My family is growing; likewise are the rude comments I'm getting.

[mommylawyer]

My husband and I are awaiting the birth of our fifth child - I'm due in April 2013. I've noticed as our family grows, the number of rude comments I receive increases with each pregnancy. People see me out and about with my four children, notice I'm expecting, and (I suppose) feel overwhelming compelled to make a comment. I don't get many congratulations, mind you. What I hear are things like:

 

"So, are you going to have any more after this one?"

"Are they all yours?"

"Do you know what causes that?"

 

One woman actually had the nerve to tell me, "STOP!"

 

I try to be gracious in my responses, or at least not as rude. Granted, the woman who told me to stop saw nothing but the back of my head after that comment. Tonight, at the grocery store, with my pregnant belly and four children in tow, the cashier asked me if I was trying to keep up with a local, well-known family with 12 children. After I explained that each of my children is a blessing, I told her that I'm pushing 40 now, so I don't think I'll make it to 12.

 

My children have started asking me why people say rude things to me. I've told them that people are ignorant or they may think they know better than my husband and I. I am, however, about to become equally rude. Tonight, I was tempted to tell the cashier (who was, by my best guess, in her late 50s), "I think my family size is mine and my husband's business - not yours."

 

I'm just wondering how you have or how you would handle this! Thanks!

[Sisyphus]

I only have 2, but I often have 2-4 other kids with me as they are sibling group friends with my two. Normally the set with 4, and the way they are sized, they appear to be stair steps and all related, ie, my kids. People say such rude things- its shocking! First, 6 isn't all that many anyway- I can see commenting in surprise to 9-10, but 6?

 

I am probably not qualified to really answer, since I only really have two, but to the really rude one old man in the commissary (do you know what causes that- soooo RUDE!) I leaned in close, lowered my voice, looked suggestive and breathed..."oh...yyyeeesss".

 

My older son who was 12 at the time about died, but it was so worth it. All the kids save the youngest knew what "what causes that" meant, and the question is just so incredibly rude!

 

So I vote for that, lol. It was pretty effective- I never saw an old guy move so fast!

[Rosie_0801]

Treat it like any other asinine small talk unless they seem to be trying to be rude, I guess.

 

"So, are you going to have any more after this one?"

"Maybe."

 

"Are they all yours?"

"Yep"

 

"Do you know what causes that?"

"Sure do" *wink*

 

 

One woman actually had the nerve to tell me, "STOP!"

"You too."

 

 

At least they weren't asking if they all had the same father. I got that once and I only have two! The "yes" I provided was chilly enough to freeze his ear hairs.

[Freckles]

I for one think it is wonderful that you have so many children. If I saw you at the store, I would say congratulations.

[PentecostalMom]

I get that as well and I "only" have three with me most of the time. You should see and hear what I get when I have my twin 5yo nephews and my 3yo niece! It's funny. FWIW, I don't think you should be rude. The comments about "what causes that: would garner a response such as, "Oh YEAH, and boy we LOOOOVE IT, can't you tell?" I remember when my two older dc were little I got comments then because they were so close together. It's just unreal the things people say. I usually tell people I am amazed that God trusts us so much to bless us like this! I am with you though, they are all blessings and I am hoping and praying for one more! I am 42, so not sure if that will happen. :/

[speedmom4]

I was very defensive when I was pregnant with my fourth. We already had two girls and one boy. No one thought we should have any more. I felt so protective of my unborn baby! I actually sent a nasty email to one of my closest friends warning her not to make any snide remarks (Hormones!!) She only had one child at the time. What's funny is that she now has four of her own and apologized for her comments in the past!

 

Congrats on your new little one!

 

Elise in NC

[bluemongoose]

 

 

At least they weren't asking if they all had the same father. I got that once and I only have two! The "yes" I provided was chilly enough to freeze his ear hairs.

 

 

I have gotten all of these, including the do they all have the same father. My favorite answer to the "Do you know what causes this?" is "yes! and it sure is fun!" Their reaction is usually priceless!

[SJ.]

I can not fathom what people are thinking when they make such rude comments. If it is your first baby or your 20th or anything in between congratulations are in order, IMO.

[besroma]

Another one: "How do you feed all of them?!?"...in front of them...in the grocery store. UGH.

