Things you thought you understood but actually didn't?

[Not_a_Number]

Anyone have any of those? 

I've had a very educational year, emotion-wise, and I'm realizing there are things I simply didn't understand before. 

Here are my biggest 2, which are related: 

1) I didn't get the concepts of boundaries at all. Boundaries are really only about YOU and not about other people. You can't have boundaries about things other people do. I didn't get that at all. 

2) I really didn't understand that trying to MAKE other people do stuff (and getting angry if they don't) simply doesn't work, no matter how reasonable or rational your request. All you can do is be clear about your own needs and limits. But people (including kids!) need to have free will to do a good job. 

What are some things you thought you got but really didn't? 

[bookbard]

When I was religious, I thought that people who weren't either just didn't understand or were bad. I didn't really get that you could know about Christianity/religion and just not agree. 

I think the older I get the more I understand that two people can look at the same thing and have a completely different opinion, and not be 'wrong'. 

 

[FreyaO]

That may be kind of obvious, but I thought I understood what it means to raise a child/being a parent before having one. But then, I'm still not sure I understand it completely now.

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, FreyaO said:

That may be kind of obvious, but I thought I understood what it means to raise a child/being a parent before having one. But then, I'm still not sure I understand it completely now.

I suppose there are as many answers to that one as there are children... 

[Clarita]

Up until close to my thirties I believed that anyone could be just as smart as me and those who aren't were just lazy. I now realize that's totally a false statement.

[Not_a_Number]

5 minutes ago, Clarita said:

Up until close to my thirties I believed that anyone could be just as smart as me and those who aren't were just lazy. I now realize that's totally a false statement.

That does seem pretty far from the truth!! 🤣

[Melissa in Australia]

3 hours ago, bookbard said:

When I was religious, I thought that people who weren't either just didn't understand or were bad. I didn't really get that you could know about Christianity/religion and just not agree. 

I think the older I get the more I understand that two people can look at the same thing and have a completely different opinion, and not be 'wrong'. 

 

I had this as well, but I was involved in a religion that actively taught that anyone who wasn't part of that religion were not just bad but actively evil. 

[Ausmumof3]

4 hours ago, Clarita said:

Up until close to my thirties I believed that anyone could be just as smart as me and those who aren't were just lazy. I now realize that's totally a false statement.

Weirdly I think I have the opposite. I assumed I was just lucky, whereas I have realised that some people are quite capable once they put their mind to it but choose not to put the effort in to hard thinking (I realise this is not true for many people for many reasons but there’s a higher percentage than I realised). I also internalised that I was lazy, when actually I think I just needed more scaffolding around EF stuff and was pushing myself beyond my limits too much. I’ve realised (especially since being here on this forum) that I’m not so much smart as attracted to and interested in learning.

I also find the fact you mentioned 30s interesting. Early 30s was definitely a time of doing a lot of realising and changing for me. 

Edited September 30, 2022 by Ausmumof3

[Ausmumof3]

I think my more recent one is that I can’t browbeat myself into being motivated and doing all the things that I think it should, or that everyone else thinks I should. If I push myself beyond my limits I’m going to crash and do nothing for a bit. Aspirational planning, self guilt trips, baby steps… literally none of it works long term. 

[Carrie12345]

This is a lame one in comparison, but…. I thought the whole “garages easily get too overwhelmed with stuff to fit cars” was BS.

Now I have maybe a month to get my first garage in order so we can park in there when it snows. Fingers crossed and all that!

[Guest]

Sounds bonkers now, but I truly once thought that *everybody* did things for what they thought were good/noble/correct reasons. I thought people were not deliberately sneaky or underhanded or malicious or cruel. 
 

My life became exponentially better when I realized some people were just jerks and I did not owe them my graciousness; I could call them out, ignore them totally, or tell them to go pound sand. I learned I do not have to continuously turn the other cheek. 

[Wheres Toto]

I was in my 30's when I realized adults could be bullies and growing up didn't automatically make you a nicer person.   

I definitely think the average person is either really dumb, lazy or willfully ignorant.    Those who want to learn new things or even have any idea about what is going on in the world are the minority.   All those statistics about the number of people who never read a book after high school, I thought had to be wrong.    Now I believe it. 

[Indigo Blue]

I once naively believed that the personality/good character/ethics of a person was all due to having been raised properly and for the parent to have done “everything right”. I now see/believe that it’s a mix a nature/nurture and we are born with our own personality. (Of course, I still believe good parenting is a huge influence).

[Indigo Blue]

I now believe genuine and good people do exist, in contrast to my younger years when I wondered if everyone was sneaky, underhanded, and manipulative. They are just harder to find. 

