pretty sure i made the wrong decision. alas.

[Noreen Claire]

I have so many words, but they are mostly incoherent.......

I decided to go back to work. I didn't NEED to go back right now, but I felt maybe this was a good time, so I enrolled all four kids in the local grammar school and I took a job there, too.

I'm fairly sure that I made the wrong choice.

Don' get me wrong - I love the *teaching* part. I love the kids and the relationships and the math. It is every other damn thing about it that is awful.

Awful?

Stressful?

Stupid?

Disappointing?

IT IS SO MUCH MORE &*%$ WORK TO GET MYSELF AND FOUR KIDS UP,  DRESSED, FED, LUNCHES PACKED, AND OUT OF THE HOUSE EVERY DAMN MORNING. So much more work to get everyone home and fed and homework done. No time -- NO TIME -- to do the things we loved to do together - museums, day trips, playgrounds, rabbit trails in the curriculum, learning what we want, leisurely trips to the library multiple times a week, outside time in the daylight and fresh air, etc... And it almost all falls on me. DH has taken over the laundry and the dishes, but that's the mindless, easy, little stuff. I still have all the heavy lifting, plus more now that we're outside the house.

EVERYONE IS CONSTANTLY SICK.  NOT A SINGLE DAY WITHOUT COUGH/FEVER/SNIFFLES/EAR INFECTIONS/STOMACH VIRUS/ANTIBIOTICS/ER VISITS/MORE COUGHING/MORE SNIFFLING IN TEN WEEKS! I've got a follow-up next week, and I will have put on (more) weight and my ADHD meds will need to be upped, because it's not cutting it anymore.

[I wrote and deleted many other paragraphs about my kids and all the ways learning at home was better for them. I'll just skip that for now.]

There's nothing to be done about it. I made the decision, and now I have to stick with it. DH says, "you can change your mind at the end of the year," but I cannot imagine that he would want to give up the salary I'm making once we're used to depending on it. 

Not a day goes by that I don't seriously think about quitting...

DH went to the library to pick up a book for me and the librarians at the desk were worried, because it was *only one book* and we hadn't been around much. She asked him if I was sick... He told me this story and I started weeping in my kitchen. The only people who are sad for me and my kids are the librarians. My DH and my BFF and my family all think it so SO GREAT that the boys and I all go to the same school together! It must be so wonderful! So convenient! So much fun! They have no idea what I made us all give up.

I miss homeschooling. 😞

[NorthwestMom]

Hugs to you Noreen! That sounds so hard. 

[Frances]

I’m so sorry it’s not turned out as you hoped. It does sound like your husband would be open to you quitting after this year if things don’t substantially improve. 

[Junie]

😞  Sending hugs to you.  That's a lot.

[Not_a_Number]

I'm so sorry you're regretting the decision. It sucks. 

I'll just say one thing: whether your DH wants to give up the salary or not, it's not his choice alone. If you're unhappy, that has a lot of weight. And your kids will have their own opinions, too. 

How are they feeling about school? 

Edited November 5, 2022 by Not_a_Number

[Ellie]

4 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I'll just say one thing: whether your DH wants to give up the salary or not, it's not his choice alone. If you're unhappy, that has a lot of weight. And your kids will have their own opinions, too.

This right here.

[klmama]

So sorry the transition isn't going as well as you'd hoped. Instead of getting used to spending the increased income, could you bank it or pay down debt?  Then at the end of the year, you could go back home and still be ahead. 

FWIW, many schools offer returning teachers their next year contracts in February or March. So you may need to make a decision before the end of the year.

 

[MercyA]

Are you taking votes? Because I 100% vote for you quitting at Christmas. 🙂 If not then, at the end of the year.

It's not working out the way you hoped. That's okay. And it doesn't matter what other people think--except your DH, and as others have pointed out, it's not a one-person decision.

Huge hugs.

Edited November 5, 2022 by MercyA

[Ting Tang]

I say quit, too. I’m a mom of 4 who hates illness! 

[Junie]

6 minutes ago, MercyA said:

Are you taking votes? Because I 100% vote for you quitting at Christmas. 🙂 If not then, at the end of the year.

It's not working out the way you hoped. That's okay. And it doesn't matter what other people think--except your DH, and as others have pointed out, it's not a one-person decision.

Huge hugs.

This is my vote, too.  