[5LittleMonkeys]

I often wonder if people make those comments because moms of many make them feel inadequate. Maybe what's going through their head's is, "Good grief! I can't handle the two children I have, how can she handle five?! If I can't do it then she can't either so I better put her in her place and let her know she needs to stop deluding herself."

 

Don't let ignorant people get to you. When people make rude comments to me I usually just laugh and say, "Yeah, like I haven't heard THAT one before" and then they get the back of my head.

[bolt.]

First: I love that you have a large-ish family, and I love that you love it!

 

Second: I know that some people really can be phenomenally rude.

 

But, with genuine gentleness, I wonder if perhaps you are making one lump out of two completely different groups of people.

 

What I mean is that, in public, many people feel compelled simply to be chatty. Usually, that starts with a comment about the obvious, such as the weather, the length of the check out line, the things you've chosen for your groceries, your sweater, your shoes, the gender and number of the children you have with you, and the possibility of an upcoming blessing in your life.

 

These opening comments are often dryly humorous, which, when it comes to kids and pregnancy might cross some line into feeling a bit personal... but I don't think comments like, "Don'ch'a know what causes that?" or "You sure have your hands full!" -- when said with a smile, are meant to be a rude critique of your family size. Generally they are simple comments in the same vein as, "That's some rain we're having! Any cats or dogs falling at your place?" It's just a statement of the obvious, with a touch of irony: the obvious fact that you happen to be in a public space surrounded by children. (And, "Are they all yours" is just an indirect way of asking, "Do you run a dayhome, because I know someone who could use one, and you seem to have a good touch with all those kids." -- so you could probably take it as a compliment.)

 

So, I know the comments on the more normal side (if a bit too personal) certainly hit a nerve when *some* people have the nerve to treat you rudely... but I'd love for you not to feel so uncomfortable. Maybe *some* people are just trying to open conversation with their foot in their mouth. I imagine that nobody mentions your sweater or the weather any more, since your kids are so much the available topic, so I'm sure this stuff is on your last nerve. I hope I haven't added any offense. I don't think the world is against big families, but they sure do seem to want to chat about family choices when someone is trailed by a lovely little flock like I'm sure yours are.

[peachskittles]

I try my hardest to ignore the comments. I have five at home, with another two that come for visitation occasionally. Seeing us all together when we go out together (especially when my oldest children are here) gets us lots of eyebrow raises. After the birth my most recent son I did get a comment of "snip, snip" on my FB page. *sigh* I smile and tell people that we are blessed to have what we do as not everyone gets the opportunity. We are actually talk about another in a few years and I've already heard a lot of comments of "Why?" or "That isn't a good idea" or other stupid comments that I've just ignored.

[Dory]

When I was a teenager I had someone ask me if any of us kids were accidents ( seven kids in my family growing up). I looked at them and said, "Well, us first 5 were practice runs. When they had the twins they knew they finally got it right."

My mom had comments like the ones thrown at you sent her way all the time. We learned to get a little sarcastic and laugh it off. It is annoying sometimes though

[Jennifer3141]

I don't know if the size of the family matters.

 

I was in the supermarket bleeding from a MC when the checkout clerk said to me, "One boy? One girl? A million dollar family! Congrats!"

 

For some reason, people think they can comment on the size of your family or the gender of your children with impunity. Be as rude as you feel like back to them. :laugh:

 

For a society that is as messed up about sexuality as ours it, this topic has always kind of fascinated me.

[pehp]

I love seeing a large family, so I always say words of encouragement if the situation arises.

 

Honestly not sure how I would respond. I've had a few people say 'you've got your hands full!' when I am with my two relatively calm children. 'my heart is too!' is a good response.

 

But rude comments about what causes it, are you done etc....I have no clue how I would respond. I think it would be very annoying.

[PrincessMommy]

I'm sorry. I went through that too when my kids were little. :grouphug: It can be very discouraging.

[HappyCrazyMama]

I have said that we were planning on stopping once we had an ugly one. :tongue_smilie:

[justamouse]

I'm just wondering how you have or how you would handle this! Thanks!

 

I've heard them all. You are now officially in the freak zone (3+, it seems). Most of the time I just take way they say and turn it around in a positive way. But, like I said in another thread, there've been times I wanted to line the kids up and ask which few I should give back...

