Would you be hurt or offended if your children chose to live far away?

[FaithManor]

No! They'll need to follow their jobs wherever they can get them. Michigan is a horrible lack of employment state. I'd be shocked, bowl me over shocked, if they were able to stay in this state or even wanted to...except for being really beautiful (Great Lakes, Sleeping Bear Dunes, National Forests, etc.) and property currently very cheap, this state doesn't have much going for it and won't for many years to come unless there is radical change.

 

I expect they'll end up living on the eastern seaboard where the economy is better or even Texas...Midwest - NOPE! OH, and the Aerospace boy that hopes to attend MIT, he's quite likely to end up in Huntsville or D.C.

 

Faith

[chepyl]

I would be sad and I would miss them, but I know that moving away for the first few years of pur marriage was very good for dh and I. We moved home because we could, but sometimes work takes you far away. Being 6 hours away helped us develop an independence that some other people I know never developed.

[LibraryLover]

Take offense? No at all. I want them to have such experiences.

[Hannah]

I'm expecting that my girls will probably end up living overseas. My siblings and I live on four continents.

 

Part of our retirement planning already includes saving for overseas trips!

[gardenmom5]

 

Would you feel slighted if your adult child moved away?

no.

[HappyCrazyMama]

I don't think I would.

 

But, I moved along with my parents when I was 23 years old, and I've lived close to them ever since. I absolutely love being close to family, so depending on where all of the kids end up, I'd consider moving to be closer to them.

 

This is a lovely idea but with six kids I don't know if they will all end up in one spot.;) I also like the idea of the grand kids coming to the farm.:D

[3browneyedboys4me]

No. Never! I'm not one for the whole guilt thing. In my heart, I would be so sad. I am still trying to adjust to summer camps. ;) But, that is my deal and I will work through the whole empty nest thing when the time comes.

 

I think it's only natural for children to be adventurous and find their own way. I only want the best for them. Wherever that may be! :001_smile:

[AK_Mom4]

Definitely not. Oldest DS will be going wherever the Air Force sends him. DD18 is heading off to college 1500 miles from home. DS16 is already talking about colleges far, far away.

 

The only one likely to stick around here for college is DD11 and that's only because she will probably start there when she's 16 or so.....

 

I am looking forward to the kids living in nice locations so I can take regular vacations visiting them!

[QueenCat]

No. We don't live near our families. They are 12 hours away, in opposite directions. Mine would love to have us near them but understand that dh doesn't have serious career prospects in their area. And the cost of living is so much higher there, that I would have not had the choice to stay at home when the kids were little, or to come back home when we made the decision to homeschool. They are glad we had those choices.

[Mom in High Heels]

Nope. They need to live their lives, just as we have lived ours. I'd hope they would want to come home for visits and/or have us visit them though. I'll miss them of course, but I want to raise them to do what's right for them not me. As Indy still plans on being an archaeologist (he's wanted to be one for 6 years now, so it could happen), I don't think he'd be living next door.

 

My mom is constantly going on about how we live far away and need to move close to them and it drives me nuts. There is no military post near them, there are no jobs in that area in James Bond's career field when he eventually retires and neither JB or I ever, ever want to live there again. If we hadn't moved away from the area (both our families live near each other), we'd probably have divorced by now. Sad, but true. The funny thing is that my mom was a Navy wife for 28 years (JB was not in the army when we got married) and knows where we are stationed is not up to us. We can request a certain post, but in the end we go where the army sends us.

 

My boys have to do what they have to do, whether it's next door or half way around the world.

[creekland]

We have always encouraged our boys to think of themselves as world citizens, not any particular place. At the moment, two of mine - possibly all three - are considering living overseas - but not in other developed countries...

 

I look forward to visits - wherever they land. We only settled down to give them a stablity growing up... that's almost over (2 years left)... and hubby and I plan to go back on the road afterward (God willing). I enjoyed raising the boys here and can't think of any other place I'd have rather raised them, but I'm ready to move on.

 

I currently live 8 hours from my folks. We used to live 3 days drive away.

 

I don't even want my kids going to college too close to home... oldest is 12 hours away and middle will be 5 1/2.

[TranquilMind]

This is a spin-off on the thread (s) about family members pressuring us to move closer, live closer, not move away, etc. My parents have never accepted that we chose to live 6 hours from them. It's for many reasons, most having nothing to do with our relationship.

