Would you be hurt or offended if your children chose to live far away?

[Catherine]

This is a spin-off on the thread (s) about family members pressuring us to move closer, live closer, not move away, etc. My parents have never accepted that we chose to live 6 hours from them. It's for many reasons, most having nothing to do with our relationship.

 

We live about 6 hours drive from my parents, and have no family locally. I found this difficult and sad at times when my kids were small, even while I appreciated having some distance from the drama. I'm close to my family, but it's what you might call, "conditional closeness." Not all subjects are open to discussion. We disagree about some issues and disagreement is not welcomed or respected.

 

I like to think I wouldn't take it personally if my kids chose to live far away. I know there are many reasons they might choose to that are not a referendum on our relationship. OTOH, I like to believe we are closer than dh and I are to our parents. My eldest is just starting college this fall-so it's a chance for us both to try out being separated from each other.

 

Would you feel slighted if your adult child moved away?

[Dana]

I'd be surprised if he stays in the area.

My in-laws are on the other side of the country and my folks moved to be nearer to us. They're a 4 hour drive away right now. They used to be in the middle of the country with us on the coast.

[love2read]

Some of my children live across the country and I'm not hurt or offended, however I would have been 10 years ago when I was a more self-centered version of myself.

[Impish]

Nope. I'd do my best to visit them as $ permitted, *when* they told me was a good time, but their adult decisions about their adult lives have nothing to do w/me. They have to do what's in their best interest.

 

I can't imagine guilting my kids over such a thing.

[PeacefulChaos]

No, I wouldn't.

[Mom-ninja.]

I don't imagine I will be.

 

On that note, dh and I live where we do because we are close to family. It just kind of happened that way. My parents lived across the country and they moved here to be close to their grandkids.

 

Dh and I would like to move but we feel obligated to stay close to family. We're torn. I think it's nice for our boys to grow up around grandparents, yet dh and I would prefer to live elsewhere.

[Karen in CO]

It is pretty easy for me to say that no I wouldn't because my ds has been going to college in Japan for almost 4 years. I miss him, but I'm not hurt or offended. My older dd has already announced her plans to go college overseas and live in the mountains. My younger dd claims she'll live next door to me, but she's little and has a long way to go still.

Edited July 28, 2012 by Karen in CO

[Ravin]

My mom has never taken offense to the reality that life has taken some of her children to far-flung places. She's always been communications-close with us, and visits and encourages visits to her so that she can know her grandkids, etc.

 

My dad would be involved if I was near him, but never calls or visits so you might as well be on the moon if you live out of state.

 

I don't think either of them has ever been hurt or offended by the distance; Dad is just an out of sight, out of mind person about relationships and mom doesn't let it interfere with the relationships.

[TammyinTN]

We have never lived close. The closest was 3 hours at Fort Bragg, NC. Our family likes to make us feel bad about no living close, but after 25 years of marriage I think they've finally gotten over it. I would never guilt my children. I'll visit them anywhere and be happy about.

[Kate in Arabia]

Well I live on the other side of the world from my family. this is a topic I just can't win with them... If I say I miss being near them, then the feeling is I am being forced to live here; if I say I like living here, then the feeling is I don't like being near them. The fact is it doesn't really have anything to do with them or my relationship with them, positive or negative (which would probably also cause hurt feelings. I can't win.)

 

Almost everyone I know here, aside from locals, is living far from their family. It is common. It is common in dh's family, it is not in my family.

 

Because of my own experiences I wouldn't take it personally at all if my kids decided to live far away from me. Unless they tell me that it's because of me, lol.

[Dory]

Sure I'd be sad, I'd miss them, but I'd keep that to myself. They're adults making their own decisions. They have to be able to do what they feel is best for their life and I'm not going to tie them down. I'd visit them as much as they were ok with though.

I would NEVER try to guilt my kids into staying close. In fact I'd never try to talk them out of it in any way, shape, or form.

[SonshineLearner]

Just really sad if I couldn't be involved with them once they start having "families" :( But, reality is I don't know what will happen or how they will view grandparent involvement. I truly value grandparents as a real and present part of life, so that's how I live/lived.