 

 

Congratulations, btw! :grouphug:

[Arcadia]

I have two boys and I keep getting the "when are you going to have a girl" comment eventhough I am 40 and look close to my age. I still have not figure a polite answer to that so I kept my mouth shut.

[idnib]

You guys are so polite.

 

I only have 2 kiddos, but if someone asked me "do you know what causes that?" I'd have to do the index finger through the A-OK circle, if you know what I mean. Or feign ignorance and say no and tell them you hope they can explain?

[JeneralMom]

I occassionally get comments like "your hands are full" or "are they all yours" but generally not too many. I have heard some people say behind my back as we are walking through the shops "wow, that's a tribe" or something to that effect but I actually generally get positive comments.

[jelbe5]

Congratulations!!!!!! I am sorry you have to deal with silly questions/comments, but I am so happy for you, your blessings and your new addition. Yay!

[Impish]

Wolf got a line from a comedien. "We had to keep going til we got one we liked." Only said when kids aren't around, of course.

[idnib]

Wolf got a line from a comedien. "We had to keep going til we got one we liked." Only said when kids aren't around, of course.

 

My younger brother and I always teased each other about this. I would say I was so easy and such a good kid they decided to have another, unaware of what was coming. He would say they had to keep going until they got one they liked.

[minuway]

I have two boys and I keep getting the "when are you going to have a girl" comment eventhough I am 40 and look close to my age. I still have not figure a polite answer to that so I kept my mouth shut.

 

 

I get a lot of comments with my 4 - its incredibly annoying. When I'm juggling my kids, groceries, managing misbehavior, the last thing I need is someone chirping "WOW, you've got your hands full!" and all I want to do is tell them where to shove it. While I fully support snarky comments, I do agree that for a lot of people its just lack of thought and the desire to make conversation over an express desire to judge you. Like above, it seems like any female's reproductive situation is fair game for comment in today's culture. I think people have stopped learning to be discreet and recognize that these are issues that are really not polite to bring up in casual conversation.

[Guest inoubliable]

I have two boys and I keep getting the "when are you going to have a girl" comment eventhough I am 40 and look close to my age. I still have not figure a polite answer to that so I kept my mouth shut.

 

I get that one a lot. Three boys and people still ask me when I'm going to have a girl. There was a woman at the park once who was sitting with a friend of hers, complaining about her teenage daughter. She went on and on about how rude and inconsiderate and ungrateful this girl was. The kids and I packed up to go and as we passed her she asked if I was going to try for a little girl soon. I looked her dead in the eye and said, "Nope. I feel like I really dodged a bullet the last three times. I'm not taking any chances." Her friend almost fell off the bench laughing.

[KungFuPanda]

I'm not sure "You've got your hands full" counts as horrifically rude. It's a conversation starter, or an attempt at empathy, but it seems it's just one of those things folks say when they notice someone else working. I've had it said to me at the grocery store when I shopped with one out-of-sorts toddler. To most people, shopping with five kids might seem like work that's worth acknowledging.

 

I have no similar defense for "Don't you know what causes that?" That's just a weird thing o say to someone you don't know.

[ForeverFamily]

I am so glad that we are having another boy. We have had so many people say to us "So you finally got that boy!" I had one lady ask us something to the effect of "I just have to ask, did you just figure you would try one more time to see if you could get a boy." Once our next little guy is born I suppose the comments will probably change, maybe for the worst. I will just be glad that people can maybe see, cross my fingers, that we didn't keep having kids just to get a boy. I have been delighted with the gender of each of our children. And I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. I have also had a lot of people ask if we are done having kids after this one, I think I usually shock them with my very confident response of "probably not!"

 

I did realize at 3 kids we did start to get funny looks from people. That was just weird to me, because 3 kids does not seem like a whole lot. Maybe it is because on my husband's side the average family size is anywhere from 3 to 6, some with even more. I can't imagine what people are thinking when they see our family with 4 soon to be 5 kids.

 

I am sorry to hear you have had some lousy comments. I have felt badly for my sister in law and her husband for all of the horrible comments I have heard them receive. One I personally witnessed was "I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy." I am not sure if, like others have commented, that most people really think before they speak. They may just not know how to react to something they are not personally familar with.

 

Congratulations by the way!