 

We live about 6 hours drive from my parents, and have no family locally. I found this difficult and sad at times when my kids were small, even while I appreciated having some distance from the drama. I'm close to my family, but it's what you might call, "conditional closeness." Not all subjects are open to discussion. We disagree about some issues and disagreement is not welcomed or respected.

 

I like to think I wouldn't take it personally if my kids chose to live far away. I know there are many reasons they might choose to that are not a referendum on our relationship. OTOH, I like to believe we are closer than dh and I are to our parents. My eldest is just starting college this fall-so it's a chance for us both to try out being separated from each other.

 

Would you feel slighted if your adult child moved away?

I'm an older parent, whose parents are gone, and I only have 2 kids. I hope I live near them when they are on their own. But I can't control how their lives go. We could always move though. We have no ties in this area now except spouse's job.

[SpecialClassical]

I would love to have my children near and have made it clear that they will have free babysitting! However, I will support them wherever they go and will do my best to stay connected.

 

My MIL tries to be okay with us living away (2 hours), but she has made it clear that she feels disconnected. Her other 2 children live very near her. But the fact is, this is where the jobs are and my husband has a solid one. My brother-in-law could have tried getting into my husband's company, but they would not consider moving. They have a very low income and it was hard for me to understand why they wouldn't at least try to get a job here. Everyone's thoughts and priorities are different.

[Ibbygirl]

I don't think I would take it personally unless they specifically told me they were moving to get away from me. I would probably wind up moving closer to them though. :D Neither hell nor high water is going to keep me away from my grandbabies when I get them. :D

[FairyMom]

Well, if they decided to move far away, I would miss them terribly. I would hope when they had children, we could live nearby. However, whatever their decision, I would completely respect it.

[edelweiss]

No, of course not. I guess I expect that they will live elsewhere. It is a big world out there, and I can't imagine that they will necessarily find their happiness where they grew up. :confused: It actually wouldn't dawn on me that that they would make their homes here even though we live in a fairly large city. :confused: To be honest, I actually think it will work better for everyone if we don't live in the same place. I tend to think family works better when you are at least a few hours apart. ;) I also would prefer to be a "coming-for-a-visit Grandma" and not a "lives-around-the-corner Grandma".

Edited July 28, 2012 by edelweiss

[lllll]

..

Edited March 3, 2015 by ksva

[happypamama]

Nope. I wouldn't take it personally. But I would definitely be sad and miss them a lot!

 

Yes, this! I figure they have to do what's best for their careers, families, etc. I will miss them terribly though, and I really want to be involved with my grandchildren.

 

For a while, we were less than two hours from my parents/ILs, so we saw them frequently. It was nice -- close enough that we could do day trips, but far enough that we all had space. Now we're a bit over three hours away, and we have four children, so travel is a bit harder (and expensive). When the grandparents visit, it's a Big Deal; sometimes it would be nice if it were more casual. One of my siblings lives very far away, so my parents only see them once a year for a couple of weeks; I know it's hard on my mom not to see their baby very often.

[Susan in TN]

I don't think so - that's how life is and I expect that they'll go where God leads them. My MIL told us for years that God was telling us (via her "dreams") that we were supposed to move to New York, where the rest of dh's family lived. They were obviously a bit put out over it - I mean, life begins in NY and fizzles out from there, right? (or so dh told me when we first met. He changed his tune reeeeeaaaaaal quick after that. :D)

 

That being said, dd14 often points out parts of our small town where she'd like to live when she grows up. I wouldn't mind.

[garddwr]

My parents lived far away from their parents, I live far from my parents...I wouldn't be at all surprised or take it personally if my children live far away. I expect them to go where life takes them. I am grateful that long-distance communication has become much easier in recent years, it helps my scattered family stay in touch.

[Sparkle]

I hope mine stay close by. I don't necessarily expect them to, but I'd be really sad if I didn't get to see them often.

 

ksva, your comment about staying in one place for generations reminded me of an article I read a while back that really resonated with me, about having a place to come "home" to. I hope my kids always feel that way, even if they live far away. Those who stay, make 'home' home

[Danestress]

He has a job that will likely keep him here, though nothing is ever guaranteed. I can't tell you how it makes me feel to know that maybe I will have grandchildren who will live near me. I have mostly raised my children near their grandmothers (on both sides) and I know what a gift that is to all three generations.

