need some perspective....

[Peela]

I seem to get very hurt easily over food issues in my home and i really need to see if I am being treated ...perhaps not quite kindly....or if I am really over sensitive here.

 

This evening I made a green smoothie for us all while I was making dinner. Same ingredients as the other day....a little apple juice because we dont have much fruit in the house right now, frozen blueberries, baby spinach and water. Tastes great to me and both teenagers drink it happily (and one is very fussy).

Dh however says "that smells off, sorry, I cant drink it.".

I said "what smells off about it? " He didnt know. Just smelled off to him. It was all fresh ingredients, definitely nothing off.

So I said, "would you prefer I not make you green smoothies any more?" and he didn't answer. IN the past he wanted them. He just repeated that he couldn't drink it.

This sort of thing happens a lot. When it happens with the teenagers, I can handle it much better. When it happens with dh...I don't handle it well at all.

 

I felt hurt. He didn't want me to be hurt...but I get hurt anyway. I dont know what it is, really. I guess I don't feel appreciated..but its also somehow that I don't feel respected either.

 

Would you feel hurt? Would you handle it well? I don't really understand why this issue- and it happens around food a lot- a lot of rejection and complaints, even though I try hard- affects me so much. It feels like it cuts me to the quick every time it happens.

[keptwoman]

Yes, I would feel hurt. Definitely.

 

I think he could phrase these things much nicer. By saying it's off, he effectively places the "blame" for him not wanting it on the smoothie, which comes back to you given you made it. He could have just said 'thanks, but I don't feel like a green smoothie tonight,' which would have been much more neutral.

 

We have a rule in our house, no one is ever allowed to be rude about the food that is cooked for them. To do so means that the food is immediately removed from in front of them. I'd like to say that that includes the adults, but it's never been an issue with the adults.

[mammaofbean]

rude.

 

we would have words later in private. i would be angry because it wasn't a nice thing to say, and also because it is a poor example to the kids. i would ask- how horrified would you be if one of the kids said that to another adult who prepared food for them?? a wife should be offered as much respect and gratitude as anyone else who has prepared a meal.

[Peela]

Just your 2 replies made me cry and realise this is an area I need to treat myself with more respect. I was doubting myself yet my hurt was/is genuine. thankyou.

[kamom]

My dh, who is not a picky eater, will often smell or taste something that we don't. Like the milk is souring etc. He claims it starts tasting sour the day of the date on the jug. We can drink it for at least a week after without it bothering us. So that kind of thing happens often here. He has a much more sensitive taste then any of us. I would be upset though, if he voiced all of that in front of the kids.

 

He does try to hide it from the kids, but he won't eat it. If it's one dish on the table he will just eat a lot of the other foods. Your dh might be tasting something off, but I do think he should hide it and maybe tell you in private.

 

Should he drink it, if it doesn't taste good to him? If it was turned around. I would not want to force something down to not hurt his feelings.

[TN Mama]

My dh, who is not a picky eater, will often smell or taste something that we don't. Like the milk is souring etc. He claims it starts tasting sour the day of the date on the jug. We can drink it for at least a week after without it bothering us. So that kind of thing happens often here. He has a much more sensitive taste then any of us. I would be upset though, if he voiced all of that in front of the kids.

 

He does try to hide it from the kids, but he won't eat it. If it's one dish on the table he will just eat a lot of the other foods. Your dh might be tasting something off, but I do think he should hide it and maybe tell you in private.

 

Should he drink it, if it doesn't taste good to him? If it was turned around. I would not want to force something down to not hurt his feelings.

 

Don't you want to take a Sharpie to the date? I would. Just to see. :D

 

And Peela, I'm sorry. Yes, that would hurt my feelings. I think that's incredibly insensitive.

[creekland]

I'll be the dissenter in that it would not bother me in the least. Hubby and I are very open with our thoughts and opinions, in general, so I expect him to be honest and he does the same with me. Neither of us get hurt by it. We each have our likes and dislikes with food and drinks. Neither of us gets offended if one of us likes something and the other doesn't.

 

I think it's a matter of different personalities more than anything else.

[stripe]

Disclaimer: One of my kids rarely drinks my smoothies.