 

ETA: I have received the comment of "do you know what causes that" before. My response was a sarcastic, "No, What?" Lol, I got a pretty funny reaction (it has to be with just the right person to have that response work! ;) ). I also regularly recieve the comment of "You have your hands full", I probably get that one at least once a week at church. Hang in there and keep your head held high. Some day when all of your children and grandchildren come to visit all those nay sayers may be jealous ;) !

[violamama]

The hands full thing is usually empathy or respect, is it not?

I'm hoping so, anyway, because otherwise even with just two, I've been missing out on prime ticked-offness. I hate to miss out on times when I can complain to my husband about people these days.

 

You should hear some of the dumb and invasive stuff folks say when they find out we want to adopt...

 

Seriously, though, congratulations and I hope you get many more of the positive & supportive comments!

[carriede]

I don't know if the size of the family matters.

 

I was in the supermarket bleeding from a MC when the checkout clerk said to me, "One boy? One girl? A million dollar family!

 

 

I often get the, "One of each! Looks like you're all set!" type comments.

 

They wouldn't say that if they could see all the baby stuff in my attic! :)

[butterflymommy]

It depends on who's saying it or how nasty they are. My normal response is to say brightly: "people assume we're religious fanatics, but we're just sloppy with birth control..." and that gets them to shut up.

 

I'm lucky in that my kids are very beautiful and sweet (in public :glare: ) so that tends to butter people up.

[Halftime Hope]

nm

[Reya]

I am sometimes out with my neighbor's (obviously) disabled child and her older child, who are between mine in age (but her oldest is half a head taller than mine, so people assume he's the eldest of all). First, it baffles me that people think they can AT ALL be related, since my kids are mixed race and hers and blue-eyed blondes. I mean, GENETICS, FOLKS. What do they think I did? Alternated husbands?

 

That aside, I've mostly had veiled comments about being surprised that I "kept going"--ranging from being brave to lucky--because of the disabled kid. And I'm like, geez, what if he is mine? If I set up a trust to deal with him as an adult, whose business is it? Does he look so unhappy to be alive that it would be a crime to risk another? REALLY?

 

I do get comments about the spacing of my kids when we are out alone, from wondering if they have the same father (since they are both half-Asian and look EXACTLY ALIKE, yes, yes they do) to wondering if one or the other was an accident. I tell people that my other babies all died before they were born. Usually shocks them into silence and maybe they'll think twice about asking nosy questions again.

[momto10blessings]

I take all 8 kids out grocery shopping and errand running and get all kinds of comments every single time. I've heard it all and it gets OLD! "Are they all yours? Are you done? You ARE done, right? Is your husband fixed now (said with 1 wk old in my arms)? DO you know what causes that? Is your TV broken? You need a hobby! You are poisoning the earth! Overpopulation is a real problem! There are other ways to stay warm in the winter, you know! Please do not have any more." UGH!!

I just smile and walk away. It just gets old and I need to do so for my sanity! I just try to focus on the nice things people say about my family. For a while I wrote everything nice down in a journal and realized that people do say a lot of nice things- you just have to focus on them. For a while I trained my then 7 yr old to reply when someone asked if we were done, he'd say "Nooo... I need more brothers to play with!" That got them every time.

[Faithr]

My response is to turn the question around and say with a look of umbrage, "Do you always ask such rude questions or am I just lucky today?"

[Scarlett]

First: I love that you have a large-ish family, and I love that you love it!

 

Second: I know that some people really can be phenomenally rude.

 

But, with genuine gentleness, I wonder if perhaps you are making one lump out of two completely different groups of people.

 

What I mean is that, in public, many people feel compelled simply to be chatty. Usually, that starts with a comment about the obvious, such as the weather, the length of the check out line, the things you've chosen for your groceries, your sweater, your shoes, the gender and number of the children you have with you, and the possibility of an upcoming blessing in your life.

 

These opening comments are often dryly humorous, which, when it comes to kids and pregnancy might cross some line into feeling a bit personal... but I don't think comments like, "Don'ch'a know what causes that?" or "You sure have your hands full!" -- when said with a smile, are meant to be a rude critique of your family size. Generally they are simple comments in the same vein as, "That's some rain we're having! Any cats or dogs falling at your place?" It's just a statement of the obvious, with a touch of irony: the obvious fact that you happen to be in a public space surrounded by children. (And, "Are they all yours" is just an indirect way of asking, "Do you run a dayhome, because I know someone who could use one, and you seem to have a good touch with all those kids." -- so you could probably take it as a compliment.)