 

But there are other, better places in the world to live. This is home for me, but if my children established homes in places where they are happy, that will make me glad.

 

I just hope they marry girls who like me and tolerate visits.

[lllll]

..

Edited March 3, 2015 by ksva

[mommaduck]

No, I would not be offended. Each child will have their own life journey and living near may be good for some and not so good for others. If one of my children told me they were moving to Fiji or Timbuktu or Uganda, I would be okay with that. Do I hope that at least one of my children will stay local to me with grandchildren? Sure! But would I try to whine and persuade and guilt trip my children? NO!

[Remudamom]

I won't lie. I was devastated when my son and his wife moved away.

[Laura Corin]

No. I'd be sad, but not hurt or offended. Their life, their choice.

 

Laura

[Catherine]

What I'm wondering is how many expressions of sadness are needed before they stop being "commiserating" and become pressure, guilt-inducing, or even manipulation. I don't hear anyone here saying they would or have done this. Just thinking out loud about what I might say, or do, to express my feelings (if I chose to express them at all), that could be understood as loving, not pressuring.

[Mommyfaithe]

No...not hurt or offended.....just sad.

[Heather in Neverland]

:iagree:

 

Some parents forget that their job is to raise adults who live their own lives. We would never disrespect another adult this way, guilt them about where they choose to live.

 

:iagree:

 

My mother has been very unsupportive of us living here. She has made me feel guilty for three years and never misses an opportunity to remind me of what an awful, selfish daughter I am for moving so far away. :glare:

 

I will NEVER do that to my children.

 

 

 

.

[Live2Ride]

nope it's their life and I would hope that we could visit somewhat regularly. Since I've been old enough I've lived away from 8-18 hours by car.

 

We live 9 hours and 18 respectively. The inlaws rarely visit (three times in the 15 years we've been married). My family hardly either. They both have always assumed that we'll come to them since it's easier for four to travel than many multiple family members. While that's true, it's still expensive for us to travel. Though most of the time various family members let us stay with them so that helps.

 

I know a lady that slashed her sons tires, stole his wallet and keys at various times because he wanted to move out of state. :eek: She's a bit kooky....no wonder he wanted to move!

Edited July 29, 2012 by CountryGirl2

[justamouse]

No...not hurt or offended.....just sad.

 

:iagree:

 

Even my Dh won't move far from his mom.

 

I just asked Dd17 and she said she's not move away for good. Which I'm ok with. :-)

 

I USED to be ok with moving away. BUt then I saw how powerful someone who stays can be. My grandfather lived in the same house most his life, and now my AUnt lives there with her kids. He wasn't able to change the wold in a big way, but he was magnificent in his community.

Edited July 29, 2012 by justamouse

[Joanne]

No. Not at all.

[annandatje]

Absolutely not. I fully expect them to spread their wings and go off on adventures while they are young.

[Lawana]

I come from a family that doesn't consider it a negative at all. In fact, noone would choose to live near to family just because. We don't connect on that level at all. Having said that, my mother moved 2000 to be near us at our encouragement, so that she would have someone to look after her in her old age. (She is 78, and even though I have 4 siblings, I am the one who is able and willing to do the looking after)

 

I wouldn't feel at all hurt or offended if my dc found their life took them to places removed from me. It takes more than physical distance to have a disconntected relationship.

[J-rap]

I don't think any of our five children will live close. We live in a small town where there aren't a lot of opportunities. Our children are all very ambitious, and I think their interests and careers will take them to very different places. We've always encouraged them to think of the world as their home, so it's partly our fault. :) We will just have to travel a lot, I guess!

[ChristusG]

I truly hope that my children decide to stay close by. We are a very close knit family. My parents, sisters, both sets of my grandparents, and aunts/uncles all live within about a 25 minute trip of any of the houses. We live right in the middle, with my own parents just around the corner from us a few streets over. It's great. My kids are close to them, I have help when I need it, we all get together often to go out to eat or celebrate birthdays. It's great having all of our family close by.

[Tarreymere]

They have to live their own lives. I'm actually surprised that of the six kids who are adults, all of them live nearby. One went off into the service for awhile, but has returned home. I'm almost disappointed, it would be fun to have at least one far away to travel to visit.