[fairfarmhand]

I used to believe that if you did everything “right” it automatically guaranteed that your kids would grow up and do well.

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I used to believe that if you did everything “right” it automatically guaranteed that your kids would grow up and do well.

Same.  Well intellectually I knew/know all humans have free will…..but emotionally I felt I could control the outcome if I tried hard enough.  

[Laura Corin]

I thought I could take anything life could throw at me. I now know I am tough but not invincible. 

[Guest]

29 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I used to believe that if you did everything “right” it automatically guaranteed that your kids would grow up and do well.

Yes I surely believed that steaming heap of nonsense as well…

[Murphy101]

I used to believe that you couldn’t love someone you didn’t trust or who didn’t love you back. That’s just not true at all. 

Parenting has taught me free will starting at birth is a b-word of life.  Parenting well as best we can isn’t about some guarantee that the kids will do well.  It’s just a hedge against guilt when they use free will in ways that you know isn’t going to end happily for them despite or in spite of your guidance.

I used to think you have to work hard to get ahead.  Now I know that’s not entirely true.  You can work to the bone and base your entire life on delayed gratification and end up worse off for it and never reaching that basic whatever goal and even if you reach it - that’s probably not what anyone you love or even you will cherish or write on your tombstone.

Money does buy happiness. Or at least removes most of the impediments to happiness. It buys freedom, time, health and knowledge.

[Lecka]

When my kids were young I really embraced parenting being about the kind of parent I want to be and how that is meaningful to me.   Getting results didn’t work out for me from their earliest years.

[Jaybee]

Things I sort of knew but not really:

Poverty can be only a crisis or two away for most of us. My ability to stay out of it may be much more due to the advantages I have had than my innate wonderfulness, wisdom, and hard work.

Racism is much more rampant than I realized, and I am trying to learn from BIPOC. But boy, do I have a lot to learn.

I keep trying to figure out how to say this one, but keep deleting because it feels too personal. Maybe something like that you can't make someone love you. It's more than that, but I'll leave it there.

[Soror]

Big yes on raising children. And the odds are the more children you have the more likely you are to have 1 (or more) that has trouble. 

Also, on money. I thought you could work harder save more money, live on less and how much you made was not all that important. But you can only save so much money and ya having money is a big help. I've read so many of the FIRE groups. At first I felt like we were failing that we hadn't gotten further ahead for our age. Then I realized so many of them make multiples of our income-- lots of them many multiples with less children. And when you have more money you can buy things to save money. And plenty of people work hard, how hard you work isn't directly tied to how much you make. Dh works circles around lots of guys at work but make less solely because he doesn't have a degree. And when he gets that degree he will make more too--- with the same job working less hours. I was more of a follow your dreams in school now I'm find a job you can like that makes good money so you don't have to work forever and can have time for your passion on the side.

And on athletic ability--- no it isn't solely about how much one practices or how hard they work. Some people have certain physical advantages-- -that is why one often sees similar body types at the top levels of different sports. I've never been good at sports and I've wondered if that is because I didn't try? No, I have no natural athletic ability. I started playing pickleball. I see so many other come in brand new to the sport that play circles around me. Now I am getting better with practice but the playing field isn't even. WE don't all have the same innate athletic ability just like we are not born with the same intelligence etc.

[lauraw4321]

That the good news is that the Messiah has come and it’s not me. 

[Storygirl]

I thought my love of reading and focus on reading to my children would turn them into people who like to read.

[TechWife]

2 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I used to believe that if you did everything “right” it automatically guaranteed that your kids would grow up and do well.

I’m addition and as an extension  to this, I believed that if my kid did something wrong it was my fault. 

[TechWife]

I thought people could and should control their children.

[Pam in CT]

This is a great thread.

 

I didn't understand a number of the same hard-learned insights already mentioned.  In addition...

(I suppose of these are subsets of "boundaries" but, I process slow, I had to learn each of them one at a time)... Just because someone is throwing out bait, doesn't oblige me to take that bait up. Just because someone asks an intrusive or accusative question, doesn't oblige me to answer it. Just because someone asks *any* question, in fact, does not mean I am obliged to respond.

The construct of "benefit of the doubt" is helpful and ethical in evaluating the *first* encounter with a new person or the *first* time a particular episode occurs.  When similar conduct occurs repeatedly, it is not only ethical, but often necessary, to use the construct of "patterns" to evaluate.  A corollary to this lesson is that the construct of "it's imperative to always give the benefit of the doubt" along with an insistence that "every episode is singular and unique and must be evaluated solely on its individual terms without reference to anything before or after" can be, and is, weaponized.