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

[Shoeless]

Casting my vote for quitting. I hope you can hand in your resignation at the end of this calendar year!

[Mom_to3]

If the kids feel similarly or are indifferent, I'd quit after this term is over, too...The 0/10 in your signature is quite telling!! Now if the kids love school - I'd stick with it a bit longer.

[*****]

I would say to put in your resignation after the Christmas break.  My daughter went to kindergarten even though we had contemplated homeschooling.  She wanted to quit at Christmas. Like you said, the constant get up and go, the 45 minute bus ride even though we lived 15 minutes from school, the wasted time with non-learning activities at school. I wanted to pull her out too. My dh was worried that it would teach her to quit when the going got tough. But you know, she was 5, I hardly figured that decision would impress on her for life. I regretted that I didn't follow my better judgement. I get the exhaustion,  sicknesses, etc. It's ok if this didn't work for your family right now. Hugs.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It sounds like you need to have a very frank conversation with your dh about how you feel and how it's affecting your kids. 

[Kassia]

Oh, that sounds awful.  It would be hard enough short-term but it seems like there's no end to this if you continue.  I am also wondering what your kids think but it sounds like this is not a good long-term situation for you.  I'm sorry.

[Melissa in Australia]

hugs

[Eos]

I was one who supported your exploration when you posted about it earlier - now on Team Quit Midyear. 

It sounds like a lot of the stress is how much of the logistics falls on you: the getting up and out, the emotional/mental labor of supporting sick kids.  If your DH can't examine and then split this stuff 50/50, it won't change your burden.  The constant illness and interacting with medical people is just insult to injury.

What really won't change even if DH steps up with his side of the infrastructure is the loss of your cherished time with your kids.  Life is short, make it sweet.

Edited November 5, 2022 by Eos

[DawnM]

My first try back to work when the kids were much younger didn't go so well.   It was more like you are describing.  I DID quit half way thought the year.   And I stayed home another several years.   Now I am back and will work until retirement.

There are always two schools of thought on this.....one is to say, "It may get better, wait a while and see if you still feel that way in May" and the other is, "Get out and revisit going back when the kids are older"  All that to say.......there is no "right" answer.   

I do have some questions:

1. Do the kids want to stay in school?   Or do they also miss being home and homeschooling?

2. Will the loss of income significantly alter anything if it isn't there?   And by that I don't mean just your income yearly, but retirement?   

3. Are you currently staying home every time a child is sick, or do you have someone to watch them when they are home?

 

[scholastica]

I would say work to the end of the school year and see how you feel then. Also, since both of you are working full time, your dh should be evenly splitting the work in the home. Laundry and dishes are not enough. If he has to do 1/2 the work along with his job, he’s more likely to see that there’s a time cost to working that is not made up by the extra $$. That labor should not mostly fall on you. You are both parents of these children and responsible for the home. If one of you stays home, it makes sense that person does more. If one of you is homeschooling or teaching the burden should be split equitably.

[Hilltopmom]

It is tough. I’m there too. It does get better- the sickness, the routine, etc. But it’s still hectic, that’s just the way it is for 2 working adults with kids.

some things around the house we just let go. Deep cleaning is a winter break and summer thing. Museums we do on school breaks and are at the door when they open. Hiking is on weekends. Groceries I do one night a week while ds is at dance. I try to get out to water aerobics 2 nights a week and read for pleasure a few nights after the kids are in bed. Only the 1 kid does an outside activity.

Saturdays are our fun days and on Sunday we clean bathrooms, meal plan and prep.

We usually split who stays home with sick kids but dh just accepted a new job so it will be me this year while he adjusts to new place. But he will start at 8 instead of 6:30 so he’s going to be helping with the kids morning routine now. We also have my parents locally to help with watching sick kids.

I also teach online PD for teachers but I like it and it’s on my own time since all are asynchronous. 
 

But yeah-big lifestyle change. I stayed home till the grown kids were nearing the end of high school. This set of younger kids are doing fine at school for the most part and enjoy it. We wanted my benefits and need the retirement system so here we are. I too love the actual teaching part 🙂

Best of luck.

ETA- our librarians also judge how my year is going by how often I’m there to check out books “for me” 😂 

Edited November 5, 2022 by Hilltopmom

[kristin0713]

I’m so sorry. I would have a very real conversation with DH and say “I’m absolutely miserable. I cannot do this anymore.” Is keeping them in school and substitute teaching an option? I know it’s not as much money but you could do it as much or little as you want. Might be a compromise? 