 

I don't think his words sounded that rude, to me. Having been pregnant before and refused to eat any leftovers, and perceiving an "off"ness or a strongness to certain things that no else did, I just couldn't make myself put something into my body that I didn't want. Is there a huge importance to you in having a communal smoothie experience? If it would be less hurtful, maybe you could have smaller cups and allow people to pour their own smoothies (including refills) instead of handing everyone a full cup, where you have decided that they should drink it, and they should drink a certain quantity.

 

I also think it's a mistake to try to delve into why someone doesn't want to eat/drink something, such as investigating just exactly what is off to him. Just let it be. It's nothing personal, and no one is saying you are dirty or make yucky food.

[Lolly]

It wouldn't bother me. Of course, I live with a dh who has a sensitive nose and palate. He can't be in the kitchen if there are open pickles or cut cucumbers. He eats no fruits because they taste so bitter. He often refuses food because it smells or tastes off to him.

[MelanieM]

I think when we are hurt by something like this, it is more about how the experience impacts our internal dialog than it is about the experience itself. I think the fact that you wouldn't be all that hurt if your kids said the same thing can tell you something about the situation... what is it that you are telling yourself about this, and about what it might mean about your husband (your relationship, how he feels about you, etc.?), that leads to you feeling hurt?

 

Peela, are you familiar with The Work by Byron Katie? Maybe you would find some relief around this doing the work on it?

 

Lots of hugs. Whatever the reason, it's no fun feeling hurt.

[UmMusa]

Peela, with as much work as we do for our children and husbands, it's hard not to take something personally. I'm guilty of that lately. I think your DH could have said in a much nicer way, or just said he didn't want any. No one will argue that if he doesn't want to drink it he shouldn't force himself to drink it. The issue is kindness with words. Just yesterday I was feeling so... what's the word.... under appreciated and so alone in taking care of the home.

[6packofun]

Same here. I'd probably take it as a major hint that dh didn't have the same love for green smoothies that I might. LOL (I've never had one so I don't know, this is just hypothetical!) It sounds like he was very clumsily trying to avoid saying that he doesn't really like them at all (maybe?) because he knows that healthy eating is important to you. You want to provide a united front to the kids about a healthy lifestyle and maybe he's less into it than you and he knows that would hurt you. Of course, if this is actually the case, then he should have let you know sooner. LOL!

 

If not, I'd start making smoothies and letting everyone know that they're available in the kitchen if they would like some. NO comments to anyone who doesn't want one. Food isn't a hill that I'm willing to die on, so this comes from the point of view that people have likes, dislikes, choices and tastes when it comes to food and we're all allowed to NOT eat something we don't want even if it's the healthiest food on earth.

[Anita in NC]

The only problem I would have is the way he said it. There was a better way he could have said he didn't want it.

 

Does your DH know how to make his own smoothies?

 

I know that may sound like a silly question but I had to show mine how to make them. Now he just makes his own the way he likes them.

 

Perhaps you just need to tell you DH that you are just going to let him make his own. That way he can make it the way he wants.

[2cents]

It would make me more angry than actually hurt. We don't allow picky eating in our home. If someone doesn't like what is being served, then bummer for them. They need to fix themselves something later (but that isn't even allowed on a regular basis). If someone isn't eating they need to explain their reasoning completely and nicely.

[Night Elf]

My dh, who is not a picky eater, will often smell or taste something that we don't. Like the milk is souring etc. He claims it starts tasting sour the day of the date on the jug.

 

This is me, except the date doesn't matter. I just taste when it's starting to go bad. DH defers to me on this because he never senses it. I throw it out. I will not serve bad food or drink. I also taste meat and other left-overs when they are starting to go bad. It's just plain ewww.

 

However, your DH could have certainly phrased it better, especially when you asked what was "off" specifically.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

It wouldn't bother me. Of course, I live with a dh who has a sensitive nose and palate. He can't be in the kitchen if there are open pickles or cut cucumbers. He eats no fruits because they taste so bitter. He often refuses food because it smells or tastes off to him.

 

I live with someone very similar to this. While I don't take personal offense at his comments, I do try to let him know that is is demoralizing and depressing to be around someone who is criticizing the food I am preparing for my family to eat. I often leave dh the responsibility for finding his own food, because I can't handle his extreme pickiness and related attitudes toward food.