Conflict avoidance and conflict resolution are totally different, mutually incompatible things. When I was young I sought to avoid conflict. I have learned with great pain, that problems cannot be solved by not-acknowledging them. This insight applies equally to very personal problems close to the bone, and also the San Andreas Fault that racism has cleaved in our society from its inception to today.

 

And,

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I now believe genuine and good people do exist, in contrast to my younger years when I wondered if everyone was sneaky, underhanded, and manipulative. They are just harder to find. 

This. So much this.  And if I'm not finding them in my midst, then perhaps I'm not hanging with the right crowd, and should turn my gaze and my efforts in a different direction.

[Ellie]

13 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

That the good news is that the Messiah has come and it’s not me. 

And it's not me, either.  Thank goodness!

[catz]

A lot of these are good.  The 2 in the OP, I learned pretty early into marriage/parenthood but I wish I would have learned them earlier in adulthood for sure!

One thing that really changed my mindset is realizing when other people behave badly, it is not about me.  Everyone is fighting a battle you may know nothing about.  That crabby lady in line may have had her dog die yesterday.  I think most people are trying to do the best they can with the tools, resources and time they have.  But some people don't have a good tool box for a variety of reasons. 

Early on in homeschooling, living here in Lake Wobegone and saying you homeschool often led parents into a dissertation about their school choice and how great it is and how they couldn't homeschool, etc.  I don't think everyone should/could homeschool, my oldest went to B&M PS for 2 years he would have stayed there if it worked well for him so that was never remotely an implication from me.  I always framed it as "this is what is working well for our family right now.  How about that weather."  If someone explicitly asked for more, I'd be happy to talk about it but most people don't want to know.  Anyway, I think all of us as parents are anxious about making good choices and that is what lead to many of these speeches.  When we were looking at schools (and we did many times over the years), I could hardly ever get someone whose child was currently IN the school to give a balanced review of the good AND the bad.  Actually, as a parent, it's made me be more mindful about how some of our parenting choices weren't always as wonderful as I like to imagine.  A lot of parenting is making the least bad choices available at a given time and hoping it works out.  

ETA - Just because I understand why someone might act badly, doesn't at all mean I put up with bad behavior.  I actually am more likely to cut my losses sooner.  It does help me let go of anger about it though and not hold grudges.  

 

Edited September 30, 2022 by catz

[catz]

This reminds me, each of my parents had a saying they used over and over that I probably eye rolled over as a teen, but that I still think about to this day

Dad's - if it isn't going to matter in 5 years, it probably isn't worth losing sleep over.  

Mom's - You can't change anyone but yourself.  

[Spryte]

So, so many of these resonate.

When someone shows you who they are … believe them. This one took me a lot of repetitions to learn.

My most pressing, at the moment: In my 20s, I thought that if people ate well (healthy, clean choices), exercised regularly, got outside and into nature often, and did All The Things re: a healthy lifestyle, they would *be* healthy. I thought chronic illnesses and poor health were a result of lifestyle choices. I didn’t take into account genetics or environmental grenades lying in wait to sabotage immune systems and derail healthy people, without their consent.

 

 

[ScoutTN]

Great thread. 

[Bootsie]

This quote from Charlie Munger (Warren Buffet's right-hand man) stands out in my mind.  If Charlie Munger keeps realizing there is something he didn't understand as well as he thought he did, its worth noting.

“I think I have been in the top five percent of my age cohort almost all my adult life in understanding the power of incentives, and yes I’ve always underestimated that power.  Never a year passes but I get some surprise that pushes a little further my appreciation of incentive superpower.”

The Psychology of Human Misjudgment

Charles T. Munger

 

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

This quote from Charlie Munger (Warren Buffet's right-hand man) stands out in my mind.  If Charlie Munger keeps realizing there is something he didn't understand as well as he thought he did, its worth noting.

I wish he came to realize that he didn't understand the idiocy of windowless dorm buildings. 

[Bootsie]

11 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I wish he came to realize that he didn't understand the idiocy of windowless dorm buildings. 

That is horrible--goes to show that no matter how old, how smart, how successful we are, there is still learning to be done.  

[itsheresomewhere]

I never realized people would actually choose their friends based on political beliefs and drop them if they didn’t agree with them on everything.  Not on how people behave, have they treat others and be willing to throw away years of friendship.  I find it sad and yet hilarious that it happened.  But it shows if I truly needed them, they wouldn’t be there. 
 