[alisoncooks]

Oh, I’m sorry. That sucks so bad. I get it, in a very minor way.  We enrolled oldest dd in community college courses this semester (great exposure! free college credits!). It has also sucked so bad. She’s been nothing but stressed and anxious. She’s had no time for hobbies or friends (or library and museum days!) We’re actually done at Christmas and not registering for any more classes. But…I imagine it’d be much harder to quit if there were a salary involved and kids were having fun. 😞

Edited November 5, 2022 by alisoncooks

[Noreen Claire]

7 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

How are they feeling about school? 

I think it depends on the day, and the kid.

7 hours ago, klmama said:

Instead of getting used to spending the increased income, could you bank it or pay down debt? 

I've been saving about 80-85% of my pay each week. Though, taking this job has been expensive to start! Everyone needed school "stuff", and I continue to have to buy things for my classroom every week. 

5 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

It sounds like you need to have a very frank conversation with your dh about how you feel and how it's affecting your kids. 

He knows, mostly.

2 hours ago, Eos said:

It sounds like a lot of the stress is how much of the logistics falls on you: the getting up and out, the emotional/mental labor of supporting sick kids.  If your DH can't examine and then split this stuff 50/50, it won't change your burden.  The constant illness and interacting with medical people is just insult to injury.

What really won't change even if DH steps up with his side of the infrastructure is the loss of your cherished time with your kids.  Life is short, make it sweet.

1 hour ago, scholastica said:

I would say work to the end of the school year and see how you feel then. Also, since both of you are working full time, your dh should be evenly splitting the work in the home. Laundry and dishes are not enough. If he has to do 1/2 the work along with his job, he’s more likely to see that there’s a time cost to working that is not made up by the extra $$. That labor should not mostly fall on you. You are both parents of these children and responsible for the home. If one of you stays home, it makes sense that person does more. If one of you is homeschooling or teaching the burden should be split equitably.

When I said that he's taken over the laundry and the dishes, I meant that *in addition to* the stuff he has always done. He does as close to half of the driving kids, the housework, etc. as he can. He puts the kids to bed most nights. But, he also works two other jobs in addition to teaching high school (he teaches night school at the high school one night a week, so he's not home on Tuesdays until after the kids are in bed, and he's teaching one asynchronous college course so he's got random student zoom meetings during the week). One of my main stressors is getting everyone up and out each day, and he cannot help with that because he leaves for work by 5:15am each day. I get up at 5, get the kids up at 6, and we need to be in the car a few minutes before 7am so my 8th grader can make it to his math class at the high school by 7:15. (It should be a 5-min drive, but the school traffic is awful!)

But, I am the one with all the mental load, still. Who needs shoes? Where are the warm jackets, and who needs a new one?  When is the next dentist/orthodontist/pedi appt? etc. I will also readily admit that I have a hard time giving up mental load to him, as I have control issues and I want/need things done a certain way. It's also just easier to have one person in charge of all of the logistical stuff.

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

1. Do the kids want to stay in school?   Or do they also miss being home and homeschooling?

2. Will the loss of income significantly alter anything if it isn't there?   And by that I don't mean just your income yearly, but retirement?   

3. Are you currently staying home every time a child is sick, or do you have someone to watch them when they are home?

1. The youngest is enjoying school now, but September was rough. He's also been the sickest. The 8th grader is enjoying the social aspects; he loves being around friends. He also enjoys being in the band (he's learning a 3rd instrument). He does realize that he's not getting quite the same level of education -- he asked me the other day, out of the blue, if we could start learning Latin again! The 3rd grader loves being around kids all day, but the need to be good, quiet, and still during school hours might just kill him. He comes home absolutely fried each day, hungry and tired and out of spoons. I also think he's gone backwards in his reading from where he was in the summer, so I'm trying to figure out how to get that in with him each day without him thinking we are doing more school. My 5th grader is completely academically unchallenged with 5th grade work, but our goals for him are social this year. (He's got a recent ASD diagnosis.) I am happy that the Special Ed director at the school recognizes that the school academics are not appropriate for children with his abilities, and she's trying to figure out how we can challenge him while also leaving him in the 5th grade classroom so that he can continue to interact with age-appropriate peers.