[klmama]

Honestly, I'd think it was just his different taste buds, and not worry about it. He expected the usual flavor, it wasn't quite there, so it tasted off to him and he didn't want it. Oh, well. I would have just shared his with the dc.

[Mejane]

I understand, Peela! My fil never complimented his wife's cooking (and she was an excellent cook!) The only time he said anything was when something wasn't to his liking. Unfortunately, dh is much the same. He's not obnoxious like his father, but while he will often forget to say something is good, he is quick to offer opinions on how I might make something "better" next time. :glare:

 

As a man, I think he is used to saying things outright, and he really thinks he is helping me when in reality it hurts my feelings. I have threatened many times to stop cooking altogether. At least my kids have learned a valuable lesson about appreciation for the effort people make for them. They'd thank me and tell me it was yummy if I served them warmed-over dog food. :D

[Parrothead]

We have food issues in this family. If what happened between you and your dh had happened to us, I would have been angry more than hurt. I used to be hurt. I don't allow him to hurt me anymore. You don't want to be in the place I am though.

 

If your dh is open to talking, get him in a quiet place and talk to him. He might not know how to tell you he is tired of green smoothies. A lot of what you do revolves around food and being healthy. He may desperately be trying not to hurt your feelings because he knows how important healthy eating is to you, yet at the same time desperately trying not to have any more smoothies. And being a man he has bungled it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My dh would say that and mean exactly that (he's not Mr. Subtle). I would be irritated but later after I had time to calm down, would realize that it really did taste off to him. It took me awhile to realize that he's commenting on the food quality itself, not on my ability to cook. I did, however, take exception to the time that he prayed out loud, "Lord, that you for this food that we're supposed to eat.":glare:

[dangermom]

No, it would not bother me. Sometimes things taste different to different people.

 

It would surprise me, because I'm the one with the sensitive tongue around here, but it wouldn't bother me at all.

[secular_mom]

I think you are being too sensitive. Him not wanting the smoothie has nothing to do with you, except it sounds like your love language may be tied up in how he receives your 'gifts' of food. Do you know what your love language is? I would just divide the extra smoothie between those that are drinking them or stick it in the freezer for later. If he said it smelled 'off', then I'm sure it did to him. Why would he lie? People have different sensitivities, maybe the apple juice smelled to sour to him at that time and it made the smoothie unappealing. :grouphug:

Try to work on your perception of being rejected. Do you logically understand that him not wanting your smoothie does not equal him not wanting you or him disrespecting you? He may even feel disrespected by you hounding him about his not wanting to drink it. We should all have control over what enters our bodies, don't you think? :grouphug:

[texasmama]

My husband is a very picky eater. This was a huge adjustment for me when we got married. He would complain if I cut up the celery too small in the pot pie, even though I carefully left out veggies on the "bad list". I found it horribly discouraging. I have mostly gotten used to it and made it about him and not me or my cooking. I know I am good cook. He is just a picky person. We have one son who is just like him. I am a sensitive person but I knew I had to find a way to not take this issue personally or I would be hurt all the time.

 

In the years we have been married, his eating habits have changed a bit very slowly. He will now eat apples...only green ones. No spinach ever. No smoothies ever. No way, no how. For years, he was paranoid that I had put spinach in everything to try to sneak in nutrients.:001_huh: That was an unfun stage. If I put onion in something, he refuses to eat it, even though he will eat sauteed onions with fajitas. The rules forbid onions in anything else, no matter how small the are chopped or how good they are for you or how little you can taste them. The kids love salmon patties, but when I cook them he complains so much about the smell and takes out the trash and sprays febreze everywhere that I have mostly given up making them, even though everyone else loves them and they are healthy.

 

Feel better now?;)

[kalanamak]

I'll be the dissenter in that it would not bother me in the least.

 

I would chuckle and call out what I heard my mother call out so often: MORE FOR THE REST OF US! My son busts up laughing, he and I gaze at each other with a glint, hubby smiles, and life goes on.

[Catwoman]

No, it would not bother me. Sometimes things taste different to different people.

 

It would surprise me, because I'm the one with the sensitive tongue around here, but it wouldn't bother me at all.