[The Girls' Mom]

I don't think I would take it personaly, I just hope that they won't. :D I will understand if they do. Dh have had to make the same choices in our lives, and thankfully have had understanding family.

[KnitWit]

No. I married and moved away and experienced the same as Kate in Arabia. I couldn't win. We moved back. I still get complaints about how much time we spend with them and we are only a half an hour away. *shaking my head*

 

I will not do that to my kids. Sure, I'll miss them. I want them to live their lives though. :)

[elegantlion]

I hope my ds moves far away. He wants to live in Japan. I wholly support his choice. I also point out this cute little house for sale down the street, but I've given him full permission to go wherever in the world his life takes him.He's inherited wanderlust, so I hope he is able to live/travel where he wants. Dh, otoh, has not quite embraced the idea that he wants to travel the world, so we're working on him slowly over the next four years.

 

*sigh* That was my goal, to travel the world and live abroad, and I'm living an hour from where I grew up and 30 minutes from my parents. We're here for my parents and plan to stay until they are gone. After that, I don't know.

[regentrude]

No.

My husband and I moved 4,000 miles from family because that's where the job was. In academia, you are lucky if you can pick the country. Choosing the state is a luxury. Expecting to choose the city is unrealistic.

 

I expect my children to follow career paths where they will have to move to the location of their jobs. We might be the ones to move closer to them when we choose where to retire.

Edited July 28, 2012 by regentrude

[Parrothead]

No, I wouldn't be offended by where dd chooses to live.

[EducationX2]

I'll be surprised as all get up if DD doesn't live far away from me during at least one part of her life. She is very world focused- very interested in other languages, other cultures, and has a travel list a mile long. (Consisting of pretty much every single place she hears about... :tongue_smilie:Let's talk about watching the Parade of Nations during the Opening Ceremonies.... "Where's ________? What's there? I want to go there!!")

 

 

But I can't lie... I would be hurt if she eventually settled far away from me. I know there are many things that go into making this decision, but I hope that she at least tries to be near me.

Or wants me to come near her. :D

[redsquirrel]

No I wouldn't, but we have a good relationship to begin with.

 

Now, my SIL moved to japan during college and family rumor has it, it was to get as far away from her mother as possible. I am pretty sure that is true.

 

She lived there for 20 years, had a family, and died there. It was extraordinarily difficult to have her so far away for all of that. Her children don't speak English, when she was sick we couldn't help care for her. It was very difficult. Before she got sick, she visited very rarely. It costs and extraordinary amount of money to fly to the US from Japan and doing it with a couple kids was prohibitive. They came a very few times and my ILs visited her a few times, but not often. Her children are strangers to all of us, and now she is dead all the more so. She isn't around to translate for them so not much conversation can happen.

 

So, I don't see 6 hours are being all that big a deal. I live 6 hours away from my mom and it doesn't feel far. We are still in the same state. Many, many of my friends live on the other side of the country from family.

[HappyCrazyMama]

Sure I'd be sad, I'd miss them, but I'd keep that to myself. They're adults making their own decisions. They have to be able to do what they feel is best for their life and I'm not going to tie them down. I'd visit them as much as they were ok with though.

I would NEVER try to guilt my kids into staying close. In fact I'd never try to talk them out of it in any way, shape, or form.

:iagree: That said I expect they may move away, not much for them to do in a town of 900.:) We moved four hours away from our families to live in the country and when I say families I mean aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. as well as parents; 99% of our families lives in about a 60 miles radius. If I had it to do over again I wouldn't. I miss being close enough to just pop over to a relatives for an afternoon or Saturday BBQ. We are not really involved in their lives in the same way and I regret that. OTOH since we did move away I understand that they may want too. My mom never said a word to encourage me to stay but I know she shed many a tear.:(

[Jenny in Florida]

Would you feel slighted if your adult child moved away?

 

No, I'm expecting that both of mine will.

 

We've known for a long time that our daughter wants a career in theatre. The only logical place for her to go in the long run in New York.