2. I need 2.5 years to be vested in the state pension system. In four years there will be kids to send to college, which is why I figured it was time to go back to work, as I could pay off debt, make repairs/upgrades to the house, and buy a new car before we need to start paying for colleges.

3. Dh has taken 3 of the 5 sick days so far between us. I've had my dad and his dad each come stay a day with a sick kid. My mom retired last week (::happy dance::), so she said that she would be happy to help as much as I needed. And just in time, too, as I have a professional development day next week and all my kids have the day off!

 

[Noreen Claire]

1 hour ago, Hilltopmom said:

It is tough. I’m there too. It does get better- the sickness, the routine, etc. But it’s still hectic, that’s just the way it is for 2 working adults with kids.

some things around the house we just let go. Deep cleaning is a winter break and summer thing. Museums we do on school breaks and are at the door when they open. Hiking is on weekends. Groceries I do one night a week while ds is at dance. I try to get out to water aerobics 2 nights a week and read for pleasure a few nights after the kids are in bed. Only the 1 kid does an outside activity.

Saturdays are our fun days and on Sunday we clean bathrooms, meal plan and prep.

We usually split who stays home with sick kids but dh just accepted a new job so it will be me this year while he adjusts to new place. But he will start at 8 instead of 6:30 so he’s going to be helping with the kids morning routine now. We also have my parents locally to help with watching sick kids.

I also teach online PD for teachers but I like it and it’s on my own time since all are asynchronous. 
 

But yeah-big lifestyle change. I stayed home till the grown kids were nearing the end of high school. This set of younger kids are doing fine at school for the most part and enjoy it. We wanted my benefits and need the retirement system so here we are. I too love the actual teaching part 🙂

Best of luck.

ETA- our librarians also judge how my year is going by how often I’m there to check out books “for me” 😂 

I might put just put aside a bit of money each week for a cleaning person to do the bathrooms and floors. This would take something off my plate and be worth the cost. I've been having groceries delivered, because I can add to the order all week and not have to lose two hours to grocery shopping.

The fall soccer season ends this weekend, so I'm hoping that things will slow down a tiny bit and we can do more fun things again on the weekend or evenings (though, there are still 3 music lessons and an orchestra practice each week). 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I'm so sorry you are feeling stressed. Could it just be a rough adjustment period? The illnesses aren't helping and that is enough to push anyone over the edge. Perhaps, once everything settles a bit and you are able to figure out a new rhythm, you will feel better. Life changes are difficult, messy, stressful, and strange.

Are there areas you can give up some of your control? Just let things slide for a bit until you are feeling better?

Do you write things down? Do you use a planner? A whiteboard? What are your coping mechanisms to help you through each day, week, season?

[Noreen Claire]

55 minutes ago, kristin0713 said:

I’m so sorry. I would have a very real conversation with DH and say “I’m absolutely miserable. I cannot do this anymore.” Is keeping them in school and substitute teaching an option? I know it’s not as much money but you could do it as much or little as you want. Might be a compromise? 

Subbing is no where near the same amount of money, and really wouldn't be worth it. Plus, I need 2.5 more full-time years to be vested in the pension system.

[Noreen Claire]

1 minute ago, Granny_Weatherwax said:

I'm so sorry you are feeling stressed. Could it just be a rough adjustment period? The illnesses aren't helping and that is enough to push anyone over the edge. Perhaps, once everything settles a bit and you are able to figure out a new rhythm, you will feel better. Life changes are difficult, messy, stressful, and strange.

Are there areas you can give up some of your control? Just let things slide for a bit until you are feeling better?

Do you write things down? Do you use a planner? A whiteboard? What are your coping mechanisms to help you through each day, week, season?

I used to keep a bullet journal religiously, but I've had trouble keeping it up since I went back to work. I have a big calendar on the side of the fridge to write family appts and kid activities that I need to update.

It has been a rough adjustment. I knew it would be, but I guess not to what extent. My therapist refers to it as 'playing tetris in a blender', and that's a pretty apt description - so many moving parts, and nothing solid to stand on. I do think that upping my ADHD meds for a while should help (I was doing SO MUCH BETTER before I started working!). Now that the soccer season is over (tomorrow!), I'm hoping to have time to maybe go back to the gym, or at least get some exercise in at home a few times a week. I have let my own health (mental and physical) slide since going back to work. I also need to get to bed earlier each night, but it's hard when I've been so overstimulated/overwhelmed during the day and I need to decompress before I can go to bed. Two more hours of sleep each night would be helpful!