 

Same here. It wouldn't bother me at all -- I would have probably taken a sip out of his glass to see if it tasted right to me, just to be sure there was no problem with it (in terms of being tainted, not tasty,) but that would have been the end of it.

 

That said, just because it wouldn't have hurt my feelings doesn't invalidate your pain. If it upset you, I think you should mention it to him, as I'm sure he'll apologize once he realizes he made you feel badly.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

And if he's not sympathetic to your feelings, let him make his own smoothie next time! ;)

 

Cat

[wapiti]

Wouldn't bother me a bit. I mean, I hate it when my mom tries to get me to eat or drink things (usually she's hounding me to have a glass of wine that I don't want), so I wouldn't want to put that kind of pressure on someone else.

 

It's hard to read the tone of what he said. I hope he was polite - a "no thanks" would do just fine, or even a "no thanks, I don't really like green smoothies any more."

 

I think you need to think more about why this bothers you, whether you feel like it's a personal rejection, or whether you feel he's setting a bad example for the kids - are you afraid they'll also turn down the smoothies in the future?

[KidsHappen]

Oh my goodness no, it wouldn't bother me and I am amazed at the number of women who take it personally ans feel angry or hurt. I would have a serious problem with another adult telling me what I have/need/should eat. Now, some of this may be due to issues of my own. I have nausea much of the time. I sometimes go days without eating. Sometimes I will think I am hungry for something, go through the trouble of cooking it and then take one bite and realize that I can't eat it. Since I cooked it myself, to my liking I know it is not an issue of someone else's cooking. Even without these issues though, I feel like in our society where so many people have issues with weight that it makes no sense to want people to eat food they don't want.

 

Food is not love. Rejecting food you make is not the same as rejecting you. It is more like a love language. Making food may be your love language but not your partner or spouses. Though they may appreciate your effort it is not really a gift if what they wanted was something else entirely. Let's say what you really wanted was half an hour of peace and quite away from the kids but your hubby made you chocolate chip cookies instead. You are not hungry, don't need the calories and could really use a few minutes of quiet time. Although you appreciate his effort and thoughts, it doesn't meet your needs.

 

Another thing I have noticed is that many women (not saying you particularly Peela) make dinner and then are upset that their hubby's are not pleased but it seems that most women don't consult their hubbies on what he may want for dinner. I think I have a unique prospective on this because I don't do the cooking in my house. My hubby always consults me on what he will make for dinner. He lists what we have available and what he might feel like making as well as what sounds good to him and then I choose from those items. Or I may say, "I am not really hungry at all so make what you want and maybe I will eat later."

 

Finally, some people really are more sensitive to smells and taste than other people. SOmething may smell or taste off to them and it might not necessarily be that there is actually something wrong with whatever it is that could be described so much as it is something that is not working for them right now. A simple cold or sinus issue can make thing smell or taste wrong. It might not be that there is anything wrong with the item or that they weren't happy with the way you prepared it so much at it just isn't appealing to them right then.

 

Of course, you feel the way you feel. Just try to remember that they feel the way they feel. It is probably nothing personal.

[Snickerdoodle]

It wouldn't bother me at all.

 

It wasn't you he was rejecting, just the smoothie. There could be a million reasons that have nothing to do with you for why he didn't want the smoothie.

:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

It would bother me because of the way it was phrased. I also live with a spouse with a more discerning palate and a better sense of taste and smell. I also tend to get my feelings hurt about food because it's something I don't like doing, I'm not very good at it, and I'd rather do anything but be in the kitchen. So when I make the effort I want some acknowledgment for it.

 

I try to have thicker skin about food and realize he's just being honest, I mean we've been married for 18 years I should be able to deal with it right? Sometimes it just hits at the wrong spot and I pout for a while.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

maybe this upset you because of the context? ie. a general lack of appreciation or of attempts at control?

 

i also use the "oh good, more for the rest of us"....

 

i've also been known to say "wrong verb, dear. won't, not can't"

 

or

 

"oh, let's try that again. thank you for making me the smoothie dear. i'm not really in the mood for one right now though. would you like it?"

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Murphy101]

The correct response would have been, "Thanks honey, I think I'm going to make sure there's plenty of room for your dinner." ;)

 

ETA: I wouodnt be hurt, but I wouod think it was rude and rather undermining the likelihood of the kids willingness. I would probably just suggest a different answer later.

