment. You have to be willing to work through the hard times.

 

I may not be perfect parent with perfect advice, but I have told my kids that marriage is not about finding the person you can live WITH for the rest of your life (because, let's face it, NO ONE is easy to live WITH all the time), but finding the person you cannot live WITHOUT.

[tex-mex]

 

Paraphrased: Sex can be good and fun, but I think it's best in the context of a committed relationship where you are loved and treated well and can return those feelings. You have to decide on your own what you think.

 

Your sex life is not my business, but if you need to talk come to me. Please, please, please come to me if you need help getting birth control. I won't be angry or try to talk you out of your decision, but sex does require maturity. Take care of yourself.

 

You don't believe in abortion and that's...fine. I think you're wrong, but remember then that any man you have sex with is someone you could potentially be tied to for 18+ years. Be wise. Be careful.

 

You don't owe sex to anyone who thinks you do. It's always YOUR choice.

 

Please don't make me a grandmother before you graduate high school. I love you. Are we done? Any questions? OK, I need a drink.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Bluegoat]

That's fair. I should not have generalized like that. It's a big ol leap. Still when most don't wait and a plurality want their kids to wait, I do personally see a little humor.

 

60+% of this poll didn't wait. Regardless of what any of us prefer, it is highly unlikely that all but a minority of our kids will abstain until marriage. I also assume many/most folks don't want their kids marrying really young. I think that when we consider biology a mistake and have a culture that all but demands marriage be delayed until fairly far after sexual desire starts, we have to do the math and be honest. I also think that more people are willing or even able to wait until adulthood than marriage. Many people do not share a value of marriage only.

 

I think it's possible to see something as an ideal, but also be realistic about what kind of obstacles are in the way of achiving it. Even when sex outside of marriage was frowned upon, it was hugely common, that's a pretty clear fact. Sex is a really powerful drive, and teens aren't always the best decision makers even when they have a particular ideal, and older people sometimes make compromises with their own ideals for all kinds of reasons. When many people can't resist a chocolate bar in the candy aisle, it is not so strange that they also fail to live up to their own ideals regarding sex.

 

And that's true of our kids and ourselves.

 

But I think that is quite different from teaching your kids about sexuality and how you think it should be used. I teach my kids that too many chocolate bars are not a good thing, even though I am a sucker for chocolate bars and I won't be shocked if they occasionally over-indulge as well. I hope they don't and I really hope they don't hoard the things.