 

Our son's career plans are not yet as clear, but there's a good chance he'll end up in NY, too.

[Maverick_Mom]

I would feel sad and I would miss my child terribly. But I wouldn't be hurt or offended. Adult children have the right, and should have the freedom, to live their lives where they want.

 

I understand the pressure that can come from parents or in-laws to "stay local." Dh and I have dealt with that, but we needed to live our own lives.

[Matryoshka]

I would feel sad and I would miss my child terribly. But I wouldn't be hurt or offended. Adult children have the right, and should have the freedom, to live their lives where they want.

 

This. I have stayed local to my family, which is in part a response to having no extended family growing up - my grandparents and cousins were all thousands of miles away.

 

I do want them to have the lives they want, but I can't help hoping that at least some of them stay fairly local (maybe after they have far-flung adventures!) I've made sure they're multilingual and have already sent them off to Europe a couple of times, so maybe I've made my bed... :tongue_smilie:

[Dustybug]

No, I wouldn't. I view it as part of life--moving off on your own. I would want to visit and I would miss them, but I would not be hurt or offended.

 

My mom is the same. I'm 6 hours from her and she misses me, but she doesn't hold it against me. My DH's parents and two sisters all live within 10 minutes of us. I'm NOT a fan of this arrangement but it's how his family works. We moved away for 6 months when my oldest was an infant and oh.my.word. the drama that came from my MIL when we did that was unreal. You'd have thought we were leaving the country never to return. :glare:

[justLisa]

Mine are never going to want to leave!!! :D

 

At least I hope not :crying:

 

But I already had the mom guilt you in to everything upbringing so no, I wouldn't act like it.

[Mrs.Gregg]

No. I want them to live their own life. I'd like to beable to visit them yearly. I live on the West Coast (USA) and my family is on the East Coast 3000 miles away. I moved here when I was 20 and newly married. Currently DH and I live 4 1/2 hours from his family. We've always had support from our parents. I do have an Aunt who from time to time asks when we are moving back. It's been 12 yrs.

[Joani]

I don't think I would.

 

But, I moved along with my parents when I was 23 years old, and I've lived close to them ever since. I absolutely love being close to family, so depending on where all of the kids end up, I'd consider moving to be closer to them.

[justLisa]

I don't think I would.

 

But, I moved along with my parents when I was 23 years old, and I've lived close to them ever since. I absolutely love being close to family, so depending on where all of the kids end up, I'd consider moving to be closer to them.

 

Us too :D

[Janie Grace]

Nope. I wouldn't take it personally. But I would definitely be sad and miss them a lot!

[Ghee]

For the purpose of this thread, I'm going to assume that I'm still living HERE (which I am trying to remedy LOL so hopefully, I'd be somewhere else when the kids are grown.) No, I wouldn't care if they moved away. I'd miss them, I'd worry about them, but I'd be happy if they weren't happy where we were and found a place that made them happy. IF we were living HERE, I'd be upset if they STAYED. I want more for them than is offered here.

 

My mother has no burning desire to move, but I don't think she'll be upset when we move. DH's family, however, actually takes it as an insult that I'm trying to move. Apparently staying here shows "pride in who you are and where you are FROM." (their words <eyeroll>) and my moving is a slap in the face to them. And I desperately want away from these people....go figure :tongue_smilie:

[Mothersweets]

Not at all.

 

And if they chose to live somewhere very far away, like Europe, then I would have to sacrifice any extra time and money I had to visit him/her. :nopity:

 

All kidding aside, I would love to have them near us but if they chose to live far away I would never dream of pressuring them over it.

[OnTheBrink]

For purely selfish reasons, I'd be very sad if/when my son moves out of state. I'd miss him terribly. But, he's his own person and needs to pursue his own dreams and life.