 

But we've been at this a while and dh knows little people are listening and watching and would very likely say the above or something similar if he didn't want to partake for some reason.

Edited January 30, 2011 by Martha

[shinyhappypeople]

I would chuckle and call out what I heard my mother call out so often: MORE FOR THE REST OF US! My son busts up laughing, he and I gaze at each other with a glint, hubby smiles, and life goes on.

 

 

This is what we do, too, when someone complains about a food.

 

And no, it wouldn't have hurt me at all. He was commenting on the food not you. Pity the poor guy. He missed out on a delicious smoothie :)

[Chocolate Rose]

What would have bothered me was that he said it tasted "off". So, that would mean that you're serving something that isn't safe to eat. "Off", to me, has the meaning that the ingredients have expired, are rotten, etc. You know that the ingredients were fresh, so his way of saying he didn't want a smoothie was to make the smoothie inedible. And, it would then make you and your teens wrong or not sensitive enough to realize that you shouldn't be drinking the smoothie either.

[DesertDweller]

I would be hurt at first, but I wouldn't stay hurt by it.

 

I like to try alot of new recipes, but I also like to cook to please my family. Usually when I make something new, I ask them what they think. We try to be pretty open about it although I'm sure there's times when they don't want to hurt my feelings by saying they didn't like something. I can also tell just based on how quickly something is consumed or whether everyone is clamoring for more if they liked it alot or a little.

 

I personally don't like to eat or drink something that I don't care for. I will if I'm a guest somewhere, but at home, I like to make things that we can all enjoy. Fortunately, I don't have any picky eaters, so that's not an issue.

 

I have made things that I love and everyone else just didn't. In that case, I might make it occasionally just to enjoy myself. Maybe you're on board with the smoothies and think they're delicious while he's really not. While his comments could be nicer, maybe he's just been drinking them all this time because he didn't want to hurt your feelings.

 

If you're finding comments like this happen frequently, I would sit down with dh and discuss it. Tell him that you sometimes feel hurt by what he says. Ask if maybe there's a way to make the smoothies more palatable for him, or if he just doesn't care for them. Every family member isn't going to always love exactly the same foods. I would try to find out what's behind the comments. Continuing to be hurt by them without discussing your feelings or understanding why he's doing this will only make things worse.

[LibraryLover]

I don't think I would be hurt, but I would want them to be polite. There is no reason to not apprecaite a famly member's good effort. I woud be hurt if they were unkind.

 

Maybe they could make their own, and add the things they most like? I've found that for me, it always feels less personal when others share in the feeding of each other. Various cooks add various ingedients, and do things in different ways...I might not do it that way, but I've learned that other ways are also ok.

 

 

Case in point: a couple of years ago, I found myself unusually and ridiculously peeved by how my teen son was draining pasta. He would flip the whole thing into a colander in the sink, which I saw as wasted effort and more dirty dishes. I take big pasta out of the pot with tongs, and small pasta out with a Chinese basket- spider- thingy, and add right into whatever sauce I am making. He found that tedious. My dh said gently, "Are you really caring about how he drains pasta?" In a split second it dawned on me how overly emeshed I was in some of my thinking. ;) Ya think? There is certainly space to drain pasta in different ways. (I just thank the wheat gods that he doesn't rinse the pasta. I couldn't abide that. :lol:)

Edited January 30, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Mejane]

Oh my goodness no, it wouldn't bother me and I am amazed at the number of women who take it personally ans feel angry or hurt.

 

Peela said it happens a lot, as it does in my house. I don't understand why that is amazing - ? If every other time my husband did something for me I refused it or corrected him, I think he would feel hurt and angry, too. YMMV, of course. :001_smile:

[DesertDweller]

Peela said it happens a lot, as it does in my house. I don't understand why that is amazing - ? If every other time my husband did something for me I refused it or corrected him, I think he would feel hurt and angry, too. YMMV, of course. :001_smile:

 

I'm not sure if that is happening with the OP in other areas as well, but if so, than continual hurtful comments would certainly cause me to become angry and resentful. If this is the case, then I would assume there is a deeper issue than how or what type of food is prepared.