[Momto6inIN]

I've learned that just because I have pretty good intuition and can "read" people well, that doesn't mean that I do, in fact, know what's going on inside their head. Reminding myself that unless they actually tell me what they think, assuming that I already know is a recipe for disaster in my relationships.

The concept of telling myself only things that I actually know for a fact to be true in the "self talk" tape recorder that is constantly playing in my head has been crucial for me.

[pitterpatter]

I thought love and marriage were forever. Period.

[catz]

47 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

I never realized people would actually choose their friends based on political beliefs and drop them if they didn’t agree with them on everything.  Not on how people behave, have they treat others and be willing to throw away years of friendship.  I find it sad and yet hilarious that it happened.  But it shows if I truly needed them, they wouldn’t be there. 
 

Does this really happen though?  I think what one person might call a political opinion another might believe to be a deeply held moral truth.  I don't hear about friendships dissolving based on differences of opinions on tax brackets, school zoning, how to handle the economy, how their city council meetings run, etc.  ETA I don't mean to minimize your experience!  I believe you!  

The other thing I've realized over time sometimes what might appear as a friendship are really transient acquaintances   Which is ok.  Sometimes a friend that works both ways for a season of life is what you both need and as your life goes on and circumstances change, maybe it drifts apart.  Maybe a falling out happens, but maybe that was an excuse.  I used to really grieve these situations but I've become pretty comfortable with this fact.  And maybe part of this is I really don't have regular contact with anyone I went to high school or college with.  

Edited September 30, 2022 by catz

[kbutton]

I wish I had understood more about ADHD and its affects on marriage and family life before embarking on that road. Not that there was a diagnosis in place when I married, but it might've helped get things on a better track to be familiar. There is a point where being a nice person isn't enough to make up for skills and mindsets that are not there, and that tipping point is likely individual to each person with ADHD and each person contemplating a permanent relationship with someone who has it. 

29 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

I never realized people would actually choose their friends based on political beliefs and drop them if they didn’t agree with them on everything.  Not on how people behave, have they treat others and be willing to throw away years of friendship.  I find it sad and yet hilarious that it happened.  But it shows if I truly needed them, they wouldn’t be there. 

There might be more going on that you are not aware of if you are the type to not want to know, IYKWIM. I have former friends in the down the rabbit hole category (who have treated me poorly) and mutual friends that just don't want to know what the rabbit hole people have been up to.

A few of my relationships are just on "cool"--they have looked at issues and acknowledge them and chosen differently (vs. lying). Fine--that's valid. But the mutual friend group that lost it's mind and went down the rabbit hole is still there. The friend on "cool" are blissfully moving forward with these people, and they don't want to know how bad it is (even and especially when it affects the influences on their own kids!!!). When I couldn't take the lies and betrayal from the mutual friends, they told me to go in peace with their blessing. That sounds reasonable, right? Except that they are still enmeshed in the larger group (meaning unavailable to me because people can only belong to so many groups; it also encompasses my entire religious community, not just the immediate friend group), while their response could have been, "I will help make room for you and for facts, and we'll see how that plays out." They deliberately chose people adhering to lies over me. 

Fun times we live in.

[itsheresomewhere]

19 minutes ago, kbutton said:

There might be more going on that you are not aware of if you are the type to not want to know, IYKWIM. I have former friends in the down the rabbit hole category (who have treated me poorly) and mutual friends that just don't want to know what the rabbit hole people have been up to.

A few of my relationships are just on "cool"--they have looked at issues and acknowledge them and chosen differently (vs. lying). Fine--that's valid. But the mutual friend group that lost it's mind and went down the rabbit hole is still there. The friend on "cool" are blissfully moving forward with these people, and they don't want to know how bad it is (even and especially when it affects the influences on their own kids!!!). When I couldn't take the lies and betrayal from the mutual friends, they told me to go in peace with their blessing. That sounds reasonable, right? Except that they are still enmeshed in the larger group (meaning unavailable to me because people can only belong to so many groups; it also encompasses my entire religious community, not just the immediate friend group), while their response could have been, "I will help make room for you and for facts, and we'll see how that plays out." They deliberately chose people adhering to lies over me. 

Fun times we live in.

We had a lady who moved into this friend group with “ideas” who started taking over the group. Slowing poisoning them with “facts and lies” is exactly that. The fact that I didn’t adhere to them aka kiss her tush nor was I willing to give up my beliefs. Funny I am the youngest out of the group of friends.  It just boggled my mind they were willing to throw over ten years of friendship out over this. 

[kbutton]

21 minutes ago, itsheresomewhere said:

We had a lady who moved into this friend group with “ideas” who started taking over the group. Slowing poisoning them with “facts and lies” is exactly that. The fact that I didn’t adhere to them aka kiss her tush nor was I willing to give up my beliefs. Funny I am the youngest out of the group of friends.  It just boggled my mind they were willing to throw over ten years of friendship out over this. 