 

Both of my parents are only children, so I have no aunts or uncles or 1st cousins at all and I have no extended family that I know within 500 miles. I know OF family members in the next state, but I don't even know their names! So, I'm sort of used to being "alone" but sometimes it would be nice to have family around for holidays or vacations or whatnot. Let me qualify that last statement: I mean SANE family. EX's family members are all certifiable, and they cause more stress than they're worth. I'd like some rational, sane family. LOL

[SorrelZG]

I hope not. I guess it depends on the reason. I mean, if they were all like, "GAH! Y'all drive me nuts and I don't want to be anywhere near you!" .. then yeah, that would hurt.

 

I moved to the other side of the planet from my mom. Not because of her though and she knows that so as much as it hurts for her that my family is so far away, she's not slighted.

[Zebra]

Nope. I'd do my best to visit them as $ permitted, *when* they told me was a good time, but their adult decisions about their adult lives have nothing to do w/me. They have to do what's in their best interest.

 

I can't imagine guilting my kids over such a thing.

 

:iagree:

 

Some parents forget that their job is to raise adults who live their own lives. We would never disrespect another adult this way, guilt them about where they choose to live.

[Zebra]

Let me qualify that last statement: I mean SANE family. EX's family members are all certifiable, and they cause more stress than they're worth. I'd like some rational, sane family. LOL

 

 

Well said, because having insane family members around is not worth the nightmare!

[mom4him]

Would you feel slighted if your adult child moved away?

 

No. Our oldest dd and her dh live are 5 hrs drive. It is extremely difficult for us to travel so we probably won't be going there. It is just the two of them and they plan on coming for our family Christmas at New Years time.

 

This was a great opportunity for her in her job so for me to be slighted or offended would have been very selfish on my part. I miss her A LOT! Much more than I had envisioned but they are happy and doing good so not appropriate for me to be mopey about it.

[Mimm]

My mother's reaction to us moving 12 hours away from her was... insane. Just crazy. I still can't think of it without being slightly nauseous. I will never ever do that to my kids. My mother moved across the country from her parents as a newlywed and it really affected her. She had a close friendship with her mother and in those days there was no email, no skype and you paid for long distance by the minute. They budgeted their long distance calls carefully (they were poor newlyweds just trying to make ends meet in those days) and she only got to call home once a month. She wrote them letters. She lived in a new town and didn't know anyone and she was lonely. She told us these stories growing up and made it clear that it wasn't acceptable to move far away from her.

 

And then I did. She took this as a direct reflection on her, as though I was moving away because of how I felt about her instead of because it was the best decision for my family. Which it was. A few years later, my parents went through a nightmarish divorce, and I was happy to be hundreds of miles away.

 

I will say that I do live near lots of family. Four brothers and one sister have followed me here (and each time I get to feel guilty again because another of her children is rejecting her and moving here) and I live near my husband's family, who I love. My kids do get to have grandparents in their lives and I hope they realize how awesome that is and choose to stay near us. ;) But if they move away, I will accept it as gracefully as I can.

[hana]

Nope. My boys moved all the way across the country in their early 20s. I have three girls on one coast, and the two boys on the other. I want them to live their lives, not work to please us.

[Ellie]

This is a spin-off on the thread (s) about family members pressuring us to move closer, live closer, not move away, etc. My parents have never accepted that we chose to live 6 hours from them. It's for many reasons, most having nothing to do with our relationship.

 

We live about 6 hours drive from my parents, and have no family locally. I found this difficult and sad at times when my kids were small, even while I appreciated having some distance from the drama. I'm close to my family, but it's what you might call, "conditional closeness." Not all subjects are open to discussion. We disagree about some issues and disagreement is not welcomed or respected.

 

I like to think I wouldn't take it personally if my kids chose to live far away. I know there are many reasons they might choose to that are not a referendum on our relationship. OTOH, I like to believe we are closer than dh and I are to our parents. My eldest is just starting college this fall-so it's a chance for us both to try out being separated from each other.

 

Would you feel slighted if your adult child moved away?

Why would I fell slighted? :confused:

 

I haven't lived close to my family since I left home in 1970, not counting a few brief years when my mother also lived in San Diego...before she moved to Seattle.