[Hilltopmom]

Oh, I wanted to add that Sept/Oct are always rough for me as a teacher- it gets easier as the year goes (as far as scheduling and actually getting to exercise, healthy eating habits, etc).

I coached pee see soccer last year but did not make that mistake this year! The kids ask about doing other activities sometimes but I say since they hAve school and after care program, that’s enough for now. Will re visit when they hit junior high and can take the late bus for after school activities.

Also- we got a hot tub this fall and it makes me relaxed and tired so that’s my decompression time lots of nights and I can still be in bed before 9.

Edited November 5, 2022 by Hilltopmom

[DawnM]

17 minutes ago, Noreen Claire said:

 

2. I need 2.5 years to be vested in the state pension system. In four years there will be kids to send to college, which is why I figured it was time to go back to work, as I could pay off debt, make repairs/upgrades to the house, and buy a new car before we need to start paying for colleges.

 

This was my rationale as well.   My paycheck pays for college for the kids and the "extras."   We are saving more as well.

We have to have 5 years to vest, however, in order to get health insurance in retirement we need 10 years for partial health insurance and 20 years for full health insurance.   OR get to 65 and have a min of 5 years.   I will have 15 years (in NC) at 65 and that will be it for me.

I have over 10 years in CA and have to work the final 3 years in order to get the best retirement/health care there.   I actually have considered going back for 3 years after finishing in NC.   I probably won't, but I have looked into it.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

If you're at all like me, you're going through a period of mourning. You gave up a life you enjoyed - the outings, the leisure, the time spent as a family - and you need to let yourself mourn that loss. Maybe plan a day or a weekend for dedicated family time. No play dates, no organized activities, just family time. I know how difficult that sounds, esp with 4 children, but by making it a priority you might feel a bit more grounded and less out of control.

If it matters, I don't think you've made a mistake. I'm certain you didn't make the decision to return to work on a whim. The reasons you made the decision to return to work are valid and haven't changed. It's just a difficult time but you are taking steps to care for yourself and you're talking to your DH. Those steps are important and should be applauded.

[Soror]

I was on team quit at December but after your last post it seems you're not entirely sure. Once the soccer drops and your schedule lightens it could start to feel much better. With you working now could your dh not drop one of his PT gigs so he's around more to help? 

[Soror]

8 minutes ago, Granny_Weatherwax said:

If you're at all like me, you're going through a period of mourning. You gave up a life you enjoyed - the outings, the leisure, the time spent as a family - and you need to let yourself mourn that loss. Maybe plan a day or a weekend for dedicated family time. No play dates, no organized activities, just family time. I know how difficult that sounds, esp with 4 children, but by making it a priority you might feel a bit more grounded and less out of control.

I had to mourn just with one going to school. It was extremely difficult. Noreen's post brought back all those horrible feelings even though I'm mostly at peace with it now. It honestly has taken years for that. It's been 4 years now and I still have a twinge of what might have been and sadness. I found it even rougher because it was such an isolating experience. Other hs'ers hadn't gone through it so didn't have a clue and even worse were still getting to do the thing I desperately wanted to do. PS'ers mostly had no clue why I wanted to hs in the first place and if anything thought I was off my rocker and a clingy mom. `

Edited November 5, 2022 by Soror

[Clemsondana]

Change is hard, and it's impossible to know what life would look like if you made different choices.  In our case, I'm sometimes saddened by the stuff that you talk about (rabbit holes and field trips) not happening due to a challenging extracurricular schedule and a kid who is oppositional enough that everyday things take a lot more time than they should.  I guess my point is that you are sad over a particular set of changes now, but there is no guarantee that your life would still look like that in a year anyway as the kids grow and change and have different interests.  It's like there are 2 issues, in a way - one is sadness over the changes in education, although overall you seem OK with the academics at the school.  The bigger issue seems to be the lifestyle change, and the fact that you are mentally frazzled.  

The first few months of any new job are really hard and an inordinate mental load.  Even if the work were part-time, the newness means there is a learning curve on the job and also as you reinvent household routines.  Ultimately you may decide that you don't like what the new routines do to your family.  Or you may find that if you returned to being at home that one or more of your kids wanted to stay in school and you can't recreate the routines that you had because you still have to conform to a school schedule.  And, this might have happened anyway - a kid might have asked to go to school.  With my high schooler, who does most classes at home, we work around the public school sports practice schedule Aug-May, the Science Olympiad schedule Jan-April, the Quiz Bowl schedule Sept-Nov, a couple of outsourced class due dates, and starting senior year the DE schedule.  That may not ever have been your situation, or it could be the sort of thing that would have started in high school with activities like band no matter what your schooling choice was.  