I am sorry. My larger friendship pool had a lot of under the radar conspiracy theorists in it, but I didn't know at the time. 

[Faith-manor]

5 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

I used to believe that you couldn’t love someone you didn’t trust or who didn’t love you back. That’s just not true at all. 

Parenting has taught me free will starting at birth is a b-word of life.  Parenting well as best we can isn’t about some guarantee that the kids will do well.  It’s just a hedge against guilt when they use free will in ways that you know isn’t going to end happily for them despite or in spite of your guidance.

I used to think you have to work hard to get ahead.  Now I know that’s not entirely true.  You can work to the bone and base your entire life on delayed gratification and end up worse off for it and never reaching that basic whatever goal and even if you reach it - that’s probably not what anyone you love or even you will cherish or write on your tombstone.

Money does buy happiness. Or at least removes most of the impediments to happiness. It buys freedom, time, health and knowledge.

This, all of this! Right there with you, Murphy!

[Faith-manor]

One of the things I have learned is that deconversion from Christianity means isolation for a while as you work through the inevitable fall out and cultivate new friends. I am thankful the hive was here to chat with during the lonely times.

Edited September 30, 2022 by Faith-manor

[Clemsondana]

I didn't understand how un-school-ready a lot of kids are, and how increased expectations at young ages leave them further behind.  When I started volunteering at an afterschool program for underserved kids, I found that they didn't know, or couldn't do, simple things like taking turns in a game.  A lot of the 'fun' ways of reinforcing learning would become chaotic.  Kids who aren't able to sit still, who can't focus, or who struggle academically because they aren't ready become convinced that they aren't smart.  It's heartbreaking to see kids give up.  Similarly, I hadn't realized that there were kids who just opted out of school in early elementary.  They have to physically go, but they are adamant that school isn't for them.  They can't possible realize that they are opting out of all sorts of jobs, since the likelihood of catching up while at a public school is minimal.  I could sort of know about it, but until I saw it I couldn't really realize what was happening.  

Until I saw it with a relative, I didn't realize the extent to which 2 people could see the same thing and interpret it so differently.  The motivations and emotions that can ascribed are so far off that I struggled to understand that the observer was really seeing it that way and not just being dramatic or hyperbolic.  I still don't always know how to a approach a conversation when they have perceptions that are their real, honestly held understandings of the situation but aren't how anybody else sees it.  

[Shoeless]

I used to believe that once you became an adult, you'd know exactly what to do in any difficult situation. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Frances]

1 hour ago, Clemsondana said:

I didn't understand how un-school-ready a lot of kids are, and how increased expectations at young ages leave them further behind.  When I started volunteering at an afterschool program for underserved kids, I found that they didn't know, or couldn't do, simple things like taking turns in a game.  A lot of the 'fun' ways of reinforcing learning would become chaotic.  Kids who aren't able to sit still, who can't focus, or who struggle academically because they aren't ready become convinced that they aren't smart.  It's heartbreaking to see kids give up.  Similarly, I hadn't realized that there were kids who just opted out of school in early elementary.  They have to physically go, but they are adamant that school isn't for them.  They can't possible realize that they are opting out of all sorts of jobs, since the likelihood of catching up while at a public school is minimal.  I could sort of know about it, but until I saw it I couldn't really realize what was happening.  

I agree. Related to this, I used to think that property taxes were one of the primary reason for inequitable educational outcomes in public education. But after living for over twenty years in a state where the majority of k12 funding comes from the General Fund based on allocation formulas that actually favor schools with low income students, ESL learners, etc, I know now that equally funding public schools makes virtually no difference in outcomes. 

[ScoutTN]

9 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I used to believe that if you did everything “right” it automatically guaranteed that your kids would grow up and do well.

I did too, though I didn’t realize it for a good while. Now, I not only know that this is untrue, but also am deeply aware that I have not done and cannot do even a significant percentage of the “things” right. 

[kbutton]

46 minutes ago, Frances said:

I agree. Related to this, I used to think that property taxes were one of the primary reason for inequitable educational outcomes in public education. But after living for over twenty years in a state where the majority of k12 funding comes from the General Fund based on allocation formulas that actually favor schools with low income students, ESL learners, etc, I know now that equally funding public schools makes virtually no difference in outcomes. 

That is new information to me. Thanks! 

[ScoutTN]

I thought I understood ADHD until I lived with a person who has it and witnessed the enormous challenges it poses.