[nmoira]

It wouldn't bother me. Of course, I live with a dh who has a sensitive nose and palate. He can't be in the kitchen if there are open pickles or cut cucumbers. He eats no fruits because they taste so bitter. He often refuses food because it smells or tastes off to him.

:iagree:

 

My littlest is like this. She just cannot eat something that doesn't smell right to her, or even eat when she can smell certain odors that set her off. I have a strong aversion to anything contaminated by pickles, so I understand where she's coming from. :tongue_smilie:

[Trish]

Translate: no thank you. As a cook I do appreciate feedback.

[HRAAB]

I'm sitting here smiling. Not at the OP's post, but because it describes me so well. And over green smoothies, too. Some days dh drinks and says how good it is, and then sometimes he'll make this face. He says he didn't, but he did. I saw it. I've been looking at his face pushing 30 years now.

 

This is what I think. I'm a woman who is very tied to the hearth and home and family. I choose good food, prepare it carefully and with much love, and serve it with love. When I cook, my heart goes into it. I feel this spiritual connection to women who have been tending the hearth over the millennium so it's much more for me than just putting a plate of food on the table. It's one of the primary ways I show love. So when it's rejected, my feelings get hurt. Especially when last week he drank it with a smile. ;)

 

Maybe that sounds corny to a lot of people, but it's the way I am. I know better - that he didn't do it intentionally - but that's how I am.

[amy g.]

It would not hurt my feelings, but then again I am the pickiest eater in my family.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:It wouldn't hurt my feelings, but I have a sensitive nose and stomach, and for me it's just food. If I don't like something, I do always try to be kind, and I remind myself when someone doesn't like my cooking creation, that it is just food. Since the way he said it did hurt your feelings, speak to him about it, and ask that he be sensitive to you.

 

I hope you feel better.

Edited January 30, 2011 by Tammyla

[Miss Sherry]

Whether or not my dh had an appetite for smoothies would not hurt my feelings. He didn't reject you. He was just letting you know he didn't want the smoothie. For some reason something we may like one day does not always appeal to us the next. It could have to do with what else he ate that day or some health issue coming on, such as a cold. I'd just let it go. It takes something a lot more abrasive than that to offend me. I've heard much worse. Yes, I do think you are being too sensitive in this instance.

[Britomart]

It wouldn't hurt my feelings; my husband and I have different tastes in food sometimes. For example, I love blue cheese, but I'm sure anything I made with it would taste "off" to my husband.

 

But if the way he says "no" hurts your feelings, probably you need to let him know that you'd prefer if he said "no" in a different way. Sometimes the way someone says something makes all the difference, and our preferences in communication are very personal.

 

So, if I were you, I'd think about how I would like to hear his "no" instead (Maybe, "thanks for the trouble of making it, but it just doesn't taste right to me today; I think I'll pass"), and let him know that I could hear his refusal better if he couched it differently. That's just sharing information fairly; how will he know unless you tell him, you know? My husband and I do that a lot for each other. The, "here, honey, this is how I feel when you say it that way. Do you mind saying it this way instead? I know it's my quirk, but it'd help me. Thank you."

 

Of course, that only works when intentions are good on both sides, but when both of you are intending good towards each other, it works really, really well. Sometimes I think the secret of marriage is assuming the best of each other, always.

 

So, he should feel free to tell you he doesn't like it, and you should feel free to tell him how you like to be spoken to. And if both of you are trying to help each other, it should be just fine.

[Karen in CO]

My dh and I have similar problems. When I cook something, if he tastes it and says it needs salt or if he puts hot sauce on something I didn't intend to have condiments, I feel insulted and hurt. I keep telling him that if the first thing he says isn't a compliment (even if he likes something) that I feel like he doesn't like it and doesn't appreciate my cooking.

 

In my mind, if he really liked it an appreciated my work that he would say something nice about it first.

 

I intellectually know that it is just a difference in the way the two of us communicate, but that doesn't make me feel better. I tell him he should always lead with a compliment when talking to women (and little girls), but he says he should be able to just be honest and say what he thinks without insulting us.

[Rosie_0801]

As you know, Peela, I'm a foodie type too. I'm good with criticism for the most part, unless it is something stupid like telling me my veggie lasagne would have been better with meat instead of veggies. :glare: I'd have been offended at having my question ignored. How hard is it to say "No, don't make me any more green smoothies for a while, I seem to be going off them" or "I dunno, I just don't feel like one today." My guess is his iron levels are high enough and that's making it taste bad to him.