 

One of my daughters has lived in Seattle for over 10 years. One lives near Fresno. I live in the Austin area. Which of us should be offended? :lol: And my extended family lives in North Carolina and Virginia, not counting the distant cousins who live in San Diego.

 

Mr. Ellie's mother lived in San Diego, where we lived until 1987; then we moved to San Jose. She visited us, and it made for a nice vacation for her. My mother lived in the Seattle area; we drove up there several times, and when my dds were old enough, they went up and stayed with her for a couple of weeks at a time. We were all happy. :)

 

Six hours from your parents? Piffle. That's close enough to drive over in a day, far enough away to not get too involved in the petty stuff. :D

[freesia]

I wouldn't but I come from an extended family where the majority of families lived overseas at one point or the other. I have lived in 4 different countries since college. My parents met overseas. We chose to move closer to family about 5 years ago (close as in 2 hours 45 minutes and 5 hours) but I would not feel hurt if my kids didn't do that.

 

As others have said, we are raising independent people who need to follow their own life path unhindered by feeling they need to take care of us emotionally.

[Mommyof4ks]

I would be sad for sure. The thought of missing out on my grandkids growing up and not seeing my kids often would make me sad. Hurt or offended, no. My job is to raise them, and then they have to do what God has called them to do.

[pehp]

We live very close to our families. (Like, on the same farm as grandparents and uncles....15 mins from one set of parents and 1 hr from the other...) I love it!!!!!!

 

Would I feel hurt or offended if my children live far away? No!! I would be bummed because I know I would enjoy seeing them regularly, but I want them to live the lives they were born to lead...wherever that takes them. I can drive and buy plane tickets--for them and for us...there's FaceTime (I'd buy them an iPhone or iPad quite happily if it meant I could FaceTime grandkids!!;)).....phones...email.....airplanes....this is wonderful day and age to live in if your children do move far away. I want my children to live the life God created them to live, wherever that is.

 

Of course I'd prefer them to be close, but I'd never influence their choices. That's not my role!

[DawnM]

No. There are always reasons to move. Jobs, academics, marrying someone who lives somewhere else.

 

When I was 18 I moved continents away from my parents because I went to college. I stayed on this continent and they stayed on theirs for a very long time.

 

The fact that we are both now in the USA is a big deal.

 

However, I would LOVE it if my kids stayed within driving distance from us as I really want to be near them.

 

Dawn

[Denisemomof4]

I would not take it personally. I also wouldn't be offended.

 

But I *WOULD* be very, very sad.

 

I chose to move further away so I could have more space from my sister. It worked like a charm.

[SwallowTail]

I only have one child, and I would probably feel pretty devastated if she moved far away from me, while understanding the choice (as my dh have had to dosimilarly for our careers).

[dirty ethel rackham]

It would depend. If they were leaving just to leave, I would probably be hurt. I have tried to have a good relationship with my kids. If they were leaving due to job prospects, education, or health, I would be sad, but not hurt.

 

I do have one that wants to move away as soon as he can. This pains me greatly because he doesn't have something he wants to move to. He is also the one I have given every ounce of my being to help him ( he had some special needs and had a few years that were very difficult for all of us) and I feel greatly rejected.

 

ETA: I might express my hurt - once or twice. But I hope never to harass my kids with guilt trips. I would do my best to accept it and move on.

Edited July 28, 2012 by dirty ethel rackham

[Embassy]

Not at all.

[Chris in VA]

Nope.

We believe in leave and cleave.

[higginszoo]

No. I was raised Navy. My parents knew that I couldn't chase them. My brothers and I ended up scattered because of careers, personal preferences, etc. My parents look at it as good vacation opportunities. I would think I'd be the same.

[Momof3littles]

I'd miss them, but moving away is usually not something they are directing *at* the parent. There are many wonderful reasons why an adult who loves their parent may want or need to move far away from family.

 

I also know as a teen I "couldn't wait to move far, far away." I ended up going to college about 2 whole hours away from home ;) because it was the best program for my career path. My mom and I had a terrible relationship when I was in high school, and we are very, very, very close now.