 

So, I know the comments on the more normal side (if a bit too personal) certainly hit a nerve when *some* people have the nerve to treat you rudely... but I'd love for you not to feel so uncomfortable. Maybe *some* people are just trying to open conversation with their foot in their mouth. I imagine that nobody mentions your sweater or the weather any more, since your kids are so much the available topic, so I'm sure this stuff is on your last nerve. I hope I haven't added any offense. I don't think the world is against big families, but they sure do seem to want to chat about family choices when someone is trailed by a lovely little flock like I'm sure yours are.

 

 

I totally agree. I am one such person who makes dumb comments in public because I am very chatty. I really watch what I say now due to my years on the WTM boards hearing that half the things I say offend some people. Older people OFTEN say " doncha know what causes that" and honestly I do not think it is really meant to be a judgment most of the time. Heck I've heard my mom say that and she VERY much thinks family size is a personal matter and that all babies are blessings to be celebrated. I am sure it has been said in rudeness....I guess I would have to hear tone to know.

 

I do believe there are rude and hateful people and saying "stop!" Is over the top. Dealing with that. Well I lean toward Rosie's suggestions.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: I'd be tempted to pardon me them to death or ask them to MYOB.

 

Congratulations!

[staceyobu]

I highly recommend Jim Gaffigan's "Mr. Universe" comedy on Netflix! He does a whole thing about what life is like with four kids. It is soooo funny. He just had his fifth. I think he is catholic?

[Quad Shot Academy]

If I take all the kids out, I don't think I make it more than 10 minutes without a comment of some sort! About half are encouraging or supportive. About 40% are what I think are meant to be funny or just general chat, but come across as kind of rude, like "Are you done?" The last 10% are terrible. I have gotten over it and really don't care anymore.

 

If it is family, I will say things like: Which one would you give back? Would you really be that surprised to find out we are having another one? Are you saying we are doing a bad job raising them? Would you really not love another one? Is it going to effect your life that much?

 

I usually ignore rude strangers but sometimes I say: You should be happy since they will be paying for your social security; Children are a huge blessing and I love every second of being with them. One lady was repeatedly so obnoxious to me and my kids that I told the manager of her store. He spoke with witnesses that confirmed what she said and she no longer works with customers. Usually I find that the obnoxious ones have some point they want to make, so I ask them questions. Usually they had a bad homeschool or large family experience. I emphasize with them and explain that we do things differently. Sometimes I thank them for their life experience and say that it is something to watch out for. Sometimes I laugh and say that can be a danger of a large family, but I had the exact opposite problem of being in a small family and didn't like it for x, y, z reason. It usually ends on a cheery note that hopefully gets them thinking about how negative they feel about their children or that every family dynamic will have its plusses and minuses. It truly saddens me how many people tell me how much they dislike their own children and do anything to get away from them so they can't imagine having more. If they have young children I encourage them to get the situation turned around. They way I write that, I probably end up being more annoying and offensive than them and they are probably on some message board writing about me butting into their parenting skills! :laugh:

[gardenmom5]

My husband and I are awaiting the birth of our fifth child - I'm due in April 2013.

Congratulations :-) I have five too, and I know all about how rude people can be. (I actually started getting rude remarks when I was pregnant with #3)

 

What I hear are things like:

 

"So, are you going to have any more after this one?"

"Are they all yours?"

"Do you know what causes that?"

 

One woman actually had the nerve to tell me, "STOP!"

 

I try to be gracious in my responses, or at least not as rude.

 

sometimes, a frozen smile and hard stare and a "how nice (or a blunt "gracious") of you to say so." mind, it will go over their heads. but they'll usually be too busy scratching their heads to continue. really most of them don't deserve anything more than an indignant "I beg your pardon!" you could also return the favor by asking "do you always ask such personal questions?" with a pointed stare. On no condition should you answer their questions or attempt to justify your family size. It really is none of their business.