 

Rosie

Edited January 30, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[Peela]

Thanks everyone.

This is by no means an isolated issue and he has got better with it over the years. He does try to compliment me more and express appreciation- but still, when he criticises the food, rather than taking responsiblity for his own extreme fussiness, I do seem to have unusually thin skin. He often talls me teh food tastes awful and tasteless because it has no salt- evne though I add plenty of salt for a normal person andhe jsut wants excessive amounts.

And yes, it probably is a love language for me. It is difficult because he is vegetarian, cant/wont eat beans or lentils, and doesnt actualyl like vegetables. And lately, he's decided all the cheese he was eating isn't so good either.

Then I have 2 non vegetarian kids, one with texture issues and also very fussy. I try to give them the healthiest food I can- and that they will eat.

ANd then- I want to eat healthy. ANd I dont want to cook 4 separate meals, thankyou!

So, an underlying issue is that dh has an expectation that I cater to his fussiness and his complaints feel manipulative- as in, this is awful dont you know I dont like ... or .....- rather than polite.

I do not expect anyone to eat anything they genuinely dont like. But dh wants me to make him green smoothies- but somehow to know also what he will and wont like- this one in no way had any off ingredients in it. He doesnt want to make his own and will sulk if I leave him out in future. So there are issues. I frequently get tough and dont make him the food I make everyone else and leave him to fend for himself- but then, I LOVE to make him food too, so when I am feeling that love expecially I will go back to trying my darndest to pleasing him.

 

 

Peela, are you familiar with The Work by Byron Katie? Maybe you would find some relief around this doing the work on it?

 

 

 

Thanks Melanie- yes, I am familiar with The Work and have used it many times. I do get that it is my feelings, my hurt, my responsilibity but I do not always live up to my highest understanding.

 

The only problem I would have is the way he said it. There was a better way he could have said he didn't want it.

 

Does your DH know how to make his own smoothies?

 

I know that may sound like a silly question but I had to show mine how to make them. Now he just makes his own the way he likes them.

 

Perhaps you just need to tell you DH that you are just going to let him make his own. That way he can make it the way he wants.

 

Yes- that would be simple and ideal. But he wont. And he will sulk if he sees me making them for everyone else and not him. I will probably stop making them for him, though. I do not like the waste that he will like this one but not that one and I cant tell which ones he will like.

 

I live with someone very similar to this. While I don't take personal offense at his comments, I do try to let him know that is is demoralizing and depressing to be around someone who is criticizing the food I am preparing for my family to eat. I often leave dh the responsibility for finding his own food, because I can't handle his extreme pickiness and related attitudes toward food.

 

Yes, I have done that too for periods of time and it usually helps him to become much more appreciative. He used to be much worse.

 

I understand, Peela! My fil never complimented his wife's cooking (and she was an excellent cook!) The only time he said anything was when something wasn't to his liking. Unfortunately, dh is much the same. He's not obnoxious like his father, but while he will often forget to say something is good, he is quick to offer opinions on how I might make something "better" next time. :glare:

 

As a man, I think he is used to saying things outright, and he really thinks he is helping me when in reality it hurts my feelings. I have threatened many times to stop cooking altogether. At least my kids have learned a valuable lesson about appreciation for the effort people make for them. They'd thank me and tell me it was yummy if I served them warmed-over dog food. :D

 

Lol, thanks for sharing that. I really don't want to be a martyr here, making food and feeling unappreciated. I am a reasonably good cook. Nowadays though, people really have so many food issues, its so hard to please everyone.

 

My husband is a very picky eater. This was a huge adjustment for me when we got married. He would complain if I cut up the celery too small in the pot pie, even though I carefully left out veggies on the "bad list". I found it horribly discouraging. I have mostly gotten used to it and made it about him and not me or my cooking. I know I am good cook. He is just a picky person. We have one son who is just like him. I am a sensitive person but I knew I had to find a way to not take this issue personally or I would be hurt all the time.