[4Hisglory]

I have always thought my children would be world travelers, so no I wouldn't be offended.

[Tap]

I hope they stay close but if they move away, I would understand. In fact, I would be surprised if dd13 lives in the USA. She has a bit of a 'tumbelweed' in her, so I think she wil move around a bit when she is older.

[Guest KarenS]

I am new here and this topic is very close to me right now. All 5 of my sons have left New Zealand and moved to Perth Australia. They have their lives to live and I want them to do what they want/need/have to do in work, relationships and to be happy, so while I wasn't suprised to "lose" some, we were to have lost them all.

 

That said, we had always thought we would be able to be hands on grandparents too, to at least some of them. Reality is, we have no grandchildren even in NZ now. And we will be very very lucky to be able to even see them once a year. We have a very low income and do without so that we can keep homeschooling our 2 daughters. It is really, really hard to know that most of our grandchildren will never really have much of a relationship with either my husband or myself. Little kids need regular face to face spending time with them for that to happen and blossom into a great one. :(

 

This isn't something that we had even thought of until grandchildren arrived...and certainly never thought of it with OUR parents and our children either (although both our parents live within 20 minutes of us).

 

With our sons leaving, the ripple effect on us has been huge...and probably wont even be something that they understand until they have grandbabies themselves.

 

It sucks :( From Karen in NZ who will be known as Grandma airplane who arrives once a year with a suitcase filled with goodies.

 

Just edited to add..not hurt or offended or even giving my sons a hard time....just trying to deal with the huge hole in my heart that wonders if it will ever heal.

Edited July 29, 2012 by KarenS

[ZeldaRules]

Give them wings and let them fly...we have moved around a lot, so if they moved away, I would be sad, but welcome their success for the reason they are moving. I think one of my kids will not move away and will probably always live with us, but who knows what the future holds for him.

 

I wish we lived closer to the grandparents, but I love living in the warmer weather in the south compared to the icky weather in the Midwest (except for the summer). :)

[Kari C in SC]

It is one of my greatest fears that my younger two kids will move far away. It may not be correct to share that fear with them quite often, but I don't really care. My oldest moved to Alaska for the army and he was killed in a car accident. While I realize it was an accident that killed him and not the location - I will forever hold regret that he died alone on the side of a road and I was 3500 miles away. So - I tell my children nearly daily that they cannot ever move more than a couple hours away from me. Is that realistic? Probably not. I don't care. And just to be even more crazy... my dh and I have purchased 3 rental homes on our same street and hope that one day - maybe they will live in one or two of them. BTW, my parents moved to FL a couple months after we married. We moved with them because I could not stand the thought of being away from my parents. 17 years later, dh and I moved from FL to SC and my mom and sister relocated with us. I believe in family being near family. It is just a strong belief for me.

 

ETA - When my son was stationed in Alaska, he called 3 times a day. He missed his family and was already planning to re-enlist and choose a base closer to home - so he must have felt something similar to the way I felt.

 

ETA - I just read this thread and honestly I can't believe nobody mentioned caring for relatives. My mom is 72 and doesn't drive. She is in fairly good health, but she needs help with things. My sister is disabled and lives with her. It is quite common for me to run them to doctors appoinments or for my dh to go over an fix things for them. That is what family is for. Each of my kids has been raised with their grandma (my son has his grandpa for 9 years before grandpa passed on) as a huge part of their lives. I believe they are better people because of the bond they have with her. I can't imagine ANY job being worth more than that relationship. My dad got sick 1 month after I had my oldest son. For 9 years, my oldest son was the only happiness my dad had while he battled sickness. I would not have thought for a minute to trade that time for the two of them. I guess I am just of the mind that family is more important than anything else. Jobs and money and houses and things like that come and go... time with family is my top priority.