 

if you want to have some fun, to the person who asks if you know what causes your stomach to enlarge and pop out a baby you can play dumb and try and get them to be more explicit. this works BEST in a big crowd within hearing range as the "commenter" will usually end up quite red in the face. (and deservedly so. snicker.)

 

don't get into 'discussions' over your family size with strangers. It falls under the category of teaching a pig to sing. (it wastes your time, and annoys the pig.)

 

and to all the people who will defend this behavior, even if they aren't the ones asking the questions, under the guise of "they're trying to be friendly" (and I've met those too.) - um, no they're not.

 

 

eta: oh yes, and then there is the ever ubiquitous "bless your heart". (tone and facial expression can vary the meaning.)

[Beth S]

I just laugh out loud at the person as my response. If they are intending to be rude, then they deserve it. If it's an innocent question, then it loosens their tension and we share a happy moment.

 

If it's an older person (senior citizen) asking, I usually respond with, "And don't they grow up so quickly?"

Which makes them immediately go back in their memory to when they had little ones. Changes their tone immediately. And we start reminiscing.

 

Really, I want to change that person's mind just a little. I don't want to get into an argument, OR expect them to WANT 5 kids. But I do want them to get a glimpse that childhood is fleeting, that I am a happy, contented person . . . and that my kids are fine. :)

[gardenmom5]

I'm not sure "You've got your hands full" counts as horrifically rude.

maybe not horrifically rude, but most definitely tiresome and vacuous.

[mama2cntrykids]

You know, it's mind-boggling to me that ppl have the gall to comment about the size of others' families? I mean, how RUDE! None of their beeswax!

[Shellers]

I often wonder if people make those comments because moms of many make them feel inadequate. Maybe what's going through their head's is, "Good grief! I can't handle the two children I have, how can she handle five?! If I can't do it then she can't either so I better put her in her place and let her know she needs to stop deluding herself."

 

Don't let ignorant people get to you. When people make rude comments to me I usually just laugh and say, "Yeah, like I haven't heard THAT one before" and then they get the back of my head.

 

:iagree:

 

People used to always ask me if I ran a daycare. :confused1:

[cin]

My two are adopted and are obviously a different race than I am. The only remark that has really crossed the line was someone asking if they are sisters. With the two girls standing there. I just said yup and quickly walked away. Really? Do you need to give my child ideas? I'm sure I'll have enough problems with 2 girls during puberty, please don't help them out!

[Durriyyah]

I only have the two so far, with one on the way (also in April!), but I'm surprised how many people ask if we're going to have more. Why have we come to a place in society where we are expected to only have 2 children?

 

People just like to hear themselves talk... I'm starting to learn this. I think people feel so entitled to their opinion they figure everyone else should hear it too. Blah.

[Wheres Toto]

I get the "hands full" comments all the time when I'm out with my younger two. They are active and excited and people assume they are twins since they look a lot alike and are similar in size (they assume a girl twin will be slightly smaller so it works out). Since they are a hand full and I usually will go out without them, I don't get offended.

 

The rudest thing we've had was when people assume my oldest is the mother to my younger two, usually with rude comments about teenage pregnancies. She's only 18 now but she could pass for 18 for at least a few years. We went to a retirement party for one of dh's professors when she was about 13 and people kept asking her what professors she had. She was in Junior High.

[VinNY]

I have 8 kids. I started getting lots of comments like that when I had #5. I stopped shopping with them all because one time my kids asked why people call me "crazy" when we are at the store. That day someone asked,"Are these all yours?" When I replied in the affirmative, the response to that was "You are crazy!"

 

Anyway I got to the point where I would just look around and comment, "Last I looked, we're not living in China."

 

On another note, my husband would receive nothing but sweet and endearing comments whenever he was out with a brood of kids. Go figure. Now that I am older I don't care what anyone says and I make sure I am extra nice to all the young parents struggling with 1,2 or 6 or more children.

[blondeviolin]

I'm constantly dumbfounded that more than two meant we had a large family. :001_huh: Some of the comments we get are because ours are all close together.

 

Now I get big family comments AND shouldn't-they-be-in-school comments.

[PrairieSong]

My midwife had the best answer to the old do-you-know-what-causes-that question. Look very wide-eyed and say, "We'll, we THOUGHT we knew, but if that we're the case, we'd have THOUSANDS of them by now." Then smile sweetly.