 

In the years we have been married, his eating habits have changed a bit very slowly. He will now eat apples...only green ones. No spinach ever. No smoothies ever. No way, no how. For years, he was paranoid that I had put spinach in everything to try to sneak in nutrients.:001_huh: That was an unfun stage. If I put onion in something, he refuses to eat it, even though he will eat sauteed onions with fajitas. The rules forbid onions in anything else, no matter how small the are chopped or how good they are for you or how little you can taste them. The kids love salmon patties, but when I cook them he complains so much about the smell and takes out the trash and sprays febreze everywhere that I have mostly given up making them, even though everyone else loves them and they are healthy.

 

Feel better now?;)

 

Yes, thankyou, I do :) My dh will also insist someone put the bins out if I put something in them he does like the smell of. He used to get very upset when I cooked meat the in house but has got over that, fortunately.

I woldnt mind if he didnt like smoothies- its the way he communicates.

 

 

maybe this upset you because of the context? ie. a general lack of appreciation or of attempts at control?

 

i also use the "oh good, more for the rest of us"....

 

i've also been known to say "wrong verb, dear. won't, not can't"

 

or

 

"oh, let's try that again. thank you for making me the smoothie dear. i'm not really in the mood for one right now though. would you like it?"

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

Thanks, they are good lines. I have used similar ones- sometimes i am thicker skinned and can let him know without feeling so hurt. This time I was caught by surprise at how hurt I felt.

 

What would have bothered me was that he said it tasted "off". So, that would mean that you're serving something that isn't safe to eat. "Off", to me, has the meaning that the ingredients have expired, are rotten, etc. You know that the ingredients were fresh, so his way of saying he didn't want a smoothie was to make the smoothie inedible. And, it would then make you and your teens wrong or not sensitive enough to realize that you shouldn't be drinking the smoothie either.

 

Yes, exactly. By making the smoothie "off" rather than just that he didnt like it, it felt far more personal than otherwise. Ultimately, I do know it isn't personal- its just him- but my hurt is still my hurt and I don't choose to be hurt, so I am looking at why.

 

I'm sitting here smiling. Not at the OP's post, but because it describes me so well. And over green smoothies, too. Some days dh drinks and says how good it is, and then sometimes he'll make this face. He says he didn't, but he did. I saw it. I've been looking at his face pushing 30 years now.

 

This is what I think. I'm a woman who is very tied to the hearth and home and family. I choose good food, prepare it carefully and with much love, and serve it with love. When I cook, my heart goes into it. I feel this spiritual connection to women who have been tending the hearth over the millennium so it's much more for me than just putting a plate of food on the table. It's one of the primary ways I show love. So when it's rejected, my feelings get hurt. Especially when last week he drank it with a smile. ;)

 

Maybe that sounds corny to a lot of people, but it's the way I am. I know better - that he didn't do it intentionally - but that's how I am.

 

I do relate, thankyou! I have been thinking lately- its like me criticising his work and being ungrateful.

 

As you know, Peela, I'm a foodie type too. I'm good with criticism for the most part, unless it is something stupid like telling me my veggie lasagne would have been better with meat instead of veggies. :glare: I'd have been offended at having my question ignored. How hard is it to say "No, don't make me any more green smoothies for a while, I seem to be going off them" or "I dunno, I just don't feel like one today." My guess is his iron levels are high enough and that's making it taste bad to him.

 

Rosie

 

Yes, and I am ok if he doesn't want them in general. But he wouldn't answer that- in fact he does want them- he just wants me to be able to read his mind and taste buds and make them so he likes them. I have no idea what was actually wrong with this one, so how can I do that anyway?

 

Thanks everyone. YOu have helped me process this and see what was more specifically getting to me, and hopefully I can deal with it better without getting resentful.

[Peela]

Dh apologised and really articulated his realisations of why I was upset. I am grateful that i could articulate it to him, because we hadn't really isolated what it was that upset me before. thanks everyone

[keptwoman]

I'm glad you were able to talk it through Peela.

[Audrey]

Yes, I would feel hurt. My dh will do much the same kind of thing if there is a hint of an ingredient he doesn't like. Sometimes he is right and the food wasn't like I usually do it. Sometimes I think he's just being overly fussy. Either way, I don't think that people you feed have a right to express their dissatisfaction with what you made in a snotty, mean or condescending manner.

 

There are nicer ways to say you don't like something. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your own family to use the nicer way.