Working may not be the right choice, or it may be that your family will find ways to adapt to the change.  There are routines that we had to develop to manage the extracurriculars, and you might find similar things that help you.  A large master calendar on the wall so that everybody can check for appointments.  I sometimes even write who drives where on my pocket calendar.  Clothes, including shoes and hair ribbons and anything else, laid out the night before.  Pack multiple days of leftovers in single-portion containers, or several lunches all at once so that people can grab and go, or pack lunches the night before.  Keep 'go bags' for each activity, or each kid, by the door or on hooks somehwere.  I never worked full-time once we had kids, but I did have a husband who traveled and have a schedule that has us out of the house at various things most days.  It's not the same.  But, I will say that despite being busier the mental load on me changed dramatically as the kids got to middle school and were pretty good about being able to manage their own stuff better.  The tricks finally seemed to catch on - keep your gear in your bag, keep all uniforms in one place, keep school books together, etc.  

I'm sorry - I hope it gets easier for you all.  

[Ellie]

8 hours ago, ***** said:

. My dh was worried that it would teach her to quit when the going got tough.

That argument has never made sense to me. As adults, we quit things all the time, for any number of reasons, including that something has gotten tough and we don't want to do tough. Why should dc have to soldier on?

[Ottakee]

I get it…sorta of.  I am a single mom who had to go back to work full time after my now ex was arrested.  My kids are older though.  They all have special needs so that is more work.

The getting vested for the pension thing might be a huge factor.  For me, it will pay my health Insurance all but $125/month til Medicare kicks in and then it will cover the supplements 100%.   That is huge for me.  My pension won’t be huge but the medical coverage is a big deal.   That will depend though so much on your particular pension program as even here in Michigan they vary significantly based on your hire in date (which mine was 1989 even though I took 20+ years off).

are there ways to let things go, hire a housekeeper, downsize outside activéis, etc?   
 

not saying you should not quit and go back to being home, just options if you decide to stay 

[Ali in OR]

1 hour ago, Hilltopmom said:

Oh, I wanted to add that Sept/Oct are always rough for me as a teacher- it gets easier as the year goes (as far as scheduling and actually getting to exercise, healthy eating habits, etc).

I was going to say this also. Our school schedule is such that the first 2 months and last 2 months are really hard because there are no breaks. From November through March, just having little breaks with Veteran's Day, Thanksgiving, Winter Break, MLK Jr Day, semester break, President's Day, and Spring Break makes a huge difference. October was a killer with too many demands from above--contact all families of students with D's or F's, parent-teacher conferences, and writing/reviewing/re-writing/submitting goals all happening on top of teaching.

I am NOT on team quit-in-the-middle-of-the-year. You just don't do that in a school setting unless there are extraordinary circumstances. I AM on team "what can we do differently to make this work better and take care of me better." Then you can re-visit in spring what makes the most sense for your family. I homeschooled my younger two through 8th grade. They were good years and they got a really strong academic foundation, but they also sometimes wish they had been in school earlier. It's not like there is only one way good path--there are tradeoffs whichever path we follow.

[wintermom]

11 hours ago, Noreen Claire said:

My DH and my BFF and my family all think it so SO GREAT that the boys and I all go to the same school together! It must be so wonderful! So convenient! So much fun! They have no idea what I made us all give up.

I think you were also in of this mind set when you considered taking the job. In theory, it is a great situation with all the dc at one location with you, having summer holidays together. Many families have to juggle kids at different locations and start times than work, finding care during summer holidays, etc. 

The tought thing is that you jumped in full-time with 4 dc all at once. Most working parents transition slowly 1 child at a time. Any transition where it's completely new for yourself and 4 dc at once is going to be tough. It would be tough for the working mom who is used to sending her dc to school to suddenly homeschool her 4 dc. And don't forget that your dc are also learning the new routine, and before long they will be capable of managing themselves much better, too. Everything will get easier once you're all used to the new routine.

I think you need to give yourself an entire year, including the summer break, before you quit. 