Edited July 29, 2012 by Kari C in SC

[Just Kate]

That said, we had always thought we would be able to be hands on grandparents too, to at least some of them. Reality is, we have no grandchildren even in NZ now. And we will be very very lucky to be able to even see them once a year. We have a very low income and do without so that we can keep homeschooling our 2 daughters. It is really, really hard to know that most of our grandchildren will never really have much of a relationship with either my husband or myself. Little kids need regular face to face spending time with them for that to happen and blossom into a great one. :(

 

 

(Bolding mine)...I just wanted to comment quickly (and perhaps give you some home). My in-laws live 16 hours away and we see them very infrequently. As a matter of fact, they have only seen my daughter three times (she will be turning 5 next week). My kids don't talk to them on the phone very frequently, but we do talk about them regularly. Anyway, it amazes me how my kids talk about these grandparents almost as much as they talk about my parents, who they see weekly! Out of no where, my kids will bring up these grandparents and they talk as if they are a part of their daily lives. I don't know if this will continue on as they get older, but I am going to try to make a point to keep it going, as I think that family relationships are very important.

 

To answer the OP, no I wouldn't be offended at all if my children lived far away. However, I sure hope they live close enough that we can see one another regularly.

[Rhonda in TX]

No, not at all. I would miss them, and hope they are able to live close, but it will be their life and their choice.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I wouldn't be hurt or offended because it wouldn't be about me.

I would miss them terribly and see them as often as I was able though.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Would you feel slighted if your adult child moved away?

 

I'd be crushed, but I would not take it personally, that they were doing so to get away from me. I don't believe I should be that much of a priority to my adult child; I'd want them to live their own life.

 

Dh's and my families all live on the opposite coast. In some ways, that's okay; in other ways, it's not so great, but we'd never consider moving just to be closer.

[Mom22ns]

I wouldn't be hurt or offended because it wouldn't be about me.

I would miss them terribly and see them as often as I was able though.

 

:iagree:

 

Hurt or offended make no sense to me. My mom actually encouraged us to live at least a few hours away from all extended family when we first got married. She told me it would help us learn to rely completely on each other. She was right. We moved closer after a couple of years and have always kept in close contact, phone, email, visits.

[TravelingChris]

SInce dh is active duty military and has been for 25 years, we haven't lived in one place and how could we insist on the children living in one place. We have bought a home here and hope that dh transitions to the civilian world right here in about two years. Based on what happened in 2011 when my dh was supposed to PCS (eight different offices had him listed as their first choice candidate and he also was receiving heavy recruiting from the private sector), I can't say that we will even be here. It has been our plan to be here but dh may receive an offer he can't refuse.:lol:

 

Anyway, we already know that our oldest wants to live in a cold place and I really, really don't and won't (my arthritis is just exponentially worse with cold weather). We don't know what middle will do. It depends on her health and who she marries, I suspect. If she gets better and does become a prosecutor, I doubt it will be here. Just a matter of us being in a relatively small city and probably jobs at the DA's don't open up frequently. MY youngest is the most likely to live here since she is interested (right now) in either mechanical or robotics engineering. This is a heavily engineering town and I could see her employed here.

 

We are a close knit family and I expect that to continue even if they live apart. Particularly between my children, who communicate much more with each other than with either myself or dh. BUt we have no problem with traveling and what I will end up doing if I live to 80 is a different matter.

[Deniseibase]

My DD has wanted to move to China since she was 3 years old, so I fully expect that she will head to China at some point. My DS still says he's going to live with Daddy and me for the rest of our lives and cries when someone talks to him about maybe going to college or anything like that. He even says he's going to bring his wife to come and live with us too! :lol:

 

That said, a few years ago my husband was unemployed and had a couple interviews for a very good position in another state. He had been unemployed for four months and this was far and away the best position that he had interviewed for. When I was telling my mom about it, she immediately started crying and begging me not to take her grandchildren away. Apparently she was ok with us starving, but not moving away :-/ For the record, she lives 45 minutes away and sees my kids once every two or three months, and moved 12 hours away from her own family when she got married and her husband took a job in another state. So go figure.

[Kate in Arabia]

It is really, really hard to know that most of our grandchildren will never really have much of a relationship with either my husband or myself. Little kids need regular face to face spending time with them for that to happen and blossom into a great one. :(

I'm sure the physical time spent is important, but it doesn't mean you can't have a close relationship. My kids have a very good/close relationship with my parents, with frequent phone calls, then Skype and now FaceTime and email. We visit my parents for a month every year, but otherwise they are in touch through those other means several times a week.

 

A lot depends, imo, on the individual parent and grandparent, but I don't think it's right to say that because you live far away you can't have much of a relationship.