[fairfarmhand]

Please please use some of the “extra” money to pay someone to take the load off f you. Cleaning, paying for grocery delivery, buying convenience items for meals, pay for lawn care, pay your mom to do things that you need her help with. you need this.

streamline everything. Have a weekly rotation of food. Taco night, soup night, etc. 

[Not_a_Number]

I personally wouldn't quit at this point or at any point soon. I'd take the year and see how you feel at the end of it. 

[sassenach]

I predict that it will get better over time. Transitions are HARD but they don't last forever. I think you might have a clearer picture by the end of the school year. IMO, December is too soon to call it, though I would totally understand if you did. I don't even have school age kids at home anymore and I've been surprised by how straining it is to go to work full time. Just even between dh and I, and caring for our special needs guy and FIL. It's so much to juggle. But it's been about 5 months now and I can feel us getting into more of a groove. 

My advice- 1) Absolutely make sure dh understands that your income cannot be folded into the regular budget. You need the option to quit. 2) Definitely hire help- that's a completely necessary expense to make this work. 3) Don't sign the kids up for as many activities/sports this year. If you can, I would take a full season off of extracurriculars. School is the extracurricular right now. If it were me, I would take winter off of anything extra.

(((HUGS))) 

[Kuovonne]

11 hours ago, Noreen Claire said:

I love the *teaching* part. I love the kids and the relationships and the math. It is every other damn thing about it that is awful.

This is what jumped out at me. The job itself is a good fit. Other related changes are not. 
 

it sounds like your husband is doing his best to shoulder the additional load. Good for him.
 

But what about your kids? Are you offloading some of the load for getting ready every morning to them? It sounds like it is hard for you to shift that load to your kids. Instead of you making sure that everyone has everything in the morning, can you give the kids checklists and put them in charge of their own stuff? And accept that some things will fall through the cracks?

As for the sickness, it sucks. It seems like this year has been worse than normal for everyone.

If you choose to quit mid-year or at the end of the year, how do those different options affect your future employment in a few years when your kids are grown and flown, or at least more independent? Would you be burning any bridges that you would regret?

If you hated the job itself, I think your choice would be clear. If your kids hated school, your choice would be clear. But you don’t hate the job itself. You’re tired of dealing with the physical and mental exhaustion. You are going to have to give up something. What is the combination of things that will work for you and your family? I have no idea.

Hugs and best of luck in your decision. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am getting confused between what was written originally and what was then written later.  I hope that you find something that works out best for both you and the children. 

[TexasProud]

Couple of thoughts:

The first year as a teacher is always hard, forget having kids. It is normally easier the second year. It sounds like you are really enjoying teaching, so that is a plus.  

Sickness. The first year out of the house always has everyone sick all the time. That was true way before Covid. Not saying that we shouldn't have, but just a fact that the 2 years of staying away from people made kids more susceptible to the a ton of different stuff.  ( Again, please do not derail the thread.) First year teachers are always the ones getting sick all the time.  After a year, you have been exposed to a lot and get sick a lot less.  So after this year, illness should not be as much of a factor. 

Please don't quit at Christmas for the sake of your students. 

I also agree this is a transition. Let me just give you the tips I used to make it easier:
Every child got everything packed and ready to go the night before: the outfit they would wear, permission slips, backpacks loaded, etc. Obviously you help a 1st grader more than an 8th grader, but you train THEM to do it.  NOT YOU. And yes, pick out the outfit the night before. 

Be very picky about extra-curricular.  To be honest, I homeschooled so my kids could do sports and stuff.  Now that you are doing school, if you want the extra time to do library trips and have more time, you will have to curtail extra-curricular. It is a trade off. Or not.  The lifestyle you have now has benefits your old one did not.  It also has drawbacks.  That was true when you stayed home. The truth is, no life is perfect.

Sounds like you need to be invested in the pension and will need to work to help kids go to college.  So I am team stay.  I really do think next year will be easier and you will figure out some ways to make it easier and what is non-negotiable for you.
 

[Lawyer&Mom]

Vest that pension.  Do whatever it takes, even if that means dropping extracurriculars for the kids to keep you sane.  When your kids are grownups they will appreciate you having a pension more than any sports or activity they had to give up.

It will get easier.  It will. 

[fairfarmhand]

If you dh can’t get up with the kids, can he be in charge of helping the kids prep for the next day before bed? Clothing picked, shoes by the door, backpacks prepped? That alone would help morning go more smoothly.

[Not_a_Number]

Do you need advice, @Noreen Claire, or a place to vent?

It’s such a huge transition. And so hard. You have all my sympathy.

[kbutton]

7 hours ago, Noreen Claire said:

I get up at 5, get the kids up at 6, and we need to be in the car a few minutes before 7am so my 8th grader can make it to his math class at the high school by 7:15. (It should be a 5-min drive, but the school traffic is awful!)

Just a thought...if you choose to stick it out, maybe consider having this child ride the bus? I know it's early and wasted time, but he could potentially fill the time with homework or reading, and an extra stop could give you significant margin.

5 hours ago, Clemsondana said:

I guess my point is that you are sad over a particular set of changes now, but there is no guarantee that your life would still look like that in a year anyway as the kids grow and change and have different interests.  It's like there are 2 issues, in a way - one is sadness over the changes in education, although overall you seem OK with the academics at the school.  The bigger issue seems to be the lifestyle change, and the fact that you are mentally frazzled.  

I agree.

And extracurriculars...I would weigh those a great deal. We had very limited options for sports due to DH's schedule and my kids' age spans, and I am glad we did very little sport stuff, and when we did, it was practice followed by a game sorts of leagues that were very casual. I have non-NT kids, a DH with ADHD (and a weird schedule), and zero relatives around to help. Our extracurriculars were various kinds of therapy appointments (OT, PT, SLP, etc.) and music--music was far more flexible than sports. 

ETA: I am sorry that it's so overwhelming, and I offer these suggestions as a way of getting margin to make a decision before you are stuck with really big consequences, if that makes sense. 

Edited November 5, 2022 by kbutton

[Ting Tang]

3 hours ago, TexasProud said:

Couple of thoughts:

The first year as a teacher is always hard, forget having kids. It is normally easier the second year. It sounds like you are really enjoying teaching, so that is a plus.  

Sickness. The first year out of the house always has everyone sick all the time. That was true way before Covid. Not saying that we shouldn't have, but just a fact that the 2 years of staying away from people made kids more susceptible to the a ton of different stuff.  ( Again, please do not derail the thread.) First year teachers are always the ones getting sick all the time.  After a year, you have been exposed to a lot and get sick a lot less.  So after this year, illness should not be as much of a factor. 

Please don't quit at Christmas for the sake of your students. 

I also agree this is a transition. Let me just give you the tips I used to make it easier:
Every child got everything packed and ready to go the night before: the outfit they would wear, permission slips, backpacks loaded, etc. Obviously you help a 1st grader more than an 8th grader, but you train THEM to do it.  NOT YOU. And yes, pick out the outfit the night before. 

Be very picky about extra-curricular.  To be honest, I homeschooled so my kids could do sports and stuff.  Now that you are doing school, if you want the extra time to do library trips and have more time, you will have to curtail extra-curricular. It is a trade off. Or not.  The lifestyle you have now has benefits your old one did not.  It also has drawbacks.  That was true when you stayed home. The truth is, no life is perfect.

Sounds like you need to be invested in the pension and will need to work to help kids go to college.  So I am team stay.  I really do think next year will be easier and you will figure out some ways to make it easier and what is non-negotiable for you.
 

If I worked a full-time job, I have no idea how we'd do extracurriculars. We don't even do as many as most people.  And even if I was at home and they went to school, it'd be so hard.  My kids can practice things on breaks or during time they might be on a bus after school hours---and they are not as exhausted from a long day.  I agree there are pros and cons to every situation, of course!  Part of me would like them gone away at a school some of the time, LOL.  For peace and sanity.  But now with Covid, I think I'd always be worried.

[Ausmumof3]

I think I’d be totally nuts trying to teach a class full time and manage life with four kids. It’s not like teaching is a job that’s done the minute you get home either, plenty of teachers without kids are feeling stressed and burnt out by the workload. I’m working about 12/13 hours a week and still homeschooling. I spent most of the first year feeling stressed (I don’t have great executive function and do have a couple of other things on my plate). Weirdly at the start of the second year something switched and everything’s become easier. Dh has upped his input. Work feels like it’s taking less prep and planning time. 
 

That said, I’m still a believer in homeschooling so I don’t know if I’d do full time. Maybe you can reassess closer to the summer break? I wouldn’t quit mid year if I could help it.